Yesterday was another extremely difficult day in Boston. Not trying to get super personal, but I think it's important to put this game in context. I'm a pretty rural girl, having grown up in the kind of place where people don't lock their doors. So waking up to 10+ text alerts from your place of employment and missed calls from close friends at 5:45AM telling me not to leave my house and that the MBTA was completely closed was pretty surreal. I spent over twelve hours glued to my computer listening to a police scanner, in lockdown most of that time, under instructions from law enforcement along with most of the rest of the Greater Boston community to not leave my home or even open my shades. This was because of the manhunt, which has been covered to hell and back in the US media, so I don't feel the need to bring you more deets--other than to say that it was bizarre, listening to the scanner all day, having no idea where this kid was and whether he was going to blow up someone's house within, idk, a mile of my own. Then they said we were allowed to leave our homes again. And then some poor dude in Watertown found a bleeding man in his boat. And then, after some more police scanner craziness, they finally got the guy. Needless to say, the Pens game was cancelled.
Last night was a beautiful night in eastern Massachusetts--warm, breezy, and misty, and once we were all allowed out of our houses, and we knew there were no more bombs in the city, I think we felt a whole hell of a lot better. And we'd be up in the morning for hockey.
Needless to say, despite the army dudes with assault rifles and the fact that there were no fewer than eight large vehicles emblazoned with Homeland Security in front of TD Garden today, things are back to normal. I know so, because frat boys were yelling over the Garden ice from the nosebleed seats to put Matt Cooke in a body bag and the boos rained down for everything from Jarome Iginla drawing breath to a hairline offside call. Looks like we had a game on our hands
The Bruins and their fans were like a band of drunken pirates out of the gate. B's were getting all the shots, and like the villain in some kind of 90's buddy cop movie, Matt Cooke took a penalty. Of course they were gonna score on that one. About halfway through the period:
It made sense. The Bruins had some exorcisms to do. Even as a Pens fan I wasn't really gonna complain. When I'm in an arena for a Pens game on the road I just try to smile and nod. (Except when I'm in Nassau then I just shout.) Really I just love hockey. The Pens locking up the #1 seed flitted through my mind in this moment.
Before all that happened, Tanner Glass fought Adam McQuaid. Standard ballroom dancing. Yep this is the Boston game I'm used to.
MOST DANGEROUS GAME
Iginla got booed, by the way, every single time he touched the puck tonight. It was like the Bruins fans totally forgot that Matt Cooke was even playing. Iggy felt like he was getting shit so he eventually dropped the gloves with Horton for an unknown reason. Horton did not return. Everyone seems to think it was his hand and not his precious head.
Ridiculous fight. Not a clue why this happened. Or why Iggy was getting booed so much--really shouldn't everyone be mad at Jay Feaster for telling Chiarelli they had a deal before talking to his player or something? BUT I DIDN'T SEE A "BURY FEASTER" BANNER NOW DID I BOSTON
the story of the game was blah blah blah penalties. There weren't too many of them, but they seemed to fall at pivotal moments. In both the second and the third period, penalties carried over from the previous frame.
THE BEST BASTARD LINE EVER GOD DAMN IT
Glass, Jokinen, and Adams are the forwards on the ice in the second period about five minutes in. No idea why. But it worked. Craigsy and Tanner worked the Bruins defense over a bit and no one picked up Jussi, who was able to swoop in and make a diving play for the puck past Rask's hand.
Rask is trying really hard you guys. But Juice and Craigsy and Glass are trying harder. Tanner Glass assist alert, bringing his season point total to two~~~.
There was a sequence mid second period here it was all fucking Bruins all the time and the puck eventually was poked in, but the whistle had blown and also someone had tackled Vokoun. So that was legal.
Equally legal was Chara remembering Matt Cooke and getting all up in his business and taking a penalty:
For this moment everything is amazing. Jagr took a penalty at the end of the period because he's busy Jaromir-ing it up and didn't realize it was the end of the god damn period.
the vast majority of us do not miss you in your current form
unlike the Pens taking eight thousand penalties in the first period, the Bruins took eight thousand in the second period instead. IN OUR DIFFERENCES WE ARE MUCH ALIKE
The third period really could have gone either way.
But it went a different way. The Bruins looked a little unfocused and were not the shot-creating machine that they were in the first. The Pens had found their legs.
And also their power play which is for some reason still amazing without Crosby, Malkin, and Martin. Jesus. Marchand tried to fight Jokinen for some reason but ended up just being a dick.
Bruins fans are busy booing Iggy, so he put a slapper in from the center point. Eesh, Tuukka. Yeeeeesh.
boooooooo Feaster boooooooooooo on you
A few minutes later the Pens get another PP. This time Letang, who has been having one of those quiet, gentle, perfect, we-all-want-him-to-get-the-Norris-nomination games, puts one in from way up top. Can't really boo anyone on that. It's the unicorn blood within.
COME TO ME MY BRETHREN
MOMENT THAT EVERYONE IS ALLOWED TO SAVOR
The Bruins realized that time was running out on them eventually but they still played hard and tried to get just one more. Tyler Seguin did get one with like 2 seconds left and my dear friend Paula, next to me in her Seguin jersey, was like, "Just one more! We'll take it."
and so they did.
Pens win, 3-2.
TENDER MOMENTS WITH TANNER GLASS
WHY AND HOW WAS THIS PHOTO ALLOWED TO BE TAKEN BY SOMEONE
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Beau Bennett: should never not be in the lineup seriously
2. Iggy because iggy
3. Boston--thanks for getting back to normal, and for all your stupid townies on my post-game train who didn't know how many stops it was until Kenmore. I love you.
I know that feeling safe outside of our own locked front doors meant a lot to everyone in the Garden this afternoon, win or lose. It's all for the love of hockey. See you in the playoffs dicks.
Dan Bylsma wore this shirt in his pregame interviews. These are being sold by the Bruins. There is a Red Sox version as well. The proceeds from these shirts go in full to benefit the victims of the marathon bombings. They can't make them fast enough because everyone is buying them, but they appear to be getting more hot off the presses all the time (like I think I bought mine right after it was pulled off a truck this afternoon). If you're in Boston, you can pick one up, or buy directly from the Bruins pro shop here: http://www.bostonproshop.com/bosttee1.html
Please buy from the Bruins and not from some dude on the street or a third party website because hospitals are expensive as fuck and a lot of the people injured probably don't have health insurance at all. It's a cool shirt and you are actually helping. (I haven't taken mine off since I got home and it is already covered in cat hair--a symbol of love.) You can also donate directly to One Fund Boston.
We'll be over here waiting to see whether we play Ottawa, Winnipeg, the Rangers, or maybe even the Caps. Battles for the bottom seeds are absolutely wild right now. Caps are 3rd seed but could fall totally out of the playoffs with one bad move. Read: their division is butts.
Happy playoffs also to the Islanders and the Leafs. We shall waltz at dawn.
The Habs are like this terrible thorn in your side that never ever goes away. And then, of course, the thorned area gets infected. And then gangrenous. And they bring Carey Price with them, too.
He's so SAD. Not starting is a serious burn. He's gonna have to talk to mad jagerbombs to sort out this emotional tiff, you guys.
Also, lols to Root for having the balls to go with "The Price is Wrong." You know at least one guy was saying "Should we? Nahhhh. Too overdone. Too Corny. Right? Should we?" Showing restraint is a sign of weakness, Root. Haters to the left.
Whatever, Carey. We're sure we'll see you real soon, you son of a bitch.
Okay, awards time, let's go.
CLOSEST TO THE SUN
The first opens up with some good up and down hockey. Really smooth - we look remarkable, considering. Actually, strike that. We don't look good in spite of anything, we just look good.
Mattie, who is hilarious when presented with the Habs, is already being a riot. He takes exception to something, of course. What the thing was isn't so important, he was just kind of waiting for a reason, much like how most bar fights are started. Mattie's out there ranting and raving, burning the candle at both ends. The man is not afraid of anyone. He, of course, ends up in the penalty box.
You'd think this was heading Mattie's way, but nope. Just before the 4-4 winds down and our PP comes up, Suttsy lands one in the net like like it's nbd.
Laughing in the face of enemies is the #1 way Brandon Sutters take their victory, what about you?
MOST EXCELLENT DIVERSION
Dupes on the ice looks to the Habs like what an inflatable clown must look like to chainsaw-wielding maniacs.
Am I too old to be alive?
Dupes, being a Man in Charge knows this, of course. So he waits until he's covered, drops the puck back for Morrow, who picks it up in the slot and puts it in the net.
It's sort of gorgeous.
FEWEST SHITS GIVEN
We look like this amazing machine. We're like a car that woke up one morning without tires and was like FUCK IT LET'S GO.
It's sort of terrifying that if you squint and don't think about it too much, this could be our healthy team.
We're just going with it.
Nisky draws a penalty towards the end of the second and Iggy capitalizes.
1 out over every 1 Jarome Iginlas agree that a smug smirk adds the greatest amount of insult to injury.
We go into the second gloating.
LEAST AVOIDABLE BAD KARMA
Okay, come on, when you found out that Carey P is here like some backup prom date, you start to laugh.
Because it's impossible not to.
We know it's terrible luck to do this, but really, that's like saying it's terrible luck to breathe. As the ocean crashes to shore, so do we mercilessly mock Carey Price.
WHIFF MOST LIKELY TO SUCCEED
BoBo - son, friend, lover, prodigy - sets up a good play for Morrow to get in on. They take it to the net and it gets a little dicey there for a second, but Morrow sort-of fans on the puck, which proceeds to just sneak in under CareCare's stick.
GOLD METAL OF PERSEVERANCE
Brian Gionta tries to make us care about him by scoring, but fails.
We're way too haughty for that at this point.
More importantly, soon after Morrow works so hard that it makes us weep, and Suttsy just gets into position and waits and waits and keeps that stick on the ice and makes space for himself and is just so wonderful we want to scream. It all pays off, of course, and Suttsy gets it in when it looks like there's no real chance, netting his second of the game.
And in order to lump two Habs goals into one award for the Penguins, I'll mention now that for some reason the Habs scored again before the end of the period. But whatever, we get a major penalty out of the second when Gallagher tries to force feed Mattie his stick. We head into the third with most of it left (and Mattie's face only a tiny bit bashed up.)
MOST INFURIATING SQUANDERING
Habs kill it, and then score.
Media pretends it doesn't happen.
So do we.
Somewhere, a Has fan whispers "third period team?" and a tiny part of each and every one of us dies. Never give them hope.
MOST IMPRESSIVE THEFT OF HOPE
If you really want to stomp someone's feelings, you can give them a heads up that you haven't scored since December 9th, 2010, and then skate on by to do this:
You go, Douggy.
LEAST CORDIAL CHITCHAT
Morrow - who by the way also wins "blogger's pet" because players like him are basically the bread and butter of hockey bloggers - beats the shit out of Subban to the point that Steiggy gets concerned for his well being. That's a Gordie Howe hat trick for him tonight, by the by. The two of them head off to the box and proceed to shout at one another.
Best part? Morrow points to the clock and tells Subban that when they get out, he wants to go again. Subban tries to act cool and fails.
We'd be shitting our pants right about now, too.
Honest to his word, he keeps trying after the get out. Never gets his chance to show Subban what's what.
A few crazy post shots and an unfortunate late Habs goal later, stick a fork in it.
ALT THREE STARS
Dupes - For being the perfect man/player/person.
Kunitz - Basically for the same.
Iggy - As good for us as we'd hoped.
Maybe not the greatest finish with the late goal. but overall, we looked pretty good. Some patchwork to be done here and there, but the fact that we can ever have those weirdly smooth, impressively sharp periods of hockey without our "top players"?
We'll take it.
On a more serious note:
We here at PH would like to share our support for Boston and the running community. Along with Zoe being a current Bostonian, we understand fiercely loving a place (and a niche sporting group, for that matter) and our hearts break for those who faced an attack so senseless.
Keep strong and only let yourselves become more fiercely loyal.
Team Lemieux runners, we're looking forward to watching you kick ass real soon.
And, of course,
Hello from Seattle. I've missed a lot of hockey to be in the Pacific Northwest, drinkin' drinks and eating hot dogs with cream cheese on them. Is this a Seattle thing? Someone can clarify, perhaps.
Anyway, the Panthers. Apparently Malkin was a late scratch--hopefully just one of those "let's rest him for the playoffs" things because, let's be honest, the Pens can't afford to take risks right now. The win streak put us sitting pretty--perhaps dangerously--but at least we're not in the dogfight.
Seems like the Pens didn't really get going until late in the first period when Kris Letang bared his unicorn horn and put one in from the center point through a Big Deal screen. Then, a few minutes later, Morrow, Bennett, and Vitale get nasty around Markstrom (who we really like btw, sorry folks).
this photo is ominous. is that nisky looking like a mob boss?
the depth sure is showing with Sid and Malkin out of the lineup, eh, folks?
Upshall got some garbage early in the second. Accurate representation of your emotion at an Upshall goal:
ain't even no thang (we hope you are laughing at this crying fish because it is HILARIOUS).
But since then? Just a lot of playin' it simple and strong. Now is not the time to get fancy, after all. Morrow empty netter at the end.
Solid road game idk.
cream cheese hawdogs 4ever
Stormed last night in Pittsburgh and today we play the Bolts.
Root is just spazzing over the pun possibilities.
We're going to try to avoid it, but if they total 2 goals in the game...
There's going to have to be a striking twice joke.
So sorry in advance.
Let's get to the awards.
MOST POWERFUL OVERLORD
Sid shows up in a suit.
BEST RESULTS WITH LEAST EFFORT
I mean, we're not doing terribly. Just...you know. Sluggish. But then, amidst the slumbering men on skates, Dupes chips it to Morrow, who gets it towards the net. It goes through the paint and Jussi gets a foot on it, sending it into the net. Refs rule no distinct kicking motion.
Look at the happy fans behind Jussi...we were LOUD in Tampa tonight.
Then, Kennedy creates a nasty rebound for Dupes to scoop up and get into the back of the net. Suddenly it's 2-0. We don't look too good, but man do the Bolts look bad.
If the game ended now we could headline this PENS STRIKE LIGHTNING TWICE or LIGHTNING GETS STRUCK TWICE. Or something else less horrible.
Let's Go Pens! is drifting around the arena. It's a beautiful America for Pens fans.
Purcell thinks he's a real boy.
Before the end of the first moseys around, Tanger lands the kushiest pass ever on Iginla's stick. No one likes a soff attitude, but soff hands? They're a beautiful thing.Gloves stuffed with down? #conspiracy
Iginla doesn't disappoint and totally snipes it into the net.
You know that's right.
GREATEST OPPORTUNITY FOR PUNS YET
Connolly makes it easy:
LIGHTNING STRIKES TWICE, NOT ENOUGH
When horrible puns weren't happening, other less horrible people told the real story:
MOST HULKED OUT
Malkin is kind of back, which is awesome. We've missed him. We almost forget what insane animalistic shit he can get up to.
Malkin undresses everyone (and their mothers, but that's later) and sends it home.
Shortly after Kunitz gets into some faces while battling on the boards. Malkin gets into a shovey shovey match. Engo and Cooke step in to defend their leader. It's so bromancey up in here that it's insane.
WAY MORE THAN THE TIP
Jussi moved to get to shot that Murray took. At first the word "tip" was used, but Murray had just been getting it past some Bolts - he got it close enough to Jussi, who sent it the rest of the 10-or-so feet it needed to go.
(Oh, hai black mouth guard, how are you today? What's that? In my nightmares, you say?)
BEST CHERRY POPPING
Murray goes into a fight with Crombeem helmetless. His first fight for us! He gets a good number of fists in, totally ignoring Crombeen's helmet. Then he started getting in body shots and goes after Crombeen's hand - treats in a hockey fight. Wonderful, wonderful treats. And yes, I did just use Crombeen as many times as I could. That name.
We'll always remember your first <3
Letang spends some time ruining lives, Gudus gets kicked out because [footage missing.] It's a little on edge out there, and it gets scrappy. We're up on the power play when something really special happens.
Tanner gets his first special teams goal. Bobby actually says "good for Tanner Glass!" like he is a proud father. We all feel proud. It's just...
Brings a tear to your eye, ya know?
EASIEST TO IGNORE
The Bolts get one in in the dying stretch. Whatevs. Fuck 'em. They just wanted to ruin the puns.
MOST PRESENT MEDIA
Overhead cam was on point tonight.
Alt three stars:
1. Tanner. Gawww.
2. Tanger. Obvs.
3. Tyler. Because this game is brought to you by the letter T.
Maybe if the Pens keep winning the cicadas won't come back.
That's the only way it could get better, I think.
We know it's Staals tonight but we won't be drinking. We have more than enough to deal with. Look at this sad sadness:
We could drown our sorrows in vodka but we also might die. Homemade french dip will probably alleviate the sorrow.
Everyone hates the Canes and think they are awful, apparently. Canes got an early PP after Engo fought some asshole. Eric Staal (drink if you're paying attention) goes to the box 30 seconds after Craigsy obviously slashed someone, probably because he forgot he was human.
Then Chris Kunitz gently touched Jeff Skinner and Skinner was felled like the tiniest flower. Errey with the diver accusations but in the most loving way possible.
But that doesn't stop the Canes 4 on 3 goal:
LEAST LIKELY TO
If you told us like five minutes ago that Bortuzzo was gonna go to the net for a tap-in, we would have gently chuckled at you the way we gently chuckle and are past the point of caring about the assholes who comment on the Pens Instagram. But he went to the net on Peters and Dupuis fed him a pass. Bye.
further inspection indicates that Bort may also be a velociraptor.
MOST PROBLEMS SOLVED
We were ready to start modifying our picnic guest list (Jeff Skinner no longer invited ever) and chalk the rest of the first up to ancient curses and a few too many Moon Pies, but Jokinen got a puck up to Brenden Morrow after a Canes turnover at the blueline. Morrow was basically one-on-one in the slot with some dickbag. Backhand-forehand and an absolutely nasty shot. He fell while he was scoring. Brooks got him the puck. His first as a Pen--it's moments like these we kind of live for.
2-1 feels pretty good right about now.
This guy's name is Bob Sanguinetti which sounds like a name from Harry Potter or True Blood.
Canes faceoff win. Just got it to the net. Uhhhhh.
Canes celebrate. We just feel icky.
next shift Douglas Murray almost scored and we had already named the triplets.
EACH STAAL BROTHER HAS AN ASSIST, Steiggy says. That's worth at least a shot or two. Rest of the period, there are flashes of something--like catching your heart in your throat when Malkin and Iginla are passing to each other--but nothing much. Feels like we've already been here for 8 years.
MOMENT EVERYTHING WAS BEDTIME STORIES
steiggy and errey started telling stories about Finnish people to deal with the uneventful moments that were the first 10 minutes of the second period. Two teams just trying to score but not super jammed up about it yet. Peters and Fleury both holding the fort. Pens get a PP but not much is going on. Jeff Skinner thinks his mother is a bit late bringing him his warm milk, throws a tantrum. . .or slashes someone. Would be interesting to see. . .something. Anything.
Morrow got us excited right before the penalty call by driving to the net like his life depended on it.
Jokinen and Malkin almost made Serious Magic at the tail end of the PP but nothing was going on. Skinner out of the box almost gets a break. Errey says the Canes fans have awakened from their naps and realized that Brooks Orpik exists still. Cue Erik Cole reference.
Jordan has played more minutes in this game than his brother Eric to start the third. Imagine that.
Pens got into some trouble behind their own net. Who the hell is Riley Nash? all alone in front.
MOMENT YOU WOKE UP
Pens grinders have something going. Beau Bennett is out there making magic with Craigsy and Tanner. Beau went to the net. Nifty backhander. Rebound goes off of some Cane though we had some fleeting hope that Tanner Glass got his butt on it. Nothing doing with that dream. But BeauBeau hasn't lost a step.
Next shift Malkin and Iginla come out. They went to the net. Malkin would have done anything to get to that puck. Pretty much anything. He ended up wildly poking it in while one-handing his stick.
All of a sudden it is 4-3. Gene has completed his spirit quest.
bitches we still here.
blah blah Canes pull Peters and the Pens defend the net like champs.
Dupes gets the empty net.
We don't understand this game but we'll damn well try. We think we just had to find the monster within. Eric Staal remembers. It's a young monster now. But we'll watch it grow.
PENS WIN 5-3 BYE
YOU KNOW WHO WE ALWAYS FORGET ABOUT
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Mark Eaton. Our favorite American soldier. +3
2. Brooksie. Seems to be back to his old self a little tiny bit and was a +4 this evening.
4. Admiral Adams, because when Admiral Adams has had a multi-point game, it is a very special and hallowed night indeed.
Go make your babies.
So we've been doing this tumblr thing for a couple games now. WAIT NO, SERIOUSLY, TWO GAMES. It has been rightly mentioned that there may be a curse. This is number three. Should we lose this game, I promise we'll burn it all down. (Hints and tricks - if you are reading this intro, we probably won.)
Let's hope it doesn't come to that.
MOST FURIOUS FISTS
Halfway though the first, Engo is as bored as we are.
Sure the game is looking good, sans the moments when we for some reason cram all three forwards into a corner (not acceptable, jags) but it's certainly not everything we dreamed it would be and more.
So Engo fixes it by putting his fists onto the face of Ryane Clowe. It's pretty great to see, especially when we get to watch it again in slow motion. Hell yeah.
Later, for your pleasure, Clowe undresses in the penalty box. It's confusing and weird but sort of okay if you squint and pretend he's still a Shark.
Nothing else really happens.
Well, there's a penalty that we all think was called and get angry about, but it turns out it wasn't real.
And there are some okay scoring chances.
And the Rags are waiting for our turnovers on neutral ice like sharks swarming for chum, which is a little scary because we're like, really good at turnovers if you catch us on the wrong day.
Overall, actually, it's pretty excellent hockey to watch, but we won't be talking about it next week.
MOST DEAD FROM OXYGEN DEPRIVATION
The second period politely introduces itself to us by letting Sutter get his hand messed up on a faceoff. GTFO, second period. Suttsy goes off the ice in some obvious pain and eventually hits the runway. We all hold our breath.
He comes back pretty quickly, but you didn't survive that unless you are some trained deep-water diver or something.
Go home, creepy black mouth guard. You are not with the band.
MOST EXCELLENT FAILURES
Th play on the ice is fast and exciting and pretty wonderful. Some of our guys come up HUGE but don't come out of it with anything. Malkin and Iginla get absolutely wild in front of the net and it's some weird anti-miracle that it doesn't go in the net.
Later, Dupes, fanciest skater alive, makes some cool stuff happen. It all looks so GOOD but we just can't finish. PLEASE, GOD, LET US FINISH.
Well. Third period team?
MOST FORTUNATE APPEARANCE
OH HEY THERE BLACK MOUTHGUARD YOU BE LOOKIN' FLY TONIGHT HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU HOW GREAT YOU ARE?
Jussi does it. It's too pretty for us to admit. And too pretty for press to present to you in a timely way.
If there's any way to break down our icy exteriors, it's to get one on the board for the Pens.
MOMENT EVERYONE IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD LEARNED THAT MAF IS A MAGICAL CREATURE SENT FROM ABOVE
MAF is coming up all aces in general, so when a D tie-up results in a wide open MAF and Stepan right in front of him with the puck. Due to witchcraft and witchcraft alone, the flower pulls of some shit like bards used to talk about.
Whaaaaat?! Your screams alert everyone in the surrounding area that Greatness just went down.
MOST IN NEED OF A HUG
Neal gave us a brief scare early in the third when he took a hit to the midsection and had the wind knocked out of him. Halfway through the third, though, Del Zotto catches him on the chin and knocks the sense out of him. You can actually see Neal ask what happened, as he sits on the ice, looking confused. There's some blood in his mouth, and we're all really just hoping it looks worse than it is. He heads to the runway, looking dazed.
It all kinda starts to fall apart when Murray really just takes it to Boyle, cutting it close to being a late hit. And it's an EPIC hit. Then we get a PP that is of at least mildly questionable validity (although, fuck them, they slashed and hacked their way through the first few seconds.) MAF grabbed Clowe's stick after the shoved around, and it ends in MATT COOKE GOING INSANE TO THE ENTIRE RAGS BENCH. He just stands there and bitches out fattie for a whole minute.
It's weird. And awesome.
MOST CONFLICTING EMOTIONS
First, this happens.
And the call goes upstairs, and we all know it's no goal, and the call is amazing and all hail MAF.
While still hailing MAF, the Rags somehow get it behind him in the blink of an eye off of the faceoff. Obviously no one is blaming MAF too much for it, especially because the play should have been dead (have we mentioned that the refs are dogshit tonight?) thanks to Sutter playing it with his hand, but still, it's depressing.
But then! This:
What is a human with limited emotional range to do? THERE ARE TOO MANY FEELINGS.
The game heads into overtime, everyone reeling.
(Sorry for the horrible screencapping - MAF is too on fire tonight and the press is too spotty. Spending a game with your finger on "print screen" is a fun experience, btw. Try it some time.)
NEWEST SHIT LIST MEMBER
Del Zotto, you're going in the books.
First you clip Neal.
Then you act like a fool to Malkin in OT?
Welcome to a prestigious list of people we want dead.
So, MAF just barely covered a Rags win.
And then OT is over. You guys, I didn't even finish my OT drink and now I need to start a SO drink?
We have not done many SOs this season, and our lineup is BARE. Crosby? Nope. Tanger? Nope. Neal? Nope.
But, oh, dat Jussi.
THANK YOU BLACK MOUTH GUARD. Totes nails it on his signature move.
MAF shuts erryone else down (hah, fattie) and sends us home with the win, securing our fate on Tumblr.
Said we'd win. Why? Jussi. Guess who knows his shit?
ALT THREE STARS
James Neal - trooper
Dupes - dem legs
MAF - no subtext needed.
So hey! No curse!
Never losing again!
Get some sleep. Come playoff time you won't be able to.
We're starting a new month, bitches. Against the Sabres, of all people. Ew.
And the coaching staff has scratched Joe Vitale without our permission.
OTHER THINGS THAT ARE UNACCEPTABLE: Jaromir Jagr traded to the Bruins. Can't wait to be at that game and fuck some people up.
More acceptable things: Brooksie has played 622 games, the most of any Penguins defenseman of all time. Hot damn excuse us.
NEW FAVORITE SITCOM
It's called Gene and Jarome Take the Hill and it's Evgeni's first shift with Iginla this game which is basically flawless.
Unfortunately we also have to deal with Tyler's Ponies: Las Vegas in the next time slot. But Iginla wants Ryan Miller as a Very Special Guest Star on the serious episode where someone loses their virginity or runs away from boarding school to get married like Jo on The Facts of Life.
And Malkin almost fed Engelland on some kind of Jesus play. It's going to be a good night on television.
The Sabres take a penalty but it's only because they love us.
And another for good measure. Guess Morrow must have bled on the Weber bullshit because it's four minutes. LEAST LOVE
Jarome Iginla's stick breaks on the point on the extended PP. Someone whose name we don't know breaks Koun's shutout streak immediately afterwards, Niskanen obtains possession and just gives a blind drop pass right to the Sabre stranger bitch. His name might be Porter. We know for sure he has never before scored in the NHL. SHIT.
Shorthanded stranger bitch goal no less.
But we'll get love back. we hope.
Ryan Miller looks catlike in his concentration. This could be the longest night. TK is our first line center, guys.
MOMENT YOU WERE DELIVERED FROM EVIL BY THE GODS OF CANADA
Power play time is winding down. Penguins playing catch and battling hard behind the net. Malkin to Kunitz to a nice little fake to. . .cross crease to Jarome. Miller isn't looking so hot anymore, because he just got schooled by Chris Kunitz (of all people IKR) and Iggy has a wide open net. hahahahah oh man we are so cocky everyone hates us can you feel the hate
MOMENT THE GODS OF CANADA SENT YOU A FLAMING BAG OF SHIT
steve ott scored
No further comment.
In the words of Kim: "we can always kill ourselves."
Accurate. Period ends, 2-1.
BEST MOMENT FOR CRACKING AN EXTRA BEER
Early second period Cody Hodgson schools Vokoun on a wraparound. oh okay sure thing cody you do that. Then Porter forces us to know his name, Voldemort style.
It's 4-1, and an injured warrior saddles up.
MAF's first action since getting messed up by TK/Gionta. Comes out early to challenge a shot.
Engo took a penalty. Killed-ish. Except then we just took another penalty (imagine that). But MAF is all over everyone's balls.
Just when you thought you were out of the woods, the Pens took another penalty. So we're fucked is what we're saying.
It would be nice to get a goal before the horn but Douglas Murray is leading a rush with like 30 seconds left, so. Yeah no.
Speaking of Murry the Pens apparently have 3 shots in the second period. Um.
SHORTEST STAY IN PURGATORY
James takes a retaliatory interference penalty to start the third. Killed by the grace of MAF. But. . .what's this after the TV timeout? Another penalty?
Really not sure what we're supposed to think at this point except fall on the ground and prostrate ourselves towards the Sun in thanks that MAF is well enough to do this right now.
Pens did get a PP but it's a mess.
Story of the game is Porter almost getting a hattie. Trying not to curse himself.
Nothing else to say. We were never gonna have that one back. Fifteen, ladies and gents. Adieu.
Pens lose 4-1
INDIVIDUAL AWARDS NEVER SAW IT COMING
Bobby and Steiggy. Thought they were going to see a much different moment tonight, you can tell. They're homers but they can be beautiful homers (mostly referring to Bobby here). They unfortunately had to witness the moment that the glass slipper shattered.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Iggy because duh. This is a Penguins blog. We were so happy to see him score.
2. The inevitable shitstorm that is going to happen when I start tagging these posts. PLEASE BE KIND, PSEUDO-REDDIT AKA TUMBLR BITCHES WE'RE ANCIENT AND DON'T UNDERSTAND THE INTERNET. think of us like your grandma
3. nathan gerbe
Cooke let him live.
does our inaugural tumblr post please you
well, kind of our inagural Tumblr post. We're sorry we don't know what has just happened.
Welcome to the Recap Lite (tm).
As said earlier, we're kinda busy today. But of course, we're both tuned in. Who misses hockey?
Probably only terrorists.
From lounging poolside sipping margaritas to preparing for the Seder like a boss, priority #1 never changes.
So, just in case life got in the way and you missed a few moments, here are the big deets:
Brooks and Sid had a friendly fire incident.
A mean slapper ended up landing the puck in Sid's magnificent face.
We hear that the universal gasp that resulted actually had some strange impact on global warming. Depending on what scientists you talk to, we either saved or killed a whole lotta polar bears.
The first period was pretty good, otherwise, in a rough and tumble kinda way.
Isles outshot us, which is a bummer, but doesn't matter if no one got it in the net.
Which, by they way, no one did
Zoe, that bitch, took the intermission as a chance to jump in the lazy river.
Do you see me hatin'? Because I am.
The second period was all about back and forth penalties. It got a little rough in the last few minutes when Kunitz landed a good check on Bailey, who careened into the boards. Kunit got slapped with a major and a misconduct, which is insane. But mostly we're happy that Bailey got up and skated off, looking like he wouldn't die (potential neck injuries TERRIFY US.)
Matt Cooke is INSANE on the PK. Like, truly insane.
Like, tying up the puck behind the Isles net insane.
Orpik tripped Okposo with 1:55 left on the 5 from Kunitz.
Vokoun is just fucking unreal.
Luckily the 5 on 3 is snakebit by the intermission.
The third period was grueling.
So much action. So many feelings.
SO MANY FEELINGS.
Cooke gets it in the back of the net at long last, and it is excellent.
P.S. Vokoun is a MONSTER.
An absolute MONSTER.
Iggy looks great, if you wondered.
Malkin at one point hit Moulson so hard that he broke his stick.
THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR LOOKING AT YOUR SHOES LIKE SOME KINDA HIGH SCHOOL FRESHMAN.
Seriously, what are these guys, hourly?
And then, this happens, and it is the most wonderful thing on earth:
Neal goes to the bench, thanks Geno, and says "I love this."
It's really, really epic.
The clock runs up, and suddenly we're at 15.
The teams between us and the record are garbage, but let's not count our eggs just yet.
Sit back, relax, and enjoy.
Happy Easter, Passover, and Weekend
So PH staff is out in the world. Kim is at Passover or some shit and Zoë is at an indoor water park. We didn't expect to have to give a shit about a midday Islanders game but it looks like the Pens are playing Iginla soooooo. Will you bear with us while we try to pull our lives together? We'll talk to you more about this later. uhhhhhhh
So yeah, the Pens went all in, while you slept, in the wee hours of the morning. Iginla's goal totals are enough to get you wet while looking at Wikipedia.
Quick notes: Malkin's back tonight with Atlantapeg in Pittsburgh, Fleury is injured still (sources seemed to hint "neck strain"--he was well enough to be at morning skate) so we called up Jeff Zatkoff aka the dude who is carrying the load in WBS aka demi-Curry, Tang is out with a broken toe idk.
No need to rush Fleury back at this point--if Vokoun holds steady and Zatkoff is ready for the show we'll be fine for a few games if need be.
Iginla is Canadian and from personal experience we know that Americans don't want Canadians coming in and doing their subtle Canadian shit in God's Country (hahagsdjt0wehyjglmvlsd) so apparently he is going to have a prob getting to Pittsburgh. Can't wait.
Douglas Murray and Brenden Morrow are in the mix, though.
We do have our skepticism. We hate when people act like the Pens are going to win the Cup automatically. People who say this about any hockey team should probably have to go to some kind of special boot camp.
Also, shaking lineups up on a win streak is a bizarre risky move. But it's a huge statement. Bylsma and Shero proved beyond a reasonable doubt in 2011 that they can coach and GM a skeleton crew of AHLers and goons into the playoffs, but the playoffs are a different dance. The Pens are going hard to prove that first round exits are unacceptable--they're going hard to prove, basically, that they will not be the shell of a thing that the Washington Capitals have become. Regular season success is meaningless.
Anyway, Winnipeg is leading their division. How, what, excuse us? Time to light the lanterns along the darkened path to heaven.
WORST EX-BOYFRIENDS FIGHTING YOUR NEW BOYFRIENDS AT THE ROADHOUSE
Eric Tangradi takes a shift and is a stain.
Al Montoya. We remember when you were a Coyote. Why aren't you still again?
Douglas Murray gets his first shot on net as a Penguin.
Pens with giveaways for days to start the game. Jets everywhere. We get the first "stick of Toby Enstrom" of the night but unfortunately it is not described as long.
Murray is getting shots towards the net like a regular fuckin Matt Niskanen. Ummmm yeahhh. Big and slow and slapshot and bye. We'll take a cup of that.
THINGS WE ONLY LEARNED BECAUSE OF REPETITION (NOT)
Steiggy seemingly obsessed with reminding everyone of how fat Byfuglien is.
Maybe the length of Enstrom's stick has lost its lustre.
This game is full of things to say and stories but not a lot of game-changers. Except Vokoun and Montoya, of course.
Other things that are self-evident:
Sid, Malkin, and Kunitz is a nasty forward combination.
Sid and Geno bedazzle the ice with their presence. Jets forwards looking at them down low. Kunitz is on the wall though and comes a bit closer. Sid gives him a completely blind pass behind his back. Kunitz's release is the exact opposite of Murray's skating. Swift. Sleek. Blink-and-you-missed-it. off the pipe and in.
Kunitz has 20 goals. how is this even
Jokinen can already tell it's going to be a long night.
TERROR 2013: THE MOVIE
Dupuis rings one off the pipe and everyone freaks out.
Next shift Malkin's line is swarming.
Goes in off of Gene's skate. A little bit of a combination of garbage and redirect. Malkin just drove the net. Not a kicking motion. Gene looks worried though.
but it's good:
he pointedly slow dances with Niskanen before the goal is made official.
Neal made the pass. They're slowly waking up like the monsters of yesteryear. Eric Staal, on the bench in Carolina, loses the wind out of his lungs. He's seen this before.
Period ends quite suddenly. Kunitz uses the phrase "little holler" in his intermission interview. This is why we love him. One of the reasons.
BIGGEST CIRCUS TENT
Errey has started referring to stick tape in the "candystripe configuration" which sounds way more technical than it actually is.
blah blah blah. Kunitz using the wall to get the puck out of the zone after the Jets flop around a bit. Sid down the wing. To Dupuis. Complete fucking aerial pass. Montoya totally destroyed on that play. Dupuis with the snipejob.
the high pitched wailing you did would wake the dead
Errey literally whips out the phrase "they're Montoying with them."
Lay off All Montoya. He's trying.
(We maintain a soft spot for all ex-Coyotes.)
Any second now elephants are going to walk onto the ice and someone will start eating knives.
Pens are just puck possession. Just completely surgical. Sid's line has a shift that could be prescribed to expectant mothers. Then Gene's line comes on. How. How.
We really don't know how this is our team but the history of the Pens over the last 25 years or so feels like some kind of bizarre fairy tale. Lemieux gets drafted and all of this comes from that moment. No I swear I'm not drunk.
As we're ruminating this Craigsy takes a tripping penalty because he skated through Burmistrov who was doing nothing. Fine. Killed. Brooks Orpik led a shorthanded rush. It's that kind of game.
Malkin has a shift like the one Sid's line had with Morrow and Neal. They're getting close. Morrow has opened a Shake Shack in Montoya's crease. Beautiful to watch.
MOMENT YOU ENTERED TRANSCENDENTAL SPACE
Slowly floating above the clouds.
Sid is there. We all are there. Pens ice the puck and use their timeout. The silence is golden.
Pens somehow take another penalty. Killing it like usual.
Then Dupuis catches up to a puck before a Jets defenseman. Fastest man in the world. Snipejob. Tanner Glass was wide open and Dupuis feels bad that he didn't pass.
But not that bad:
great look at the shortie:
PERIOD THAT MADE YOU CHECK YOUR VITAL SIGNS
Pens start the third by taking two penalties. Nisky and Orpik no less.
Unlimited 5 on 3. Blocked shots. Paul Martin and Matt Cooke in the trenches. No one can hit the net. Vokoun in everyone's mouth. Niskanen and Brooks can come back. And that's that. How exactly you do a kill like that is an unknown factor. So much of it is mental. Only so much you can do. Two shifts later and Dupuis making a serious bid for his third goal.
Doesn't happen. Chris Thorburn's name mentioned for the first time all night. Doesn't last long.
God we just feel like assholes talking about how amazing the Pens are and not even trying to drown you in metaphors. It's just too easy right now. The Jets are bad apparently.
Murray gets yet another shot on net?
Montoya isn't horrible. Sorry we have to do this to you bro.
A beautiful smear to the ice by Murray on Burmistrov.
Vokoun stones Kyle Wellwood on a breakaway.
Seven and a half minutes.
Morrow wants the puck so bad. So motivated. Six minutes.
MOMENT YOU LAUGHED COLDLY LIKE VOLDEMORT
Eric Tangradi somehow got behind Eaton and got a break. He fired it wide because he is terrible.
That is all.
Dupuis hit the post. Irrelevant now. Looks like we won or something. uhhhhh
14 straight (gsitgjsmdfgbw08stuifkdl)
Tomas Vokoun's 50th career shutout.
just really nothing to say. Whole game was domination.
HUGEST SWAGGER AND ALSO BALLS AND ALSO SOUL AND ALSO LOVE
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
I almost typed that in lowercase out of laziness before remembering that lowercasing is wrong.
1. Sid. 6 shots, 2 assists, running away with the Art Ross right now.
2. probably Douglas Murray's skull
3. Evander Kane, a -4 on the proceedings
don't want to get too high with this. The Jets didn't look committed. They put on some good defense but ultimately Montoya was their last line and he couldn't do it all. 20 shots to 43. jesus
next game is on Saturday versus the Isles. We will hopefully be joining you from inside a large margarita and/or Jewish seder wine.
go pens. fushdfsjaiogjdfoino comments