Today is that miraculous trade deadline.
We'll be busy pissing ourselves in a corner while we attend such terrible obligations as class and work. But we discovered this:
Turn the audio on whenever possible and go to town.
We'll recap the deadline with love and care later on today.
Try not to die everyone. Be safe. We just had to listen to the Rangers win the Stanley Cup on the TSN tracker. uh
Make sure you have some whiskey at home.
Today is that miraculous trade deadline.
Last night's game was a little bit...
Coming from a place where we're all a little bit bruised and weak, putting our emotions on the line like that is pretty uncomfortable, especially when against the Leafs, who are notorious for giving us a run for our money despite all odds.
Last night's game was a roller coaster. Let us breifly discuss what went down.
The beginning of the game was...okay.
As okay as games have begun in the past, at least. And then it starts to go downhill.
No one can seem to take the puck from the Leafs, TK is injured, Kovie gets sent to the box...
Images of Chernobyl, the Exxon Valdez, and numerous other disasters start entering the corners of our consciousness - but no. We push it out. Everything will be okay.
Everything will be okay. Everything will be okay.
Lupul Godammit, we thought you were dead, and here you are haunting us.
We're trying not to go into panic mode, but we don't know how long we'll last.
And then, when we are questioning our abilility to truely be positive all the time, Kovalev reminds us to not question our team, especially not in the first period.
Not his first goal celebration with the Pens, but the first time with these players, and it is a beautiful, beautiful thing.
The second period finds us a little bit more confident.
We remember that the Pens are never losing again and are ready for a bloodbath.
Max Talbot tries to get a date after the game by being fancy, and just misses getting a goal.
Rupp starts the mayhem early.
Possibly the best photograph ever taken.
Lupul tries some funny business and nearly convinces everyone that we're watching soccer. Luckily the refs know that no one watches soccer, so when everyone starts cheering for a goal they get it together and remember that this is in fact hockey.
Unfortunately, all of the confusion gets to Colby Armstrong and he forgets what team he really plays for.
Not the goal, just Colbs in blue. It does not do wonders for his heinously pale complexion.
Colby come home?
Unfortunately, despite the team his heart is with, the team whose jersey Colby is wearing gets the point. We don't find this to be good practice, and are petitioning the NHL for a change.
Luckily, Letestu is back in action and just as sexual as ever.
He makes up for the lost point, AND makes Jordy's day.
Realizing that all of the formerly absent players would now have to show their stuff, Mister Jeffrey takes a feed from Cooke and shows that he too is a valuable member of team Penguins.
For the first time in the game, we are ahead on the scoreboard.
James Reimer is on suicide watch. He looks like he is in agony.
Of course, the Leafs take away some of the glory in the first half of the third, and before we can blink they've scored twice.
We try to get a read on the game but we don't know what to think.
It might be negative.
But we're not willing to let it get us.
We remember these days. HOPE. FAITH. Come on Curry.
Before long this game has got a better back-and-forth than the cast of Community.
Max Talbot set aside his allowance this week just to take a girl out, and he is not letting it go to waste again.
The stud scores it shorthanded, of course, because he is a superstar.
Wishes granted, dreams coming true.
Phaneuf won't let it happen, takes the lead back.
We really can't expect press to keep up at this point, anyway.
And finally, panties litter the ice when Rupp sails one in to retie the game, 5-5.
Regulation ends as we try to catch our breath and get a steady heartbeat going again.
Overtime is a joke, but it leads into the SO, which we all secretly wanted just so we could watch Kovie do his thing in a Pens jersey.
And did he ever.
SORRY SIR BUT NOT REALLY
We'd say something like "what a game" but in reality, this was nothing like a normal hockey game. This was a beautiful rarity of a game and we really don't know if our hearts could handle too many of these.
But we certainly do appreciate the entertainment, and of course the fight our team is putting into their play when they know they are back into a corner.
Hey, we're still 4th in the east. Right now we should be nothing but positive.
Anyway, we're never losing again.
Well, no, not really. The page has been updated and many of the names we are tracking are no longer permanent fixtures of the Penguins. Nobody even has the new guys on their team. If anybody wants to make any LTIR substitutions, now would be a pretty good time. You guys also better be on top of this shit at the deadline in case somebody else gets traded.
click on this. This is the latest points graphic. Do you think we've missed something? If so, let us know. We meticulously track instances of hair during broadcasts and anything that shows up on PensTV, and if we missed something we deserve to be punished.
Here's your top 25 graphic. Note that there are over 100 points between #1 and #25.
Let's have some fun:
- Of the top 25 point-getting teams, 8 of them (32%) are owned by dudes (we think). Good job, guys.
- There are 2 teams tied for last place, having earned 179 points so far. They both consist of Sidney Crosby, Jordan Staal, and Mike Comrie.
- So far, only 1 person has submitted otherwise unknown material to us for bonus points. They are in 143rd place.
- Last place, by the way, is 156th. There are 156 total hair teams. In case you forgot.
- The highest-ranking team to not have Pascal Dupuis consists of Sidney Crosby, Brent Johnson, and Kris Letang.
- Jordan Staal, as you might notice from the first graphic, only has 19 fucking points.
- Mike Comrie still has 52.
- Brent Johnson could save your team from certain death. He has 252 points mostly because he doesn't wear a hat on the bench.
- Other than Brent Johnson, the player with the most points for being seen in-game without a hat or helmet is Deryk Engelland.
- So far we have logged 586 total instances of hair for the Penguins since the puck dropped at CEC for the first time in October.
- Maxime Talbot has received the 7-point facial hair bonus three times for 21 bonus points.
- Sidney Crosby has received it twice for 14 points.
- Someone still has Nick Petersen on their hair team. We don't even know. Nick Petersen is in fucking Wheeling right now.
- Surprise pick of the year is probably Ben Lovejoy who has a healthy 122 points.
Interested in knowing anything else? Feel free to e-mail us.
Expectations are brutal things that should be kept under wraps. Being happy to see the Pens acquiring some offensive players is about as high as you can allow yourself to get. A lineup full of players that aren't used to playing with each other isn't necessarily going to bring the awesome tape-to-tape shit. You'd believe it the way Kovalev was passing tonight, but no, we're only pretty recently into this relationship, this situation.
There are a lot of ways to look at the second half of this season. The summary would seem to be: Pens can't catch a fucking break. Ever. Tonight was just a continuation. But there are things to consider, things to celebrate. Don't be stupid. You're a Pens fan.
Basically shouldn't have had any major thoughts about the Pens having an amazing night and Kovalev scoring 9 goals because someone we've never heard of named Harrison scores for the Canes in like 4 seconds.
We've never heard of Joslin either but his name was said at least a hundred times. Bad signs.
The rest of the period is basically like a guy's dick doing way soft right in the middle of sex.
Frustration. Joe Corvo gets some PP goal. When the penalty kill isn't getting it done the Pens don't have a chance. Cooke ran some interference that lead to the power play. The optimist in you has a James Neal natural hat trick predicted for the second. Death.
2-0 Canes. Should we even play the rest of the game? The answer is yes.
MOST UNEXPECTEDLY ADORABLE INTERMISSION
Potash interviewed Brian Strait and he was like gaaaawww. Looks like someone you went to high school with. We forgot to take a screen shot, but there is other evidence:
repeat: gaaawwww. Hope?
MOMENTS WITH MOST INTENSE RAT BASTARD OVERTONES
Even with the incomparable Joe Vitale in his face, Cam Ward still manages to make All of the Saves. Kovalev runs the PP like a boss, not that we have any visual documentation of that, but trust us: it was cool. Kovy could hit a dude in a yurt in Mongolia with a pass and the dude in the Mongolian yurt would be totally stunned. Kovalev saving the team, basically. He, Staal, and Letang all over all things, but Ward is there or the net is missed, causing death and destruction for all. Then Erik Cole shows up, making it even more painful. Mongolian dude in the yurt probably tries to feed the puck to some migrant animals.
3-0. uggggh. there is still no god. Curry in exile.
Bylsma puts Johnson in net as an apparent method of telling his team to stop this shit.
SOMETHING ELSE I COULDN'T SCREENSHOT THAT WAS AMAZING
Craig Adams putting tiny tiny hockey gloves on Rhys Adams and tiny tiny Rhys Adams skating with all his equipment on. fjklsjfkldsjfldksjflkd;safjdkslafjdklajfd;fjldksjfds;ajfsklafja;
GOAL TO WHICH WE WILL GIVE RHYS ADAMS AN ASSIST FOR MORALE PURPOSES
Trying to haul your ovaries back into yourself. Then Pascal Dupuis finally scores:
Only photo of this goal and he isn't even in it.
3-1 Pens. . .we can totally come back from this, right?
ACTUALLY, WE CAN'T
If the Pens don't score again, Steigerwald is literally going to have a heart attack. He says "COME ON JAMES NEAL" at the end of the 2nd. Neal doesn't score. He says "COME ON ZBYNEK" in the third. When Michalek finally scores a goal Paul is going to lose his shit literally. He will poop himself.
Nothing is happening at all and Canes have unlimited everything. Pens' puck possession tends to go for naught. Weird things continue to happen.
Some idiot, we think Corvo, hits Ktang in the head and then teabags him repeatedly while the Canes rush up ice for a 2 on 1. Ballsack in Kris's eyes as Jussi Jokinen scores:
Bad news bears. 4-1
quit life for awhile.
BEST FACIAL EXPRESSION BY JOE CORVO
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Kovalev - offensive talent on the power play? we don't remember.
2. Kris Letang - survived teabagging 101
3. Zbynek Michalek - had an assist. party.
WEIRD BACK TO BACK GAMES IN TORONTO NOW.
Here’s a little interlude that I prepared for you while Consol was trying to find the light switch.
News from the North
Canadian media coverage tends to go as follows:
AKA Misery Loves Company
Now that’s mostly because I live in Southern Ontario. But there’s kind of a trend. Venture West and all you’ll hear is ‘Nucks. Head East and who fucking knows what’s said there because no one this side of Montreal actually speaks French, but I expect it focuses on the Habs.
But to hell with those deeply rooted, slightly insane, violently defended allegiances.
Dear GOD, something happened to Sid!
Canada is united, we are all Crosby fans.
The man is a national treasure, nay, national HERO.
You think I’m joking, but no. It’s all the more clear right now, when the CBC, and I think everyone else in Canada, is honouring the anniversary of the Olympics. (Sorry about that, by the way. I'm going to mention the gold though for just a second if you don't mind.) Before the games, there DID exist Canadians who could give or take the Kid, but no longer. In Canada, there is Gold and there is Failure, with no in between. No one has called him “The Kid” for a year now. He’s “The Golden Boy”.
(Maybe someday he’ll be a man and have a nickname that reflects his graduation from puberty.)
This is where I made the mistake of google image searching "Golden Boy" to find a nice photo of Sid. Instead I got a ton of some Hentai show.
So anyway, when our boy Sid is in trouble, everyone drops their shit. Needless to say, the Canadian Media has a new focus. The world is basically ending up in here.
It wasn’t so bad at first, but as the weeks go on, things are getting bleak. Initially, people were saying how fortunate his hot streak was, since it gave him some time to get better before coming back to rightfully claim every award a player can earn in one year.
But now it’s been almost 2 months and his season is slipping away. Like most Canadians, realizing that Sid might actually lose this season sent me into a tear filled panic attack. So, we’re turning to science. We’re already praying to God(Curry), but just in case, it’s good to cover all bases.
The media has been consulting sciencey types to try and make us feel better /strike us with crippling fear, depending on the angle of the story. We’re running out of experts. If you are in Canada and your Grandma’s cat’s vet once treated a concussion in a poodle, then you have already appeared in a newspaper, magazine, on the radio, or TV. We’ve now exhausted all knowledge on concussions, but this is CROSBY, so we’ll go make some more.
Yes, Sid’s injury is dictating our national research initiatives.
All other research can sit the hell down because we have other priorities. Fuck cancer, fuck erectile dysfunction, NOTHING is more important than Sid’s brain.
The University of Ottawa…
That’s Canada’s capital city, btw. Not Toronto. Toronto is the capital of Ontario. You just learned something. Unless, you already knew. In that case, Good Job!
So, the University of Ottawa spent I’m assuming millions of dollars of grant money to recreate Steckel’s hit on Sid.
It's SUPER sciencey.
Sorry I can't embed the video for you. Even Doctor Zoe, Last of the Time Lords couldn't manage it. So here's the link. Go look because the video gets all slow motion and like wwooooaaooh. It's black and white at the end too, so all in all very eerie.
It called Hits to the head: Scientists explain Sidney Crosby’s concussion. Note that they do not actually explain his concussion. A lot of articles are called something like that now because all we want to know is what’s wrong and when it will get better. No one knows such things, but the press likes to make you think they know and then let you down.
They did suggest that Sid's brain may have potentially looked something like this sorta. What the rainbow means, no one knows.
Still, as vague as that is, I find it disturbing.
The only immediate accomplishment from the study is that it proved that no other helmet would have protected Sid any better. In fact, they’re thinking that hockey helmets aren’t protecting against concussions much at all.
The real purpose of the study is to bring more info to Canada's first hockey safety summit that started today. I don't know how long this summit has been in the works, but wouldn't it make this post even better if they called it after Sid's concussion?
Anyhoo, apparently this research is exciting stuff. The article states, “No one else in the world is doing exactly this type and extent of research. To be sure, nowhere else in the world does it matter more than in a country whose undisputed sports hero has gone from bionic golden boy to one more broken pro athlete.”
It matters so, SO much! When it was suggested that Crosby may never be the same, I cried a little. As in actual tears. I blame this part of the article.
"Assuming Crosby does play again, and fans, competitors and sports analysts never notice a difference in his game, Cusimano insists the concussion will haunt him forever."
Fuck you Cusimano!! FUCK YOU!!!!1!
This must never EVER happen again! We’re examining all of hockey up here; from the NHL, down through juniors, to your 2 year old on your backyard rink who can only stay upright by using his stick as a third leg.
If hockey could do this to Sid, something must be wrong with hockey.
We’re learning how to fix brains, we’ll change the game if needed, and we’re even ready to make giant padded dome helmets.
Another strong possibility.
WHAT EVER IT TAKES
So, that’s your little insight into the mysteries of your neighbor to the North.
Game recap will be headed your way courtesy of Zoe. She's currently drinking away the memory of Patrick Marleau, so I would put the ETA somewhere tomorrow morning.
NEVER LOSING AGAIN
In ascending order of importance:
3. Nobody had Alex Goligoski picked in Hair League, so the transition should be pretty seamless. We will now be tracking instances of James Neal and Matt Niskanen hair as well.
2. James Neal and Matt Niskanen have arrived in Pittsburgh.
1. the Sharks/Pens game apparently means that Craig Adams will be having buttsex with Dan Boyle, while Patty Marleau looks on with interest:
Question for ya'll is, do you think he has the right angle? Jesus
Go to the Pens site before someone else notices.
We have no choice but to keep on rolling.
EDITED TO ADD:
MOST IMPORTANT THING
WHERE CAN WE GET IN LINE FOR SOME OF THIS
Rejean probably spent the morning tending to his theoretical trigger finger. That poised, calm hand of his picked up some phones today and got to work. We're familiar with shopping, but what we mean is we go to Target or Gabe's and make an impulse buy, or find the best apartment in town for the cheapest price, or know when we have found a decent price for upper bowl seats at bull riding.
Ray Shero? Somehow acquires James Neal and Matt Niskanen for Alex Fucking Goligoski.
Oh Alex oh Alex oh Alex. Even better defense and more points production wouldn't have saved you, probably. The Pens are in dire, dire need of more offense, and wingers who know how to make points happen are way more important than a d-man who is a beautiful skater, but has yet to achieve the confidence to run an attack from the blueline and pick his shot with care. See: Kris Letang, who will basically be Jesus once he remembers how to hit the net.
BUT ON TO WHAT WE GET:
James Neal is a LW with 21 goals this season. Bring it.
Matt Niskanen won't bring Goligoski's scoring touch or anything, but he's pretty solid back there. On a Dallas team that is in the playoff mix but has allowed way too many goals to be truly viable, he's only a -1.
We're basically giving him credit that he knows where he is supposed to be. Ktang and PaulMart on the PP is not a bad option. We haven't lost any significant amount of offense, and we've gained a more physical player.
We'll see what happens.
We wish Goose all the best and we miss him already.
The crying will commence once we remember what reality is.
Welcome to James and Matt. We'll be getting intimate with you shortly.
Do not trust skimming slash fiction to predict game performance.
If you want to get it right you have to actually read them.
If we had done that, we could have known. All of those stories? Happy endings (both meanings applicable.)
Thus, the Blackhawks actually came to the game happy and in love with one another, all problems resolved.
Goddamn our aversion to thoroughly reading shitty fanfics.
We should have seen this coming.
Before we get started, we'd like to mention this:
A new all-Pittsburgh sports talk station has been created.
Before you think this is too shameless, let us inform you that one of the hosts is Rick Tocchet, and if we all behave REALLY WELL, we may be able to speak with him.
So clean your rooms and take out the trash, because if this opportunity presents itself, we need to be worthy of it. We'll put a link up for it in the sidebar.
Now, without any further shameless promotion, let's have the awards.
MOMENT YOU REFUSED TO LET YOUR FAITH FALTER THIS EARLY IN THE GAME
MAF is on fire in the first half of the period.
It's looking just like you knew it would - our team thriving despite the gaping stab wounds.
HALLO, DO YOU HAVE SOME-ZING TO SAY? BECAUSE. I DO NOT THINK THAT YOU HAVE ANY-ZING TO SAY. NO?
Shortly after the magic is all happening, Jordan Hendry comes up with the perfect plan to distract our favorite flower.
He immediately sets to trying to shatter some glass, so that the shards will cover the ice in a festive rainbow display, distracting MAF, who - at moments - has the mental capacity and attention span of a raccoon.
He succeeds in messing up some glass, but not the way he would have liked.
Unfortunately, the very thought of what could have happened is filling MAF's head like a slowly inflating giant balloon.
Things get dangerous.
Pucks are flying and MAF is somewhere else.
Somewhere like this.
We can't blame him.
Toews, desperate to show us that he's good with more than just balls, passes the puck over to Sharp, who has this to say about the events that followed:
Little known fact: When men bang on the glass at the United Center, they are actually signaling to the players that their "services" wil be available to the players after the game.
B T DUBS BETTER GET SOME BLANKETS TO KEEP THOSE EXTRA SEATS WARM.
The experience puts MAF back into balloon-less reality.
He's all over the last part of the first, when the 'Hawks control the puck action for wayyyy too long.
We get on the PP towards the end and try to make up for what has been happening, but intermission snakebits it for us.
Half a powerplay is almost as useless as half a medallian - you can't even use it to escape the Temple Guards.
But we're in it to win it anyway.
Let's do this thing.
SECOND PERIOD HERO
After snapping out of the previous balloon animal haze, MAF is all prepared for what is to come.
MON PETIT CHOU HALLO I SEE YOU HAVE RETURNED TO ME LOLOLOL
A brutal number of shots are launched at our favorite puck-seducer, and he stands tall.
If we were still in Fayettenam, we'd have driven right down to the card shop boys to rub the second period in their Fleury-hating faces.
BIGGEST RELIEF / MOST AWESOME
With the score the way it is and the timer the way it is, we're not feeling too happy about it when Craigsy gets sent to the box for hooking.
Can it be?!
WILL IT BE A SUPERSTAR BREAKAWAY SHORTY?!?!?!
Seeing as Max Talbot scoring on a breakaway during a penalty is basically our favorite "FINISH HIM" moment, we're pretty excited to see him take off towards the other end of the ice, even if it is technically a 1 on 1. Following along, however, is recently-freed Matt Cooke, making it a 2-on-01. Talbot does something amazing, which is to say he displays some sort of patience, and passes the puck over at just the right moment for Cooke to be able to sail it into the net.
We're almost in tears.
It's the type of situation we invent in our minds when we get depressed, and here it is, happening in reality.
What lucky people we are.
This is all that happens in the second period, as far as we are concerned.
Tie or no tie, we leave this period feeling pretty fucking awesome.
Bryan Bickell, who the press wasn't even paying attention to, shatters the dreams of children everywhere by somehow putting a puck into our net in the first blinks of the third period.
This is what you did, Bryan Bickell.
I hope you are goddamn happy.
MOST TERRIFYING AND ADORABLE END TO REGULATION
MAF holds on like a hero for the rest of the period, stopping some things that we aren't quite sure science can justify his stopping.
With him holding it up at one end of the ice, we just pray that our ragtag team of pure heart and rookie bloodlust can put something into the net at the other end.
The wait as long as humanly possible, just to keep us on the edge of our seats, and finally Brett Sterling picks up TK's rebound and tries his damndest to escort it into the twine.
Our President is 12 years old, apparently.
We love it.
AWARD FOR SENDING THE MOST PEOPLE TO BED CRYING
The Flower is seriously all over overtime.
We can't get over this game being so close when he has been on fire all night.
He locks it down for five minutes, and then all we have to do is hope and pray for the best on the shootou-
OH SHIT WHO THE FUCK ARE WE GOING TO PUT IN FOR THE SHOOTOUT WHEN HALF OF OUR PLAYERS ARE DEAD?
We all start sobbing immediately.
Dupes and Tanger try their luck.
Luckily none of the Blackhawks have any luck eith-
SERIOUSLY THIS BLOWS YOU GUYS.
The President trys to match him, but his helmet is in the way.
We are distraught.
This is just. not. fair.
PENS 2, WORST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD 3
OUR NEW PERSON OF INTEREST
Bryan Bickell, that sonofabitch.
ALT THREE STARS
So this kind of blows.
But hey, this is hockey. Sometimes things get messy and you are playing with the bloody stumps of what your team used to be.
This is what being a Penguins fan is all about.
When we're winning the Cup in a few months we'll look back on this time and smile.
Because we are the Penguins, goddamnit, and we are Never Losing Again.
The bulk of this preview is under a cut, because like the Chicago Blackhawks team, it is full of manlove.
Nothing too brutal, just some nsfw samples from literary genius around the slashing communities and what we think they imply as far as gameplay tomorrow goes.
It's all very important.
Put on your fucking sunglasses.
Our second submission comes from Paul who called the Blingee process "cathartic."
personal favorite of the batch, by Aaron
Whole bunch of lovelies from PH Blingee Master, TP:
Despondent Ben Lovejoy is Despondent.
TK and the Ponies
possible band name?
From Hair League Connoisseur, Strudel aka Jessica:
Marc-Andre, the Drink of Love.
From the inimitable MouthGuard:
holy shit pink lightbulb.
We love it when you guys answer the call.
FURTHER BUSINESS DOWN HERE: