just swallow that

What does Carolina do?
They come back and stun you.
They almost did it. But between shots of Pillow Lips on the bench that screamed ESTAAL=STUNNED, some guy named Evgeni Malkin was scoring a hat trick.
That's one thing that Carolina hasn't faced this postseason--a team that is capable of outscoring its own mistakes, a team with a potent offense, a team with players like Evgeni Malkin and Sidney Crosby. They haven't had to deal with us yet. Normally we hate to be totally blatant homers, but can anyone question the complete playoff badassery of Mellon Arena this season?
Deal with it.
We own it.

We don't want to get ahead of ourselves.
The series heads back to RBC Center now, and Cam Ward doesn't like to be a slut in his own house.
If you think there's anything easy left to do in these playoffs, you are so very, very wrong.

But really. Did this happen? Are we really here?
Just ask Cam.
Cam didn't make it to awards night tonight.
Word on the street is that he's eating ham and Swiss sandwiches in his hotel room and wishing we'd pick him up and take him to Cucumber Falls with us.
No dice.
There are others in line before you, Cameron.
Your time to pimp strut is not now.

THE "MY CAPTAIN IS BETTER THAN YOUR CAPTAIN" OBLIGATORY AWARD
After JStaal and EStaal took the opening faceoff, you might have been too busy getting someone on the horn to bring more vodka to see the following sequence of events.
Fleury with the big momentum-saver on Scott Walker.
Thank Curry.

The Kunitz-Crosby-Guerin line makes some kind of crazy cycle. Kunitz throws it in front. Crosby, after basically orchestrating the play himself, goes hard to the net.
The energy is palpable.
It's what we in Pittsburgh call leadership.
Mike Richards once named his cock Leadership and tried to get us to taste it, but they wouldn't let it pay the toll on the PA Turnpike.

MAN WHO SHOULD LEAST BE ALLOWED TO CRASH NETS
The boys immediately get sloppy in the d-zone and let some motherfuckers get all up in Fleury's business.
Chad LaRose.
Let's play hypothetical for a moment.
You're a hardworking dad in your mid-40's with a 16-year-old daughter.
Chad LaRose asks her to go see the new Terminator movie at the drive-in.
Do you let her out of the house at all that night?
Think about it.

After that business, Crosby has an amazing defensive zone shift, because he fucking can. Something is brewing.

BEST THIRD LINE IN THE NHL ON ACID
The third line magic starts going on.
Staal goes to the bench and changes for Malks at the same moment that TK attempts a wraparound.
Malkin just goes to the net and ruins everyone's lives.
WOOOOOOOOO
2-1
WE GOT THIS RIGHT?

PUCK HUFFERS CITATION FOR ILLEGAL MOUTHGUARDS
Jussi, what color is your mouthguard? Seriously. We are not so much into that, sir.
Nor your goal.
If you want a boy who knows how to rock a colored mouthguard, go no further than Cal Clutterbuck.
(His is blue.)
2-2 in like 25 seconds.
Watching an opposition goal get scored while John Barbero is announcing the last Penguins goal is one of those things that you just don't want to think about, talk about, or view.

9 minutes in and there are already 4 goals.
This could be settled down.
Bylsma drinks water on the bench in the manner of Gary Roberts in an effort to calm the troops.

LIKE WE GAVE A SHIT AT THIS POINT
Seidenberg blasts one from the point that finds its way through approximately 95 people to the back of the net behind Fleury.
Anyway, if you want to try something delicious, make yourself a drink in a big glass consisting of whiskey and cream soda. Then put one of these in it:
It will make all of those dizzy visions of Cam Ward finding his game and slamming the door for two periods like a Conn Smythe-winning goaltender a lot less painful.
Teams trade PPs. Nothing happens. Talbot has a beast shift on the PK.
Fedotenko tries to beat up Chad LaRose before a faceoff. He must have been pissed because he proceeded to trip Brooksie.
The PP starts off okay, then Tanger gives it away and it's off to the races. He then tries to end someone's life in frustration.
The first ends with the score 3-2.
We had to play 60 minutes for that shit to happen last game.
AT LEAST THERE ARE WHISKEY CREAM SODA FLOATS
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
(No, we weren't playing the game. We're not fucking crazy. . .yet.)

THE LITTLE PP THAT COULDN'T, WITH THE HUGE ASSHOLE THAT COULD
Pens had a carryover PP to start the second.
Tanger almost goes redemption city after a period of bad passing and giveaways, but his shot rings off the post.
Then Crosby trips someone, apparently. Versus doesn't give the citizens a replay.
Pens kill it.
Malks makes some incredible play along the boards to get the puck to Talbot, who is streaking up the middle uncontested while Carolina makes changes.
It wasn't a great shot.
Max isn't skill. The man is all heart.
He just beat Cam Ward. With his heart.
3-3, Max, baby


IS THIS REAL LIFE?

Canes try to pressure but they kind of suck at it.

Pens get some PP after Crosby is high-sticked, and the power play is 2:00 of straight zone time. Canes don't touch it, clear it, or do anything of worth.
But Cam Ward is Rat Bastard Cam Ward for a reason.
Nothing happens.

THE MOMENT YOU WONDERED IF HAIR CAN BE SENTIENT IN AND OF ITSELF
With 7:54 left in the second, the beast is free.
Ktang's hair on the attack.
It was on-deck when Malkin viciously attacked Chad LaRose for taking some innocent high school sophomore cheerleader into the backseat of his '67 Buick Skylark.

THE GOAL THAT WAS JUST FUCKING HUGE AT THE TIME
In the waning minute of the second, Malkin goes out to center Kunitz and Guerin. They kind of go fucking insane and work the Canes to death in their own zone. Kunitz walks in on a mission. Seven seconds left in the period.
Upon scoring, he skates behind the net in search of his BFF Uncle Jordy.

OMG I CAN HAS YOU
4-3

PUCK HUFFERS NEWSBREAK
After the second, the Staal brothers shot count is frozen at six, plus that half a handle you drank for the opening faceoff.
Have the Staals become irrelevant in this series?
Film at 11.
NOW BACK TO OUR REGULAR BROADCAST

FUCK THIS SHIT
Early in the third, Patrick Eaves beats Fleury. The press apparently didn't decide to photograph it.
This is why this team was able to stay alive through series against the Bruins and the Devils.
This is why this is going to be hard.

Cullen goes to the box for a trip. We immediately think of vampires.
Blahblahblah.
PP is gone before you know it.
Fourth liners gamely try to take over the world.

Then, Malks waltzes in and says "no thanks."
5-4

THE CAAAAAAM WAAAAAAAARD AWARD
Apparently that just wasn't quite enough.
The playoffs are about one-goal games, stunning performances, incredible series of ALMOST so fucking tantalizing that you got out of your seat and tried to break shit.
But we're not going to let the Carolina Hurricanes take this advantage away from us.

So here's what Evgeni Malkin did.
He didn't just win a faceoff and pass it back to his defense. He basically just plowed through the other dude, went behind the net, skated it out, and did a no-look backhander.
Just like Coachy said, there are very few people in the world who can bury that.
And we have two of them.
Malkin didn't exactly call his shot, but Guerin and Max Talbot said Malkin told his teammates what he was trying to do on his last goal.

"We have set plays on faceoffs and he told me before the draw what he was going to do - and he did it," Talbot said.

Pittsburgh coach Dan Bylsma said the play is called The Geno, Malkin's nickname.

"And for a reason," Bylsma said. "He pushed through and got the puck himself and, after that, it's just all him."
Did we mention it was the hattie?

Watching Malkin's dad basically burst into tears, hug strangers, and kiss his mother repeatedly was a sight for the fucking ages.
What a family.
Can we come over for dinner?
Seriously.

Eric Staal after the big goal. Alternate caption might say something like:
WHERE'S GODZILLA NOW BITCH
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

THE "KTHX" AWARD
Pens keep trying to kill the clock.
Fleury makes some incredible save.
TK buries the empty net.
7-4
Canes ice it and all hell breaks loose.
Ktang's hair breaks free for the second time all evening.
That's almost a hat trick of Ktang hair.
Maybe next time.

Miro Satan also beat the shit of some dude. Check the unreal highlights for that action.
Speaking of unreal YouTubes, one of our favorite YouTubers GhostWalker40 made this and dedicated it to the Capitals series.

It is a fucking Blingee and therefore it cannot be questioned.

We feel so sparkly.

PENS WIN
7-4
ON TO RALEIGH WHERE NOTHING IS FREE AND CAM WARD TAKES ADDERALL

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

BEST ENGLISH
Has mastered use of the word "awesome" now, as per his postgame on the Penguins site.
Piiiiiiimp.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. President Kennedy - Deserved to beat Ward. We will begrudgingly accept Mr. Empty Net.
2. Matt Cooke - 3-point night that no one noticed, apparently.
3. Harold Priestley
Because.

What a game.
We might make some big plans for Saturday or some shit.
We'll see.

Oh, and we heard that we were mentioned on TSN for the Staal Brothers Drinking Game, which is really fucking cool! But they also called us dudes, which was not. Many of you seem to have e-mailed them and let them know that we are not dudes and asked them to credit us for creating the drinking game. We encourage this, mostly because we don't like being mistaken for dudes. If you'd like to drop them a line and remind them, feel free. audiencerelations@tsn.ca is where to send your thoughts and concerns.

We don't know whether to cry or wind our watches.
fjlksdfjlksd
GO PENS.