give me back that fillet o fish

So pretty much every time I recap, massive tech issues force me to listen to the games on radio. I'm not complaining, the banter that fills the dead space during games is really the highlight of my night. But this fruitless search for a sweet feed has caused me to start eating massive amounts of counterfeit Tostitos lime. They say they are lime, but they are not lime. These issues are indicative of the seriously unsatisfactory evening to follow.



The game starts out with a sensual explanation of the uniforms. There is like a full account of socks, pants, and jerseys. Trim is included with brilliant observations like "teal" and "white". Thank god the game starts.

Siddo immediately goes away for something kind of bs-ish. Nothing bad happens. Sweet. Then Kunitz turns over the puck and it gets bad. MAF is turning in circles like his dog is lost at the park, the puck is behind the net, and he finds it just in time to let it slip in just between his skate and the post.

1-0

Letang goes to the dressing room. I instinctively know that it's because he forgot his dry wax, which is a big deal because he really wants to try to keep this new haircut up this time and stay sharp. Media are total downers about it because they're bald and don’t remember how important wax was when they were in their prime. Hype, hype, but we all know Kris will be fine.



Cooke goes for roughing, Orpik is described as "having words". That's all I need to know envision what that face looks like.



Boyle to Pavelski on the Cooke penalty. Matty, please use your Brooks words sometimes and end up in the box less. I have nothing more to say about this.

2-0

Rupp and Staubitz throw down. Rupp is throwing bombs, but wails on Staubitz's helmet. Consensus is that he wins…. Of course he wins, that fuckin' lid had it coming.



Heatley to Thornton riiight off the faceoff but there is a rare moment of no success. Almost threw up my faux-lime. Apparently the Sharks "smell blood". I would like to take this moment to explain this phenomena to PH readers everywhere:

How glad are you that you are not this man.

Sharks receive scent by two methods: molecular diffusion and water currents. Water currents are the faster method for olfactory information. Depending on how fast the water is moving, the scent of blood could reach a shark anywhere from one minute to a dozen. In this case, it took about 13 minutes and 27 seconds. Sharks swim into the current where they detect the odor of blood. The hunting shark will swim in spirals, thereby eliminating the currents that don't carry the scent of blood and following those that do. In summary, Sweet Baby Fleruy is bleeding like a stuck pig and we have been outshot 13-3.



I drown myself in guacamole during intermission. Letang is doubtful to return and was holding his right arm.

Cooke goes away for diving. Forgot that he still had his snorkel on, refs were not fooled.

Boyle scores from the circle during a 4 on 4.

3-0.

Johnson comes in to replace MAF. He is 7-2-1 against the Sharks, but you wouldn't know it because Heatley scores for the Sharks in like .2 seconds. Crosby lost it, Thorton took it. FML. (that's lime, not life because it's still the second)

4-0

Refs start ending plays while the puck is still good out of pity for Johnson. The official In-Game Blog starts writing shit like this:

"8:11: On a positive note, how about the stat showed by FSN? Mario Lemieux averaged 3.5 points per game against the Sharks with 17 goals and 32 assists in only 14 games."

There are more penalties and they are irrelevant, much like the rest of this period.

In intermission they're back to discussing uniforms. Of all the questions, Letang, Kennedy, Geno, some guy wants to know if the home team will go back to wearing white. Serious discussion of this important issue follows and the consensus is that they might. Glad that's settled and we can go back to drinking heavily.

McKee and Jody Shelley. McKee gets 19 penalty minutes. We're down to 4 defensemen for the next 12 minutes. It's 5-0 now and who the hell cares why. Later on it's The Hands and Shelley. Godard just wont go down. It is at this point that I start googling " shark" "dead shark" and "fuck sharks". The fruits of my labor:

No, Mr. Shark. I will not.

Not judging... It's a sport.


Much like all of Pens Nation.

So lets review some facts:
Gogo is a real man. He was tired and everybody said he wouldn't play, but he was like, talk to the hand, and put up more minutes than anyone else on the team: 26:47, bitches.

Geno skated today in a red no-contact jersey only because he likes the color because it reminds him of the motherland. "It felt great and I hope to come back soon." It could have been black, but he was just feeling festive.

We do not have to play this team again this year.



ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS:

3. Dupuis. Won the pre-game soccer match. Only winning done in this town.
2. McKee. Instigating. Love it.
1. Goligoski. 1/3 of the d-men down and he stepped up. 5 shots.

Bruins Tuesday.
Go Pens.

we gotta invest in that dream.

We won't always be able to rely on this to make us feel better.
Okay, well, we hope we will. But realistically we probably won't be on the very top for the entire season. And while it would be cool if we did, just to say that we did, we're the Penguins. Sometimes we like a struggle. It makes things more interesting sometimes.
Still, after the ass raping the Kings administered last night?
We like some visual comfort.

It wasn't all bad.
But...yeah. It wasn't so good, either.
While we love a Western road trip, we also kind of hate the idea of writing recaps into the early hours of the morning on weeknights.
We're photo recapping it.
If you act nice and don't complain, we'll give you a chance to win free shit.

Let's focus on the good.
We don't want to get bad vibes up in here when we're at the top of the league.
Shake it off, boys. Remember the good times, before it all went to shit in the third.

One of the weirdest, best, most touching press photos we've seen thus far this season. It gives us the warm feeling that a PHer was behind that camera, screaming OH MY GOD YES BOYS, COME TO ME, HOW CAN I BEST ACCENT YOU WITH A GAUSSIAN BLUR BACKGROUND? No easily accessible photo of the Kings' first goal exists, only the bro-love following the tie up, thus furthering our suspicions that one of you has obtained a press pass.

Craigsy makes sure Drewiske knows that the number 44 makes him look fat, and that he should never show up in the same outfit as Brooks ever again. PHOTO QUALITY, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL OF OUR LIVES? Seriously. Fess up. Who was it?

"'Scuse me Dustin, not today. Or at least not until the third period."

"SCARY FACE CONTEST BRAD RICHARDSON, READY, 1, 2, 3, GO!"

Really we can't even tell you what was happening here, just that it looks very painful for everyone involved. Also, check the guy in the retro Buries It jersey. You wish you had that facial hair.

Visual evidence that the third period was quite literally retarded. Close your mouth, Cappy, you look like a trout.

We're really starting to like this Skoula kid.

Oh, and one last note as far as press photography goes.
This is from the other night at the Wild game.
Who let Charlie in wearing The Green Man costume?
Really?
What the fuck.

Let's examine the not-so-obvious treats, as well:
Top right = Creepiest Person Alive.


So essentially that's all we've got for you based on this game.
The Pens didn't give us much to work with.
We refuse to take the blame.

Luckily Champs tend to brush their shoulders off and keep on pimp strutting. We look forward to seeing that happen. Let's get with the program, boys.
Say it with us, now:
Never losing again.

Go Pens.

Pens vs. Kings

Sorry, boys and girls, about the no-post yesterday, and the weird posting schedule in general where we backdate everything and act like we did it on time anyway. Yesterday was a total personal day. One of those Jack Daniels and Tostitos Lime days. We're going to try not to take too many of those, because that state is only functional in the heat of the playoffs. And this isn't the playoffs. This is a regular season matchup between the Pens and the fucking LA Kings. Why haven't you guys e-mailed us like BITCHES GET YO SHIT TOGETHER?

Anyhoo.

Scuds. It'll be fun to watch Sid skate around him. Or fun for LA fans (?) to watch him lay some unreal hipchecks on the defending champs. Probably a little of both.

Dustin Brown is cool.
Not that we have any understanding of what this picture is supposed to mean to us.
Blahblahblah.

Basically, one of those games that we have no reason not to win.
If any team can keep up the good work, it's the Pens. They're not going to be the same dominant team without Malks and Gonch, but when has that meant anything? The Kings are okay. We'll get it done.

Fun facts:
- if the playoffs started today, the entire Atlantic Division would qualify. Them's'd be some nasty playoffs.
- The Avs are still being ridiculous and no one knows why.
- San Jose is putting on a fierce regular season performance again.
- Toronto and Carolina are doing terribly, meaning that Cammycakes and Vesa are having really hard lives right now. We has a sad. Sort of.

fjklsdfjdls
Tonight. 10:30PM EST. Oh, Western road trips.
Go Pens.

how did we manage this shit?

Just like the Penguins we blogged oh-so-faithfully about last season, and true to the beautiful unwritten laws of hockey, the way a game starts is starting to look increasingly irrelevant to the way that it ends.
However, this season it seems to be even more winning.
Presumably, this is how champions play.
We're still getting used to the idea of being champions. We believe, as a rule, that our team is always the best in the world, but we're not used to it being realized in public.
Stanley Cups change things. We should have known better.

MOST FLAGRANT WASTE OF 20 MINUTES
The first period was vomit. We presume it has something to do with the boys getting over the initial shock of the Ducks warmup unis.
Pens play like shit, somehow manage to outshoot the Ducks, but that's mainly due to the 4 inefficient power plays due to people like Glorious Bobby Ryan going all goaltender-interference on us and shit.
Scott Niedermayer and Corey Perry (you'll remember him as the gentleman Malks beat the shit out of for no apparent reason last season) make something happen.
1-0

Billy G goes insane for a minute. Hiller stands tall.

Really, like. . .nothing particularly BAD is happening, but you still want to kill yourself.
Four power plays in one period is insane, and the boys couldn't get ANYTHING going?
We understand that without Gonch you lose something invaluable on the PP: badassery, unwavering Russian confidence, Gonch-bombs from the blueline that have already pre-decided within an inch which part of the back of the net they want to hit.
And not having Malks at this point is perplexing: you lose one of the most determined individuals in the game, whose natural instincts for the game among players of his age are nigh unmatched. But really. . .Alex, Kris, your shots are pretty damn good. And Sid? Sid? This is what, your fifth NHL season? You know you're sick by now, right?
No reason why this PP should be so awful, regardless of injuries.
One one of the PP's, Ktang is all alone on the ice as everyone else congregates to one corner. He gets the set-up, hammers it on net. Hiller doesn't care and is too busy being Swiss.

THE MOMENT YOUR FAITH WAS RESTORED
The frustration of the first period is soon mitigated by the Pens actually getting a break. TK sets up Mike Rupp for a shot, which somehow makes it past Hiller.
He's so pissed off he has to adjust his pants in a sort of Petey-esque gesture.
Shenanigans ensue.
Our hardest workers are shining.
The game is tied.
1-1
Maybe. . .maybe?

LEAST NECESSARY SEX HAIR (BUT OH HOW WE MISS IT)
On a delayed penalty about halfway through the period, Kris proves to us that cutting his hair hasn't taken away his power. Just a really, really sick shot. If the French were firing that shit at the Swiss on a regular basis their trains wouldn't run on time.
Some in the arena could inexplicably hear the gentle hooves of unicorns galloping as the puck went in.
2-1

MOMENT YOU REALIZED WHY MALKIN WANTS COREY PERRY DEAD
Fuckkk
2-2

Period ends in a frenzy as the Ducks try to have sex with Fleury.
But we're not going to say we had a good feeling.

PERIOD YOU THOUGHT WOULD BE LESS EXCITING
For 8 minutes the third is blah. Just a lot of shit sort-of happening, but not enough for you to care.
Suddenly, someone on the blueline rips it.
Alex Goligoski = saving the team, second year in a row.
3-2 WOOOOO
But don't get out the celebration beer just yet, because we can't hold the lead for 20 seconds.
This is how we feel about Saku Koivu (courtesy of Jay McKee):
Before you can get used to the tie game, Pascal Dupuis is working up high with Orpik for whatever reason, and blasts one:
What happened to that glove hand, Jonas?
4-3
Deal with it.

HUGEST BALLS
Fleury and Sid share the hugest balls award tonight.
First, Fleury robs Koivu with the glove.
Then Crosby uses his thighs that defy the laws of physics to stack the pads in the crease and make a save on Niedermayer.
The Trib wrote an entire article about it, among other things.
Shit doesn't get any more fierce than that.
Time winds down.
It wasn't a hard-fought win or anything, but it could have gone either way.
Somehow we came out on top.
Defending champs will do that.
Suck it.

PENS WIN
4-3
HOLY BALLS WHOA MAN

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

MOST BEAUTIFUL
Washington, PA native George Parros.

THE REAL FIRST STAR THAT WE'RE SORT OF NOT PISSED ABOUT
Corey Perry was everywhere; if the Honda Center hadn't been homers about making him #1 star we probably would have called them pussies.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Alex Goligoski - What a player.
2. Tyler Kennedy - Welcome home, Mr. President.
3. Brooks Orpik - 2A and almost got kicked out of the game for being too manly.

So, you see.
We're fucking awesome.
What a game.

Pens v. Ducks

Tomorrow marks the first and last time the Pens will see the Ducks this season. Thanks to everyone who corrected this. Mark it down that this is the first and last time that we rely on Ducks media releases because we're too lazy to look at the actual schedule. Fail. But fail for the Ducks, too, really.
We like the Ducks, what can we say?
Blahblahblah Disney Movies made childhood worth living blahblahblah Where the fuck were the Bash Brothers in D3 blahblahblah Adam Banks was hot blahblahblah.
The fictional version of their team still gives us cuddly feelings towards them.

In reality, we like Hiller. Last season he was a tank and we rooted for him for as long as we could. Corey Perry is pretty hot right now, and Getzlaf has been money as well. While it isn't the most important of games, no game is ever a throwaway. We need each point, just in case a drought occurs mid-season like it did last year. Cross yourselves and pray to Curry that it never comes to that again, but still, we need to get two points in the games where we SHOULD be getting two points, and this is one of them.
But hey there, Corey Perry. When you get back West on West games, by all means, continue the ass kicking.

Anyway, who doesn't love a Western road trip? We get to see teams we never get to see, and the days feel longer when games start at 10:00. And we have kind of been the shit on the road this season thus far. We're excited to see if it continues.

Now, back to fictional land.
Gunnar Stahl - our favorite Icelandic douchebag - grew up, filled out, and made a Youtube video. It's so adorably lame.



Also, who was better?
Banks or Conway?

We got this.
Step back, Duckies.
Go Pens.