Who's excited for the draft 'cause we're excited for the draft!!!one!1@
THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO IN THE COMING WEEKS
- list of people invited to picnics this summer
- our predictions for the NHL Awards and (eventually) the OFFICIAL PH awards show
- thoughts on the draft in general
- some good party ideas for summer outdoor patio extravaganzas, as well as rainy day activities.
- whatevs fuck it's summer
So, how about that Dion Phaneuf? MAYBE HE CAN TURN THE LEAFS AROUND
Where do you think Vesa Toskala will end up this offseason (we miss him)?
Did ya'll see True Blood last night?
Leave your thoughts in the comments.
EDIT: if you haven't already, go read our
Eulogy of the Philadelphia Flyers
on PD. Wyshynski's comments section thinks we're weak and meh and not funny. Oh, and immature. LOVE 'EM. <3
Isn't sarcasm, cockiness, and bitchiness par for the course for these things?
You'd be surprised how seriously some people take us!
UGH CHICAGO PLEASE GO BACK TO YOUR ROOMS AND DID WE SAY YOU COULD TURN ON YOUR STEREOS BECAUSE WE DIDN'T YOU ARE GROUNDED
oh wait. . .
It's kind of hard to send the Stanley Cup Champions to their rooms when they're all drunk on champagne and Molson and being rowdy and getting dirt and blood all over the new sectional sofas and oh dear they've already cracked the HD TV screen and this is just bad.
We'll be hiding in the basement.
This will go down in history as the goal that nobody saw. Everyone was confused. NBC was confused. The goal judge was confused. The refs just gave up at being alive. And it just happened and Kaner was doing things and we were just so disappointed.
We weren't even disappointed for these guys. Come on, you don't think we were rooting for them because we liked them all that much, do you? I mean, they're kind of hard to be pissed off at when all they do in recent years is lose and embarrass themselves, but it's not like they are our favorites or anything. We could waste time being disappointed that what everybody knew was going to happen ended up happening, and feel bad that the underdogs didn't do it, and yada yada yada. No, what's really disappointing was the style.
Nobody saw this goal go in. Not the goal judge, not the referee. . .certainly not Pudding over here. It was just annoying. Unexpected, surreal, whatever. We prefer "annoying." Stupid goal. Cups should be won with more flourish and pimp strut than all that. Instead we got a lucky goal from PKane. Whatever.
We formed a committee to decide who is allowed to have the Stanley Cup from Chicago and we came up with five names. They are as follows:
Even though he was a total joke choice for Conn Smythe, he did captain the team, and he wasn't younger than Sid was or anything blasphemous like that, so we'll allow it. And would you just look at that face? Hearkening back to MySpace, that one. Despite the fact that he handed the Cup to Hossa first. Should have been Duncan. But we'll let this slide for now on the basis of the face.
Obviously. Duh. Put some applesauce in that thing for him.
BECAUSE IT IS PARTY TIME FOR THE MESH HAT SLEEVE OPTIONAL CREW
We weren't going to allow it but he resubmitted his application to remind us that he is extremely fat, a goaltender, and also Finnish, and kind of cute, and we really couldn't say no.
Everyone else is not allowed. This is the official word. None of this will happen on our watch. DUSTIN, PUT IT DOWN. YOU ARE LUMBERING AROUND CLOSE TO ALL OF THE FINE CHINA.
No, really. Congratulations to Chicago on their season. Congratulations to Philadelphia for theirs. It's hard enough to get to the Finals, let alone win them. We've been there too. Both of ya'll.
Summer fun, we guess?
When is hockey again?
. . .WHEN?!?!?!
Also, temporary announcement: we will be doing a find and replace for objectionable words. The word you now know as "Belegost" will soon be "Belegost." This is so some company will put ads on our sites (which, btw, you CAN block if you really need to, though I mean, we don't recommend it. . .). After a few days everything will go back to normal.
Belegost this, bitches.
We've already established that we have so little to care about until free agency happens, basically.
However, tomorrow night is still an important night in hockey. While we will not be adversely affected by anything that happens until July 1, we still kind of know what would be good for hockey, and that would be for the Flyers to force 7.
If this idea annoys you, just don't be a homer:
- The Flyers are the underdogs in this series--you have to love seeing underdogs pull it out a little bit, even if they don't ultimately win.
- If the Pens can't be winning, we want the hockey to be exciting. There's nothing interesting about watching a team other than our team pull out to a 4-0 lead and coast to victory.
- If Chicago wins in 7, good for their fans in the arena! Wooo!
- If Philadelphia wins in 7, the hockey gods will have an aneurysm at two teams two years in a row winning Game 7 for the Cup on the road. And it's probably that sort of whack in the balls that the league needs to usher out trap-minded teams and coaches and encourage teams to USE their talent and get adventurous. Philadelphia, a 7 seed, would not be where they are without some serious balls. Admit it.
- Neither team has been more classless than the other. There is a serious douche contingent on both teams. This is not an easy case of "good" versus "evil", or rooting for a lesser evil. It basically comes down to choosing which variety of douche you prefer on the side. Do you like the cocksure assholery and grease stains of the modern day Blackhawks, or the shameless menagerie of bitching and shit-sucking that is the 2009-2010 Philadelphia Flyers? It's like choosing between bacterial and viral conjunctivitis. Whatever.
- In the event of a Game 7 we'll probably write some kind of NBC-oriented drinking game, and you KNOW you want us to come up with another drinking game.
In other news:
1. The Pronger-in-a-dress thing that everyone is LOLing about on Twitter and Facebook really isn't that interesting or funny. Get over it. We really wouldn't be surprised if Pronger did dress in drag in his spare time, though. He'd make an intimidating lady.
2. No pics from recent press conferences or whatever on our favorite press photography website means they didn't happen.
3. Pudding to start for Philly tomorrow night.
Nothing else. Everyone is an asshole. We don't care.
Re-sign Mark Eaton or something and at least give Jordan Leopold our numbers so he can text us and we can invite him to picnics.
Tonight was the first game of the Cup Finals that didn't make us want to kill ourselves. Just all kinds of good action, and the right kinds at the right moments.
The Blackhawks really showed their douche tonight. Here are the Blackhawks who did wrong things:
Andrew Ladd (played for Burish, took some penalty)
Patrick Kane (still hasn't showed up to the series from his date with some seventh grader with blonde-and-pink extensions; word on the street is they're playing laser tag)
Dustin Byfuglien (purportedly missing but we can't believe something that fat could get lost)
Duncan Keith (we love you Duncan but really?)
Antti Niemi (obviously failed to access Leighton's secret Broad Street pudding bunker)
Marian Hossa (he apparently played over 18 minutes. We didn't notice)
Based on his recent sass to the press, we've determined that he wants to have sex with himself in a pile of shit.
In front of a mirror.
example video from yesterday's press conference here
that man is in love with his own diarrhea.
Jeff Carter heard you all wanted to have sex with him, so he tried to deliver by outworking Duncan at the Flyers blueline.
Ladies, open those legs.
The series is now a best of three.
If Adam Burish and his dongballoons have anything to say about it, it's going to be wild.
blah blah blah
Reiteration: Patrick Kane was a Belegosting MINUS FOUR.
sooo much fail
As I was watching the horror unfold last night, I came upon this solid gold image:
Immediately, I knew that horse and goat were doing an interpretive dance representing the playoffs relationship between Kaner and Big Buff.
Press realized they had a gem of a story in their laps when they read Byfuglien's stat sheet and said, "NO WAI" to his listed weight of 257. That's what it takes for the press to get all into it. 257.
Up first is the kind of article that would make even Beth Ditto squirm. And it was linked to the front page of MSN, so America, Hockey. Hockey, America.
"You are probably going to ask me until I'm done playing," Byfuglien said. "Maybe you'll still ask about my weight then. It's going to be an issue I'll have to deal with." Awww. Orca fat.
Writer calls Buff "sturdy" and Patty Kane skirts the whole issue like a pro. Beautiful.
The only one dealing with this important issue in a constructive manner is none other than semi-official Blackhawk mascot and famous sort of fat dude, Vince Vaugh.
Soothing Dustin's insecurity one bite at a time.
Vince's solution? FEED HIM. And his lady. Vaugh's out on the town, looks over to see Byfuglien gorging himself, and picks up the tab. It's sushi so it's healthy? Please consult with Coach before you do this again, Vince. And do not feed Eager, he's looking "sturdy", too.
It has been a weekend of drinking, smoking, and cavorting.
Some of us alone, some of us with friends, many of us in the humid, sunshiny world that is southwestern Pennsylvania without playoff hockey, many of us in other, more glamorous locales entirely.
All we know is, Chicago's game winner was scored by Tomas Belegosting Kopecky, and the Cup Final changes everything.
What happens in Game 2 is totally up for grabs still.
some hastily prepared notes:
whatever guys, nothing can save the fact that Kaner's mouthguard looks like a slug of gelatinous, dripping mucous in this picture.
also check out the smile on Captain Elbow:
We're considering making Captain Elbow the PH mascot these playoffs, in honor of The Hat:
remember The Hat?
Someone please tell us you remember the hat.
Plus we still find this photo mysteriously inspirational.
Without Penguins hockey, batshit crazy happens. Sorry you have to suffer with us.
Keep the faith that there is good in the universe.
Oh and late edit, Pronger is also a dick to the media. Surprise.
Puck drops for the SCF in Chicago tonight. Jesus.
It's going to be a shitshow. Chelsea Dagger will be begging to be unleashed. Chicagoans will feel that this is their first chance in a long time to do anything meaningful in sports (the NBA in the 90's feels like a dream, doesn't it?).
But we're hockey fans. The Stanley Cup is the most resonant of sports championships. Bitches wish they could touch this.
And Chicago and Philadelphia will start leering lecherously at it tonight. We're not saying we authorized this. Just that it will be a moment to savor, whether for its utter absurdity and your burning rage, or for its excitement.
The photographers that so brought us practice-time joy in the national media are in Illinois right now, and Patrick Sharp looks to Curry:
Mike Richards is focusing on something at middle distance that we think might be somebody's crotch.
We've noticed a strange amount of forbidden sexual energy being directed at Mr. Jeff Carter lately. He might be the hero you never knew you had, or it might have something to do with Uranus entering Aries or whatever.
Pudding doing his best to look like a champion (and failing).
Maybe Dustin will eat his pudding supply and put an end to everything:
Unless he eats Kaner first, which would really solve most of our problems.
What's that Richie? Dehydrated from all of your lascivious staring?
At least Pronger has his mind right:
Can you tell?
Don't fret, Duncan, baby. You're obviously invited to all of the picnics when this is over. We'll bring some soft foods for you.
Feel free to request any more picspam.
Someone will win this game tonight, which is a horrifying enough prospect. We won't dump any more feelings on you.
Every man for himself. Hang onto your juice boxes.
We know which team is the only team that matters. These other fools are just pretending.
Puck Daddy and the Post-Gazette have the Pens/Caps Winter Classic set for Heinz Field this coming New Year's Day.
We said our peace about this shit already way back in March.
Oh NHL. Whatever.
Cup Finals on Saturday.
This ad campaign is actually pretty cool and features Billy G being a child with a pretty incredible skeez-beard: