The lockout has brought them closer to good Russian cooking, and to each other. Both are playing for Magnitogorsk during the lockout. Gonch is living in the "base" apparently which stirs up mental images of him being in some kind of military bunker, wearing fabulous sweaters and smoking a briar pipe next to the ventilation ducts while sipping high-quality vodka and listening to the radio late into the night.

OH GOD WE HAVE MISSED THIS POETRY.

So, we haven't been posting much lately, obviously, because NHL news has been depressing. But now that this non-season is, so far, a reality, we might want to try to get back on the horse. As gently and daintily as possible.

Thoughts, anyone?
Go Pens. Go Metallurg.

It is going to be a long, long summer.

We didn't make it rain. But there's plenty of time.

Go Pens.

LINE UP FOR WORSHIP. PariseWatch is in full effect and Rejean locked Sid down for 12 years at the same 8.7 million dollar cap hit he's been chilling with for years now.
Even if the Pens don't get Parise, we'd like to offer this Blingee as a tribute to Sid and Zachary's international friendship (the best ship):


GO PENS

Fuck.
So if you live under a rock/hate the Internet, you are the only person who doesn't know that Staal turned down $60 million over 10 years this week and there were all these ~~~~rumors.
Well, he's gone. For an 8th overall pick this year (hello to Derrick Pouliot--we weren't even sure if we wanted you but okay) and BRANDON SUTTER and some kid named Brian Dumoulin who has an amazing Twitter if you're interested. HE REPS THE GHETTOS OF MAINE, GUYS.

We really, really should have seen this coming because Staal is actually an amazing player with unbelievable potential that really can't be unlocked when you're primarily playing with grinders in the bottom half of the NHL depth chart.
What worries us is that we've given up a prodigious two-way forward. And that we dumped part of Staal's salary instead of Paul Martin's.
We'll always remember where we were for this:


But heyyyy there Brandon:

Granted, Ehrhoff was balls on this play. Didn't care. Probably because he plays for Buffalo.
I mean it's amazing that Sutter can care in Carolina.

Every highlight on YouTube is of Sutter on a breakaway. Interesting.

You can check it out yourself.

We thought the Staal Brothers Drinking Game was dead.
But for a Pens/Carolina game on ROOT, it could reach new dizzying heights.
No one cares about Marc Staal apparently.
It's going to be the most bittersweet drinking ever.
A battle against Sod Power and Other Powers.

whatever.
Brandon Sutter probably eats babies to stay young and fresh and we're 100% okay with that.

GO PENS~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh so here is Gene being the best person of all time:


The Fan Police will have you believe that he did something wrong, that he made a faux pas by calling this "the best day of his life."
It probably is the best day of his life, idiots. When else has he been able to confidently present himself to the entire world and explain, in English, how thankful he is to be where he is today?
I mean really. He did a good job. He's having a great time. He's an adult human being now and he has earned multifaceted respect from the hockey universe that extends beyond one superhuman Cup run. Lots of people have superhuman Cup runs and then fade into obscurity. Gene is not that player. He doesn't have to cling to former glory because there is more for him to do. So whatever. Suck it.

This season changed the game and not all of it has been good--in fact most of it has been bad. But there's always tomorrow. Depending on what happens this summer, everything could be different. Cherish it.

GO PENS.

Here's to us. Who's like us? DAMN FEW.

Congratulations to the LA Kings on their victory, and congratulations to Rob Scuderi, who is awesome and deserves great things.

Enjoy your summer, friends.

And, as always:

GO PENS

Because accusing people of being pedophiles is HILARIOUS, rite?


Link to the post.
apparently making graphics containing inappropriate statements that you don't agree wtih and plastering on the Internet is acceptable?
I mean we're all for free speech, when it isn't outlandish and hateful.

Pedophiles molest children.
Brooks Orpik is a hockey player.
What on earth makes someone request this graphic in the first place?
Basement-dwelling bullshit on the level of Reddit.
Which is apparently from a Penguins fan?
Girl you gotta get your mind right.  There are some things we don't make lulz.  Violence and sex can be made campy--that's why those are our jokes.  Really isn't anything you can do to camp-ify child abuse and general inappropriate behavior. 

EVERYTHING IS HILARIOUS

GO DEVILS 

Probably on the Kings bandwagon screaming into the void and fellating everyone.

I know we shouldn't be mad at the Kings or hoping they don't win because they're an 8 seed, wouldn't that be cool
But we're just assholes. We're not sorry. THE HIPSTEREST OF THE HIPSTERS AND THE BEARDS AND THE URBAN OUTFITTERS

Could Ilya ever swap out his early-2000's girl jeans for some pegged black slacks and some flannel?
Who knows?



With Ham Jizz we stand.

GO DEVILS

feel free to discuss the SCF in the comments, if you still love us.

Isn't all of this Internet chirping getting out of hand?
I mean. That's an erroneous statement. People have been dicks about being fans of something since fandom came to be and since people started using words, so it's been probably millions of years since this whole chirping thing has been ~out of hand.
We'll say it right now and we don't care who reads it: the cocky Kings fans right now need to get fucking humble. It's the Stanley Cup, it isn't exactly easy, and just because some dude on some other team is laid a cheap shot on one player one time doesn't mean that no one on your team hasn't done the same thing. It also doesn't mean that your fans are better or more knowledgeable or that no one on your team can be called an asshole, a diver, or a piece of shit scumbag.
IT'S HOCKEY EVERYONE CHIRPS, EVERY TEAM EMPLOYS SOMEONE WHO HAS AT ONE TIME DONE SOMETHING QUESTIONABLE, AND EVERY TEAM HAS GOOD AND BAD FANS.
Even Atlantapeg. We'll concede it.
If you have a problem with that you should probably go eat a dick or something WOOOOOO SEE DID WE GET CHIRPING DOWN RIGHT.
also that one guy on your team is a scumbag he was probably in with Hitler as early as the 20's so SHUT UP.

The way this game ended was lame. Coyotes get a defenseman (well, it was Michal Roszival) taken down by Dustin Brown (being a punk) and he has to be helped off the ice and all of a sudden. . .~goal~.


Sad day. We wanted to see Ray Whitney raise it this year.


Based on NBC's camera angle, they did get close enough to intimately brush cheeks. Someone write the one-shot NC-17 fanfic on LiveJouranl STAT!


Brown is a coward. but you knew this.
Quick, Doughty, Kopitar, etc. all solid players. Our anger is based on being outnumbered. We thirsted for blood, what we got was a fucking fairytale, and we aren't even in it.


We are on Team Christmas Ham for the lulz and to piss everyone off.

But we really do love Zach Parise (aka one of many Captain Americas) and Petey. Yes, the Petey you all know and love. Even if he isn't playing at the moment.




The Rangers are whatevs.
At this point we want the outcome that is going to piss off the maximum amount of people.
It's sports, it's the one area of your life where it's permissible to be bitter.

So hop on the Devils train, it's the flag we're flying. If they win the Cup we might buy Brodeur jerseys.

Take nothing we say to heart.

Go Pens. Go Devils.

Come on if Brooks Orpik thinks being gay is perfectly all right how can you say no?
Do you want to wake up with your family eviscerated?

We love You Can Play. I mean we're the kind of people who like to make firm stances about equality ~in general~ but their narrow focus is bringing attention to a very important issue.
Also, Brooks Orpik.

We're in a fight with the Coyotes btw and we know everyone is on LA's dick but really.

Team New Jersey? GO PENS