Hair League page has received its updates.
Brent Johnson has overtaken Pascal Dupuis as the lead point-getter.
Dude never wears a hat when he's on the bench. We questioned those of you who picked Beej at the beginning of the season, but he is proving to be a surprise hair prospect.
Every game we get a shot of him on the bench? 10 points.

Or anytime there is a good photo of him.
Would you like to do some coloring?  Click for a little bigger.

Color in full (fun tip: INSERT AN EXCITING BACKGROUND; why else do you think we make it white?) and e-mail to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. .

Also let us know if we missed anything major Hair League-wise.  Yuengling and vodka made sure we were somewhat disoriented this Thanksgiving weekend.

Something we forgot to mention about the CEC experience last post: someone should get those poor ice girls t-shirts that fit.  We are concerned about their working conditions.

GO PENS.

ETA: HOW THE BALLS DID WE NOT KNOW ABOUT THE CLUTTERSTACHE.  Maybe it's something we weren't meant to know.

Jesus

OH HEY, look at what team is currently the hottest in the NHL after raising all kinds of uncomfortable questions about consistency!
But, we could just enjoy this for what it was, which is: a pure win on a pure day. We woke up to snow. We drove to Pittsburgh with sandwiches and our toes basically froze off getting tickets and having good conversation with Rush Line Friends. But it was clearly worth it:







There were some shenanigans of interest.
The Flames kept attacking the Pens at random moments. Regehr notably tossed Ktang into Fleury in a fit of ill-advised rage.



And Engelland dropped some joke.

This was our first experience at CEC, by the way. Our verdict is that it's amazing.
Except the lack of shady concrete wall above the players' lot so you can jeer the visitors' bus and inspect the tailoring of everyone's dress pants.
And, you know, cheer and see the boys without being in it for the autographs.

RIP The Wall At Mellon Arena.

Other than that, and maybe a little too much Ryan Mill, nearly flawless arena experience. Can't go wrong with a hat trick. Around half the present fans stuck around for Sid's postgame interview with Potash and they were nearly far too loud for it to continue. His huge, goofy smile and muttered "thank yous" were all you needed to know. Dude's on cloud nine. He's 23, he's the best at what he does, and Brother Steven is slightly behind him in the points race. Things are looking up for the Pittsburgh Penguins. If only they could get the Wall back. Then everything would be perfect.


Gene played great. He's about due for an explosion of awesome.

You know that as soon as they pulled Kiprusoff Crosby'd be on the ice, by the way.

Oh, the spirit of competition.

We love hockey season.

GO PENS.

If anyone was wondering where we were, Pinnacle found us about midday, wondering the streets naked and mumbling something about a mission involving a $3 toaster that we did not accomplish. It took us into its loving arms and caressed us back into warmth and happiness with a side of root beer.·

If ever we are missing, be sure the cause is alcohol related.·
In some cases, sex. In many, both.

Anyway, back at the ranch, safe and sound, we got to watch MAF block 43 shots, "like a boss" if this were 2006 and kids were still saying that.

And if you were still down on the MAF, he went and scored all ya'all who went with him on your hair league teams some major points:

Malkin and Crosby pulled together some old school shit, and if some lucky man finds out about daylife, he's going to have an awesome photo for the albums. Seriously, someone find this guy and let him know this picture exists.
·

And, of course, Go-Go saved the day in a very close-call situation, and the press was nowhere to be found.

So anyway, tomorrow's game we're hoping to be at, if we can drag ourselves out of bed early enough to get our asses down to the arena in time. If you see us, give us a shout, but not too loud because Pinnacle is a brutal lover. If you don't see us, honor our presence by doing something dangerous and ill-advised, like trying to hijack a zamboni.

Hope everyone's doing just fine and that no one got beat down by a soccer mom today.
Keep on enjoying those leftovers, knowing you're celebrating the genocide of my people. 
Jerks.
But really, you can't argue with time off...

Go Pens.

Oh look, yesterday was Thanksgiving, the Pens literally play in like 10 minutes.
We are thankful for, among other things, stampedes at big box stores on Black Friday in Fayette County. And people from high school, not to mention people from college, who still update their Facebook statuses with Fight Club quotes. And Rob Rossi's sweaters.
We're probably going to be on-hand for the Flames game tomorrow.
The goal for today is to just avoid the flying semen, as usual.

Go Pens.

There really isn't a ton we can say about this game. Pens had a dominant first period, kind of fell off, Sabres took the fuck over.
If you Google the babySwede that the Sabres started in goal, Google initially believes that you have typed incorrectly and meant to search for:

The Jonas Brothers.
Also Comrie played tonight because of his dad. Cough.

No clue. Not a lot to say about tonight, because not a lot happening. But I mean, I guess we can roll out the red carpet. I guess.

MOST FAIL
We miss most of the first period of the game because FSN's truck had a power outage.
In our minds, Ryan Miller probably snipped the power cord or something and then went out back to smoke a jay and listen to Arcade Fire on his iPod.
Gaustad was a thug, attacked Malkin and tried to fight Talbot. Totally random.
And the press, for some reason, had a major crush on Colin Butler whose name was not said once this evening:

WHO ARE YOU.

In general, nothing really is happening.

SOLE GLITTERING MOMENT OF HOPE
At some point in the last 5 of the first period, Tyler Myers goes for a sandwich.
Sekera totally forgets that the puck is important. Lets Crosby take it in the vicinity of the goal line. Quick pass to the slot, where Pascal Dupuis is racing in on Enroth completely undefended.

Well would you look at that.
1-0 Pens.

BIT OF TRIVIA YOU ARE LEAST LIKELY TO FORGET

Tyler Myers is 6'8". Bob Errey reminded us approximately five hundred times.
He also watches Desperate Housewives.

MOST INTERESTING CONVERSATION
Bobby: The National Hockey League has made this building so cold. . .it's really not enjoyable anymore.
Steiggy: THANK GOODNESS FOR THE HOT CHOCOLATE BOBBY YOU HAD DURING THE INTERMISSION

Meanwhile people are attacking each other viciously on the ice. Honest to god nothing is happening. The most interesting thing ever was at second intermission when Potash finished a segment and then went "WHEEE"

BEST EXISTENCE ON DEFENSE
Everyone in the third but especially Fleury since the Sabres didn't score.

Engelland makes some amazing play on Pominville to prevent a goal. There are no photos. All heroes this game are unsung.
Pens have ridiculous difficulty getting pucks out, and it's crunch mode. You imagine coming home to Rick Orpik after a bad turnover in your mite game and you see the tired eyes, the piercing stare. You really don't want this to happen. But the Sabres are pissed and they want everything. We're flat. We're we're we're


SHUTOUT.
PENS WIN
1-0
ttyl

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

YEP, STILL A COCK COZY

Thomas Vanek

PRETTIEST

KTang. . .
extremely disinterested girl behind him has no idea what's going on.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS


1. Deryk Engelland. A for Effort.


2. Pascal Dupuis and this awkward picture. Since he scored the goal and all.

3. MAF OBVIOUSLY. because I mean he deserves all the stars.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. We will express what we are Thankful for as people.

Also, Milk.

GO PENS.

In marry, fuck, or kill, we would:

MARRY

Sir Mario. Because really, why wouldn't you?  You realize that if you killed him, you're committing a heinous religious offense, right?


Ruutu. Because he would take us to metal concerts and would probably be cool with us screwing other people from time to time.


McCabe. No particular reason, other than he wears a C, and that might be cool.

FUCK

Sid. Because we're not sure he's dicked anything that isn't named Lord Stanley, and that's fucking purity right there.


Miikka. Oh god something about this would be so good.


Vokoun. We are pretty sure Vokoun is a robot which might be exciting.  Also his eyes are really pretty in this picture.

KILL

LeUnicorn. Well, for purposes of the game, we'd try, but chances are teenage girls and middle-aged men would be standing between us and the goal.  He'll probably live.  Let's be honest.


Teemu. Could have been a game-changer if he didn't have the mustache this season.


Hordichuk. Because we do not, repeat: DO NOT, support the ragged edge of those breezers.

See?  That wasn't so bad, was it?  Sabres tomorrow--and guess what, we get to watch on TV!

Happy Thanksgiving and Curry Bless Pittsburgh and Un-Bless everywhere else.

GO PENS.

There is never a time when the Penguins venture to BankAtlantic center that we aren't amazed it's still there.
You'd think someplace so absurd and unlikely would have been excised from America and dropped straight into the unforgiving seas.
Nope, let's check. . .

Ugh. It's still there.

FSN introduces us in media res with shots of fine, white sand beaches and gorgeous sunshine. We then proceed indoors, to the arena itself, which is apparently fucking freezing.
The college IT department in which I am currently working a midnight shift is approximately 85 degrees and I am in a wool sweater since it is fucking November outside, people.
I'm sweating and I can barely see straight. Let's get down to business.

MOST (AND THEN CONVERSELY, LEAST) LOVE
The Pittsburgh Penguins, what with their dad's-trip-ness.
You are just overwhelmed with adorableness and thinking about how Marvin Kunitz looks like he sells hoagies at the corner store, and blah blah blah.
30 seconds into the game, my illegal free stream of the game dies and I start whining on Twitter about it.
But apparently some Panther ran Fleury and the Pens were on the power play and they scored like 5 seconds in. Crosby to Martin to Letang. Unicorn explosion.

1-0 Pens.
I would describe it to you, but it was almost like, you had to be there.

MOST FRANKENSTEIN MOMENTS
Eric Godard takes some penalty for skating into Vokoun, but it's not like he knows any better, or like Vokoun isn't even a robot. He was probably straight-legging around like some kind of science experiment gone wrong.

Vokoun is nonplussed.

MOST UNEXPECTED SUCCESS
The Pens manage to get on the power play again. Vokoun misses the departmental memo and starts flipping through his favorite porn bookmarks on his netbook while Sid ends up in the slot.
Vokoun finishes. So does Sid.

This looks like a blown-up background activity from somebody's last known photo on CCTV. Or possibly something out of a Where's Waldo book. Just crushing composition.
2-0

MOST AROUSAL
At this point I switch to the X and find out that Stillman scored with 35 seconds left. I don't really care because the X is catching up with William Thomas at intermission. Ladies:

Okay, so, that's an old picture lifted from William Thomas Wednesday in which we actually compare his stats to those of Brother Steven Stamkos.
No comment.
But while my panties are in a pool on the floor, listening to that poor boy talk about how he likes working for the Panthers because "they use the same system up and down the organization", the real world is gearing up for the second period.
The temperature in the IT department rises to 90 degrees. BILL THOMAS COME HOME.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY A TRAFFIC CONE THIS EVENING
I am scrambling trying to figure out what is going on in the wake of Bill Thomas existing and Internet feeds letting me down. I hear a static-riddled message come down the line that Bylsma has used his timeout on an icing call.
It isn't much longer until Bryan McCabe scores.

Dmitry Kulikov comes down from the mountain troll village in which he lives to congratulate. On the way down, he asked us for some Rice Krispies treats.
We said no.
2-2

WORST POWER PLAY
This one goes to the Panthers. This is a real award, too--we didn't have to make it up.
Penalties are going quickly because the Panthers suck.
With the PK momentum Crosby in is in Kill Everyone mode, setting up Ben Lovejoy for one-timers that he can't possibly accept passes for and just generally wrecking the universe.

BEST SECURITAS OFFICER
The rest of the second period is a mystery to me because I have to go help a security guard named Manuel with his computer.
But, the Pens didn't get scored on and create Chernobyl while I was gone, so it must have been good luck.
Everyone give it up for Manuel.


BEST FARM TEAM MOMENT
The third starts with epic amounts of flailing by both teams. No one can get the puck. Every moment spent in every zone is a disaster waiting to happen. Reasoner comes out flying, but doesn't make anything in particular happen, because he's Marty Reasoner. Repik takes some kind of penalty, and then Ktang gets away with interference chasing after a loose puck, or so the six screaming Panthers fans thought as the penalty started to wind down.
It expires but the Pens don't care. Vokoun drops his netbook. He lies down on top of a puck. He wishes his dad were here.
Fleury is keeping the Pens in it. Nobody is breathing.
Then Letestu and Conner come down the right side like they are on a pond or some shit.
Conner puts it in.
Garth Letestu and John Conner probably hug somewhere.

Unreal kids' mouth in the top left corner.

AND PONIES FOR ALL. 3-2

BEST CZECH MOMENT
Pens take some penalty late in the game.
Craig Adams and Brooks Orpik are on murder patrol while Adams doesn't even have a stick.
Michalek doesn't care about Frolik and gives the best block ever. The Czech defense is like a pregnancy.
We're busy mocking the Panthers' PP because it's like making fun of obese people in high school. But at least the Pens' PP did shit tonight so we have room to talk.
Period winds down. Everyone is dying horribly. Along the boards, around the net, in the corners. Vokoun is out of the net, but we can't give it any more love.
David Booth attacks Sidney Crosby because he can't handle being alive anymore.

But our work here is done.
PENS WIN.
3-2
Feels like a normal regular season win ought to feel and we didn't even scream too much or try to kill ourselves.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS
RUNNER UP FOR BEST CZECH MOMENT/BEST RESULT FOR "PITTSBURGH PENGUINS PANTHERS" ON DAYLIFE.COM

The Jagr Starter Jacket.

TWO VOTED MOST LIKELY TO BE STARING STRAIGHT INTO YOUR SOUL

Marc-Andre Fleury and Max Talbot

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Garth Letestu - for producing Mark Letestu
2. William Thomas - please come home
3. Zbynek Michalek - thanks a lot boo bear

Sabres on Wednesday.
Tomorrow is a Travel Day.
Our own reasoning for Marry, Fuck, or Kill choices will be presented concisely with references and a bibliography (except not).

GO PENS

Welcome to the first official rounds of Marry, Fuck, or Kill:
The PH Version.

Here are the rules, for those of you unfortunate enough to have missed this in the back of the junior high school bus.
We present you with three individuals and you must choose which you would marry, fuck, or kill. Simple enough.
The selections are intentionally difficult. Traditionally the selection consists of three people who are beloved by all and you must select which you would hypothetically kill, three disgusting humans and you must figure out which you could stomach to marry or make sweet love to, or three individuals who are ambiguous in worth and you must carefully justify your seemingly random decision.

Dudes, you are welcome to play.
In fact, if you don't, you are probably a closeted homosexual.
If you are in fact a closeted homosexual, we suggest today be the day you show the world who you really are by picking the hockey player you'd most like to bang.

So, let's get this started.
(We're going to use recent photos, as using the best old ones seems unfair. PREPARE YOURSELVES.)

ROUND ONE
PITTSBURGH PENGUINS

Sidney Crosby

Kris Letang

Sir Mario Lemieux

ROUND TWO
THE FINNS

Teemu Selanne

Jarkko Ruutu

Miikka Kiprusoff

And, in honor of tomorrow's game
ROUND THREE
THE PANTHERS

Bryan McCabe

Darcy Hordichuk

Tomas Vokoun

Now, leave your selections and guilty explanations in the comments so that we can mock one another for our terrible decisions.

Also, the hair league has been updated so you can go check out how your team is doing and pray to the follicle gods to bless you with great bounce and shine. Also, in case you haven't seen this hilarious article that we stole the Sid picture from, here's the link. It's been out there for a while, but we like to make sure you guys don't miss things, just in case.

We hope that everyone's weekend is awesome.
Go Pens.

Before we get started here, it is important that we point out:

The Staals; They are bothers. If we had been playing the Sutter Drinking Game, we wouldn't have lived to tell this tale.
Now that we've got that cleared up and out of the way, let's continue on with the show.

MOMENT YOU BARELY REMEMBERED BY THE END OF THE GAME BUT MAN WAS IT SHITTY WHEN IT HAPPENED

Everything looks like a normal game. We're in the Canes end, livin' it up, Steiggy is talking about complete nonsense of hockey days past, the press interns are off getting coffee for their bosses in the box. Everyone is completely unsuspecting when in an instant the puck is on our little slice of the pie, and 42 seconds into a game, Sutter puts it in almost effortlessly. It's a clean shot, it's a pretty show, and lord knows it was a horrifyingly depressing shot. 

Oh God. 

This is going to be what happens?

Press hasn't caught up with the game yet, but we can't blame them, because we're still burrowing in the fridge for the least warm can of those PBRs we put in there 5 minutes ago.
The new Joomla editor comes pre-loaded with a folder simply titled "food." 
We'll be using those free images when press misses their call of duty. 

Mr. Sutter, you will heretofore be referred to as "milk."

Shortly after this goal, the team seems to take out all of its frustration on Skinner.
TK and Engelland team up to give him about 10 seconds of absolute hell.  
Good job boys; no one is innocent when the other team scores in the first minute.
Give 'em your worst.

MOMENT YOU WERE GLAD YOU DIDN'T TURN OFF THE TELEVISION IN THE FIRST MINUTE

Don't get us wrong, we'd never turn off a game to save face, save that one time in the 2009 playoffs when Detroit was killing us in a game and we decided to leave the house in the second period, drive two towns over and listen to Mike Lange call the game from a Dairy Mart parking lot.
But there is some part of us that knows it would be deeply satisfying to turn on a game, see the other team score, and be able to just turn off the television and call it a night.
But we don't. Because that game may end up being this game.
MAF has redemption on his mind
He makes some sick saves, including one on Corvo that everyone was pretty certain was hitting some net.
He holds back the forces until everyone gets it together.
Eventually, it pays off.

Malkin makes a sick pass to Kuney, who promptly puts it home.
Malkin gets homesick, decides to join the puck.
He's cute, so no one tells him it doesn't count double.
Tie game for most people, but we let Malkin think we've pulled ahead.
A few minutes later we distract him with cake and tell him the Milk scored again.
This gets him angry.

THE STATE OF THE UNION AWARD 
Everyone realizes that it is the job of the President to ensure national security.
When it comes to the Pittsburgh Nation (est. 1758, when Pittsburgh was officially named a separate entity from the United States and allowed to govern itself free of influence from the national government and other, more terrifying places such as Philadelphia and California as a whole)  Mr. Kennedy is here to protect us. 
About two and a half minutes after Kuney ensures the tie, Mr. President nails it home.
We know we're supposed to use the food folder, but for this one, let's bring back a classic:

Presidential Service.

BIGGEST THREAT TO HOMELAND SECURITY
Not too shortly after the Nation has secured itself once again, things get chippy on home ice.
MAF makes some good efforts, keeps the puck outta the twine.
Then, wrong place at the wrong time, Dwyer chips it in over MAF's shoulder.

We guess his mother didn't tell him his face would freeze that way.
We asked her to remind him last night.  
As we were leaving.
Her house.
Cause we fucked her.

MOMENT YOU THOUGHT IT WAS 2009
The same beautiful puckwork and recovery and willpower and love and tenderness and hard work we showed Dywer's mother showed up mid-second period. 
The teamwork was truly inspirational as Cooke, Michalek and Malkin work to beat the puck into submission (like we did to Dywer's mom) and although their artwork didn't end up in the net, Sidney Crosby isn't on the ice as a showpiece; he knows how to pick up trash.
He takes all that hard work and escorts it into the net.

We haven't seen teamwork that gorgeous for a while.
Such pride.

GOAL WE DON'T CARE TO REMEMBER SO WE WON'T

Someone's got jokes. 
Ha ha ha mister funny guy.

LUCKIEST WHISTLE 

Crosby, Malkin, and Kuntiz do it again, this time in a slightly messier fashion, letting the puck fly in as the whistle blows nearly simultaneously. 
If we were betting women (we are) we'd have wagered there was a good chance this wasn't going to cut it (we lost $10).
That shows us for doubting our team.
Luckily this was the nail in the coffin.
No way we're giving up another goal when we're leading in the thi-

THE OH SHIT AWARD 

Jokinen can only be displayed as carb-based items.
It's not even our doing, it's a system error.

THE MOMENT YOU COUNTED YOUR LUCKY STARS
 There were two, to be precise.
 

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd it's ours.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

MOST APPROPRIATE DISPLAY OF EMOTIONS

Keepin' it classy and not full of rage and spite at all. 

ALT THREE STARS

1) MAF
 
For bringing the appropriate amount of dramz, and for getting back into it one step at a time. 
Also, shootoutz r hard.
Just ask Justin Peters.

2) Danny Boy's tie

Niceeeee.

3)  The food folder

For bringing delights. 

So, it was a hard game to watch and a fun game to watch and in the end, it brought out everything that we love about hockey. We look forward to more games like this in the season, so that we can scream and flail and generally make the people in our lives terrified of watching hockey games with us.
We hope the people in your lives are fearful as well.

Tomorrow we have a fun game comin' at you, possibly a new Sunday feature, depending on how you guys feel.
Stop buy and give it a look, it demands your input.

Kisses. Enjoy.
Like we did Dwyer's mom.
Go Pens. 

There was no reason for you to be.
There might have been something in the air, a sour tang you could smell, like electrical tension, like a potential nuclear disaster.
But the Penguins didn't let it happen, somehow.
Real hockey was played in Pittsburgh last evening.
It deserves to be recognized. We were saved from certain doom.

MOST CREEPY OBSESSIONS WITH TWINS
The Pittsburgh Media.
Before the game even starts, Potash is in the locker room, all like SO HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT GOING UP AGAINST TWINS.
You could have played a Sedins Are Brothers drinking game but you probably would have ended up gasping faintly in an ICU for the rest of your life. No but really. They're twins. DID YOU KNOW.

They know.

WORST OMENS

Jimerson doesn't come out for the anthem, and your life takes a turn for the worse. What could happen next?

BEST DESCRIPTIONS BY BOB ERREY TO GET YOU THROUGH THE PERIOD
Ryan Kesler is "huge." Let's examine:

. . .okay, Bob, we'll give you that one.
Roberto Luongo is a "polar bear."

. . .suuuuuuuuuuure. Polar Bear. We get it? We think?

Adams and Bieksa fought. Yawn

Canucks, meanwhile, have a million giveaways and nothing happens. It's just another occasion to talk about the Sedins and to mention Luc Bourdon because we haven't cried enough this week.
Steigerwald is all: BELIEVE IT OR NOT HENRIK IS 6'2" AND DANIEL IS 6'1" SO THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO.
Thanks, Paul. Thanks a lot.

BEST PENALTY
Sid slips the referees $20 each and a gift certificate to Century III Mall so they'll call him for holding the stick. Obviously.
Out of the box, Sid gets the puck and opens up Luongo like a new bag of Veggie Crisps.


Between the blocker and the pad, haaaay.
GOLD MEDALS HRRRRR
1-0 Pens.

Everyone is happy. Max has his war face on:


PENALTY THAT IS CLEARLY RIVALING THE BEST PENALTY
Mike Rupp decides to be a cannibal and attack people. "Boards" Dan Hamhuis for being a cunt.
Canucks have a million chances. Talbot gets like his third 2 on 1 with Matt Cooke or something.
Shoots, gets it back, brings it back around for the. . .wraparound?
Oh, Roberto.

Again, everyone is happy. Their faces betray a joy that could be crushed at any moment. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH THIS LEAD.

This is especially funny because it happened due to an egregious missed chance on an open net by a Sedin. OoOOOOH.

LEAST EXPECTED HAPPINESS
Canucks make another hilarious giveaway and Malkin and Asham go to the net.
Asham got a stick on it. But Malkin saw it go in and was flipping shit like it was his birthday.

3-0 Pens. Okay. brb.

WORST
5 seconds later Hamhuis is the Worst Person.
But it doesn't matter. It matters so little. So little that there are no pictures.

LOLEST

When Roberto fell down. lolololol. You know, the one time when it was the funniest because he did it a lot.

MOST MOMENTS OF BEING KEPT IN THIS

Marc-Andre was Solid.
The Canucks defend an empty net with vengeance, but it's not the same as fucking winning, is it?
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
PENS WIN.
3-1
ALL RIGHT

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS
DESERVED AT LEAST A POINT

Poor Malks had his assist taken away. So Sad.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Matt Cooke - for ruining people's lives, and 1 assist.
2. Brooks Orpik and KTang - for 5 blocked shots each
3. Chris Conner

Is 5'8" and has more hustle than you.

Things got good.
We're debuting a new PH Activity soon. Get excited.

Go Pens.