No one wants to throw us a bone over here to help us get jazzed up for this season. If you're sick of hearing us whine about it, don't worry, so are we.
It may not be the most exciting season opener of all time but maybe something during this game - be it a standout performance from the boys on ice or the amount of alcohol we manage to funnel into our gullets - will light that fire inside. If not, at least we'll be drunk, hollaaaaa.
Let's get to the awards show.
MOST HILARIOUSLY UNIMPORTANT DISS
Jagr was removed from the Ring of Honor in the locker room today, to the not-so-surprising mumbles and grumbles of some butthurt jagoffs. Get over it, fools. He's an active opponent. It'd be like us putting a picture of your dad in our locker room. It's not gonna happen. (We're bangin' your mom. That's the joke. Get it? omfg get me out of here)
MYSTERIOUS BUTTERFLY AWARD
What is Chuck Kobasew even? We've been asking ourselves that question for a while. We haven't bonded with him yet. A cursory google search tells us this:
Not helpful. Many, many more questions.
Well, we have time to get to know the man, and he nailed home the desire to get to know him with a quick littler number assisted by Sutter and BeauBeau.
Hello there bb, can we buy you a scotch and talk about breakfast foods?
SCARIEST (and also THING YOU KINDA FORGOT ABOUT)
We almost hear Sidney Crosby scream "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?" from the ice.
We nervously whisper "well, it's weird, ya know, we are older and have to replace half our whiskey consumption with kale smoothies and we aren't sure what direction our lives are going in, and student loans man, don't get us sta-"
Sid absolutely undresses Harrold and Schneider in his typical fashion, which is to say TERRIFYING because Sid being Sid ain't like Miley being Miley. It's a hundred times as amazing, a billion times as terrifying, doesn't draw any slut-shaming from the audience (well, okay, unless Colby Armstrong is involved) and from what we understand, involves zero racism and cultural appropriation. But daddy issues all around.
It's 2-0 Pens.
tPB made this, so you could roll around on the floor while it plays on your computer in the background.
Evs heard about our trouble caring and decided to remind us of the good ol' days with a cute little high stick. NO THAT IS NOT WHAT WAS MISSING, EVGENI, ABORT, ABORT, ABORT. Sigh.
Wait a minute.
Are we invested?
We might be invested.
Clowe and Tanner get into it. The refs make it seem like they are going to step in, but decide they want to throw us the proverbial bone and hang back. Clowe goes away bleeding, so we'll take it.
We go into the second period wondering if we are the callous bitches we thought we were.
Zoe says she gets Kobasew. "He's real."
I'll take it.
THING I AM LEAST LIKELY TO DO
Even talk about this second period.
No, sorry, I am sucking wine out of a bag. If you can't care enough to be really super exciting, I can't care enough to type lazy jokes about you.
The third is largely uneventful itself until we get yet another rush goal compliments of Malks getting one over at just the right time and Craig motherfucking Adams cashing in beautifully.
THE MOMENT YOUR MAF-LOVE RUSHED BACK IN FULL
Zajac pretended to do a thing, but MAF absolutely SHUT HIM DOWN. A hush falls over your household. Well. The hush of others, as they stare blankly at you as you shriek. THIS IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT YES OMG HOCKEY YES OKAY YES THANK YOU YES. Could MAF make us prouder?
BIGGEST SURPRISE: YES HE CAN
Henrique is somehow deemed deserving of a penalty shot for the biggest amount of bullshit since your parents last told you they were proud of you.
But you know what?
What the hell ever because when he gets up again MAF and tries to act clever, MAF doesn't fall for it and gets his right pad down just in time.
He follows that up about a minute later by making another handful of fucking IMPOSSIBLE save against solid Debs chances. The crowd is going insane. MAF is back. And so are we.
The Debs wind up with a handful of seconds on the PP after Tanner gets a little too excited. This is an important shutout to get for the team and for MAF. And he fucking gets it, because that's what MAF does.
BRINGING US BACK INTO THE FOLD
Sorry we ever doubted your legions, sir. *carefully places dead pig on alter and backs away slowly*
BRINGING US BACK INTO THE FOLD PART 2
MAF, MAF, MAF, MAF
ALT THREE STARS
1. TK - fastest man al-
I'm not ready for this, you guys. All three stars go to you, reader.
Well, there you have it.
We are back to loving hockey, albeit on tenuous terms.
We're basically just NHL trolls at best. But we adore our boys.
Another season sounds like just what we need at this point in our lives. We're happy to be here.