Yes, there was a goalie fight tonight and it was GLORIOUS. But you have to wait until the last 17seconds of the game, so hold your horses. And DON'T scroll down to the bottom of the post, you fucktards! Jeez, have a little patience.
So, I was pretty psyched when Zoe tagged me in for this game. I wanted to recap a win and she hands me the Isles. It was like destiny. Yes, we're down, what? 5 guys? But come on. We're on home ice and the Isles are 2nd last in the conference. So, with cautious optimism, I set to my blogging duties.
To start off, Jordo is playing. Take a moment to thank Curry and sacrifice that virgin you promised him. I didn't promise any myself, not for lack of Jordo love, but because I wasn't really worried. You take a look at that footage and Prust spins in the wrong direction. For serious. Staal hits him with a left, and Prust spins to his right. Pretend to hit yourself in the face with your left. Where does your head go? Not to your right.
Besides, who goes down from one gloved punch? Prust, evidently.
Well, moving on now, because this game is PACKED with goodies that I need to share with you.
THE BEST DiPIETRO PLAYED ALL NIGHT
TK opens up the scoring on a rebound from Martin. Kind of a soft goal on DiP's part, not heinous but still reminds you of how many MILLIONS OF DOLLARS he has sucked into his black hole of uselessness.
WHY DOES DP EVEN PLAY HOCKEY?
Kunitz comes into the zone with Dupes streaking to the net, so DiP cheats a bit, thinking Kuni will go for the pass. Wrong.
Kuni has scored a goal before. He acts accordingly.
Now this is a heinous goal. Kunitz nets it on the backhand, short side, from below the circle. That's a goal that should never be. Way to drag down your whole franchise, DiP.
ACKWARD/CHARMING MAN LOVE
Rupp throws down with Konopka, but after Rupp lands a few good ones, they man hug for a while. Maybe Rupp was trying to comfort him with gentle whisperings. Don't believe him, Konopka! He DID mean it and he probs WILL do it again! About the whole "You know I love you, baby." thing, I can't really speak to that.
Steigy and Errey try to make it less ackward by comparing the "in close" style of fisticuffs to old time boxing.
No one is comforted.
CBC conducted many MANY polls over the All Star Weekend, one of which asked the players which coach they would most like to play for. And who did they say?
THIS HANDSOME DEVIL
Yes, you! Silly.
Check it out here.
Side Note: The least desired coach is Ron Wilson. NO ONE wants to be a Leaf.
MOMENT YOU KNEW THIS WOULD BE A HIGHLIGHT ON NHL.COM IN UNDER A MINUTE
I don't really understand the interwebs, so you get a link.
DiP-shit is such a failure. It turned out to be hilarious, but it could just as easily have been sad if he'd fumbled it into his own net.
The rest of the game features little shooting, little scoring, and lots of close checking. It's frustrating. Especially for Talbo, who rings 2 posts. When you've gone 24 games without a goal, and 15 without a point, a post is like a hoof to the sack. Poor bastard. Atleast he's beating Kunitz, who has only hit 1 post tonight. Of course, Kunitz had a goal in the 1st...
Side Note: One of the bullet points in my notes for tonight says "I love Kuni. More than I should love a married man." Something in the 2nd inspired that. I don't know what he did, but I'm sure he is deserving of my adulterous affection.
Last minutes of play and DiP is where he belongs: not in the crease. Adams feeds the puck to Max, who misses the empty net. >:O GAAAhHAH
So much frustration.
But Adams isn't a quiter. At Harvard, He had discipline and work ethic beaten into him with a phone book. -no bruises :D-
So he tries again. Works hard to get the puck to Talbo, who...
Finally, he gets his 50th career goal and 100th career point. The crowd gives him a standing O cause they all know that this isn't any old empty netter.
At this point I'm thinking "Yeah, that'll do. I'm pretty darn happy with this game. 41 seconds to go."
But, OH. No, no. The night is not over. No, sir.
FREELANCE ASS KICKER
Cooke is cruising by DiP, close enough to get in his space and be a bit of a douche about the inevitable win, when DiP takes a shot at him. I would describe it as an attempted clothesline maneuver. So Cookie gets laid out and there's a big scrum in the corner. DiP is just kind of standing aroun, when he suddenly looks off, out of frame. He's looking at Brent Johnson coming to do business, the business of kicking DiP's ass.
Business is booming.
I don't even have to tell you how excited I was when I realized what was about to happen. That's because you felt it too. A goalie race on the weekend and now a goalie fight.
Truelly, Curry's light shines down upon us.
Granted, it lasted about 2 seconds, but that was part of it's charm. Brent landed 1 punch and DiPietro crumbled like Feta.
The Pens agree.
Here is the porn for you.
MAF steps in to clean up the last 16.5 seconds.
Blanked the Isles twice in 2 days.
1. Paul Martin : 2A, +2, 5 blocked shots
2. Craig Adams : ALWAYS a hero, plus he worked hard to help Max
3. DiPietro's posts.
Now go have sweet dreams of goalies kicking the shit out of each other. It's what MY dreams are made of.
Yes, there was a goalie fight tonight and it was GLORIOUS. But you have to wait until the last 17seconds of the game, so hold your horses. And DON'T scroll down to the bottom of the post, you fucktards! Jeez, have a little patience.
We're allowed to be pissed and talk about cutting people after tonight.
This is totally allowed.
The game got off to a great start, what with the Harlem Boys and Girls Choir tearing it up and Rangers fans screaming obscenities over the national anthem. We found out earlier today that Mark Letestu was injured in practice. Versus says it's a knee thing. Out indefinitely. Jesus Christ.
Dustin Jeffrey came to town. Without Crosby, Malkin, and Letestu, there was a definite question as to where the Pens' offense was going to come from. But you weren't really scared--just happy as hell that the All-Star Game is fucking over and real hockey is back into our lives.
So many things could have happened that didn't. And so many things that you didn't want to happen--they did happen. But: 2 points. And Philly got flattened by TB. Big time points in the division. We're still alive. We're kicking.
Here we go. It's not pretty.
BEST SHOT YOU EVER TOOK
You had probably noticed Beninati with the sick Staal brothers reference, but it was before puck drop. Luckily it doesn't take Beninati too long to bring it up again once play begins. That's one drink: the Staals are brothers.
MSG is fucking dark. As we all knew. This begins to be a slowly-developing metaphor for our souls.
Chris Conner takes the ice, and every time it happens, it's an instant scoring chance.
We looked hard for a picture of Chris Conner on the ice is this game, but the press is retarded.
Here he is back from when he played with Dallas, showing the expression that we imagine defines his entire existence:
MOMENT YOU CRINGED UNCOMFORTABLY AND PROBABLY CRIED
That shot becomes more important once Prust does some shit off of an assist from Polish Ex-Boyfriend Wojtek.
Pens get into more penalty trouble, but kill it. Sean Avery exists. The feeling of doom hasn't quite set in yet.
BEST TOPICS OF DISCUSSION!!!
- Sid's concussion
- the All-Star Game
- Beninati not understanding the phrase "wintry mix"
- Both Staals being on the ice (drink) (That's 2 drinks, folks.)
- TK sucking
All brought to you by Versus and the Pittsburgh Penguins and the NHL and Bettman's splooge.
Basically, intermission almost inspires a suicide pact. Jeffrey was creating shit there at the end of the period, though.
MOST QUESTIONABLE ESCALATIONS
The second period starting begins to have the bitter, metallic tang of blood. Cooke is yelling at people right off the opening faceoff.
Fleury is all over whatever comes his way. He is in control of all things.
Until Artem Anisimov shows up. Dude is becoming a serious Penguin killer.
it's 2-0 and a serious lovefest for the Rangers and their fans, who probably don't even know who Artem Anisimov is. Serious question: have you ever met a New York Rangers fan who wasn't trashed and yelling about Mark Messier?
But the Pens are still in this. First, Engo fights Prust, and Prust probably pees himself:
Pens then get a power play, and Dustin Jeffrey shoots a puck that finds its way behind Lundqvist by the grace of God.
That's 1-0. Then Talbot makes a play to Rupp, who goes straight to the net like a boss. 2-2 and it feels like it took no time at all. We're working hard, we're grinding this out.
Chris Conner appears hurt, returns, again by the grace of god. You thought Zbynek Michalek was going to score this game, and he almost did, until his big blast from the point gets redirected by Kunitz.
We're in the lead! Right? This is how we roll. . .
AND THEN GOD DIED
Brandon Prust throws an elbow in Jordan Staal's face, so Jordan Staal punches him in the head. Prust goes down like someone emptied an entire clip into him.
Look on Prust's face is dastardly.
Sure, Staal punched him. Give him a penalty. Hell, even give him the five minute major.
OH WAIT. THAT'S A MATCH PENALTY AND AUTOMATIC SUSPENSION PENDING REVIEW.
Because of a punch. Versus even went so far as to compare it to this dick move by Ben Eager:
Riiiiight. Exactly what happened. Staal clearly jumped him away from the puck and started punching him in the face repeatedly with zero provocation. RIIIIGHT. No, folks. This is a play that happens daily in the NHL. Someone gets their arms up during a puck battle, and gets a jab in the face as a result. Prust was fine. Jordan Staal, murderous beast that he is with such a rich and detailed history of violence, was obviously trying to hurt Prust beyond a reasonable doubt.
He must be thrown out of a game to prevent injury to other innocent players! He must learn a lesson that this is just Not What We Do in the NHL!
Bullshit. What Eager did is retarded. What Staal did happens, every goddamn day. Even if Prust did go down and wasn't faking. . .we are trying to figure out how this is a match penalty. Staal retaliated when Prust went up with his elbow? How have the majority of people not seen this? They got involved with each other. Staal didn't just skate up and start punching Prust down. Blown call. If you really felt that strongly about it, you could give him a game misconduct????? OR SOMETHING????
Anyone who says otherwise can deliver us their mouths, into which we will put Jordan Staal's sac. Metaphorically of course.
Oh, so: now we are without our top 4 centers. Oh, and Asham left the game with an injury too, so we're down a winger. HOORAY US.
The Rangers score on the subsequent major penalty before the horn sounds. So it's 3-3.
And did we mention? God died.
MOMENTS THAT WE BECAME GOD
Killed the rest of that penalty when the third started.
Then killed a delay of game penalty after that.
Fleury is on fire. All kinds of fire. Fuckin' Fiendfyre.
The boys get tired. They ice the puck, use their timeout.
KTang dumps some asshole's face into the boards, which is a penalty.
We kill that too. We kill it dead.
Somehow the game reaches overtime. And you get to take your third and final shot of the night when the words Brother Jordan are said. You'll need that and more for the shootout, which goes six rounds without a score.
Dustin Jeffrey, effectively the top skilled forward on the team at this point, finds the back of the net. Why it took Bylsma so long to call Jeffrey's number is beyond us.
And Marian Gaborik, believe it or not Versus: actually sucks and is neither a good nor a clutch player.
Fleury has his number.
Brandon Prust killed God, and the Pens came out on the other side.
aghjdlk PENS WIN
LEAST LIKELY TO
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Chris Motherfucking Conner
3. Brandon Prust's tears.
very short turnaround to Islanders tomorrow. Maybe we get Malkin? Who knows.
Proudest win of the season, founded solely on good defensive play, good goaltending, and keeping the Islanders to the outside as much as possible.
classic, and astonishing.
The All-Star Weekend has ended, and it leaves us with the same old question of "what were we supposed to take away from this, again?" It's nothing more than a party, and not even the biggest party that you're going to end up at this year. It's a small one, with not a lot of beer in the fridge. Fleury and Letang both received an inordinate amount of hair points. We lost track of their hair, so we made educated guesses. That's the numbers side of it. But what really did you feel and learn? What did you experience?
First of all, ASG Weekend is great for fans, who happen to be able to travel to the city in which the game is being held, for whatever reason, i.e. they had the money and could somehow get off of work. Maybe we'll understand this when we're older. And, you know, for the hockey fans in the host city, who generally deserve the event as long as it isn't being held in Montreal. Congrats, NHL. You really do us a solid.
Now, to a more important point. THESE ARE THE HEADSHOTS THE NHL DID THIS YEAR????????????????????
Are we getting our fucking senior pictures done in 1997?
Marc-Andre's is even more appalling:
this helpful tidbit is provided by Getty: EDITORS NOTE: A special effects camera filter was used for this image. O RLY. THESE ARE SOME REALLY SPECIAL EFFECTS.
OH MY GOD THE INDIAN HEAD IS GLOWING. BECKONING. IT MUST BE SOME KIND OF A SIGN. WE MUST MOVE TOWARDS THE LIGHT. . .
Is. . .is it on fire?
Wherever Jeff Skinner goes, the shining stars follow his joy.
Not even Henrik Lundqvist's Ken-Doll charm can make this look classy. In fact, you could probably crop this picture and say it is a still from an 80's porno. No one will be able to prove you wrong.
Ryan Kesler got to take two: one sassy, one happy. Let's do happy first:
Ryan, what are you so thrilled about today?
Oh, you want to smirk us into oblivion? We accept this fate.
David Backes is the answer.
Literally rolled out of bed and brushed the Cheetos off of himself. No shame.
You can really tell in Price's shot. They set up a stage light. And hung a jersey in front of it. Who got the go-ahead to produce these with that directive? Whatever your name is, sir or madam, you should submit your latest ideas to Tyra Banks, since they'd fit right in with an early season episode of ANTM.
AAAHHH CREEPY TWOFER. *shudder* It's like trying to fit your sons into a family picture.
Matt Duchene probably asked for extra prints of this to give to his family and save in the hope chest.
Finally, as we exhaust the interesting photos from this bunch, we come to Brent Burns. We had no idea who Brent Burns was, really, before the ASG. Now we know he is a defenseman for the Minnesota Wild which means we should probably hate his guts and hope he dies in an avalanche.
ACTUALLY FOLKS HE HAS A TINY DAUGHTER WHO WEARS TINY BOOTS AND IS TINY.
LOOK AT THE BIG BOW ON HER TINY HEAD.
AND HER TINY TINY HAND.
That is all.
Oh, yeah, there was some game. It was not very interesting. You can watch the full highlights here. Here's the best part:
Raises more questions than answers, honestly. Does Ovechkin care so little about the ASG that he decided throwing his stick would be funny? Did he just want to watch another penalty shot (as if ASG weekend didn't have enough shootout moves)? Or was he temporarily insane and thought that throwing equipment would somehow change the course of events in this very, very meaningful game? Honestly, it's almost as meaningful as the Winter Classic.
Mattie D didn't score, so everyone went home a little disappointed anyway.
Winter is gross this year, so we've gotten ahold of Cam early in the year regarding picnic planning.
He says it's a go.
Malkin skating, still snotty. Traveling to New York.
Cryptic Sid updates.
The Super Skillz thing in general is something strange in our lives.
How are we supposed to feel about this?
Are we supposed to be impressed by skills or amused or slightly embarrassed when grown men are forced to partake in a weird relay and attempt to make it funny?
We choose a healthy blend of all three, we suppose.
The winners of the ASG Super Skills really prove nothing, but hey, all in good fun. We get to see players with their kids and acting like kids and having fun with one another.
We will sign the papers to approve its existence in the coming years.
Let's take a look at what happened last evening.
Kris Letang opens for Team Staal, but we all know that we're not really rooting for a team at the skills contest. At least not for individual awards. We just wanted to make sure that Ktang could skate backwards faster than anyone else in the world. We didn't get that answer, but we do know that he can do it faster than Duncan Keith.
One mystery solved.
Moving on to other KTang mysteries:
Is the hair getting out of control?
So after a Penguins representative won the first event on the ice (obv) We move on to rookies, who are embarrassingly earnest about winning.
Michael Grabner beats Taylor Hall, everyone remains indifferent.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, someone learns to use the motion blur function on photoshop.
Then, as if to prove that this whole thing is a sham, we get to watch goalies race.
For a moment we were pretty sure that we were having that dream again.
But no, the NHL decided it should be a reality.
You can't even pick someone to root for in this situation, you just have to delight in the fact that someone above (John Curry) loves you and wants you to be happy because you get to watch goalies race, which is only one small step behind watching goalies fight. And when you get a good, fat goalie in the mix? This is like a hilarious birthday present.
As though it weren't enough that we got to see Timmy and Cam race, we got to see a goalie fall and struggle to get upright again, and no one got injured. If we could be assured that no one would get hurt, we would pay good money to watch goalies fall all day long.
Cam wins because he lays off the cheesy blasters on weekends and before games, but really we are the winners here.
Martin St. Louis takes on Ryan Kesler and wins, brother Steven beats the entire band Green Day, Mattie D beats the third-best Staal brother, and Michael Grabner beats Taylor Hall a final time to take the cake.
We were starting to get nervous at the beginning of the breakaway challenge. Everyone was wondering WHAT IS OVIE GOING TO DO NEXT?
Never have we been so proud of Sasha as when he shockingly didn't try to one up his last stunt, and instead did safely-bizarre things like everyone else. We didn't want to see him getting stuck in some endless cycle of what new and exciting thing he could do every year at the ASG Skills competition.
For the sake of modesty, we're glad he won.
Nice showing some restraint there, Ovie.
Is someone growing up a little?
We think we like it.
The accuracy shooting event was a debacle.
Possibly the most hilarious thing to see someone go through is "Come on, seriously, this isn't fair. But I can't act like I give a shit, or else I'm that jerk who took the Super Skills event too seriously. But come on!"
That faulty machine produced more conflicted emotions than we have ever seen in one hockey event.
One of the Sedins wins it.
(Fun fact, when reporting on the Sedins you have no obligation to know which one it was)
Team Staal is crushing the competition.
ASG drinking game next year? We think so.
The Skills relay is really kind of terrible.
It is easily the worst of all of the challenges.
We would like to take a time-out here, instead, and let everyone know things are sometimes hard for hockey players in the heat of things. They get confused and can't quite understand basic concepts, because their heads are too busy trying to figure out where to best make it rain next, how many bitches can fit into their hot tub, and exactly how the situation in Egypt is progressing currently.
So if you are asking for something from a professional hockey player, such as an autograph, make it easy for them (especially if that professional hockey player is Jakub Voracek MY GOD DOES HE HAVE A DIFFICULT TIME)
Take, for example, the "AUTOGRAPH HERE" boards these people brought-
WHERE DOES ZHEE AUTOGRAPH -
It's 21-11, Staal city after the event.
Hardest shot is where it gets interesting again.
While Rick Nash lets himself get beat by people we wouldn't even invite to our birthday parties, Zdeno Chara breaks the record with a 105.9 (the X).
As Zoe often reminds me in a strangely sexual voice, Zdeno Chara is 6'9.
This makes us root for him, as there is a weird desire to be in cahoots with an individual who is that tall.
This photo would be historic if a certain someone didn't have to be taking photos with his CELL PHONE ON THE ICE WTF.
Also, maybe we are underestimating how much of P.Kane's salary is controlled by his parents, something we should have looked into after his penny-pinching incident a while back.
Sir, it is two thousand and eleven.
Why the fuck don't you have a smartphone?
And finally, just as you were wondering what new movies are on Netflix instant view these days, the elimination shoot out comes to take us out of our misery.
Maf isn't in any of the nets, so we only half care, and that half-caring is rewarded when Rick Nash actually gets a goal, redeeming himself in part from his previous showing.
Corey Perry is 3/3 and wins the contest.
We had made a celebratory kugel for the winner of the event.
So there you have it, another year of Skills competitions out of the way.
We've almost burned through another All Star Weekend! Just think guys, a whole year of freedom before it strikes again.
Kind of like the yearly flu, only no one is nice to you and you have to make your own soup.
Try not to chew your arm off.
I ate a plate full of stomach-gnawing szechuan chicken at Quan's Kitchen on Comm Ave., and then something called a "chocolate blossom" which I highly recommend. It appears to be full of chocolate.
While I was sleeping off the ensuing raging tummyache, Eric Staal and Nick Lidstrom picked their teams in a "Fantasy Draft" for the 2011 NHL All-Star Game.
Here is NHL.com right now. Click for full-size. This is basically any sane person's reaction to anything, especially after sleeping through such a miraculous event.
We wondered who that high school freshman was sitting next to Brother Steven; then we realized it was Cammycakes and felt weird.
Here is the team that Lidstrom selected. Headed by a very large image of his head. That is probably trying to kill us:
CAPTAIN: NICKLAS LIDSTROM
ALTERNATE CAPTAINS: PATRICK KANE, MARTIN ST. LOUIS
Forwards: Patrick Kane, Martin St. Louis, "Brother" Steven Stamkos, Henrik Sedin, Daniel Briere (no, we will not call him Danny), Jonathan Toews, Brad Richards, Martin Havlat, Anze Kopitar, Matt Duchene, Loui Eriksson, Phil Kessel
Defense: Nicklas Lidstrom, Duncan Keith, Shea Weber, Dustin Byfuglien, Keith Yandle, Brent Burns, Dustin Byfuglien's ass
Goaltenders: Tim Thomas, Marc-Andre Fleury, Jonas Hiller
Rookies: Evgeny Dadonov, Oliver, Ekman-Larsson, Cam Fowler, Taylor Hall, Kevin Shattenkirk, Derek Stepan
Coached by: Peter Laviolette, Alain Vigneault
Everyone will wear blue and frolic in the sky.
Here's the other guys:
CAPTAIN: ERIC STAAL
ALTERNATE CAPTAINS: RYAN KESLER, MIKE GREEN
Forwards: Eric Staal, Ryan Kesler, Alexander Ovechkin, Daniel Sedin, Rick Nash, Patrick Sharp, Jeff Skinner, Claude Giroux, Corey Perry, Patrik Elias, David Backes, Paul Stastny
Defense: Mike Green, Zdeno Chara, Marc Staal, Dan Boyle, Kris Letang, Erik Karlsson
Goaltenders: Cam Ward, Henrik Lundqvist, Carey Price
Rookies: Logan Couture, Tyler Ennis, Michael Grabner, Jamie McBain, Tyler Seguin, PK Subban
Coached by: Joel Quenneville, Mike Haviland
Everyone will wear red, and frolic in the fire, or something.
WHO TO ROOT FOR
No one. Basically pick a player that you like and care about him as opposed to the rest of his team. On principle, we can't root for Team Lidstrom because of Patrick Kane, but they do have Timmy and Marc-Andre, which makes life hard. Despite the fact that it employs Carey Price and Henrik Lundqvist, we're going to have to go with Team Staal. Corey Perry? Why is he even an All-Star? Confused. Also, Subban still sucks. But we're running with it.
THIS IS SO PAINFULLY INCORRECT AND SHOULD BE TAKEN IN FOR SCIENTIFIC TESTING
KRIS LETANG'S HAIR:
SOMETHING WE JUST FOUND OUT, COMPLETELY UNRELATED TO THE ALL-STAR GAME
Back in September, Ovechkin and Kovalchuk led a charity game to raise money for children affected by summer wildfires. We'll allow it. What a nice thing to do.
Tomorrow is the vaunted Super-Skills competition and hopefully all the fucking beauty shots hit the stands.
Go Pens. You can root for them in shifts if you like.
The All-Star Break is upon us. The ASG is on Sunday. Sid and Evs are both going to miss it. 'Scuse us while we create a conspiracy theory about how Sid hates America and is holding Malks hostage in his dungeon of hate. DUNGEON OF HATE, PEOPLE~~~.
The most interesting thing aout All-Star Break is that Philadelphia finally caught up to the Pens in the games played column. Both teams have played 50. They have five more points than the Pens. If the playoffs started today, the Pens would have Washington. Every other series would be absurd. Especially Atlanta and Philly. But the stream of absurdity and IS THIS REAL FUCKING LIFE moments in the NHL this season would be nothing new. The storybook that was the first four years post-lockout for Pens fans has ended. Our identity must become about staying power, which doesn't make as good of a Hollywood film, but ought to bring us veneration. Especially if we stay on-track. Especially if Sid and Evgeni can both return to the lineup after break ends, or soon after. Staying power, people.
Hair league updates for all!
My personal call that Sid would be a sleeper pick due to the barrage of press that would be all up in his business during All-Star time seems to be a complete bust. If he's giving any interviews, he's going to be wearing a stupid hat, probably. Sweatpants city.
Hopefully he doesn't bore into our souls with this look anytime soon; Google image search trying to kill everyone:
All-Star festivities will be covered in classic snark fashion.
The portraits from All-Star Weekend are our version of Fashion Week.
Fuck New York.
This is especially apropos because our next 3 games are against New York teams when we get back from break next Tuesday.
We gotta own this runway.
I have made it back alive from my ventures.
Let me tell you something - there is not a lot of hockey in India. I got a lot of sad head shakes and looks of confusion when I tried to even explain what it was, as though the mere concept of it was so foreign that it was depressing to people.
Needless to say, I am glad to be back in a country where most people know hockey exists, they simply don't care.
But you guys do!
And that is why we are here.
So, maybe the Islanders haven't hit 40 points yet this season, and maybe they are only sneezing distance from the Debs. We have to make sure to win the games that we are supposed to win, and this definitely qualifies as one of those games. We can't really pretend like we always win such games.
We present a few awards this evening to make sure that our appreciation for such a weirdly hard fought game shows.
MOMENT YOU ALREADY WEREN'T QUITE SURE WHAT WAS GOING ON
In the first minute of the game you are still yelling at your friends to please grab you a beer from the kitchen because it has been a long day, etc. Before anyone knows what the fuck is happening, Tyler Kennedy loses his shit and Hamonic seems to crumple into wet tissue paper upon being touched.
TK wins without any question, despite the confusing mess that this cameraman captured in the throws of his obvious cocaine high.
It's already shaping up to be one of those games and the couch hasn't even warmed under your ass yet.
FIGHT THAT MOST RESEMBLED A GOOD OLD FASHIONED SCHOOLYARD BEATING
By minute two of the game the memory of TK's bout has faded and everyone is getting a little bored.
Curry, it has been an entire 87 seconds, can someone please do something?!
Mister Asham stands up in our moment of need and takes Konopka to town.
He finishes with the always hilarious jersey-over-head move.
We feel entertained. Thank you, sir.
THE SUPAHSTAH AWARD
Max Talbot steps out against the Isles in the first period after shaking off his weekend hangover - a job that normally takes until mid-Thursday.
We're not exactly sure what sparks his seemingly random bursts of energy and skillz, but we wish we could pinpoint it exactly and make it happen every night for the rest of eternity.
He doesn't put anything in the twine, but we know that he's giving it a damn good try.
Max Talbot: Hero to us All.
THE KIND OF BORING PERIOD
The second period is just a shooting contest between the Isles and the Pens. MAF does a gorgeous job defending his territory.
Unfortunately, Poulin is keeping up, and games like this are mighty nerve wracking.
MOMENT YOU KNEW WE HAD THE DEAL SEALED
Michalek shoots one from the point like he saw it in a dream - you know for a fact that it is going into the net.
That is, until it meets Mister Okposo's skate and ends up on top of the goal, in a freak twist of events that were really obviously supposed to end in our pulling a point ahead.
No photographic evidence exists, but they were kind enough to provide us with this glamour shot of Capuano. Feel free to let it haunt your dreams.
MOMENT YOU KNEW WE HAD THE DEAL SEALED II
Craigsy manages to throw in a puck that was wild around the net.
All of a sudden this game is all about keeping it away away away away from out net.
A few penalties in the final minutes of the game try to make it interesting, but as the clock winds down you get the very distinct feeling that this is a Penguins win.
And it is.
KEEPIN' IT COOL
Jack Capuano does not have excellent control of his facial expressions.
So, maybe not the most exciting of games, but a hockey game none the less, and we're always stoked for a good ol' shutout.
Now we take a little bit of time off from the regular season in order to spend time wondering what asinine things Ovie will do in public this year, and wondering exactly how much we will decide to care about the ASG this time around.
We're sure no one will disappoint.
When we get back, we're never losing again.
As if that wasn't obvious.
Sid is having problems doing normal-person things, like watching television and driving a car.
So basically, the world is falling apart. No clue what's up with Gene, either. Literally.
I don’t have an update on Geno, he’s going to see the doctor. He’s probably there right now, so I don’t have an update on Geno. That’s where that stands. I’ll get (an update Tuesday) probably.
With issues like this going on, every game is big. And we're playing the Isles. Matt Moulson is their leading scorer. Still. We think. Hold on, checking:
No, it's Greasy Boy Canada. We're officially in trouble.
Home game. We have a slight advantage. Maybe. And Dustin Jeffrey in our hip pocket. And Chris Conner's balls in everyone's faces regardless of how the rest of the team is playing.
AND ERIC GODARD IS SKATING THANK GOD:
Really, we're not telling you anything you don't already know. But there's no good news for you. Everyone is just trying to figure out when we'll have our franchise players back again and when there's no news, unfortunately this time it isn't good news.
And we're playing the Islanders.
Bring the hate?
If you want to feel bad about today, you can feel free to note that the Flyers and the Hawks played today, the Flyers won, and it marked the return of Sunday matinee broadcasts to NBC. cocks
That is the worst thing about the late postseason in football. THE WORST. And then after the Super Bowl it gets even worse. NBC is a disaster. Moving along.
For some reason, all the press was out at the Pru when the Pens were there, and all the pictures are just coming to light:
Jordy is pretty.
this is Mark Fayne. We've never heard of him but he is definitely undressing something with his eyes.
Marty is trying to get his second stomach to stop digesting so hard.
This is approx. the face that KTang would make if you told him he was getting free coffee, or that the NHL was finally making suits that cling to your body.
Chris Conner is pretty.
Imagine Tyra Banks critiquing this photo, and spend the rest of the afternoon dying.
Mattie skates with purpose.
Are you there God? It's me, Brooks. Can you tell all the people I'm trying to kill that I'm sorry.
KTang is angry.
MICHAEL RUPP IS SO SCARY, HOLD US
Anyway, extra-special thanks to everyone who joined in with us last night. We are big fans. We want your autographs.
We actually had to go to the Pens site to remember who we play next. Isles, Tuesday.
Crosby and Malks are likely out for the All-Star Game, says Rob Rossi, as he touches himself.
Over-under on fluid ounces of splooge produced by Rossi when he decided to use "oft-concussed" in the article.
Molinari of the PG touched on this in his Canes recap and doesn't make us want to cross his face out with red pen.
Well, the day of destiny has arrived fairly quickly, and the only questions left involve the viability of the Penguins without Crosby and Malkin in the lineup, and how kind Steiggy and Errey will be on our livers. Chat opens at 6:30pm EST.
We have additionally reproduced the drinking game rules below, in case you need help. Edited to be played with just a mixed drink as opposed to shots, since we're not seeking the joys of getting completely and utterly wrecked this evening:
PUCK HUFFERS OFFICIAL STAAL BROTHER DRINKING GAME RULES
Drinking begins at puck drop. If there is anything during pre-game, you're just going to have to bite your tongue because you at least want to generally remember the game, don't you? Well, maybe not. But we kind of want to know the result without having to check NHL.com tomorrow morning.
One drink to be taken if:
- it is mentioned that the Staals are brothers
- if it is mentioned that there are other Staals, not present, who are also in the NHL
- if a phrase such as "sibling rivalry" is used
- if it is pointed out that BOTH STAALS ARE ON THE ICE
- if anyone mentions the sod farm
- if any random facts are introduced about the present Staals or the Staal family
- if the Staal parents are mentioned
- if any Staal reference occurs that would simply not occur in a one-Staal game
Two drinks to be taken if:
- a comparative Staal brother graphic is shown on the screen
- if they are verbally compared AT LENGTH by the announcers (use your own discretion in deciding what "length" is)
- if a video clip of the brothers/family is shown
- if an interview with a Staal brother happens at intermission (add an additional drink if the Staal brother is asked anything about playing against his brother
- if the Staal parents are in attendance (this cancels out taking a single drink if the parents are mentioned, but not if they are mentioned separately from the fact that they are in attendance)
Drink at will if:
- there is an intermission feature on the Staal brothers
- there is a mention of a Staal on Staal play, such as a Staal delivering a crushing check on another Staal, or a Staal being stripped of the puck by another Staal
- if the game is over and the team you were rooting for shit its pants
Stop if you feel sick/want to stop. We will not be held responsible for any shit that happens to you playing this game. You play at your own risk, kids.