Hockey is a long season.
Might as well get pissed early and be baptized in fire.
You hadn't heard of Sergei Bobrovsky before tonight because he actually spent all of his life until this morning living in the wilderness and had never worn skates before and is now a prodigy among mere men.
We should have seen this as an omen.
Sergei Bobrovsky is just living proof that the Jean-Jacques Rousseau model of child-rearing is as pure as we will ever achieve in life.
In solitude, among the woodland creatures, real talent is born.
Consider this your first glimpse at a universe that is dirty, bloody, loveless, and hanging on by a thread. Instead of Huxley's Brave New World, this is Ape and Essence. We are being destroyed by lower primates. We must claw our own ways up out of the ashes, out of the mud and the graves.
The old has been made new. The stale has been made fresh.
Pick the pieces of raw muscle out of your teeth. It's time to move on.
The Penguins had their own red carpet tonight. They thought they were special, but we have our own. Let's roll it out, boys.
WORST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED
That picture above might have been the only time you saw Mario tonight, because Versus was busy showing some assholes from Canada playing music that we muted because we didn't care. Also, faces of tweens.
It hasn't been adequately explained what any of this had to with hockey. But okay.
LEAST IMPORTANT FACEOFFS
MIKE RICHARDS IS NOT IN THIS PHOTOGRAPH CONSPIRACY
This one was marginally more important but not really.
The first period was a festival of the Penguins being awesome.
Every little defensive move by Paul Martin was a heroic protection of Curry and country.
Fleury is aggressive and is handling the puck like a hero, making passes to his teammates and genius poke checks.
There was a Shift from Heaven manned by Tangradi, Letestu, and Dupuis that you all remember, the ladies especially, because the fury of the zygotes in your tummies is making you nauseous.
By the time the first was over, you could feel the goal. It was coming and it would be very soon. All we had to do was keep working and it would pay off.
BEST EFFORT BY A DEAD PERSON THIS EVENING
We don't have any pictures of Briere's goal because the press apparently didn't care enough.
Instead here is a picture of Briere's car from that accident he was in. Consider it a visual representation of how we felt when that happened.
LEAST PROMISING APPEARANCE OF BETTMAN THIS SEASON
Jody Shelley acted like himself and got penalized. There was a huge PP. Nothing happened.
The Flyers are getting tons of quality chances and failing at them, meanwhile we are in Bobrovsky's mouth and he's just jizzing all over us.
Penalties keep happening. Versus doesn't have the wherewithal to actually tell us what they were for.
Things are bad. Things are very bad. The Pens do some beast PK and then just. . .
Blair Betts. 2-0.
No hope can be salvaged before the end of the period and you are all "brb cutting Bobrovsky's balls off and raping him with the goal post"
Versus at intermission starts blaming our power play on the loss of Gonchar in the offseason. You are so blown away by the accurate, intelligent take on the game that your heart, soul, and mind explode all over the room.
MOST REDEMPTION TO BE FOUND IN THIS POSTAPOCALYPTIC UNIVERSE
When, early in the third, Paul Martin goes deep and gets the puck to Tyler Kennedy in his sweet spot on the goal line.
Bobrovsky could not have predicted this even with his wilderness mentality.
There are no available photos so here is Crosby mounting Timonen much like our very own Kimberly once mounted nature.
MOST ACTION-PACKED COUPLE OF SECONDS EVER
Tanger does something retarded and Giroux smokes us all like Romeo y Julietas.
Did we mention it was shorthanded and he celebrated like this.
Immediately afterwards, the Pens manage to get it back when the stars align and Bobrovsky can't see shit. Goligoski deflects a Michalek shot. It's 3-2. The house is being brought down. We are still in this. No one photographs anything that happens.
THE MOMENT IT CAME THAT SOMETHING WOULD HAVE TO BE PROVED
When the clock hit 0.0, we didn't come back with an amazing last-minute tying goal, we didn't coast in on talent and ride the wave til the end.
82 game season, people.
Lessons will be learned, and as you might remember: we don't win them all.
LOST BRADY WITH AN ALCOHOL PROBLEM
CAM WARD MEMORIAL TROPHY
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Sidney Crosby
2. Eric Tangradi
Let the big dog eat.
3. This tattoo
Until next time. . .
HAIR LEAGUE UPDATE
Check out the sidebar. The banner link in the little Hair League box now leads to a page where we will update points and shit.
Check out the Pens website. Tyler Kennedy is already earning.
The first points stuff will go up tomorrow/over the weekend. Will post when it is ready.
Tonight wasn't perfect.
But we have a good feeling.