IN WHICH THE DUCK MEETS THE DRUG PEDDLING ELK: A One-Act Stage Play
Once again, we present to you a one-act stage play, which we encourage be acted out with friends while doing some heavy sorrow-drinking. Dwayne Roloson reappears in his role as the duck, with guest star Nate Thompson as the elk.
Pittsburgh is a metaphysical playland again, but not in such a happy way.
Scene 1
We see a familiar pool at center ice. A duck floats upon it and an elk drinks, seemingly innocent, at its banks.
DWAYNE ROLOSON
Quack?
NATE THOMPSON
Never you mind my friend. Just watch and see.
The PITTSBURGH PENGUINS step onto the ice as the pool freezes over once again. ROLOSON gets into position, staring down MARC-ANDRE FLEURY from across the ice. THOMPSON scrambles across the ice to get to his station. Elks aren't good with ice.
MAX TALBOT
You gonna be okay down here, Flower?
MARC-ANDRE FLEURY
Yes. You promised juiceboxes.
MAX TALBOT
I did?
MARC-ANDRE FLEURY
What?!
NATE THOMPSON
Woooo! Do you see there, my duck friend? You just wait until their guard is down. Brewer had some of my muffins this morning. Do you...do you like muffins?
DWAYNE ROLOSON
Quack.
Suddenly, it looks like someone has done a charity event to let the special kids put on some Bolts gear and skate around on the ice.
DWAYNE ROLOSON
Quack?
NATE THOMPSON
Yes, good question. The special child also had a muffin. Would YOU like a muffin?
DWAYNE ROLOSON
Quack...
NATE THOMPSON
Let me show you what muffins can do for me.
DWAYNE ROLOSON
QUACK!
NATE THOMPSON
That's what I thought...
MAX TALBOT
What the shit are those animals doing on the ice?
MATTIAS OHLUND
LOL pay attention, we're floating
Scene Two.
ROLOSON nibbles at his muffin he got from the mysterious elk. It tastes kind of gritty and full of pill matter, but he is a duck so he doesn't notice. He is just happy to have bread. A feeling washes over him; he stands on his head, in a duck display of delight.
BROOKS ORPIK
Wait, what?!
MARK LETESTU
Seriously, what?!
MAX TALBOT
Can someone please seriously tell me why there are animals on the ice?
DWAYNE ROLOSON
...Quack...
CRAIG ADAMS
Good job, Max! What to distract 'em!
MAX TALBOT
But seriously guys, what the fuck?
PITTSBURGH PENGUINS TEAM
Maaaaxxxxx!
MAX TALBOT
What?!
BROOKS ORPIK
Come on man, stop distracting us. You're being crazy. Now I have to go get this fucker.
MAX TALBOT
But guys, there is a fucking elk and a duck right there.
The ice goes dark as the teams leave to the runways. TALBOT hangs his head as he stands in a spotlight, delivering a monologue everyone misses because they were out getting nachos.
Scene 3
The lights go on over the ice as both teams take their place. ROLOSON is twitching in his net, quacking at random.
BROOKS ORPIK
Guys, maybe we should actually pay attention to max.
TYLER KENNEDY
Hahahaha, nice.
BROOKS ORPIK
No, I mean, look at what is happening. Something is right here. I found a feather in my breezers between periods.
JORDAN STAAL
Seriously, nothing can get into that net, either. But there's gotta be a logical-
MAX TALBOT
IT IS A FUCKING ELK, RIGHT THERE, ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
OHLUND skates up to the net as everyone on the PENGUINS looks over to investigate. The team sees him pick up a muffin as a duck quacks in the distance. OHLUND bites the muffin and immediately taps the puck into the net. 
BROOKS ORPIK
Holy shit, Max was right.
NATE THOMPSON
Alright, boys! Let's go get high in Tampa!
KRIS LETANG
Guys, it's a fucking elk, do you see it? It's ri-
JORDAN STAAL
WE KNOW, TANGER.
MAX TALBOT
Guys, I told you this entire time.
BROOKS ORPIK
Shut up, Max. At least now we know. And if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, I can eat it alive while it's ducklings watch like a duck. Let's go to Tampa.
MAX TALBOT
I hate all of you.
THE END
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