there doesn't seem to be a reason to change

So today is the day. Les Bitches have left me with the keys and that's never a good idea. Amazingly, this doesn't come close to being the worst decision of the day. Everybody's favorite fuck-up, Steve Downie, has been set free from the psych ward and will not only be allowed to hold a stick, but will also be on a line with Vinnie, who is 13 games without a goal. Winners, all.

Tampa Bay's Twitter informs me that the sweet sounds of Rick Springfield have been pumping up the Lightning. There's really nothing like Jessie's Girl to get you over a 7-1 loss and ready to face the Champs.

Also, they posted this picture of Stanley:



….blurry, out of frame. Kinda looks like seedy No-Tell Motel pornography. Somebody get security, baby feels objectified.

This is the game of 25. 25 years since Mario got his first point 18 seconds into his first shift. 25 glorious wins since Danny B took the wheel. Woo! So ready.

Right off the bat, we have:

MOST DISTURBING USE OF ZOOM
Brooks shows his appreciation for Steve Downie's illustrious career by laying him down and slamming him into the boards. Orpik went to the bench to readjust his contacts, breathe a little bit, maybe take just a sec to collect himself and GOOD LORD PLEASE STOP GETTING CLOSER!!



A few minutes later I looked up to find them locked on a little girl picking her nose. Stay classy, camera guys.

Perusing the press, the stats say that Tampa Bay has not gotten the first goal in any of their games so far, while the Pens have not lost a game where they scored first. Aaaand.....

BEST POWER PLAY GOAL... LIKE A BOSS
Billy Guerin, you dog. So much hustle. Niittymaki got lost in Pensland and decided to wander far away from home. Malkin was all over it and it's put away. The game is clearly over, but people bought tickets, so they decide to keep playing.


1-0

Gogo takes a penalty and this starts the Night of the Mustache. He feels shame in the bin and decides to play as a forward and d-man to make up for it. Steigy wants everyone out there to know that the reason for the panty dropping shadow on his lip is that he lost a bet and has to let it grow for 15 days. Christmas has come early. Looks like we're on day 3.



Like a lollipop.

MOST PLEASANT SUPRISE
Gonch. Like, Whoah. Slapshot seconds off the faceoff. Sailed right over Niitty's left pad and shot around around inside the net like a 3 year old in a bouncy castle.


2-0

As the first intermission rolls, Danny Potash interviews Sir.


Brave.
Potash tells him that he has been waiting FOREVER for a PP goal. Guerin tells him to hold his breath next time.

Now in the second, Mr. Malone brings his new buddy Steve Stamkos over to meet MAF. They ask him how his mom is, what he did on his day with the Cup, and then score on the PP... Bitches.


2-1

Seconds later, from somewhere in eastern Pennsylvania, Gonch fires a wrister just as Malkin reaches critical boredom and decides to play a game of I'm Not Touching You with Niitty. Success.

3-1

MOMENT OF GREATEST CONFUSION AND PREMATURE ANNOUNCING
Steigy jumps the gun and starts talking about the possibility of Gonchar having a date with a hat trick. Images of his previous two goal games flood the screen and I drift off on a cloud of possibility, blissfully unaware that it was Dupuis that sent it in. Hallucinations all around.

Malks is still way bored and attacks Vinnie's ankles like a thug with a bat. Get that kid a Soduku.

The Pens are on a two man advantage. There are so many shots, rebounds, and then Ranger bats the puck like he's playing handball…and goes to help crowd the box. 5 on 3. Good lord. Gonchar is out there, setting shit up like the genius he is. And they CANNOT CONVERT. WFT. Niitty's muffin shop is closed for all three penalties. A few minutes later there is another 5 on 3. Basically, Billy wants Potash to die.



BEST STEVE DOWNIE MOMENT LAUGHING WITH HIM,
NOT AT HIM
Steve decides that the game is winding down, his team doesn’t like him too much, so he takes this opportunity show how valuable he could be to the Pens. He plays the puck to Rupp, who just couldn't possibly. Well, if you insist. He stuffs it in.

4-1

Way to almost take one for the team, McKee. Jay postures like he is ready to block the next shot with his face, but it's Mark Eaton who stands between Lecavalier and Flower.

They pull Niitty with over 2 minutes left, cuz that's not desperate. Tocchet is blowing pink bubbles with his gum. The Pens' performance is described as "machine-like". Suck it, Stamkos.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS

3. Brooks - for not being afraid to skip contact solution. Pinkeye is for sissies.
2. Coach - Congrats on the big 25


1. McKee - Even though you didn't block that completely irrelevant and improbable goal with your orbital bone, we know you would have. Love.

Blues on Tuesday.
Go Pens.