Once again, we present to you a one-act stage play, which we encourage be acted out with friends while doing some heavy sorrow-drinking. Dwayne Roloson reappears in his role as the duck, with guest star Nate Thompson as the elk.
Pittsburgh is a metaphysical playland again, but not in such a happy way.
We see a familiar pool at center ice. A duck floats upon it and an elk drinks, seemingly innocent, at its banks.
Never you mind my friend. Just watch and see.
The PITTSBURGH PENGUINS step onto the ice as the pool freezes over once again. ROLOSON gets into position, staring down MARC-ANDRE FLEURY from across the ice. THOMPSON scrambles across the ice to get to his station. Elks aren't good with ice.
You gonna be okay down here, Flower?
Yes. You promised juiceboxes.
Woooo! Do you see there, my duck friend? You just wait until their guard is down. Brewer had some of my muffins this morning. Do you...do you like muffins?
Suddenly, it looks like someone has done a charity event to let the special kids put on some Bolts gear and skate around on the ice.
Yes, good question. The special child also had a muffin. Would YOU like a muffin?
Let me show you what muffins can do for me.
That's what I thought...
What the shit are those animals doing on the ice?
LOL pay attention, we're floating
ROLOSON nibbles at his muffin he got from the mysterious elk. It tastes kind of gritty and full of pill matter, but he is a duck so he doesn't notice. He is just happy to have bread. A feeling washes over him; he stands on his head, in a duck display of delight.
Can someone please seriously tell me why there are animals on the ice?
Good job, Max! What to distract 'em!
But seriously guys, what the fuck?
PITTSBURGH PENGUINS TEAM
Come on man, stop distracting us. You're being crazy. Now I have to go get this fucker.
But guys, there is a fucking elk and a duck right there.
The ice goes dark as the teams leave to the runways. TALBOT hangs his head as he stands in a spotlight, delivering a monologue everyone misses because they were out getting nachos.
The lights go on over the ice as both teams take their place. ROLOSON is twitching in his net, quacking at random.
Guys, maybe we should actually pay attention to max.
No, I mean, look at what is happening. Something is right here. I found a feather in my breezers between periods.
Seriously, nothing can get into that net, either. But there's gotta be a logical-
IT IS A FUCKING ELK, RIGHT THERE, ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
OHLUND skates up to the net as everyone on the PENGUINS looks over to investigate. The team sees him pick up a muffin as a duck quacks in the distance. OHLUND bites the muffin and immediately taps the puck into the net.
Holy shit, Max was right.
Alright, boys! Let's go get high in Tampa!
Guys, it's a fucking elk, do you see it? It's ri-
WE KNOW, TANGER.
Guys, I told you this entire time.
Shut up, Max. At least now we know. And if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, I can eat it alive while it's ducklings watch like a duck. Let's go to Tampa.
I hate all of you.
I believe Orpik's duck line was an exact quote that he has used, and meant, many times. Now that our heroes know the truth, obviously they can, and must, get the elk, the duck, and the rest of that menagerie where they live.
Simply beautiful. Thank you for this truthful and artistic rendering of the game. Why did I wait until Sunday to read this?
I'm enjoying this theatrical experiences and I'm planning to do as instructed and play them under the influence of some good whisky! BRAVO to this and lets have some duck for dinner on monday.
side note: that Lehair play that lead to the second( i think, my memory sucks) goal was brutal to watch
i'm convinced that is an accurate record of events during this game. Paul Martin definitely was also quietly staring at the elk and duck.