you were scared, but. . .

There was no reason for you to be.
There might have been something in the air, a sour tang you could smell, like electrical tension, like a potential nuclear disaster.
But the Penguins didn't let it happen, somehow.
Real hockey was played in Pittsburgh last evening.
It deserves to be recognized. We were saved from certain doom.

MOST CREEPY OBSESSIONS WITH TWINS
The Pittsburgh Media.
Before the game even starts, Potash is in the locker room, all like SO HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT GOING UP AGAINST TWINS.
You could have played a Sedins Are Brothers drinking game but you probably would have ended up gasping faintly in an ICU for the rest of your life. No but really. They're twins. DID YOU KNOW.

They know.

WORST OMENS

Jimerson doesn't come out for the anthem, and your life takes a turn for the worse. What could happen next?

BEST DESCRIPTIONS BY BOB ERREY TO GET YOU THROUGH THE PERIOD
Ryan Kesler is "huge." Let's examine:

. . .okay, Bob, we'll give you that one.
Roberto Luongo is a "polar bear."

. . .suuuuuuuuuuure. Polar Bear. We get it? We think?

Adams and Bieksa fought. Yawn

Canucks, meanwhile, have a million giveaways and nothing happens. It's just another occasion to talk about the Sedins and to mention Luc Bourdon because we haven't cried enough this week.
Steigerwald is all: BELIEVE IT OR NOT HENRIK IS 6'2" AND DANIEL IS 6'1" SO THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO.
Thanks, Paul. Thanks a lot.

BEST PENALTY
Sid slips the referees $20 each and a gift certificate to Century III Mall so they'll call him for holding the stick. Obviously.
Out of the box, Sid gets the puck and opens up Luongo like a new bag of Veggie Crisps.


Between the blocker and the pad, haaaay.
GOLD MEDALS HRRRRR
1-0 Pens.

Everyone is happy. Max has his war face on:


PENALTY THAT IS CLEARLY RIVALING THE BEST PENALTY
Mike Rupp decides to be a cannibal and attack people. "Boards" Dan Hamhuis for being a cunt.
Canucks have a million chances. Talbot gets like his third 2 on 1 with Matt Cooke or something.
Shoots, gets it back, brings it back around for the. . .wraparound?
Oh, Roberto.

Again, everyone is happy. Their faces betray a joy that could be crushed at any moment. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH THIS LEAD.

This is especially funny because it happened due to an egregious missed chance on an open net by a Sedin. OoOOOOH.

LEAST EXPECTED HAPPINESS
Canucks make another hilarious giveaway and Malkin and Asham go to the net.
Asham got a stick on it. But Malkin saw it go in and was flipping shit like it was his birthday.

3-0 Pens. Okay. brb.

WORST
5 seconds later Hamhuis is the Worst Person.
But it doesn't matter. It matters so little. So little that there are no pictures.

LOLEST

When Roberto fell down. lolololol. You know, the one time when it was the funniest because he did it a lot.

MOST MOMENTS OF BEING KEPT IN THIS

Marc-Andre was Solid.
The Canucks defend an empty net with vengeance, but it's not the same as fucking winning, is it?
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
PENS WIN.
3-1
ALL RIGHT

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS
DESERVED AT LEAST A POINT

Poor Malks had his assist taken away. So Sad.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Matt Cooke - for ruining people's lives, and 1 assist.
2. Brooks Orpik and KTang - for 5 blocked shots each
3. Chris Conner

Is 5'8" and has more hustle than you.

Things got good.
We're debuting a new PH Activity soon. Get excited.

Go Pens.