Seriously, when we said that we knew this game was going to be less of a perfection show than the last, we had no real idea what we were saying. I still think it was correct - this wasn't pedigree, this was just a crazy blowout. This was sticking it to someone. This was making a statement.
We have to ask the Islanders: What the hell happened out there?
How can we make it keep happening forever and always?
MOMENT(S) YOU KNEW YOU WERE IN FOR A GOOD SATURDAY
Maf was on FIRE from the get go.
In the first ten minutes we get amazing toe saves, way-out challenging, and good old staying close to the posts goaltending, all exactly where we needed it. Flower was READY.
When your goalie is that on, you just pray that your team follows suit and doesn't leave him hanging.
LEAST GUILTY OF LETTING MAF HANG
The entire team, really.
But mostly the moment you knew that this wasn't going to be an all-goalie game was when Kunitz lasered one into the Lightning net with intensity usually reserved for individuals enacting revenge on the murderer of their wife and/or child.
Also, let's stop this "Bolts" nonsense.
You picked a name.
Get over it.
THE SHORTEST 50 SECONDS
It's almost inconceivable that 50 seconds has come and gone when you ONCE AGAIN have to start screaming again. You'd barely just stopped, god damnit.
Cookie throws it in top shelf when we are hardly looking at the screen.
He isn't showing those happy teeth because he's thinking "man I hope someone else doesn't steal this glory in the next 50 seconds."
MOMENT YOU MADE EVERYONE IN THE ROOM SHUT UP BECAUSE YOU KNEW SOMETHING IMPORTANT WAS HAPPENING
There comes a time in games like this where it becomes clear that we are on some sort of "roll."
This is when you stop browsing your text messages between plays, ignore that you haven't downloaded today's free app from the app store (some boring parking game today anyway, screw it) and advise your cat that the safest place to sit for the next few hours may not be your lap.
If I were at this game live I think I'd have demanded a paycheck for all of the jumping I had to do for the good of the team.
Anyway, back to the point.
Jordan Staal nabs himself an unassisted shorty on a breakaway from the gods.
This is superstar stuff, people.
This is what Max Talbot's wet dreams are made of.
When something like this happens, you hold the phones.
That face says it all.
That face says "I had your sister when she was still good."
That face says "I'll tell your wife you said hello after the game."
Everything a face can say about banging a female member of another man's family, that face says.
Even WE'RE kind of afraid.
WEIRDEST REOCCURING PHOTOGRAPHY THEME
This photo is slightly different than the other.
Let's see if you can spot the differences!
Yes, taken on different nights, these are in fact not the same photos or even from the same group of photos.
So is this the new thing?
Do we get one of these every game?
We're kind of distubed.
So you remember the MAF show at the beginning of the first?
Well, if you don't, or if you were out buying nachos and beer, it's here again.
You watch another glorious ten minutes pass as MAF couldn't possibly be hotter.
WORST DAY EVER
Once the team remembers that it's safe to do things other than watch MAF and wistfully think of the days they could have chosen to be a goalie - oh! the glory - they get back to doing what they do best, which is apparently making Roloson look like a drunk kitten trying to guard his poorly marked territory.
Roloson would seriously have had a better time getting some Fayette County hookers today.
PLAYER WHO HAD TOO MANY GOALS TO CELEBRATE INDIVIDUALLY
The media didn't even pretend to care about the first Malkin goal, which was beautiful and geometrically unpresidented.
We'll celebrate the gloriousness that is Malkin, but we can wait a second, because he is a reoccuring character in this little number.
THROAT YOU'D MOST LIKE TO PUNCH
Months from now, weeks, maybe even days from now the world will forget what a horrible thing you did here, robbing a man of a most-deserved shutout, trying to pretend your team had a shred of dignity left in it.
I am here today to let you know that we don't forget.
Consider this a grudge.
THE "PANTIES OFF TO YOU" AWARD
Malks gets two more goals - neither make it look too easy to do what he does, but that's the great thing about it - we get to see how hard he wanted it.
CHERRY ON TOP
Dupes gets the last word to make it 8-1.
Media has too much semen in its eyes; misses it entirely.
BEST SHAKEN SPIRIT/CHEAPEST SEATS
While the Pens typically deal with loss through puns and introspection, the Lighting website showed a different way of dealing with things.
LIGHTNING 1 PENS 8, POST GAME
Quickly burried by stories about upcoming games, all ominously placed under an advertisment advertising "all you can eat seats, $35."
We'd weep for them. If we cared enough.
ALT THREE STARS
1. Photographer in charge of those Malkin shots. What is in your mind, sir or madam? Do you think you have finally found your niche?
We find it fascinating.
2. Fans attending this game. We salute your services and hope you found time to drink your beer between all of the jumping out of your seats.
3. Sidney Crosby. For making us able to laugh at other people and say "And that's just us WITHOUT Sid!!!"
Let's do this again real soon.