This photo sums up how unnatural the All Star Games are.
The worst offense of the whole thing is the skills competition, where we are forced to remember that these guys are basically still high school athletes with really terrible senses of humor and an attachment to fad technology that rivals that of ten year old girl.
Looking at this photo makes me feel like the terrorists have won.
Anyway, let's look at the "highlights."
Zdeno won the hardest shot with 108.8 mph. We're not impressed so much as concerned about how he plans to get it up to 110 mph next year. YOU CAN'T KEEP SHOCKING US, MR. CHARA. This is how steroid use starts.
Also note the guest star creeper of that photo.
In the words of Luke Adam -
@LukeJAdam: Wow. 108?? Unhuman.. that's rediculas. Real pleased with 98.3 hah surprised myself
PKane won the breakaway challenge, which is judged solely on how many beers the fans of a specific player can shotgun before the challenge.
GLUGLGLUGGLUG YEAHHHH MANNNN HE GOT A CAPEEEEEE.
THIS IS CRAZZZZYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!
Jamie Benn won it for accuracy, but we've polled the people and no one could possibly find it within themselves to care any less than they already do.
So here's this breaking news instead:
The fastest boy in all the lands was Hagelin, because he works in league with a Staal.
The Staals are known for their ability to teach others in the way of quickness, due to the frequent raids they faced from the Sod Demons as children. At a young age Staal boys must learn to run like the wind as to not face the tragic fate of those caught by the Demons. Hagelin benefited from learning the fear-based tactic. Staal brothers themselves refuse to waste energy on such tomfoolery, for they know that their energy is needed for far more important things.
This was the last time we ever saw old Uncle Dusty.
Team Alfredsson really came out ahead of all of this nonsense. If you were having a drinking competition with your friends over this, then maybe you enjoyed it all more than a root canal. We aren't saying they are entirely unenjoyable - I mean, hey, during dental procedures you get put into twilight, which is great - but it's still an overall loss for everyone.
I guess in that frame of thought you can think of the revenue earned by the NHL as the lack of debilitating gum disease you reap from that root canal.
Speaking of things we are obliged by coolness to pretend to hate, next year the ASG is in beautiful COLUMBUS OHIO.
We are so trying to get there and give you FIRST HAND COVERAGE.
LOL PRETENDING COLUMBUS HAS A SKYLINE.
Oh man, this is going to be great.
We're already super excited.
We'll be back REAL SOON to report on the ASG.
P.S. Crosby injured his neck, but it already healed. So...uhhh...that's where we're at with Crosby news these days. Up next week: Crosby had a cold sore two weeks ago; healed Thursday. No word on concussion symptoms.