The Columbus Blue Jackets are our second-favorite children, and they have finally come home to the Pens' division, which ends a decade of nonsense since Columbus is the closest NHL city to Pittsburgh. Not actually sure of mileage versus Washington but I mean who likes the Caps? No one likes the Caps.
Pregame involved the following photo. Joe Vitale throwing classic Max Talbot shade:
SPEAKING OF, NOT RELATED TO THIS GAME AT ALL:
jesus. did we mention the Flyers traded away Max Talbot for Steve Downie? Straight up? No, you did read that right.
PH is planning something special for the April 6 game against the Avalanche. We are very serious about this. Keep it in the back of your minds.
Anyway. So there's a game.
QUICKEST TRANSITIONS OF LOVE
It's funny how once the Philadelphia media stopped talking about Sergei Bobrovsky we stopped hating him. Both goalies are killing it early on. We had to fan ourselves and have a case of the vapors over MAF when the pens got into some trouble before Sid and Dupuis almost destroyed Bobrovsky's existence.
Couple minutes later, Malkin skates up and draws a penalty. Yes this is the autumn of love.It didn't take long for the Pens to score. Kunitz parked his butt in Bobrovsky's mouth and deflected a shot from Paul Martin, American Hero:
this is probably the most interesting game all season
CLOSEST TO DOOMSDAY
we imagine this is what it's like if you have two close friends and one of them is kind of a fuckup and one of them is really smart but the smart one gets like a shitty boyfriend and starts blogging about One DirectionJackets get a pair of power plays and damn if it isn't THAT close. Former Favorite Mark Letestu and Gaborik and Jack Johnson are all over our souls and eating our darkest secrets with their morning granola as hellfire rains down.MAF is completely unimpressed by their efforts and slams the door on 16 first period shots, including some doozies. This is not the MAF we have known before. He reeks of swagger and swoon.
TIME YOU ALMOST SENT AN APOLOGY BOUQUET
So Sutter comes streaking down the right wing on a 2 on 1 and totally obliterates Bobrovsky. Shot. Goal. 2-0. Pens didn't quite deserve that. Bob Errey uses the word "rivalry" for the ninetieth time. You wonder if he believes it's true or if a producer told him to do it.
Sutter must have flipped the Monster switch.
James Wisniewski closed his hand on a puck. Actually.Then Sutter screened Bobrovsky on a Letang shot from the ensuing power play. Letang hasn't punched anyone yet this year so we're okay with him scoring 2 goals.
oh then the Blue Jackets pull Bobrovsky
and Megna puts in a rebound behind McElhinney.
so everyone is pretty much on a slowboat to Hades and it's 4-0MOST LIKE A PITY FUCK
Jackets rally and have yet another good shift and finally get one.
still it's not a marriageat the end of the period Niskanen fights Comeau because ??? and exposes his sweet flow
THE BEST CAKE YOU NEVER ATE
Sid and Gene hook up for an insane goal. But wait. . .it's not in. Gene is like "No" and shakes his head as Letang goes full-on stupid puppy mode as if he was just shown a steak and a piece of rawhide.
Gene's reaction after the ref calls the no goal at center ice is priceless because he literally doesn't give a fuck. Consummate professional.
Jackets take some other penalty too later just because
blah blah blah
SLOWEST ILLUSION OF DEATH
shitty people with tickets are leaving the arena and things are starting to get a wee bit nasty. The shouting, the hitting, the ridiculous weird Tanner Glass hits
Johansen gets angry enough and scores a pretty goal short side, but it's not going to be enough quite yet, with less than a minute to go.
The fact that we are stressing about a last minute goal this significantly probably proves
other than watching Tanner Glass get injured in slow-mo, nothing else really happens though.
To Be Continued
The Capitals made the Flyers look like consummate idiots tonight. We publicly apologize for saying that no one likes the Capitals. Because now everyone who hates the Flyers loves them. A+ Would Passively Watch Again.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Robert Bortuzzo - mammoth game from him. 6 shots.
2. Jared Boll - think of all the energy you saved skating only 8 minutes that you can now channel into packing bowls
3. Paul Martin - still quietly leading the charge
like we said, this apparently ain't over