first Hair League update of the new year!
Also, Megan City to handle the Montreal game tonight.
We love her.
We hate these sniveling dickwads:
this is the Pens' chance to show that they are bringing the hate in 2011, as opposed to just pouncing gleefully on an exhausted opponent.
Your cat grooms itself more vigorously than Tampa Bay played last night. Reason why it was 8-1.
Never expect a blowout.
GO PENS.
No expectations before this game, you were just excited to see the Pens play. And they delivered. They did what they came out to do, and more, starting 7 seconds in.
BEST/WORST DECISION
We learn early on that the unthinkable has been done, that Orpik has been stripped of the A and it has been given to Staal.
I mean shouldn't they have taken it from Gene for being, you know, lazy?
First shift of the game, Gene took over the world. We're not going to say he's not a purely emotionally driven hunk of man who has problems being consistent. But hey, that was pretty cool.
7 seconds in. Almost a record but Jean Provonost has that. Fastest goal to start a game in the NHL since 1998 so whatev.
1-0 Pens
OLDEST DWAYNE ROLOSON
Shortly thereafter, Lovejoy blasts one, which is tipped by Conner.
You then realize that the pregame locker room talk must have been amazeballs because Goligoski actually takes a shot. Checkmark that play. Roloson is shaking violently, might need an oxygen tank.
WORST ANGLE
When Tyler Kennedy flew into the zone off of some amazing heads-up pass by Letang, seemingly had 384932 lanes, and skated it down almost to the goal line to shoot. Because that's just what TK does. It went five hole on Roloson. The reasonable conclusion is that he knew what he was doing.
and everyone is all "nbd"
bye Roli
WHAT DAN ELLIS MIGHT CALL GENOCIDE
When Kunitz snipejobs him on the first shot he faces all night.
Being rich is hard, ya'll.
Pens continue to take over the world, everyone's life is hard, especially for Gagne, who rapes Fleury at some point. again, nbd.
OH DEAR WHAT A LITTLE BIT OF CONFIDENCE CAN DO
Pens are cycling, draw a PP.
Goligoski shoots and actually hits the net. You'd say miracle, but it looks like Kunitz touched it a bit, too.
5-0
Kunitz had so many goals in this game that we can't even differentiate what pictures are from which goals.
Suffice it to say, we think that Dan Ellis could do with a biscuit.
[jfkls]
BIGGEST HOLE IN THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM
A ticky-tacky penalty shot call in favor of Stamkos, who has the opportunity to jumpstart Chernobyl at CEC. . .
hrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
He doesn't even seem pissed about it. We don't know why this is. There are myriad options. Maybe he is used to failure. Maybe he realizes that the milk has already been spilled. Maybe he is just mature? Brother Steven, tell US.
Errey called the play "justice."
SOMEONE GET ROLOSON HIS WERTHER'S ORIGINALS
After both teams poke around awhile, Letestu swoops in and makes an adorable backhand after being fed masterfully by TK. It was, you have to admit, TK's last chance, and he got himself a new lease on life. Wish we knew how Danny B was grading him tonight.
6-0 haaaay.
SIGN OF THE TIMES AWARD
Bob almost gets hit in the puck.
"Steiggy, I tellya, it's dangerous," he says.
He wants to give it to the crowd.
"I just tossed it over, got about 5 guys spilling beers."
Some girl gets it, gets out her fancy phone so her friend can take a pic. Fancy phones are taking over the world.
PUTTING OUT FIRE WITH GASOLINE
After Hedman decides to be a joke and board Crosby, the Pens go to work in the final minute of the 2nd.
Gogo sends a puck Kunitz's way yet again, and it goes in again.
It takes awhile, but everyone knows what's up.
LOOK IT'S A FUN AND EXCITING MEMBER OF THE PENS' ICE CREW
good job, press.
MOST BIZARRE PERIOD IN YEARS
The Lightning come out flying for the third period. Dan Ellis is back in net, because I mean, that's helpful. Right, Guy Boucher?
Riiiiiiight.
Ryan Malone pulls a power move that almost makes Steiggy poop himself. Martin made sure nothing happened, though. Adam Hall does eventually crash the net and get the goal, though, and it's 7-1. Still time for Chernobyl. But Alex Goligoski was also driving the net on a 4-on-1 rush.
wrist shot city
8-1.
goodnight.
OH WAIT BUT ONE MORE THING
"Downie just patted Rupp on the butt for some particular reason. I don't know what that means. Then he tried to trip him." - Bob Errey on #9 Steve Downie.
PENS WIN
8-1
back to normal, except this isn't normal, is it?
INDIVIDUAL AWARDS
MOST BEAUTIFUL
Dwayne.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Uncle Jordy, for being relatively solid in his first game in CEC. +2. 61% faceoffs.
THERE IS ANOTHER GAME TOMORROW AND I STILL HAVE TO RECAP 24/7 HOWEVER WILL I GET THINGS DONE.
I'll figure something out.
Go Pens.
Pens finally play tomorrow. Feels like at least a decade and a half since the WC.
someone named Josh Yohe wrote an article about the boys complaining about Steckel.
Come on guys, get over it. Do you want us (or David) to make you dinner and say sorry?
Minnesota at NJD is on Versus as we speak. Aside from the presence of Hedberg, it is easily the most boring game of all time.
Team Johan.
Lightning tomorrow. Brother Steven sit down.
will update hair league too, promise.
Go Pens.
no commentsIf you're a Caps fan or a Penguins fan with a brain, it probably really set in over the weekend that celebrating hockey is something you have to do on your own. The Winter Classic was indeed an amazing, primetime event. But between shoddy NBC camera work, completely incorrect weather analysis, and the lack of focus to the broadcast, it was disappointing to say the least. Most people who didn't go are probably glad they didn't deplete their bank accounts in order to go. Much of the game was boring, peppered with bad mistakes that led to goals. Gene scored on the first breakaway he's ever scored on ever, felt like, but damn. What a boring game.
And what embarrassing play by the Penguins. CLEARLY THEY DIDN'T REALIZE THAT IF THEY WON THIS GAME IT WOULD BE LIKE WINNING THE CUP. Boudreau should have reminded them. January. Fuck.
No, what really made this game special was the sheer number of fans and the sheer energy that they put into seeing this game: traveling to Heinz Field, tailgating for nine years in the rain until the game could start, some staying in the city for days from out of town so they could support college hockey, each team's AHL affiliate, and the Alumni Game. Without the fans, this is nothing. Still, fans must have realized on a large scale, whether trying to see the ice through the downpour at Heinz or trying to see the puck from like a mile above the clouds and fog on NBC, that the NHL forced this game in order to make money. We're not saying it's wrong and we're not saying it was a catastrophic idea. Just not the idea that we would have come up with. And that the fans didn't need it. They know how to hate, and love, and get pumped for these teams. The OMG WINTER CLASSIC bullshit overshadowed the actual rivalry between these two clubs. It was little more than a fever dream in the cold, wet night.
The world is kind of lol'ing at Pittsburgh a bit now.
We're excited to see the next episode of 24/7, even though it will probably piss us off, just because we want to see the locker room reactions legit from the Penguins.
We don't think they will embarrass themselves. Let's just say that much.
For now, here are 43 things we learned from episode 3. Valuable life lessons to take with you for the rest of your life, as a hockey fan and beyond:
1. Reason #38403 why Mike Knuble would be a better captain than Ovechkin: he sacrifices his body and doesn't complain. Compare to, say, the last time you saw Alex getting medical attention. Hooo
2. Also, Brooks Laich. Says that leadership is manifested through display of work ethic. Wow. Valid question: does Ovechkin even know why he is captain?
3. HBO really captures the fatness of Uncle Dad.
4. Idiotic Caps fans in hi-def: something you can preserve and show your grandchildren. Sad thing is, the guy in the background to your right saying CROSBY SUCKS might have actually been a fan before Ovechkin was drafted. Look at what the franchise has done to him.
5. Fights are always better in HD slow-mo.
6. We'd still hit it.
7. Maybe they were by December 31st. Shouldn't have beaten them that one time. HRRRR
8. "You look awesome. Girls love." = Gene quote of the decade.
9. Max is lol'ing at Washington on the way to the airport. Damn he loves those cameras in his car. WONDER WHY
10. Brent is a hero, and Goose is a bit embarrassed that he isn't as holiday-inspired.
11. Everything about this screenshot is perfect.
12. Yes, Benny, we can in fact tell that you got hit.
13. Compassion in the Caps organization amounts to not telling a guy he's on IR until after the big game??
14. Even Boudreau knows to tell his players that Gene takes stupid penalties if you poke him too hard. GEEEEEEEENE.
15. Mattie and Paulie look slightly in love but then again Mattie tends to look slightly in love with everyone.
16. Godsy and Engo eat spaghetti dinner together.
17. Remember this game? What on Earth was going on in this sequence.
18. Ovechkin yelling about a penalty is like a kid yelling that he got three Xboxes for Christmas instead of four.
19. Brooks yelling about penalties is like a man demanding his sausage gravy. Much sexier.
20. Sutherland's reaction to the Caps' timeout coordinator getting a puck to the face was hilarious. DID THEY AT LEAST GET HER THE PUCK
21. GREEN YOU PUSSY. thanks HBO
22. FUCKING FUCK. Repeat: does Ovechkin understand what captaincy is?
23. Okay Sid swearing is just hilarious and awkward and a little bit wrong. But maybe the Caps should compare footage and see the Crosby to Ovechkin whine ratio? Just in this episode. Just in this game. FUCKING FUCK
24. not even going to touch this one.
FUCKING FUCK
25. Let's get this bitch = about the coolest thing one could ever say before walking away.
26. Maybe he's captain because he's a good cheerleader. Still uncertain.
27. How Chris King manages to talk with that toothpick in his mouth is much more impressive than most video review decisions he's laid down, pretty sure.
28. Seriously, wouldn't you rather have Dupes on a breakaway or shootout at this point than Malks? Malks needs extra home cookin'. Winter Classic goal was awesome though, BUT WE'RE NOT THERE YET FOLKS.
29. Jesus
30. oh my god really not sure how Boudreau is allowed out of his own house.
31. HÄAGEN-DASZ
32. Boudreau really doesn't care about what he is getting his wife for Christmas for some reason.
33. Eric Fehr won the Winter Classic for the Caps because he gave presents to this adorable baby.
34. OMG we seriously want to have Swedish Christmas Eve with Nicklas Backstrom. Not even kidding.
35. All the outdoor shots of Pittsburgh in winter were enough to bring a displaced resident to tears. Thank Curry I'm home for the holidays.
36. Where can we get this snowglobe? Probably NHL.com. So adorable.
37. Those gloves are really a stunning accessory for Danny.
38. unf
39. The Xbox Kinect will take over your family.
40. After Swedish Christmas Eve we want Christmas Morning with Michael Rupp. What a shirt.
41. Eric Godard's face = doesn't look great. At least not a normal version of great.
42. NO THIS ISN'T WHAT WE WANTED WE ARE NOT CELEBRATING THE ORIGINS OF HOCKEY WE ARE LINING POCKETS STFU
43. Not that this isn't a gorgeous setting for a game. Shame about the weather. Better view of the city in PNC Park anyway. Whatever. Beautiful.
we're over it.
Pens don't play til Wednesday. Word on the street is that the January Stanley Cup is still on the line, as it wasn't seen after the Caps victory at Heinz Field.
Also, per Seth from Empty Netters, this guy's an incredible dickwad who probably just wants to bang Bobby Orr.
GO PENS.
2 points in the standings to the Caps at the beginning of January.
Wait, that wasn't a Stanley Cup winning goal by Eric Fehr?
Shit.
There wasn't any roof to raise, Semen.
We were against this from day 1.
Bad vibes, dude. Wrong venue, wrong teams, wrong story.
No valuable lessons have been learned.
regular season game, folks.
Hilarious that they kept saying it wouldn't rain, and then it did, and the rest of the affair was like watching paint dry.
Exciting if you like Eric Fehr. Sort of.
No hair league points awarded for this day in history because we don't believe that it is important or should have happened.
Go Pens.
This post is live from the Starbucks on Carson, where I just saw a pack of girls in Mike Green jerseys.
Sangria-induced nightmares were had last night about Mike Green making big defensive plays.
How do we deal? Is Pittsburgh even ready for this?
It's moments like these when you realize the incongruity. The city of Pittsburgh is often thrust onto a world stage, with no real representation of the city as a whole. The residential street you partied on last night, the church you threw bottles at, the sort-of-shady grocery stores you love to shop at, the diner where you get coffee alongside crackheads: none of that matters, we're supposed to shine our shoes and look respectable and worldly. Not that Pittsburgh isn't respectable and worldly. Just not in the way that other places are traditionally worldly. Like discovering that the street you wanted to turn onto is one-way, most things that happen in Pittsburgh are unexpected.
Like, you know, a night hockey game at Heinz Field in January?
Since we all know the Islanders won the December Stanley Cup, let's move on to more relevant news, like this article about the "ice cold rivalry" between Sid and Ovechkin that Rob Rossi had to collaborate with someone else to produce.
DID YOU KNOW, GUYS?
Uncle Jordy is back.
I am probably the last person on Earth to figure this out.
Go Uncle Jordy.
Point is, this is already a circus. And circus isn't always a bad thing. It's just one of those days where anything can happen, and the rain keeps coming down. How do we deal? Settle in. Drink, eat, and scream. It's a great day for hockey. We already win the Best City Ever award, so really, very little can bring us down.
All right.
Go Pens.
First off, everyone give a round of applause to Megan, who made herself known to us first by e-mailing us ripping on Rob Rossi's blog.
She is basically a lifesaver.
Second off, everyone get your pitchforks and torches because we're marching on the offices of Allegheny Power, who decided that because we had a bad meter socket they were going to snip my family's service and allow all of our food to rot.
And also for making it basically impossible for me to run Puck Huffers. It is like being separate from a child.
Thank god for friends who have gas generators. So I can bring you this message.
i.e. I updated the Hair League. Here is the graphic of the top 25. Click here for full info.
Winter Classic postponed til 8pm tomorrow. Mario had 2 assists in the alumni game, not that I was able to watch it.
Be safe.
You know what you need to enjoy this new year? Lights that work.
Fuck the Caps. and for God's sake, GO PENS.
That was supposed to be my evil laugh. I think it lost something in the translation to text though. Normally, you would already have pissed yourself in fear.
Well, I'm Megan. I'm Canadian, a scorpio, and long walks on the beach are bullshit. Feel free to swamp me with offensive canuck jokes, I will smile and laugh since we Canadians are a peaceful and friendly people. I might also sweater/jersey you and punch you in your stomach a lot.
Gramps illustrates THE classic hockey fight maneuver.
Then we`ll throw back a few beers. We Canadians have odd and awesome ways.
By the hand of God, Zoe's power is down, probably in retribution for some terrible sin. And with Kim in India, someone needs to man the helm. So, introducing me. That's a Jonas brother song. Introducing Me. I am so sorry that I know that.
Zoe suggests that I chat about the Winter Classic, so gather around the fire kiddies. Apparently the Classic is something that`s going on. Honestly, you wouldn`t know it here in Canada. Here, Christmas has fuck all to do with Santa and everything to do with the World Juniors. Despite the competition being on US soil, Canadians bought over 60% of the tickets. It is as you feared, Canada has finally invaded. Buffalo is just our beach head, the real horror is to come.
Bum-bum-baaaaaaah. I know. You`re super scared.
Right now they`re calling 12o Celcius and 100% chance of rain. Mother Nature is a cold hearted whore, made hard and world weary by years of peddling herself on the street. This is probably revenge for that whole Global Warming thing.
It`s likely to get postponed and played on Sunday, but we won`t know until 8pm. So here`s what you do. Call up some old highschool friends that are also home for the holidays and make plans. That way if the game is cancelled you`ll have someone to drink with and rant at about the fucking weather. If the game is on, atleast you don`t really care about them and you won`t mind bailling. Just don`t show, don`t even call to cancel. Remember, these are the assclowns that shot spitballs at the back of your head and other such assclownery.
I think if I weren`t a Pens fan, I would be breaking shit in frustration over all the Classic coverage. Especially with Sid`s streak, it`s been nothing but CrosbyOviCrosbyOviCrosviOvbyCrovsbiAlidSidlex for a solid 2 months.
By the bye, I move that we refer to Crosby and Ovi as Sidlex, in true celebrity couple tradition. What do you say? No?
Literally half of NHL.com`s Top Headlines are about the Classic.
How many references to the Winter Classic can you count kids?
Personally, this is heaven minus the virgins, but I almost feel bad for fans of the other 93% of the teams that are getting like 2% of the coverage. Not really though. Baha, sucks to be those fuckers.
Well, as sad as it makes me that Crosby's point streak was snapped, his 2 point-per-game pace will be some comfort. TSN just informed me that he doubled Ovi's production during the streak. Ovi had 6 goals and 25 points to Sid's 26 and 50. Mumzy always said that taking pleasure in other peoples' suffering is a bad thing, but I'm not convinced. This makes me so happy I could light shit on fire.
Atleast with the streak, Sid`s dirty pedo-stache might also die.
Look at him. He looks genuinely surprised and upset that I hate his muzzy. But I guess if I had facial hair that I honestly believed had gifted me with 50 points, I would love and protect it just like Sid does.
In other Crosby news (is there any other kind), someone has once again decided to give him a useless piece of hardware. Our boy is now the Canadian Press Male Athelete of the Year. No one cares, including Sid I assume, but it is a thing that happened, so I figured you good people should know about it.
Also this thing happened. Go look now. I don`t know WHY it happened, but it did. If I were a Capital, I would be filled with so much confidence knowing that my captain could ass rape nesting dolls with ease. What a champ. And Zoe already pointed out his other excellent leadership abilities on Friday. When Ovechkin goes to the locker room, he does the extremely useful activity that is sitting in the corner and saying, "fucking crossbar." Champ. The Caps are truly blessed.
I understand him shooting at Russian dolls, that`s almost clever, but is the dressing really necessary? Really that just seems weird to me. Maybe Ovi is losing it. Note Exibit B. Look now! Like Ovechkin wasn`t hideous enough. I wonder if he was jealous of Crosby`s bitchin Lady Tickler. I think he probably just tried to eat the eye black though.
Well thanks for this awesome play date kiddies. See you on the playground.
Go Pens
Rick DiPietro closed the door in the shootout and sort of in general, in order to fulfill his dream of being gang raped by his teammates at center ice in front of thousands of unsuspecting fans.
unf
Evgeni Malkin was reportedly unshaken by the incident. Rumor has it that everyone thinks DiPietro is an "instant section 8."
Stunning press work again by the drooling photographers of Nassau Coliseum. The Sid Streak ends at 25.
I'd recap this, but really? Pens have to get their minds right for the Classic, and so do we.
I will bring you a thoughtful analysis of episode 3 of 24/7 tomorrow, once I watch it in all of its high-def glory. In addition to the recap of 24/7 PH will also be providing you with a New Year's Eve/Day Survival Kit shopping list.
Parenteau's on our shit list, btw. Just ask Chris what's up.
We're not fighting for freedom, we're fighting for poontang.
see you outside.
GO PENS, bitches.
Games against Atlanta have a way of getting nasty, and/or bizarre. But the Pens are just on another level right now. That many penalties, you should lose. We barely noticed the Pens were shorthanded. Not something you can do every night, but a neat trick if you can pull it off.
Oh, and, Sid:
25 straight games with the streak. 4 points tonight. nbd. mustache.
MOMENT YOU BUSTED OUT THE CURBSTOMPING BOOTS
Fleury stood on his head to start the game, but Evander Kane decided it was his god-given right to score.
It was not. Tang made an unreal play to Crosby on the power play to reiterate this fact.
1-1
MOMENT YOU WERE ALONE IN AN UNCARING UNIVERSE
When lardass buried it during an extended power play sequence. Steiggy and Errey basically willed this to happen by talking about his fatness and his "heavy" shot. Heavy like cream.
2-1 Thrashers. No use crying.
Then Goligoski hooks Byfuglien and it feels like a disaster.
But the kill is huge. Meanwhile, back at the ranch:
MOMENT YOUR SOUL BROKE
Crosby splits the D. Pwns pavelec. Thorburn stunned.
2-2, thank god
MOST CONNECTIONS
Bob Errey starts the 2nd telling us all about how he was just texting Paul Coffey, something about how great it all was. Meanwhile, Kane is making his own legacy:
4 on 4 happens later, with Sid and Malkin hooking up to make a bajillion chances. Tang misses the net on what was perhaps the most open shot ever without being a breakaway. But nothing happens.
Pens are going to end up killing a penalty when the dangerous Eric Boulton gets his team going and the line draws a penalty.
With Cooke destroying lives in order to touch the puck, Adams drives down off the bench, and gets the puck all alone in front of Pavelec. Boooooooooooom.
A Craig Adams goal usually means you're in the clear.
We're well-connected.
GOAL THAT LOOKED LIKE SID'S BUT WASN'T
Early in the third, Sid chips a puck in front. Kunitz gets a stick on it. Goal.
If you're keeping track, that's: shit, we don't even know.
PUCK HUFFERS GOAL OF THE YEAR AWARD
Mark Letestu and the Rape of Alexander Burmistrov
sit down
and shut up.
that's right.
Seriously, Burmistrov was just chilling, and Letestu decided it was time for him to die. And the death bred a goal, and the goal bred a million babies.
More pregnant every time we watch it.
OTHER GOAL THAT LOOKED LIKE SID'S BUT WASN'T
Sid takes a slapper from center point. Cooke deflects it. 6-2 Pens.
Eric Boulton continued his tear of scoring danger by getting yet another goal, making it 6-3.
'nother day at the office. Pens win.
Sorry for the jobber recap, but it's after 1AM, I haven't slept properly in ages, and I really need a shower.
INDIVIDUAL AWARDS
FATTEST FUCK AWARD
this one
go penssssssssssssss
