The Winnipeg Jets will eternally remind us of the early-mid 1990's when everything was topsy turvy and strange in the world.
We still stand by the fact that the current Winnipeg Jets are a strange trick being played on us by the space-time continuum.
Perhaps we can break this curse by comparing all 12 goals scored in this game to outfits from the wonderful corner of the Internet that is FUCK YEAH UGLY 90'S CLOTHES.

The first Penguins goal dawned with confidence and brashness, like Drew Barrymore in a leopard print bra. I mean, no one expected Tyler Kennedy to finally make good on one of those sweet setups from Sidney Crosby.


Yeaaaah gurrrrllllllll.

Immediately, Jim Slater and Bryan Little comes back and score some goals, putting the Penguins down, and at least a tiny bit stunned. Not that they showed it in their play at that moment, but run-and-gun and sloppy defense was the name of the game. Little's was on the power play, a 4-minute high stick on Evgeni Malkin that actually was kind of an accident. But no one cared.


This was our soul at that moment. Just really ugly stuff.

But the Pens got a PP after Toby Enstrom did something stupid. Letang passed to Sid who made some insane god-tier pass to Malkin who sent it across for James Neal. James would soon be the Pretty Party story of the night. Unbelievable existence.

BARBIE JEANS WEEKEND
for those following along at home, that makes it 2-2.

Vey early in the second, Malkin's line goes out for a standard, in your face type shift. No one knows what is happening. It was a bold move, but someone had to do it.

And oh my, that hair. We'll see you later, James Neal's Hair.

Bryan Little showed up at the party again. The one he was very directly not invited to.


In an odd turn of events however, Tyler Kennedy was invited, and brought all of the honeys with him and Sid. Is this bizarro world or what?


dat ass.


And then there was Malkin.

At this point, Ondrej Pavelec had a fucking meltdown and had to leave? We're not really sure what happened there. We feel bad. The Thrashers used to have Pavelec, Kari Lehtonen, and Johan fucking Hedberg which made them, on looks alone, perhaps the most fuckable goaltending trio of all time. We still sympathize with Ondrej as well because we think he is probably a cool guy in a bad situation. We have many happy memories tied to the Thrashers franchise, usually to do with fantasizing about Johan and beating them to death.
We feel this picture best represents Ondrej:


Stapleton scored. We didn't want it, but it happened.

Paul Martin lost his man like 2 times in this game at least. Man.

James Neal rolled up though and told us not to worry. He accepted the pass and put it behind Chris Mason. Who we barely remember is alive. Poor fellow.
James Neal would like to welcome you to his heaven, which is also our heaven, but might be your hell. Second career hat trick. First with the Penguins. The homecoming is sweet.


Some ladies might like vintage Gosling? We really do prefer James. We have to admit.

Best Day Ever.

Malkin then scored some completely unrealistic goal that to the Jets/Thrashers must have been just an epic punch in the balls. I mean. How did he even aim that for the net?
Sometimes people score goals from way behind the net that are just like "umm, physics just quit on the universe, we don't even know." Then there are some where you think it might have been intentional. And the bottom falls out of your worldview.

But in a good way.

Dupuis had a snipejob too, for good measure. If you're going to allow four you might as well score at least twice as many for insurance.

Here is Alyssa Milano in a strange hat.
We've got nothing else. Just sloppy bullshit compounded with total offensive domination.

It's an interesting point that the Jets power play is amazing at home and dead last on the road. Could they be a case study for how much the "extra man" of the crowd can affect the outcome of the game?

PRETTY PARTY




God we are so spoiled.
Hope you enjoyed the post as it comes from the innermost depths of our souls.

GO PENS.

It can't all be singing and laughing and drinking the blood of our enemies out of a golden chalice while 80s music plays on a continuous loop in the background.

 
No, not like the blood of Christ. This involves no symbolism. Bitches be literal.

Sometimes bad shit happens in the midst of awesome things, like when you go to summer camp and make a lot of really cool friends and win at capture the flag and the canoe race but then at night in the cabin your camp counselor touches you in your bathing suit area.
That's what this felt like.
Philadelphia touched us all up in our bathing suit areas.

 
Yeah, that person holding the sign?
That woman who thinks it's still the 90s / man who thinks it's still the 80s, the one with the fine sheen of determination and possibly a coating of Italian dressing - that human touched your no-nos. 
I HOPE YOU WEREN'T SAVING YOURSELF FOR ANYTHING.


"No, I'm sorry, I only date women who would be able to handle a unicorn if the situation arose." 



Craigsy makes it happen in the first period, which was a pretty intense period, considering it was a Sunday game. 
We sort of wonder if the players feel like us, and look at the clock saying "really, I am expected to do this now?" Not that any time is a bad time for hockey, but sometimes a bitch has to wash her dishes while the sun is still up.

There's a lot of over-the-pants action for the rest of the first and for almost the entire second period. Nothing gets done, but the foreplay is, well, it's junior-year-of-college good. And just like in college, just when you thought it wasn't going to happen and that everyone involved was wasting their time,

Score.
Now you have something to tell everyone about during your study group.


No lewd caption necessary.

Of course, then came the backlash.

Simmonds and Fatty manage to tie it up in the third, thanks to a lot of luck, and the distractions caused by a professional athlete somehow having MULTIPLE CHINS.


OT was fast and head-on. It flew by, but not quickly enough, because Fatty grabbed it in the last second. 
.9 seconds left, to be exact.

So the Flyers walked out of this one with two points, but not really through skill and talent. Just thuggery and deceptive fatness.



(It took everything in me not to turn their sticks into lightsabers in this one. Goddamnit.)

But really, how can you expect Philly to keep it classy? They never had any class to keep.

Whatevs. We get a point, we're looking awesome, and we couldn't care less about Philly. You know why?


The King has Returned.


Go Pens.



 

We all know the Kafkaesque terror that comes out of playing in New Jersey. Well, someone must have given it tuberculosis because it didn't show up.

The Penguins have won 11 straight. This game had its painful little hiccups. Crosby still hasn't scored; maybe we should trade him. I mean he is kind of too pretty to hang out with the other kids:

Oh, Captain. it's good to see you back and making unattractive faces.

MOST STUNNING AND OCCASIONALLY UPSETTING MOMENTS
Chris Kunitz was awarded a penalty shot early, but Brodeur definitely didn't bite on his move. Like 2 seconds later James Neal scored a goal super early on off of the faceoff. Brodeur was unable to deal with this and it was so shocking that nobody took any pictures of anything. Just a "derp" move by the press.
They did, however, capture this great Pens fans presence in NJ during warmups. We'll take it. It is a sign of things to come.
Oh wait here is a weird picture of Neal as Kovalchuk looks on in soft angst and wonders where his favorite jeans are right now and if they miss him.



Brodeur then made a series of insane saves on Sid. Slapshot, rebounds.

Does Sidney Crosby even seem like a real person anymore? Does he seem more like the unrealistic Baby Jesus of the past? Does he seem like he is being suspended above a stormy ocean looking straight into the eyes of Poseidon, unflinching in his resolve?

Whatever. He's pretty good.

We hear about a terrifying place that Marek Zidlicky once inhabited called "Mike Yeo's doghouse." We can only assume that Sidney Crosby has never been there. What a terrifying idea.

Andy Greene Some kid named Josefson scored a goal that was like barely a goal.

w/e. We had our doubts but they were few. Nothing else really happened.

MOST MEMORIES
When Alexei Ponikarovsky shot the puck into the logo.



But Pascal Dupuis runs all of his shifts lately in God Mode. Zero fucks given. His face at having sniped Martin Brodeur is priceless. Some monounsaturated fats undulated out of his orifices as the goal went in. See?


Then, all of a sudden, Matt Cooke emerged from his lair and tipped a shot in.


Brodeur's face tells a terrifying story. Matt Cooke's ass is all up in his business and it is a stunning sight. We love it when people go to the net. Starting to see more and more of the Matt Cooke we know and love, from the past, before all of the Bad Things happened.

MOST AMMUNITION AND WARMEST KITCHEN FIRE
Then. Then! The Pens got a PP. And Crosby, battling along the boards, manages to thread some kind of unbelievable pass to Gene for a one-timer. One of the best passes we've seen in a long, long, LONG time. Jesus Christ.

GATHER 'ROUND THE KIDS, EUGENE
WE MADE IT THROUGH THE WINTER!!!!

By the end of the third, the shots were something like 26-9 Penguins. Seriously.

AS THE ICE AROUND OUR HEARTS MELTS
The sun rose on the 3rd period, which was strange and awkward.
Everyone was out examining the spring seedlings when Petr Sykora frolicked up and made a thing happen.
We were pretty Whatevs about it. We can't get mad at Petey. We just can't.
But it was 4-2, and we didn't want to have some kind of wretched collapse into the depths of the Earth. There is, of course, a win streak at risk here. And embarrassment to the Devils. Which we are sick of.

NEVER THE FUCK YOU MIND, CHILDREN

PENS WIN! 5-2. yup.

INDIVIDUAL AWARD
PRETTY PARTY

The stars are just perfectly placed.
Not Fleury's best game, but it's kind of hard to stay sharp when you only face 14 shots. We understand.

We dare you not to get terrified of Sid's eyes boring into your soul through the visor here.

Who's the pretty one here? Volchenkov, clearly.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Kris Letang - still going strong
2. Matt Niskanen - because
3. Jordan Staal - beast

philly in 10 minutes! go pens.

Oh, you know, the team beating up on the Rangers.
If the Rangers have been playing like this all season we have no idea who they're beating. Like Atlantapeg? The Bruins?
Sad times for the Bruins right now, too, btw. By the end of this game the Rangers just looked frigging demoralized and it had nothing to do with Sidney Crosby, really. Sid was very quiet. Poised and quiet. You can tell he is reeling himself in as he wants to charge through a thousand men, eviscerating them with his broken stick as he puts goals through all of the Vezina winners ever with the sheer force of his mind.
But: like 16 minutes. He is taking it slow. Can still protect the puck like a beast.
We'll see what happens when he gets his flow back.
But the real story of the game was Kris Letang, who logged all of the minutes, and whose hair is actually named The Flow. Maybe.

He was beyond perfect in everything he attempted and was a +5, with 1 assist.

I mean Crosby was good too. +3 and 1 assist.
LOOK AT HIM HE IS SO HAPPY DO YOU SEE






But he just couldn't match the class or offensive prowess of Matt Cooke, who embarrassed Stu Bickel for his first tally and also tipped another one in. Think: without Matt Cooke in this game, very little happens. Also apparently Tyler Kennedy was working on passing the puck this game. Man. Things just keep getting more surreal. It's like someone slipped the Infinite Improbability Drive into the basement of Madison Square Garden.
The team is healthy.
No one died.
Troy and Trina Crosby somehow didn't create a black hole in MSG with their presence.
We got this beautiful photograph of Jordan Staal and Steve Eminger out of the deal. Is this even from this century?


SO BASICALLY HOW COOL DO WE FEEL RIGHT NOW


ballin idk

We have a very tough schedule here at the end. But with enough swagger, we can get it done.
This won't be like last season.

GO PENS.

Okay.
First of all, thanks for the emails and tweets and stuff. It reminds us that people like us. We didn't pause due to drama or anything, we're just real people and this happens to be a busy season.
That said, your requests that we keep on keepin' on reminded us of an obligation.
Some bloggers think fans have an obligation to be consistantly vocal because they grace the internet with their completelyamazingandnewi'msure ideas. We say nay - we have an obligation to YOU. We promised we'd be here, and here we are. You guys are better than the jobbers at some certain places that fill the comments with
"My wife made meatload, what did your make?"
"Lasagna. I have to go to sleep soon."
"Yeah me too. Hope your dog feels better."
We pray that we become forgotten before such codependent chodes fill our inbox with garbage.
You guys fill our inbox with blingees and scary dance videos and jpegs with really concerning topics and horrifying interviews translated from Russian magazines and a passing moment we missed in a game. It's AWESOME.
Every hockey fan should be so lucky. So we try to pass what we get onto everyone. We're going to keep trying for a while. We'll have slumps and hard times, but we promise to give advance notice if we're going to Shut It Down.

ON ANOTHER NOTE:

IS A TERRORIST ORGANIZATION.

Well. Okay maybe not. But still

100.7 occasionally plays this game called "Guess What Evgeni Malkin is Saying." 
I'd pretend to be offended, but really, it's kind of a hilarious concept. Well, or would have been if it were 2009 and his english still sucked. As is, I mean, you can kind of tell what he's saying. It's not hard, especially if you use context clues. 
So this morning on my way to work, they were playing the game. I don't call radio stations as a general rule of pride, but after too many people had called in and enraged me I called and translated the interview which was just essentially a description of what had happened in the game.

We know there are people who understand you, sweet Evgeni.

Anyway. They asked if I was a "Hockey Ho" which I guess is a misguided attempt at making a phrase like "Puck Bunny." I responded that I was not, but I am a hockey fan. 
Should we just assume that all people who listen to a certain kind of music are horrible people? 
Maybe we should.
*sigh*

We'll be bringing the laughs back soon. We enjoy you.
Go Pens.

We will return to our regularly scheduled broadcast in due course.
Don't Panic.
Does anyone read our blog anymore anyway? Man, we suck.
Love,
Zoë, Kimberly, and Mary.

We didn't watch the Leafs game last night. We were eating bone marrow at Meat & Potatoes, which is located at Penn Ave and 7th.
We imagine that this is actually a lot like what the Leafs game was. Chewing on and reveling in the fat.

This photo courtesy of Ted H. on Yelp. We didn't photograph anything, we were too busy eating.


A very odd picture of Pascal Dupuis and Brian Strait.


Gustavsson did not get any bone marrow.

PH Staff is either sick, busy, in love, or on vacation. Choose 3 or 4. Sorry for the lack of quality blogs. We hope to return to you in a more enlightened state.

Go Pens.

Hello, friends.

I was all set to recap this game in the normal way, but I spent the whole night laid up on the couch feeling pukey.

In lieu of a real recap, I give you a single picture that conveys everything you need to know about this game:

Yeah. It was pretty much like that.

Up next: Toronto and the NBC Sports Network.

Go Pens.

Hello, friends.

Once again, it's time for my favorite matchup ever. My current favorite team against my previous favorite team? I CANNOT BE SAD ABOUT THE OUTCOME OF THIS GAME!

As always, before every Pens/Avs game, I give you...

MARY'S MOM'S PREGAME COMMENTARY

"Matt Duchene is over an injury and started to score again, which is encouraging. Ryan O'Reilly and Gabriel Landeskog continue to be the best players on the team, and O'Reilly reminds me of Chris Drury as a clutch player."

"The defense is hardly noticeable, and the recent trades sent Kyle Quincey to the Red Wings (of all places!) and T.J. Galiardi (was one of my favorites) and Daniel Winnick to San Jose for others who have yet to do anything stellar because they just got here.  Peter Mueller is back from concussion syndrome, but does not play every game, and Semyon Varlamov (goalie) found his legs and has been playing well as of late. So J-S Giguere gets a vacation.  Milan Hejduk does what he does, and still has the magical hands, despite his age (just maybe not as often) - because he was never one to get banged up on purpose (think Peter Forsberg), and has a European work ethic, he has lasted well."

From the Denver Post this morning:

"1. Geno (Malkin) is touted as the best player in the NHL, in Crosby's absence.
2. J-S Giguere will start in goal for the Avs.
3. Gabriel Landeskog was named NHL rookie of the month for Feb, and was nominated for the Calder Trophy.
4. Chuck Kobasew will not play this evening.
5. Pens Kris Letang and Tyler Kennedy will not play, as will not Crosby, although he is on the trip.
6. Malkin is described as a leading candidate for the Hart Trophy."

"Time for Geno to shine." - Mary's Mom

Thanks, Mom! Your thoughts are always welcome, and are helpful.

I can't wait for Mom to be in town next weekend; we're going to the Pens/Bruins game.

Seeing the Pepsi Center makes me nostalgic for Denver. Don't get me wrong, I love Pittsburgh and all the people in it and my awesome house, husband, and dog, but I grew up in Denver and I miss it sometimes.

MOMENTS OF EXCELLENCE

After telling us all about his pre-game napping ritual ("At least a couple hours") Asham pulls a ridiculous fucking snipejob and scores.

About a minute later, Engelland redirects a puck out of the air and straight into the net. That thin mountain air must agree with them.

More of this, please, Mr. Engelland

GORDIE HOWE HAT TRICK REFERENCE COUNT: 1

 Asham is not content to merely score, but picks a fight with Cody McLeod and prompts some hand-wringing from Steiggy and Errey over his history of concussions.

Mess with the bull and you'll get the horns

A reference to Cal and Ryan O'Reilly being brothers makes me wonder about the other kind of fraternal drinking games in which we might engage.

Everyone knows about the Staal Brothers Drinking Game. It's our claim to fame.
None of the others are as good as that one.
Michalek Brothers Drinking Game when we play the Senators?
O'Reilly Brothers Drinking Game doesn't have the same ring to it.

STAAL BROTHERS DRINKING GAME FOR LIFE

MOMENT WHERE MAGNITOGORSK OWNS YOUR SOUL

I remember a segment from the pregame where Dan Potash mentioned how the top story on the Wall Street Journal today (or maybe yesterday) was all about the Russian elections and Putin and Magnitogorsk, and how everyone "got to see a little of Geno's hometown."

Geno is the best thing ever and I think we all know it.

Nightmare is not really the word that I would use to describe the perfection that is Geno

I hope Mom isn't too busted up about what's going on right now. I'm sorry, Mom, I know someone has to win and it's not always your team. I promise I will not call you and taunt you (like my dad did to me the last time the Pens and Avs faced off).

SHREWDEST MOVE OUT OF THE PENALTY BOX

Richard Park gets sprung and picks up the puck on a clear breakaway. Erik Johnson fails to catch Park as he makes Giguere look RIDICULOUS and scores to make it 4-0 Pens.

You can replay that a million times, and I will always be happy to see it.

MOST PATRICK ROY MOMENT

Matt Cooke drives hard to the net and clips Giguere a little bit as he goes. Cooke goes down and yells something to Giguere as he gets up. Apparently it was something mean about Giguere's ancestry, or family, or something, because Giguere just LOSES HIS SHIT and starts shoving Matt Cooke around.

Matt Cooke for Lady Byng

MOMENT WHEN ALL GOOD THINGS COME TO AN END

Steve Downie proves that it doesn't matter what uniform he wears, he is a Penguin killer. Although the goal really went to Hunwick.

4-1 Pens

Is it just me or is this the most lackluster goal celebration of all time?

NAIL IN THE COFFIN

Book 'em, Danno

ALT THREE STARS

1. My mom, for going to all the games she can and never, ever leaving early, no matter how out of hand the score might get for her chosen team
2. Steve Sullivan, for he is tiny and awesome
3. Vinho verde, for being delicious

Up next: BizNasty2.0 and the Coyotes.

Go Pens.

which is apparently located in Texas.
Look it up in your Rand-McNally atlas if you have any goddamn questions.

MOMENT ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING FELL APART


Nystrom at the very least with an unfortunate and careless play on Kris Letang. Letang didn't come back. This seems to cloud the rest of the evening, to be perfectly honest, but at the very least we got to hear Mike Milbury arguing against head shot culture in which no one is responsible and Roenick crying that it's Letang's fault. Victim-blaming isn't helping anyone's rights in this world, you know, Jeremy Roenick. Just get over it.
What's worst about this hit is Nystrom complaining about getting called for a rough when it's evident to anyone paying attention that he may have injured Kris Letang's brain. Regardless of ~intent~, you kind of just have to feel bad about hurting a guy and hope your team kills the penalty, right? From that moment on, the wheels were off and this felt like, if not a Game 7, at least a Game 5.


The Stars really give you an "oh fuck" feeling when they are on top of their game. Seriously nasty hockey club. It was 1-0 late in the first, your belief in life hinged on the taste of blood in your mouth every time you bit your tongue.
MOST FALLEN SOLDIERS

Sullivan makes one hell of a move and beats Lehtonen before the period is up. But then he'll go to the locker room, too. IT'S EVERYBODY TO THE LOCKER ROOM. WE HEAR THEY HAVE CAKE.

AMERICA CAKE. THIS IS TEXAS AFTER ALL.
I really don't know why I started inserting so much Americana into the blog as if the Penguins do anything "for America" but this cake is still hilarious, right?

PERSON WE KNOW THE ABSOLUTE LEAST ABOUT OF ALL TIME (AND WE'VE NOW CHANGED THAT, SOMEWHAT)

Glen Gulutzan. There is a signed picture of this guy behind the bench? Really?
We have now researched him and have determined that his most memorable life moment is playing for the Brandon Wheat Kings, which just sounds more like some kind of digestive medication every time we hear it.
He's from The Pas, Manitoba.

no idea.
According to Wikipedia, they even have a town motto: "Adventure Territory" Who the hell is this guy. Is he an impostor? What have you done with the real coach of the Dallas Stars? How long have you even been here?

MOST ADVENTUROUS TERRITORY
Where the puck was, every time it knew it was going to be near the sweet caress of Marc-André.

Like Vern was going to do anything in this game anyway.

Also, Nystrom's continued existence. An adventure in and of itself.


MOST HEARTILY FELT DOOMSDAY SCENARIO
We begged this whole game. Dallas came to play. It was tied. Then we were winning. Then they tied it. Then we were on a 4-on-3 kill in OT. Every minute seemed fate-deciding. I wish I had more to say, but I really don't. This game definitely made me feel like I was in some kind of crazy bizarro universe. Malkin attacked Nystrom, for god's sake:


End of the day, it's just really hard to celebrate even a solid team win when you know that your team lost one of your best players, again, and that they were outplayed for long stretches. We want to make it easier on you, but we can't.
It determines your togetherness as a team if you can continue to play at an extremely high level despite all of these issues. The Penguins have done that. There haven't been quite as many injuries this year as last, so the scenario isn't as bad as eking out a win against the Islanders in SO to get just those two points you need to, say, land Tampa Bay in the first round and get nutsack in your eyes.

I'm not making any sense.
You know what else doesn't make any sense?
That Dallas can afford to dress three guys per night who only play like 5 minutes.
Tomas Vincour, Ryan Garbutt (amazing name btw), and Tom Wandell, who are you?

is this post just explaining our ignorance or are they actually not a full team?
soconfused

Kris Letang gets all the alternate stars. Geno can bathe in their stardust or whatever.

GO PENS