Partying with Zac Efron

Hello all of everyone.
Tonight is another very special event in our lives that you can follow along live for something that has 0% to do with hockey. Somehow by the end of the night it will be 42% hockey, because that's just how our minds work, but for now, it's pretty much all about us being a mess.

FIRST OF ALL.
Roadtrips.
We were referring to the Pens road trip in our last post, but as we now understand, people are looking forward to OUR next road trip. It's coming, after the Pens win the Cup again (aka this summer) and it's going to be another exciting happening in our lives. We'll let you know all about that when the time comes.

NOW.
Tonight is a very special liveblog of yet another cinematic masterpiece.


Damn straight. We've got a bottle of rum and a plan, and will present you with yet another PH movie review of Terrible Shit.

Starting....now.

9:22pm - Okay so we were watching previews and there was some film that made it look like Zac Efron was a real actor and we were really confused and our souls hurt. The first drinks have been made. Woooo!

9:23pm- Kim's new goal is to be drunk by the end of the previews.

9:28pm - This film is rated PG-13 for, among other things, teen partying. OH NOES.

9:29pm - IT'S NIKITA FUCKING FILATOV PEOPLE

9:33pm - Nikita's woman doesn't love him anymore so now he's going to blow the big basketball game. This plot is amazing so far. Like. . .holy shit. So many feelings. HE JUST WALKED OFF THE COURT. MAYBE THIS IS WHY COLUMBUS HAD TO LOAN HIM TO THE KHL WHAT A FUCKING PUSSY.

9:35pm - Bitch is pregnant isn't she? Man, Nikita does NOT age well.

9:37pm - Dude Mike Richards appearance. Nikita's life just fell apart. You'll know what we mean if you watch. The word "leadership" will appear.

9:43 - Trying to figure out why high school was the happiest time of Nikita's life. We consulted with Zoë's dad who said if he had a choice he would go back to 1982, when he was 25. Not 17. Who was happy at 17? Who impregnated bitches at 17 and wants that back? Who wants that?

9:52pm - we have the movie on pause for a phone conversation. Please hang tight.

10:08 - We're talking to an amazing man named Dave. We wish he were here. While we can't wait to get back to Nikita, Dave is a welcome distraction. GETTING DRUNKER!!!

10:17 - Nikita trying to convince his nerdy son to be good at basketball and omg when is he going to be 17 again?!?!!?!!!?!

10:20pm - Nikita is no longer a catch. We think that santa man who was a janitor is going to be his magical savior. Nikita is is in the rain. Somewhere between Dave calling and pausing the movie we got reallllly drunk. Oh noes. He's not even 17 again. WE GOT DRUNK BEFORE NIKITA WAS 17 AGAIN.

10:27 - FINALLY HE IS 17 AGAIN AND IT IS ALL BECAUSE OF THE JANITOR SDFJKJLGNMRFNKLJLADS

10:36 - eating the Tostitos and marveling at the Efron. HE IS WEARING ED HARDY RED ALERT RED ALERT

10:40 - Whatshisface just told Nikita that his shirt was "bedazzled". Wrong. It is "Blingeed". At least it was established that Ed Hardy clothes make you look like a douche. This movie did something important to society.

10:45 Oh dear Ned is playing Internet chess with Samir. We need to get drunk enough so Zac Efron is fuckable. Zac Efron's son is such a nerd. "I'd shake your hand but it's taped to my ass" is an amazing comedic genius that we will never be able to replicate.

10:50 - Stan DOES have a small weiner. . .and we mean that in more ways than the obvious.

10:53 - SHE JUST TOUCHED NIKITA IN THE MOST INAPPROPRIATE WAY OMFG OMFG SHE WANTS TO SMELL HIM WTF

10:56 - autolinked by zacefronforum.com. Lives = complete forever.

10:59 - He made every woman in love with him by explaining the beauty of abstinence. And really he is an awful teenager. Do not understand this film.

10:05 - drunk enough to think this movie is cute.

10:09 - this movie makes statutory rape A-OKAY.

11:15 - Michelle Trachtenberg plays the teenage daughter in this movie. SHE IS ANCIENTTTTTTT. Like literally she is 25. Nikita is currently forbidding her to do something.

11:27 - bitch is still ancient. had the movie paused for pee. Zac Efron is amazing especially at basketball. Also Jan from the Office is the principal. And we live in unreality. And we love Ned and his paisley jacket and we have feelings and omg so many drunk texts but at least Nikita is here.

12:02 - wow. paused movie again so Kim could battle it out with her boyfriend for "not being as cute as Zac Efron". Srsly. He agreed to be as cute so things are better now. we'll alert you as to how that is working out later. we are so drunk that we want boys to be "AS CUTE AS ZAC EFRON IN 17 AGAIN." omg. wtf. how do movies take us a year to watch when they are not even two hours long.

12:16 - we can only dream that our foreplay can one day be done in Elfish.

12:21 - wtf this film. The Ned character is actually exceedingly well-written. But everything else is kitsch city. Not understanding it. Also Nikita. Nikita is not a man.

12:32 - BUT HE IS BECOMING A MAN HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT MAD AWK. CLARENCE THE ANGEL FTW. fjklshjkfldsjfidos

whew!

Sorry about the personal weekend we all took at Puck Huffers.
We stood in two rush lines at Mellon Arena, had a 25% success rate, made daiquiris, and generally had spring break in the PH tradition.
We love hockey and we are dedicated to it in some pretty hardcore ways, but Daiquiri Afternoon was meant to happen, and disrupted everything.
We think the boys would approve. Don't know why. Just know.

Anyway, we better get you all up to date! You know all of this already. If you don't we doubt your commitment to SparkleMotion.
But we have to mention it.

Some items of note:
1.) The Penguins are finally atop the Atlantic Division, for real.
The Debs still have two games in hand on us, but if they win them both they're still a point behind.
Someone was going for some kind of insane photojournalism artistic award in this photo.
Look into Daddy's eyes.
Do you see the fear? The sadness? The horror?
So suck it NJ. We're tearing your shit up. See you later, dicks.

2.) Okay okay the Cooke hit on Marc Savard.

Having been at this game, I didn't see the hit, but I did experience the complete hush over the crowd when Savard didn't get up from that, and it was scary.
Nobody wants anybody to get hurt like that.
At least, a good fan of hockey doesn't want anybody to get hurt like that.
Watching the replay: it's not an elbow, it's a shoulder.
Is it dirty: in theory, yes.
Could Cooke have merely missed his check and gotten Savard's head instead of his shoulder: sure, but we have no idea.
Should Marc Savard have been looking the fuck out instead of admiring his shot: yes, definitely.
Was it late: hits as late as or later than that are committed without penalty every single game.
Do we still love Matt Cooke: yes, of course. It's his job to do borderline shit. Of course he should have been more careful, but we can't vilify him as a human being because we're pretty sure he would never intend to cause harm to anybody, much less head-trauma harm.
Should hits like that be penalized: in theory, yes. Intentional or not. You sit four in the box if you cut someone's face with your stick blade and draw blood, even if it was a total and complete accident and you promise to buy the guy a drink and the two of you are best friends and train together in the offseason and live next door to each other and your wives share an herb garden.

We don't really know what the solution to the hits-to-the-head problem is.
We'd say that there's a reason we're bloggers and the guys in charge of this shit are in charge of this shit, but we don't trust the higher-ups in the NHL any more than we trust Max Talbot with the keys to the van on Friday night.
Generally, we just want people to be more careful, for hits to the head to be penalized, and for Marc Savard to have a speedy recovery.

3.) CBJ currently getting blown the fuck out by the Kings for no apparent reason.
They have 11 shots so far in the game. wtf babies

4.) We love everything and everyone.

5.) Road trip coming up. Brace yourselves.

kthx
Go Pens

We aren't dead!

We could have been, but we aren't.
Somehow we make it out of everything alive.
We still haven't figured that one out yet.

There will be a post later, sorry for the delay.

PH has been traveling, trying to student rush games+discovering the finer points of Governor General. We hope you are enjoying the weekend matinees--Go Pens.

till the sweat drops down my balls

Woke up this morning to a beautiful sight:


Which helps to wipe my memory of the WORST PHOTO OF SID, EVER:

How insane is that eyebrow?!?

SI has restored balance in the universe.

Our new guy Ponikarovski is still unpacking and is not in the game tonight, but he will be for the weekend. Billy G is out as well.

Danny Potash quizzes Brooks on how his pairing with brand spankin' new acquisition Jordan Leopold is going…except that Leopold will be with Gogo. Brooks makes this face when Potash asks him about Leopold:

And then starts talking about KTang. pwned.

Puck drops and MAF starts stressing that his stick might be broken from an MStaal shot. No mention of brothers…. and as soon as that thought crosses my mind Errey NAMES ALL THREE NHL STAALS AND DECLARES THAT THE BROTHERS WILL ALL MAKE THE SOCHI OLYMPIC TEAM. Pause for our compilation of Staal v. Staal photographs:



Consider yourselves druuuunkkkkk.

I'm still reeling from Staal overload when Sean Avery does something hockey-like and assists Anisimov on a wrister that goes over the glove of Fleury. Bounces off a post.
0-1

Chill, Bro:



Sid is dragged down right near the net and stays down because he's a man who knows how to play the game. King Henrik gets all jealous of his OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL and comes out of the crease to really get in his face and apparently tells him to quit diving. Sidney Crosby Canadian Hero™ is not amused by this dude who wasn’t even on podium so he shoves him and all hell breaks loose.

Penalties, penalties everywhere.

Like a minute later we're on a 5-on-3 and after about 4 tries Kunitz is the man who puts it in the net. Like a boss.

1-1

Pens are on a roll and JStaal comes in and flings the puck wildly at Henrik. Matty Cooke slides into the net and puts the puck in off some part of his body.
2-1

Suddenly, Brandon Prust stops sexting hookers from the bench and acts like he gives a shit. There is a chat and then he harasses Cooke on the faceoff. By "harass" I mean puts his fist into Cooke's face and then looks surprised when he gets sent to the box. Matty exists, so he's put into the box, too. MSG refs: Stern. Stern, but fair...

Rangers go on the PP because of Brooks…

Moment Your Olympic Hangover Let You Cheer For The Wrong Guy:

Chris Drury scores from his knees with a spin. My anger was tempered by that last goal in US v. Canada I , but MAF is smacking the ice with his stick all tantrum like and that snaps me out of it. Drury, you suck!

2-2

The second starts and there are shots, shots everywhere. Rozsival puts it over MAF's glove from the far right corner. Steigy is calling for Gogo's head on that play.
2-3

Drown your sorrows with these fine lookin patriots:

US Bobsled team is in the hizzouse.

Dupes and JStaal go bowling for Rangers and there are casualties littering the ice in front of the net. Somehow this all gets turned around and fuckin Dubinski puts the puck in with the help of Fleury's back and elbow. He should get two assists.

2-4

MAF hurls his stick like a javelin as Johnson puts his gloves on and gets settled into net.

Enough Of This Shit:


Sid comes off the bench behind the Rangers, passes to Rupp, who puts it in.
3-4

The games starts to really get ridic. Johnson's out there makin saves without his sick. He is juggling the puck like a carnie. Errey's gone on Olympic overload and is calling the Pens "a bunch of Apolo Ohnos." Steigy announces that this is "Talbot Time". Indeed.

Malks is on fire. He's everywhere, stabbing Henrik trying to get the puck under him and across the line. Henrik is making pretty snow angels.

Suddenly Avery and MaxTal are slapping each other with their gloves on. Max is lol-ing. Aves looks like a mime. Penalties for roughing. Really?

Clutch:

Gogo gets his first goal in 37 games, erases all memory of the Rozsival lapse. No photos exist, so I give you this:

Yeah. 4-4

OT:

Errey has given up on the second point before the puck even drops. They're calling for Jokinen to win it.

Oh, hells no.

From here on, it's the Geno Show. Malks draws a penalty from Redden. Drury's stick breaks and it's pandemonium. He's getting handsy with Sid, swimming on the ice, and swiping the puck with his gloves. Geno takes it in and Henrik magically saves. Malks keeps holding it in…
AND THE ONE TIMER WINNNNNS

JStaal with the winner.

Alternate Three Stars:

3. Johnson with a mini-shutout. And look at that blue steel...



2. Dupuis had an unreal 10 shots on goal with no points. I'm giving you this one, man. Btw: Pens outshot 55 to 16...

1. JStaal: 2 goals, 1 assist. You win the battle of the brothers tonight.

Stars Saturday.
Go Pens.