Sometimes it takes looking at the standings and really mulling over the talents of your team to realize that you have been a total disapproving father.
I mean, we're doing well.
Really well.
We're playing like heroes most of the time, but there's still a lot left to be desired. Our D can look soff, we have some dead weight hanging out on the team, and our goaltending is spotty.
But then a team like the Leafs roll around and we remember - oh. 
Maybe we're the dad that's slowly chewing his bran over breakfast and looking over his glasses at our kid because he got a B+ when we wanted to see an A. It's not even finals time yet. 
But still. Just like dad, it's only because we see your potential, boys. 
We know what you're doing is good.
We're just saying...it could be better.

So welcome to the disapproving father awards show. 
It's never enough for us, guys. 
We just do it to keep you fighting harder.
(And obvs, you are playing only for our approval. RIGHT?)

THE "I SHOWED UP TO YOUR LITTLE LEAGUE GAME. WHERE WERE YOU" AWARD
Listen, sons.
I work all day in what is essentially a holding cell with fluorescent lighting. You think waterboarding sounds bad? Try listening to Toni-with-an-i talk about his IBS all fucking day just so I can come home to hear Kris slam his bedroom door because your mother bought the wrong flavor of poptarts.
And, you know, I wouldn't miss one of your games, because I love watching you boys play, it looks like you're having a lot of fun out there. 
But I would appreciate it if you could at least capitalize on some of your chances when I make the effort to get there on time. This team shouldn't make you try so hard - this is basically a scrimmage. 
I don't like sitting here for the first 20 minutes and feeling like you aren't even trying that hard.
What's that, Sidney?
You'll do better next period?
Don't be a brown noser, son. We'll see how it goes.

THE "SIT DOWN, WE NEED TO HAVE A TALK" AWARD
What exactly is it about this Scrivens boy?
I watched you out there at least a hundred times trying to get that puck past him, and nothing.

Didn't he go to school to be a hotel maid or something?
And here I thought I just had to worry about your bothers back in defense and now this Kosta kid is giving you guff in front of their net?  

I saw that Johnny Liles down in your end, and he seemed to be shooting it just fine at your net. Yes, Marc, we'll see about that juice box if you can keep it up. 

THE "I'M NOT MAD, JUST DISAPPOINTED" AWARD
Marc, you see? I offer you one little thing and you get all lost in your head and Bozak goes and gets it around you.

Don't you snicker at him, Kris and Brooks, I saw you there too. What were you doing?

I just don't think we're going to be able to make it to Chuck E Cheese after this. We're going to have to watch some videos to remind you what this is supposed to look like. 
No, Tyler, not tonight. Maybe when you look a little better out there.
That's enough, you guys.
Marc, stop crying. It's just juice. 
My father didn't even let us have juice when we were kids.

THE "ALL I HEAR ARE EXCUSES" AWARD
Sure, Beau. Sure. 
Blame it on the ref blowing the whistle too soon.
From what I can tell, you've had almost 40 minutes to score. One blown whistle doesn't explain that goose egg.

THE "WHOLE LOTTA TALK" AWARD
Like grandpa always told you, "almost only counts in horseshoes." Last I checked I didn't come all the way down here in my work clothes to bring you your backup stick before the game for a horseshoes game.
Marc, you, on the other hand, were using your head when you covered the net there. But the puck still sailed just past, and there's a whole 'nother 12 minutes left here, so don't start counting on that juice just yet. 
You better give a talk to your brothers about trying a little harder up front, too.
You have to inspire them, too, you know, Marc. 
You have more than a net to protect.

THE "BETTER THAN NOTHIN'" AWARD
Sidney, Chris, Pascal, listen.
You're not going to get anywhere in life being showoffs. 

Good hustle. And I mean that. 
But let's make sure we remember the score up there.

THE "NOT BAD, SON" AWARD
Marc!
When that Leo guy was rushing towards you I was sure it was going to get ugly out there, but I'll be damned if you didn't prove me wrong this one time.
No, Brooks, you do not get "brownie points" for breaking your stick out there and letting that breakaway happen.
Straight to bed when we get home for even talking like that.

THE "WHAT I'M SAYING IS..." AWARD
Sidney, Chris, Pascal, I'm really not going to mention this again.
Your mother and I are very proud of you. Chris, that pass was uhh...*scratch back of neck* pretty good. And Pascal, you really found it there and...you know. What I'm saying is you guys did a good job.

Remember, though, you don't have to get all cocky. It's not like you have the Cup in your hands or anything. It was just a good play.

THE "WELL, KEEP IT UP" AWARD
Brooks, remember what I said about going to bed when we get home?
Their net was empty, there's no reason to act like a damned fool and get them yet another attacker up on you.
But...Craig, you can get that magazine at the gas station you were lookin' at on the way over for getting it in shorthanded.
That was a pretty okay clear, all things considered.
Good aim, son.

Better late than never. I guess we can go to Chuck E Cheese, you guys. Well, ask your mother first. And don't none of yinz guys get any of them orange peels in my truck tonight, or we're going straight home. 
Marc, don't you open that juice until we get home.

PENS WIN, 3-1

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

"WE NEED TO HAVE A TALK ABOUT WHAT YOUR MOTHER FOUND IN YOUR ROOM"

"ENOUGH HORSIN' AROUND OUT THERE"


ALT THREE STARS
We like you all the same, now go to bed.

It's tough love. But it's love.
Deep, overflowing, sometimes painful love.
What a game.
What a return to being a THIRD PERIOD TEAM of late.
What a team.
Of course, GO PENS.

Steigerwald has set the tone early by calling Chris Kunitz "one of the hottest guys in the world."
And I don't want to think about such rhetoric because I, friends, have a stake in this game beyond the usual: I work in Boston, and for the first time in my life I work in an office with people who care about Boston sports. I want my entry to be triumphant. I wanna tell my boss YEAH I WATCHED THE BRUINS LAST NIGHT. . .WATCHED THEM LOSE. (Chirping is hard.) (So is living in Boston.)

This was the "measurement stick" game.  i.e. can the Pens really play with the big boys?
The Bruins, for "big boys", means defense.
We don't advocate trying to get all your goals later or anything, but the Pens stuck with their tenets throughout 60 minutes.  They didn't quit or get frustrated.  They didn't bitch about a damn thing.  They just put their heads down and worked because they knew they could win.  Good teams do that.  And Brandon Sutter is about as clutch as they come.

BIGGEST PROMISE BROKEN
The Pens start out of the gate with a lot of shots on the Bruins' #2, Khudobin. Letang makes some amazing play that ends with the Pens taking a too many men penalty.
Chara rings one off the pipe and in.

Well, that went well.
0-1

Bruins look aggressive. It's very funny how toughness is like this Boston Thing when the toughest thing you find around TD Garden is a bunch of insufferable bros wondering why the bar doesn't have Miller Lite cans and yelling about it. The Bruins are pretty tough though.

MOST HEARTS BROKEN
Everyone touches themselves for like 10 minutes. Pens forget to pick up Seguin who camps out in front of Fleury as if it is a perfect patch of flat ground for his tent. Easy goal. Everyone is drowning in vomit.

Tyler this is not a pleasure campground YOU ARE AT WORK

What a mess. Khudobin looks easily rattled but ain't no one getting pucks to him at this rate.
Enough time passes though that Anton may have found his sac. We could be doomed. We could be going down with the ship.

MOMENT YOU STOPPED BREATHING
Bennett steals a puck behind the net and gives it to Neal who is all alone in front. When he can't bury that you realize it's one of those nights. You know the ones. Where you had too much to drink and you end up at some diner, on the verge of tears, greasy-haired and in an ill-fitting dress. YOU KNOW THE ONES, DON'T YOU, PITTSBURGH PENGUINS?
The Pens hitch up their black pantyhose and force Ference to shoot it over the glass. BIG DEAL. nothing happens. still sobbing
Sid is covered in a sheen of sweat in honor of this moment:

and to top it off, there's an intermission feature on PROSTATE CANCER with this amazing presentation board


SLOPPIEST SCENE IN THE CORNER AKA PERIOD TWO
The Bruins are possibly gearing up to put nails in the coffin when they take an offensive zone penalty because that's what they do. This is going to be nasty. Bruins PK is like drinking battery acid.

dicks dicks dicks
Like making it home from the bar and finding most of a leftover pizza in the fridge, the Pens start generating some more quality chances. Not that we want to vomit it up the next morning or anything.
Nothin' yet. Horrible period, better than the first in that we didn't get scored on like a bunch of dicks but worse in that the Pens didn't play bad but couldn't get anything done.
Now I really don't want to go to work.

MOMENT YOU GOT IN BED WITH A WATER BOTTLE AND RITZ CRACKERS
Early third period, Bruins take some lame penalty.
Pens are swarming. Khudobin high sticks someone, though. A minute of 5 on 3. Pens don't score on either of those. Then they take one of their own for funsies. Absolutely nothing doing.
In a complete freak glitch of the Bruins' God Mode, Adams and Cooke get a shorthanded 2 on 1. Khudobin's balls are in a safe deposit box somewhere in the South Hills and he makes the save.
Commercial break or two later and you're basically feeling like it's over.

BUT THEN: THE KUNITZ JESUS APPEARS
Pens just kept working.  Kunitz put a good shot on net.  One of them finally goes in.  The game suddenly has opened up in a big way.  Funny how that happens.  One minute you're drowning and the next it's a pond in a sylvan glen.

less than a minute later, Bennett, Neal, and Sutter are on a rush together.  Sutter with a wristshot.  man
all of a sudden it was 2-2.

no one knew it, but we do have it in us.

The game is wide open now. Sid is on the ice whenever he gets a chance, smelling blood, blood we didn't know we even had left.
Sid muscles his way through the neutral zone somehow and tries to take the puck deep, but Seidenberg is going to take it the other way. Except that Brandon Sutter has just come off the bench to start a change and he's had enough of that shit. Sid skates up and he and Sutter create a kind of reverse 2 on 1 that catches Johnny Boychuk and Khudobin by surprise.
Sutter's got swagger he ain't going to pass that. He's feelin it.

best pic of the season so far, by a mile.  look at their faces.  look at that crowd.
at 17:57 of the third, we are burning this bitch to the ground.
 

eight thousand shots of this moment

BOOOOOOOOOOOOM

3-2

Bruins flurry a bit to try to get back, but in the end, it really was that fucking fast to turn a boring trap-fest and quicksand kind of game into an extremely memorable win. And to get pregnant with Brandon Sutter's twins.
Oh and I can go to the office in the morning. Free as a bird. When my bosses ask me if I saw that game last night I will smile and say, "Yes."
So should we all.

~~PENS WIN~~

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS
 

MOST OMINOUS

MOST LIKELY TO RECEIVE ORAL SEX LATER

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS

1. tanger had 8 shots

2. Mark Eaton with 13 quiet minutes of bliss

3. the prettiest smiles

there is no hell

only fire

We are so sick of the Isles. 
Anyway, welcome to the part of hockey season wherein the games start while it's still light outside!
It's pretty sick nasty. 
We feel good, but we're in a weakened state after the stress of last night's game. PLEASE take it easy on us boys.

MOST UNRESPONSIVE TO KIND REQUESTS
Tavaras and Inc. get way too many chances in the first few minutes. Or D looks soff like cheese.
Our breathing is already labored and we don't know why this is happening to us. WE USED THE MAGIC WORD.
Luckily it must have been a daylight savings issue, because we have it back on their end in no time. Dupes gets a sick chance off of a pass from Sid, but no dice. For some reason that can't be explained by science, this leads to 2 minutes of 4 on 4. 
Kunitz gets miles of net to work with, but Nabby punches him and takes his lunch money instead. 
Another heart attack night it is.

LEAST EXPECTED
Dupes shoots the craziest bad angle shot we've seen in forever.
It's like he stole it right out of TK's brain.
It gets a bounce off of the post, off Nabby and finally right into the goal. 
We're kind of stunned. 

The +/- statistics are amazing to stare at right now, btw. Try it out.

GREATEST OPPORTUNITY SEIZED
Boyes trips TK and ends up in the box.
Hamonic thinks it'd be fun to crosscheck the hell outta James Neal because he's being pissy. 
Put hey, that means a huge 5-on-3 chance. 
 Letang does a desperation move and whacks the puck outta the air with his stick to keep it in, and it pays off something insane.
Kunitz, who is really just a superstar when paired with James and Sid, takes advantage of the awesome keep and sends it home.

We want to cry happy tears for capitalizing.

MOST CONFUSED 
The Isles get a delay of game. Hamonic refuses to get in the box, preferring to skate around the ice yelling at people like an ass. He's actually right - Macdonald is the one that slapped the puck.

It takes an embarrassingly long amount of time to sort it out. Macdonald goes in yelling - we have to wonder why he wouldn't just fess up? 
Just reminds us how happy we are that our team is in love.
Doesn't matter anyway.
It takes SECONDS for Kunitz to net his second goal.

Even strength once more. Let's hope the officials remember how to do their jobs by the next penalty.

BIGGEST JINX
By halfway through the second period, the only thing that has happened is a lot of shit talk directed at the Isles. They went about 19 minutes with one shot. Steiggy and Bobby are talking about how invisible they are. You should know better, everyone.
Save your hardcore trash talk for after the game.

19 minutes with one shots means a cold goalie.
So when Despres does a total botch job on a 2-on-2 and the Isles sail one into the net, it's surprising, sure but...well, there was a bad feeling about the whole thing.
Shortly after, a puck goes in as the net goes off the moorings. No dice for the Isles, but it was too close for comfort. Momentum shifting?
Let's hope not.

BEST ANSWERS
Kunitz eases your mind when he catches a Tanger rebound and slams it into the net.
You know what that meanssss.

Also, sock monkey night. So there were lots of those.

And just in case your heart wasn't already in your throat, James Neal - not to be shown up - gets out onto the ice and immediately gets a breakaway and puts it in the net like it's nbd whatsoever. 

Nabby gets benched. 

OLDEST FRIEND
The Isles go up on the PP, which was bound to happen eventually.
Brooks becomes the talk of the town when he lands a huge hit on Tavaras in front of the net. It isn't the first big hit in front of the net tonight from Mr. Orpik, but it highlighted just how much better he is looking in this game. We've missed that ask-questions-later attitude. 
We're so happy that it's back we could cry.
Stick around, old buddy. 
We could get stuff done like this.

MOST UNPREDICTABLE SITUATION
This award certainly doesn't go to Dupes and his crazy goal that just made you sigh "oh my god" because you can't believe how great your life is today. 

We're already hoping for the hattie.
The real unpredictable thing here is WHO EVER THOUGHT that Dupes and Kunitz would be THIS GOOD with Sid? Tell us about it in 2009 when you happen by a time machine. We'll be stunned.
Not to say everyone hasn't always loved them.
But MAN. Who knew this magic was lurking just under the surface?
Everyone is yukking it up together on the bench. Something is hilarious. BoBo is grinning like he is having the best time of his life. 

Everything feels so good that you can't force yourself to be upset that we're in the box and need to pull a PK. Especially not when 30 Dicks throws himself down in front of a puck for his country. Oh, and then of course, we get to go on the PP.
Lolz.

MOST FUTILE
Nothing much happens for the rest of the period, until the last minute when the Isles once again goes on the PK. 
Who cares?
We would, if it was a penalty born of complacency. But nope, just a normal ol call. We played like we were in it to win it until the final buzzer.


6-1
Pens win.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

MOST AWESOME HOCKEY CYBORG BUILT BY SCIENCE
Sid, duh.
Oh captain, my captain.
He had his hand in all da goals. He has points falling out of his sweater. 
This man is crazy on fire. Not like there's a time he isn't.
But...man.

ALT THREE STARS
1. Eats - we saw that glimmer of Cup Prime you tonight. Feel your way back to it. We'll give you space to remember your potential.
2.Brooks - You've had time to remember your potential. Way to act on it tonight. Keep it up
3. BoBo - because we're jealous of how much fun he's having.

Wicked crazy game. Fun to watch. We stayed hungry and it paid off.
We are hot hot hot. 
The future is an exciting place, but tonight was an awesome stop along the way.
Go Pens. 

Evgeni and Ilya Kovalchuk are in some Russian "children's film." We have no context for what it is about because we do not speak Russian but it appears to involve some girl in a blue dress whose breasts are supposed to be interesting, a small child, a gun, gangsters potentially, and Ilya Kovalchuk in some amazing wardrobe, and Gene being adorable. If any Russian-speakers can provide info I'm sure the wider community would thank you eternally.

Also hi, our first non-recap post in forever. Yes this was that important.

So the Penguins are in Toronto which is the kind of thing that usually gives us seizures.
Sid is in Air Canada Centre for the first time since 2010.
God, this could be either the most beautiful or the most ugly thing to ever happen.

LEAST TIME TAKEN TO GET READY FOR PROM
It has all the makings of a magical spring night.
Tomas is fixing MAF's hair before his date arrives.

Pens won an innocent looking faceoff really early on. Shot from the point was blocked. Somehow it came to Neal, who put on a routine shot.

And the room falls to a hush. It's possibly that Reimer's gown alteration has come back botched. But at least a few of us are ready for the dance early.

DARKEST QUESTIONS
As the game starts settling in a bit, Reimer's glitz gown is fitting better and we begin asking ourselves idle questions.
Like why is Joey V scratched all the time?
It's easy to ask ourselves such spoiled questions. Sid takes a couple bloodthirsty shifts. A "GO LEAFS GO" chant gently tries to get started but fades away. Go. . .to where, Leafs? to where?
Well, not to the penalty box, because the Leafs manage to fool Beau into taking a silly penalty.
Leafs get a PP goal.
No photos of the goal exist yet for some reason. Probably in protest.
James van Riemsdyk, the Dutch Ghost
No idea why our PK is such dicks.
But another dark question for the Dark Question Books.

LEAST COORDINATION
Pens skate out the Effigy Team for the PP but yet some asshole named Kotska still manages to put it over the glass. Of course no one scores on the 5 on 3. Of course the leafs keep being aggressive. Pens again look unprepared for a team that is actually going to get in their faces and prevent them from slow dancing with everyone's girlfriends.
TK gets power play time. God help us.
Everyone is apparently excited about the possibility of an Engelland-Orr fight when really we just want some vodka and some goals. (We are like Geno in this way.)

MOST PUNCH CONSUMED AT THE CONCESSION TABLE

Donations are being taken at the snacks and punch table for the local 4-H. Reimer can't get enough of that punch with the sherbet in it. Gets himself waaay off to one side of the net, but Sid is streaking down the wing and puts it basically into an empty net.


no idea why everyone lokos so enthused 2-1

Then Malkin starts some kind of insane rush. Paul Martin gets it to the net going kinda deep. Everyone thinks Beau put it in but really it was an own goal for the Leafs.
Demoralizing.

DUDE BRO GUNNARSSON WHY ARE YOU EVEN MAD BRO
Everyone adjourns for cookies to drown their sorrows.
But who is going to win the raffle drawing for the Ford Mustang?

MOST STOLEN PROM DATE

Sid is stolen from CBC for first intermission.
There's gonna be a fight in the parking lot for sure.

WEIRDEST PARANOIA
This is why we hate the Leafs.
Because they hate boats.
PH staff is all about boats.

Have the Leafs ever actually burned a boat? Let's be honest. Maybe Hal Gill.

MOST HORROR AFTER CALM
Dan Bylsma uses his timeout after an icing. We see this as a confidence move in a 3-1 hockey game. Not too confident. But a little. Leafs don't score on that sequence so we can uphold it as a good move.
Things start picking up for the Leafs, though. Crosby accidentally trips Kadri so this is about to be a hot mess.

nightmares
Franson and JVR
Pens can't kill a fucking penalty.
MAF with an elite save a few sequences later to keep the Pens in it.

MOMENTS THAT CANCELLED EACH OTHER OUT
Dupes gets a squeaker in on Reimer.

No one was paying attention so Clarke MacArthur whipped his dick out and scored his 5380948302nd goal against the Pens in his career.


We were all excited, but then we weren't.
Apparently the Toronto goal song is the Harlem Shake? We probably can't hear it over the sounds of Leafs fans' delusions.

HIDDEN MELTDOWN OF THE NIGHT
Gunnarsson is having a rough night. Own goal, chops Malkin's stick and getting sent to the bathroom with a nip of Schnapps.
If only we could take advantage of his fragile mental state.
Special teams are apparently an issue.

At least we make it out of the period alive-ish.

MOST DECEPTIVE PERIOD
The second intermission kind of left you feeling like something big was going to happen. And there were chances for that, to a degree, in the former half of the period. Just nothing was actually happening.
Plot twist: The Pens get a PP. Nothing happens.
The Leafs get a PP, the entire Pens fan base can't breathe.
Despres goes for a shorty when he gets wide open on the PK from the center point. My oh my.
One of those games where you feel like you're losing even when you have the lead.
And then we all get caught smoking cigarettes behind the gym. Malkin gets hit real nasty by JVR.
Then Kessel scores. mother of god.
It's 4-4

Next sequence Crosby gets upended by Grabovski. Apparently he's fine. But jesus christ we all held our breaths for his perfect head.
Everyone might be okay.

But we're going to overtime so looks like prom is going to go all night.

DIRTIEST BACKSEAT OF A HONDA
Leafs fans screaming for penalties in OT. Malkin isn't taking any shifts. Each team still trades terrifying chances.
Sidney Crosby does like 3 unbelievable things that don't lead to a goal.
We are forced to go to a shootout at the scenic overlook.

Bozak first for Toronto. MAF in his mouth (sounds waaay worse with the backseat of the Honda metaphor). Nope.
Neal makes Reimer his bitch. 1-0

Kadri approaches. Insane toe save.

Sid can end it.
He does, of course. Sid is the only one to score on prom night. And yes, he used protection.

shootout ends 2-0 Pens.  Reimer wtf

PENS WIN
canada sucks

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

MOST LIKELY TO GET KICKED OFF THE DANCE FLOOR FOR INAPPROPRIATE PHYSICAL CONTACT

Sid and Dion

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Pascal Dupuis - because he made shit happen and also I got his jersey in the mail today smelling of burned rubber and China and also six shots.
2. KTang - 30 minutes jesus bb you need a massage
3. Kostka's hair - we're semi terrified of it, why didn't he get a haircut before the most important night of his life so far?

Entertaining game. Doesn't mean we don't fear for our lives. Islanders tomorrow. eeesh

Philadelphia.
All of the jokes have been made, so just pick your favorite and insert it here.
Every game we play against the Flyers is a chance to get revenge for the PTSD living there imparted upon me.
Also, I should stop doing intros last, because I am always too drunk by this time to care.
Text text text text.
Onto the awards!
(This post is like the Memento of sobriety.)

MOST JARRING
There's a lot of stuff going on  in this game for a long ass time, but nothing that REALLY MATTERS.

Some chances get close for both teams. The arena is largely quiet.
You start wondering how much a half hog would be, and if you have enough freezer space for one. Would you get sausage or ground pork?
OH WAIT
HOCKEY IS HAPPENING

WHAT THE SHIT

SMARTEST KID IN THE CLASS
You're still hyperventilating over that last goal-
what, between all of that trash talk you did yesterday with your childhood best friend

and that bet you made with this guy

your pride, wallet, and kneecaps really couldn't take a loss - Kunitz is all "I got your back, bro!" and steps in with a quick answer.
He's not just the teacher's pet - we hear he's totally banging her.

MOMENT[S] YOU CRIED
Something terrible happens.
Well, three terrible things. Three goals.
Let us try to find a picture.


This is some bullshit.

REALEST MOMENT
Heading into first intermission 1-4 with the Flyers, in a long string of games where we are allowing SO MANY GOALS you have to shake your head and look to your friend/spouse/significant other/cat/mirror and get real.
You spill your feelings.
Our D sucks. Like. Hard.
MAF has been spotty.
Vokoun has been weak. 
We may have to ditch some guys that you deeply love if things don't get better asap.
YOU DON'T LIKE SAYING THESE THINGS BUT NOW THEY HAVE BEEN SAID.
Next, of course, it was time to turn to what could make you feel better and discuss what vices you'd be indulging in for the rest of the evening.

We're bad with coping. So sue us.
(P.S. Don't sue us.)
We wonder if pretending that we don't think we can stage a comeback will protect our feelings from getting hurt even more.
But we can't imagine a world where we don't assume that the Pens will win.

GREATEST PERIOD
We can't really break this down into individual awards, because the third period was unreal.
Also, because the increased alcohol intake made it hard to follow.
All we know is this - as shitty as the first period was for us, the second period is for Philadelphia.
And listen, Philly.
Listen.
You have Paesano's and Franklin Mortgage & Investment Co.(a killer speakeasy.)
And those things, along with some small other culinary delights, are wonderful.
But all in all, fuck ya'all. Your team is garbage, your people are disgruntled, rude, and generally moronic. Your public transit smells like piss. You keep trying to pretend like the Eagles exist.
YOU ARE LARGELY WORTHLESS.
We will almost always be happy when you are sad. 
So when we get our shit together in the second period and take it the fuck to you, it's dry eyes over here, friends.



Somehow, some magical way, we go into second intermission tied 4-4.
Fear/depression drinking quickly became celebratory/nervous drinking.
We'll take it.

MOMENT GOD STIRRED IN HIS GRAVE
When, in the third, all that good luck boozin' paid off and Kunitz banged the teacher again.

Oh, and then the Flyers pretended to score but the refs were like LOL NO SORRY P.S. ORANGE ISN'T ANYONE'S COLOR.

Oh, and then we win.

5-4 PENS WIN
SUCK IT, PHILLY

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

MVC

Srsly, coached the shit out of those boys,

MOST LOYAL PITTSBURGH FAN
We checked.
Max Talbot still owns his house in PGH.
Is he dreaming of the future?
Only if you take the gumball machine prize you're worth as a salary, dude.

ALT THREE STARS
1. TK- Put the love back in their hearts, boy.
2. Kunitz - Greatest. Looks amazing.
3. BoBo - Zoe had a nightmare that he got traded. She's never going to sleep again.

Dance the night away and tweet it into the faces of every single person you know in Philadelphia.
Try to forget how many goals we're allowing.
Sleep it off.
We'll worry about it later.
Go Pens.

All kinds of drama leading up to this game.
Malkin is back from his concussion. Praise Curry.
Beau Bennett was suddenly demoted most likely to make roster space since Zach Boychuk is taking up space on the roster on waivers until noon tomorrow.
Sorry Zach we adored your energy but it Just Wasn't Happening.
SPEAKING OF ENERGY: we more or less agree with The Pensblog's take on why TK is even allowed to play anymore. We're not on the "fire/trade anyone" bandwagon at the moment, mostly because we try to remain as objective as diehard, irreverent Penguins fans can be, and also because we don't believe we can do anything better than Rejean Shero except possibly birth children, drink bourbon, and host a dinner party (really he strikes us as more of a gin type, right?). But the coaching situation could do with a good long look in the mirror and maybe some illegal street boxing to get their dander up.

And man, Brother fucking Steven and Co. is here again.
Okay fine. Fine.

BLESSING IN MOST EXTENSIVE DISGUISE
This game is a very slow start. Everyone is just gently farting around.
James and Brandon get some almost-chances but if anyone has gotten a puck on net in a serious way that'd be news to us.
Then Malkin's line has a fucking three on two and Engelland fought someone whose name is literally Pierre-Cedric Labrie. Way to screw that up, guys.

There's an offensive zone faceoff after that, though. Kunitz gets set up by Sid as Brother Steven is trying to initiate the Bible-camp team-building exercise. Kunitz with the one-timer. He doesn't miss. We'd like to say that Engo meant to do that but we can't exactly.
1-0
Dog dick happens until Fleury has to make some big time saves on Stamkos and Conacher.

MOST OMINOUS SOUNDS
Kris Letang hits the pipe after a sequence where the Pens were trapped in their own zone for a long time. Somehow the Lightning manage to both not score and take a penalty. Remind you of another high-scoring team you know?
Keith Aulie interfered with someone after the pipe happened because everyone was scared. Damn.
The crowd wants this real bad, they're going "ohhhh" and Steiggy is talking about how Crosby is "aware" of Brother Steven--ONE WOULD HOPE SO. PP looks like it wants blood but fizzles pretty quickly. Welp that's the end of that eh boys. Somehow Tyler Kennedy is given a shift. Crombeen gets free, makes some unrealistic move, and hits the post himself. We wouldn't be surprised if he sabotaged the trust fall at Bible camp, either.

When we come back from commercial it's 4 on 4. No one explains the issue.
Let's be honest, would you be wholly surprised if the Pens had a defensive breakdown in the last 10 seconds and allowed a goal?
But they don't. Exhale.
Kunitz squints into the distance at intermission, attempting to see the future.


MOMENT THAT GUNSLINGERS ENTERED THE WOODED GLEN
On the Pens PP Mathieu Garon gets hurt somehow. Shit.
Was making the most unreal saves ever on the Pens advantage. Anders Lindback has to come in.

literally two seconds later Hedman begins a rush and Stamkos scores a goal.
The fuck.


The next several minutes are an exercise in hanging on to hope. Except not.
The Egregious Elk floats one in.

Are we done with this period yet because seriously. Apparently it went off of Pyatt's face which is why no one looks thrilled about it. what a mess.

BIGGEST FIRE SALE ON REDEMPTION
Crosby draws another penalty. Someone could score on this. The redemption is everywhere and at drastically lowered prices. Gobs of it. But they don't score.
Crosby's line is in your vag (yeah we went there) making moves, but nothing doing with that either.
Malkin does some unreal moves to get through everyone, except the eight people in the paint. Not scoring on that either.
Is anyone going to do anything ever?
Letang symbolically taps Adam Hall's butt over and over again, as if some kind of secret pattern or involuntary twitch, without motivation or cause.
Gauging the mood of the team by the intermission interview is always really fun.
Sid has his best I-look-amiable-but-really-I'm-plotting-murder face on.

So maybe this will be interesting.

DEEPEST BUNKER
Nisky interferes with someone i.e. takes them down by the face with his hand. Not cool. Not cool at all. Crucial kill. Engo is in the trenches smoking his last cigarette in the rain. This Christian retreat has taken a terrible turn.
Fleury unreal save at the end of the PP. It's over. Or is it? Orpik is hurt, Lecavalier railroaded him. Things aren't looking so good. Why aren't they blowing the whistle? No one knows.
Gene shows up. Takes the puck from brewer. Makes some unbelievable move to avoid everyone who is diving in his path. Absolutely brutalizes Lindback. Oh my sweet word.

You're too busy trying to come down from your orgasm when Sid catches Stamkos doing nothing with the puck in the offensive zone and takes it ahead himself. Pass to Letang. Letang takes it wide around Lightning defenders trying to block his shot. Sid somehow manages to go unchecked. Around the other side of the net, Letang sees him wide open. Pass. Snipe. We all died. We literally all died.

The rest of the period is an exercise in keeping the bunker safe.
Just constantly clearing the puck. Forcing it back out to center.
Malkin handed it to Neal for the empty net.

"GUYS WE DID IT"
We're not sure when Bible camp will reopen.
It could be awhile. There's a lot of bullet holes in the cabin walls.
For once, the Pens didn't play like total ass and be the team to snap some other people's losing streak. Oh but they did let Brother Steven score another goal at the end. What the fuck was with that.
4-3

This game was bizarre. Glad Crosby and Malkin can feast on dark matter to come up with beautiful highlight reel goals that make us weep and hug ourselves.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

SEAN COURTURIER MEMORIAL TROPHY
This is our special trophy for rookies who are/think they are/are touted to be hot shit.
It's for you, Conacher. All for you.
Also apparently is a Type 1 diabetic and must wear an insulin pump during the hockey game. (Interesting tidbit from Steigerwald somehow.) Thaaaat must be fucking weird. Power to you Conacher.
Good job Conacher. We don't seethe for you as much as we seethed for Courturier his rookie year but you have a similar-ish rookie spirits.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. The person who took this pic of Sid scoring his goal because holy fuck it is amazing

2. Chris Kunitz, silent monster
3. Ryan Malone

we miss you kinda
but you play for Tampa, so.

we look forward to being reunited with Beau and getting to the bottom of the Bible camp massacre

GO PENS etc.

Never again.
Never again.
Never again.
Something clearly needs to be done. We cannot be giving up this many goals this often. We're going to stop protecting the people that we love deep down, because maybe they are not the best for our team right now. The team is more important than the individuals.
So, you know.
Maybe we'll be okay with it if some changes are made and some of our jerseys have to be hung in the "jersey retirement" corners of our closets. There's room for new jerseys, just like there's room for new banners in the arena's rafters. 
This was a win, yeah, but also a rude awakening. 

Let's get down to it.

MOST DICKS
Sorry to be crass (nope) but this is historic. If you don't recall, several years ago PH staff made a religious voyage to Wilmington, Delaware, in order to apologize to Mark "30 Dicks" Eaton. We love him.
You can read about it here.

There's gotta be at least 5 under those shoulder pads. 

We feel naked without Paul Martin. Hopefully T.Dicks will cover us. 
WE ARE SO EXCITED TO FIND OUT.

MOST COMPELLING ARGUMENT TO LIGHT A CITRONELLA CANDLE
Some terrible thing happens and we don't want to talk about it. 
But has anyone else noticed that the Habs goal horn sounds like a mosquito?

Apropos. 

STRESS-IEST
There is this terrifying moment where BoBo gets the puck and he shoots it and then there is open net space and everyone is like huglugluglug CAN SOMEONE TOUCH THE PUCK OR SOMETHING OH MY GOD.

It's fast as hell out there, and the loose pucks in front of both nets have us foaming at the mouths. 

Brooks clearly hasn't shed blood recently. He needs to get the glory back.
Insert Dexter joke here.

We're tired. Do our job for us please? 

Despres is working the corner as hard as your mom. It would warm your heart if it hadn't been robbed from you through years of abandonment issues. 
This game is clearly a stress headache yearning to happen.

SEXIEST
We go up on the power play, finally, because something really needs to happen.

Without Gene and PaulMart, we feel super empty on the inside. Our PP unit looks anemic. Except, not really.

Suttsy gets a bitchin' rebound and sends it into a wide open net. Is it just us or does it look like they are taking a selfie?
We...*cough* really, REALLY *loosen shirt collar*...like Mr. Sutter.

Dupes does NOTHING and gets a penalty. 
It's a total even-up. We have some suggestions for Brooks on his journey to get back in the mood. 
The mood... for murder.

After saying it, I assumed it would exist. It did.
Luckily the period ends. A good ole snakebite can do wonders.

WEAKEST VENOM
Unfortunately, while the snakebite works in our favor, the Habs have it in our net in no time anyway. Five into the second, and our defense (we aren't pointing fingers, Brooks, we promise) shits itself. The puck finds itself nestled comfortably in the corner of the net.

Ewwww.

BEST REPELLANT
But then! Crosby sends one to Kunitz from the back of the Habs net, and Kunitz shoves it in, refusing to take no for an answer. It's super satisfying.

(Before you get all uppity about DEET, spend a night in August at Little Talbot Island in Florida. Mosquito hell is real, and PH staff stayed two nights there just because they think anything that reminds them of Max Talbot is hilarious.)

Then, Brooks does something right, thank god, because we don't want to have reasons to hate him, and it ends up in James Neal getting one in. 

That's two goals in a matter of moments. Suddenly we're ahead.
The Habs then give us a cherry on top with a penalty. It's beautiful.

MOST HILARIOUSLY INTERRUPTED BROADCAST
We get a million chances before Brandon Prust pretends he is fast. Letang saves us from certain disaster. We give him our first born.

It's a closed adoption. We don't want to be depressed by future hair choices.

Then, in one of the better moments of their broadcasting career, Bobby and Steiggy are making fun of how many fucking numbers the Habs have retired. It takes long enough to list them that we win the center faceoff, skate through a Habs defense that was clearly taking bonghits last intermission, and Mattie Cooke gets an unassisted goal BEFORE THE LIST IS FINISHED.

So amazing

NOT SO AMAZING
The Habs go on the PP because of TK, who is just a lightning rod for penalties these days. Vokoun ROBS the Habs, and Gallagher has his hands up in celebration before realizing the puck was in Vokoun's glove. 
The battle rages on, however, and eventually the Habs capitalize just as TK leaves the box.
Blah.

WORST TIMED GOAL
In an effort to prove that you should never get up early to go to the bathroom, and that you should NEVER assume that anything in hockey can't be done with seconds left, the Habs score with .7 seconds left in the second, leading us to a tie game.

The fanboys are deafening. 

They come back in full force early in the third, too.

Seriously, too many goals. 
This is just...
Way too many goals. 

The Oles start happening.
I will set someone's lawn on fire.

MOST EXHAUSTED
Everyone watching this game wins this award.
Kunitz hits one into the net and you don't know if you should scream or cry or cheer or all three. So you do all of the above.

It's tied AGAIN, with 11 entire minutes left, meaning SOMEONE COULD STILL COME OUT OF THIS WITH NO POINTS. Which is terrifying.

Then Sid scores.

Then this happens to your heart compliments of the Habs, for the billionth time.

Still tied. Nothing has changed. You just feel even worse.
Luckily regulation ends without anything else.

MOST SHIT TALK
The few seconds of OT before Sutter FINALLY ENDED IT.


We have never and will never say anything bad about you, sir. 
You are the fire in our loins.

INDIVIDUAL AWARD

We agree.

ALT 3 STARS
Whoever wants them - they are all over the floor and covered in salsa and tears.

THIS CAN NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN, DO YOU UNDERSTAND.
Totally soff.
But we're glad we pulled out of it at the last moment.
But still...
never again.
Go Pens. 

So yeah, Jordan and Eric Staal. This is the first game versus Jordan Staal since he was traded and we know that Steiggy and Errey and the rest of ROOT Sports will milk this for all it is worth. THE DRAMA. THE MEMORIES~~~~~
SPECIAL STAAL BROTHERS DRINKING GAME RULES NOW THAT UNCLE JORDY IS A WHALER
1. Drinking begins at puck drop.
2. So this doesn't count:

 3. It's a work night so we're playing a lite version. I have made a nasty bloody Mary and will take 2 sips for every mention of a Staal or anything Staal-related.  
4. Advanced drinkers, take a shot.
5. If a Staal or Brandon Sutter scores a goal, finish your drink or take 2 shots.

all right, everyone?

7:08 PM: JORDAN STAAL FACES OFF AGAINST BRANDON SUTTER.  A FAMILIAR SIGHT STAAL PROTECTING THE PUCK ALONG THE WALL.  THE SHOT BY STAAL.  HOLY SHIT WE'RE DEAD     PROTECTING IT WITH HIS LONG REACH     we can conflate some of these mentions into single mentions HOLY SHIT

7:10PM: ERIC STAAL WAS DUMPED.  AND KRIS LETANG DOESN'T LIKE IT

7:11PM: Chad LaRose negates the Canes PP.  omg chad you are the worst.  he approaches brooks from behind because he cannot face brooks head on.  CHAD LAROSE IS SMALL GUYS

7:12PM: Pens committed an egregious giveaway.  Fleury whipped out the pokecheck.

7:13PM: insert a rule here where you throw your drink across the room when Cam Ward tries to invite himself to our derby party

7:15PM: chad larose is on the ice.  GOTTA BE CAREFUL

7:15PM: JORDAN STAAL PLAYED WITH MATT COOKE AND TYLER KENNEDY FOR ALL THOSE YEARS

7:16PM: insert a rule here about Gordie Dwyer?

serious ginger

7:17PM: MAF in your mouth

7:20: JORDAN STAAL MARRIED HEATHER IN THUNDER BAY ONTARIO ON THE SAME DAY HE WAS TRADED TO THE HURRICANE LIVING 3 MINUTES AWAY FROM HIS BROTHER ERIC BY CAR AND STOPS OVER TO VISIT ERIC'S TWO SONS AND THEY TALK HOCKEY
really the only thing missing is the sod farm
errey mentions $60 million and can't even form words because he is laughing so hard

7:22: ERIC STAAL THINKS ALEXANDER SEMIN HAS A GREAT MIND

7:23: Joe Vitale trying to kill someone. ALSO STAAL AND STAAL DRINK AGAIN

7:24 Pens PP.  Jordy is lurking but is not mentioned.  yet

7:25: ERIC STAAL IN FRONT OF HIS OWN NET also apparently Errey thinks Cam Ward got ripped off for being born on Leap Day.  poor Cammycakes but no you still can't come to our derby party

7:25PM again: STAAAAALLLL threw it right thru the paint BUT WHICH STAAL STEIGGY

7:27PM WHAT THE FUCK TIM WALLACE IS IN THIS GAME  TIM WALLACE THE ALASKAN STORM

7:28PM sushi delivery man might have been able to tell i am already drunk

7:29PM fleury is dialed the fuck in.  CHRIS KUNITZ COMES BACK THE OTHER WAY AND SCORES IN CAM WARD'S FAVORITE SEERSUCKER JACKET
1-0 PENS
great pass from sid

7:34: pens took some penalty.  welp

7:35: eric staal killing a penalty.  drinkkk  JORDAN STAAAAL

7:37pm: crosby gently caressed tim gleason's butt also eric staal

7:38PM steiggy prob just put the jynx on fleury. let's pray otherwise.

7:41PM: Bob Errey wishes happy birthday to his mother in law, who is apparently a Pittsburgh woman.  Bobby met a Pittsburgh woman and married her.  Apparently Bibster's mother in law is a bad omen because Semin scores.  MOTHER OF GOD.  24 seconds left.
IT LOOKED LIKE STAAL HE'S GOT THE LONGEST STICK I'VE EVER SEEN ERIC STAAL
wtf bobby
it's 1-1.

OH MY GOD DID ERIC STAAL TIP THAT IN

FINISH YOUR DRINK

7:43PM: jesus Cooke goes into the boards really awkwardly and even though it looks like somewhat of an accident Craig Adams, Hero comes to his aid with an itty bitty cross check
THIS IS A LOT OF BLOODY MARY TO FINISH YOU GUYS

7:48PM: person from berkeley, california, i see you!  do you want to be friends?  could you be Boise?  (We once had a visitor from Boise who would be on for 40-80 minutes per night and we miss them dearly.  They vanished one day.  If you know who Boise is you are urged to contact us directly.)

8:02PM next drink is ready to go

8:04PM: don't even know how we're on the power play.  maybe the refs are finally in our pockets

8:05PM Kim has joined our broadcast and has insinuated that Boise is dead.  Sorry, Boise.

8:06PM really glad sutter hit the post because this is a full glass right now

8:09 JORDAN STAAL WITH A FAMILIAR MOVE   something about his big body.  drink ya'll    STALL CLEANED UP HIS OWN ZONE

8:10 holy shit i thought staal scored again but fucking jiri tlusty
it's 2-1
this looks like the Pens from. . .well January

8:11PM ERIC STAAL IS JUST SO GOOD HIS STICK IS EXTRAORDINARILY GOOD  drink

8:14PM JEFF SKINNER YOU ARE TWELVE YEARS OLD YOU ARE DRUNK WHERE IS YOUR MOTHER

obv it's 3-1 CANES

drink at will

8:15PM Dan Bylsma using his 30 second timeout before the game is already lost?  NO REALLY i think that's worth a shot on its own.  In celebration.  because jesus

8:20PM Cooke had a breakaway on Cammycakes.  IT'S ALWAYS MATT COOKE ON THE FUCKING BREAKAWAY

8:23PM Pens take a hooking call.  But Jeff Skinner goes off for Embellishment, the best penalty in hockey.

DUPES HIT THE POST JESUS CHRIST

8:24PM "brooks orpik takes a piece of larose" sounds gross

8:28PM ROOT does a graphic of quotes on the Staal-Sutter trade.  and Staal is identified as Shero's first ever pick.  And they say how many games he played. holy fuq
STAAL'S WRIST SHOT

they're STILL GOING ON ABOUT UNCLE JORDY

omg so many drinks

8:32PM eric staal interfered with someone.  COME ON POWER PLAY.

8:34 "WENT FROM A SUTTER WORLD TO A STAAL WORLD OF COURSE"

holy fuck

really glad we're not drinking for sutters but then STEIGGY TURNED IT AROUND ON US

8:36 RAT BASTARD CAM WARD, he of the memorial trophy
why is it only the second period omg

8:37 Pens get too much man.  They send Beau to the box to try to confuse everyone, thinking he might not read as "man" because he is babby.  Oh how wrong they are.

8:39 errey wants a shortie.  oh bobby us too.  some eric staal mentions earlier

8:42 ERIC STAAL WON ANOTHER BATTLE.  WATCH STAAL
Tlusy buries it fuck
4-1 CANES
every time we do this it is bad luck.
thank god it's intermission because no

INTERMISSION MUSIC AND PSA

you might know that I am a graduate of Emerson College and apparently this guy named George Watsky also did and he does these fucking unreal rap albums which you should listen to because they inspire HOPE

THE HATERS LOVE TO FUCK WITH ME
pick up some fucking goals, guys.

THE PENGUINS WERE DOWN 4-1 THE OTHER NIGHT
hey i mean this is a different fucking night

9:02PM tlusty looking for the hat trick. barf

9:05PM Joe Vitale takes a penalty.  THIS TREASON WILL NOT STAND.  stupid call

9:07PM fleury turnover. . . . .to a staaaaallllll (drink)

9:10PM the way the pens are playing you'd think they are intimidated by the 2008 red wings all over again

9:12PM the world is falling apart.  Jeff Skinner took a penalty because someone forgot to cut the crusts off of his peanut butter sammich
officials obviously have it out for Skinner

9:13PM JORDAN STAAL WILL PUSH THE ENVELOPE SHORTHANDED SPECIALIST IN HIS ROOKIE CAMPAGIN 

9:14PM ATTENTION AMERICA TIM WALLACE ISN'T GONNA SCORE SHORTHANDED EVER

9:15  joe vitale is perfect.  still.

9:16PM bortuzzo tries to attack larose and skinner.  welpppppppp good jobbbbbb guysssssss

9:18PM slowly but surely the jerkcity story is making it back into PH lore.

ALSO

SPECIAL DRINKING EVENT FOR THE INEVITABLE MENTION OF WHEN BROOKS ORPIK BROKE ERIK COLE'S SPINE

9:24PM allusion to the fact that therrien prefers Colby Armstrong

9:29PM JORDAN STAAAALLLLL NOT VISIBLE THAT OFTEN except in our livers.

9:32 sid almost scores but is stoned by cam and then makes some unrealistic pass.  Bobby says it was "worth the price of admission for me."  BOBBY YOU GET PAID TO DO THIS

9:33PM bobby and steiggy have been completely oblivious to the fact that Martin has not been playing

"BOBBY'S LOSING HIS MIND UP HERE IN THE BOOTH"

9:35 Bortuzzo gets beat up by Harrison.  ://////

9:36 STAAL THE STAALS WELL THEY STALLED JORDAN STAAL BUT NOT ERIC STAAL HE WAS THE HORSE IN THIS GAME.  HE WAS THE BIG BROTHER

1:20 left I think we can all finish our drinks.

mother of god, you guys.

what a mess.

9:38PM pens almost score at the end but welp

chug that shit.

GOODNIGHT, RALEIGH

sorry, boys.  Get your heads together.  You do realize that you can't control what other people do, right?  You can only control what YOU do.  Advice of the century; all take heed.

GO PENS
one of these days. . .

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
What was this game?
We have some answers, I guess. Not good ones. But answers.
Sometimes you have to take whatcha get.

MOST HORRIBLE OMEN
Everyone is falling. Wtf. 
Why do we have to get drunk EVERY TIME WE GO TO FLORIDA?!

Incorrect, Sid. We do not skate on the walls. No, you do not need three more maraschino cherries, you are fine. No, no more Fuzzy Navels. Sid, come on. Why are you doing this to us?


OH WAIT WE FORGOT.
We hate you, Florida. 
As much as we hate winter. We miss you, summer. You seem so far away.

I guess we can't blame the guys too much. We'd be shit faced as well.

TASTIEST MARGARITAS
Drunken giddiness gets the puck SO CLOSE to the Panthers net quite a few times. Penalties are exchanged. TK vomits on the ice and it looks like some good ol margaritas were the only thing in the tank. His friends help him to his feet. He weeps about everyone at the party hating him. We reassure him that WE still love him, and get him some Gatorade. 
Everyone else is still having a MARVELOUS time.
They are still licking the salt off of their lips when this happens.

Sorry if that's unclear - the Panthers scored.
Apparently they are so unused to celebrating that they totally forgot how. 
Look at those faces.
We have no words.

GREATEST CONFUSION
Luckily, James Neal is not the most socially apt member of the Penguins clan, and when Kris clapped him on the back and said "Hey man, we're going to do the bar thing tonight, you in?" he mistook "the bar thing" for something totally different.

Sure, he's a little confused when he keeps getting drunk texts, but he imagines that they are just nervous excitement texts and doesn't bother to respond, too concerned about not measuring up because he's heard these things are pretty hard.
When he gets to the arena, jazzed up on energy drinks and fresh from pre-test carbo-loading, he's in the best shape of the lot.
He assumes the fatigue on the ice is a result of studying fatigue. 
He decides that he's in the best position to make this work, and gets one into the net for us.
Not suspicious of his teammates at all, he heads back to the bench woncering why everything smells like glass cleaner. 

BREAKFAST OF UNRAVELING CHAMPIONS

If anyone has ever offered you endless mimosas, or any other fun times brunch drink, you know what a disaster it is to drink 14 of them with your hash browns. 
The 'guins SHOULD KNOW THIS BY NOW seeing as they are GROWN ASS MEN but alas, when they see this sign, they start salivating.

First of all, Kris can't say no to anything rimmed in colored sugar. Brooks remembered something about strawberries being healthy, and assumed it would be fine. Sid saw that cute striped straw and he was sold - not to mention that when he asked the waitress if the whipped cream was low-cal, she snapped her gum and responded "sure, whatever you want, honey."

9 hours after getting kicked out of the establishment for draining the entire supply of margarita mix, they find themselves on the ice. There may or may not have been a couple dozen cocktails between the two events.
The marvelousness wears off real quick.

"Jesus fucking Christ can these lights get any brighter?!"


Needless to say, it's a disaster.

GREATEST SPIKING
Because he is a dick, Dustin "Dicknose" Jeffery didn't tell anyone else on the team that he brought his own stash to the game - that innocent looking water bottle was just a cover.
His attention is caught when Vokoun heads off the ice, muttering something about going to get a pilsner and a chocolate orange. DJ laughs, brushes it off, but then his eye is caught by the giant machine over the ice. 
When he can finally focus his eyes on the jumbotron and figure out the numbers, he can't believe it.
"Guys...is that a 4...what? Wait, seriously, seriously, Tyler, is that a four? Guys. What? Is that them? Like...the Panthers. Four? FOUR? Guys, what..."
He realizes what has happened.
"GUYS YOU NEED TO START DRINKING NOW."
He sees Chris gag a little at the idea. "No chance, man. That's what got us into this mess."
He sees the guys, all with their heads between their knees, and does what he knows he has to.



Good job, Dicknose. 
We love you, sometimes.

He knows it'll take a few minutes to work, so he gets out on the ice and takes responsibility for bogarting all da booze - scores one to stop the blood from flowing.

GREATEST REAWAKENING
As the average BAC of the team rises, things start to look better.
Everyone's got beer muscles. 
It's AMAZING.

I wish you could see the Martin and Kunitz goals that followed, but press dipped into that sweet, sweet nectar.
So here's sid, licking margarita salt from his lips, as mentioned prior.

The Panthers kick their goalie to the curb as well, but less for drunkenness reasons and more for general shittiness.

MOST OBVIOUS PROBLEM WITH THE PLAN
Everyone is still shithoused.

SADDEST YOU FELT FOR A TEAM THE MOMENT THEY BEAT YOU
While nothing is won with a whole minute left in the game, when the empty net happens you aren't really thinking it's totally yours to win anymore.
But when it's a hat trick...and like...two hats happen?
That is fucking SAD.
I mean, that type of sad where you actually feel embarrassed to watch it happen because you don't want a part in it. Kopecky...you didn't deserve to win. But everyone deserves a shower of hats for a hat trick.
Sorry your team/fans are total balls. 
Escape when you can.


6-4
Pens lose.
 

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

MOST UNQUESTIONINGLY DEDICATED TO THE CAUSE
James Neal.
Still unsure why he would need to pass the bar, but ready to do so for the good of the team nonetheless.

ALT THREE STARS
1. DJ. Deserves all the stars for his stealthy liquor funneling abilities.
2. Vokoun. Because we're sad when he's sad. Don't be sad, buddy.
3. Pens fans. Seriously. Sometimes it takes a sad, sad hat trick for another team to appreciate that you have the greatest fans ever.

Whatever. 
It'll be summer here too, eventually. 
And we'll have the cup to prove it.
Never losing again.
Go Pens.