a sabre to the heart, hahahaaaa.
Look, we all work hard for our weekends. Don't let this loss put a black cloud over it.
Don't get me wrong. Every game matters. Every period is important. Each point could one day mean the difference between home ice or enemy territory. But losing doesn't always mean you aren't getting closer to your goal.
The beginning of the season is all about growing pains. It takes time to figure out what works. We need to find a rhythm.
THE ULTIMATE SCORE
The first period starts mildly European-y, meaning nothing is happening. Staal's attention span is about as short as ours, so eventually he gets a little fidget. He convinces Kunitz to come join his revolt, and they end up fighting The Man two against one. As always, the institution isn't very accepting of sedition, so they shut it down.
Next, Ben Lovejoy makes our hearts skip a beat as he steps in on a would-have been goal setup pass for the Sabres.
Everything is looking pretty good, until this Gerbe fellow decides to orchistrate a series of events that ends with KTang in the net. Gerbe can't tell us he didn't like it.
Unfortunately he also like when the goal was called.
0-1
THE HOT AND FRESH AWARD
The Penguins dish up the flakiest, buttery-est, most delicious turnover the Sabres have ever eaten.
And just like that, your IC Lite Mango tastes like tears.
0-2
WE PAUSE THIS PROGRAM TO MENTION
HOLY SHIT IC LIGHT MANGO
Now, we here at PH moolight as many things, and amateur beer snobs is one of those things. But everyone's gotta have their hipster cheap ass beer. Unfortunately, many years of living in Philadelphia had me stuck in the lands of PBR and Colt 45. But now that I'm back in the Burgh, when the purse strings are tight, we drink Iron City. It's so unbelievably bad that you could almost sell it to people for $8 a glass, claiming it's some sort of microbrew miracle. It's exotically bad. The ass end taste reminds you, however, that you are waiting until December to turn the gas on so you don't have to pay a $5 service fee every month.
IC Light Mango somehow covers up that taste with corn syrup and magic. It has the taste of something that's about to be discontinued because it's way too good to be true. $20 for 24 bottles? Say what you will, but this is a new favorite here at HQ.
CERTIFIED CHAMPION
Not much happens in the second period before something amazing comes our way. That something amazing was in the form of James Neal, as it so often is these days. He got it in off of Regehr, like a true pimp.
Be still our beating hearts. 
Gaustad gets a little pissed off about the face that James Neal told him he couldn't go to the dance with him because he already told Tiffany he'd go, so he goes on a rampage. Three consecutive shots against MAF. Brick walls don't sweat.
THE MOMENT YOU SMELLED REDEMPTION BUT IT TURNED OUT YOU JUST NEEDED A SHOWER
A series of really unbelievable chances comes to the Pens. There's a 2-on-1 you swear is the answer. Then Cooke almost has it in. The fans are freaking out, it's the exact atmosphere of a place where shit is getting done. Unfortunately, nothing gets done.
Eventually the Sabres get a leg up. They haven't been doing so hot on the PP thus far this season, so we're all hoping for a shortie, but it doesn't come.
Maybe it's time to get out the jersey you haven't washed since the Cup, but then again, it's only October...
Teaches you to even think that phrase. The second period ends 2-1.
THE SQUINTING AWARD
Did you know that Jordan Staal gets robbed more than any other former citizen of Thunder Bay? Enroth commits grand larceny on a beautiful move by Jordy.
If you look at it in different lights, he can be scornful, confused, or just high.
In this context, we like to say he is scornful.
THE MOMENT YOU WISHED YOU WERE ON GOD'S BETTER SIDE
Stafford breaks our hearts by getting off the perfect shot. The way the puck flew in looked like all of our broken dreams.
Maybe if we all prayed a little harder we wouldn't be in this place.
Get Santa on the horn. We need him to call in some favors with Jesus for us right now.
(That is how it works, right?)
3-1
THE ONE MAN SHOW AWARD 
Enroth is sick for the rest of the period. He falters once, to let Jordy get one in during the assault being launched against him.
Which was pretty sick, we have to be honest:
3-2
Unfortunately, he held it down for the rest of the period, leaving us one short of a tie at the final buzzer.
INDIVIDUAL AWARD:
DREAMIEST
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Ben Lovejoy
Second in line for Dreamiest, too.
2. Jordan Staal
Total tradebait amirite.
3. MAF
Coulda been a lot worse without him.
Enjoy your Sunday. Relax. Take pleasure in knowing that we have months on end of hockey in front of us, and after that, the Stanley Cup. Because as we all know, we're never losing again.
Go Pens.
