First and foremost we must remind you all to register to go to Las Vegas for the NHL awards show. Seeing as PH staff receive their invitations delivered by hand from various NHL star players, we promote you guys getting some free tickets and living it up while we critique fashion and speeches and generally boo the undeserving recipients the NHL has chosen this year. 

The Penguins were in my territory last night, and I was somewhere in the 38th hour of sleep deprivation when the game started. Feeling weirdly alive, I figured I'd have no problem finishing up the game and recapping. That was before I started seeing the Ambien walrus with zero input from ambien.

Not too far from the truth.

By the time this was happening:


My email looked like this:

Seeing as how I often walk the two miles to and from my place of work because I am too poor to afford subway tokens, this was clearly a problem.
However, I do suggest Chocomize.
I made a candy bar that contained: beef jerky, bacon bits, coffee grounds,  mini chipotle peppers and 23 karate gold flakes.
I named it the MANdy Bar. 

So, needless to say I passed out shortly after all of the delirium, and had some really weird dreams for about 14 hours. (It's called REM rebound, bitches, and it's a fact. If you want to watch the coolest, weirdest movie in your brain during the night, just  stop sleeping for over 40 hours. Then you can marry Brooks Orpik and have half-zebra children and live in the auditorium of what you understand to be your former high school but really looks like a shopping mall when you think about it.) 

It's all that I can ever really ask for that the citizens of this city be miserable while I flit about the streets in Pens gear, telling them all they can go to hell, and the Penguins delivered on that.
Thank you, men.

In other news, Mike Comrie is coming back tonight, which is cool. Zoe will be getting the game (and I'm no fortune teller, but I feel a drunkblog in the air and it smells like nachos and cheap tequila) so give her your attention and ever-loving respect.

Waiting for media last night before passing out led me to prepare this for the recap that never happened, but I thought I'd share my fevered train of thought anyway:

 

Curry Bless. 
Go Pens. 

Report: Chris Osgood leaking fat out of his hernia or something


1. BROOKS IS PRACTICING YAY
2. Take a shot for every time Brooks says "obviously" or "especially" in this video. Then, write us an e-mail sensuously describing your experience.

Tomorrow's game is up in the air.
We'll entertain you somehow.
Go Pens.

Okay, first of all, Go Pens.
Despite your little maneuver where the Wings caught up to you after you had a seemingly insurmountable lead we at least pulled two points out of this game.

Secondly, what sort of back ally interns did the press find to man their cameras last night?
Waiting for photos to roll in was ridiculous last night, and when I saw that this photo was one of the 8 submitted to our favorite media hub from the game last night (two of which are the same photo, submitted twice), I was ready to throw in the towel:
 
With swamp thing appearing in the published photos, you have to wonder what was left on the cutting room floor other than ejaculate of Wings bloggers when regulation ended and they started getting fevered ideas of what could happen.

So, with these remaining photos, let me try to assemble a story that accurately describes last night's game:

Chapter One:
 Once apon a time there was an ice hockey team named the Pittsburgh Penguins. They were the best team in all the lands, and had the bitchingest players. One day they were forced to play hockey in the Land of the Forgotten - a wasteland that once produced slightly useful things but was now being taken off the map by their own government - to play the Detroit Red Wings.

At first, the Pittsburgh Penguins were doing just fine. Everyone on the team was doing amazing things on the ice. Benny Lovejoy had a chance at a goal, Brent Johnson was making all of the ladies of the land pregnant with his wonderful saves, and Deryk Engelland got hit in the face with a puck and came right back out onto the ice, showing everyone what high virility he has.


This photo takes us to a scene during the hockey game in the Land of the Forgotten.
Dustin Jeffery is a hardworking boy trying to get his family's puck to the other end of the ice. Tomas Holmstrom is the town molester and plans to rape little Jeffery after the game if the Penguins don't win. Jeffery cried for a little while when he heard this, but after his mother told him he could do it, he went to defend himself. 
Because this moment of bravery and motherly love is so important, it was published twice:


 Then, before anyone knew what was happening, Pascal Dupuis got the puck. Pascal, you see, was the town archer. And while very good at hitting things dead-center, this is not the most useful of skills in hockey. Goalies across the land protect their logos when they see Pascal coming their way, but the net is not their foremost concern. This time, however, a miracle had occurred!
Pascal had take a special pill, given to him my a mysterious man with a Nova Scotian accent. With the power from this pill, Pascal wraps around the goal and puts the puck in!

Always, always take pills from mysterious men, children.

Chris Kunitz, one of the valiant knights from the village, asks Pascal how he got the magic that he was playing with. Pascal smiles at him, and asks if he'd like to work off of the magic. The two of them set off to work, and in a few moments, Pascal has given the puck to Chris, who expertly guides it into the net. 

The Pens skip to the locker room, 2-0 and pleased.


Chapter Two:

The Pittsburgh Penguins now rein over the Land of the Forgotten with an iron fist - they cut off the hands of thieves, put enemies of the state in the iron maiden, and kill random citizens at will. It is a beautiful time in the Land of the Forgotten, and all of the citizens cheer.

Pascal, our hero from before, uses his magic again to put another puck in the net. And as we've learned, Pascal is plenty happy to share his magic with other on the team.
Tyler Kennedy, prince of all the lands, asks him if he can borrow some.

"Why of course you can, mister Kennedy!"

The Pittsburgh Penguins are obviously very happy that everyone in the kingdom now looks to them for answers and that the villagers shake in fear when they walk by.

Unfortunately, the magic gets out of hand. Young Kris Letang, a unicorn herder,  got carried away in the magic. His skates got a mind of their own, and reached out for the nearest puck to send it into a net. Unfortunately, he inadvertently attacked his own lands. 

The magic was gone. A cloud fell over the lands.  


Chapter Three: 


Things have gotten terrible in the lands.
Count Filppula has arrived on his dark steed to put a puck in the net for the enemy, the protective magic having been broken.
Kronwall and Modano, part of the former royal family of the Land of the Forgotten (rumored to be incestuous) get a point each to tie the score.  

Things have gone terrible awry.

Chapter Four: 

Hint: Don't rent the extended versiou when it comes out on DVD.
Just get the one that goes straight to "Happily Ever After."

And they all lived happily ever after.

CAN THAT NEVER EVER HAPPEN AGAIN OKAYPLZ AND CAN PRESS PLEASE WAKE THE FUCK UP FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON?
Thank you, Prince Neal.

*sigh*
Calming our hearts.
Never losing again.
Never doing that again, either.
Go Pens. 

Asham is coming back tonight, so whatev.

Solid offerings from our Mattie Cooke memegen.



















First of all, all of these are anonymous offerings, and we just want to extend a heartfelt Thank You to all.
Second, we're not going to act like we enjoy elbows to heads, or think that such things shouldn't be cause for suspension.
The issue here is more with the fact that anyone who participates in any aspect of professional hockey, be it as a journalist, a fan, a front-office representative, or a player, should realize that this issue needs to be examined without bias.  All head shots are shitty.  Enough of them and your brain could end up like Bob Probert's. . .i.e., not good.  Many people, dare we say it, stupid people, want to paint this as an issue concerning individual villains who aren't being punished enough.  And yes, it starts there--dishing out individual punishment, creating fines that target teams and ownership, these would all be steps in the right direction.

But the most important step is realizing that the problem is an over-arching one within the culture of hockey.
You win with both toughness and with skill.  Up-front toughness is being discouraged.  It is, in fact, better and more coest-effective and more depth-building to have players who will both agitate and crash the net, both fight and have good breakout passing.  It's why we lol'd at the Rangers for throwing money at Boogaard, it's why Eric Godard's role on the Penguins is vanishing.  The trend is towards subtleties and gray areas, ways to fit into the bigger, faster, stronger, smarter gameplan of the new NHL, ways around rules, ways to legitimize hockey in a United States market.
Matt Cooke's role is alive and well in the NHL, and so should it be.
But someone also needs to come out and police the game, to say that excuses such as "oh, well, it as an accident" or "he's never done anything like this before" aren't good enough.
Stop villifying individuals.  Cross the names out of the news article on NHL.com and see how you feel.
Hockey has always been the sport that most beautifully unites the skill set and passion of the individual with the magic that is teamwork, but this isn't about ~*~*~MATT COOKE~*~*~.  It's about the league.
Matt Cooke made a play at a critical point in the season, and in the game, where maybe he should have thought twice.  Shit happens--another excuse.  Doesn't mean it's totally awesome and we're cool with it.

Pens are going to be fine. 
Something tells us that, like Trevor Gillies' children, Matt Cooke's are still going to eat and have a roof over their heads.
You show what you mean by "justice" and "parity" and the game plays on.
Suck it. 



go pens~~~

Well, tits.
The NHL standings don't update in real time for whatever reason (you know someone could write a javascript that does it), so I've provided my own updates:

10 games remain.

Oh and then there was this:
Stupid.
Will probably lead to a suspension. Luckily some forwards (like Asham and the great Michael Comrie) are getting ready to go.
Chris Kunitz got the Pens ahead with a brilliant shorthanded goal, shot high on one of Lundqvist's vaunted plastic, broad shoulders, making him look like the mere child's toy that he is.
Then the Pens shit the bed on the whole game by allowing two goals in like 2 seconds.
And then 2 more goals, just for extra funsies.
Final score 5-2. Where are you going to hide the bodies?

Referees were slightly out of their minds today but that's okay. Lots of weird stuff getting called on both sides, and a lot of stuff being let go. Seemed like everyone was hungover.br>
p.s. Eminger is scum.

I've started to put all photos relevant to games that don't even deserve to be thought about in a folder on my computer called "wtf." Try it, it's fun.

Suggested methods for the resurrection of god are now being accepted in our inbox. What would your personal gameplan be for the last 10 games?
We like to call it "trying to stay afloat."

In our wildest dreams, Crosby is currently sniping shots in a secret underground ice bunker against robot goaltenders. In reality, we might be going to the playoffs with this crew. Miracles can happen.

Do work.
Go Pens.

EDIT

Make your own: http://memegenerator.net/MattieCooke/

The last time the Pens played, Lauren Bacall was really hot.

Smoldering.

First, we got some inspirational Blingee from Carla:

WINNING THE CUP


Oh that Max and his Bitches.

srs business while you recover from that seizure: Our friend and yours, Vernon Fiddler, was assessed using the new concussion protocol and was fine.
SO FAR ANYWAY.

MouthGuard sent us these peppers as well. His presence is strong in New York.

and elsewhere:
 
Kris is intently trying to figure out what makes the pepper pyramid's shape so strong.
Marc-Andre will destroy his progress, but Pepper will always re-form.
Comrie's head became a pepper leering over Engo's shoulder.
Really stunning things happen behind the scenes.

12:30pm
wake up

GO PENS. 

Death, mostly.
First and foremost, there really isn't an easy way to factor in substitutions, as far as we yet know, with our current spreadsheet layout. So, if you submitted a substitution to us after about the midpoint of the season (and really, that's the only time that we got any), we have saved it. This is how it will work:
SUBSTITUTION POINTS WILL BE TABULATED AT THE END OF THE REGULAR SEASON BY HAND. We know your sub, we know the date and time that it was sent to us. After the last game of the regular season, we will subtract your original player's points from after the date of substitution, and add your substituted player's points from that point forward.
No, it's not going to be easy, but it will probably cause the least headache.

If you'd like to volunteer to help us add points up, feel free to send us an e-mail. i.e. you have more time on your hands than we do, which is admirable.

Apparently it's St. Patrick's day, which is apparently a real holiday.

By now surely you've seen this:

ZACH PARISE AS DETECTIVE ZACH PARISE is a classic that we will use for years.
Enjoying Zach Parise, if you didn't already, can be your gift to yourself this St. Patrick's Day.

You know what we miss?

pepper.

download your copy of Gimp 2.6 today and get to work.
I'd make you a new one, but between the bizarre picture and the Rangers reference (and Ryan Whitney), I was a little torn.
Inspirational Peppers for the Penguins between now and Sunday would be most welcome.

whatever.
Go Pens.

So it's pretty amazing what this team can still do, ammirite? 
Yes.
 I'm wondering how long I can hold off on making this corn dish reference. 
This should be interesting.
Genuine "drunk"blog.

Red carpet, plz?



Why thank you!

WORST PEOPLE
The people of Ottawa are as worthless as this corn dish in a Pittsburgh area home:

Seriously Zoe and I laughed over this product's existence for a good 10 minutes.
We're Fayette County trash so maybe we just don't get it, but really, are you certain this has to exist?

(Totally blew my load too early there.)

Anyway, they are all skipping about while the Penguins are brewing in secret hate for the Sens simply for breathing their air. Somewhere, this is happening:

In Zoe's words, "What a cesspool."

Then, Kovie comes out onto the ice.

Dapper, handsome, former Ottawa Senator and future Mr. Kimberlass.
These people have the sheer audacity to BOO THE LEGEND. 
Okay, Okay, Pens fans have a history of mild boo'ing at Kovie ourselves, but this is a fact I will ignore for shame, and remind all of you to never boo anyone unless they are fat, and I mean bad fat, not Rick "Diesel" Nash fat. (This is apparently his nickname, according to this tweet.)

Needless to say, we go into this game irate.
Luckily it starts off fast and we begin to think it could be a good, close game.
OH HOW THE YOUNG DREAM.

MOST DESERVING OF A HUG
Some nonsense happens for a while and we start to wonder what Diesel's hoodie smells like, and then everything comes back to life and before we know it TK gets a beautiful deflection into the net from Paul Martin's shot. 

Looks like Chris has a sad, but we'll save our hugs for the President of deflections and President of our hearts.
Oh, okay, and for you CanBot.

(It was "Weird Amazon Product Day" today in PH land)

MOST FETUS-Y FACE
Just to make sure we were paying attention, before the end of the first period Deryk tells Chris Neil what is what. 

Seriously, Chris Neil, why is your face so gross and why are your hands so tiny and pale?
We disapprove, in general.


MOST DELAYED REACTIONS
 My feed of the game is so delayed from reality that by the time this happens for Zoe:

This is still happening for me:


What was happening was some rapid fire shooting.
First, a blast from Kovie ends up ping-balling around the net for what felt like an eternity, finally to be put in.
Shannon (her first name) ends up getting the goal back pretty quickly, but moments later Staal and Lovejoy make beautiful friendship bracelets on the ice, exchange them, and Lovejoy sinks a goal that makes our hearts melt.

WORST USE OF THE WAR ROOM
When we think of the war room, we like to think of it as the control room of a submarine under attack - all distressing noises, and men with glasses yelling at one another over screens as an alarm sounds in the background.
We really don't see it as the type of place to examine obvious puck movements because some people will get pissy if we don't do it.
No distinct kicking motion (obvs) means that Cookie gets credit for a little messy maneuver in front of the net.
Photos are sparse, so we'll call upon this little number:


THE LEAST EXTINGUISHABLE FIRE

Michalek cannot be stopped recently, and that continued this evening as he sailed one past Anderson, acting as though he were simply brushing some dust off of his shoulder. 
 
BEST JOB BY KITCHEN APPLIANCES
Zack Smith, who feels left out because we never say anything bad about him, tries to pick a fight with every unicorn themed tool we have in our homes, which turns out to be a lot.



So regal.
Anyway, our kitchen appliances are having none of that shit, for the record, and this puts us ahead for the whole half a minute before the refs slap something onto Rupp, and then shorthanded for a moment after.
WILL THE SENS PULL IT OUT IN THE FINAL MOMENTS?

What, are you kidding?
It's 5-1
PENS WIN.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS
&
THREE STARS

Anyone who needs multiple items for one single piece of food gets both honors this evening.


HOW HARD IS CORN PEOPLE
(Apparently as hard as strawberries, because there are a few products to help with those too.)

Anyway, while we sit here, marveling at how retarded people are with food that comes from the ground that we have been eating since forever, please take comfort in the fact that our team is the shit and totally useful, like a good steak knife.
And we're never losing again.
Go Pens.


 

Kim made a post yesterday evening after the game, but continuing with the "God is Dead" theme of this season, it was probably eaten by something very evil and very hungry.
We are currently in pursuit of the beast and will take the post, whole and undigested, out of its churning stomach.

ALSO:

SID IS FUCKING SKATING
YOU'RE WELCOME
GO PENS.

Edit:
This is Kim. Joomla is for some reason not allowing me to post. Also, my phone is dead and my cell phone charger is about 6 hours away from me, so Zoe probably thinks I'm dead. I am alive, however, and trying to figure out my computer issues. 
ILU
Never losing again. 

For obvious reasons, I don't really want to give you an in depth recap on this one.

Our 200th consecutive sold out game went something like this:



Yeah. Not so good.

This was a horribly frustrating game to watch. Everytime we got a chance in the offensive zone, the Habs had it off the glass and out. Everytime they got the puck on their sticks it was dumped deep and we spent the rest of our lives trying to get it out.

I think life just ended for the two Pens fans bottom right in the yellow gold jerseys.



I never knew giving up the first goal of an early March game to be quite so devastating.


After the Habs 3rd unanswered goal, Fleury willingly exited the net. Note he was not chased. Fleury doesn't get chased out of fucking no where. All parties simply agreed that the best thing was for MAF and his beloved posts to part ways until tomorrow.
I'm not blaming MAF for this one in anyway. The guys were flat all game and there's only so much a goalie can do for you in a situation like that.
Brent Johnson steps in for the last 30 something minutes to keep the score less embarassing than it could have been.

3-0 Habs

Pens lose.

Alt Stars
1
 
Was not actually captured on film in this game, despite being much more than a pretty face.

2 and 3


FYI I have nicknamed Lovejoy/Engelland Loveland. I'm writing Bylsma to make sure that they are always paired together.


In case you want to have a pity party, here's a stat to add some flavour to the punch: 265 man games lost. That's one fuck of a lot. However, instead of a pity party, I suggest getting PISSED and breaking shit. Breaking shit always makes me feel better.

Oilers tomorrow at 3.
NEVER LOSING AGAIN