This post is live from the Starbucks on Carson, where I just saw a pack of girls in Mike Green jerseys.
Sangria-induced nightmares were had last night about Mike Green making big defensive plays.
How do we deal? Is Pittsburgh even ready for this?
It's moments like these when you realize the incongruity. The city of Pittsburgh is often thrust onto a world stage, with no real representation of the city as a whole. The residential street you partied on last night, the church you threw bottles at, the sort-of-shady grocery stores you love to shop at, the diner where you get coffee alongside crackheads: none of that matters, we're supposed to shine our shoes and look respectable and worldly. Not that Pittsburgh isn't respectable and worldly. Just not in the way that other places are traditionally worldly. Like discovering that the street you wanted to turn onto is one-way, most things that happen in Pittsburgh are unexpected.
Like, you know, a night hockey game at Heinz Field in January?
Since we all know the Islanders won the December Stanley Cup, let's move on to more relevant news, like this article about the "ice cold rivalry" between Sid and Ovechkin that Rob Rossi had to collaborate with someone else to produce.
DID YOU KNOW, GUYS?
Uncle Jordy is back.
I am probably the last person on Earth to figure this out.
Go Uncle Jordy.
Point is, this is already a circus. And circus isn't always a bad thing. It's just one of those days where anything can happen, and the rain keeps coming down. How do we deal? Settle in. Drink, eat, and scream. It's a great day for hockey. We already win the Best City Ever award, so really, very little can bring us down.
This post is live from the Starbucks on Carson, where I just saw a pack of girls in Mike Green jerseys.
First off, everyone give a round of applause to Megan, who made herself known to us first by e-mailing us ripping on Rob Rossi's blog.
She is basically a lifesaver.
Second off, everyone get your pitchforks and torches because we're marching on the offices of Allegheny Power, who decided that because we had a bad meter socket they were going to snip my family's service and allow all of our food to rot.
And also for making it basically impossible for me to run Puck Huffers. It is like being separate from a child.
Thank god for friends who have gas generators. So I can bring you this message.
i.e. I updated the Hair League. Here is the graphic of the top 25. Click here for full info.
Winter Classic postponed til 8pm tomorrow. Mario had 2 assists in the alumni game, not that I was able to watch it.
You know what you need to enjoy this new year? Lights that work.
Fuck the Caps. and for God's sake, GO PENS.
That was supposed to be my evil laugh. I think it lost something in the translation to text though. Normally, you would already have pissed yourself in fear.
Well, I'm Megan. I'm Canadian, a scorpio, and long walks on the beach are bullshit. Feel free to swamp me with offensive canuck jokes, I will smile and laugh since we Canadians are a peaceful and friendly people. I might also sweater/jersey you and punch you in your stomach a lot.
Gramps illustrates THE classic hockey fight maneuver.
Then we`ll throw back a few beers. We Canadians have odd and awesome ways.
By the hand of God, Zoe's power is down, probably in retribution for some terrible sin. And with Kim in India, someone needs to man the helm. So, introducing me. That's a Jonas brother song. Introducing Me. I am so sorry that I know that.
Zoe suggests that I chat about the Winter Classic, so gather around the fire kiddies. Apparently the Classic is something that`s going on. Honestly, you wouldn`t know it here in Canada. Here, Christmas has fuck all to do with Santa and everything to do with the World Juniors. Despite the competition being on US soil, Canadians bought over 60% of the tickets. It is as you feared, Canada has finally invaded. Buffalo is just our beach head, the real horror is to come.
Bum-bum-baaaaaaah. I know. You`re super scared.
Right now they`re calling 12o Celcius and 100% chance of rain. Mother Nature is a cold hearted whore, made hard and world weary by years of peddling herself on the street. This is probably revenge for that whole Global Warming thing.
It`s likely to get postponed and played on Sunday, but we won`t know until 8pm. So here`s what you do. Call up some old highschool friends that are also home for the holidays and make plans. That way if the game is cancelled you`ll have someone to drink with and rant at about the fucking weather. If the game is on, atleast you don`t really care about them and you won`t mind bailling. Just don`t show, don`t even call to cancel. Remember, these are the assclowns that shot spitballs at the back of your head and other such assclownery.
I think if I weren`t a Pens fan, I would be breaking shit in frustration over all the Classic coverage. Especially with Sid`s streak, it`s been nothing but CrosbyOviCrosbyOviCrosviOvbyCrovsbiAlidSidlex for a solid 2 months.
By the bye, I move that we refer to Crosby and Ovi as Sidlex, in true celebrity couple tradition. What do you say? No?
Literally half of NHL.com`s Top Headlines are about the Classic.
How many references to the Winter Classic can you count kids?
Personally, this is heaven minus the virgins, but I almost feel bad for fans of the other 93% of the teams that are getting like 2% of the coverage. Not really though. Baha, sucks to be those fuckers.
Well, as sad as it makes me that Crosby's point streak was snapped, his 2 point-per-game pace will be some comfort. TSN just informed me that he doubled Ovi's production during the streak. Ovi had 6 goals and 25 points to Sid's 26 and 50. Mumzy always said that taking pleasure in other peoples' suffering is a bad thing, but I'm not convinced. This makes me so happy I could light shit on fire.
Atleast with the streak, Sid`s dirty pedo-stache might also die.
Look at him. He looks genuinely surprised and upset that I hate his muzzy. But I guess if I had facial hair that I honestly believed had gifted me with 50 points, I would love and protect it just like Sid does.
In other Crosby news (is there any other kind), someone has once again decided to give him a useless piece of hardware. Our boy is now the Canadian Press Male Athelete of the Year. No one cares, including Sid I assume, but it is a thing that happened, so I figured you good people should know about it.
Also this thing happened. Go look now. I don`t know WHY it happened, but it did. If I were a Capital, I would be filled with so much confidence knowing that my captain could ass rape nesting dolls with ease. What a champ. And Zoe already pointed out his other excellent leadership abilities on Friday. When Ovechkin goes to the locker room, he does the extremely useful activity that is sitting in the corner and saying, "fucking crossbar." Champ. The Caps are truly blessed.
I understand him shooting at Russian dolls, that`s almost clever, but is the dressing really necessary? Really that just seems weird to me. Maybe Ovi is losing it. Note Exibit B. Look now! Like Ovechkin wasn`t hideous enough. I wonder if he was jealous of Crosby`s bitchin Lady Tickler. I think he probably just tried to eat the eye black though.
Well thanks for this awesome play date kiddies. See you on the playground.
Rick DiPietro closed the door in the shootout and sort of in general, in order to fulfill his dream of being gang raped by his teammates at center ice in front of thousands of unsuspecting fans.
Evgeni Malkin was reportedly unshaken by the incident. Rumor has it that everyone thinks DiPietro is an "instant section 8."
Stunning press work again by the drooling photographers of Nassau Coliseum. The Sid Streak ends at 25.
I'd recap this, but really? Pens have to get their minds right for the Classic, and so do we.
I will bring you a thoughtful analysis of episode 3 of 24/7 tomorrow, once I watch it in all of its high-def glory. In addition to the recap of 24/7 PH will also be providing you with a New Year's Eve/Day Survival Kit shopping list.
Parenteau's on our shit list, btw. Just ask Chris what's up.
We're not fighting for freedom, we're fighting for poontang.
see you outside.
GO PENS, bitches.
Games against Atlanta have a way of getting nasty, and/or bizarre. But the Pens are just on another level right now. That many penalties, you should lose. We barely noticed the Pens were shorthanded. Not something you can do every night, but a neat trick if you can pull it off.
Oh, and, Sid:
25 straight games with the streak. 4 points tonight. nbd. mustache.
MOMENT YOU BUSTED OUT THE CURBSTOMPING BOOTS
Fleury stood on his head to start the game, but Evander Kane decided it was his god-given right to score.
It was not. Tang made an unreal play to Crosby on the power play to reiterate this fact.
MOMENT YOU WERE ALONE IN AN UNCARING UNIVERSE
When lardass buried it during an extended power play sequence. Steiggy and Errey basically willed this to happen by talking about his fatness and his "heavy" shot. Heavy like cream.
2-1 Thrashers. No use crying.
Then Goligoski hooks Byfuglien and it feels like a disaster.
But the kill is huge. Meanwhile, back at the ranch:
MOMENT YOUR SOUL BROKE
Crosby splits the D. Pwns pavelec. Thorburn stunned.
2-2, thank god
Bob Errey starts the 2nd telling us all about how he was just texting Paul Coffey, something about how great it all was. Meanwhile, Kane is making his own legacy:
4 on 4 happens later, with Sid and Malkin hooking up to make a bajillion chances. Tang misses the net on what was perhaps the most open shot ever without being a breakaway. But nothing happens.
Pens are going to end up killing a penalty when the dangerous Eric Boulton gets his team going and the line draws a penalty.
With Cooke destroying lives in order to touch the puck, Adams drives down off the bench, and gets the puck all alone in front of Pavelec. Boooooooooooom.
A Craig Adams goal usually means you're in the clear.
GOAL THAT LOOKED LIKE SID'S BUT WASN'T
Early in the third, Sid chips a puck in front. Kunitz gets a stick on it. Goal.
If you're keeping track, that's: shit, we don't even know.
PUCK HUFFERS GOAL OF THE YEAR AWARD
Mark Letestu and the Rape of Alexander Burmistrov
and shut up.
Seriously, Burmistrov was just chilling, and Letestu decided it was time for him to die. And the death bred a goal, and the goal bred a million babies.
More pregnant every time we watch it.
OTHER GOAL THAT LOOKED LIKE SID'S BUT WASN'T
Sid takes a slapper from center point. Cooke deflects it. 6-2 Pens.
Eric Boulton continued his tear of scoring danger by getting yet another goal, making it 6-3.
'nother day at the office. Pens win.
Sorry for the jobber recap, but it's after 1AM, I haven't slept properly in ages, and I really need a shower.
FATTEST FUCK AWARD
We choose to remember this game as it was in the moments that the above photo was taken.
We do not want to think about the fact that our hockey team lost a game, or other perils of our modern lives.
Luckily, we don't have to.
In the spirit of the holiday season, we instead would like to focus on more adorable aspects of the world than a scoreboard tilted in our opponent's direction.
Also, thinking of more plesant things, look how pretty our new temporary arena is:
It's going to be a great game for everyone watching, and for everyone going.
Unfortunately, we will be indulging in the former. The opportunity presented itself for us to go to the game fo' free, but unfortunately we had to decline for other Life Reasons.
Speaking of, I would like to announce my official sabbatical from PH for the next three weeks, as I will be in New And Interesting Lands starting tomorrow.
Well, tomorrow those New And Interesting Lands will be a series of airports, but whatevs.
I'm pulling a Dmitry Medvedev.
(While Mister Medvedev stayed in lush resorts and was followed by many armed guards during his trip to India, I will be staying and dirty hostels and will be followed only by my dirty boyfriend; still, I like to think we are one in the same.)
PH will be held down by Zoe, Intern Ann, and any other assortment of hoodlums they feel they need to help out.
I will be able to get Pens text alerts in India for only 5 cents per text, so don't worry about me.
Everyone have a good new year, and prepare for coloring contests for weird Indian knick-knacks.
We're never losing again, so don't sweat it.
1. MaxTal still wears his facial injuries well. And we still don't know what color his eyes are supposed to be.
2. Sid's fight exchange with Niskanen resembled a first-time sex encounter. We really expected him to say like, "and then he was like, turn around, and I was like, k."
3. You still pimp strut, even when you get beat by Philly.
4. Just when we thought we couldn't be made any more uncomfortable by the man who calls himself Mike Green, we discover he rides an orange Vespa to work. No. This is expressly not allowed.
5. And just when we thought that had been too much, we saw the sunglasses. And shit ourselves.
Doesn't he know you're supposed to wear boots and leathers? If he gets in a wreck he's going to scrape all the skin off his chest.
But at least his mouth won't be cold
6. Boudreau used a napkin this time.
7. Hendricks has. . .pretty eyes.
8. Bruce talking to his team, especially Ovechkin, is like a dad who has been absent for 10 years trying to come back into his teenager's life and lay down the law. Fail.
9. Danny doesn't want to talk about Malkin's interference penalties anymore.
10. Bourque no longer owns a hockey helmet, and Steve Mears thinks this is hilarious.
11. Mario goes "woo."
12. Caps game against Anaheim was a circus.
13. When Ovechkin goes to the locker room, he does the extremely useful activity that is sitting in the corner and saying, "fucking crossbar."
14. The Caps are at the very least feigning ignorance.
15. Sidney Crosby's legs. Uh. Every time.
16. Brent Johnson loves life. In fact, he fucking loves it.
17. Chris and Jordy have way too much fun.
18. There was an explanation, in fact, for the no-goal that led to Chernobyl.
19. Gene needs chapstick still.
20. This face by Dan Bylsma? Terrifying.
21. Beer tastes better when you control the moods of thousands of people.
22. You know you're worth it when Ray Shero is arranging to have cars pick you up.
23. McPhee's office < Shero's office.
24. Alex may in fact think that Christmas was made for him.
25. Artürs Irbe should narrate some kind of Eastern European-themed porn.
26. Alex cannot tell if his hamstring is tight or not.
27. Alex doesn't like having his hamstring massaged. Or whatever else might be going on here.
28. He also appears to be married to his TV and video game consoles.
29. And he does in fact live with his parents, because he apparently isn't very good at cleaning up after himself.
30. The Bylsmas have a very small dining table. Small? Or intimate? You decide.
31. Rhys Adams knows the whole Penguins roster. We should start teaching him all the teams.
32. And is in fact the cutest child ever. Ever.
33. Paul Bissonnette doesn't have a lot to worry about if his laces get cut and bubble gum ends up in his gloves because I mean, he doesn't play anyway. But Matt Cooke sure is a genius with the scissors.
34. The Caps hide lobsters for fun. While they're getting sloshed. The lobster was not, in fact, very lucky.
35. Mike Knuble might actually give a damn about his team.
36. "fucking giggling getting out of one's fucking mess" sounds like a gross and hilarious sex act. Good job, Mike Knuble.
37. Some statements are incorrect.
38. George McPhee is enveloped in darkness.
39. Sidney Crosby is basically in love with his own crazy. That's confidence. You can see it in his eyes that he loves behaving irrationally. He's literally insane.
40. The rest of America apparently wasn't ready for Sid's cup. We've seen it often enough. We're aware. Now that he's won a Cup wearing the cup, we doubt we'll ever see the end of it. You know how many times this thing has had to be brought back from the dead? Probably millions.
41. Sid and Gene are kind of in love.
42. When Gene showed up he told Sid "ME THREE YEARS RUSSIAN SUPER LEAGUE" to enforce his seniority as a pro player and that's why Malkin is allowed to go out after Sid. And this is Sid's face while telling the story. Infuckingsane.
43. Eric Godard still has that bangin' suit.
44. This shovel is awesome.
45. Comrie is still lurking. Silently.
46. The Caps celebrate the December Stanley Cup by fist-pumping and wondering where the champagne is.
47. Brooks Laich might know that there isn't a December Stanley Cup.
That's 47 things. We want to repost this one:
come over here, so I can get a better look at that jugular.
Merry Christmas from Puck Huffers.
When do we ever get to see a shoot out reach out that far?!
At the end we were just screaming WHO IS NEXT?!?!?!? because really, that is what everyone was wondering.
When it gets too far, we still call it a Hal Gill round.
Call us old fashioned, but we love to see people shooting who shouldn't be shooting. We didn't QUITE get there, but still. It was close.
If you couldn't tell, we're drunk.
That's the reason this time. Isn't Pinnacle a miracle?!?!? We strongly recommend anything they do. It's cheap, and their flavors are just about as good as vodka can get....and we really don't like vodka.
We're not doing a recap, because we are in the loving embrace of family and friends and one another, because it is the holiday season. So we'll just say a few things about this game, which was pretty freaking intense.
Sidney Crosby scores a goal that is physically impossible, but through the collective joy of our hometown spirit, happens anyway. We say "fuck you" to physics, and let the impossible happen.
Of course then we have to deal with the holiday spirit of the refs, and accept a Caps goal that was only earned by about a thousand over-calling situations. We only allow this goal because Santa is watching.
And then, of course, Mr. Kunitz takes it back for the Penguins.
Milk is good for your bones, kids.
Knuble did somethingsomethingsomething to tie it up, and we didn't care.
Mostly we were starting to get upset that people would be reminding us that THE PENS AND CAPS ALWAYS GO INTO OVERTIME forever and forever.
We're over it.
Anyway, overtime is about as worthless as anyone would expect it to be, other than MAF acting like a superhero.
The shootout came, and as we said, it was nearly a Hal Gill situation.
Everything in the shootout is yet uncovered by the press.
Anyway, Dupes makes it happen, along with Tanger, and we are pleased with everything that happens.
Okay, so we have to go drink more and partake in happy activities.
We give the only alternative star to Dupes, because, well, he won the game. Homers.
The only good choice the Verizon Center has ever made is naming MAF #1 star tonight.
Anyway, go watch HSN and drink, and feel closer to us this evening.
Winning streak #2.
Never losing again.
Tonight was fairly brutal, because we had a game against the Florida Panthers to watch, promptly followed by HBO's 24/7.
We'll be providing an in-depth recap of 24/7 in the coming days. Perhaps on Christmas Eve, after this whole Caps business has blown over. We've been hearing rumblings in the Muskrats management about what the team's next moves will be to try to save the franchise from certain embarrassment. Understandably, we've been distracted.
The game that happened between the Penguins and Florida tonight felt like a period of time where life didn't make sense. There was no flow or consistency to this game by either team. Perhaps the only constant was that both Johnson and Fleury were on top of their shit. We of course wish Brent a speedy recovery, but we know that the Pens are playing at a high level in general right now--the cards have yet to fall as they will.
Incredibly short turnaround to Washington, and last-minute Christmas shopping hangs in the balance. Here's a quick rundown:
MOST PONIES BEQUEATHED
Tyler Kennedy gave Mark Letestu some of his birthday ponies for his turning of Tomas Vokoun into a prostrate statue.
Lots of ponies. Lots of bitches. Ladies, if you want a piece of the Test Tube, get in line, and fucking Letestify.
TK's face = a kid circa 1999 finding out he just got Bop It Extreme for Hanukkah.
Weiss, after scoring his equalizer and getting his team back on the wagon.
FEWEST OR MOST FUCKS GIVEN, WE CAN'T TELL
Sidney Crosby after extending his points streak to yet another ridiculous number.
Actually he should have given a major fuck, because guess what stud got an assist?
This guy. hooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
BIGGEST FUCK YOU
Cooke snipejobbing someone second game in a row.
Vokoun was done. We give him a supplementary award for Most Symmetrical Photo.
OUR SECOND FAVORITE IVY LEAGUER
You know, because we can't discount Craig Adams.
Ben Lovejoy had a goal in the second and a fight in the game that was more cuddly than anything.
No video yet on YouTube, but eventually, you'll see it. Go Dartmouth!
MOST UNAPPRECIATIVE BRYAN MCCABE
This is Bryan McCabe on the bench apparently after scoring the goal that put his team within 2. William Thomas had the primary assist, and we wondered why that goal mysteriously made us a little excited in the pants. But like a Smokey Robinson song, the contradictions weren't enough to save the Panthers from their mire of intense depression and heartsickness.
Basically: the Pens defense and the Panthers' ineptitude and the goalies ensured that Chernobyl watch didn't have to go into effect. Dupuis with the empty netter. It was over.
washington finally eeeep
FACE OF THE DAY
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
The actual #1 star was given to Ben Lovejoy, which breaks our minds and warms our hearts, so we don't even know how to run this portion of the recap anymore.
Let's just say.
1. Brent Johnson
2. Evgeny Dadonov, for being a -3 and having the Most Ominous Name
3. Bill Thomas, for making it ~*home*~ for the holidays.
Love and HBO to all.
It's almost like we have to give up on this shit, but we can't help ourselves: Sam Kasan was kind enough to direct us to the page for the Florida Panthers ice dancers in today's game-day blog and let us know that Brittany O. is his favorite.
Oh, Panthers. Thank God this isn't high school football where the opposing team's cheerleaders come with.
Here's HBO at morning skate:
That guy's got the skinny jeans and the sweet Nikes. Probably has an iPhone as well. We'll have nice things one day, too.
HAIR LEAGUE PAGE has been updated.
As you can see, the margins between teams are growing again. Blame Evgeni Malkin, who has been quietly blowing up the hair scene all throughout the last week.
Remember to e-mail us if you see any other hair instances out in the media world. This excludes: anything related to a "A Sit Down with Sidney" on FSN, or HBO's 24/7. We also just gave Sid points for his appearance on TPiR, but that isn't reflected here, because when it comes down to making a new graphic or going to make an omelette, the omelette wins every time.
Panthers tonight. Obvs.