ONE
This goes without saying, but don't fucking attack pregnant women.

TWO
If you are in a drinking mood, and you don't have to be, feel free to buy yourself and all your friends shots and bask in the fact that you have a roof over your head and food to eat and you're doing comparatively well.

THREE
gear up for the next one like a trooper.

FOUR
If you have the pleasure of being from Pittsburgh, remember you are from the greatest city on Earth and that eventually it will become Good again.
If you're not from Pittsburgh, remember: we'll adopt you spiritually if you have love in your soul.


FIVE
Does anybody else want to mount a secret spy/warrior force to take over the NHL and hold everyone hostage until our demands are met?
Sounds like a good idea.

Heal everyone with magic.
Craig Adams left practice today with a knee injury.
Don't jump off the bridge, though.  You have so much left to live for.  We think.

GO PENS. 

Okay, I get the idea here.
We are a place that writes about hockey in clever ways. We are supposed to be able to endorse ourselves and our own ideas.
We are to drink whiskey and eat Tostitos Lime and never let our opponents or friends see us sweat it.
Well.
Can I just say that I can no longer in good faith support the Staal Brother's Drinking Game?
Remain innocent. Keep that childlike wonder.  Just say no.

However, here at PH, we can not turn down an offer. And when a person in a bar says "Hey, we could be playing the SBDG!" and you have to explain that you invented it, and that person then wants to buy you a drink and talk about it, you simply agree.


"We all went in with certain expectations. The evening took a nasty left turn. Now we must face certain facts in the cold light of day."

 
Do you see my dignity anywhere up there, Jordy?
Call it down for me real quick.

Oh dear god.
Losing my Fleury Flakes again brb.

Hopefully Mister Staal will be okay after Mike Rupp's little episode of forgetting his place in life. Or perhaps episode of remembering his place in life currently and becoming enraged. There were more weird photos of Jordy laying on the ice than of any of the goals that happened in the game.

Thanks, media.

Speaking of goals, however, this happened:

Which was pretty awesome.
I also find it absolutely shameful that while in a bar in Pittsburgh I got weird looks for screaming when this goal happened.
I need to start going to a different bar.
Scratch that.
I am officially renouncing alcohol. For a while.

Ugh.
Well, we're never losing again at least.
I am going to go somewhere with less light now.
Go Pens. 

Pens can't play with any team in the East.
NHLPA blocked the realignment. Thank the Baby Curry/Thiessen Jesus. Thank Gary, Thank Mario. fuck you.

no idea what's happening go pens

1. Philadelphia gets to have theirs in a ballpark which is unfair to those of us who had to suffer through Heinz Field in Pittsburgh instead of seeing one of the best views of the Pittsburgh skyline at PNC Park. But we had to maximize ticket sales for what turned out to be such a fucking riveting game.



2. Biron's mask is orange and that's fucking confusing.


3. Bryzgalov is not starting and he is experiencing all kinds of self-esteem issues and no one seems to be offering him tea and cookies.

3a. Bryzgalov is not starting, period.

4.

Jagr is probably going to give you rage fits.

5. Those Flyers jerseys look like some kind of vintage Dutch traffic sign.


6. There is nothing like an outdoor game in January and sure, it should be a way for the league and teams to make extra money on jerseys or whatever the hell else they sell. Oh and extremely inflated ticket prices.
But all of this is at the expense of a national broadcast acting like this is the NHL's "greatest stage" (we're looking at you, too, HBO) and that is inexcusable because 2 points in January doesn't get you shit in the playoffs. And we're going to be forced to watch abominable NBC playoff broadcasts for the rest of our lives on Earth. And there are going to be inappropriate camera angles. Particularly from the air. Booooooooooo.

POSSIBLE EXCEPTION TO THE BOYCOTT:

BRAYDON COBURN'S INFANT CHILD

sigh

go pens ~

And I had so much material written about the minutiae of this game!
Alas, I wasn't going to use it unless we had a chance. And as soon as we pulled Fleury it was pretty much decided that they were going to get the EN and not only kill god, but possibly disprove the existence of god.


Questionable penalty shot call early in the 1st, and Kovalchuk scores the penalty shot, which basically decided the whole game. Penguins lose two depth forwards to injury, forcing Malkin to barrel through unlimited minutes. Yep. Disheartening, plus it's the Devils, and it was at 3pm.

also can we just have Petr Sykora back or something.



We would also probably bomb Canada if a terrorist sect promised they would heal Crosby with magic at this point.
We have a lot of reasons to bomb Canada anyway.
fuck the po-lice.

We haven't seen a second of the WJC, it sounds depressing rite nao. fuck you

Go Pens in 2012.
2011 was a cursed and terrible year from the get-go. Let's get it over with.

We're pretty sure we made Max Talbot cry last night so that's the sum achievement of the Penguins against the Flyers this season, aside from a badass play by Malkin and Tyler Kennedy we guess.

We (PH Staff) were at the game last night and seeing that moment from Max and the Pittsburgh fans prompted many difficult emotions.
Ultimately, we feel okay for tugging heartstrings. We hope the Flyers blow it really hard and messy in the playoffs so that he can be full of regret and heartbreak. We hope that he continues to pad his stats with empty netters and the like and that he constantly wakes up panged by the memory of the best day of his life on June 12, 2009. And the subsequent seasons spent in Pittsburgh being mostly awful at everything. TEARS. We miss you, honey, but we don't miss the Bad Old Days.

It kind of feels like the hockey gods are taking a dump on our spirits and that's probably karmic because we've been so goddamned spoiled rotten.
The arena got LOUD after Tyler Kennedy's goal. And was loudest when the jumbotron wasn't goading people, so that's something special right there. Consol Energy Center was kind of a real hockey arena last night. Somewhere deep in the minds of the wolves, civilized fandom stirred. And they believed.

Not that they had any reason to. The game was full of mistakes and lazy play. . .Niskanen and Despres both looked a little brutal after being godsends in recent games. We're glad Deryk Engelland is coming back. We require his spirit in this difficult universe.

Not being able to score on the power play seemed to lose this game, though, for sure.

Also, Sergei Bobrovsky, WONDER CHILD who was just born yesterday and doesn't know how to button his shirts, is unbeaten in this building. We hate shit like that.

We did demote Jason Williams and Alexandre Picard. So this is all kinds of good news. . .people could be returning to us.

The lost and the weary.
That's us right now.

Jagr all over your ass.


GO PENS.

Hello, friends.

I hope you all had a lovely $WINTERHOLIDAY, whichever one you may happen to celebrate. I had a good Christmas, except for the part on Christmas Eve where my mother-in-law and I split a box of Franzia and I woke up to a very hungover Christmas morning.

However, I am much recovered. Just in time for the Staal Brothers Drinking Game!

PREGAME SHENANIGANS

Little Jeffy Skinner is out for this game. Instead, he will be appearing on the NHL Concussion All-Stars Team, along with Shea Weber, Sidney Crosby, Perfect Kris Letang, and EVERYONE ELSE EVER.

Pascal Dupuis will be mic'd up tonight. I look forward to hearing him taunt people about their less adorable children.

OMG COACH DISCO IS STILL WEARING THE BEST CHRISTMAS SWEATER OF ALL TIME

FIRST PERIOD

The game commences with the Pens pretty much running roughshod over the Canes, but failing to score.

Also, if you haven't gotten yourself a drink yet, you're going to need one of these.

The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems

Steiggy encourages us to text in questions for Coach Disco. I can think of a few that I'd like to ask.

Where do you get your hats?

How many burgers can TK fit into his mouth at once?

How do you get inside your opponents' heads?

My Disco-related hilarity is cut short as the Canes dump the puck in, force a bad turnover, and score first. Hurricanes lead 1-0

The Canes continue to play all spastic and we get some good chances, but nothing happens. The period ends with the Pens having 16 shots on goal and on a power play, but zero goals.

FIRST PERIOD AWARDS

Best F-Bomb goes to Coach Disco, since we all inadvertently heard it during the ROOT Sports broadcast.

SECOND PERIOD

The Carolina goalie is just playing completely lights-out. We get some good chances on the power play, but Peters is basically stopping everything.

"If you've never heard of the other goalie, safe bet he'll be awesome against the Pens" - @freejackjohnson

The Canes have no shots on goal in the first eight minutes of the period and the Pens are storming the net as much as they can.

Kunitz carries the puck in, Peters comes out of the net to make a save, then the puck drifts through the crease and bounces off James Neal to go in the back of the net. 1-1 tie

Steiggy, please stop trying to make "Duperstar" happen. No one likes it and you sound like an idiot.

Despres goes dashing after the puck and gets a stick in the face. Please please don't be hurt, Despres.

Despres leaves the game, but nothing else happens, and the second period ends uneventfully.

SECOND PERIOD AWARDS

Best Husband goes to my TKhusband, who brought me an entire case of Lindemans Framboise for Christmas, and brought it in the door just as James Neal was in the way of the puck to cause it to bounce into the goal.

Best husband ever

THIRD PERIOD

Yay, Despres is back on the bench! I hope he's all right.

The Pens get a power play and Steve Sullivan actually puts the puck into the net. I'm as surprised as you are. Pens lead 2-1

A bad Carolina turnover results in a two-on-one, which then results in a fabulous goal for Pascal Dupuis. And another Malkin assist. Pens lead 3-1

I suspect that the Christmas Sweater will be making an appearance on Thursday.

Jordan Staal demonstrates why he is the superior Staal and storms in two-on-one with Dupuis. Instead of passing the puck, like we're used to seeing, JStaal proves his mastery by slamming the puck right into the net. Pens lead 4-1

After a bunch of back-and-forth, Tuomo Ruutu grabs the puck on a Penguins turnover and waits for Fleury to commit to a save so that he can put it top-shelf. Pens lead 4-2

Do the Pens seriously have 50 shots on goal? That's kind of ridiculous.

Pretty Princess James Neal gets called for slashing with 2:49 left in the game. Yay! An opportunity for ROOT Sports to experiment with even shittier camera angles!

The Canes fail to score, or do basically anything else, as the game comes to an end.

THIRD PERIOD AWARDS

I'm going to give the Most Anticipated award to myself and the rest of PH Staff, as we'll be in attendance on Thursday.

Will we get loaded on whiskey milkshakes and embarrass ourselves?

Will we be seeing the Christmas Sweater once again?

I can hardly wait!

GO PENS

We got you this. We didn't know what else to get you.
Happy Holidays, bitches. wooo

. . .was my sustenance during this game.

This game began with a Stain.
We were always of the belief that Winnipeg, as a Canadian city, was at least as deserving as the Southern American sprawl of Atlanta in terms of requiring a hockey team. (I mean remember the time the ASG was in Atlanta, what was with that shit.)

Anyway, apparently the city of Winnipeg has gotten its dick so hard over this business that they've forgotten you actually have to play 60 minutes before you have something to blow your load over.
So, we'll roll out the red carpet and try to wash the Stain out of it:
MOST ANNOYING FANS OUTSIDE OF FRENCH CANADA

Girls: your signs aren't funny.
Winnipeg: chanting "FLEURRRRYYYYYYYY" before puck drop doesn't even actually make sense.
Booing Malkin because he's better than anyone on your team will ever be is as good as jamming his manhood in your mouth and saying "I'M JEALOUS"
You guys are idiots. We know you're a Canadian city with a rich hockey history and all that, but you've had your team for 2 minutes and the old Jets sucked too and we don't see any Cup banners and even if we did that's no excuse to act like the Lord Himself blessed you with his bloody, hockey spittle.
Pure poetry, I know. But really. SHUT UP.

MOMENT YOU GAVE BIRTH TO UNLIMITED OLIVE GARDEN BREADSTICKS
When, in the first period, after breathless hard work and Fleury Ballin', Joe Vitale put in a rebound. Ondrej Pavelec's first mistake, as he broke a shutout streak in this moment. Tough.

Pavelec then records an album of traditional Czech music and submits it to Eurovision. This photo is the cover.

This photo is not:

Italy makes a comeback in Eurovision.


yum

Also this period, Asham fought some dude. Okay. We accept.


It was because some guy messed with Gene. We understand fights like this. Sort of anyway. Didn't appear that Asham caused a brain injury either so that's A+.

PERIOD THAT WINNIPEG THOUGHT THAT IT MIGHT BE WORTH BREATHING AGAIN
The one where their team actually scored, lol.

WHATEVER BURMISTROV

Winnipeg fans immediately start screaming into the void again.
Pens are otherwise pretty solid.

Meanwhile, in the press box, Steiggy and Errey are discussing things like the meaning of Christmas or whatever. You just have a good feeling.

LEAST LIKELY TO POSSESS THE BLACK RING
James Neal sniped some shit like a boss really early in the third.
We can't find a picture of the goal, so this artist's representation will have to suffice:

Admittedly, this baby is doing it wrong, trying to play all the colors at once, but we allow this when James Neal is playing. It adds to the competition and length of play if you have to acquire, say, ALL the necklaces.
This season, James Neal is definitely setting his sights on all Pretty Pretty Princess game pieces.
Also, it says something about the NHL that we had to double check and make sure Phil Kessel wasn't out with a concussion, based solely on the fact that he is in the Richard Trophy race. Say your prayers everyone. And watch out for that black ring.

NAILS IN THE COFFIN
Jets suck.
Staal, like a grizzled WWI soldier in the trenches, hauls himself up from the mud and scores one:


Pascal Dupuis then rushed into the zone more or less all alone and sniped the glitter out of Ondrej.

WELP

This is about as good as it gets. And the city was quiet. And there were no more masturbation tissues to be had in the arena.

PENS WIN 4-1
~ lol ~ FLEUUUURRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Soups and salads for all.

INDIVIDUAL AWARD: MOST LIKELY TO HAVE EATEN A SMALL COUNTRY AT INTERMISSION OUT OF SHEER CRUELTY

Dustin.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Marc-Andre - did everything else and no one ever cares about how amazing he is for some reason


2. Joe Vitale - for mentally transporting us to another world
3. Simon Despres - Tequila boy making himself nearly indispensable; imagine relying on anyone else at this point

p.s. Malkin got kneed in the head, if he's concussed we should probably cancel hockey in favor of philosophical conversation, beating off, and crying:



GOOD
NIGHT
ATLANTAPEG


go pens ~~~~~

The Penguins were kind of in a weird place where they didn't look 100% like a real hockey team all the time and there were all these depressing stats about how the Pens lost every single game ever to every team that has ever been worthy of the playoffs.
Well, tonight the Pens hung with the team that had the top spot in the NHL. They managed to control the play for the most part, alongside some puck sweet-talking by Marc-André.
Of course the Blackhawks were going to come out flying in the third, but all we had to do was hold them off, I guess. Or some shit.

Engo is probably going to be suspended for some awkward, probably unintentional high hit that he landed (and then had to fight a guy over it).
But, the gods have given us this photo, which means something pure and good game from the incident:


We also did, however, receive the Most Awkward Photo OF ALL TIME:

Which is also kind of adorable and possibly a lost vignette from Sebald's The Rings of Saturn.

Our favorite moment of the game was, however, Ben Lovejoy's assist to Tyler Kennedy, which will go down in no NHL history book but be remembered by anyone worth being friends with.

Basically everyone can suck it except us tonight, because we did A Good Thing compared to the last Good Thing we did, which was blow out a broken man at the end of his rope. Not that Ray Emery is the pinnacle of emotional stability, but it's not like he played badly.
Even despite the fact that James Neal apparently had his way with at least one official's teenage daughter in the back of a convertible in Miami or some shit. He even scored a goal, because we're that pimp.

WOOOO WHATEVER about as excited as we're going to get about a game in December that we didn't even get to go to. WELP. Fleury was amazing, did we mention?


Protip: booze anytime you have to deal with Patrick Kane on your TV.
Go Pens.