Apparently Kings fans noticed the *cough* TENT CITY OF TWILIGHT FANS WAITING FOR THE BREAKING DAWN MOVIE PREMIERE outside of their arena (the Nokia Theater being right next to the Staples Center) and weren't exactly pleased. This women's Kings hockey blog complete with an extremely sexy picture of Mike Richards had the story. Tent cities are totally legal for purposes of being totally fucking insane.
A more complete account is available here on some website we've never heard of. It involves Chuck Klosterman so is probably otherwise awful.
This wholesome family says "hockey fans are obnoxious."
Some raging Kings fans told this man that "Twilight fans suck."
Something that is incredibly evident from these last 2 games is that the Pens are finally getting into a groove and we can dub these games as Real by our Rules of the Universe. Yes, it actually happened. We have no need to pretend it was all a bad dream. This was legit guys. Sometimes you are the better/morally superior/more full of awesome team and you get a less-than-perfect night for Brent Johnson and Cam Ward playing his Memorial Trophy Best, likely insufflating PCP from the planet Krypton and sending the resulting emissions through a wormhole to power a village. That is our fucking worldview, and we're sticking to it.
This was tough. This was screaming YOU MOTHER FUCKING CUNT FACE at your television. This is ~hockey~ ladies and gentlemen.
MOMENT YOU FUCKED ALL THAT NOISE, WITH A RAKE First period started. I was making pasta. I swore and almost burned the bacon (of course bacon is involved in pasta, what's wrong with you), but one goal didn't phase me. It would later. In other words, it was kinda a balls way to start this off. Can't actually find a picture of Skinner's goal or celebration. It may have looked something like this: Bad joke? But how are you doing in pre-algebra, Jeffrey?
Asham also fought some guy. etc.
Pens actually had unlimited chances this period in general. But Cam Ward was like ~~~~~.
MOST QUICKLY DASHED HOPES UPON THE ROCKS, AS IF TRAPPED IN TUMULTUOUS SEAS There was some unreal shot of Malkin and Sullivan on the bench clearly talking to each other in very animated fashion. You felt that it was a meaningful moment, one for the history books, maybe, and if not, one that might be fun to reflect upon later, after we kick ass and win. Meanwhile, the Canes act like asshats and the officials are like "shrug" and the Pens end up with like. All of the 5 on 3. As in, a minute and a half. If they'd been given at least a year to work on this complicated problem, maybe they would have shot the puck. It was a destructive moment. It changed everything. just drink.
Shortly thereafter, Canes get a goal. Welp, that was definitely justice. Way to be awful. People are whispering over beers everywhere that Cam Ward is basically impenetrable and that we're about to get ourselves straight fucked. CAM WARD CONN SMYTHE WINNER IS THE BEST GOALIE EVER BORN. Something like that. We're still in a daze. Shortly thereafter, there is even yet another goal. Jeff Skinner has 5832904823 points. In the last 5 minutes of the period, you get the sensation that even being down 3-0, we could still win this thing. One before the horn would be good. Malkin's feeling it. But no, fuck that business, we have a real hockey game to play right quick, as soon as we injure some Steve Sullivan and cry into our ice cream in the locker room.
But then all will be cleansed.
LEAST REAL GOAL that time Eric Staal thought he scored by poking Brent Johnson's pad. Really now. We just had to say that.
MOST REAL GOAL We end up with JStaal on a line with Gene and Neal after Sullivan is eliminated from 3rd Period Comeback situations. But Staal gets open in the slot. Cam Ward, thinking he is safe, momentarily resumes the search under his bed for his favorite bong. We wish we had a picture, but we don't. There are hundreds of pics from this game, apparently, and like 10% of the goal celebrations. Whatever. We're fucking shit up. Goal. 3-1, assholes.
Also, another goal, of Puck Huffers, has been to have their efforts in the Staal Brothers Drinking Game recognized by the Penguins organization. This sort of counts:
We like how they're keeping it PG with a blizzard cup, but if you've ever put bourbon in your ice cream or milkshake, or maybe if you just enjoy Blizzards a great deal, you were definitely picking up what they were putting down.
WHEN YOU REALIZED THAT WE WERE STILL THE MONSTER THAT ERIC SEES WHEN HE SLEEPS Pens are PKing something as Steiggy and Errey continue to talk up the BROTHERS MATCHUP. Jordan Staal suddenly gets a loooong breakaway. Gets Ward looking the wrong way, in true Matt Cooke fashion. Mattie immediately comes over to congratulate, because it was a fucking PK so of course Mattie is out there. Thanks, guys. Lady's eye bottom right is nonplussed.
MOST THICKENING PLOT ROOT Sports busts out a comparative graphic, perhaps anticipating that your psyche will need some extra cushioning from alcohol for what is to come: As you can clearly see, Jordan is the statistically superior brother. When Kunitz buries it to tie with like 8 minutes left, you just FEEL that something good might happen. . .but this graphic can't have boded well, because the only reason ROOT would ever display anything ever is if it were meant to be taken ironically 5 minutes ltaer. Jinx.
NO BUT ACTUALLY beeeeeejjjj. why you gotta be like that. It's 4-3. Start calling your loved ones. The monster has been freed from the Penguins' watchful, metaphysical barriers and is roaming the countryside unchecked. You could be next.
MOST OVERWHELMING TERROR. OF ALL TIME EVER. hngggggggggg chat larose on a breakaway, what is faith, what is love, what is livelihood, what is laughter and pleasure we will never experience them again. Or at least not until Tuesday. THANKS A LOT CHAD FOR BEING SO FUCKING GROSS.
PENS LOSE 5-3 hgnggfdjhgl
INDIVIDUAL AWARD: CAM WARD MEMORIAL TROPHY Jeff Skinner doesn't deserve it, so we have to give it to Ryan Johansen. Who has every game-winning goal for Columbus this season. That's right, all three of them. And he's even younger than Jeff Skinner. He's 19 and probably would go to a Thrice concert with you if you asked him really nice. Way to put being the precocious rookie to good use.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS 1. Jordan Staal - 2 goals, duh. Carolina gives him no stars because they're cocks. 2. Evegeni Malkin - apparently playing inhuman levels of hockey doesn't always mean auto-goal. 12 shots. 3. Chris Kunitz - for getting another real goal.
It was tough to hang with. But it was reality. And we fought hard and gave ourselves a chance to win, so whatever. On to the next one.
How perfect can a man be? He can have the charm of Bear Grylls. He can have the upper body strength of Robert Irvine. He could even love America as much as Ron Swanson. But no man can do what James Neal does to us these days. Really. We're kind of thirteen, and he's kind of Edward Cullen. Sometimes we do things we aren't proud of.
OUTFIT THAT MADE YOU FEEL MOST ANTI-AMERICAN FOR HATING We here at PH respect veterans and their families. We love America and anyone who would want to risk their lives protecting it, because we know that the "American" military is just the government's way of making sure Pittsburgh is protected while not offending any of the much less important places (all of them but Pittsburgh.) But come onnnnn. We're FC trash at our core, and we still think there's a better way to express pride than cammo. Really bad cammo, at that. *Sigh* At least it was over fast.
BLUEST BALLS This award goes to you, sitting at home, watching the first half of the first period. The action on the ice is really divine. Malkin is being a god, James Neal is being a James Neal. Brooksy is having fun. Everyone is getting into the spirit. Unfortunately it's all foreplay with no payoff. We find ourselves still looking for a money shot late into the period.
MOST MISDIRECTED MONEY SHOT If you were hoping for a money shot, however, your faith was misplaced, as Nystrom slips one into our net. We've never seen such a failed attempt to turn us on since we spied the "Forced to Lactate" series in a nearby... library. *ahem.* The series peters out around the 10th film (seriously) but the covers have really never stopped calling our faith in humanity into question. If you have the stomach for it and the time to clear your browser history, check out this cover art for the fourth installment. Almost exactly what this goal looked like to us.
MOST CONFUSING SECOND If you are like us and don't really think in complete thoughts and only listen to buzz words so that you can focus more on the measurment of whiskey going into your coffee, you may have momentarily thought OH NOES when you heard that GoGo Boots is out of the game with an upper body injury during the first half of the second period. It passes like a bolt of lightning. "Oh sh-oh wait, hasn't he been gone for like, years?" Not that we'd ever want to see someone get hurt, especially if they helped the Guins in a time of need. But sir, something about your outfit is a little less... sympathetic. We feel some relief when we remember. And then we feel a little guilty. We can live with that.
MOMENT YOU THANKED YOUR LUCKY STARS The refs wave off a Kunitz goal and you're starting to think that 11-11-11 may just be the worst day yet, when Neal lets a one timer loose and saves your day and the spirits of all. We never doubted you sir, not once.
THE EVEN WORSE CASE OF BLUE BALLS Kunitz gets a goal waved off once again by the refs at the beginning of the third and a conspiracy is in the air. You think that maybe the president is involved. Or maybe the vice president. Or former vice president. Or at least someone who plays the president on television is really invested in making Kunitz fail tonight. Then, he finally gets out of it and gets the puck on his stick before sailing it into the net. Curse lifted. BUT OH WAIT It touched someone else's stick? Something else? Black magic, possibly. Neal ends up with the point and you wonder, briefly, if he sold his soul to the devil. And then you remember how handsome he is. Definitely sold his soul to the devil. And we love him all the more for it.
MOST UNEXPECTED CHERRY ON TOP Mattie Cooke nails up the coffin with a penalty shot. No, I didn't have a stroke. It happened. This alone makes this night golden. God bless America.
INDIVIDUAL AWARD
WORST-HEALING WOUND We know we've never been Sid fangirls, but really, we're willing to admit we'd saw off our own limbs to get him back. We just wanted to give him an award. It's been too long.
Getting to watch the Project Bundle Up video is basically Christmas. Probably because we have ovaries. Also because we are not joyless trolls who hate children. So here is a recap of this year's Project Bundle Up. The kids don't even need those coats yet, but they will. Oh they will.
0:30: A lady explains to the kids what they are going to get. "Probably a nice hat" is one of the items on the list. Just probably nice. 0:41: Epic Pascal Dupuis mustache depiction. Then Niskanen is dressing behind the scenes in a batman-esque moment. 1:00: Sidney Crosby adamant about gloves for a child. 1:07: Girl questions Matt Cooke's choice of a lime green winter coat. She ain't digging the green no more. His "what" is on point. He accuses her of being picky. 1:14: "Is good or big? Good? Try left." Geno should totally do employee training at Payless. ALWAYS TRY ON BOTH SHOES, GUYS. 1:21: Brooks Orpik looking extremely thoughtful. 1:25: Kris Letang puts a red hood on a complacent child. We don't think this is a ritual. 1:30 Steve Sullivan is interviewed. "A lot of good stuff," he says.
A very short project bundle up compared to others of years past. However, we believe that Geno's presence saves this moment implicitly.
It feels like it's been forever since the Pens played a game. This is compounded by their last two games being out west and thus super, super late at night. I managed to stay up for the San Jose game, but that one in LA just kicked my ass.
I am also finding it difficult to maintain enthusiasm when the news of the day consists of "OMG THE PENGUINS ARE GOING TO NEMACOLIN FOR TEAM BUILDING EXERCISES."
I am also thoroughly over the Sidney Crosby hype. Don't get me wrong, I love watching Sid play hockey. But seriously, do I need to be updated every single day on what's going on with him from every single media source? He'll come back when he comes back. And it's probably going to be sometime soon. SHUT UP ABOUT IT.
Shit, this is starting to turn into Angry Tuesday. Time to think of happier things.
Kris Letang clocking an average of 27:01 in ice time this season makes me smile.
I hope this portends future excellence
After Dallas and Carolina this weekend, we're playing Colorado. Seeing a matchup of my current favorite team and my previous favorite team always puts a smile on my face. Plus, you know, the Avs play like girls.
Mostly, though, I'm happy it's Movember. I'm happy that I only have to wait a few days for more hockey, instead of a few months. The air is crisp and clear and soon it will be Thanksgiving, which is one of my favorite holidays.
Having never been to Los Angeles, I really can't tell you how the Kings fit into their collective psyche. Suffice it to say, said collective psyche is probably getting Mike Richards Disease from a case of prolonged exposure. Also: people are dicks. But we brought justice to the west coast. We rode into battle. It wasn't pretty at all. It was actually kind of ugly. But, as everyone is saying: wouldn't this be an amazing Stanley Cup Final.
We would be shitting our pants several times daily before Game 3. What are you even talking about.
MOST WOODWORK Bob Errey claims the Kings are doing a "lot of woodwork" when they take like nine penalties. Including Rob Scuderi, who put a puck over the glass all by himself, causing the Kings to take some big-time timeout and act like they were calming things down. It was actually insane. All kinds of slashing and poking. But apparently not enough to make a birdhouse or a clock. The Pens obviously fail to score on the 5 on 3, because that's just what they do. The 5 on 3 actually goes on for something like three frigging minutes (but we could be exaggerating)? Anyway, Letang did some patient play and got the puck to Sullivan after getting eveyone turned around, on their knees, looking the other way. JQuick was powerless. It's Sullivan's first as a Penguin. He means business. The goal itself means business. There will be no A's in shop class forthcoming. James Neal's facial hair threatens to steal the spotlight from Sullivan's understated joy. Hint: unsuccessful.
MOMENT YOU STARTED LOOKING OVER YOUR SHOULDER Early in the 2nd Kris Letang got attacked by Dustin Brown, decided he'd had enough of Brown's face, and had an angersplosion in his face. It was a penalty. Immediately thereafter, the Pens got "too many men" so it was the Kings' turn to be embarrassing. It didn't quite happen for them, though, until later. There was an awkward moment where Chris Kunitz's head was in a guy's crotch. Kunitz was just everywhere tonight. Vitale continues to work his balls off ans Sullivan never leaves the ice. Something is up. Robert Bortuzzo, who was pretty gosh darn solid for his first ever NHL game (i.e. he did a couple of little things and went otherwise unnoticed) got called for a rough. We missed the replay so we're not experts. Anyway, it was a Thing, and we're pretty sure Richards acted like he was dying for funsies. We see a Mike Comrie highlight reel of a single empty net goal. Yep, shit's getting weird. [at this point in the recap, I fell asleep while typing and started saying something about how we "didn't have the keys." There was also a picture of an extinct tortoise species open on my computer. So I went to bed. Sorry. Recap continues in real English sentences now.] We get a very intense moment of Brent Johnson, a beacon of hope. Most Important Man Award
Pens commit some turnover in the neutral zone and Anze Kopitar chugs on in like an unmanned, highly intelligent Train of Doom. Makes it look easy. Oh god, he is a robot of flesh.
Shoulders: you have been looked over. Fleury responds to the goal by making nine million saves on the doorstep. Fuck you.
MOMENT YOU CHECKED YOUR HANDS FOR UNREMEMBERED BLOOD The third period didn't get off to a great start. Everyone bailing everyone else out. Finally, Stoll does something stupid and slashes someone. Pens PP takes the ice, but Mike Richards is all over that shit. He gets a breakaway chance, and Kris Letang makes the play he's been making for years. You know, as Steiggy and Errey say, STICK ON PUCK JGFLKSDJFJLDS. But no. It was instead a penalty shot. Luckily Mike Richards is an idiot who crumbles under expectations. Can't find any pics of Richards failing. Some speculation was had as to whether or not Fleury made an unbelievable save with the shaft of his stick--as it appeared on the slow-mo replay--but Fleury was adamant in postgame that Richards didn't give him anything. The Pens power play resumes and Malkin immediately fans on a golden opportunity. If the person next to you is missing at this point, you may have killed them and hidden the body without realizing it.
A GIFT AND A CURSE Something goes on along the boards which leaves every King open ever, and they score on a delayed penalty. Gagne. Really. Of course it was going to be Gagne. 2-1 and there are like six minutes left. You don't want to hope, because Quick is good, and Kopitar is always lurking with mechanical intensity. Kings are shortly thereafter under the impression that they got another goal, but it was a high stick. Yeah, lol. Could it be? No. . .certainly not. Could battling from behind still be in our blood?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FUCK YOU Pens come back swarming. Picard throws the puck up ice for an actual rush. Kunitz and Staal go to work kicking ass down low, and Kunitz comes out from behind the net. Quick could just come over and save that in spectacular fashion. Or he could not quite get there. There are bodies everywhere so it's hard to see the puck go in from TV. But Steiggy knows. And so does Chris Kunitz. This isn't even a real award, it's just fact. FUCK YOU. lol
Kings do some shit to James Neal in the neutral zone after the goal, causing Brooks Orpik to probably threaten the officials' families. Adams and Vitale work their testicles off in the corners. With 30 seconds left, Kris Letang almost wins it in regulation but hits a post. Good god.
WEIRDEST FIVE MINUTES Overtime was just awkward. Errey says he gets the feeling it is going to shootout which is such a jinx move, but we still love you Bobby. Fleury makes a million saves in general and Sullivan is blindsided by Stoll in a startling sequence. Richards gets a chance with 10 seconds left when, purportedly, the referees intentionally don't call a trip. Could have been the game right there. But it wasn't. We live.
MOST VALUABLE PLAYERS When the shootout hits, it goes something like this: Stoll shoots it wide, because he deserves nothing in life. Malkin is stopped by Quick hardcore. Kopitar comes in, in all of his fleshbot glory, and opens up Fleury's five hole like a package of Tostitos. This guy is something else. Only member of the Kings really threatening us at all. Letang scores, faked Quick out so hard he didn't know what day it was. Dustin Brown is thwarted by Fleury's badassery. James neal equally thwarted, his facial hair not resplendent enough to beat Quick. Fleury continues the FUCK YOU to Simon Gagne. But Chris Kunitz. Oh Chris Kunitz. There goes the neighborhood. WE ARE BURNING IT DOWN.
INDIVIDUAL AWARD: DIDN'T FUCK UP AT THINGS No hugely flagrant mistakes in your first NHL game and more or less playing with confidence. Thanks, Robert Bortuzzo. We needed you.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS Kings gave the first star to Kopitar because they don't care about Truth. Kunitz was not even a star. So. Bitter much?
1. Chris Kunitz
2. Marc-Andre fucking Fleury Saving with his eyes closed.
3. Pepper. Eternally watching over us and protecting us from Anze. Getty Images, you made this way too easy.
We have a game against the Kings at 10:30PM, which could be potentially deadly. We thought we'd get some grievances into the open case we die of frustration. Example: the Pens injury report versus the Kings injury report via Empty Netters: Injuries: For the Penguins, defensemen Kris Letang (undisclosed), Matt Niskanen (undisclosed) and center Jordan Staal ("lower-body") are questionable. Centers Sidney Crosby (concussion), Tyler Kennedy (concussion), defensemen Ben Lovejoy (left wrist), Zbynek Michalek (finger) and Brian Strait (elbow) are on injured reserve. For the Kings, center Colin Fraser (ankle) is on injured reserve.
Well fuck that shit with a 10-foot pole.
Anyway. I guess that's one thing to be angry about out of the way.
Did you also know that there are people who charge $5 for pieces of cardboard to avoid getting mascara on your eyelid becuase you suck at putting on mascara and need a lot of help? Not the most advisable purchase.
What else can we possibly discuss? For my own part, my boyfriend and I were both going to work this morning in downtown Boston, and on my way back from brushing my teeth I heard him say indignantly to Siri on his new iPhone: "ADD TWEEZERS TO SHOPPING LIST." Because writing things down is generally too hard for most of the general population. It's okay, Siri. We forgive you.
No, no you are not glamorous, not at all. Not tonight. You see, things were so good.
But, if you've watched the Pens for the last couple of years, and if you're familiar with the Sharks, you knew it could only get bad somehow. It didn't get bad quickly, as it often does, but it was a slow build to Bad that left slivers of hope in the deepest recesses of a rumkugel.
Patrick Marleau's fantasies persisted. You know in this moment he's wearing a gray merino wool sweater next to the Christmas tree and saluting a kitten. It is very akin to Tyler Kennedy's pony goal celebrations.
In the same moment that things became possible, they became less likely. The Sharks executed "play one terrible period, then act like that never happened and make everyone in Pittsburgh shit their pants" with gusto and perfection.
We knew the death shot was coming when Malkin got stuck in some chocolate on the way to Greiss. Here is said death shot from Ryane Clowe: Fleury and Greiss were the story of the game. Greiss came up tall in the end. It happens.
More or less.
Alternative three stars can all be found in aspects of Deryk Engelland's face: Go Pens
Here at PH, we are going to celebrate a number of things in the days leading up to the Pens game. Joe Vitale is November mustache boy, which will look sexy at our pre-Thanksgiving trip to Olive Garden for breadsticks and chicken alfredo. Crosby is taking Engelland hits in practice, and looks as relaxed and happy as we've ever seen him:
Andy Sutton was recently suspended for doing something stupid--or should we say Shanahammered. Anyway, in honor of these glorious occasions, and of the strange, cold temperatures, and of the Pens' second westward trip of the season (THANKS NHL), we're going to share some soup recipes with you. The Caps also just won in OT, so we need to distract ourselves from their march up to Winnipeg to grab the November Stanley Cup.
From Mary: Brunswick Stew
My hockey-loving mom used to make this when my sisters and I were growing up. It's best when served with corn muffins or cornbread. This recipe is presented exactly as she sent to me.
2½
lb bone-in chicken (white, dark or combination)
about 4-5 quarts of water
3-4
stalks of celery
4
carrots, peeled
1
medium onion, peeled and chopped
2
large red potatoes, peeled and chopped in bite-size pieces
1
t. salt
¼
t. pepper
⅛
or less t. oregano
⅛
t. dried basil
⅛
t. dried thyme
2
t. dried parsley or 1 T. fresh minced parsley
1
15-oz can of tomatoes, mashed or pureed
1
box frozen lima beans (baby limas are best)
1 to 1½
cups frozen corn
Simmer chicken (white, dark or combination) in water for about 1 to 1-½ hours until tender and done. Drain broth and allow to cool to solidify most of fat. Allow chicken to cool slightly, then remove skin and bones and cut up chicken into bite-size pieces.
As chicken is cooling, cut up celery, carrots, and onion. Also peel and cut up potatoes and put under water in a separate bowl until ready to use.
Combine seasonings and set aside. Saute the chopped celery and carrots in a small amount of margarine or oil in a 4-qt. Dutch oven until celery seems tender. Puree tomatoes in a blender (or mash them well by hand) and add to Dutch oven.
Add the broth, minus the fat, and bring mixture to a boil. Add seasonings at any time, and adjust them if necessary. Also add lima beans (“baby limas” are best) and corn. Once the mixture boils, remove about 2 cups broth (if you want to serve potatoes in the stew), drain the raw potatoes and cook the potatoes in the broth. Watch the potatoes as they cook and add water if broth gets too thick and potatoes might burn. Add the chicken to the rest of the broth and simmer for about another 15 minutes. Add the cooked potatoes to the stew if you don’t plan to freeze the remains, or serve the potatoes on the side.
From Zoë: I haven't actually made this yet, but it looks fucking delicious and involves lamb and dark beer, which are two of the best things to ever grace the human mouth.
1/4 cup olive oil 2 1/2 lbs lamb (mix of shoulder and shanks) 1 yellow onion (diced) 6 cloves garlic (chopped) 1 large can of whole tomatoes (drained and mashed) 1 tbls chipotle puree or powder 1 tbls ancho chili powder (or mexican chili powder) 1 tbls pasilla chili powder (or cayenne) 1 tbls cumin 2 tsp ground coriander 1 tbls mexican oregano (or regular oregano) 2 cups chicken stock 3/4 bottle of shiner bock (or any other dark beer but preferably a bock) 1-2 tbls honey dash cinnamon salt&pepper 2 cups black beans
Garnish: red onions, cheddar cheese, cilantro, sour creme.
Method: heat oil, add lamb, salt and pepper, sear, remove lamb with slotted spoon. Add onion, cook till soft, add garlic for one minute, add tomato, chipotle, and other spices. Return lamb, add stock and beer, cover and simmer at low heat for at least 1.5 hours. Add honey at 30 minutes left. During last 15 minutes, add cinnamon, beans, and salt and pepper to taste.
Recipe from here. And I'm making it like, within the month, because I need it in my face.
PH DomesticBlog: you dig? The NHL seems to be in a perpetual state of "what the fuck, do we care?" this season; making soup is an effective way to distract oneself from the Problem.
Also: taking suggestions on what each of the Penguins would be if they were a soup or stew.
