We’ve decided to try our hand at organizing a fantasy game this season, but it’s a little bit different from any fantasy hockey you’ve ever played before. We will be awarding fantasy points based on ... hair. Seriously. We’re posting this way early so that we can work on the necessary technical details. We’ll basically be managing this the old-fashioned way, with a spreadsheet, because there’s literally no other way to do it, and we want the time to make sure everything is put together properly. Here’s how it works:

• If you are interested in playing, you must pick three players from the current active Penguins roster.
• We will assign points throughout the season based on appearances of each player’s hair.
• We will update points throughout the season for each player and post the top ranking entrants.
• There will be a grand prize winner and two runners-up. Prizes TBA but previous winners of Puck Huffers prizes can testify that we’re pretty good at them. PH Staff will be having teams but we won’t be eligible for prizes, obviously.
• One team per person, please. We’re tracking your IP addresses and if you’re seriously willing to cheat to win a hair-based fantasy league, you’re a dick. If we find out that you have cheated and your team has placed, we reserve the right to send your prize to somebody else.

Rules/mechanics:

1. 3 points will be awarded for each video on the Penguins website in which a player’s hair is fully visible (no hat, helmet, etc.) The primary source of these points will likely be posted interviews.
2. 5 points will be awarded for every press photo of that type that we can find (most likely on daylife.com).
3. 5 points will be awarded for an intermission interview during a game without a hat or helmet.
4. 10 points will be awarded for a player being seen in-game or on the bench without a hat or helmet. (3 points only if this is before/during the national anthem[s], between periods, or after the game has ended.)
5. You may lobby for points to be awarded to a player if you find something that we haven’t seen--for example, if you are watching the game on a different network or you find a photo that you think is worthy of points in a magazine or different news site. Take a screenshot/picture for proof and e-mail it to us. If we approve the new source of points, the person who submitted gets 2 extra points awarded to their team, and every person who has the submitted player on their team gets the proposed points.
6. If a player is put on LTIR, you are expected to submit a substitution. If you don’t, none will be made. The player can still earn points while on injured reserve through press photos and interviews and submitted material.
7. If a player is traded during the season, you are expected to submit a substitution, but if you don’t, we will replace him with the with the person who has earned the nearest amount to the traded players’ points without going under.
8. We also understand that at this point, the Pens’ roster for opening day isn’t set in stone, and that the roster fluctuates throughout the year. In the event that one of your players is demoted to WBS before the season begins, you must submit a substitution, or have your team disqualified. If the player is demoted during the season, you are expected to submit a substitution--if you do not, however, none will be made. The player can still continue to earn points, however material/photos from WBS Pens-related media and games will not count. The evidence of hair must appear during an NHL broadcast or on the Pittsburgh Penguins website. If the player is called up on another occasion he will continue to earn points. Go with your gut as to whether to substitute him or not--the substitution cannot be revoked if the player is called up again.
9. 7 bonus points will be awarded on the last day of every month to each player who has sported a significant amount of facial hair (beyond scruff/five o’clock shadow) at any point during that month. This includes mustaches. 7 points only, even if he has a beard the whole friggin’ month--facial hair is not the heart and soul of this game.
10. Points begin being awarded when the puck drops at Consol Energy Center on October 7th. Any pregame ceremonies/anthems/press circuses at that game will not count.

Like any fantasy game, we believe that success in this game will be due to a combination of knowledge and luck. You need to know what sorts of in-game situations are likely to happen to certain players, what their media presence is like. You could also benefit from picking someone entirely out of left field and getting lucky. Be smart, be lucky. Or just have fun.
Sound good to you? Thought so. Enter using this form:

Good luck to everyone. 
May the best hair win. Go Pens.

Not a ton of stuff is going on.
[utterfrivolity] and [Ava] should expect presents within the next couple of weeks.
Here are some other favorites from the contest:

MouthGuard



IHaveKasparaitis




TP


Caty

There will be an open house on Saturday at CEC. Check it out.
Tickets are $5 and go to charity.
We might be able to hit that up, but in the event that we can't, we might be holding an emergency contest for tickets. Keep your eyes peeled.

The big story yesterday that you might consider relevant to us is the release of the Reebok Women's "Champagne" jersey. We actually don't know anything about this, believe it or not. We're generally of the opinion that if you don't think a jersey in the style that the players wear is attractive enough for you, your priorities as a hockey fan are way off. But the NHL keeps forgetting to ask for our seal of approval on things. We might have to issue them an official reprimand at some point.

A lot of big talk has been going on about NHL contracts and the policing of them, etc. Again, we basically believe that if a guy wants to play for a specific team for the right reasons, and the team is amicable to that, the agent, GM, and player will all get together and make it work in a way that isn't shitty. We will judge a player by his contract. A shitty or sneaky contract often belies what we perceive as personal issues on the part of the player or the negotiating GM. Which is why we appreciate the "non-awful person rule" that Ray Shero has made regarding people who he will seriously talk numbers with. Ilya Kovalchuk is a bag of dicks, his contract showed that, and the NHL recognized--not in a consistent or classy fashion, but they did it nevertheless. When we get some consistency, we will be a better league for it. In the meantime, dicks will be dicks. People who want contracts like Kovalchuk's aren't people we want on our team.

Part of our strategy for 2010-11 should definitely be Beating The Devils, though. We can't afford to be wet blankets again, especially with Girl Jeans Ilya streaking down the wing six times a year. Vomit.

Basically "people are assholes" is all we're trying to say and we don't deal with that.

In this final (painful) stretch of summer, try to remember:
New arena.
Seriously upgraded defense.
Chances are you have AC in your car.
(If you don't, we're sorry.)

We love you.
GO PENS.

Well, unless it's these two.

Yesterday was interesting, to say the least. For a press conference that was essentially useless, we sure learned a lot about what the Winter Classic is going to be like. Of course, we expected this, but it's nice to see the pieces finally star to fall together. This isn't just the 2011 Winter Classic. For Pens fans, this is the end of an era and the beginning of a new one. On one hand, we get new, shiny things. And on the other hand, we're modernizing in a way that isn't quite Pittsburgh, and is more global. I mean, we're still surprised when we realize that people elsewhere in the world know that Pittsburgh exists. So when Bettman's in town it's always a surreal experience.


Mock-up of the rink. Not a terrible view, but depressingly horizontal. And we can peek a corner of downtown. Sort of. God, what desolation.

You gotta hand it to Pittsburghers. They're the only people who would build a stadium that is largely bright yellow and not think it was the most obnoxious thing ever. We love tackiness.


Let's examine this photograph for its subtext. First: the Pittsburgh Winter Classic logo is excellent. The yellow bridge, the black mountains, the river? Worth a thousand words about the heritage of the city. Good choice. Some graphic designer just did something good. As PH Staff comes from a town that has produced hundreds of ill-fated graphic designers, we are proud.
Bettman is in the foreground, saying something, we don't actually remember what he was saying.
Sid is in the background, making a face like he just smelled shit--but looking quite striking in a nice blue polo.
This is basically the NHL's strategy for marketing Crosby in a nutshell.
But I mean, at least he showed up:

Ovechkin didn't. Now, this press conference was total BS (I mean they didn't even provide any uniform info! but more on that later) and we totally understand that he probably had better things to do. Still, the fact that the Capitals are trusting their PR with guys like Knuble and David Steckel says a lot. First, both of those guys were class acts. Second, captains sometimes put aside "better things to do" to show up and support an event. David Steckel definitely didn't have anything better to do yesterday. . .so it's really nothing special.

Possibly the best thing to come out of the cast of characters present at Heinz Field:

FUCKIN' FOOTBALLS HOW DO THEY WORK
Sid doesn't know. Mike doesn't know. Who knows?
Miracles up in this bitch.

but what caused the most media frenzy yesterday?
Max Talbot calling Ovechkin a douche on the radio. You can find it in the list of interviews here.
Of course, some people were upset and they were made fun of verily on Twitter and the like. We're over it. Everyone's a douche at one time or another.
We still want to get Sasha and Zhenya's Comedy Hour back together. Doesn't mean we want to hang out with the guy or anything. He's probably an uncomfortable asshole, and we definitely have criticisms about his style of play and handling of media situations. Max Talbot can say whatever he wants. We don't really hate anyone except like, Chris Osgood.

Now: the logo mysteries.
This excellent post at Icethetics basically says everything you need to know about the logos that were shown at Heinz Field yesterday up on the scoreboard.
Pensblog posted a large version of the Pens logo:

Interesting.
At the bottom of this post you can see that they also received a tip that the Pens might be using the weird jerseys that the Pens wore from 1977 to 1980, which, if we use the modern convention of dark sweaters for home games, they'll be wearing a kind of dark blue. This doesn't jive with the skating-penguin-in-scarf logo that we saw at Heinz, but okay. Either way we have to wait awhile before the jerseys are unveiled.
Then we have to decide which player's name we're getting on it to wear. As long as it's not completely fugz.

This is going to be such a beautiful disaster.
GO PENS.

Update: official word from Pens that John Barbero has passed.
We wanted his voice in Consol. A very, very, very sad day.

A lot has been going on lately, believe it or not. Really, though, we can't claim we're privy to it personally.
We just love hockey. It is seriously about high time that the season starts and puts us out of our misery.
Rumors going around that Pens announcer John Barbero was not doing very well today and may have passed away this evening. No confirmation, but either way you should keep him and his family in your thoughts. What. A. Voice. Overenthusiastic monster truck guys like they have in Washington should respect.

Our Blingee contest does indeed have a resolution. Here is a mere taste of what is to come:

from our personal Blingee Master, [TP]

Finally, Consol Energy Center glimmering in yesterday's sunshine after the big rainstorm:

If you've been to CEC lately, it feels like an exhibit from the future. All of the gates are named after companies. The inside looks bright white like a concept sketch--which is strangely exciting.

The old barn:

Might be one of the last times I get to see it.
She's pretty, isn't she?

That's all for now. Big stuff coming soon. I know we keep promising that, but we still think next season is "soon."
We have no concept of time. If we did we'd die waiting for hockey.
GO PENS.

FOR HAPPY NEWS:
check out pittsburghpenguins.com tomorrow at NOON for a live stream of the press conference where we get big-time Winter Classic logo/uniform announcements and Gary "Horsehair Plaster" Bettman action. Dear god.

As you probably know, the Pens have been having prospect camp. No one in PH-land has been able to attend prospect camp, so we recommend checking out the vids/commentary from Eric P at Pensblog:
day 1
day 2
day 3
Prospect camp concludes tomorrow with a 3pm practice at Southpointe.
We may update this post later with info from friends who got to attend camp today/earlier in the week.
Also, does Eric Tangradi's voice scare anybody else? It's so deep. Kind of unreal.

You know it's summer 'cause there's some big time video about installing carpet:


CEC got the Frozen Four in 2013. Wooooo and stuff, yeah you probably knew all this already.
But it is July and we've got nothing.
We're trying to put together some kind of coloring activity for everybody.

BUT IN THE MEANTIME:
Last post, somebody suggested a Blingee challenge. So, we present:
The Jailbait Blingee Challenge!
Blingee current prospects from around the NHL and/or European leagues.
For players who are now older than 21, feel free to use an old picture.
The winner will receive a secret prize package to be determined later, but all submissions will be posted for your enjoyment/seizure.
example:

Don't be shy! E-mail to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it and use "U-21 Championships" as your subject line.
Woooooooooo

GO PENS

update: some news going on about the Pens' Winter Classic sweater.  *tingle*

The Penguins announced yesterday that they will be introducing an "Ice Crew" at the CEC.
The pitch sounds innocuous enough, and even suggests that men and women will be given equal consideration:

The Pittsburgh Penguins will introduce a skating “Ice Crew” for the 2010-11 season – a team of energetic girls and guys who will help clean the ice, interact with fans and take part in other promotional activities.

Putting the crew on skates will add a new level of excitement to the Penguins’ game presentation as the team enters a new era at CONSOL Energy Center.

“We’ll be looking for energy, athleticism and passion for the Penguins,” said James Santilli, the team’s vice president of marketing. “We think it’s a great way for fans to get even more involved with Penguins hockey and help make games at CONSOL Energy Center an even greater entertainment experience.”

Okay, whatever. There is a certain level of crap that we will put up with from people who work in marketing.
However, the audition dates for dudes haven't even been scheduled, leading us to believe that they'll probably just add some nonthreatening types on at the end if they can't fill all of roster spots on the crew with girls.

There are NO specific height and weight requirements; however our uniform demands a lean and tone figure. Being physically fit is a part of the athletic, high-energy Pittsburgh Penguins Ice Crew image.

Translation: if you have curves, gtfo. Only skinny people have energy and passion. Here is a list of requirements for the ice crew:

Skating or figure skating technique
Ability to skate in hockey skates
Striking appearance
Physically fit (lean & toned)
Energetic and outgoing personality
Poise
Communication skills
Hockey knowledge

"Hockey knowledge" comes last. But if you do apply, they do want to know if you have modeling experience:

Seriously.

Applicants must wear a midriff bearing top (crop/bra top), yoga/dance pants, HOCKEY skates (if you don’t own them, you will be able to rent hockey skates), jacket and athletic shoes.

Translation: We're probably judging your boobs.

Find a hairstyle that compliments your natural beauty. Hair needs to be styled and worn all down. Make-up should be tasteful - wear makeup that flatters you. Nails should be painted a French manicure or a neutral shade of polish.

wtf on this one. No idea.

If you're interested in these shenanigans, more information is here and here.

We had a long rant written about how ice girls were damaging to the organization's image and spread a negative sexual message to fans, especially young girls who have an interest in hockey.
We also questioned the decision to make a change to the ice crew, seeing as the old ice crew seemed plenty capable and professional, and this just seems gimmicky. I mean, weren't all the Pens games going to be sold out anyway without ice sluts?

Now: Pensblog broke the info that the ice crew will be not a group of "ice girls" like you'd see in other hockey markets, but an extension of the Pens Patrol.
We're familiar with the Pens Patrol girls, who dress (mostly) covered and are ideal footsoldiers for any marketing campaign because they have just the obnoxious, college-type personality required to approach strangers and ask them to do things or accept promotional material.
We totally understand needing high-energy people for the job, athletically capable people who can skate, whatever. Never mind that the old ice crew was mostly random dudes and some women in track jackets, who seemed nice enough.
From a marketing standpoint, though, do you really think were the Pens in danger of losing ticket sales or fan interest because they didn't have a group of loud [Belegost]ers to entertain us during TV timeout?
And the worst part is that no matter how much this anonymous Penguins official that Pensblog spoke to says that these aren't ice sluts, the organization has made it apparent that how you look in a crop top is a very important hiring point. The Penguins organization has instituted a "no fatties" policy, in essence--which seems unusual if they aren't trying to sell sex appeal with this new ice crew, even if they state that sweatsuits will be worn. No matter how much you love the Penguins, female students of Pittsburgh, no matter how enthusiastic you are, no matter how bubbly your personality or willingness to do the work, or capability to do the work in terms of skating ability, physical ability, etc.--you're probably not going to be able to get the job unless you've got a perfectly flat stomach. Sorry, hockey (and hockey operations) aren't for everyone. And let's not forget the weird manicure requirements. Jesus.

Basically, this still perpetuates a negative sexual message. Sure, you have to have an athletic background to play hockey at a high level, and you need like, a modicum of physical capability to clean the ice surface at a hockey arena. None of this has anything to do with your nails, how flat your tummy is when you pull your shirt up, or your makeup and hairstyle. And if they're looking for an enthusiastic, likable fan crew, those things are equally irrelevant.
(Let's not forget that Dustin Byfuglien is obese and he won a Stanley Cup. /burn)
Sorry, Pens organization, we're not buying it.
James Santilli = officially on notice.
The fact remains that this bull[Nogrod] has nothing to do with the on-ice product so we have to wonder why it is so important to a hockey team's vice president of marketing. Sell the game, not some girls who yell at you and throw t-shirts and spend their off-days at the gym so they can fit into that dress and go to Diesel.

It's stupid, and sneaky.
We can't say that enough.
Drop the puck already so we can care about something important.
GO PENS.

anyone interested in writing James Santilli can e-mail This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .  This e-mail was provided to us by a reader and we're not sure if it works or not, but it's the best line to them that we have at the moment.

It's that time againnnnnn....

You can catch other lovely historical incidents of this here and here.

We've promoted it everywhere else on the Internet, so if you haven't already, please check out
our Guest Post Wednesday on the Pensblog.
If you've got a few minutes. It's about Cities and Feelings.

In other news, is Kovalchuk an dbag or what?

srsly Ilya baby we used to have a soft spot for you and your girl jeans until you started acting like Curry's gift to hockey and we're just going to have to disagree.
We suggest he round up the girls and take a therapeutic trip to H&M before deciding where he's going to sign.
Just a thought.

Pens signed Brett Sterling and he's cool or something.
Babies are having camp soon.
Is it October yet?


Nabokov is going to Russia and we cried for days (even though we only heard about it a few hours ago), SAD.

GO PENS.

P.S. Great post about enforcer moves around the Atlantic Division from our buddy Travis:
at The Goon Blog