PensTV with the Shirts Off Our Backs video from Fan Appreciation night:

• The video gets really interesting when the dude who gets Letestu's jersey whispers sweet nothings into his ear.
• Shortly thereafter, Potash forgets that Dustin Jeffrey had surgery. Classic moment: "OH YEAH HE HAD SURGERY TODAY THAT'S RIGHT"
• Mike Comrie wears a skinny tie.
• Some dude with a Cooke 2011 WC jersey laughs maniacally in the stands
• Max probably would have boned the lady who got his jersey. Then again, she does have a heartbeat. (jk max weloveyou)
• Eric Tangradi is adorable.
• There are many tiny children
• Nick Johnson earns his first hair points of the season and wrangles his tiny child with skillz
• TK gives his jersey to the bro-iest bro that ever bro'd. He looks straight out of a Facebook album of Fayette County bonfires.
• The Tang hair is briefly exposed.
• Gene is sharp as fuck.
• The dude who gets the Kovalev jersey is not nearly excited enough.
• Sid is alive, everyone. Alive. Repeat. Alive.

how many days til Friday?
There's an event on Facebook for the Island invasion and someone on it actually owns a Haley jersey. omfg

GO PENS.

You already know that the Pens won. But the hockey gods are coming through with other information. . .

Our good friends (j/k) the Buffalo Sabres beat Tampa in regulation 4-2. Even a fight from Everyone's Favorite Ryan Malone couldn't cajole them into winning ways. Brother Steven, Midgets, Circus Freaks, etc., skated away crying.
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Result: the Pens are still hanging on to fourth seed. kk

The Sens took on Philly in Ottawa and beat them 5-2 with goals from people you've never heard of and/or usually want to face-stomp. The Flyers also have a player named Ben Holmstrom. No relation to Tomas. Still, cursed from birth with the worst last name of all time:


Result: the Pens move within 1 point of the division lead with the Pens having 2 games remaining, and the Flyers having 3.

The Caps hung on to beat Toronto in a shootout.

Result: There is no such thing as leadership and God hates America.

My personal wishlist for Friday? That the Pens dress Engelland and Johnson and don't die. Getting the 2 points is paramount. But being a badass will help.

P.S. PK Subban is rubbing his balls all over America with some OT win in Minnesota. Do you ever want to play the Habs in the playoffs again? Answer: no. Whatever.

There is no broadcast or feed of the legendery Shirts Off Our Backs night at CEC this evening because Versus hates you and everything you stand for.
Maybe there will be photos we can take to bed with us.


~~go Pens

New York PHWA boycotting NHL awards. When we run the NHL, not only will every member of the PHWA be entitled to ponies from TK's farm, but people won't be stupid, either.

Go Pens.

Hellz yeah, keepin' the potential home ice advantage.
 
PH Staff took a by night last night, to deal with various life emergencies. However, we both were lucky enough to catch (most of) the game, and good for us, because it was pretty motivational.

While there's no definite word on Sid yet, we're looking forward to wrapping this season up and getting into the playoffs. Hopefully this season will go out like a lamb, and we can win the Cup without too many people trying to make a fuss about being in our way.

We'll bbl with real content. We love all ya'all and hope you're enjoying the end of the season.
The Pens...every time they shoudn't, they do, every time they can't, they can, and every time they'll only win if hell freezes over, Hitler gets a sweater.

Go Pens. 

Fun fact: I just spit up all over myself.

There are really three shining moments worth mentioning in this game. We shall call them the PH Triad of Love.
The first is the hot date that Lecavalier had with Letang in the first period that led to St. Louis' beautifully shot game-winning goal.
Kris thought it was going to be an innocent dinner and a movie, but Lecavalier drove him straight up to the Plaza Hotel, took him up to the Royal Plaza Suite, and raped the shit out of him with a crowbar in the master bedroom.
This was a distraction so that St. Louis could find the goal.
It became exponentially easier for him to do so.
Blame rectal bleeding.

Photobomb of the century in the upper right. Who is this woman? Can she be our mom? Maybe James Neal's mom, since clearly he needs some motivation in life according to 99% of Pens fans.
DIG YOURSELF OUT OF THAT HOLE JAMES NEAL

Moment #2 in the Triad was when TK tried to fight Hedman but Hedman didn't understand the universe:

~~tough

Moment #3 was when Rupp scored. It was ignored by the press, in favor of this:

Which is, incidentally, what you get when the three parts of the Triad unite.
Brother Steven rolling around in the snow with Marc-Andre, there are no cares in the world, no penalties, no reality.
Just the joy of spring.

No really, this is exactly what happened.
Pens lose, 2-1

Can't wait to see a 7-game series against anyone, really.

P.S. Somebody please do something about the power play.

GO PENS

What a bag of sweaty balls. 
While we're sick of having to win everything in a SO, we'd rather have that then just getting our faced pushed into the ground by the likes of Philadelphia.
Brb while I go burn this city to the ground.

MOMENT YOU THREW YOUR PANTIES ON THE ICE AND STARTED PICKING NAMES 
The beginning of the game was indicative of a good, strong hockey game taking place this evening. It was fast and sharp, and the Pens were controlling play pretty easily. 
And then, after you'd bitten your nails down to the point of cannibalism, Kovie picks up a delicious apple turnover, sits and enjoys it for an excruciating amount of time, and then sinks the leftovers right into the net.
 
Holy shit.

He celebrates the increased surplus of sex-


And then cements his dominance by planting a seed of love directly inside of Ville Leino-

Check back in 20 years and there will be a majestic tree.


LEAST FORGIVENESS AFFORDED FOR A ONCE-PRETTY-SEXY EYE INJURY
We don't admit such things often, but there is a slight chance a member of PH staff once had lunch with a certain Mr. Coburn at training camp and said very little to him and squeaked loudly when their knees "accidentally" touched as she got up to hide in a corner and text all of her friends about the experience. Maybe there is an odd weakness for eye injuries.

Who are you to judge?
 However, certain things can be forgotten when an unlucky bounce somehow makes this individual the recipient of a point against our team.

Well, shit.
This time when we say "no more lunches" we mean it.

Celebrating a shot like this is like celebrating beating an Angry Birds level when your dog licked your iPhone screen.
Get real.

Get punched in the face a few times and you may earn some more forgiveness. But not now. 

ODDEST UNEXTINGUISHABLE FIRE 

Our president is seriously uncontrollably recently.
We have to admit a little shock.
But a whole bunch more sexual excitedness. 


MOMENT YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW WHAT WAS UP 
Hartnell is an asshole and puts one in the net, following it up immediately with some really gentlemanly work around the net.  

But you understand this now. It's 2-2, we'll be going to the third soon, so we'll get out slightly ahead, or with a tie and have to finish up in OT or the SO.

MOMENTS YOU REALIZED YOU WERE WRONG 

Giroux.


Leinox2

And unfortunately, that was all.

Individual awards and alternative three stars are canceled due to general ball suckage of the game and lateness of this post, though we would like to give this photo mad props:

Get yours, Rupp.
 
So we're officially behindbehind the Flyers. But things have been better and things have been worse, and we're still pretty pleased with the way the team has been truckin' through this season. We're not going to complain, because things could be so much worse.

As is,
Get some sleep.
Go Pens. 

CLICK HERE for an up-to-date table of Hair League points by player.

Philly game tonight is the biggest game of the season, but if you didn't know that you haven't been paying nearly enough attention.
Go Pens. 

LATE EDIT:
Via our friend Liz:

what on fucking earth

GO PENS~~~

 

Tonight, the Pens had to be rescued by Prince Neal again, straight from the very cracks in space and time that some say lead to hell.

We did not weep, we did not lament.
We transcended dimensionality, and beat Martin Brodeur in the shootout.
Marc-Andre Fleury has a shutout for four straight years on March 25th.
We actually have a few questions about that, but something tells us that the Shadow Proclamation will stand in our way.  What do you think, David Tennant?

right.  We better not ask.
(AND BEFORE YOU GET PISSED AT THE REFERENCES FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SEASONS, PLEASE REMEMBER THAT WE ARE TRANSCENDING SPACE AND TIME HERE)
And before you get confused and annoyed with all of the Doctor Who references, let's move back to something we all relate to:

Omarion, former lead singer of B2K.
Every time Steigerwald mentioned Nick Palmieri, I thought he was talking about Omarion.

File photo: Nick Palmieri, clearly not Omarion

I am absolutely not shitting you when I say that very little occurred all game.  Power plays were awful.  Penalty kills were astounding, as usual.  Penguins' zone exit and forecheck were beautiful beyond all words.
Martin Brodeur was incredibly obese, but never looked quite at home in his fatness as he has in recent years.
There were posts, missed chances, a variety of awfulness.
Whiffed shots.
4 shots combined in the first period.
Second period shouldn't have even been played.
Third period had flashes of openness especially since the Devils' defensemen kept ending up hurt.
Officiating was dreadful, and we learned of new additions to the NHL rulebook such as the rule that contact with Swedes is illegal, as is trying to play the puck with your stick.
It came down to shootout, AGAIN, which felt stupid as all hell.
Brodeur was good, but Fleury was better.


James Neal could destroy a paradox machine with his brain

Neal needs to look more excited and overwhelmed by pimp-strut.
Henri Cartier-Bresson not impress with this decisive moment.

Also: Comrie played today and didn't take a giant dump on our hopes and dreams by existing, so we consider it an upgrade.

Real talk on Quizilla right now: which b2k member would you most likely have sex with?

Something actual that needs to be addressed here is the fact that the Pens are the hardest-working and likely the best-conditioned team in the NHL right now.  They are tearing up a storm with a lineup that has no business being here.  It's a team that walks and breathes together, and always knows where every player is on the ice.  Mistakes are made, penalites are taken, they're far from perfect, but damn if this isn't the best-executed system you've seen in years.

Pens didn't clinch tonight, since Carolina won.  Sunday is the Panthers.
Cue: the Panthers exist?
GO PENS

First and foremost we must remind you all to register to go to Las Vegas for the NHL awards show. Seeing as PH staff receive their invitations delivered by hand from various NHL star players, we promote you guys getting some free tickets and living it up while we critique fashion and speeches and generally boo the undeserving recipients the NHL has chosen this year. 

The Penguins were in my territory last night, and I was somewhere in the 38th hour of sleep deprivation when the game started. Feeling weirdly alive, I figured I'd have no problem finishing up the game and recapping. That was before I started seeing the Ambien walrus with zero input from ambien.

Not too far from the truth.

By the time this was happening:


My email looked like this:

Seeing as how I often walk the two miles to and from my place of work because I am too poor to afford subway tokens, this was clearly a problem.
However, I do suggest Chocomize.
I made a candy bar that contained: beef jerky, bacon bits, coffee grounds,  mini chipotle peppers and 23 karate gold flakes.
I named it the MANdy Bar. 

So, needless to say I passed out shortly after all of the delirium, and had some really weird dreams for about 14 hours. (It's called REM rebound, bitches, and it's a fact. If you want to watch the coolest, weirdest movie in your brain during the night, just  stop sleeping for over 40 hours. Then you can marry Brooks Orpik and have half-zebra children and live in the auditorium of what you understand to be your former high school but really looks like a shopping mall when you think about it.) 

It's all that I can ever really ask for that the citizens of this city be miserable while I flit about the streets in Pens gear, telling them all they can go to hell, and the Penguins delivered on that.
Thank you, men.

In other news, Mike Comrie is coming back tonight, which is cool. Zoe will be getting the game (and I'm no fortune teller, but I feel a drunkblog in the air and it smells like nachos and cheap tequila) so give her your attention and ever-loving respect.

Waiting for media last night before passing out led me to prepare this for the recap that never happened, but I thought I'd share my fevered train of thought anyway:

 

Curry Bless. 
Go Pens. 

Report: Chris Osgood leaking fat out of his hernia or something


1. BROOKS IS PRACTICING YAY
2. Take a shot for every time Brooks says "obviously" or "especially" in this video. Then, write us an e-mail sensuously describing your experience.

Tomorrow's game is up in the air.
We'll entertain you somehow.
Go Pens.