So the Penguins are in Toronto which is the kind of thing that usually gives us seizures.
Sid is in Air Canada Centre for the first time since 2010.
God, this could be either the most beautiful or the most ugly thing to ever happen.
LEAST TIME TAKEN TO GET READY FOR PROM
It has all the makings of a magical spring night.
Tomas is fixing MAF's hair before his date arrives.
Pens won an innocent looking faceoff really early on. Shot from the point was blocked. Somehow it came to Neal, who put on a routine shot.
And the room falls to a hush. It's possibly that Reimer's gown alteration has come back botched. But at least a few of us are ready for the dance early.
As the game starts settling in a bit, Reimer's glitz gown is fitting better and we begin asking ourselves idle questions.
Like why is Joey V scratched all the time?
It's easy to ask ourselves such spoiled questions. Sid takes a couple bloodthirsty shifts. A "GO LEAFS GO" chant gently tries to get started but fades away. Go. . .to where, Leafs? to where?
Well, not to the penalty box, because the Leafs manage to fool Beau into taking a silly penalty.
Leafs get a PP goal.
No photos of the goal exist yet for some reason. Probably in protest.
James van Riemsdyk, the Dutch Ghost
No idea why our PK is such dicks.
But another dark question for the Dark Question Books.
Pens skate out the Effigy Team for the PP but yet some asshole named Kotska still manages to put it over the glass. Of course no one scores on the 5 on 3. Of course the leafs keep being aggressive. Pens again look unprepared for a team that is actually going to get in their faces and prevent them from slow dancing with everyone's girlfriends.
TK gets power play time. God help us.
Everyone is apparently excited about the possibility of an Engelland-Orr fight when really we just want some vodka and some goals. (We are like Geno in this way.)
MOST PUNCH CONSUMED AT THE CONCESSION TABLE
Donations are being taken at the snacks and punch table for the local 4-H. Reimer can't get enough of that punch with the sherbet in it. Gets himself waaay off to one side of the net, but Sid is streaking down the wing and puts it basically into an empty net.
no idea why everyone lokos so enthused 2-1
Then Malkin starts some kind of insane rush. Paul Martin gets it to the net going kinda deep. Everyone thinks Beau put it in but really it was an own goal for the Leafs.
DUDE BRO GUNNARSSON WHY ARE YOU EVEN MAD BRO
Everyone adjourns for cookies to drown their sorrows.
But who is going to win the raffle drawing for the Ford Mustang?
MOST STOLEN PROM DATE
Sid is stolen from CBC for first intermission.
There's gonna be a fight in the parking lot for sure.
This is why we hate the Leafs.
Because they hate boats.
PH staff is all about boats.
Have the Leafs ever actually burned a boat? Let's be honest. Maybe Hal Gill.
MOST HORROR AFTER CALM
Dan Bylsma uses his timeout after an icing. We see this as a confidence move in a 3-1 hockey game. Not too confident. But a little. Leafs don't score on that sequence so we can uphold it as a good move.
Things start picking up for the Leafs, though. Crosby accidentally trips Kadri so this is about to be a hot mess.
Franson and JVR
Pens can't kill a fucking penalty.
MAF with an elite save a few sequences later to keep the Pens in it.
MOMENTS THAT CANCELLED EACH OTHER OUT
Dupes gets a squeaker in on Reimer.
No one was paying attention so Clarke MacArthur whipped his dick out and scored his 5380948302nd goal against the Pens in his career.
We were all excited, but then we weren't.
Apparently the Toronto goal song is the Harlem Shake? We probably can't hear it over the sounds of Leafs fans' delusions.
HIDDEN MELTDOWN OF THE NIGHT
Gunnarsson is having a rough night. Own goal, chops Malkin's stick and getting sent to the bathroom with a nip of Schnapps.
If only we could take advantage of his fragile mental state.
Special teams are apparently an issue.
At least we make it out of the period alive-ish.
MOST DECEPTIVE PERIOD
The second intermission kind of left you feeling like something big was going to happen. And there were chances for that, to a degree, in the former half of the period. Just nothing was actually happening.
Plot twist: The Pens get a PP. Nothing happens.
The Leafs get a PP, the entire Pens fan base can't breathe.
Despres goes for a shorty when he gets wide open on the PK from the center point. My oh my.
One of those games where you feel like you're losing even when you have the lead.
And then we all get caught smoking cigarettes behind the gym. Malkin gets hit real nasty by JVR.
Then Kessel scores. mother of god.
Next sequence Crosby gets upended by Grabovski. Apparently he's fine. But jesus christ we all held our breaths for his perfect head.
Everyone might be okay.
But we're going to overtime so looks like prom is going to go all night.
DIRTIEST BACKSEAT OF A HONDA
Leafs fans screaming for penalties in OT. Malkin isn't taking any shifts. Each team still trades terrifying chances.
Sidney Crosby does like 3 unbelievable things that don't lead to a goal.
We are forced to go to a shootout at the scenic overlook.
Bozak first for Toronto. MAF in his mouth (sounds waaay worse with the backseat of the Honda metaphor). Nope.
Neal makes Reimer his bitch. 1-0
Kadri approaches. Insane toe save.
Sid can end it.
He does, of course. Sid is the only one to score on prom night. And yes, he used protection.
shootout ends 2-0 Pens. Reimer wtf
MOST LIKELY TO GET KICKED OFF THE DANCE FLOOR FOR INAPPROPRIATE PHYSICAL CONTACT
Sid and Dion
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Pascal Dupuis - because he made shit happen and also I got his jersey in the mail today smelling of burned rubber and China and also six shots.
2. KTang - 30 minutes jesus bb you need a massage
3. Kostka's hair - we're semi terrified of it, why didn't he get a haircut before the most important night of his life so far?
Entertaining game. Doesn't mean we don't fear for our lives. Islanders tomorrow. eeesh