There really isn't a wide variety of information that you need to know about last night.
The Pens came out swinging and managed to hang on for the first win of the season. It's still depressingly early. Philadelphia is leading the division. This is, in fact, our fault.
Some hyper-quick awards for yinz. They are from Jersey so try to wipe of the sludge so you can read the plaques:
BEST FIRST SHIFT THAT DIDN'T AMOUNT TO ANYTHING
Right out of the gate, Sid wins the faceoff forward to himself and tries to score on Brodeur. The puck is caught in a giant tidal pool of pig grease emanating off of Brodeur, which presents general problems for everyone. Neither Sid nor Evs had a point in this game. If they keep all of their awesome bottled up like this they are likely to explode and accidentally distribute it to people who can't handle it. Sid is setting people up from his ass, drawing penalties, being amazing, but we don't have the goal. Yet.
BEST WAY TO PISS OFF OUR DEFENSE
Devils keep booing Paul Martin for some reason.
Tangradi, Letestu, and Martin spend an entire shift riding the bacon fat express in Brodeur's mouth.
Goligoski ruins Kovalchuk's life ends up at the top of the left circle with some idiot between him and Fatass.
Beats him cleanly, or as cleanly as possible considering the circumstances.
WHEN THE GLYCOLIPIDS BECAME A PROBLEM
Early in the second on the PP, Tang shoots a puck. This puck has an amazing journey between Tang's stick blade and the back of the net. Through the general rendered filth around Uncle Dad it came to the conclusion that it needed to be near Mark Letestu before it decided to go in.
It's a love story. But not for Brodeur and his oil slick. 2-0
MOST NEED FOR CZECHS
Michalek got hurt.
We demand the hockey gods to return him.
That is all.
MOST SURPRISING DEFENSE
Somehow Kovalchuk thwarts major shorthanded chances by Talbot and Dupuis.
He was channeling someone.
We don't know who.
We wanna say the Stasi.
Light deprivation in prison.
We're already a little bit pregnant via the future from Talbot's shorthanded breakaway goal this season.
The sex we all ended up having with Brent Johnson.
These photos are from the second period, but they accurately reflect the journey we went on with Beej.
It was so good that even that stupid Elias goal didn't stop the jungle beats.
Something in the solemnity of this moment. . .
LEAST FAITH/MOST FEAR/MOST BRIDGE-JUMPING
After the Elias goal, Steigerwald is beside himself waiting for the Pens to give up the next one. Everyone recognizes this possibility, but if that possibility weren't there, why would we even play hockey?
It's the little moments that turn a game.
It's survivor mode.
Brent adjusts himself and digs in for round two.
Meanwhile, Paul Martin decides he doesn't want the game to go on for even a couple more seconds. He needs to go to the locker room and polish his pimp cane:
Hello there, babycakes.
Certain demons can't get across the river to Jersey.
MOST LIKELY TO NEED A GOOD DABBING OFF WITH A PAPER TOWEL
LOOK WHO GOT PAID A BAJILLION DOLLARS TO SUCK DICKS
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Paul Martin again. Again, beast.
2. Eric Tangradi - because his daddy was watching him
3. Alex Goligoski - getting his confidence back.
CALL TO ARMS
We need a little bit of help with the Hair League.
We have the Beej interview with Potash after the game. Anything else?