Matt Cooke's much-discussed hit on Fedor Tyutin last night has earned him a 4-game suspension, and we head into tomorrow's home game against the Los Angeles Kings one sudden broken finger away from signing some dude off the street to a one-day tryout contract or some shit.

The sudden loss of Chris Kunitz seemed devastating. You wanted to take back all of the vicious comments you made about his bad passes to Malkin, but you couldn't, because they'd already been said. Now, Matt Cooke goes down, and when he isn't charging people he's playing pretty good hockey with tons of hustle. The Pens will undoubtedly need some offensive help. Especially with this man in the house:

total intentional photo choice.

Malkin's knee surgery is tomorrow, which makes the reality of the Penguins' recent injury loss all the more real. So far all of the injuries have come at forward, but when your system emphasizes offensive zone shifts as the best defense, you don't give your poor defensemen much of a margin for error. The Pens aren't scoring easily--it's a fact. Any mistake that leads to a goal is devastating. Any undisciplined penalty is a fucking disaster for the team, because the hockey gods won't always be kind to the Penguins' PK, no matter how beastly it is.

Our inspiration for tomorrow night is Craig Adams, who has received the A in the absence of Crosby and Malkin, along with Jordan Staal and Brooks Orpik.

Scott for scientific method, Amundsen for speed and efficiency but when disaster strikes and all hope is gone, get down on your knees and pray for Craig Adams.

Really, there are very few rocks on this team right now. The boys need all the guidance and defensive forward ability that they can get.
And when someone scores, we hope it's someone like Max Talbot or Chris Conner or Dustin Jeffrey or Tyler Kennedy. They're the boiler experts/firemen of this crew.
It's a long way to Elephant Island.


GO PENS.

First of all we would just like to say that in our pregame meeting with both teams, this is not the outcome that was discussed.
Last we spoke with them, the Pens were pumped and ready to go, and Rick Nash was promising that he would not give us any trouble, knowing that we are terribly upset about all the injuries. 
From what we understand, the deal went sour.
Maybe Steve Mason is no longer threatened by our blackmailing him with pictures of him OBVIOUSLY WEARING MANDLES, CARGO SHORTS, AND A TWINE BRACELET.
He thinks he can say he plays for a Western conference team and get off the hook for this, but as we explained to him, he is not actually in any western place at all, letalone coastal California. 
Or maybe Rick Nash figured out  a way to get his own cake.
We've been holding him in our grasp for eons with our secret Puck Huffers Magic Carrot Cake recipe.

Curry forbid he discover our secret.
Or, perhaps, Dorsett is very accurately calling our bluff that we'll turn in the stacks of evidence we have against him concerning a few felony charges.

Whatever the case, this was a fluke.
One that was about mandles and cakes and a Dodge Durango that went missing on April 18th, 2010.
It's nothing to get down about in these trying times. 
And thus, as always, this game is a red carpet event.

MOMENT YOU WERE PRETTY AMPED UP FOR FROM THE BEGINNING
Maybe it's the fact that we're so close to Columbus that they have an oddly large rivalry with us considering we're across the conference line.
Maybe it's because when their arena hosts the Pens, it's the only time they can sell out.
Whatever the case, these guys don't like one another too much. We bitches here at PH love the Pens and think the BJs are cute, but in the end, that's not how they see one another.
So, when a tangle in front of the net involves Derek Dorsett, you're looking for something to start. And Benny Lovejoy steps up to the plate.

They go at it for a little bit, and we're all pretty pleased to be hockey fans.
The relationship between the NHL and fighting in games is tenuous at best, so let's enjoy what we see.


THE GOAL WE KNEW WE'D COME TO LAUGH ABOUT
Brassard and Nash do something that is actually pretty clean, but we're just going to assume that it was terrible luck on our part and we'll pick it up in a minute. 

It's the Blue Jackets for Curry's sake.
Get a grip people.
We're gonna get this one back before ya know it.

THE MOMENT WE WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE LEAST
Brassard is in love with Tyutin, Cookie finds out about their love affair, and it all results in a whole lot of penalty time that people will probably go to their graves upset over. 
No photos of this treasured moment exist yet, so all we have to say is



THE MAN WHO WILL NOT BE THE SCAPEGOAT FOR THIS LOSS

MAF is a hero.
He stones Tyutin at the end of the first, and Nash to commemorate the beginning of the second.
Remember that 3 minute PK? Yeah.
We have recording devices with all of you. Say one negative thing, you implode.

THE MOMENT YOU PAUSED, TOOK A DEEP BREATH, AND TRIED TO CONVINCE YOURSELF IT WAS GONNA BE OKAY
Pahlsson gets a garbagey goal off his body.
You aren't too pleased about this, but remind yourself that it will all be okay and that Curry loves his little children, all the children of the world. 
Just in case you're down just thinking about this time, here is a photograph that is not of the event, and is instead quite delightful.

Okay, so, 2-0, we can do tha-

MOMENT YOU STARTED TO WELL UP AND WONDER WHY THIS WAS HAPPENING TO YOU
Time flies while you are waiting for your team to come back from a two point lead.
These goals are seperated by a lot of time but feel damn near consecutive.

This is when we start to realize the deal had gone sour.
All the fighting, the three goal defecite... 
This was starting to feel like deciet. We released the scent of carrot cake into the visiting bench in hopes we would distract Fattie. We also use this in extreme cases with Chris Osgood and various other NHL fatties. Always remember to install your cake scent simulator. 

BEST USE OF CARROT CAKE SCENT
The President takes advantage of the weakened state of team CBJ. 
We thought it may be the guys getting back in line for a second, but as we know now it was just a brief lapse into cake haze.
There's no picture as of yet, so take this first period photo and pretend that THIS goal worked, and it almost makes it worth 4 points.


THE MOMENT THE DEAL WAS PRETTY MUCH SEALED

We hate to call it a game before the time guys do it for us, but our comeback frame of mind was kind of blown after this one.

BEST DEATH RATTLE

If it was all for this photo, it just may have been worth it.

Jackets 4 Pens 1
Pens lose

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

THE COLOR US SURPRISED AWARD
Press missed a few chances but still made good on some other opportunities.

We'll take it.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
All three are distributed among the boys of the IR, who need some lovin' about now.


Our team is beat to hell and back, but after the smoke has cleared and we push some wreckage out of the way, we can see that our team goes deep.
We don't make it all the time due to bad nights, screw ups, and deals gone bad, but we've got a lot to be happy about as fans.
Don't get down - this is when it gets hard.
Luckily, the Pens are never losing again.

Go Pens. 

Hair League updates will soon follow. We're still reeling from the utter and complete loss of Gene. Here's that illustration again, just to get you upset:


Letestu had surgery. Still six weeks on him at least. Sid? No clue. We're on borrowed time right now. We will have to grind out Every Single Thing.

With these heavy thoughts in your heart, why don't you complete the Marry, Fuck, or Kill for tomorrow's opponent:


JAKUB VORACEK
This international man of mystery isn't good looking. Even we would not try to argue that. But, he's Jakub Voracek. He's clearly hilarious. Take this example we found here:

The father of Columbus Blue Jackets forward Jakub Voracek caught a six-foot-five-inch hammerhead shark on Wednesday near Miami, according to the Columbus Dispatch. While the Shark was tossed back, Voracek's father has video and pictures to prove it. "I've seen the picture," Voracek told the newspaper. "It's uglier than me."

First off we're happy he's learned English. Second, isn't someone that self-aware just so lovable?


DEREK DORSETT
Is a man.


ROSTISLAV KLESLA
His name is Rostislav. He is a Czech defenseman. He is awkward and would probably buy you flowers.

LADIES, MAKE YOUR PICKS. And gentlemen.

This coming hockey is not for the faint of heart.
Go Pens.

oh, wait.

Clearly, in a 3-0 victory, Caps fans have a lot to complain about:





Ovechkin crying because he accidentally blocked a shot and thought he'd been hit with enemy gunfire.
maybe.


dick.


OH NOES NOT MICHAEL GREEN

NBC's broadcast of the game was atrocious.
Best part was "great job by the Caps!" on holding the Pens off when the Pens are running out of offensively-minded players to skate.
We can definitely win games with this team. We certainly have. But you don't get them all. And Neuvirth was a bit obese. Lots of missed chances.

There's a Super Bowl today. Go Pittsburgh.
Go Pens.

It's pretty clear that most hockey fans disagree with the whole mashup of sports. No one likes the guy in the Steelers jersey at the game on any given night. But in this case, of course, we accept it for the sake of Pittsburgh pride.
Anyway, we're not getting into the Superbowl. Go Steelers n'at, but we're here for the hockey.

This game was weird, plain and simple. If you were looking for something to mess with your emotions last night, you certainly got it. Would we give up a win against the Sabres to have Malks not injured for five minutes? Maybe, maybe not. We have to think on that one.
Let's do some quick awards in the meantime. 

MOMENT YOU DEFINITELY STILL REMEMBERED BY THE END OF THE GAME BUT MAYBE CARED A LITTLE LESS ABOUT

When the puck ended up in our twine and the Sabres started celebrating as soon as the game came on, we were almost certain that it had to be some sort of Sabres highlight reel playing that was not a part of the game. Scoring in the first few seconds of the game gives everyone an uncomfortable feeling, even when it's your own team. We just want a little warm-up time, guys.
When it isn't your team?
Then it's uncomfortable and awful. 
Luckily we know these goals well, and we understand that goals in the opening seconds rarely mean anything other than some quick, lucky bounces for the opposing team. 
We don't let it get us down.


THE MOMENT YOU STARTED TO LET IT GET YOU DOWN

When only a little while later Grier puts the puck in front of MAF in a relatively easily contained way and a freakish series of events land it on Engelland's skate, we're suddenly down 2-0 in what seems like a crazy flukey way. 
We're hanging on strong to HOPE and FAITH, but we're starting to get a little worried that this may be one of those games where the bounces are just working against us.
A few disagreements on the ice lead us into a series of penalties for both teams, and we eventually head into the second with over a minute of power play.
Maybe things will finally start going our wa-

MOMENT THAT MADE YOU CRINGE UNCOMFORTABLY

And it's official - we can't catch a fucking break.
And neither can Malks, clearly. After a sinus infection and long-term knee issues, Malks hits the ice again, this time clutching the OTHER KNEE.
You're about to throw in the [terrible] towel. 
This blows.

BEST REVENGE
Finally, the bounces start working in our favor, probably because the universe feels sorry for giving a hard time to the Greatest Human.

DJ Dance Party gets the puck near enough to the net that it hops in off of Connolly's skate.
You are familiar with moments like these. They are called turnarounds, and you will be taking yours now, please.

MOST LIKELY TO BE RE-ELECTED FOR ANOTHER TERM IN OFFICE

In the interest of taking care of business, our President and yours, Tyler Kennedy, sees to it that the turning point opportunity is not in vain - suddenly it's 2-2 and we can see the Sabres sweatin' it a little. 
The know a train coming when they see one.

MOMENT THE SABRES SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN OFF THE TRACKS


And that is how you take a lead.
Bitches.

PERIOD IN WHICH WE KEPT SAID LEAD
Third period is just about keeping one step ahead. 
Paul Martin acts like a fucking genius.
Conner has some nice shifts.
All in all, we hold it down.
And it pays off.

PENS 3 SABRES 2
PENS WIN

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

MOST TERRIFYING

Lindy Ruff, your existence is a mystery as old as time to us.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS

1) Kris Letang

Might need a haircut, but still charms us on ice.

2) Malkin

For being a trooper, and because we miss staring at your slackjawed face with wonder.

3) MaxTal

Because we're looking for him to have another crazy power game, and maybe getting a star will pump his ego enough to get it done.


Post later tonight on truly ridiculous things.
Sunday, of course, go Stillers.
Pens are never losing again.

Go Pens.


 

Look at Gene, with his mouth all open and shit.
This photo represents a time we want to forget soon, when the Winter Classic was the biggest deal ever and Sid and Evgeni couldn't get shit going. And we were all taking crap for it.
If Gene's knee is in fact 100%, tonight's the night he gets to show it.

Sid's visiting Trina and Troy.  Eating oatmeal while watching Project Runway reruns.  etc.
It's like every day of your winter break, basically.

Also, ever remember how no one cares about the Heritage Classic?
Well, we just found out, it's in like 2 weeks. Catch up on it? If you care?
God the Flames are in it. What garbage.

btw, Brent Johnson literally broke DiPietro's face. And apparently he has a swollen knee. 4-6 weeks out. Dang.

Tonight's going to be weird.
Go Pens.

Yes, there was a goalie fight tonight and it was GLORIOUS. But you have to wait until the last 17seconds of the game, so hold your horses. And DON'T scroll down to the bottom of the post, you fucktards! Jeez, have a little patience.

So, I was pretty psyched when Zoe tagged me in for this game. I wanted to recap a win and she hands me the Isles. It was like destiny. Yes, we're down, what? 5 guys? But come on. We're on home ice and the Isles are 2nd last in the conference. So, with cautious optimism, I set to my blogging duties.

To start off, Jordo is playing. Take a moment to thank Curry and sacrifice that virgin you promised him. I didn't promise any myself, not for lack of Jordo love, but because I wasn't really worried. You take a look at that footage and Prust spins in the wrong direction. For serious. Staal hits him with a left, and Prust spins to his right. Pretend to hit yourself in the face with your left. Where does your head go? Not to your right.
Besides, who goes down from one gloved punch? Prust, evidently.

Well, moving on now, because this game is PACKED with goodies that I need to share with you.

THE BEST DiPIETRO PLAYED ALL NIGHT
TK opens up the scoring on a rebound from Martin. Kind of a soft goal on DiP's part, not heinous but still reminds you of how many MILLIONS OF DOLLARS he has sucked into his black hole of uselessness.

1-0 Pens.

WHY DOES DP EVEN PLAY HOCKEY?
Kunitz comes into the zone with Dupes streaking to the net, so DiP cheats a bit, thinking Kuni will go for the pass. Wrong.
2-0 Pens

Kuni has scored a goal before. He acts accordingly.

Now this is a heinous goal. Kunitz nets it on the backhand, short side, from below the circle. That's a goal that should never be. Way to drag down your whole franchise, DiP.

ACKWARD/CHARMING MAN LOVE

Rupp throws down with Konopka, but after Rupp lands a few good ones, they man hug for a while. Maybe Rupp was trying to comfort him with gentle whisperings. Don't believe him, Konopka! He DID mean it and he probs WILL do it again! About the whole "You know I love you, baby." thing, I can't really speak to that.
Steigy and Errey try to make it less ackward by comparing the "in close" style of fisticuffs to old time boxing.
No one is comforted.

CBC conducted many MANY polls over the All Star Weekend, one of which asked the players which coach they would most like to play for. And who did they say?

THIS HANDSOME DEVIL

Who me?
Yes, you! Silly.
Check it out here.
Side Note: The least desired coach is Ron Wilson. NO ONE wants to be a Leaf.

MOMENT YOU KNEW THIS WOULD BE A HIGHLIGHT ON NHL.COM IN UNDER A MINUTE
I don't really understand the interwebs, so you get a link.
Link City
DiP-shit is such a failure. It turned out to be hilarious, but it could just as easily have been sad if he'd fumbled it into his own net.

The rest of the game features little shooting, little scoring, and lots of close checking. It's frustrating. Especially for Talbo, who rings 2 posts. When you've gone 24 games without a goal, and 15 without a point, a post is like a hoof to the sack. Poor bastard. Atleast he's beating Kunitz, who has only hit 1 post tonight. Of course, Kunitz had a goal in the 1st...

Side Note: One of the bullet points in my notes for tonight says "I love Kuni. More than I should love a married man." Something in the 2nd inspired that. I don't know what he did, but I'm sure he is deserving of my adulterous affection.

Last minutes of play and DiP is where he belongs: not in the crease. Adams feeds the puck to Max, who misses the empty net. >:O GAAAhHAH
So much frustration.
But Adams isn't a quiter. At Harvard, He had discipline and work ethic beaten into him with a phone book. -no bruises :D-
So he tries again. Works hard to get the puck to Talbo, who...

SCOOOOOOOOOORRREEESSSSSSS

3-0
Finally, he gets his 50th career goal and 100th career point. The crowd gives him a standing O cause they all know that this isn't any old empty netter.

At this point I'm thinking "Yeah, that'll do. I'm pretty darn happy with this game. 41 seconds to go."
But, OH. No, no. The night is not over. No, sir.

FREELANCE ASS KICKER
Cooke is cruising by DiP, close enough to get in his space and be a bit of a douche about the inevitable win, when DiP takes a shot at him. I would describe it as an attempted clothesline maneuver. So Cookie gets laid out and there's a big scrum in the corner. DiP is just kind of standing aroun, when he suddenly looks off, out of frame. He's looking at Brent Johnson coming to do business, the business of kicking DiP's ass.
Business is booming.


I don't even have to tell you how excited I was when I realized what was about to happen. That's because you felt it too. A goalie race on the weekend and now a goalie fight.
Truelly, Curry's light shines down upon us.
Granted, it lasted about 2 seconds, but that was part of it's charm. Brent landed 1 punch and DiPietro crumbled like Feta.
It.was.glorious


The Pens agree.

Here is the porn for you.

MAF steps in to clean up the last 16.5 seconds.

3-0
PENS WIN
Blanked the Isles twice in 2 days.


ALT STARS
1. Paul Martin : 2A, +2, 5 blocked shots
2. Craig Adams : ALWAYS a hero, plus he worked hard to help Max
3. DiPietro's posts.

Now go have sweet dreams of goalies kicking the shit out of each other. It's what MY dreams are made of.

Sabres Friday
GO PENS

We're allowed to be pissed and talk about cutting people after tonight.
This is totally allowed.
The game got off to a great start, what with the Harlem Boys and Girls Choir tearing it up and Rangers fans screaming obscenities over the national anthem. We found out earlier today that Mark Letestu was injured in practice. Versus says it's a knee thing. Out indefinitely. Jesus Christ.
Dustin Jeffrey came to town. Without Crosby, Malkin, and Letestu, there was a definite question as to where the Pens' offense was going to come from. But you weren't really scared--just happy as hell that the All-Star Game is fucking over and real hockey is back into our lives.

So many things could have happened that didn't. And so many things that you didn't want to happen--they did happen. But: 2 points. And Philly got flattened by TB. Big time points in the division. We're still alive. We're kicking.

Here we go. It's not pretty.

BEST SHOT YOU EVER TOOK
You had probably noticed Beninati with the sick Staal brothers reference, but it was before puck drop. Luckily it doesn't take Beninati too long to bring it up again once play begins. That's one drink: the Staals are brothers.
MSG is fucking dark. As we all knew. This begins to be a slowly-developing metaphor for our souls.
Chris Conner takes the ice, and every time it happens, it's an instant scoring chance.
We looked hard for a picture of Chris Conner on the ice is this game, but the press is retarded.
Here he is back from when he played with Dallas, showing the expression that we imagine defines his entire existence:




MOMENT YOU CRINGED UNCOMFORTABLY AND PROBABLY CRIED
That shot becomes more important once Prust does some shit off of an assist from Polish Ex-Boyfriend Wojtek.

whatever 1-0
Pens get into more penalty trouble, but kill it.  Sean Avery exists.  The feeling of doom hasn't quite set in yet.

BEST TOPICS OF DISCUSSION!!!
- Sid's concussion
- the All-Star Game
- Beninati not understanding the phrase "wintry mix"
- Both Staals being on the ice (drink)  (That's 2 drinks, folks.)
- TK sucking
All brought to you by Versus and the Pittsburgh Penguins and the NHL and Bettman's splooge.

Basically, intermission almost inspires a suicide pact.  Jeffrey was creating shit there at the end of the period, though.

MOST QUESTIONABLE ESCALATIONS
The second period starting begins to have the bitter, metallic tang of blood.  Cooke is yelling at people right off the opening faceoff.
Fleury is all over whatever comes his way.  He is in control of all things.
 
Until Artem Anisimov shows up.  Dude is becoming a serious Penguin killer.

it's 2-0 and a serious lovefest for the Rangers and their fans, who probably don't even know who Artem Anisimov is.  Serious question: have you ever met a New York Rangers fan who wasn't trashed and yelling about Mark Messier?

But the Pens are still in this. First, Engo fights Prust, and Prust probably pees himself:


Pens then get a power play, and Dustin Jeffrey shoots a puck that finds its way behind Lundqvist by the grace of God.
 That's 1-0.  Then Talbot makes a play to Rupp, who goes straight to the net like a boss.  2-2 and it feels like it took no time at all.  We're working hard, we're grinding this out.
Chris Conner appears hurt, returns, again by the grace of god.  You thought Zbynek Michalek was going to score this game, and he almost did, until his big blast from the point gets redirected by Kunitz.
We're in the lead!  Right?  This is how we roll. . .
 
AND THEN GOD DIED
Brandon Prust throws an elbow in Jordan Staal's face, so Jordan Staal punches him in the head.  Prust goes down like someone emptied an entire clip into him.

Look on Prust's face is dastardly.
Sure, Staal punched him.  Give him a penalty.  Hell, even give him the five minute major.
OH WAIT.  THAT'S A MATCH PENALTY AND AUTOMATIC SUSPENSION PENDING REVIEW.
Because of a punch.  Versus even went so far as to compare it to this dick move by Ben Eager:

Riiiiight. Exactly what happened. Staal clearly jumped him away from the puck and started punching him in the face repeatedly with zero provocation. RIIIIGHT. No, folks. This is a play that happens daily in the NHL. Someone gets their arms up during a puck battle, and gets a jab in the face as a result. Prust was fine. Jordan Staal, murderous beast that he is with such a rich and detailed history of violence, was obviously trying to hurt Prust beyond a reasonable doubt.
He must be thrown out of a game to prevent injury to other innocent players! He must learn a lesson that this is just Not What We Do in the NHL!
Bullshit. What Eager did is retarded. What Staal did happens, every goddamn day. Even if Prust did go down and wasn't faking. . .we are trying to figure out how this is a match penalty. Staal retaliated when Prust went up with his elbow? How have the majority of people not seen this? They got involved with each other. Staal didn't just skate up and start punching Prust down. Blown call. If you really felt that strongly about it, you could give him a game misconduct????? OR SOMETHING????

Anyone who says otherwise can deliver us their mouths, into which we will put Jordan Staal's sac. Metaphorically of course.


WAAAAAHHHH. Crying.
Oh, so: now we are without our top 4 centers. Oh, and Asham left the game with an injury too, so we're down a winger. HOORAY US.
The Rangers score on the subsequent major penalty before the horn sounds. So it's 3-3.
And did we mention? God died.


MOMENTS THAT WE BECAME GOD
Killed the rest of that penalty when the third started.
Then killed a delay of game penalty after that.
Fleury is on fire. All kinds of fire. Fuckin' Fiendfyre.
The boys get tired. They ice the puck, use their timeout.
KTang dumps some asshole's face into the boards, which is a penalty.
We kill that too. We kill it dead.
Somehow the game reaches overtime. And you get to take your third and final shot of the night when the words Brother Jordan are said. You'll need that and more for the shootout, which goes six rounds without a score.
Dustin Jeffrey, effectively the top skilled forward on the team at this point, finds the back of the net. Why it took Bylsma so long to call Jeffrey's number is beyond us.

And Marian Gaborik, believe it or not Versus: actually sucks and is neither a good nor a clutch player.
Fleury has his number.
Brandon Prust killed God, and the Pens came out on the other side.
aghjdlk PENS WIN
4-3 SO
we major.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS
LEAST LIKELY TO

Tyler Kennedy.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Chris Motherfucking Conner
2. MAF
3. Brandon Prust's tears.

very short turnaround to Islanders tomorrow. Maybe we get Malkin? Who knows.

Proudest win of the season, founded solely on good defensive play, good goaltending, and keeping the Islanders to the outside as much as possible.
classic, and astonishing.

Go Pens.

The All-Star Weekend has ended, and it leaves us with the same old question of "what were we supposed to take away from this, again?" It's nothing more than a party, and not even the biggest party that you're going to end up at this year. It's a small one, with not a lot of beer in the fridge. Fleury and Letang both received an inordinate amount of hair points. We lost track of their hair, so we made educated guesses. That's the numbers side of it. But what really did you feel and learn? What did you experience?


First of all, ASG Weekend is great for fans, who happen to be able to travel to the city in which the game is being held, for whatever reason, i.e. they had the money and could somehow get off of work. Maybe we'll understand this when we're older. And, you know, for the hockey fans in the host city, who generally deserve the event as long as it isn't being held in Montreal. Congrats, NHL. You really do us a solid.


Now, to a more important point. THESE ARE THE HEADSHOTS THE NHL DID THIS YEAR????????????????????
Are we getting our fucking senior pictures done in 1997?
Marc-Andre's is even more appalling:

this helpful tidbit is provided by Getty: EDITORS NOTE: A special effects camera filter was used for this image. O RLY. THESE ARE SOME REALLY SPECIAL EFFECTS.


OH MY GOD THE INDIAN HEAD IS GLOWING. BECKONING. IT MUST BE SOME KIND OF A SIGN. WE MUST MOVE TOWARDS THE LIGHT. . .


Is. . .is it on fire?


Kindergarten.


Wherever Jeff Skinner goes, the shining stars follow his joy.


Not even Henrik Lundqvist's Ken-Doll charm can make this look classy. In fact, you could probably crop this picture and say it is a still from an 80's porno. No one will be able to prove you wrong.

Ryan Kesler got to take two: one sassy, one happy. Let's do happy first:

Ryan, what are you so thrilled about today?

Oh, you want to smirk us into oblivion? We accept this fate.


David Backes is the answer.


Literally rolled out of bed and brushed the Cheetos off of himself. No shame.


You can really tell in Price's shot. They set up a stage light. And hung a jersey in front of it. Who got the go-ahead to produce these with that directive? Whatever your name is, sir or madam, you should submit your latest ideas to Tyra Banks, since they'd fit right in with an early season episode of ANTM.


AAAHHH CREEPY TWOFER. *shudder* It's like trying to fit your sons into a family picture.


Matt Duchene probably asked for extra prints of this to give to his family and save in the hope chest.


Finally, as we exhaust the interesting photos from this bunch, we come to Brent Burns. We had no idea who Brent Burns was, really, before the ASG. Now we know he is a defenseman for the Minnesota Wild which means we should probably hate his guts and hope he dies in an avalanche.

ACTUALLY FOLKS HE HAS A TINY DAUGHTER WHO WEARS TINY BOOTS AND IS TINY.

LOOK AT THE BIG BOW ON HER TINY HEAD.

AND HER TINY TINY HAND.

That is all.

Oh, yeah, there was some game. It was not very interesting. You can watch the full highlights here. Here's the best part:

Raises more questions than answers, honestly. Does Ovechkin care so little about the ASG that he decided throwing his stick would be funny? Did he just want to watch another penalty shot (as if ASG weekend didn't have enough shootout moves)? Or was he temporarily insane and thought that throwing equipment would somehow change the course of events in this very, very meaningful game? Honestly, it's almost as meaningful as the Winter Classic.
Mattie D didn't score, so everyone went home a little disappointed anyway.

Winter is gross this year, so we've gotten ahold of Cam early in the year regarding picnic planning.

He says it's a go.

Malkin skating, still snotty. Traveling to New York.
Cryptic Sid updates.

Rangers tomorrow.
Go Pens.

The Super Skillz thing in general is something strange in our lives.
How are we supposed to feel about this?
Are we supposed to be impressed by skills or amused or slightly embarrassed when grown men are forced to partake in a weird relay and attempt to make it funny?
We choose a healthy blend of all three, we suppose.

The winners of the ASG Super Skills really prove nothing, but hey, all in good fun. We get to see players with their kids and acting like kids and having fun with one another.
We will sign the papers to approve its existence in the coming years. 

Let's take a look at what happened last evening.


Kris Letang opens for Team Staal, but we all know that we're not really rooting for a team at the skills contest. At least not for individual awards. We just wanted to make sure that Ktang could skate backwards faster than anyone else in the world. We didn't get that answer, but we do know that he can do it faster than Duncan Keith.
One mystery solved.
Moving on to other KTang mysteries:

Is the hair getting out of control?
y/n

So after a Penguins representative won the first event on the ice (obv) We move on to rookies, who are embarrassingly earnest about winning. 

Michael Grabner beats Taylor Hall, everyone remains indifferent.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, someone learns to use the motion blur function on photoshop.

Then, as if to prove that this whole thing is a sham, we get to watch goalies race.
For a moment we were pretty sure that we were having that dream again.
But no, the NHL decided it should be a reality. 

You can't even pick someone to root for in this situation, you just have to delight in the fact that someone above (John Curry) loves you and wants you to be happy because you get to watch goalies race, which is only one small step behind watching goalies fight. And when you get a good, fat goalie in the mix? This is like a hilarious birthday present. 
As though it weren't enough that we got to see Timmy and Cam race, we got to see a goalie fall and struggle to get upright again, and no one got injured. If we could be assured that no one would get hurt, we would pay good money to watch goalies fall all day long. 

Cam wins because he lays off the cheesy blasters on weekends and before games, but really we are the winners here.

Martin St. Louis takes on Ryan Kesler and wins, brother Steven beats the entire band Green Day, Mattie D beats the third-best Staal brother, and Michael Grabner beats Taylor Hall a final time to take the cake. 

Woo.


We were starting to get nervous at the beginning of the breakaway challenge. Everyone was wondering WHAT IS OVIE GOING TO DO NEXT?
Never have we been so proud of Sasha as when he shockingly didn't try to one up his last stunt, and instead did safely-bizarre things like everyone else. We didn't want to see him getting stuck in some endless cycle of what new and exciting thing he could do every year at the ASG Skills competition. 
For the sake of modesty, we're glad he won.
Nice showing some restraint there, Ovie.

Is someone growing up a little?
We think we like it.


The accuracy shooting event was a debacle. 
Possibly the most hilarious thing to see someone go through is "Come on, seriously, this isn't fair. But I can't act like I give a shit, or else I'm that jerk who took the Super Skills event too seriously. But come on!" 
That faulty machine produced more conflicted emotions than we have ever seen in one hockey event. 
One of the Sedins wins it.

(Fun fact, when reporting on the Sedins you have no obligation to know which one it was)
Team Staal is crushing the competition.
ASG drinking game next year? We think so.


The Skills relay is really kind of terrible. 
It is easily the worst of all of the challenges. 

We would like to take a time-out here, instead, and let everyone know  things are sometimes hard for hockey players in the heat of things. They get confused and can't quite understand basic concepts, because their heads are too busy trying to figure out where to best make it rain next, how many bitches can fit into their hot tub, and exactly how the situation in Egypt is progressing currently. 
So if you are asking for something from a professional hockey player, such as an autograph, make it easy for them (especially if that professional hockey player is Jakub Voracek MY GOD DOES HE HAVE A DIFFICULT TIME)
Take, for example, the "AUTOGRAPH HERE" boards these people brought-

WHERE DOES ZHEE AUTOGRAPH -
O LOLOLOLOL
RITE HERE

It's 21-11, Staal city after the event. 
Ugh.


Hardest shot is where it gets interesting again. 
While Rick Nash lets himself get beat by people we wouldn't even invite to our birthday parties, Zdeno Chara breaks the record with a 105.9 (the X). 
As Zoe often reminds me in a strangely sexual voice, Zdeno Chara is 6'9.
This makes us root for him, as there is a weird desire to be in cahoots with an individual who is that tall. 

This photo would be historic if a certain someone didn't have to be taking photos with his CELL PHONE ON THE ICE WTF.
Also, maybe we are underestimating how much of P.Kane's salary is controlled by his parents, something we should have looked into after his penny-pinching incident a while back.
Sir, it is two thousand and eleven.
Why the fuck don't you have a smartphone?
 

And finally, just as you were wondering what new movies are on Netflix instant view these days, the elimination shoot out comes to take us out of our misery.
Maf isn't in any of the nets, so we only half care, and that half-caring is rewarded when Rick Nash actually gets a goal, redeeming himself in part from his previous showing. 

Corey Perry is 3/3 and wins the contest.
We had made a celebratory kugel for the winner of the event.
Shame.


So there you have it, another year of Skills competitions out of the way.
We've almost burned through another All Star Weekend! Just think guys, a whole year of freedom before it strikes again.
Kind of like the yearly flu, only no one is nice to you and you have to make your own soup.

Games tonight. 
Try not to chew your arm off.
Go Pens.