give me back that fillet o fish

So pretty much every time I recap, massive tech issues force me to listen to the games on radio. I'm not complaining, the banter that fills the dead space during games is really the highlight of my night. But this fruitless search for a sweet feed has caused me to start eating massive amounts of counterfeit Tostitos lime. They say they are lime, but they are not lime. These issues are indicative of the seriously unsatisfactory evening to follow.



The game starts out with a sensual explanation of the uniforms. There is like a full account of socks, pants, and jerseys. Trim is included with brilliant observations like "teal" and "white". Thank god the game starts.

Siddo immediately goes away for something kind of bs-ish. Nothing bad happens. Sweet. Then Kunitz turns over the puck and it gets bad. MAF is turning in circles like his dog is lost at the park, the puck is behind the net, and he finds it just in time to let it slip in just between his skate and the post.

1-0

Letang goes to the dressing room. I instinctively know that it's because he forgot his dry wax, which is a big deal because he really wants to try to keep this new haircut up this time and stay sharp. Media are total downers about it because they're bald and don’t remember how important wax was when they were in their prime. Hype, hype, but we all know Kris will be fine.



Cooke goes for roughing, Orpik is described as "having words". That's all I need to know envision what that face looks like.



Boyle to Pavelski on the Cooke penalty. Matty, please use your Brooks words sometimes and end up in the box less. I have nothing more to say about this.

2-0

Rupp and Staubitz throw down. Rupp is throwing bombs, but wails on Staubitz's helmet. Consensus is that he wins…. Of course he wins, that fuckin' lid had it coming.



Heatley to Thornton riiight off the faceoff but there is a rare moment of no success. Almost threw up my faux-lime. Apparently the Sharks "smell blood". I would like to take this moment to explain this phenomena to PH readers everywhere:

How glad are you that you are not this man.

Sharks receive scent by two methods: molecular diffusion and water currents. Water currents are the faster method for olfactory information. Depending on how fast the water is moving, the scent of blood could reach a shark anywhere from one minute to a dozen. In this case, it took about 13 minutes and 27 seconds. Sharks swim into the current where they detect the odor of blood. The hunting shark will swim in spirals, thereby eliminating the currents that don't carry the scent of blood and following those that do. In summary, Sweet Baby Fleruy is bleeding like a stuck pig and we have been outshot 13-3.



I drown myself in guacamole during intermission. Letang is doubtful to return and was holding his right arm.

Cooke goes away for diving. Forgot that he still had his snorkel on, refs were not fooled.

Boyle scores from the circle during a 4 on 4.

3-0.

Johnson comes in to replace MAF. He is 7-2-1 against the Sharks, but you wouldn't know it because Heatley scores for the Sharks in like .2 seconds. Crosby lost it, Thorton took it. FML. (that's lime, not life because it's still the second)

4-0

Refs start ending plays while the puck is still good out of pity for Johnson. The official In-Game Blog starts writing shit like this:

"8:11: On a positive note, how about the stat showed by FSN? Mario Lemieux averaged 3.5 points per game against the Sharks with 17 goals and 32 assists in only 14 games."

There are more penalties and they are irrelevant, much like the rest of this period.

In intermission they're back to discussing uniforms. Of all the questions, Letang, Kennedy, Geno, some guy wants to know if the home team will go back to wearing white. Serious discussion of this important issue follows and the consensus is that they might. Glad that's settled and we can go back to drinking heavily.

McKee and Jody Shelley. McKee gets 19 penalty minutes. We're down to 4 defensemen for the next 12 minutes. It's 5-0 now and who the hell cares why. Later on it's The Hands and Shelley. Godard just wont go down. It is at this point that I start googling " shark" "dead shark" and "fuck sharks". The fruits of my labor:

No, Mr. Shark. I will not.

Not judging... It's a sport.


Much like all of Pens Nation.

So lets review some facts:
Gogo is a real man. He was tired and everybody said he wouldn't play, but he was like, talk to the hand, and put up more minutes than anyone else on the team: 26:47, bitches.

Geno skated today in a red no-contact jersey only because he likes the color because it reminds him of the motherland. "It felt great and I hope to come back soon." It could have been black, but he was just feeling festive.

We do not have to play this team again this year.



ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS:

3. Dupuis. Won the pre-game soccer match. Only winning done in this town.
2. McKee. Instigating. Love it.
1. Goligoski. 1/3 of the d-men down and he stepped up. 5 shots.

Bruins Tuesday.
Go Pens.