We're starting a new month, bitches. Against the Sabres, of all people. Ew.
And the coaching staff has scratched Joe Vitale without our permission.
OTHER THINGS THAT ARE UNACCEPTABLE: Jaromir Jagr traded to the Bruins. Can't wait to be at that game and fuck some people up.
More acceptable things: Brooksie has played 622 games, the most of any Penguins defenseman of all time. Hot damn excuse us.
NEW FAVORITE SITCOM
It's called Gene and Jarome Take the Hill and it's Evgeni's first shift with Iginla this game which is basically flawless.
Unfortunately we also have to deal with Tyler's Ponies: Las Vegas in the next time slot. But Iginla wants Ryan Miller as a Very Special Guest Star on the serious episode where someone loses their virginity or runs away from boarding school to get married like Jo on The Facts of Life.
And Malkin almost fed Engelland on some kind of Jesus play. It's going to be a good night on television.
The Sabres take a penalty but it's only because they love us.
And another for good measure. Guess Morrow must have bled on the Weber bullshit because it's four minutes. LEAST LOVE
Jarome Iginla's stick breaks on the point on the extended PP. Someone whose name we don't know breaks Koun's shutout streak immediately afterwards, Niskanen obtains possession and just gives a blind drop pass right to the Sabre stranger bitch. His name might be Porter. We know for sure he has never before scored in the NHL. SHIT.
Shorthanded stranger bitch goal no less.
But we'll get love back. we hope.
Ryan Miller looks catlike in his concentration. This could be the longest night. TK is our first line center, guys.
MOMENT YOU WERE DELIVERED FROM EVIL BY THE GODS OF CANADA
Power play time is winding down. Penguins playing catch and battling hard behind the net. Malkin to Kunitz to a nice little fake to. . .cross crease to Jarome. Miller isn't looking so hot anymore, because he just got schooled by Chris Kunitz (of all people IKR) and Iggy has a wide open net. hahahahah oh man we are so cocky everyone hates us can you feel the hate
MOMENT THE GODS OF CANADA SENT YOU A FLAMING BAG OF SHIT
steve ott scored
No further comment.
In the words of Kim: "we can always kill ourselves."
Accurate. Period ends, 2-1.
BEST MOMENT FOR CRACKING AN EXTRA BEER
Early second period Cody Hodgson schools Vokoun on a wraparound. oh okay sure thing cody you do that. Then Porter forces us to know his name, Voldemort style.
It's 4-1, and an injured warrior saddles up.
MAF's first action since getting messed up by TK/Gionta. Comes out early to challenge a shot.
Engo took a penalty. Killed-ish. Except then we just took another penalty (imagine that). But MAF is all over everyone's balls.
Just when you thought you were out of the woods, the Pens took another penalty. So we're fucked is what we're saying.
It would be nice to get a goal before the horn but Douglas Murray is leading a rush with like 30 seconds left, so. Yeah no.
Speaking of Murry the Pens apparently have 3 shots in the second period. Um.
SHORTEST STAY IN PURGATORY
James takes a retaliatory interference penalty to start the third. Killed by the grace of MAF. But. . .what's this after the TV timeout? Another penalty?
Really not sure what we're supposed to think at this point except fall on the ground and prostrate ourselves towards the Sun in thanks that MAF is well enough to do this right now.
Pens did get a PP but it's a mess.
Story of the game is Porter almost getting a hattie. Trying not to curse himself.
Nothing else to say. We were never gonna have that one back. Fifteen, ladies and gents. Adieu.
Pens lose 4-1
INDIVIDUAL AWARDS NEVER SAW IT COMING
Bobby and Steiggy. Thought they were going to see a much different moment tonight, you can tell. They're homers but they can be beautiful homers (mostly referring to Bobby here). They unfortunately had to witness the moment that the glass slipper shattered.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Iggy because duh. This is a Penguins blog. We were so happy to see him score.
2. The inevitable shitstorm that is going to happen when I start tagging these posts. PLEASE BE KIND, PSEUDO-REDDIT AKA TUMBLR BITCHES WE'RE ANCIENT AND DON'T UNDERSTAND THE INTERNET. think of us like your grandma
3. nathan gerbe
Cooke let him live.
does our inaugural tumblr post please you
well, kind of our inagural Tumblr post. We're sorry we don't know what has just happened.