To tide you over.
The game last night was obviously awesome, but due to hilarious medical emergencies, we're not going to recap it until later today. This video should keep you happy until then.
To tide you over.
After this game was over I only had one thought:
Are they referring to Okposo's bar tab? Because it certainly didn't feel like there were 33 threats to our shut out this evening. MAF had it on lockdown, plus, well, The Isles.
The awards are no less deserved.
BEST TELEGRAM EVER RECIEVED
Sitting down in your parlor, preparing to watch the game, you are hardly prepared for the message you recieve.
GOD MAY BE ALIVE STOP. WON'T HAVE TO SELL THE FARM STOP.
TELL TIMMY HE CAN GO TO SCHOOL THIS WINTER STOP.
It may turn out to be a good day after all. Maybe God really didn't forget about us. We still need some more proof, but this doesn't hurt.
MOST MISLEADING BEGINNING
For the first half of the first period, one could get the impression that this was going to be a hard fought battle.
There are some equally promising scoring chances from both sides, including a sick little move by none other than Mister Neal. Malkin tries getting in there a little eventally, as well, making our hearts stop a little.
To see him scoring would be like warm halushki at the Polish Deli. We will wait until our number is called, thank you.
SADDEST MOMENT OF THE GAME
When you remembered this:
HAPPIEST MOMENT OF THE GAME
When you remember you didn't give a shit because we don't need anyone who isn't currently on our roster. Fools.
Brooksy and Dupes make sweet love, and this is the hard-earned money shot.
Press with the assist on such an awesome photo.
GREATEST ACT OPENER
We love Nabby and all, but we don't root against our team, ever, so when Park decides to score in the opening seconds of the second period and this photo emerges, we're still in hysterics.
What a face.
What an enormous opening in your net coverage.
Sorry Nabs. For tonight you are a fool. But get back at us tomorrow night and we'll show you how poor our net coverage is, if ya know what I'm sayin'.
This is where they ran up the numbers on us, I think.
By the end of the second, the score is still 2-0, but the Isles are allegedly leading shots 23-15.
Because the only shot we really registered for the rest of the period was the one that will haunt Kunitz in his sleep. That PINGing noise will keep him motivated well into next season, we imagine.
BEST TIME TO GET DRUNK
While we never support calling a game before the final buzzer (other than the obvious assumption that the Pens will always win, no matter what) if you are looking for a good time to get shit faced, it's in the third period of an Isles game we are winning 2-0, with no real come back possibilities in sight.
The third period was fun, what with some solid chances from the boys, but nothing looking like it Could Be The End for our victory, making it an amazing time to start rapidly tipping back your Iron City so that you can be good and disgraceful for the empty net, making it a celebratory occasion that you really need on a Tuesday night.
Staalsy for the empty.
Pens win, 3-nuthin'.
For makin' it look easy.
ALT THREE STARS
For showin' up. But seriously. Thank you for showing up.
For showin' up just enough to keep it a little interesting, but not enough that we didn't crush your spirit.
For sending me an email titled "Important video of Crosby slicing tomatos."
And with that, please have a magical evening knowing that Sid is eating a healthy amount of vegitables and metal shavings for a boy his age, and that the Pens will never lose again.
So, imagine being a New Jersey Devils fan tonight. Like an actual New Jersey Devils fan. Shit must be hard.
I mean, it could be worse. Johan Hedberg, despite being 38, is as good a backup as you can have without having Brent Johnson, and also happens to be devastatingly gorgeous. And you managed to pluck Petr Sykora from his mountain lair. However, there are lots of other problems, namely the fact that all of your players sound like characters that were written out of The Most Dangerous Game and a lot of them aren't great and you're stuffing money up Kovalchuk's ass for what, exactly? Clearly the Stanley Cup.
Being a Pens fan, conversely, is pretty good right now, despite the fact that seeing Petey in a Devils uni isn't ideal, but it's what we would have wanted for him. He needs to be on the dark side right now. It's the only way.
THAT TIME IT WENT OKAY
The Pens get a PP early after Clarkson does something.
Jordan Staal was all over that shit. It was the beginning of him taking a page out of the Brent Johnson Titanium Balls manual.
Easy as pie to start, though.
Everyone is so adorable and perfect.
WE'D BUY THAT FOR A DOLLAR
The second period was valuable only in that it included a moment of Petr Sykora (we think) unmistakably adjusting his junk while sitting on the bench. Once that wedding-ringed hand goes south, there's no stopping the music.
THE MOMENT THAT MOST CHANGED THE WORLD, APPARENTLY
Steve Sullivan took a high stick to the face from Patrik Elias, after Elias was probably pissed that he got Defended by Michalek, etc.
Petr Sykora plays guilty and goes to the box instead. No one knows why this happened, Errey and Steiggy seem to think it is some kind of Devilish (ha ha ha) trickery to ensure that Elias is able to kill the penalty. Since Petr Sykora never kills penalties. He needs that time and energy to play with his cattle prod. This time, because Sullivan's face was bloody, he gets four whole minutes.
ANYWAY, Patrik Elias got way open while Kovalchuk was playing hockey on the penalty kill and drew a bunch of Pens.
Everyone is way pissed about this, and it is really irritating, but actually somewhat embarrassing for the Pens that they couldn't just cover him. Whatever. It is a blip, a passing moment.
Because while it took until the second power play, we finally got a good setup in the offensive zone, and Kunitz fucking blistered a pass from Letang past Hedberg.
This ain't a fucking tie game anymore.
We imagine Kunitz in this pic is saying like, "yeah bitches what now."
Bob Errey took great joy at spending like an hour calling Kovalchuk the laziest person on the planet when he goes for a change while his team is defending. He gives up his man, which gives Jordan Staal a hell of a lot of room. We can personally thank Ilya for #100.
We can also thank him of Bob's reiteration of his favorite Jordan Staal nickname: The Big Pterodactyl.
Pretty much like 3 seconds later (or like. . .5 minutes later) James Neal came out of the corner. Meanwhile, the entire Devils team had driven up to Oradell, NJ to scope out coffee and bagel places and to discuss their favorite flavors of iced chai. They didn't invite Johan.
Can't find any pics of James Neal scoring these goals, btw. None.
But we knew it happened. Maybe this is part of the plan.
Staal is out afterwards for like every shift, and so is Steve Sullivan. Steve needs his first of the year and Staal needs the hatty. Neither will come, but whatever. We'll let our friend Kat on Twitter sum it up:
I mean probably not roids.
In our neighborhood, we call it "love."
CEC makes its first noises of the evening every time Staal goes for the hat trick. Hockey is apparently not exciting anymore. It was a Devils game, we'll give them that.
INDIVIDUAL AWARD: BIGGEST PIMPIN
Robbing babies of their first NHL goals like a boss.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Joe Vitale
2. Zbynek Michalek
Did everything right until some dick hurt his hand. This better not be a big deal. 6 blocked shots
3. Steve Sullivan
900 games is nothing to sneeze at.
It has always been our concern that the Devils just don't care about Johan. We wonder if they take all his red sour patch kids.
Next game is Tuesday on Long Island.
. . .Fascinating.
Well, it has been a hell of a week. If you run into me in jail this weekend, there are probably reasons why.
1. As a student of literature, as much as I enjoy Michel Houellebecq's The Elementary Particles and the hilarity that comes with middle-aged French dudes jerking off in public and their subsequent revisiting deep-seated shame and isolation, I really wish I could have a long weekend where I don't read anything but Harry Potter. And not, as many have argued, anything by George R. R. Martin. SORRY GUYS I JUST DON'T GET IT I'M SORRY PLEASE STOP HITTING ME. I also had to write a paper about a Holocaust memoir, which was really cheery. Also, let's not forget how embarrassing Daniel Radcliffe is:
And how it has a surprise early performance by Edward Cullen or some shit:
CLICK FOR FULL SIZE 800x600 WALLPAPER!!!!!
2. $49.99 for this, in this economy?!
We don't actually have a hockey thing to be mad about because Letang will be back next game and OMG BROOKS ORPIK IS BACK OMG.
by sabrinasinbin on Tumblr.
Unless you count the Ovechkin goals and stuff, really a quite flawless evening last night.
Pens play the actual New Jersey Devils on Saturday.
Tonight's recap may suck more than usual, because I have a terrible headache. Well, it's not so much a headache, as my face hurts. Probably not as much as Jay Beagle's face hurts, but it still doesn't feel great. The dog has been howling at me all day, too, which doesn't help.
Tonight marks a milestone for someone near and dear to my heart. Yes, friends, the USS Hal Gill, lately of the Pens but more lately of Montreal, is celebrating his 1,000th game tonight. Also: his wife just had a baby.
Congratulations on the newest addition to the Gill fleet
I've always liked Hal Gill. Yes, he is super slow, and sure, he occasionally did some dumb things on the ice, but he plays with a lot of heart. And that's not something you can learn. You either have it or you don't.
In case you need something mildly amusing to read, FoxSports has posted NHL Power Rankings that include Simpsons quotes for each team. I applaud the diligence of the intern who put this together.
Mike Cammalleri is returning tonight. What's the line on how many times I will misspell his name and have to go back and fix it? Whatever you set it at, I would probably pick the over.
Both Brooks Orpik and Dustin Jeffrey are back in the lineup for tonight. Isn't it nice to hear about Penguins players coming back to play, instead of getting injured or suspended?
Matt Niskanen has 21 shots on goal this season? Those are Kennedy-esque numbers.
Diaz hooks Asham while the latter is on kind of a tiny breakway, resulting in a Pens power play. There's been a lot of back-and-forth here, some good chances at each end, but not much happening. I fully expect the rest of this game to go the same way.
Hal Gill gets the puck off Kunitz and hands it over to Darche, who basically has the entire length of the ice in order to set up for a shot, but Fleury denies him. Which is awesome.
The Pens keep on bringing the thunder and Carey Price ends up in the net, with no stick, and is somehow still able to stop Joe Vitale (or anyone else) from scoring.
James Neal bangs a shot off the post, and for a second, no one knows if it's in or not...BUT IT IS!!! 1-0 Pens
Oh James Neal, both you and Phil Kessel have seven goals this year, and I can only hope that this trend continues
I don't always score goals, but when I do, I do it in October
Nothing much else happens except Carey Price keeps playing pucks from behind the net. I predict that this behavior will come back to haunt him; if not today, then soon.
Oh man, as I wrote that sentence, he knocked the net off its moorings and got a two-minute delay-of-game penalty. HA HA YOU SUCK
More shots on goal, but no scoring as the period ends.
FIRST PERIOD AWARDS
Prettiest Princess goes to the inimitable James Neal. Apparently this is what happens when you train with Gary Roberts in the offseason. You come back WITH A VENGEANCE.
What? Princesses can have vengeance.
Steve Sullivan keeps on trying to score, and failing, because Carey Price is playing balls-out.
However, Carey Price's balls fail to prevent Joe Vitale from redirecting a rebound through traffic and making scoring look super easy. 2-0 Pens
Paul Martin gets called for a cross-check, which is unfortunate, because he is apparently the nicest dude ever. My pal who works for the Penguins got paired up with him for season-ticket distribution this year, and she says he's great.
I inform the husband that the Caps and the Flyers are playing one another tonight. "Wow...two teams I can't fucking stand," he says.
Although the Paul Martin penalty expires without incident, Lovejoy gets called for holding someone's stick.
Fleury continues to stop the Canadiens from scoring and destroy their collective wills to live. He makes some epic saves even when the Canadiens players, frustrated and angry, run into him "accidentally".
Michalek takes a penalty thay the husband can't figure out, which results in more short-handed opportunities for the Pens and more profanities from the husband. He thinks the Pens are being unfairly penalized, not only in this game, but in EVERY GAME EVER.
The Pens finally go on the power play after Gionta gets called for boarding with about a minute and a half left in the period. They get set up nicely, but Carey Price continues to be strong.
SECOND PERIOD AWARDS
Best Goalie goes to Fleury, for standing strong and continuing to not let any pucks in the net. And for being contrary to haters.
Haters gonna hate
The third period commences with the very tail end of the Gionta penalty, but it's not enough time for anything to get set up.
Everything's happening in Montreal's end, but at the same time, Carey Price is making every single save.
Except when Arron Asham knocks the puck out of mid-air. Although it's called a goal on the ice, the bigwigs in Toronto need to review the footage to make sure it's a good goal.
I forgot to mention earlier that not only is it Gill's 1,000th game, it's Asham's 700th game. Which is also awesome!
"After video replay, the decision on the ice stands. GOOD GOAL!"
I feel like we've comfortably settled into Grind Mode. Not that I'm going to stop paying attention or anything, but still.
This phrase will NEVER GET OLD
In the absence of new things to say about Montreal failing to accomplish anything yet, I will say this: ROOT Sports's camera angles SUCK MY BALLS. I am sick of missing faceoffs and watching power plays from behind the opposing team's net. What's wrong with the normal angles?
I flip over to check out the Caps/Flyers game real quick and see a replay of Ovechkin scoring off of a bad MaxTal turnover, WHY AM I NOT SURPRISED
Michalek takes a ridiculous penalty but it doesn't even matter until he comes storming out of the box and grabs the puck to shoot it at Carey Price. Even though he doesn't score, the Canadiens look defeated and sad.
In the very last minute and a half, the Canadiens manage to win a faceoff and Gionta slaps it in from the point. 3-1 Pens
I was really hoping Fleury would pitch a shutout, mostly because he's the goalie on my fantasy team, but we are none of us perfect.
Carey Price heads off to the bench with one minute remaining. However, the Canadiens fail to score AT ALL. WOOOOOO
THIRD PERIOD AWARDS
Most Asses Kicked goes to Deryk Engelland, who had the first two-point game of his career. Good for you, Engo!
Up next: New Jersey. SNORRRRRRRRE
Recap is totally fake tonight because I am having a college emergency.
Which is slightly akin to a real-life emergency, but mostly, you know, only matters to teenagers and people with annoying, overachiever priorities, like sleep and deadlines.
Anyway, we thought we'd quiz you on a few things from tonight's game.
1. What are Brent Johnson's balls made of?
A: Titanium coated in steel, with a tungsten core, with the entire outfit armored in blood-soaked mithril.
2. What is James Neal, not just tonight, but as a rule?
A: The prettiest prettiest princess. And he didn't get the black ring. Not once.
3. Where is Paul Martin from?
A: Word on the street is Minnesota, but we'd bet money on Krypton.
4. How much jizz did the Penguins fanbase collectively release when Pascal Dupuis scored on a breakaway?
A: At least a metric fuckton. (Not to be confused with the metric shitton.)
Calling the American Red Cross to dig some people out of the mountains of jizz.
5. How inappropriate was Cal tonight?
A: As inappropriate as that fucking mustache.
6. Who is the best?
A: We are still the best.
Cal is Not the best.
. . .We. . .finally beat Minnesota.
And Niklas Backstrom.
And Chris Kunitz and Jordan Staal became the Silent Warriors.
And the nation was won back from its oppresors.
Did you ace your history quiz?
Kris Letang suspended 2 games for going to hit a guy while he was sort of falling down and turning. This was not a head-targeting hit, or even a head-incidental hit. Here is Shanahan's explanation, which we haven't watched with the sound on:
In other news, it's entirely possible that the entire team of Pittsburgh has had a blood transfusion with Sean Avery and bone marrow transplants with Rick DiPietro. INTERPRET THAT AS YOU WILL.
minnesota wild city.
contrary to popular belief, Wild was already a noun, so shhh.
Today's post title contains a hat tip to whoever picked that team name for the Thursday night Rinkotology game. YOU ARE GREAT
What more can be said about Winnipeg? I don't even have any witty observations about the town. Or the team. Or poor Tyler Kennedy, on the sidelines with concussion-like symptoms. I hope he gets better soon. Him and Geno both.
Come back TK, some of us miss you
Also: honorable mention to the fine people making James Neal GIFs.
I hope you keep scoring goals so people keep making these
According to Dan Potash, Arron Asham is the man of the hour in cold, blustery Winnipeg.
Winnipeg also has not yet won a game this season, prompting this Onion article: Citizens of Winnipeg Realize They Hate Hockey Now
Evander Kane is also out. And with Sid and Geno out too, this game is probably not going to be a blowout or anything.
Holy balls, Richard Park is the #1 center tonight. No commentary; just BALLS.
If you blinked, you missed the first goal of the game, which Winnipeg commenced scoring in EIGHT SECONDS. I don't think I've ever personally seen anyone score that quickly. And I have been to frat parties on Halloween. 1-0 Jets
The crowd commences taunting Fleury, but that is not something that I recommend. Fleury is like the Penguins' Happy Fun Ball. And if we've learned nothing else from TV, it's that you do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.
We decide that it's Beer O'Clock at the first commercial break. The husband's best friend, who comes over for dinner a lot, likes to bring us beer in exchange for hosting him. So now we have half a case of Sam Adam's Harvest Pumpkin Ale.
Blake Wheeler takes a penalty for interference, but I wonder how the power play's going to work without Malkin or TK. I thinkthe answer is "basically terrible." I have flashbacks to the entire last half of the previous season. James Neal is lovely, but he can't do everything by himself. Nor should anyone expect him to.
The power play is awful, as one would expect. James Neal is playing like he's on fire, but he seems to be the only one.
Deryk Engelland takes...a SKATE to the FACE? WHAAAAAA
He and Thorburn have a little scrap about it. GO ENGO
The Pens begin to turn things around, although Kunitz pulls his best TK impression and takes a good shot that hits the post.
Letang makes a lovely, lovely shot, which is indicative of the Pens clawing and biting their way back into this game.
Burmistrov refuses to give up on the puck and passes to Tanner Glass, who shoots through traffic and scores on Fleury. Sigh. 2-0 Jets
DICKS, ET CETERA
As the period ends, I am reminded that it could be a lot worse.
FIRST PERIOD AWARDS
Fattest Jet goes to Dustin Byfuglien. If he were any fatter, he would be a 747.
Most Heart goes to James Neal. I hope that he's not the only one on the Pens who looks like he's actually playing hockey during the rest of the game.
Hainsey goes off for tripping, creating an opportunity for the power play to...do whatever it is they think they're doing. Which mostly seems to mean not finishing anything they start.
The husband is off watching this game in a bar with his pals. I can only imagine how angry they must be, right now.
The crowd is about as rowdy as a crowd is allowed to be in Canada. The Pens are playing as hard as they can, but they just can't get anything done.
Fleury makes a pretty good save and smacks the net off its moorings, much to the chagrin of the refs and the crowd.
"Suck my dick Kyle Wellwood" - Zoë
I'm about to call shenanigans on this game and go and get my broom, I am totally serious.
Park gets called for hooking and honestly, I'm not really that worried. Of course, I say that now and I may be very sorry shortly.
No one knows if Byfuglien is a forward or a defenseman, because he is so fat at everything.
James Neal gets a penalty for slashing (???????) and Root shows a close-up of him going to the box, yelling a lot of unintelligible curse words. I like to imagine that "Fuckstain" is among them.
However, nothing much happens on that power play for Winnipeg. I drink my beer and seethe with rage that the Pens aren't doing better than they are.
Park and Sullivan set up a lovely, lovely play, but for some reason, Pavelec is everywhere. Ondrej Pavelec is hockey Visa right now - he's everywhere that the Pens want to be.
All of a sudden, Michalek blasts one past Pavelec and almost, ALMOST redeems himself for messing up at the beginning of the game. 2-1 Jets
Sullivan takes a hooking penalty to end the period. I'm exhausted. I need another beer.
SECOND PERIOD AWARDS
Worst Burger Name goes to Dave's Hot 'n' Juicy. I mean, I'm sure the burger is really good, and it's nice that it's named after Dave Thomas, but COME ON PEOPLE. It just sounds SO WRONG.
Personal Redemption goes to Zbynek Michalek. Someone had to score the first Pens goal of the game, and I'm super glad it was him.
Also: Best Pie goes to me, because I made a butternut squash pumpkin-style pie with a brown butter gingersnap crust over the weekend, and it is really, really good. Better than pumpkin pie, quite honestly.
The third period commences with the remainder of that Steve Sullivan penalty. Fortunately, the Jets fail to get set up properly, and the penalty expires again with NOTHING HAPPENING.
Bogosian rings one off the goalpost that just sounds painful. I swear I heard that crack from here.
I feel like this whole game has been simultaneously rage-inducing and very, very boring. Maybe that makes me an inferior hockey fan, I don't know.
Sullivan attempts to lift the puck past Pavelec, but fails to do so, resulting in much wailing and gnashing of teeth.
Zoë has officially broken up with Pavelec at this point. He is dead to her, along with the whole city of Winnipeg.
Stuart gets smacked right in the face with a slapshot from Niskanen, but he doesn't seem to be seriously injured, which is good. Much as we may hate on Winnipeg and their extreme fatness, we don't want anyone to get hurt.
Fleury continues to come up huge. Let's hope this trend continues. It's holding so far, even as Kris Letang has to bat the third rebound-shot out of the air right in front of the goal.
Letang hammers Burmistrov into the boards and gets a boarding penalty, about which the fans are angry, because they think it's an OMG EVIL HEADSHOT. It's not, jerkwads.
Steiggy accidentally calls the Jets the Thrashers. We suspect it's because he's angry and discombobulated like us.
Thorburn hooks Kunitz and finally, someone from Winnipeg gets called for something. It causes an angry, tubby pileup with many rage-filled exchanges.
This is important to keep in mind
After the shoving is resolved, the Pens end up on the power play. Unfortunately, it ends up forcing MAF have to make an excellent save.
Disco Dan pulls MAF with a minute left, and the Winnipeg fans LOSE THEIR GODDAMN MINDS. Steiggy and Errey are forced to yell to be heard.
Dupuis plays goalie for the final five seconds to make sure the puck doesn't go in, but...the Pens totally fail to score, and the game is OVER.
THIRD PERIOD AWARDS
Honorary Goalie goes to Pascal Dupuis for making things less embarrassing than they could have been at the end.
Brickiest Wall goes to my boy Fleury. Yes, Winnipeg scored eight seconds into the game, and yes, they eventually won. But Fleury made some bomb-ass saves, and it could have been much, much worse.
Minnesota tomorrow? Fuck. I'm gonna have to stock up on No-Doz, aren't I?
Once again, it is Friday, and once again, I am angry. Here's what pissing me off today:
1. My husband's schedule.
Sure, I know that there are people out there who don't even get to see their spouses (like military people or those who drive trucks) but the husband and I live in the same damn house and don't have either of those types of jobs, and after he left this morning, I won't be seeing him until Saturday afternoon. He has to do the following things:
- Work a full day at work
- Go to the Meadows casino and play with his band
- Drive back to Ligonier so he gets a parking spot for Fort Ligonier Days tomorrow
- Sleep in his truck
- Wake up and march in the parade with his bagpipe band
So he's going to come home cranky and tired, and I'm gonna have to deal with it.
Not even seeing the husband make this face will make up for it
2. Commercial Halloween.
I complained last week about the rise of slutty Halloween costumes for the ladies, but I think they're symptomatic of a larger problem: the over-commercialization of the entire Halloween holiday.
Sure, I get it, it's fun to dress up in costumes and eat lots of candy. But I am firmly of the opinion that Halloween is largely a holiday for kids - or at least it should be - and that adults co-opting it is kind of ridiculous.
Look, I don't have any Halloween-related nostalgia to play on. When I was growing up, I lived in a hole, in a cave, on the side of a mountain. The concept of trick-or-treating, like you would do on suburban sidewalks, was nonexistent. And there was usually a Halloween blizzard. One year we went trick-or-treating at my dad's college's frat houses, which was the closest thing to a normal Halloween experience I ever had.
The neighbors up the street have gone all out decorating their house for Halloween. There's an inflatable Frankenstein mouth around their door. BUT OUR NEIGHBORHOOD DOESN'T HAVE SIDEWALKS AND WE NEVER GET A SINGLE TRICK-OR-TREATER.
Also, what's with this bullshit about having trick or treat "hours"? If you're a grownup with kids, go out with your kids and have a nice time with them. If you don't have kids, or don't want to go out with them, STAY THE FUCK HOME AND HAND OUT CANDY.
3. Every single obnoxious Caps fan.
Look, you probably saw the game last night. At least, you did if you're a self-respecting Pens fan. It was ridiculous. What I hate more than the Capitals winning games is their dumb-ass fans crowing like this means something in the larger scheme of things.
YES, YOU GOT TWO POINTS. GOOD FOR YOU. IT'S GAME FUCKING FIVE OF THE REGULAR SEASON DOUCHEBAGS.
The inimitable @Rupper_Puns and I had the following Twitter exchange last night:
Like, come on, people. Seriously?
I am tired of obnoxious Caps fans treating every regular-season victory like it's some massively significant thing. Yes, we are rivals, and yes, it's very satisfying to win games. But there's a reason I love to watch the Caps choke in the playoffs, regardless of how well the Pens are doing.
Schadenfreude may not be very becoming, but boy, it is satisfying.
When was the last time we even beat the Caps at home? It can't have been that memorable, 'cause I don't remember it. It's October, we got to OT, and now we have fresh new controversy to field off in the form of Asham's KO and subsequent shenanigans.
But I don't want to give too much away, folks. For this is a very special bedtime story about how, once upon a time, the Washington Capitals beat the Pens in October, and it was the best thing ever, of all times, even better than the Stanley Cup!
There were of course, reasons that this happened. Reasons that were entirely the Pens' fault. Others that weren't. We can tell you about it
MOST DECEPTIVE BEGINNING
The game starts out hardcore as shit, as first shift Matt Cooke sits on someone.
Ovechkin gets shown up trying to cherrypick at the Pens' blueline--surprise, doesn't work.
Shortly thereafter, Malkin gets pissed and comes flying down the left side. Drops to Sullivan, meanwhile still drawing like all the Capitals. Sullivan notices James Neal wide open waaay over on the other side of the nice. Nasty pass. Unlike most people taking shots for the Penguins this evening, James Neal doesn't miss.
With Letang and Engelland all over Ovechkin every shift and Beej flashing serious glove saves, it looks as though we might have beaten the Curse and may be reaching the True Church. Not that we weren't already close to the True Church. Observe:
Malkin comes within inches of pulling a classic "Mario against North Stars" goal but it's ~not quite there~. Everything is going well, though. Nothing to fear? No, perhaps something to fear.
The Pens get unlimited PPs and look mega legit, but nothing actually happens. Red flags.
~~~INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALISM AWARD~~~~~~~~~~
During intermission, viewers turning in on NHL Network are forced to watch Ovechkin being interviewed about Lokomotiv by some blonde who looks straight out of a videotape that someone accidentally recorded an hour of CNN on in 1997.
She asks Ovechkin if the Lokomotiv tragedy hits him closer to home because he's Russian (okay) and he FREQUENTLY FLIES ON AIRPLANES FOR HIS WORK.
Apparently hockey players are the only people who can fall victim to airplane crashes. Just terrible broadcast journalism by this woman. What a dumb question.
"Why did you and Evgeni Malkin decide to have this event tonight?" would have sufficed. But no. We have to start asking questions that make no sense in order to create some kind of dramatic undertone to an already tragic event. IT COULD HAVE BEEN ANYONE. BUT ESPECIALLY YOU. BECAUSE: AIRPLANES.
GOAL THAT YOU COULD HAVE CALLED YESTERDAY
Caps get some shift in the 2nd, Knuble crashes the net, and it goes in pretty much instantly. THAT'S A GOAL. And of course it was Knuble. It's always Knuble. It will always be Knuble. When the Earth is a fireball of lava and charred earth, there will be Knuble.
WE ARE THE FUCKING MONSTER, PEOPLE.
There are a lot of big time photos of this game floating around, but there weren't any after this goal. Strange.
Vokoun is subsequently getting pretty much everything the Pens throw at him, and we realize: this is actually a game against the Panthers in 2009. At least 80% of a game against the Panthers in 2009. To wit: the shots were 19-41 Pens. DEFINITELY a Panthers game. Or at least 80% of a Panthers game. The Panthers would never get a power play in OT and score.
MOST IMPROPER USE OF MAGIC
While the Pens are pissing all over themselves on yet another power play, James Neal loses his stick, and someone (we forget if it was Steiggy or Dan Potash) says we might not see the Pens' PK at all this evening. Errey calls them out on the jinx. It was The Worst Jinx. The game then deteriorated into something that felt sort of like a fistfight in a dark room.
Early in the third, it's business as usual until Mike Green shoots a puck towards Johnson that Ovechkin puts some insane disgusting redirect on. a.) we hadn't even noticed that Mike Green was playing and b.) NO ONE noticed the goal except Bob Errey and it had to be reviewed and it was true. No photos of this either.
The lamb is key. We are now the lamb.
This image is of Una and the Lion, from Edmund Spenser's The Faerie Queene, which a great professor named Christina tried to make me read once sophomore year. It's like 1200 pages. Una, like Mario Lemieux, represents the True Church. And she has a lion and a lamb, so you sort of can't go wrong. Redcrosse Knight, where are you?
WE INTERRUPT THIS SPECIAL BROADCAST TO BRING YOU A VIOLENT IMAGE
Asham dropped Jay Beagle hard and fast with two good punches to the face. No one really knows who started it.
Word on the street he may have been imitating CM Punk, or ex-PH Staff member Ann's favorite wrestler, Razor Ramon. In our universe, Asham did it for Ann. Which might not make it better, but.
Seriously Jay Beagle looked like he was carrying a plum in his cheek.
He kind of made up for getting his ass kicked by pulling his own tooth out. That is pretty badass. Not that this is a badass competition fueled by the mentality of the patriarchy or anything. We're just happy that he wasn't more seriously hurt and that we have a discussion point to unite around this evening.
MOMENT YOU WERE MOST ANTICIPATING AT THE END OF THE PENGUINS' PLAYOFFS LAST SEASON
That moment when the Pens get a power play off of some stupid move by a strapping young Capital (in this case, Troy Brouwer), go on the power play, and see a perfect goal off the rush by James Neal, assisted by Malkin. Total fucking mayhem. CEC gets loud for the first time since Crosby's last hat trick in the building, probably.
It's a tie game, and we made the tie happen, and we're going to win this shit if it's the last thing we do!
OH WAIT NEVER MIND
Pens have to go on the PK in overtime (hah) because Jordan Staal gets called awkwardly for tripping that wasn't really tripping. Despite the presence of Craig Adams, Michalek, and Cooke on the ice, Dennis Wideman pretty much gets a nasty shot off, and it's all over. Needless to say, this will really be on our minds come May or so. *cough*
INDIVIDUAL AWARD: BEST BEER BUDDY
Brent Johnson. We don't blame him for this at all. ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Craig Adams
2. Evgeni Malkin
Kind of can't go wrong there. 2 big-time assists. Flying like a madman.
3. Third star not being given tonight in order to ask: what is this I can't even:
Certainly an expression we've seen many times on the Zhenya and Sasha Comedy Hour.
SPECIAL AWARD: MOST GOOD DEEDS
Before the subsequent descent into Hell, the Zhenya and Sasha Variety Hour united to play a special game for the Lokomotiv tragedy:
Pics via Empty Netters
All the team jerseys had these special patches and will be signed and auctioned off on NHL.com to benefit the families of those killed in the Lokomotiv plane crash. So, something good comes out of tonight.
Mary will be bringing you Angry Friday tomorrow.