Hold please.
We will transfer you to our department of Awesome Shit.
That's extension Omg, What Even.

No really, we're welcoming a New Actual PH Staff Member tomorrow morning.
Seeing as the NHL Awards are this week, we had to get some reinforcements to bring to Vegas.
Fasten your fucking seatbelts, the jet is taking off.
SUCK IT

WHEN THE FUCK IS TRAINING CAMP
GO PENS

Just a little picspam for you there.
The Bruins may have resurrected God last night.
Vancouver, the godless Sodom that it is, decided that because their hockey team lost they had to turn into a war zone. Pathetic.
Draft, free agency. . .bring it.
Tim Thomas has the Conn Smythe and there is good in this world.

Go hockey, go Pens. no comments

Two of the Bruins' biggest heroes in the Game 3 stomping of the Vancouver Canucks were Tim Thomas and Mark Recchi.

If these two don't remind you of your dad and his buddies in the yard lighting the gas grill and kicking back the Yuengling, we're sorry that your life is so miserable.
They might be old, but the Bruins have young talent, too.
It's Tyler Seguin's time to win the Classy Player Award.
They have to do it for Horton. It is the only way. Otherwise, the Universe collapses in on itself. We all burn in a fire of Douchebag. DO YOU WANT THIS. DO YOU.
Lesson: respect your elders.

OH HEY SPEAKING OF WHICH: GUESS WHO YOUR NEW PLAYER DEVELOPMENT COACH IS BOYS AND GIRLS
that's fucking right



Now go get me a scotch, sugar tits.

Go Pens

Go Bruins.

We just wanted to let you all know that our deadline for applications has come and gone, and we have received some applications that are truly, amazingly awesome, from a wide variety of people. Some of you are very clearly insane, and, in most cases, that is a good thing. We have a seriously hard choice on our hands, and we'll have a decision handed down at some point in the future, hopefully before free agency. Think of yourselves as our own delicious little free agents. (That wasn't creepy at all.)

Boston's on the ropes going back to their home.
Hope?

GRRRREVERYTHINGISTERRIBLE
Go Bruins.

This was a seriously exciting, amazing game. Particularly for a scoreless game.
Up and down. Amazing saves.
The only blemish was the unbelievably silly special teams battle. But once each team settled in, it was exciting, and everything was amazing, and we were headed for overtime.
Then Raffi Torres shit on the dreams of hockey everywhere.
the Season Without God continues.
Only Boston can save us now.
Nothing is real.
Brendan Shanahan is now taking over NHL discipline. Go NHL.
no comments

For the first time since the Pheonix Coyotes moved to New Orleans and became the Louisiana Muskrats, the NHL has reshuffled the deck.
But...uhhh...not too well. Yet.

The Winnipeg _______s now exist (name not yet chosen...) rather than the Atlanta Thrashers, which is pretty hilarious to begin with. Rumor has it they are sticking with the Jets, but we think that's lazy and missing a great opportunity for a new and hilarious team name.
Second on the list of "what?"s is the fact that the TBAs (their new official name on PH) will be in the Southeast Division. So Tampa, Florida, the Caps, and the Canes all have to haulass up to Manitoba four times a year. We were really looking forward to the Caps losing the devision to the Preds every year, so this throws a really unfun kink into our plan. 

This is the second team to leave Atlanta, and we're really hoping another team gets shuffled over to take its place. Maybe if we keep sending teams to Atlanta, they'll keep sending the teams up to Canada, and eventually the Penguins will be the only team representing America. And we all know that Pittsburgh is vaguely Canadian anyway, so it barely counts. 

 The Thrashers aren't exactly the team you want to have moved to your town, but then again, if all you have to beat is the fading memory of a 9-57-14 season, it's pretty much all gravy. 

 So, good luck to you, TBAs


Go Pens.
Get your tan on. 

Hey yinz guys.

Because Puck Huffers will be entering into a very interesting season next fall, we are currently looking for full-time help on the site in order to maintain a level of sanity in our own lives. As most of you know, our hired help typically does really well, and we have had some amazing people help us out over the years. Now it is time for us to find a more permanent staff member to really assist us on the day to day basis, provide creative input, and generally become another member of the gang.
We've gotten a lot of interest via Twitter on the topic, so we're going to go ahead and post our application so that we can start looking for the right person for the job.

APPLICATION
Applications are due June 4th at 11:59 p.m.  
PLEASE e-mail to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

Please do not fill out the application just because you are lacking internet memes and need something to do during the Pens off season. Well, really, feel free to do that, just don't actually send it to us if you do. Please read the information on the application and decide if this is really something that you can commit yourself to for the forseeable future. 

Really all of this may not matter after Saturday, should John Curry come to take us all to the promise land, but we like to be prepared. 

Have a good weekend, bitches.
Go Pens. 

 

Sorry we haven't been around for the past week.
We've been playing golf with people like Henrik Zetterberg and Mike Richards, who have booked our datebooks full with tee times, and bought us many a cocktail in order to apologize for their behavior this season and playoffs.
We've been trying to get tee times with guys like MaxTal and Marc-Andre, but, like we said. Booked full. Quite the scheduling disaster.
We are both in Boston, Massachusetts awaiting the End of Time. In these trying times we ask you to rely upon your faith in Curry above all things. It is this belief that will get you through Judgment Day and to heaven, where it's always hockey season, and yet strangely warm, with no below-zero student rush lines. We believe this, and so should you.
For the Rapture, we will be traveling to Providence, Rhode Island, which, since it was started as a colony for religious faithful, might be the safest place on earth.
We encourage you to find religion before Jesus finds you.



Now, on to business.

First off, we mentioned earlier that we will be having some changes to the way PH operates, which will probably be for the better.
We will be seeking reliable individuals. Personal problems will be accepted.
We'll be posting an intensive application later in the week. Tell your friends.

Last night's game looked a little bit like a Penguins game if the Penguins had actually been able to shut out the Lightning. Which we all know they weren't. With that wishy-washy power play and bubbling anger. It felt like home. Except Tim Thomas is fat, but kind of good fat.


That shutout'll get you a Starter jacket, folks.

Jaromir Jagr could not be reached for comment. Seeing as Ray Shero has apparently never even met Jaromir Jagr, we're fine with him avoiding our calls. For now.

Oh, hush. Any excuse to use this photo is a good one and you know it.

Also, Sharks. We don't want to talk about it. Neither, we're assuming, do they.
The Sedins can stop it whenever they're ready.


We believe the End of Days will contain an endless rain of Swedes.

Red Wings lose in Game 7. Sharks fail to choke.

Jimmy Howard most likely drowns his sorrows in BBQ ribs and cornbread, specifically: a swimming pool full.
Professor Kronwall, obviously the hugest dickbag of the entire series (and possibly in the world if Tomas Holmstrom ever dies), cried the most.


But: let's talk about the Sharks. More specifically, let's talk about what a beast Joe Thornton finally was and what a complete creepy asshole he was to Pierre McGuire after the game. In his own Joe-Thornton-y way, he's all, WHATEVA WHATEVA WE DO WHAT WE WANT FUCK ALLS YA'LL.

Patrick Marleau was too sweet to say it like that. Instead he got the GWG and insisted that the press make him look epic:

Our emotional picks for the Stanley Cup are San Jose and Boston.
Everyone else doesn't deserve it.

Has anyone else been forced to sit through this commercial for "Blush Pittsburgh"?
The dude who worked on it apparently put it on Vimeo because it's something to be proud of.
As opposed to the creepiest, most disturbing thing we've ever seen.

Commercial for Blush Pittsburgh from Sam Harris on Vimeo.

Go Pens.

We have been very lazy and bad lately but we have been watching hockey. Everything is interesting and frightening at the same time. It seems like nothing has stopped even with the Penguins out of the playoffs. We'd like to present to you, today:
THE CLASSY PLAYER AWARDS
MAY 11, 2011

First, we will bring you the LEAST CLASSY PLAYER:
Placing first is whatever young lady is taking photos of Patrick Kane while he is asleep, as much as we are tempted to give the award to Patrick Kane himself.

Alcohol is a tricky substance that can fool some people into believing that Club Trash isn't Club Trash.  We're sure Patrick probably doesn't care all that much, considering that contraption he is wearing as a necklace, but bad decisions are bad decisions and we're sure he is very embarrassed and crying into his Proactiv, on the phone with his momma all like DON'T GO ON THE INTERNET.  DON'T GO ON THE INTERNET.  He didn't do anything embarrassing, other than sleep with a "lady."
We assume the "lady" has a fake tan and shops at amiclubwear.com, but she did exactly what we would have done, up until a point. If you see the dude you like, and you are available, and he plays hockey, and he seems into you, and you are okay with it maybe only being a one-time thing. . .whatever. Letting the photos get on the Internet was probably intentional though, and we don't wanna be the skank who twitpics things like that. Sooo. Girl who slept with Patrick Kane is today's Least Classy Player.


CLASSY PLAYER AWARD OF THE DAY GOES TO:


Jaromir Jagr, who scored a hat trick for the Czech Republic today. It eliminated the USA from the IIHF World Championships but. . .it was Jaromir Jagr. Can we even be mad?
He is also meeting with Ray Shero today to discuss coming back to play in a charity golf tourney with the 1991 Cup team. Everyone is having the same wet dream that he is going to put a Pens uni on and cause uterus-related hysteria much like Alexei Kovalev did, except score some more goals, but this has neither been confirmed nor denied.
How about that power play the Czechs ran though?
So jealous.
Jaromir is today's Classy Player.

It is a beautiful day.
Go Pens.