I'm so fucking over the Hawks it's ridic. I also have a Real Life and do not plan to spend another minute of it looking at Patrick Kane's fugly face. So, on the level, nobody here at PH watched this game. Without further ado, I present to you a photo montage of what I choose to believe happened during this totally irrelevant preseason game.
We all heard/were tortured with endless tweets about the salary shitticaine that the Hawks careened into this summer. At no point was I surprised when Bowman sent this on the ice:
Skill players. Seabs, is that you?
Uhhhh, Max.... Quit it. OK, don't. I love it, actually.
Game started like this:
Then Q was all,
And Max was like,
Dustin Jeffrey did things that made Zoe almost forget that he's an asshole. Almost. It was 2-0 and Captain Serious got all, "Shit, shit, fire ze missiles!"
Bombs were dropped, but Engelland was all over it.
Seabrook continued to be pretty enough for Max's taste.
And we all know Max has taste.
Third started like this:
That's Johnson. Nick Johnson.
And ended like this:
Boom. 4-1, bitches.
Alternative Three Stars are currently somewhere on this woman's face.
Hawks Fail 2.0 tomorrow. I may boycott it, too.