How perfect can a man be?
He can have the charm of Bear Grylls.
He can have the upper body strength of Robert Irvine.
He could even love America as much as Ron Swanson.
But no man can do what James Neal does to us these days. Really. We're kind of thirteen, and he's kind of Edward Cullen.
Sometimes we do things we aren't proud of.
OUTFIT THAT MADE YOU FEEL MOST ANTI-AMERICAN FOR HATING
We here at PH respect veterans and their families.
We love America and anyone who would want to risk their lives protecting it, because we know that the "American" military is just the government's way of making sure Pittsburgh is protected while not offending any of the much less important places (all of them but Pittsburgh.)
But come onnnnn.
We're FC trash at our core, and we still think there's a better way to express pride than cammo.
Really bad cammo, at that.
At least it was over fast.
This award goes to you, sitting at home, watching the first half of the first period.
The action on the ice is really divine. Malkin is being a god, James Neal is being a James Neal.
Brooksy is having fun.
Everyone is getting into the spirit.
Unfortunately it's all foreplay with no payoff.
We find ourselves still looking for a money shot late into the period.
MOST MISDIRECTED MONEY SHOT
If you were hoping for a money shot, however, your faith was misplaced, as Nystrom slips one into our net.
We've never seen such a failed attempt to turn us on since we spied the "Forced to Lactate" series in a nearby...
The series peters out around the 10th film (seriously) but the covers have really never stopped calling our faith in humanity into question.
If you have the stomach for it and the time to clear your browser history, check out this cover art for the fourth installment.
Almost exactly what this goal looked like to us.
MOST CONFUSING SECOND
If you are like us and don't really think in complete thoughts and only listen to buzz words so that you can focus more on the measurment of whiskey going into your coffee, you may have momentarily thought OH NOES when you heard that GoGo Boots is out of the game with an upper body injury during the first half of the second period.
It passes like a bolt of lightning.
"Oh sh-oh wait, hasn't he been gone for like, years?"
Not that we'd ever want to see someone get hurt, especially if they helped the Guins in a time of need.
But sir, something about your outfit is a little less...
We feel some relief when we remember. And then we feel a little guilty.
We can live with that.
MOMENT YOU THANKED YOUR LUCKY STARS
The refs wave off a Kunitz goal and you're starting to think that 11-11-11 may just be the worst day yet, when Neal lets a one timer loose and saves your day and the spirits of all.
We never doubted you sir, not once.
THE EVEN WORSE CASE OF BLUE BALLS
Kunitz gets a goal waved off once again by the refs at the beginning of the third and a conspiracy is in the air.
You think that maybe the president is involved. Or maybe the vice president. Or former vice president. Or at least someone who plays the president on television is really invested in making Kunitz fail tonight.
Then, he finally gets out of it and gets the puck on his stick before sailing it into the net. Curse lifted.
BUT OH WAIT
It touched someone else's stick?
Black magic, possibly.
Neal ends up with the point and you wonder, briefly, if he sold his soul to the devil.
And then you remember how handsome he is.
Definitely sold his soul to the devil.
And we love him all the more for it.
MOST UNEXPECTED CHERRY ON TOP
Mattie Cooke nails up the coffin with a penalty shot.
No, I didn't have a stroke.
This alone makes this night golden.
God bless America.
We know we've never been Sid fangirls, but really, we're willing to admit we'd saw off our own limbs to get him back.
We just wanted to give him an award.
It's been too long.
ALT THREE STARS
3. Lyle Lovett
We're at the top of the NHL, bitches.
And we don't intent to move.
How perfect can a man be?
Getting to watch the Project Bundle Up video is basically Christmas. Probably because we have ovaries. Also because we are not joyless trolls who hate children. So here is a recap of this year's Project Bundle Up. The kids don't even need those coats yet, but they will. Oh they will.
0:30: A lady explains to the kids what they are going to get. "Probably a nice hat" is one of the items on the list. Just probably nice.
0:41: Epic Pascal Dupuis mustache depiction. Then Niskanen is dressing behind the scenes in a batman-esque moment.
1:00: Sidney Crosby adamant about gloves for a child.
1:07: Girl questions Matt Cooke's choice of a lime green winter coat. She ain't digging the green no more. His "what" is on point. He accuses her of being picky.
1:14: "Is good or big? Good? Try left." Geno should totally do employee training at Payless. ALWAYS TRY ON BOTH SHOES, GUYS.
1:21: Brooks Orpik looking extremely thoughtful.
1:25: Kris Letang puts a red hood on a complacent child. We don't think this is a ritual.
1:30 Steve Sullivan is interviewed. "A lot of good stuff," he says.
A very short project bundle up compared to others of years past.
However, we believe that Geno's presence saves this moment implicitly.
It feels like it's been forever since the Pens played a game. This is compounded by their last two games being out west and thus super, super late at night. I managed to stay up for the San Jose game, but that one in LA just kicked my ass.
I am also finding it difficult to maintain enthusiasm when the news of the day consists of "OMG THE PENGUINS ARE GOING TO NEMACOLIN FOR TEAM BUILDING EXERCISES."
I am also thoroughly over the Sidney Crosby hype. Don't get me wrong, I love watching Sid play hockey. But seriously, do I need to be updated every single day on what's going on with him from every single media source? He'll come back when he comes back. And it's probably going to be sometime soon. SHUT UP ABOUT IT.
Shit, this is starting to turn into Angry Tuesday. Time to think of happier things.
Hockey 101 with @BizNasty2point0 makes me smile.
Kris Letang clocking an average of 27:01 in ice time this season makes me smile.
I hope this portends future excellence
After Dallas and Carolina this weekend, we're playing Colorado. Seeing a matchup of my current favorite team and my previous favorite team always puts a smile on my face. Plus, you know, the Avs play like girls.
Hat tip to Puck Daddy for that graphic
Mostly, though, I'm happy it's Movember. I'm happy that I only have to wait a few days for more hockey, instead of a few months. The air is crisp and clear and soon it will be Thanksgiving, which is one of my favorite holidays.
Having never been to Los Angeles, I really can't tell you how the Kings fit into their collective psyche. Suffice it to say, said collective psyche is probably getting Mike Richards Disease from a case of prolonged exposure. Also: people are dicks.
But we brought justice to the west coast. We rode into battle. It wasn't pretty at all. It was actually kind of ugly. But, as everyone is saying: wouldn't this be an amazing Stanley Cup Final.
We would be shitting our pants several times daily before Game 3. What are you even talking about.
Bob Errey claims the Kings are doing a "lot of woodwork" when they take like nine penalties. Including Rob Scuderi, who put a puck over the glass all by himself, causing the Kings to take some big-time timeout and act like they were calming things down. It was actually insane. All kinds of slashing and poking. But apparently not enough to make a birdhouse or a clock.
The Pens obviously fail to score on the 5 on 3, because that's just what they do. The 5 on 3 actually goes on for something like three frigging minutes (but we could be exaggerating)? Anyway, Letang did some patient play and got the puck to Sullivan after getting eveyone turned around, on their knees, looking the other way. JQuick was powerless.
It's Sullivan's first as a Penguin. He means business. The goal itself means business. There will be no A's in shop class forthcoming.
James Neal's facial hair threatens to steal the spotlight from Sullivan's understated joy. Hint: unsuccessful.
MOMENT YOU STARTED LOOKING OVER YOUR SHOULDER
Early in the 2nd Kris Letang got attacked by Dustin Brown, decided he'd had enough of Brown's face, and had an angersplosion in his face. It was a penalty. Immediately thereafter, the Pens got "too many men" so it was the Kings' turn to be embarrassing. It didn't quite happen for them, though, until later. There was an awkward moment where Chris Kunitz's head was in a guy's crotch. Kunitz was just everywhere tonight.
Vitale continues to work his balls off ans Sullivan never leaves the ice. Something is up.
Robert Bortuzzo, who was pretty gosh darn solid for his first ever NHL game (i.e. he did a couple of little things and went otherwise unnoticed) got called for a rough. We missed the replay so we're not experts.
Anyway, it was a Thing, and we're pretty sure Richards acted like he was dying for funsies. We see a Mike Comrie highlight reel of a single empty net goal. Yep, shit's getting weird. [at this point in the recap, I fell asleep while typing and started saying something about how we "didn't have the keys." There was also a picture of an extinct tortoise species open on my computer. So I went to bed. Sorry. Recap continues in real English sentences now.]
We get a very intense moment of Brent Johnson, a beacon of hope.
Most Important Man Award
Pens commit some turnover in the neutral zone and Anze Kopitar chugs on in like an unmanned, highly intelligent Train of Doom.
Makes it look easy. Oh god, he is a robot of flesh.
Shoulders: you have been looked over.
Fleury responds to the goal by making nine million saves on the doorstep. Fuck you.
MOMENT YOU CHECKED YOUR HANDS FOR UNREMEMBERED BLOOD
The third period didn't get off to a great start.
Everyone bailing everyone else out.
Finally, Stoll does something stupid and slashes someone. Pens PP takes the ice, but Mike Richards is all over that shit. He gets a breakaway chance, and Kris Letang makes the play he's been making for years. You know, as Steiggy and Errey say, STICK ON PUCK JGFLKSDJFJLDS. But no. It was instead a penalty shot. Luckily Mike Richards is an idiot who crumbles under expectations.
Can't find any pics of Richards failing. Some speculation was had as to whether or not Fleury made an unbelievable save with the shaft of his stick--as it appeared on the slow-mo replay--but Fleury was adamant in postgame that Richards didn't give him anything.
The Pens power play resumes and Malkin immediately fans on a golden opportunity.
If the person next to you is missing at this point, you may have killed them and hidden the body without realizing it.
A GIFT AND A CURSE
Something goes on along the boards which leaves every King open ever, and they score on a delayed penalty. Gagne. Really.
Of course it was going to be Gagne.
2-1 and there are like six minutes left. You don't want to hope, because Quick is good, and Kopitar is always lurking with mechanical intensity.
Kings are shortly thereafter under the impression that they got another goal, but it was a high stick. Yeah, lol.
Could it be? No. . .certainly not. Could battling from behind still be in our blood?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FUCK YOU
Pens come back swarming. Picard throws the puck up ice for an actual rush. Kunitz and Staal go to work kicking ass down low, and Kunitz comes out from behind the net. Quick could just come over and save that in spectacular fashion. Or he could not quite get there. There are bodies everywhere so it's hard to see the puck go in from TV. But Steiggy knows. And so does Chris Kunitz. This isn't even a real award, it's just fact. FUCK YOU.
Kings do some shit to James Neal in the neutral zone after the goal, causing Brooks Orpik to probably threaten the officials' families. Adams and Vitale work their testicles off in the corners. With 30 seconds left, Kris Letang almost wins it in regulation but hits a post. Good god.
WEIRDEST FIVE MINUTES
Overtime was just awkward.
Errey says he gets the feeling it is going to shootout which is such a jinx move, but we still love you Bobby.
Fleury makes a million saves in general and Sullivan is blindsided by Stoll in a startling sequence.
Richards gets a chance with 10 seconds left when, purportedly, the referees intentionally don't call a trip. Could have been the game right there. But it wasn't. We live.
MOST VALUABLE PLAYERS
When the shootout hits, it goes something like this:
Stoll shoots it wide, because he deserves nothing in life.
Malkin is stopped by Quick hardcore.
Kopitar comes in, in all of his fleshbot glory, and opens up Fleury's five hole like a package of Tostitos. This guy is something else. Only member of the Kings really threatening us at all.
Letang scores, faked Quick out so hard he didn't know what day it was.
Dustin Brown is thwarted by Fleury's badassery.
James neal equally thwarted, his facial hair not resplendent enough to beat Quick.
Fleury continues the FUCK YOU to Simon Gagne.
But Chris Kunitz. Oh Chris Kunitz.
There goes the neighborhood.
WE ARE BURNING IT DOWN.
INDIVIDUAL AWARD: DIDN'T FUCK UP AT THINGS
No hugely flagrant mistakes in your first NHL game and more or less playing with confidence. Thanks, Robert Bortuzzo. We needed you.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
Kings gave the first star to Kopitar because they don't care about Truth. Kunitz was not even a star. So. Bitter much?
1. Chris Kunitz
2. Marc-Andre fucking Fleury
Saving with his eyes closed.
Eternally watching over us and protecting us from Anze.
Getty Images, you made this way too easy.
We have a game against the Kings at 10:30PM, which could be potentially deadly.
We thought we'd get some grievances into the open case we die of frustration.
Example: the Pens injury report versus the Kings injury report via Empty Netters:
Injuries: For the Penguins, defensemen Kris Letang (undisclosed), Matt Niskanen (undisclosed) and center Jordan Staal ("lower-body") are questionable. Centers Sidney Crosby (concussion), Tyler Kennedy (concussion), defensemen Ben Lovejoy (left wrist), Zbynek Michalek (finger) and Brian Strait (elbow) are on injured reserve. For the Kings, center Colin Fraser (ankle) is on injured reserve.
Well fuck that shit with a 10-foot pole.
Anyway. I guess that's one thing to be angry about out of the way.
Did you also know that there are people who charge $5 for pieces of cardboard to avoid getting mascara on your eyelid becuase you suck at putting on mascara and need a lot of help?
Not the most advisable purchase.
What else can we possibly discuss?
For my own part, my boyfriend and I were both going to work this morning in downtown Boston, and on my way back from brushing my teeth I heard him say indignantly to Siri on his new iPhone: "ADD TWEEZERS TO SHOPPING LIST."
Because writing things down is generally too hard for most of the general population. It's okay, Siri. We forgive you.
No, no you are not glamorous, not at all. Not tonight.
You see, things were so good.
But, if you've watched the Pens for the last couple of years, and if you're familiar with the Sharks, you knew it could only get bad somehow. It didn't get bad quickly, as it often does, but it was a slow build to Bad that left slivers of hope in the deepest recesses of a rumkugel.
Patrick Marleau's fantasies persisted. You know in this moment he's wearing a gray merino wool sweater next to the Christmas tree and saluting a kitten. It is very akin to Tyler Kennedy's pony goal celebrations.
In the same moment that things became possible, they became less likely.
The Sharks executed "play one terrible period, then act like that never happened and make everyone in Pittsburgh shit their pants" with gusto and perfection.
We knew the death shot was coming when Malkin got stuck in some chocolate on the way to Greiss. Here is said death shot from Ryane Clowe:
Fleury and Greiss were the story of the game. Greiss came up tall in the end. It happens.
More or less.
Alternative three stars can all be found in aspects of Deryk Engelland's face:
Here at PH, we are going to celebrate a number of things in the days leading up to the Pens game.
Joe Vitale is November mustache boy, which will look sexy at our pre-Thanksgiving trip to Olive Garden for breadsticks and chicken alfredo.
Crosby is taking Engelland hits in practice, and looks as relaxed and happy as we've ever seen him:
Andy Sutton was recently suspended for doing something stupid--or should we say Shanahammered.
Anyway, in honor of these glorious occasions, and of the strange, cold temperatures, and of the Pens' second westward trip of the season (THANKS NHL), we're going to share some soup recipes with you.
The Caps also just won in OT, so we need to distract ourselves from their march up to Winnipeg to grab the November Stanley Cup.
My hockey-loving mom used to make this when my sisters and I were growing up. It's best when served with corn muffins or cornbread. This recipe is presented exactly as she sent to me.
|2½||lb bone-in chicken (white, dark or combination)|
|about 4-5 quarts of water|
|3-4||stalks of celery|
|1||medium onion, peeled and chopped|
|2||large red potatoes, peeled and chopped in bite-size pieces|
|⅛||or less t. oregano|
|⅛||t. dried basil|
|⅛||t. dried thyme|
|2||t. dried parsley or 1 T. fresh minced parsley|
|1||15-oz can of tomatoes, mashed or pureed|
|1||box frozen lima beans (baby limas are best)|
|1 to 1½||cups frozen corn|
Simmer chicken (white, dark or combination) in water for about 1 to 1-½ hours until tender and done. Drain broth and allow to cool to solidify most of fat. Allow chicken to cool slightly, then remove skin and bones and cut up chicken into bite-size pieces.
As chicken is cooling, cut up celery, carrots, and onion. Also peel and cut up potatoes and put under water in a separate bowl until ready to use.
Combine seasonings and set aside. Saute the chopped celery and carrots in a small amount of margarine or oil in a 4-qt. Dutch oven until celery seems tender. Puree tomatoes in a blender (or mash them well by hand) and add to Dutch oven.
Add the broth, minus the fat, and bring mixture to a boil. Add seasonings at any time, and adjust them if necessary. Also add lima beans (“baby limas” are best) and corn. Once the mixture boils, remove about 2 cups broth (if you want to serve potatoes in the stew), drain the raw potatoes and cook the potatoes in the broth. Watch the potatoes as they cook and add water if broth gets too thick and potatoes might burn. Add the chicken to the rest of the broth and simmer for about another 15 minutes. Add the cooked potatoes to the stew if you don’t plan to freeze the remains, or serve the potatoes on the side.
I haven't actually made this yet, but it looks fucking delicious and involves lamb and dark beer, which are two of the best things to ever grace the human mouth.
1/4 cup olive oil
2 1/2 lbs lamb (mix of shoulder and shanks)
1 yellow onion (diced)
6 cloves garlic (chopped)
1 large can of whole tomatoes (drained and mashed)
1 tbls chipotle puree or powder
1 tbls ancho chili powder (or mexican chili powder)
1 tbls pasilla chili powder (or cayenne)
1 tbls cumin
2 tsp ground coriander
1 tbls mexican oregano (or regular oregano)
2 cups chicken stock
3/4 bottle of shiner bock (or any other dark beer but preferably a bock)
1-2 tbls honey
2 cups black beans
Garnish: red onions, cheddar cheese, cilantro, sour creme.
Method: heat oil, add lamb, salt and pepper, sear, remove lamb with slotted spoon.
Add onion, cook till soft, add garlic for one minute, add tomato, chipotle, and other spices. Return lamb, add stock and beer, cover and simmer at low heat for at least 1.5 hours. Add honey at 30 minutes left. During last 15 minutes, add cinnamon, beans, and salt and pepper to taste.
Recipe from here.
And I'm making it like, within the month, because I need it in my face.
PH DomesticBlog: you dig?
The NHL seems to be in a perpetual state of "what the fuck, do we care?" this season; making soup is an effective way to distract oneself from the Problem.
Also: taking suggestions on what each of the Penguins would be if they were a soup or stew.
We can't even keep up with the Internet anymore. If you're on Twitter and Tumblr all day, you probably know everything. It basically satisfies as an Emergency Alert System.
The things you all saw over the weekend:
We can try as hard as we can to have original commentary about this, but there really isn't anything to say. Apparently making $8.7 million dollars a year doesn't change the fact that looking like an asshole who had to scrape mold off of his costume after rescuing it from the bargain bin at Wal-Mart or the back of St. Vincent de Paul = the best way to spend Halloween.
also: here's Kris Letang holding some dog.
And Evgeni with some puppies. You're welcome.
In other news, the League schedule is finally giving the Pens some days off. No one in the NHL had played nearly as many games as they have as of yesterday. Which is kind of bullshit, but whatever. Here's to using this time to. . .extend the Caps losing streak?
If the big-time division realignment happens and we have to re-learn hockey again, we'll probably just try to fill all the extra information in with pictures of puppies in our brains.
Having different numbers of teams in different divisions is irritating.
It's fucking cold outside in America, in case you hadn't noticed.
More stuff coming up this week as we await the next Pens game. If we make it that far.
LATE EDIT: BENJAMIN LOVEJOY IS: THE MAN IN THE YELLOW HAT:
Bananas are evil but we'll let it slide.
Phil Kessel is the antichrist.
Or sold his soul to the devil.
Or something equally as terrible that would cause a person to take happiness and joy away from James Neal, possibly the only person on this earth to deserve happiness in the first place.
Other than overcoming Mr. Neal in the scoring race, his hobbies include things like kitten molestation and Ending All Things Good.
Maple Leafs, this is the last time that you cross us and come out on top.
Don't turn your back on us.
MOST SURPRISINGLY NORMAL BEGINNING TO A GAME
With the Leafs, and with Hockey Night in Canada, you go into things expecting glamour and showmanship and downright tomfoolery from our neighbors to the north.
Someone is going to make a fool of himself, act over entitled, and make outrageous claims - and these don't always just come from Mr. Cherry.
But no, this game started out like a game we were playing with a real team.
We exchange some penalties, we let them get some odd man rushes, Malkin and James Neal make some magic happen - it's a normal hockey night. Oddly enough.
MOST UNEXPECTED CONSEQUENCE
Of course, being able to watch a respectable hockey game in which the Leafs are playing doesn't come without a price. They could score, in theory.
Mikhail Grabovski redirects a Phaneuf-er and Brent Johnson can't do too much about it.
To make up for it, Steve Sullivan does some neat things that make us feel warm and fuzzy on the inside. Paul Martin has a moment of sexiness that makes us ladies feel faint. The period still ends with us wanting something more.
SECOND MOST UNEXPECTED CONSEQUENCE
The second period starts kinda slow.
While Penguins hockey is undoubtedly the most exciting hockey, there are lulls, and the first five minutes is one of those lulls. We use the opportunity to catch our breath and overcome the sometimes overwhelming honor of being a Penguins fan.
While we're relaxing, so is Gustavsson. It is not the most common of things for us to say "watch out when Matt Cooke is near your net!" but once again, this is one of those times.
Never turn an eye on Mattie Cooke.
SHORTEST LIVED HAPPINESS
A mere minute later, Tim Connolly takes it all away from us.
A Malkin-hooking gets the Leafs a PP goal and the advantage once again.
It's starting to feel like maybe you should have made that deal with the Devil.
You would have if you loved the Penguins more.
MOST BREAKING-EST NEWS
If you hadn't heard fifteen times, Mister Mats sometimes ventures out of his home and into the community. It always causes a ruckus.
Smile, Mats. You are being watched.
The Pens tie it up once again when Malkin waits Grabovski out and gets in a shot that rebounds directly into the sweet care of Kunitz, who holds it gently by the hand and walks it home.
That photo is something special.
BIGGEST MEDIA BONER
At the beginning of the third period, MacArthur grabs a puck and puts it into the Penguins net, making it 3-2 for the Leafs. The media doesn't care. They have come down with a disease that is common in Pittsburgh and clearly now spreading to other parts of the world -
The overwhelming urge to photograph James Neal seems to come before documenting many actual game events to photographers. And rightfully so. Why take a picture of some Leafs jobber scoring when you can catch James Neal doing anything.
He's like a kitten. It's kind of cute when he sneezes, blinks, and sighs.
We don't want to miss anything that could potentially go viral so we can never look away. Imagine if the people filming "Sneezing Panda" had let MacArthur get in the way.
Luckily, when everyone is distracted by James yawning, Malkin puts a hole in the back of Gustavsson's throat net. Once again, it's tied up.
Can we get a Neal photo to celebrate?
WORST WAY TO END AN EVENING
Kessel, unfortunately, is not aware of the New Son of the NHL and the sort of honors he deserves due to that title. When no one is looking, he puts a puck behind poor, poor Johnny, giving him his 10th goal and the advantage over James Neal in the goals race .
It'll be coming back this way in no time.
Unfortunately, however, this little pull-ahead was the last action a net saw during the game, closing it out at 4-3. Our final rush was impressive, but no dice.
It's the last game we'll ever lose.
BEST WORST NAME
ALT THREE STARS
Every once in awhile we just feel the need to thank him for being on our team.
2. James Neal
For giving us that endless entertainment and pride new parents feel for their children
5 points in 6 games. Closing in on 100.
Get it done.
Sometimes you play a good game of hockey and in the end you still lose to the Maple Leafs. It's embarrassing but it's just what happens.
So, of course, we're never going to lose again.
Sounds good to me.
In the absence of a recap for last night's game, I bring to you once again: ANGRY FRIDAY
Things pissing me off this week include:
1) Dental work
I had to get another crown on my teeth this week. This is because I apparently cracked one of my molars. On what, I can't possibly imagine.
These new adventures in dentistry come on the heels of my adventures last year, which included dental appointments approximately every three weeks for an entire year. And a root canal, which was better than a sharp stick in the eye, BUT NOT BY MUCH. And then I developed a little ball of scar tissue at the root of my tooth and needed an apicoectomy.
(Don't Google that. You'll just get depressed and grossed out.)
The worst part is that the husband hates my dentist and thinks she's just trying to make me have unnecessary and painful dental work. He doesn't understand how truly, truly terrible my teeth are. They are BAD, my friends.
I even have to brush with special prescription toothpaste.
If you learn nothing else from our blog today, friends, learn this: BRUSH AND FLOSS YOUR TEETH.
Bicyclists piss me off constantly. For one, I hate riding a bike. I crashed my bike super bad when I was younger, and so now I'm scared to ride a bike down hills, and SHUT UP I KNOW I AM A WEENIE I HATE BIKES.
I also hate when I'm walking on the sidewalk and a guy on a bike rides past me super close.
And I hate driving on a narrow Pittsburgh street and trying not to run over a guy riding a bike in the road.
And I especially hate how people on bikes aren't quite pedestrians and aren't quite vehicles, so they follow the rules of either whenever it suits them. If you're a vehicle, you should stop at red lights. If you're a pedestrian, you don't get to ride in the street.
Oddly enough, when I was in Copenhagen, where there is a tremendous population of bike riders, the bikes didn't piss me off. You know why? Because they not only have dedicated bike lanes, they have BIKE TRAFFIC LIGHTS. What a great idea!
However, that definitely doesn't happen in Pittsburgh.
FUCK YOU, OBNOXIOUS BIKE PEOPLE.
I CANNOT STAND YOUR PRECIOUS FIXIES
3) MAF haters
I constantly have the following argument with my husband:
Scene: The Penguins are playing. The husband and I are actually watching the game together. MAF is in net.
The opposing team scores a goal.
Me: "Balls! That SUCKS!"
Husband: "FUCK YOU FLEURY GET OUT OF THE NET YOU SUCK!!!"
Me: "Are you serious? It's one goal."
Husband: "Yeah, but that's how it STARTS!"
Friends, I grew up watching Patrick Roy in goal.
His son is a Canadian pop star. Seriously. I have his album. It is GLORIOUSLY BAD
Some days he'd just melt down completely and let in like four goals in ten shots.
Oh wait, wrong goalie
And some days he'd become a brick wall and stop everything from everywhere.
I am totally used to watching a goalie who is streakier than bacon. It doesn't bug me.
The husband, in contrast, grew up watching Tom Barrasso beat the crap out of opposing goalies on a regular basis. I'm unfamiliar with Barrasso's work, but I get the impression that he was a good, solid, reasonable goalie. Not spectacular, but not terrible, either.
As a result, the husband wants a goalie who is dependable and boring.
And it's possible that everyone else in Pittsburgh wants the same thing, which is why you get those people who call into radio shows and howl for Fleury to be traded.
You know what, Fleury haters? Shut the fuck up. It could be so much worse.
We could have Rick DiPietro in net.