Home and homes are like torture. 
If we wanted to spend this much time with people who live in New Jersey, we'd just kill ourselves and go to the laundromat in hell. 
Alas, hockey makes us see terrible things sometimes.
At least we're getting it out of the way.

Hope you are out of the snow and in your pajamas this Saturday afternoon.

BEST HANGOVER CURE
Assuming you spent the night throwing back straight liquor and watching Netflix instant view until that little box popped up because the company assumed you'd died of alcoholism/loneliness/boredom/heart disease, you didn't feel too great at 1:00 this afternoon.
Feeds are limited, so that adds to the headache if you don't have cable or live in Pittsburgh
Ughhhhh.
But then Clarkson gets called for tripping and we're on the PP 44 seconds in. The nausea ebbs.
Sutter gets a nick of a Despres shot and it's tipped in. Kennedy on the secondary. 

You feel like he parked the hangover bus right in front of your house and hooked you up with that sweet IV relief. 

Thank you, sirs.

MOST (ANNOYINGLY) FERVENT INDIVIDUALS
The refs are just a mess. They are calling everything. Now, mind you, there's a lot to call that's kind of real...but can't we just let it go? 
Penalties are being handed out like the free headaches at the DMV. Between the PPs and the PKs, MAF is the cool, refreshing cumber slices that soothe our weary eyes. 

FAKEST NAME
Krys Barch - as if that is a name - takes exception to the fact that Engo is a man with a strong pimp hand. Engo doesn't give a shit about his feelings. They go at it.

Our hearts were cold and empty and sad after Godsy left, but Engo has eased into that spot and made our lives much easier. 

CUTEST ENEMY GOAL
The second period is all penalty this, penalty that, MAF being a hero, etc etc. With 3 and a half minutes left in the second, Stefan Matteau manages one past the flower to get his first NHL goal. 

Whatever. Sometimes the other team scores. Hockey would suck if they didn't. And honestly, this is how we want them to do it. In a cute way. 

MOST WTF MOMENT EVER
Brodeur thinks it's safe to retrieve his lost stick during some Debs possession. Malkin makes a quick attempt at the net. Christmas Ham has to scramble back across the ice to the goal and flub around to block what would have been an empty net goal. The puck skirts along the blue line, and Hammy falls between the net and the puck. 
Ham is lollin. 
We are too, kind of.
It was worth seeing.

MOST HATRED
The situation with the refs has gone from "wtf" to "lols" back to "wtf" and then over to "OH MY GOD CAN WE PLEASE JUST PLAY HOCKEY?!" Sure, we're not saying our hands are clean. but sometimes it's just overkill.
The momentum is weird.
Things get jumbled.
Then the Debs start throwing it at the net.
Whatever, whatever, it's suddenly 3-1. 
We'll just use the happy Debs goal again. No one gives a shit about the other two.

Awwww.
But still, fuck you guys.

Ughhhhhhhhh.

MOST VISIONS OF BABBLING BROOKS
The game plays out like we are angry kids on a school yard. We throw tantrums and get detention time and time again. We'll probably all grow up to be criminals.
We just close our eyes and go to our happy place until it's called.
For some reason Bob Errey is in our happy place.
*shrug* Makes sense.

Sometimes games are fun to watch but don't end in us winning.
This was one of those times.

Pens lose. 3-1

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

BEST IN SWEATS


I know sometimes it can be hard when someone looks this good, but don't hate.

LEAST AT FAULT

We'll give you our juicebox. You did great.

ALT THREE STARS
1- MAF, seriously, hit us up for that juice.
2- Refs. WAY TO STEAL THE SHOW EVERYONE IS SO HAPPY.
3- Coffee. You made this easier.

Pens hadn't won at home in regulation against the Caps since 2007 going into tonight.
You know this fucking game. The game where the Pens have been having trouble at home lately, the Caps are on a losing streak, and are thirsty for blood. This is a game where Ovechkin scores some big-time backbreaking goal that you think about every now and then for the next decade. This is a game so hard and fast and scary and poorly conceived that you're thinking of bottling its mood and selling it to companies that make fake-snuff-tape pornos.
Except the Caps kinda suck this year. Like really suck dicks. Real bad. Remember when it was their time? Remember when they "arrived"? It's like the Caps organization always thought it was digging to the molten 24k gold core at the center of the earth inhabited by leprechauns and the world's reserve of Funfetti and the Stanley Cup and champagne handmade by angels when really they're just going to find a lot of bones and poop. I feel like everyone else predicted this and we've all sat idly by and watched them diminish.
The Washington Capitals WERE a good team. No idea what's happened to them.
But I mean we needed this okay if the team in the basement of the NHL beats you at home when you haven't won at home yet I feel like that's bad news.
The Caps can have a midseason revelation and score 8 goals during some Panthers game and we can all call it a night.

DEFENSEMEN: FREE TO A GOOD HOME
The Pens traded Ben Lovejoy to Anaheim for a pick and our tears could drown a litter of puppies.
But we called up Dylan Reese who seems okay and we could get into him, you know, as a human. Observe.

So yeah that happened.
OH NOT TO MENTION KRIS LETANG IS HURT THAT'S THE WHOLE REASON DYLAN IS HERE DID YOU CATCH THAT
god forbid it's something serious or hundreds of middle-aged men will have their Norris pick invalidated. Also we will cry.

GOAL NOBODY LIKED PROBABLY NOT EVEN RIBIERO THAT MUCH
This is kind of a bizarre NHL role in action. Fleury got knocked down (mostly by Orpik's stick maybe but also a little bit by Our Polish Boyfriend Wojtek and his mask comes flying off.
according to NHL rules, the whistle blows immediately if HIS team has the puck and he can put his mask back on. If the opposing team has the puck and there is an "impending, imminent" scoring chance, play continues.
We don't get it because it'd seem waaay more pertinent to make sure a goaltender doesn't get his face taken off by a slapshot than to preserve a potential scoring chance from his opponent. But whatever. It's in the rule book. It counts. Officials made the right call. still a dick move but after we stop yelling we'll sleep at night.

The 1-0 score carries the Caps through the first and we're like shit this could become a problem.

MOST LIKE MILK-SOAKED ANIMAL CRACKERS
The Caps in the second.
what the fuck did they do.
Early on, you kinda get a feeling as Gene pushes a nasty backhander wide that something is going to happen this period.
Pens get a PP. Gene with the filthiest shot we've seen a Penguin do all season totally smokes Neuvirth. but it would probably smoke anyone who has ever won multiple Vezinas, too. Kinda jiggled his way down the circle and placed it ever so neatly just inside the far post. Wow.

At this point, some of the Penguins (Brooks, Tanner) realize that the Caps are not in fact soggy animal crackers but possibly real prey. They start hunting in a pack. Tanner distracts them while Brooks finds his favorite vein.
After this goal someone on the Caps bench must have started sobbing because the emotional meltdown they suffered was contagious and swift.
Eric Fehr almost had a breakaway, but Crosby was like "fuck no" and got back. Next thing you know, Dupuis has whispered sweet nothings in Neuvirth's ear and gotten him to gently part his thighs.

Dupes makes eyes at the Caps. But they're not having it.
It's 2-1. It's different.

STRANGEST DANCE MOVES
At this point the Caps freak out and put in Braden Holtby. Seemed too soon for us. Seemed frantic.

Some guy on Twitter got way fresh with me, for the record:

The fact that I was skeptical of the Caps having a full on meltdown was my own damn fault, I suppose. Goaltender change was probably not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.
but seriously who are you

FRESHEST FUCKING COME ON
nope it wasn't that one.
After Joel Ward took a delay of game penalty James Neal was jealous of how easily Dupes got Neuvirth to show his five hole and decided to make it look even easier with Holtby. Really the only explanation. He just kind of walked in there and flipped it in. It was insane.

Guy on the right appears to be alone and having the time of his life. Go you, guy.

MOST THIEVERY AND JEALOUSY
Then Matt Cooke gets jealous of James and decides to steal his move. Snipejob off a faceoff win. Wow Holtby is a mess. Nobody even knew what was happening. This comes after we already screamed at least twice throughout the game that it's often Matt Cooke with the golden chance but the poor guy ain't got no hands.
That was really a backbreaker for the Caps. They kind of stopped trying for the rest of the period. The clock was apparently broken or wrong or something and it may have been the Caps' depression emanating electromagnetic signals.
FANCIEST WAISTCOAT
The third started really slow.
I had Mike Lange on and he and Bourque were talking about what a leader Brooks Laich was and how much the Caps miss him as the camera on ROOT awkwardly zoomed in on Ovechkin. He was starting shit left and right trying to get his team into it and also appeared to suffer from some kind of facial stigmata in the third but we have no idea why no one is feeding off of his energy anymore.
Bortuzzo and Ovi got into some dispute over who had the fanciest waistcoat and got matching minors. The question of whose waistcoat was fancier was never settled publicly.
Then we get the Brooks Murder Face and he goes to the box:
<img data-cke-saved-src="" src="" http:="" www.puckhuffers.com="" images="" stories="" 2013-season="" 27caps="" orpik.png"="" width="500">
Ovechkin scores on that. Obviously.
5-2
Pens look kinda lazy. Not exactly what we like to see.
Pens take exactly one more penalty with exactly two minutes left and kill it. We survived. We fed on their corpse and it was delicious.
PENS WIN
5-2.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS
MOST INTRIGUED BOB ERREY

OOOOH BOY THAT WAS A BIG HIT ON JAY BEAGLE
(in our heads)

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Paul Martin. 28 minutes eeeek
2. Pascal

so thoughtful. 4 shots
3. probably Dylan

I'm sleepy and "preparing for a blizzard."

pens in dirty jersey tomorrow

Isles, last time we met it was the worst. 
Tonight was for redemption. Win or lose, we had to get some honor out of this.
And, of course, some goddamn awards.

MOST SILENCING

The game has barely started and the Isles get a penalty for whateverthefuck. We can't even understand what they are doing yet in this game. Not because it's particularly bad, but because it's the Isles, and goddamnit haven't we played them five hundred times already? 
What's that? Just once?
But we're so sick of looking at them.
You're about to say something bitchy about the Pens PP being questionable, but before you can open your fat mouth, James Neal and Sidney Crosby show up at the faceoff circle like it's a duel. They pull their guns.
Faceoff won, Sid passes it off the halfwall to James, who makes sure you'll wait until power plays are OVER to critique them.

Out loud, at least.

GOAL THAT HAPPENED THE LEAST
Sid tries to get his first goal against Nabs, but it all ends up a clusterfuck and Andrew fuckin' Macdonald, former Penguin, scrambles for it and tosses it out of the net. When you hear it's being reviewed you hope and pray it went over, but overhead cam tells you that there's no use hoping. Saved just in time.
We'll pour one out for you, unborn goal. Right into our mouths.
 

THE LITTLE TANNER THAT COULD AWARD
Things look kind of contentious on the ice early on. There are a lot of mumbles and grumbles. You can smell something brewing, and that just so happened to be Tanner Glass's hatred for anyone looking the wrong way at his captain.
He throws down.
He loses pretty bad. 
Unlike when "it's the thought that counts" in gift giving (i.e. the gift is garbage and no one is getting laid) in hockey fighting it is true (read: even the loser will get laid.) 

SATAN'S MOST CANDID APPEARANCE
At first we assumed that God hated us. Then we remembered that God is dead so it must be the work of Satan when Sid hits the ice because of a high stick or a puck or a OH GOD I DON'T KNOW WHY IS THERE BLOOD HOLY FUCK.
Pictures from before show that Sid saw Satan approaching.

Pictures from AFTER are plentiful, because Sidney Crosby getting hurt is more important to any journalist than all of the players on the Pens and Isles scoring, combined. 
We wish we could express our true unhappiness with that fact with Isles bloggers, who will obviously be facing the same photo pool as we are this evening. It's not that we think there should be fewer photos of sid, just can someone please god take more photos of goals?
Maybe?
Oh, fuck it.

He's off to the runway before we can throw our panties on the ice to let him know we're praying for his speedy recovery. 
We throw them anyway. He's back before they hit the ice. Face of steel.

GREATEST END TO HAZING
Anytime something bad happens to babyfrenchie we assume that it's hazing - poor little guy, he's just playing for the after-game orange slices. We love him so hard.
We don't think the guys will give him too hard a time after Kunitz got the puck to him and his response was to

"WE'RE BUSY DIGITALLY ENHANCING SATURATION SO WE CAN SEE MORE OF SID'S BLOOD, GO AWAY"
"No babyfrenchie?"
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT."
"Oh...nothing."
"WAIT DID YOU MEAN THIS THING"

"Yesssss!"
"WOMEN AMIRITE"

MOST COMFORTING
2 - 0 into the third? Guys, are we sure about this?
Guys.
This could be dangerous.
Sutter hears our bellyachin' and wants to do something about it. The Isles look directly into a solar eclipse because a voice offstage whispered that it would be pretty.

Thanks for the solid, buddy.

Sutter makes the most of it.

...
Well. Take our word for it.

BEST $14 EVER SPENT
Thirty five seconds.
In thirty five seconds, it all almost falls apart. 
Grabner and Boyes score consecutive goals. Isles fans piss their $14 seats in excitement.

MOST THANKFUL TO DEAD GOD
Kunitz uses the empty net to make it appropriate for us to yell "suck our dicks" at strangers in Isles jerseys.
Well...more appropriate than it was before, at least.

 

Pens Win, dicks!

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

GOOD GAME
Nabs, boys, you did pretty well.
It wasn't the prettiest game.
Goddamn you for those two goals.
But this one was fun as hell to watch.

WORST HIGH FIVE

"Come on Kris, we went over this in practice."

ALT THREE STARS
1. Satan - for having bad aim and missing Sid's vitals. Dick.
2. Pepper. Always a professional.
3. Babyfrenchie. AWWWWWWW.

Good hockey. 
Team looking good.
Loving it.
Go Pens.

But this time it's different. Neither the Pens nor the Caps are the Indestructible Forces of Media Fellation that they were when this blog started. And yet we still taste that same bitterness heading into Verizon Center (via our computer screens) at fucking 12:30 on Super Bowl Sunday with our coffees in hand.
In case you were wondering: Super Bowl Sundays sucks.
If it weren't for the fact that all of my local Boston friends are either hockey fans, bitter Pats fans, or ex-art-school-hipsters whose moods aren't adversely affected by sports at all, I'd probably stay at home under a blanket. But as it is, I do have a Super Bowl party to attend and possibly some cookies to bake.
This game isn't getting in the way of that. But it does feel like a hazing ritual involving pocket knives and blood pacts.
John Erskine elbowed Wayne Simmonds' head so yeah, trash. The Caps have 2 wins so far this season. welp
HOLTBY ETC

Let's see where we are, ladies and gentlemen.

MOST JIZZ IN OUR EYES
The NBC feed has some kind of "twitter battle" feature that no one cares about. Apparently the Caps are really bad at it.


Paul Martin scores early on from a Crosby faceoff win after some track meet shit.  A Pens fan contingent behind the Caps net erupts in cheers and it feels like 2009 all over again.
1-0
Zach Boychuk gets a semi breakaway afterwards and dude.  We love this kid can we just say?  he gives so few fucks.

Caps come back right away though. Mike Green gets destroyed by Letang and Tang leaves him for dead. Except then he gets back up, floats to the top of the left circle, and scores a goal. The sirens blind us and we are briefly lobotomized.

This game is hard to watch. Mike Green's hair reminds us of 14-year-old mallrats who look at dirty birthday cards in Spencer Gifts.

HARDEST GRINDING
Pens gain the zone against the Caps like a real hockey time. Bortuzzo, the prodigal son, passes to Engo. Engo winds up for a one-timer, and makes no mistake. Official credit goes to Cooke but Cooke says he didn't touch it. Unsure if that will stand.

2-1

BIGGEST AND MOST FRIGHTENING TRANSFORMATION
Pens are suddenly playing team defense. Blocking shots, getting in lanes. Who are these people. Have the replicants finally been sated?
Maybe.
Ovechkin's relevancy discussed by NBC. Apparently scoring over 30 goals a year is shitty. Always going to be a good offensive player, but let's devote random broadcast time to how important he is.

Someone got paid to make this graphic. Think about it.
Vokoun all business as the game progresses.

Some kind of penalty and some kind of timeout, blah blah blah period.

Honestly if it weren't for the jizz in our eyes we'd play games like this forever.

MOST BURNING QUESTIONS EVER
NBC does an intermission feature with (mostly accurate) analysis about whether or not Ovechkin is still "elite" complete with embarrassingly dramatic color-corrected shots of Ovie interviews.

deep shit yo
we care not

MOST OBVIOUS INDICATOR OF GOD'S DEATH
Second period starts all business.
Vokoun makes the same mistake he made earlier on though when John Carlson shoots it in around the glass and it ends up in the net. oh okay
Sirens, lobotomies. scuse us while we cry ourselves to sleep
It hit a stanchion. Remember stanchions? fuck

really people only look this happy before being led to slaughter unexpectedly. it was too good for the Caps to be true that winning would be this easy.

It's 2-2. Jesus.

"they're rockin' the red here now" as Zach Boychuck eats our broken hearts and takes a penalty. We convince ourselves they are going to score to avoid more unnecessary pain.

Pens kill the penalty though. It's not over yet.

MOST PREGNANCIES CAUSED BY MEN IN WASHINGTON DC THIS AFTERNOON
After his penalty Zach Boychuk rushes up ice like a fucking stud and makes Holtby make a big-time save. The puck never leaves the immediate vicinity of Braden Holtby though. Letang jumps up and cleans that shit up.
3-2
All started by Boychuk. We need to get to know this child because he came out of nowhere and knocked us up.

MOST TERROR LOCATED IN AN ARMPIT
Holtby getting totally destroyed under his left armpit today.
Chris Kunitz puts another one there.
it's 4-2.

ANOTHER BABYFRENCHIE MISTAKE NO ONE WILL REMEMBER NEXT SEASON
Despres high sticks some asshole.
Could this be a thing?
Crosby with a diving play to clear on the PK. Makes our hearts sing.
NBC yelling at Ovi to get in front of the net. Nice to see them yelling like an informed Caps fan. God imagine being a knowledgeable old guard Caps fan forced to maintain loyalty to Ovi.
not a fate we envy. Caps commit some penalty. Our Polish Boyfriend Wojtek Wolski gets physical with Martin and it's kind of a bad call, let's be honest.

LEAST HAT TRICK
Kunitz parks in front of the net like NBC has been yelling at Ovi to do for the last nine hours or whatever and buries one. NBC thinks it's a hat trick but the initial "Kunitz" goal has been credited to PaulMart so yeah.
Koon still has 2.
Not complaining about his Least Hat Trick award either.

5-2
NBC corrects after commercial. finally
Pierre forgets what sport he's talking about and tries to talk about the Minnesota Vikings.

MOST BIZARRE BEHAVIOR
The Caps come out in a three-goal hole and ice it 2 times. The red refuses to rock. blah blah blah blah. Pens ice it again. This is a weird period. Despres shoots it over the glass. Fuck, babyfrenchie. fuck.
Dupuis and Adams killing it early in the PK.
Pens get lazy and get destroyed by Ribiero. Excuse us while we undergo the lobotomy. SIREN SIREN FLASH SCREAM
5-3

MOST "MEH"

Period kind chugs along. Vokoun makes a big stop on Ovechkin. Ovechkin picks his nose in response.
Ovi rushes up ice again and tries Tomás again but yeah nope.
Boychuk almost sets up Neal.
We might revive "Crash My Net Friday" just for Boychuk.
Pens take a penalty at a really bad time though. Nothing doing through most of it. Pens manage to keep Caps to outside.

Just as Holtby is about to leave the net Crosby comes bearing down on Holtby. Then the shenanigans starts. Carlson got ruined by Crosby and the Pens are going to end the game on a 5 on 3. Ovechkin got called for roughing, Carlson for holding. That'll be the end of that. Top PP unit out for the 5 on 3 to try to set up Koon for the hattie. Maybe.

MOST HAT TRICK
Yep. Crosby takes it down below the goal line, drawing the Caps' vision. Kunitz ready to shoot. Passes it up. Buries it. No mercy.

Pens hats on the ice. Holtby looks depressed.

YYYYYYEAH BITCHES
PENS WIN 6-3
KUNITZ HATTIE IN YOUR MOUTH

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

BESTIES

MAF and Cookie

ONLY RECORDED APPEARANCE OF TYLER KENNEDY TODAY

ELITE?

Ovechkin on the coattails of Green's shitty goal.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS

1. Zach Boychuk - baby we never knew we needed you.

2. Robert Bortuzzo because of reasons.  He was in fact a +2.

3. Kris Letang. 4 shots.  nasty.

on the island on Tuesday.

GO PENS

amazing pics surfacing on Twitter of Pens fans on the steps outside Verizon Center after this game.  We love everyone and wish we were there.

Well, well, well.
We all had sand in our vaginas on Thursday about that messy win - no one likes to clean up at the special Olympics when they aren't actually "special."
We called for drama, we called for change, we called for Tangradi's head on a plate!
We got pretty much all of that.
Not saying we look excellent or anything, but we look like we're taking steps to fix obvious problems. That makes us proud. A team that stagnates in mediocrity we are not. 

It's Saturday. Let's get on with this.
These mimosas won't drink themselves.

MOST LIKELY TO GET DATE RAPED AT A FRAT PARTY
(Probably one that we're throwing.)

Oh, hey there.
You new around here?
We can show you the ropes. Trust us. All the cool kids are doing it. 

Ohhhh little Boychuk. That smile. That speed. That tiny little height measurement. That way that you make Tangradi totally irrelevant.
We think this is the beginning of something magical. 
We spend a lot of time complaining. One of those things we complain about is the NHL's refusal to recognize talent that mills around in the farm teams. We'll consider this little number an early Valentine's Day treat - watching a ?/Malkin/Neal line that doesn't make us sob into a pillow as we watch it fail time after time. 
 

MOST PIECES A HEART CAN BE IN

Well that's definitely too dramatic. But onward.
The first period looks pretty okay. There's this point at which our defense breaks down into dick suckery and we all throw up our arms and say "THIS AGAIN?!" but MAF shuts it down and we step back from the ledge on our roof. A few penalties are thrown in and the theme is predicable - our PK is pretty solid, our PP leaves a lot to be desired.
All of a sudden, Christmas Ham has some sort of obesity meltdown. The net, it is free. 
Sutter takes the chance.

Some useless Deb steps on our dream like it's a poisonous spider. 
We're starting to get worried.
Calm down, past selves.
It'll be okay.

OVERSTUFFED HAM AWARD
Speaking of Christmas Ham, at the beginning of the second we really take it to him. He makes a few nice glove saves, but the momentum is sort of obvious.

Sutter gets it in for his first goal as a Penguin. Look at Hammy.
This photo, as it happens, also wins the "Best Conga Line" photo contest at congalines4ever.tumblr.com
That is also not a real thing.

MOST HILARIOUS TOM FOOLERY
Volchenkov must be kidding when he does some kind of horrible pass maneuver that goes wonderfully astray.
Kunitz snaps it up, shoots it past the Ham. Goes in easily and unassisted.

We hear Kunitz has the flu or some shit, too.
If that's how the flu goes nowadays, sneeze this way, please.

MOST USELESS
We all feel pretty shitty about a 2 goal lead by this point. We've been having a rough time nailing it down when we're ahead.
Our nightmare starts to come true when Elias is sent to the box for holding. A little of this, a little of that, and before we know it

Short handed goal. 
Ughhhh.

We go into intermission with that terrible feeling in our stomachs.
You know what, if we get the flu in a non-Kunitz way, it may be deserved. Doubt is a haters game.
We should have known what trash this goal would be. 

BEAUTIFUL SWAN AWARD
The third period starts off looking mighty good and eases our nerves just a bit.
Boychuk and Malkin are adorable together. James Neal is ruining dreams by not allowing any Deb to skate near him without a bone crushing hit.
Kunitz works some more flu-magic and finds Letang in exactly the right spot,
Tanger gets it in, and he gets it in good.
He once again becomes the dreamboat of all women from western PA. Even those Fayettenam gals.

Yup mamma, this gon' be my weddin' gown when I gets married to that fancy haired man on the t.v.

Bortuzzo almost gets one in shortly after. Sid knocks at to try to keep up the fire. It doesn't happen just yet, but then,

GASOLINE ON THE FIRE

Sid shows us what he's all about when momentum is in our favor and the puck is handed to him.
Absolute sniper shot. Just...really out of this world.
We thought it was all we'd get. But what's a sundae without a cherry?

BEST RECOVERY FROM TERRIBLE PHOTOS THE WHOLE GAME
Bortuzzo brought us such classics as these, this afternoon:

But ain't no one gonna care when you get your first career NHL goal.
Good job.

PENS 5, DEBS 1

INDIVIDUAL AWARD

LEAST IMPRESSED

Man. 

ALT 3 STARS
1. Christmas Ham. For the lolz.
2. Kunitz. Deserves two stars.
3. Boychuk. For being a change of pace. And calling Sutter Suttsy.

On the upswing?
We hope.
Winning the Cup, obv.
Go Pens.

Kinda.

The whole theme of this game apparently came from the fact that Tanner Glass, our second-favorite Dartmouth man, used the word "gumption" when describing what he would like to see more of from his new team, and everyone at ROOT Sports was so deeply tickled by it (perhaps by virtue of learning a new word and having to Google it) that they had to use it in their broadcast five million times.

Hey let's be honest: we're not TOTALLY buying that the Pens are turning it around just because they beat the Rangers 3-0 tonight. The Rangers are a terrible team and our offensive struggles are real.
But some gumption was found.
Let's discuss.

FATTEST AND SLOWEST
The Rangers hold this title, only strengthened by their acquisition of Fat Rick.

As evidence, Ryan McDonagh is shown hating a child.

Dustin Jeffrey is back yet again from his tragic exile to see if he can combat the lipid sludge.

MOST DECEPTION
The Pens keep scoring these early goals and then looking like a zombie skeleton crew for the rest of the game. Tonight is no exception. Gene burns the shit out of Henrik. Sad times. The ache is in our hearts again but we do not yet feel the burn.

Never before has a 1-0 game felt less like progress and more like that box of cereal you continue to eat even after you're pretty sure it's really stale.

PERIOD MADE OF MOST DICKS
The second period. No one cares about it. Pens couldn't score on power plays. They killed a few penalties. I have nothing coherent in my game notes except the fact that Malkin blew it on some sweet 2 on 1 with Jeffrey because idk he wouldn't fucking shoot it. Weird decision making by everyone. The confidence just isn't there. The swagger. Sid also has a very yikes breakaway. Shoots it over the net. More stale cereal.

We did however get this amazing vision of Vitale and Dan having a serious conversation. We'd trust Vitale with the entirety of the coaching duties, btw.

PERIOD YOU HAD NO IDEA HAD EVEN STARTED
The third one, because who knows. Could start out fine and then all of a sudden we're losing and whoops.
Pens are on some power play to start and you had probably already written it off but then Sid managed to set James Neal up with a sweet, soft deflection. It wafted low under Hank like so many feathers. Welp.
No one photographed this goal because they hate freedom.
Here's Brooks from 2nd intermission, telling us all about how much we are risking by playing like assholes. Seriously: Brooks second period intermission interviews work. If not for goals, then at least for team morale.


MOST SUSPICIOUS CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY
Despres took some penalty the way all young defensemen do.
Everyone was okay with it.
As the penalty expired Dupes was trying to kill time along the boards in the Pens' zone and suddenly Despres was all alone in the middle. No one picked him up when he got release. Dupes hits him with a pass and sweet holy hell. I seriously only saw the 7 on his jersey and thought it was Sid. I am a fool.

YEAAAAAHHH
seriously this is the first moment of the season where we feel like ~something is happening~


Got a bit of the swagger over here.

Game ended without anything else of note occurring, especially not if you value your brain cells. Just a weird fucking game that barely opened up enough at the end to feel good.

STORY OF THE GAME was Vokoun being perfect--literally. Rangers hit two posts in the 3rd. No one cared, least of all Tomáš. Speaking of which Errey is already calling him Tommy and commenting at length on his water drinking habits.
Write this shit out.
VokounSplosion is a tank. A tank of pure poise.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS
MOST ACCENTLESS ESL


ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Brooks Orpik - because of reasons
2. Dustin Jeffrey - maybe we finally forgive you for leaving us alone in the freezing rain that one time
3. Tanner Glass - for being educated in the ways of the world.

our hopeful little hearts, swollen to dangerous size with love of Despres' goal, are tempted to see it as a potential turning point to the season, if only the Penguins can harness its dangerous magic.

Be glad you saw tonight's game. 
It's going to go down in history books.
Bob Errey will reference it 100 times each game from now until death, and even then we will hear whispers of it on the wind. 
If you missed this game, we're sorry.
The 1/29/13 Pens/Isles game will forever be remembered as one of the most amazing nights in not only the NHL, not only professional sports, but in the history of the human experience. 

Our awards mean nothing in light of what has happened but we can't give up our duty in the face of such greatness. We must continue on. 

MOST MEANINGFUL OMENS
During pregame, the camera follows Dan Potash into the locker room for some feature we assume will be about Joe Vitale spinning wool or the weird shoes that Sutter has to wear every Tuesday, as these things typically go.
We catch a glimpse of  Sidney Crosby running a finger along his blades with a glint in his eye that we aren't legally allowed to call evil, so we'll go with "menacing." Clearly something has happened to him.
Tanger is taking imaginary slapshots, and as he pulls his arms back, you see what looks strangely like stigmata on his palms.
Malkin is muttering to himself in tongues.
The room smells like the musk of...could it be?
You look around your room, wondering who spilled a gallon of scotch into a kiddie pool of old spice. Surely the smell isn't emanating from the screen...?

Right away we all know that something strange is going on here. 

MOST PREGNANCIES INDUCED
It is only accurate to give this award to the first six minutes of this game, because after that all females in the world became impregnated. Though there were a few double pregnancies caused later on, the medical unlikelihood of it made for the fact that not as many happened in those moments. We want to be mathematically accurate here.

Only seconds after the puck dropped the Penguins were on the attack.
James Neal was all over the place, weaving in and out of the Isles players like he was making a friendship bracelet. Finally he reached Nabby, gave him a wink (because not even lesbians are immune to that charm) and pushed the puck delicately over the line as Nabs fluttered his eyelashes and waved an oriental fan. 

That was minute one alone. 
You can see why the world supply of pre-natal vitamins is now entirely inadequate. 
Of course, minutes 2-6 included Tyler Kennedy's double hat trick, so, you know.

MOST POTENTIAL REALIZED
The Pens get on their first powerplay when Grabner's leg literally explodes onto the ice and he gets called for unsportsmanlike mussiness. The problem only gets worse when the ice crew comes to clean it up and are suddenly incapacitated en masse due to food poisoning that isn't fatal, but will prevent them from ever working at the arena again.
The league announces via Jumbotron that future lawsuits aren't worth the risk.
Ice crew canceled forever.
Once the mess is cleaned up, the passing in tight, the puck control amazing, and when Letang gets his stick on that puck, he lasers it into the net like he saw it in a dream. We haven't seen something like that since...since...

IT FINALLY HAPPENED
HE FINALLY LEARNED.
 

THE MOMENT YOU REAL- 
oh fuck it.

You guys, I can't do it. 
I just can't.
I mean, we haven't done a good fake-recap in a few seasons and I was thinking tonight was the night...but I just don't have it in me. I have a lot of sadness.

You see, Zoe and I are really good at blaming shitty play on Feelings and Chemistry and Bad Situations. Because you know what? Those things cause problems a lot in hockey.
Not tonight, though. We have all of the pieces of a great team.
Tonight was watching a child cut off parts of each piece so he could cram them down the way he wanted.

There were going to be some really skilled Billy G references.
A few mentions of angels coming down from the rafters.
Curry may have made a reappearance, I don't know. 
Let's hope there's never an occasion to fake-recap again, but if there is, I promise we'll bring it, hard.

For now, let's just admit that something isn't right here.
We're not gaining momentum. Our speed is missing.
We're thinking too hard.
We can't see the forest for the trees, etc, etc. 

But you know what? It's the beginning of the season. We had a long break. Yeah, we need to get it together, but we will.
We can handle this. You see, we aren't the only ones watching. The boys are watching. The coaches are watching. We can get this all sorted out with plenty of time to spare. And because we're a bitching team, we will.

But someone, really, stop having sex with Malkin.
The man is clearly getting laid too often.
Zoe and I tried to agree that we would turn him down and yell about turnovers if he approached us, but we just ended up agreeing that there's no situation in which we could do that. Which is a problem - even we can't help in this situation.

So ladies, don't have sex with Geno. 
Otherwise, keep watching.
Stick with it.
We're going to get it right, and when we do, it's going to be glorious.

Go Pens.
You got this.

In response to the complete asshat-ery of the Rags, we (of course) decided to make our own Girl's Guide to Watching Hockey, Puck Huffers style.

THE PUCK HUFFERS GIRL'S GUIDE TO WATCHING HOCKEY

1. Enjoy watching hockey.
2. If you aren't enjoying watching hockey, stop watching hockey.

Scream with the crowd if ya want. Or don't, no pressure.

Wear giant green hands if you feel like it. Shout. Remind your team that they're #1 (even if you are sorely mistaken because you aren't a Penguins fan.)

Fuck sponsor beards, YOU wear the beard! Or don't! Or get a sponsor beard, they're actually a cool idea! Or don't give a shit about beards!

Be a Flyers fan if you absolutely must! I mean, we don't recommend it, but whatever floats your hockey boat!

Accesorize, girl! I mean, if that's your thing. If you're more comfortable in an Outer Banks T-shirt and some sweats, do that. We honestly couldn't give a shit as long as you're having fun!

Never stop the party! Or, hell, go to bed early. We don't mind. ARE YOU LOVING THE HOCKEY, IS THE QUESTION!?!

Don't get down about idiots. Yeah, they suck, but they are an endless force that we can only mute by not giving a fuck about them. 
Do hockey your way and for your reason.

These bitches totally want you to -

And we mean that with the utmost respect.

Go ladies who love hockey.
Go ladies who don't.
Go people who do what makes them happy for their own reasons.

Fuck da haters.
Go Pens.

Just when you thought you were done with Canada, you had to go to a Sens game.
No one has been pleased with this arrangement and despite tireless work to rectify it. . .we're still in Ottawa.
Apologies for the inconvenience.
please fasten your seatbelts and do as instructed by the flight crew.

MOST CONCERN

Steiggy and Errey looking overly thoughtful to begin our broadcast.
We are reminded about Gonch's presence, which Malkin seems entertained by. He said earlier that there were "no friends" on the ice, perhaps to persuade us all that his love of Sergei won't prevent him from being a dick when he needs to be. Oh Gene we trust you. We really do.

A little concern is not amiss. The Sens have a history of scoring 5-10 goals against us whenever the hell they find it convenient.

PERIOD LEAST LIKELY TO MEAN ANYTHING LATER
It's always the first period.
The Pens have had a few spectacular first periods. But they haven't really meant much later on, after we've all been lured into a false sense of security and monsters are on the loose and all we want to do is cry. As if on cue, James Neal buried one. Tangradi was on the ice for whatever reason with Neal and Malkin. Whether Tangradi suddenly remembered that the reason he is on the team is to drive his body Ryan Malone style to the net, or if he mistook a small pile of snow in Anderson's crease as a distant Cheesecake Factory, is unknown. But he went to the net and drew enough attention with him that Malkin was able to feed Neal a pass cross-ice. Neal made no mistake. It was like a real hockey goal, the kinds we used to see on TV as small children.

As always our general reaction to a James Neal goal is one of crying and moaning (you know the good kind).

MOST FEELINGS
Evgeni's Feelings (notice the capital F of Feelings) make their first appearance of the season when he decides to have one of his tiny tantrums that almost always lead to bizarre penalties. Only Gene can get away with such displays because they somehow prove his innocence, like a teenager who doesn't understand that driving too fast past the police barracks is just going to get them in trouble, not actually accomplish anything.
Gene said "fuck" a lot and had to sit in the box once is what we're trying to say. It was one of his Feelings games.
LEAST LIKELY TO SCORE ON A BREAKAWAY
Everyone. The first period ended with Letang going all Patrick Bateman on somebody who was trying to go in alone on MAF.
First and second period the Pens were on the PP 8 times but nothing happened. Dupuis got called for boarding and nothing also happened except that Matt Cooke had the longest breakaway ever, it was like Karlsson wasn't even trying to keep up with him. Cookie is not fast.

Karlsson looks like a spent mare. What was with him today. Norris Trophy up there in Canada's Capital of Dicks wasn't looking so hot at all.

Anyway Anderson still wasn't giving one up to Mattie. Press was all over it, though. They sensed a moment. Their senses were wrong.

FACTS YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD PUSHED OUT VIA EXTENSIVE THERAPY IN ORDER TO COMBAT NIGHT TERRORS
Jason Spezza is still in the NHL.

He forced MAF to give up his only rebound of the night, which led to a sloppy seconds goal by a Cornell boy named Colin Greening, who we'd actually never heard of but he doesn't appear to be totally worthless on paper, anyway. Stat padding. It's tied.

Spezza is Gollum.

It's at this point that ROOT Sports finally realizes that Niskanen hasn't played all period, and we begin our final descent into purgatory and possibly hell, where the local time is Fuck.

FEELING YOU MISSED MOST DURING THE LOCKOUT
That third period puke feeling during a tie game, when if you win, it's a good win, and if you lose, it's the third loss in a row to some asshole Canadian team that you usually try to pretend isn't even there.
But they're watching. Canada is all-seeing.
The Penguins' defense somehow dragged itself together in Niskanen's absence. Ben Lovejoy actually played more than 10 minutes and didn't falter in all of them. Letang played almost 30 minutes.
Paul Martin had an amazing journeyman game that will leave you shaking and sobbing on the floor should you choose to relive it. What a game by Paul Martin. What a third period by Paul Martin.
Tanner Glass had a revelatory shift with Evgeni. Already made more of an impact on one shift than Eric Tangradi has made in his entire library of NHL game experience. We don't even know what happened. Sid almost scored eight times, Gene hit the post on a 3-on-1. Joe Vitale almost murdered a man in open view of thousands of people. Malkin may have attacked Chris Neil for no known reason during a change. Fleury was a fucking brick wall.

This feeling is irresistible and bad for your health.

MOST FLAGRANT DISPLAYS OF HEROISM
When overtime started it was all Sens and we all threw up.
Engelland does a clean defense on a breakaway. Gets the puck and doesn't trip the man. Redemption play from Engo who made a couple little mistakes earlier. Martin has a similar play with another breakaway. Why are we giving them up in the first place? Who knows. And Orpik lifts a stick to save our souls.
It does go to shootout though. Fucking shootout.

Milan Michalek tries to go five hole. Fleury doesn't care. Save.
James Neal, whatever, of course he was going to score. 1-0.

Jason Spezza skates in on Fleury as children everywhere begin to sob without knowing why. He scores. 1-1.
Sid puts a disgusting move on Anderson, though. More disgusting than your bins get when there's a holiday and no one comes to pick up the trash for like 2 weeks. 2-1.


MAF has perhaps his first serious shootout error ever when Kyle Turris shoots on him, MAF stops it, but it drops and just ever so slowly flutters to the back of the net. Tough to take that. Turris, who looks like one of those suspiciously tan pretty dudes from high school who always came to class late, didn't bring a lot of skill to the skills competition there.

And then it was Malkin's turn, and Malkin is always shitty at the shootout. Kim said "gene is usually really bad" to me in chat just as he skated to the middle. And you know that saying like YOU HAD ONE JOB? Well, Gene had one job, and he buried it. Came easily. No fuss.
3-2 in the SO
Pens win 2-1.

Fitting that Tanner should congratulate MAF in an early candidate for MOST ADORABLE PHOTO OF SOMEONE CONGRATULATING MAF.


Bye Canada.

sad for everyone except us

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

MOST UNWANTED BALL-TAPPING

Chris Phillips this is not the place or time for such actions.
Matt looks seriously shocked.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
3. Deryk Engelland. Christ Jesus God this hurts to look at.
Click for full size, k.


2. gonch probably we miss him when is he coming home mom why isn't sergei coming home
1. Paul Martin. duh. Probably should have been a real one but people who do three stars selections possibly don't watch hockey and they chose, after the goaltenders, someone named Mark Borowiecki who had 7 hits and a giveaway. Sure, Ottawa, whatever you say.

Next, we take the Isles at home. Pens have had just one home game so far. But they're coming home again now.
We look forward to it the way you look forward to episodes of The Price is Right when you are taking a personal day to sit at home and eat snacks.
 

It's times like these -
4 games into the season, full of opinions about what we are doing wrong, seething over the existence of Canada in general - that we need to remember what life was like just a few weeks ago.
No season.
No real hope for a season.
About to watch the only thing in our lives that really matters (whatever, spouses) get washed down the drain to the omnipresent sound of Gary Bettman's maniacal laughter as red clouds swirled in the sky and maybe something about 4 horsemen or something.
IT WAS THAT BAD.

So let's take a moment to be glad that we have something to be upset about.
Like losing to people in Canada. CANADA.
Or the fact that our defensive zone looks like dog shit. 
Or Rob Rossi. 

What are those glasses?
Other than an affront to common decency. 
Zoe said it best:

Be happy to be back to being hateful. 
It's a good thing.
This game, however...
I'm just saying. Watch out for the horseshit on the red carpet tonight.

HOPES MOST LIKELY TO BE DASHED
You are waiting.
We are waiting.
The world is waiting for Sid's fist monster game. We alll want it. We all want him to breeze past the hat trick, scream at someone, blow our minds with his unrealness. It's just such a special part of being a Pens fan, the fact that you get to have such a thing to look forward to. 
So when Kunitz gets that pass to Sid, and Sid then finds some I-sold-my-soul-to-the-devil way to get it into the net, you're thinking it might be that time again. 
The press is taking tequila shots. 
I mean it.
More on this later.
Here's a picture of not-this-goal-but-close-enough-if-you're-wasted to fill the void.

There's all kinda shit happening there.

SADDEST GOAL, IN RETROSPECT
There's this 2 on 1 situation and Crosby is looking hot.
He shoots five hole and it's not even a question of his skills, it's a question of if you deserve to watch him play or not.
We're not all about Crosby worship all the time, but when it happens it happens.

They say 'tis better to have loved and lost...
But this goal just made the possibilities seem endless.
Unfortunately for us, the end was a tunnel painted onto a brick wall. 
Ugh.

JETS GOAL THAT WE WILL MOST GRACIOUSLY ACCEPT
Kane does some things.
Unlike the phrase mothers like to tell their miserable children, we believe that when it comes to enemy team goals, if you have something nice to say don't say anything at all.
This is what it felt like. 

If I were on my computer with photoshop, this would be ideal.
But that's all the way upstairs, goddamnit. 
Use your imaginations.

MOST MISINFORMED YOU'VE EVER BEEN ABOUT THE TONE OF A GAME

Pretty early in the second you're willing to say you like the play of this game.
Sure, it helps that we're up, but the Jets look solid too. The Pens look awesome. Penalties are nonexistent. Play is fast and very skilled. The goalies are looking beastly. While we love a blowout, we love a skilled game even more. 
But just as we're starting to admire it, that horrible thing starts to happen again.
Poor little Vokoun looked out from his bit of cheese.

HEY YOU GUYS, I CAN'T FILL ALL THESE HOLES MYSELF, YOU GOT ME?
GUYS?
GUYS?!?!?!?!

Our defensive zone just deteriorates.
Suddenly it's got more holes in it than your girlfriend's story about where she was tonight.
You see Byfuglie's goal coming from a mile away. You've almost reached "acceptance" by the time it actually hits the back of the net. 
We don't need to rehash all the gory details with a photo, so here's Byfuglie's real contribution to the evening:

Thanks!

SADDEST YOU FELT FOR BENNY ALL NIGHT

I mean, swiss cheese and all, it was still sad to watch it happen to him. He's so cute. We still think of him lovingly as our favorite former blogger. 

Awww. Benny.
Come here for hugs.
We forgive you.
You tried so hard.

LEAST EXISTENT THING. 
Empty net goals are only real when we score them.
Yeah, it's bitchy of us.
But we run the show here, so fuck off.

THIS JUST IN: PENS NEVER LOSING AGAIN.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

DRUNKEST
The Press wins its first award of the season. It was inspired. Seriously.
This series is just one example:

WEIRDEST VACATION THEFT
Apparently Tanner Glass spent the exact amount of time in India doing the exact same things I did and going to the exact same places as me. Not even all touristy places.

I could superimpose THE EXACT SAME PHOTO of myself and my manfriend at the Golden Temple over this and pretend I went on vacation with Tanner and his wife. 
Wait...Holiday card idea. 

ALT THREE STARS
1. You, if you watched to the final buzzer like a champ.
2. America. For not being Canada.
3. Marc Andre Fleury. 

For making our dreams come alive with this photo.


We'll get it next time.
Hey, it's hockey. We'll take it all, good and bad.
Go Pens.