This was a seriously exciting, amazing game. Particularly for a scoreless game.
Up and down. Amazing saves.
The only blemish was the unbelievably silly special teams battle. But once each team settled in, it was exciting, and everything was amazing, and we were headed for overtime.
Then Raffi Torres shit on the dreams of hockey everywhere.
the Season Without God continues.
Only Boston can save us now.
Nothing is real.
Brendan Shanahan is now taking over NHL discipline. Go NHL.
For the first time since the Pheonix Coyotes moved to New Orleans and became the Louisiana Muskrats, the NHL has reshuffled the deck.
But...uhhh...not too well. Yet.
The Winnipeg _______s now exist (name not yet chosen...) rather than the Atlanta Thrashers, which is pretty hilarious to begin with. Rumor has it they are sticking with the Jets, but we think that's lazy and missing a great opportunity for a new and hilarious team name.
Second on the list of "what?"s is the fact that the TBAs (their new official name on PH) will be in the Southeast Division. So Tampa, Florida, the Caps, and the Canes all have to haulass up to Manitoba four times a year. We were really looking forward to the Caps losing the devision to the Preds every year, so this throws a really unfun kink into our plan.
This is the second team to leave Atlanta, and we're really hoping another team gets shuffled over to take its place. Maybe if we keep sending teams to Atlanta, they'll keep sending the teams up to Canada, and eventually the Penguins will be the only team representing America. And we all know that Pittsburgh is vaguely Canadian anyway, so it barely counts.
The Thrashers aren't exactly the team you want to have moved to your town, but then again, if all you have to beat is the fading memory of a 9-57-14 season, it's pretty much all gravy.
So, good luck to you, TBAs
Get your tan on.
Hey yinz guys.
Because Puck Huffers will be entering into a very interesting season next fall, we are currently looking for full-time help on the site in order to maintain a level of sanity in our own lives. As most of you know, our hired help typically does really well, and we have had some amazing people help us out over the years. Now it is time for us to find a more permanent staff member to really assist us on the day to day basis, provide creative input, and generally become another member of the gang.
We've gotten a lot of interest via Twitter on the topic, so we're going to go ahead and post our application so that we can start looking for the right person for the job.
Applications are due June 4th at 11:59 p.m.
Please do not fill out the application just because you are lacking internet memes and need something to do during the Pens off season. Well, really, feel free to do that, just don't actually send it to us if you do. Please read the information on the application and decide if this is really something that you can commit yourself to for the forseeable future.
Really all of this may not matter after Saturday, should John Curry come to take us all to the promise land, but we like to be prepared.
Have a good weekend, bitches.
Sorry we haven't been around for the past week.
We've been playing golf with people like Henrik Zetterberg and Mike Richards, who have booked our datebooks full with tee times, and bought us many a cocktail in order to apologize for their behavior this season and playoffs.
We've been trying to get tee times with guys like MaxTal and Marc-Andre, but, like we said. Booked full. Quite the scheduling disaster.
We are both in Boston, Massachusetts awaiting the End of Time. In these trying times we ask you to rely upon your faith in Curry above all things. It is this belief that will get you through Judgment Day and to heaven, where it's always hockey season, and yet strangely warm, with no below-zero student rush lines. We believe this, and so should you.
For the Rapture, we will be traveling to Providence, Rhode Island, which, since it was started as a colony for religious faithful, might be the safest place on earth.
We encourage you to find religion before Jesus finds you.
Now, on to business.
First off, we mentioned earlier that we will be having some changes to the way PH operates, which will probably be for the better.
We will be seeking reliable individuals. Personal problems will be accepted.
We'll be posting an intensive application later in the week. Tell your friends.
Last night's game looked a little bit like a Penguins game if the Penguins had actually been able to shut out the Lightning. Which we all know they weren't. With that wishy-washy power play and bubbling anger. It felt like home. Except Tim Thomas is fat, but kind of good fat.
That shutout'll get you a Starter jacket, folks.
Jaromir Jagr could not be reached for comment. Seeing as Ray Shero has apparently never even met Jaromir Jagr, we're fine with him avoiding our calls. For now.
Oh, hush. Any excuse to use this photo is a good one and you know it.
Also, Sharks. We don't want to talk about it. Neither, we're assuming, do they.
The Sedins can stop it whenever they're ready.
We believe the End of Days will contain an endless rain of Swedes.
Red Wings lose in Game 7. Sharks fail to choke.
Jimmy Howard most likely drowns his sorrows in BBQ ribs and cornbread, specifically: a swimming pool full.
Professor Kronwall, obviously the hugest dickbag of the entire series (and possibly in the world if Tomas Holmstrom ever dies), cried the most.
But: let's talk about the Sharks. More specifically, let's talk about what a beast Joe Thornton finally was and what a complete creepy asshole he was to Pierre McGuire after the game. In his own Joe-Thornton-y way, he's all, WHATEVA WHATEVA WE DO WHAT WE WANT FUCK ALLS YA'LL.
Patrick Marleau was too sweet to say it like that. Instead he got the GWG and insisted that the press make him look epic:
Our emotional picks for the Stanley Cup are San Jose and Boston.
Everyone else doesn't deserve it.
Has anyone else been forced to sit through this commercial for "Blush Pittsburgh"?
The dude who worked on it apparently put it on Vimeo because it's something to be proud of.
As opposed to the creepiest, most disturbing thing we've ever seen.
We have been very lazy and bad lately but we have been watching hockey. Everything is interesting and frightening at the same time. It seems like nothing has stopped even with the Penguins out of the playoffs. We'd like to present to you, today:
THE CLASSY PLAYER AWARDS
MAY 11, 2011
First, we will bring you the LEAST CLASSY PLAYER:
Placing first is whatever young lady is taking photos of Patrick Kane while he is asleep, as much as we are tempted to give the award to Patrick Kane himself.
Alcohol is a tricky substance that can fool some people into believing that Club Trash isn't Club Trash. We're sure Patrick probably doesn't care all that much, considering that contraption he is wearing as a necklace, but bad decisions are bad decisions and we're sure he is very embarrassed and crying into his Proactiv, on the phone with his momma all like DON'T GO ON THE INTERNET. DON'T GO ON THE INTERNET. He didn't do anything embarrassing, other than sleep with a "lady."
We assume the "lady" has a fake tan and shops at amiclubwear.com, but she did exactly what we would have done, up until a point. If you see the dude you like, and you are available, and he plays hockey, and he seems into you, and you are okay with it maybe only being a one-time thing. . .whatever. Letting the photos get on the Internet was probably intentional though, and we don't wanna be the skank who twitpics things like that. Sooo. Girl who slept with Patrick Kane is today's Least Classy Player.
CLASSY PLAYER AWARD OF THE DAY GOES TO:
Jaromir Jagr, who scored a hat trick for the Czech Republic today. It eliminated the USA from the IIHF World Championships but. . .it was Jaromir Jagr. Can we even be mad?
He is also meeting with Ray Shero today to discuss coming back to play in a charity golf tourney with the 1991 Cup team. Everyone is having the same wet dream that he is going to put a Pens uni on and cause uterus-related hysteria much like Alexei Kovalev did, except score some more goals, but this has neither been confirmed nor denied.
How about that power play the Czechs ran though?
Jaromir is today's Classy Player.
It is a beautiful day.
The Washington Capitals are literally confused as to why they lost. We are literally confused as to why they are confused, and why they took it upon themselves to ensure that Tampa won 7 games straight. This has been the hot topic of discussion for the last several days, and we are very late on the whole thing. Last night, I tried to get a bunch of people to get excited about the Preds with me and drink Arbor Mist in a liveblog, but the lack of success to that plan shows me where America's priorities lie. By allowing this nonsense to continue, the terrorists will win.
Vancouver won last night in Nashville. Clearly the Arbor Mist was taboo. I painted my nails Preds colors. Barry Trotz did not have a good night. But the GoldOut is legit:
Our Preds for the Stanley Cup campaign is getting thin. What can we do? We might have to start setting things on fire.
The Bruins and the Sharks are trying for sweeps as we speak.
San Jose is down by a goal, but there's 20 minutes left. Killer instinct? Finnish goaltending tandem? IS THIS THE YEAR. EDIT: SAN JOSE JUST TIED IT HOOOOOO
Boston doesn't give a shit. They are up 1-0. Hartnell is a turtle.
what else to do.
get ready for that third round.
If Tampa Bay makes it out of the East, there is no god. Not that we haven't been preaching the death of god all season.
GO PENS (and preds) (and not-tampa-or-detroit)
So now it's our duty to say something about hockey that has nothing to do with the Penguins, we guess. The reality of it is that we've spent the past several nights crying into glasses of whiskey and looking at pictures of cats that look like Hitler on the internet; all pointless efforts to alleviate the pain of the vast, empty void that is the world of Penguins hockey right now.
It's a lot like Max Talbot's soul up in here.
So what's happening here...
Unless something crazy happens in the next few minutes, Boston is staring a possible sweep in the face. Assuming they take it tonight, that's a 3-0.
Typically, in the finals, if the Pens aren't there we'll root in-state. There are a lot of things that would alter this, like if the Jackets ever made it to the finals (LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL) but mostly it's true. But these are still semifinal games.
Tampa Bay is looking like they may sweep tonight.
We're kind of glad...
Not FOR them. Just for our own image. It's not like we got beat up by the class retard, at least.
As I write this, Detroit just went up 3-2 over SJS in the game tonight, but the Sharks are leading the series 2-0 and could still come away with the game tonight. Lols to Western games going on into the late hours of the night. We're rooting SJS not just for the series, but for the win. Maybe this will be the year they forget to choke.
Come on guys.
Vancouver and Nashville are just hilarious.
We want the series extended to five hundred games.
Preds for the Cup.
Anyway, try not to be too depressed, because soon we will get amazing photos from charity golf tournaments in which the boys wear ill fitting polo shirts and pants with horrible patterns.
Fuck the other teams.
The Pens got off to a slightly awkward start. Excuses started showing up everywhere for the state of the arena, the state of the morons in the crowd, why Marc-Andre Fleury was "choking" and why Malkin was "shitty." But: then the Pens picked it up. Crosby took over the fucking universe. Puck Huffers Staff was witness on November 27, 2010, where Sid got the first hat trick in the midst of his points streak, which lasted from November 5th to December 28th. It was snapped by the Islanders on the 29th. From that point on, things were shit. No one knows why. Probably something to do with legal hits to the head. Something to do with irresponsibility within the entertainment industry. WHATEVER COUGH WHATEVER
Fleury absolutely became the goaltender we needed him to be. He put the team on his back as Malkin also went down with a torn ACL and MCL. Then, every other center in the organization basically died. We skated an AHL lineup. We traded Alex Goligoski and some used shin pads around the deadline and got James Neal, Matt Niskanen, and Alexei Kovalev. Why Matt Niskanen was even skating in Game 7 against Tampa Bay remains a mystery, but we made some solid investments for the future. We watched guys like Chris Conner, Mark Letestu, and Dustin Jeffrey truly come into their own, and learn to play like their lives depended on it. But without Sid and Malkin, we all knew it was going to be hard. We saw Dan Bylsma coach a group of players whose major talents were perseverance and hockey sense rather than actual physical skill. We beat good teams, teams that still had their most talented players, with defense and just pure hanging on for dear life. Asston of shootouts--including four straight shootout wins in March.
The power play, was, unequivocally, a disaster. But we were like FUCK IT, what are we even supposed to do right now?
We engaged in some ridiculous war with the New York Islanders that should have never been permitted.
Our team skated way too many minutes, bumped their heads way too many times, and was eventually wore down. Chris Kunitz caught on fire, then disappeared at some indeterminate point in April. Niskanen got a goal before Neal. If you expected the lineup to really click the way it does when a team actually does training camp together at random in March with the amount of injuries and other strugs, you were stupid. So, so, so, stupid. Arron Asham almost got the team going by himself, and he is fucking Arron Asham. What happened? We all know what happened. Seriously.
We put up a fight, but there was a time when it had to be put to rest. Either that, be part of a "Caps in 4 (or 5)" scenario that no one wants to be a part of.
Roloson didn't Varlmaov. He Halak'd. The Lightning pulled a Montreal, and we looked like tits.
Crosby and Malkin have a lot of time before camp to get to 100%. It's a new day. A muggy, cloudy day, and all of a sudden, we're rooting for the Preds to take it all. What on earth. That, or San Jose, or Boston. Tampa got the Caps for round 2. Scuse us while we lol.
Think of James Neal in his postgame, more or less fighting back tears.
We know it's not a perfect world, but in a perfect world, he's going to be streaking down the wing in October, and Sid is going to feed him with a pass, and he's going to bury a perfect wrister behind some asshole in a Flyers uniform. Everyone will scream and high-five and hug. It'll be hockey again.
Right now, we just get to ruminate, but it's not forever.
With the first-round exit by the Muskrats, we have some rebuilding to do in our back office as well. We will be in touch.
season wrap up some time tomorrow.
All the love in the world, and sometimes you just fall down anyway.
best team ever.
we'll be back.