how did we manage this shit?

Just like the Penguins we blogged oh-so-faithfully about last season, and true to the beautiful unwritten laws of hockey, the way a game starts is starting to look increasingly irrelevant to the way that it ends.
However, this season it seems to be even more winning.
Presumably, this is how champions play.
We're still getting used to the idea of being champions. We believe, as a rule, that our team is always the best in the world, but we're not used to it being realized in public.
Stanley Cups change things. We should have known better.

MOST FLAGRANT WASTE OF 20 MINUTES
The first period was vomit. We presume it has something to do with the boys getting over the initial shock of the Ducks warmup unis.
Pens play like shit, somehow manage to outshoot the Ducks, but that's mainly due to the 4 inefficient power plays due to people like Glorious Bobby Ryan going all goaltender-interference on us and shit.
Scott Niedermayer and Corey Perry (you'll remember him as the gentleman Malks beat the shit out of for no apparent reason last season) make something happen.
1-0

Billy G goes insane for a minute. Hiller stands tall.

Really, like. . .nothing particularly BAD is happening, but you still want to kill yourself.
Four power plays in one period is insane, and the boys couldn't get ANYTHING going?
We understand that without Gonch you lose something invaluable on the PP: badassery, unwavering Russian confidence, Gonch-bombs from the blueline that have already pre-decided within an inch which part of the back of the net they want to hit.
And not having Malks at this point is perplexing: you lose one of the most determined individuals in the game, whose natural instincts for the game among players of his age are nigh unmatched. But really. . .Alex, Kris, your shots are pretty damn good. And Sid? Sid? This is what, your fifth NHL season? You know you're sick by now, right?
No reason why this PP should be so awful, regardless of injuries.
One one of the PP's, Ktang is all alone on the ice as everyone else congregates to one corner. He gets the set-up, hammers it on net. Hiller doesn't care and is too busy being Swiss.

THE MOMENT YOUR FAITH WAS RESTORED
The frustration of the first period is soon mitigated by the Pens actually getting a break. TK sets up Mike Rupp for a shot, which somehow makes it past Hiller.
He's so pissed off he has to adjust his pants in a sort of Petey-esque gesture.
Shenanigans ensue.
Our hardest workers are shining.
The game is tied.
1-1
Maybe. . .maybe?

LEAST NECESSARY SEX HAIR (BUT OH HOW WE MISS IT)
On a delayed penalty about halfway through the period, Kris proves to us that cutting his hair hasn't taken away his power. Just a really, really sick shot. If the French were firing that shit at the Swiss on a regular basis their trains wouldn't run on time.
Some in the arena could inexplicably hear the gentle hooves of unicorns galloping as the puck went in.
2-1

MOMENT YOU REALIZED WHY MALKIN WANTS COREY PERRY DEAD
Fuckkk
2-2

Period ends in a frenzy as the Ducks try to have sex with Fleury.
But we're not going to say we had a good feeling.

PERIOD YOU THOUGHT WOULD BE LESS EXCITING
For 8 minutes the third is blah. Just a lot of shit sort-of happening, but not enough for you to care.
Suddenly, someone on the blueline rips it.
Alex Goligoski = saving the team, second year in a row.
3-2 WOOOOO
But don't get out the celebration beer just yet, because we can't hold the lead for 20 seconds.
This is how we feel about Saku Koivu (courtesy of Jay McKee):
Before you can get used to the tie game, Pascal Dupuis is working up high with Orpik for whatever reason, and blasts one:
What happened to that glove hand, Jonas?
4-3
Deal with it.

HUGEST BALLS
Fleury and Sid share the hugest balls award tonight.
First, Fleury robs Koivu with the glove.
Then Crosby uses his thighs that defy the laws of physics to stack the pads in the crease and make a save on Niedermayer.
The Trib wrote an entire article about it, among other things.
Shit doesn't get any more fierce than that.
Time winds down.
It wasn't a hard-fought win or anything, but it could have gone either way.
Somehow we came out on top.
Defending champs will do that.
Suck it.

PENS WIN
4-3
HOLY BALLS WHOA MAN

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

MOST BEAUTIFUL
Washington, PA native George Parros.

THE REAL FIRST STAR THAT WE'RE SORT OF NOT PISSED ABOUT
Corey Perry was everywhere; if the Honda Center hadn't been homers about making him #1 star we probably would have called them pussies.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Alex Goligoski - What a player.
2. Tyler Kennedy - Welcome home, Mr. President.
3. Brooks Orpik - 2A and almost got kicked out of the game for being too manly.

So, you see.
We're fucking awesome.
What a game.