I am recapping on the fly tonight because the Penguins are the only thing in the world that could possibly excite me the night before a 7AM dentist appointment.
I won't be sticking around for the press to post their pics so you're just going to have to deal. I'm sure Canada covered all of their photos in semen so I don't want to show you anything too lo-res/stained anyway.
Steiggy, Bob, please see me through this mess.
SURE THING ZOË
Pregame ceremonies--who are we even playing again?
Apparently the season intro is some kind of weird take on the Matrix or a computer. We didn't understand it.
During player intros everyone's signature was written on the ice in lasers. Holy god. Shaking and crying. They are in a circle because they are a circle of love.
But when the puck drops the Leafs obviously are mad that we forgot about their dumb asses. PaulMart gave it away to Kessel early and it was terrifying.
LONGEST MARCH OF DEATH
Colton Orr and Deryk Engelland start killing each other. ORR'S HEAD SNAPPED BACK LIKE A PEZ DISPENSER said Bob Errey.
Just as the refs try to break it up they start actually murdering each other. Engo's hair flows in the slow-mo replay to rival Kris Letang.
He has an eye injury, we're all pregnant.
Is Eric Tangradi allowed to even skate on the same ice as Sidney Crosby.
Shit is obviously a lot calmer after the fight because this is allowed to happen exclusive of our everlasting vigilance.
Then Kunitz boards Komisarek. No one knows what is going on. PK is like a dream.
Then Tangradi has a pass to Gene while Gene is all alone and he fails.
Obviously the line with Joe Vitale and Craig Adams on it draws a penalty. Everyone else sucks.
WHEN GOD COMES HOME
Pens get a PP that is must-score or we look like assholes.
Just before the first PP unit would have slunk off, having done not enough, Sid hits Gene with a pass.
Oh sweet Jesus.
Reimer is helpless.
"Just shoot one timer"
Would that everything were as easy as you make it sound, Evgeni.
MOMENT IT WAS ALL FOR NAUGHT
Clarke MacArthur up your butt. Kulemin pushed Engo, Engelland knocked Fleury down. To be fair to the Leafs though they were flying and we had nothing.
Gary Glitter may be back with the Pens but something has yet to exorcise the demons.
Joe Vitale is our only hope. Seriously.
THE CAM WARD MEMORIAL TROPHY
REIMER WHAT THE FUCK
honorary mention to excessive passing by our boys in black
AND JAMES VAN RIEMSDYK YOU RAT BASTARD
we never liked you
AWARD FOR BRAVERY
After the Leafs put their sacs on our faces, we are dead in the water.
Sid bumped a puck down with his body and went off to the races.
Nasty-ass semi-breakaway. Five hole. You heard us scream in other galaxies. SID.
Followed by endless penalties including some 5 on 3 bullshit.
Engo is the first out of the box, comes out to clear the puck. Thank god. Redemption.
SHORTEST LIVED REDEMPTION
Pens are getting called for approximately everything.
Fleury is the only person who has yet to sully himself in this game. FINALLY IT IS KILLED but who knows what we even have left in the tank at this point. Please just don't board anyone.
MOST WATER REFERENCES
Bob Errey literally talked about Phil Kessel drinking water on the bench.
Guess Kessel didn't like it.
EVEN SHORTER LIVED REDEMPTION
Malkin with the giveaway of the year.
JVR buries another.
The Leafs are our biggest challenge yet. Guess the Atlantic sucks dicks now.
Finally someone calls Toronto for something, though. Maybe it was all worth it. Maybe.
APPARENTLY GIVING US FITS
Nikolai Kulemin who the fuq let you in here.
Leafs now lead the league all-time since 1897 in takeaways.
If JVR scores again we're unplugging the matrix and killing all of you.
PERIOD THAT MOST SMELLED LIKE DESTINY
not even touching this rn
by the end of the game sutter is on malkin's wing
Tangradi has not seen the ice since early 2nd. small victories.
Steiggy and Errey go on some rant about Randy Carlyle and all the mink coats he used to have including a mink stole. and how he had a special relationship with the security staff in the Civic Arena because of his mink stole? wtf is happening.
Oh by the way: New rule in the CBA says you can't touch Mike Komisarek.
Everyone is a dick.
Pens end the game with a too many men on the ice penalty, because it's really ironic, since they were playing most of the game with only 4 defensemen and 11 forwards (cc stoosh for that deet).
leafs win 5-2 on some trash goal that could have been avoided if someone had played hockey
Pretty sure the Pens have never won after a ceremony-night at CONSOL Energy Center.
Kinda ridiculous when you think about it.
But we'll be back on the horse soon.
Covered in mink.
PEOPLE WE LIKE
Rob King and Jay Caufield. You do you, guys.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Niskanen's hair
2. Joe Vitale. duh.
3. THE CONCEPT OF BOARDING
honorable mention to the sweat sheen on niskanen's perfect face.
we'll see you again soon after we wipe the stench of canada off of our bodies.