I have made it back alive from my ventures.
Let me tell you something - there is not a lot of hockey in India. I got a lot of sad head shakes and looks of confusion when I tried to even explain what it was, as though the mere concept of it was so foreign that it was depressing to people.
Needless to say, I am glad to be back in a country where most people know hockey exists, they simply don't care.
But you guys do!
And that is why we are here.
So, maybe the Islanders haven't hit 40 points yet this season, and maybe they are only sneezing distance from the Debs. We have to make sure to win the games that we are supposed to win, and this definitely qualifies as one of those games. We can't really pretend like we always win such games.
We present a few awards this evening to make sure that our appreciation for such a weirdly hard fought game shows.
MOMENT YOU ALREADY WEREN'T QUITE SURE WHAT WAS GOING ON
In the first minute of the game you are still yelling at your friends to please grab you a beer from the kitchen because it has been a long day, etc. Before anyone knows what the fuck is happening, Tyler Kennedy loses his shit and Hamonic seems to crumple into wet tissue paper upon being touched.
TK wins without any question, despite the confusing mess that this cameraman captured in the throws of his obvious cocaine high.
It's already shaping up to be one of those games and the couch hasn't even warmed under your ass yet.
FIGHT THAT MOST RESEMBLED A GOOD OLD FASHIONED SCHOOLYARD BEATING
By minute two of the game the memory of TK's bout has faded and everyone is getting a little bored.
Curry, it has been an entire 87 seconds, can someone please do something?!
Mister Asham stands up in our moment of need and takes Konopka to town.
He finishes with the always hilarious jersey-over-head move.
We feel entertained. Thank you, sir.
THE SUPAHSTAH AWARD
Max Talbot steps out against the Isles in the first period after shaking off his weekend hangover - a job that normally takes until mid-Thursday.
We're not exactly sure what sparks his seemingly random bursts of energy and skillz, but we wish we could pinpoint it exactly and make it happen every night for the rest of eternity.
He doesn't put anything in the twine, but we know that he's giving it a damn good try.
Max Talbot: Hero to us All.
THE KIND OF BORING PERIOD
The second period is just a shooting contest between the Isles and the Pens. MAF does a gorgeous job defending his territory.
Unfortunately, Poulin is keeping up, and games like this are mighty nerve wracking.
MOMENT YOU KNEW WE HAD THE DEAL SEALED
Michalek shoots one from the point like he saw it in a dream - you know for a fact that it is going into the net.
That is, until it meets Mister Okposo's skate and ends up on top of the goal, in a freak twist of events that were really obviously supposed to end in our pulling a point ahead.
No photographic evidence exists, but they were kind enough to provide us with this glamour shot of Capuano. Feel free to let it haunt your dreams.
MOMENT YOU KNEW WE HAD THE DEAL SEALED II
Craigsy manages to throw in a puck that was wild around the net.
All of a sudden this game is all about keeping it away away away away from out net.
A few penalties in the final minutes of the game try to make it interesting, but as the clock winds down you get the very distinct feeling that this is a Penguins win.
And it is.
KEEPIN' IT COOL
Jack Capuano does not have excellent control of his facial expressions.
So, maybe not the most exciting of games, but a hockey game none the less, and we're always stoked for a good ol' shutout.
Now we take a little bit of time off from the regular season in order to spend time wondering what asinine things Ovie will do in public this year, and wondering exactly how much we will decide to care about the ASG this time around.
We're sure no one will disappoint.
When we get back, we're never losing again.
As if that wasn't obvious.
Sid is having problems doing normal-person things, like watching television and driving a car.
So basically, the world is falling apart. No clue what's up with Gene, either. Literally.
I don’t have an update on Geno, he’s going to see the doctor. He’s probably there right now, so I don’t have an update on Geno. That’s where that stands. I’ll get (an update Tuesday) probably.
With issues like this going on, every game is big. And we're playing the Isles. Matt Moulson is their leading scorer. Still. We think. Hold on, checking:
No, it's Greasy Boy Canada. We're officially in trouble.
Home game. We have a slight advantage. Maybe. And Dustin Jeffrey in our hip pocket. And Chris Conner's balls in everyone's faces regardless of how the rest of the team is playing.
AND ERIC GODARD IS SKATING THANK GOD:
Really, we're not telling you anything you don't already know. But there's no good news for you. Everyone is just trying to figure out when we'll have our franchise players back again and when there's no news, unfortunately this time it isn't good news.
And we're playing the Islanders.
Bring the hate?
If you want to feel bad about today, you can feel free to note that the Flyers and the Hawks played today, the Flyers won, and it marked the return of Sunday matinee broadcasts to NBC. cocks
That is the worst thing about the late postseason in football. THE WORST. And then after the Super Bowl it gets even worse. NBC is a disaster. Moving along.
For some reason, all the press was out at the Pru when the Pens were there, and all the pictures are just coming to light:
Jordy is pretty.
this is Mark Fayne. We've never heard of him but he is definitely undressing something with his eyes.
Marty is trying to get his second stomach to stop digesting so hard.
This is approx. the face that KTang would make if you told him he was getting free coffee, or that the NHL was finally making suits that cling to your body.
Chris Conner is pretty.
Imagine Tyra Banks critiquing this photo, and spend the rest of the afternoon dying.
Mattie skates with purpose.
Are you there God? It's me, Brooks. Can you tell all the people I'm trying to kill that I'm sorry.
KTang is angry.
MICHAEL RUPP IS SO SCARY, HOLD US
Anyway, extra-special thanks to everyone who joined in with us last night. We are big fans. We want your autographs.
We actually had to go to the Pens site to remember who we play next. Isles, Tuesday.
Crosby and Malks are likely out for the All-Star Game, says Rob Rossi, as he touches himself.
Over-under on fluid ounces of splooge produced by Rossi when he decided to use "oft-concussed" in the article.
Molinari of the PG touched on this in his Canes recap and doesn't make us want to cross his face out with red pen.
Well, the day of destiny has arrived fairly quickly, and the only questions left involve the viability of the Penguins without Crosby and Malkin in the lineup, and how kind Steiggy and Errey will be on our livers. Chat opens at 6:30pm EST.
We have additionally reproduced the drinking game rules below, in case you need help. Edited to be played with just a mixed drink as opposed to shots, since we're not seeking the joys of getting completely and utterly wrecked this evening:
PUCK HUFFERS OFFICIAL STAAL BROTHER DRINKING GAME RULES
Drinking begins at puck drop. If there is anything during pre-game, you're just going to have to bite your tongue because you at least want to generally remember the game, don't you? Well, maybe not. But we kind of want to know the result without having to check NHL.com tomorrow morning.
One drink to be taken if:
- it is mentioned that the Staals are brothers
- if it is mentioned that there are other Staals, not present, who are also in the NHL
- if a phrase such as "sibling rivalry" is used
- if it is pointed out that BOTH STAALS ARE ON THE ICE
- if anyone mentions the sod farm
- if any random facts are introduced about the present Staals or the Staal family
- if the Staal parents are mentioned
- if any Staal reference occurs that would simply not occur in a one-Staal game
Two drinks to be taken if:
- a comparative Staal brother graphic is shown on the screen
- if they are verbally compared AT LENGTH by the announcers (use your own discretion in deciding what "length" is)
- if a video clip of the brothers/family is shown
- if an interview with a Staal brother happens at intermission (add an additional drink if the Staal brother is asked anything about playing against his brother
- if the Staal parents are in attendance (this cancels out taking a single drink if the parents are mentioned, but not if they are mentioned separately from the fact that they are in attendance)
Drink at will if:
- there is an intermission feature on the Staal brothers
- there is a mention of a Staal on Staal play, such as a Staal delivering a crushing check on another Staal, or a Staal being stripped of the puck by another Staal
- if the game is over and the team you were rooting for shit its pants
Stop if you feel sick/want to stop. We will not be held responsible for any shit that happens to you playing this game. You play at your own risk, kids.
First, we want everyone to raise a glass and invoke Curry for Megan, who, despite being Canadian, is really fucking cool, and has agreed to sign on to PH Staff on at least a temporary basis. So, like Ann is our Intern, Megan is our temp. Ann is currently on a Leave of Absence. The official word from Mount Olympus is that she is, at least for a little while, too gorgeous and intelligent to mingle among common folk, and needs to vacation among the gods. We believe this press release wholeheartedly. Megan has agreed to step in. She is a rather mysterious figure, which may be attached to the fact that she's spectacularly talented and has a real job, which is why she doesn't spend the day yelling on Twitter like the rest of us. However, she is also beautiful and perfect. Give her a round of applause. And go thank her for recapping the Devils game for you.
So raise your hand if you are actually interested in what's going to happen to our favorite Kazakhstan-born goaltender Evgeni Nabokov as he deftly tries to reach
a third world country Detroit, Michigan from the KHL? The whole waiver situation is probably being blown out of proportion, but whatever. As owners of the Louisiana Muskrats, we are encouraging the movement of cap space in order to accomodate Nabokov. We will get back to you on this matter.
In other news, every game in the NHL tonight is boring as shit.
But you know what tomorrow means:
With Evgeni Malkin's nose and face full of snot, plus a knee issue, and Sid still needing lots of naps and things, the fact that Staal has basically become the top skilled forward for the Pens makes the hallowed Staal vs. Staal matchup all the more intense.
Steiggy and Errey at the very least will likely be talking about it.
In case you needed reminding, the drinking game rules are reproduced in this post above our very sad evening watching the Pens at Madison Square Garden during the 2009 season. Oh memories.
Pens/Canes should be more intense than that, but you remember what happened last time we thought this.
Do you think Eric Staal sees Godzilla clearly enough in that picture, btw?
More importantly, how drunk is Godzilla?
At any rate we will be setting up a CoverItLive event and chances are someone will be drinking something. Pick something up on your way home from work tomorrow or whatever.
Also, for your O RLY article of the night: Caps trying to win with defense
Time to get back to basics. Really, really, really basic. Like playing with a bunch of rookies and grinders, and getting drunk?
Okay, wait. Before I get started I need to point and laugh at the Trib.
From the photo and video on Zoe's link yesterday:
"That was Jordan Staal really having his way with Zetterberg at both ends of the ice." – Josh Yohe
You make me sad, Trib.
Oh, the game. Right.
MOST ANNOYING TEAM TO PLAY AGAINST
The Devils, obviously. If that statement surprised you, you're probably eating glue right now.
Well, let’s settle in for 60 minutes of 5 red jerseys sitting in the neutral zone.
Srsly, no one knows how to ruin hockey like the Debs.
BRODEUR ISN'T DEAD?
You remember that amazing goalie who broke those records and tore shit up in NJ for years? Yeah, he's still alive. No, I thought he died over the summer too.
You may also be surprised to hear that Eddie Murphy is still alive.
People are talking about being able to recognize Brodeur again and less than 2 minutes in you believe it. Brodeur is playing the puck all over the fucking place and starts his team up the ice where Rolston puts away a slap shot before the Pens even know the puck has been dropped.
Halfway through the first, our boys are finally realizing you can’t casually dump the puck into the Devils end. It’s like throwing marbles at a Hungry Hungry Hippo.
Baha, hippo. What an appropriate analogy. I’m a genius.
You can’t put a puck near Brodeur and not expect him to jump all over that shit.
He will CONSUME it. So hungry hungry.
WORST COMBINATION OF M AND M
I was very excited when we acquired Martin and Mychalek, but they are neither a rapper nor a delicious chocolaty treat.
The Debs manage to invade our house for just long enough to make you want to shampoo the carpet, but it’s okay because Martin picks up the puck. But then it’s not okay. Martin tries to reverse it to Mychalek behind the net, but either Mychalek was too busy watching Gossip Girl to get to the puck or Martin has the upper body strength of a Gossip Girl and can barely move a puck. The pass doesn't connect and Palmieri intercepts it for a quick tuck behind BJ.
Kovalchuk takes a slapper and hits it so hard that his stick breaks and a chunk of it goes flying over the protective netting. Okay, that was a little impressive, but Chucky still costs about half a million dollars per point. The sad thing is, with 7 whole points to his name, Michalek costs about the same.
This is the only photo I saw of Kovalchuk. That he happens to be down and getting run over in it is just a coincidence.
SOMETHING GOOD THEN SOMETHING AWFUL
Like Caddyshack and then the sequel most people pretend doesn't exist.
MaxTal manages a sexy breakaway and ends up taking a shot between his legs while moving backwards toward the net. It’s actually a good shot too. Honestly, MaxTal’s abundant tack usually makes me happy, but never ever happy in my pants. That makes this hot and bothered feeling extra impressive. And it makes my rage even more terrifying when Maxi takes a penalty for crashing into Brodeur.
The ref called this entirely because Uncle Daddy is fat and old and everyone is scared he will break a hip if anyone ever touches him. I bet it makes sex really awkward.
Ew, now I’m thinking of old fatty sex.
Steigy and Errey get noticably pissed when, early in the 2nd, Max gets shoved into Brodeur and takes another penalty for breathing on him. Are these calls out of respect/reverence for Marty? I’ll admit I teared up a bit when he broke the win record a couple years ago, but he’s a big boy (and an asshole), he doesn’t need you to hold his hand.
BEST FLEURY SUBSTITUTE
Brent Johnson makes some gorgeous saves to keep us in it.
It’s a little unreal how aware he is and the way he tracks the puck. Life with a solid, sexy net staff feels even better when Toronto used 3 goalies in 2 games this week. Life is cush in Pensville, especially when it sucks in other places.
Near the end of the 2nd, there’s a scramble in front of the Devil’s net and a push from Cookie sends Brodeur over like a domino. It was probably a penalty, but after the 2 shady goalie interference calls on Talbot in the 1st, the refs are having none of this.
It’s always a nice guilty pleasure getting away with a non-call, but a penalty is a penalty and it should have gotten it's 2 minutes. Crazy refs and their shenanigans.
Dupuis gets a gold star for intercepting a lazy pass in the offensive zone. He centers it for Sid, who isn’t playing, so there’s no one there and the lonely puck sails into empty ice. *sigh*
Oh Captain my Captian.
CAN YOU SMELL WHAT COOKE IS COOKING? HINT: IT'S COOKIES.
Cooke does his job perfectly, making a fool of Arnott, as he draws a penalty. Finally, a power play. We don’t score, but we get some nice shots and you can tell that the boys have found their game.
If only they could have done that earlier than 5 minutes into the 3rd. To be fair, when figuring out how to play without your two superstars, a 45 minute learning curve is pretty fucking good.
This is a picture of stuff happening and getting chances and shit. Visual aids!
BEST USE OF TESTICLES
Max takes it upon himself to be amazing and fights Sestito.
Who the fuck is Sestito? No one cares.
Talbot checks his teeth on the way off the ice and they’re fine, but I think he could rock a missing tooth. I feel it would only add to his tack, which seems to charm some people.
We’re playing much better and getting shots, but as the clock runs down you detect the pungent odour of oncoming shame. Yes, the shutout is now the pickle on the shit sandwich of this game.
Man! I want to recap a W. We're rocking a .646 point percentage and I've covered 2 games. So, statistically, 1.3 of those games should have been in the win column.
Dibs on the next Oilers match up.
MOST BROKEN HIPS
Well, either he just broke a hip or he's about to eat the puck. That expression is hard to read.
BEST USE OF FLOW
This hair is either getting ridiculous or sexified. Also hard to read.
Alternative 3 Stars
1. Max Tal - 13 and 3 in the face off circle (81%), provided a much needed fight, and had to take it up the ass on those bullshit interference calls
2. Cooke - for pissing people off and being a human wrecking ball
3. My Toblerone bar – satisfying when this game was not
I would say we shit the bed here, but honestly, just finding our way to the rink feels like an accomplishment. I know we have a team that can overcome 4 injuries (1 of which is Comrie, so let’s just call it 3) even if 2 of those injuries account for 30% of our cap. But going into this game knowing we had never played without Sid and Geno before was the worst kind of psyche out. So, considering how depressed I was at 7pm, I’m taking our ability to turn it around in the 3rd as a win. Case closed.
Congrats to the Devils for not being abysmal failures for a while.
Next Game: Staal reunion, Saturday at 7pm.
Maybe Eric is coming to discuss Sid's signing bonus for the All Star Draft.
Yet again, Sidney Crosby and his concussion are causing problems and apparently threatening the integrity of the NHL All-Star Game. You've probably already heard all the fuss about this. But, you also have Nick Lidstrom calling Sid the best player in the game. And if you don't like Sid and you don't like Nick Lidstrom, you probably like Mike Richards or something. Whatever. Point is: head injuries aren't funny, or cool. And Sid's anger isn't likely to be with the league disciplinarians. If he hasn't burned down Colin Campbell's office yet about the shit that happens to him, his teammates, and his friends, it's probably not going to happen.
And yes, we think Sid has friends, even though we think he probably spends most of his time eating pizza and watching Gossip Girl. At least, that's the sort of soul we see him having beyond the surface.
But enough about Sid, what else is going on in the world?
Jarome Iginla is skipping the All-Star game to spend time with his sick grandmother.
What a dickbag. He isn't even injured!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No, really. Get well soon to Jarome's grandma.
What we learned from Flames TV: injury or illness on the part of oneself and/or one's loved ones is evidently a reason to miss what is basically a party with a photo shoot and a fake hockey game. Listening to the way everyone is talking about Sid, you wouldn't think so. But I mean. HE CAN'T REALLY BE THAT HURT CAN HE?
Sorry, we'll try to turn off the snarkgun.
Adding to the various blows to the Penguins, Malks is now out with an undisclosed injury.
In all seriousness, the HONDA NHL SUPERSKILLS might actually be trying to piss us off with the event entitled G Series NHL Skills Challenge Relay:
This new event for 2011 will feature 16 players from each team, including two Rookies and fourteen All-Stars, in an all-around competition that will showcase the one-timer, passing, puck control, stick-handling and accuracy shooting in four exciting relays. In the one-timer event, three shooters (with the assistance of one passer) must score three goals over an eight inch barrier; in the passing event, one passer must complete a pass into each of the six nets set up around the rink; in the puck control event, one skater will skate through a series of cones while keeping possession of the puck; in the stick handling event, one skater will control the puck through a series of obstacles; and in the accuracy shooting event, one player will take aim at four targets. Each skill must be completed before moving on to the next skill in this timed relay event worth a total of eight points. Four groups will go through the relay -- two for each team. The group with the fastest time will score four points, second place will score three points and third place will score one point.
It sounds like a physics word problem waiting to happen. "If David Backes is rounding Cone #6 and is at a 25 degree angle to Cone #5. . ."
Really. Kill us now.
Tonight, you can watch a choice of three bizarre games:
- Toronto @ New York Rangers. VERSTEEG RETURNS.
- CBJ @ Florida. LOL WHAT
- Minnesota @ Calgary. Might as well just take a Valium and get a sippy cup.
Remember, kids: you will always be mocked for your personal head injury. Get used to it.
Get well soon, Sid.
This game kind of snuck up on us. Midseason games against western conference teams, even the Wings, lack the oomph of an exciting matchup, especially with nearly everyone the press likes to feed on for stories out of the lineup.
Instead, the Wings start Joey MacDonald in goal. Yes, that Joey MacDonald. The guy whose claim to fame is being an Islander when they sucked more than they do now. The guy who we immediately associate with an AHL fight during a line brawl versus John Curry. (Please genuflect. Thanks.)
And I mean. There wasn't a lot going on. You didn't feel the hate. The men that the Pens competed with for the Cup have defected to other teams in some cases, and in others are too old to really make sense. So this game was 2 points. Whatev. Wings were hurt and that is what every person in the D is going to cry about while they shiver in the cold.
But, as we at PH like to say, we're over it. So should you be. It's a long season. Next game. No time for crying.
And very little time for celebration.
Especially if the city you are in happens to be so cold.
MOST JOBBING AROUND
The Pens and the Wings in the first. Like seriously what was with everyone? Lots of back and forth and chances, but it didn't seem to matter. Joey MacDonald even looked confident, and had rebound control. You could see this becoming the most boring game of your entire life.
Random pic. Bertuzzi exists.
SAY HELLO TO AN OLD FRIEND
Joey MacDonald is familiar with Marc-André's Behind-the-Net Adventures. He may have watched this beloved series a million times. He loved it so much, and even missed it enough, that he wanted to create a reprise. Somehow, the remake is better than the original.
He gives the puck away to TK behind the net, who quickly gets it in front for Jordan Staal. Essentially an empty net goal. Hoooo.
Some more back and forth occurs, but Fleury and the defense are holding the fort. Example:
MOST DESERVED GOAL
Chris Conner gets hauled down on a breakaway, and gets a penalty shot.
This is his chance to prove to the universe that his hustle is unmatched, and he does it.
He is the first Penguin to score on a penalty shot since Jarkko Ruutu in 2007, which puts things in perspective a little bit.
Crosby and Malkin both suck cocks at penalty shots. You have likely grown tired of thinking: shit, I wonder if he's going to get this one. THEY HAVE HAD QUITE A FEW LET'S BE HONEST
But the second the referee pointed to center after the play, you basically knew you could trust Chris Conner. And this is why he is the best.
So, it's 2-0 Pens.
The period ends in crashing, choking, and crying.
When Bob Errey was yelling "SWEEEEEP" for no known reason.
That is all.
BIGGEST DISPLAY OF GETTING ONE BACK
Franzen scored. It happens.
Then: Kunitz and Malkin end up on the ice together and somehow make a play that doesn't involve giving the puck away to somebody else. It's a sight to behold. Malkin drives the net. Kunitz finds a loose puck. And all is in happy harmony. We've gained back that pesky, two-goal lead.
The period ends just in time for the Wings not to score off of a lengthy cycle in which Asham didn't have a stick.
Timing is everything.
During second intermission it is announced that Mark Letestu is locked up for 2 more years at $625k/per.
If you complain, you're a moron.
Oh yeah, and this happened:
picture courtesy of Raquel
And, some choice Steigerwald moments:
"Hockey games are often the tale of a threesome."
"There's Franzen again. He's so big and wide. . ."
MOMENTS FOR WHICH YOU WERE MOST GRATEFUL
Malkin backchecks like a beast.
Everyone defends everyone.
The last 5 minutes could be a meltdown. But the funny thing, the boring thing, is that they weren't.
I KNOW BRAH. I KNOW. YOU WANT A PONY. SERIOUSLY. I GOT A BUNCH OUT BACK.
Pens Win, 4-1.
The moment everyone is going to remember about this game is KTang's hair.
MOST THINKING CAPS WORN
PERSON WHOSE ASSOCIATED PRESS CAPTION POSED MORE QUESTIONS THAN ANSWERS
Detroit Red Wings goalie Joey MacDonald blinks after squirting water in his face during a time out in the second period of an NHL hockey game against the Pittsburgh Penguins in Pittsburgh Tuesday, Jan. 18, 2011.
ladies and gentlemen, we hate to be the fifteen year old boys in the room, but who said it was water?
also, who is Rutherford? Wings/JoeyMac fan help us out?
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Evgeni Malkin - still doing things. trust us. Also was a stunning (for him) 55% on faceoffs.
2. Brian Rafalski - Mr. America was a -2. So was Lidstrom, but he isn't from 'Merica.
3. Paul Martin - 4 blocked shots. DE-FENSE. HONORABLE MENTION: Zbynek Michalek's voice. Melts pants.
Next game is in NJ. Don't even know.
I did, in fact, update the Hair League today.
Everything would have come sooner, but I did lose a hard drive this week, including any and all PH data since 2008.
Thank Curry for Google Docs spreadsheets.
FUN FACT: we play Detroit tomorrow.
No timetable for Crosby's return.
Malkin still needs to find the button on the bottom of the controller that initiates Beast Mode.
Brooks Orpik has more medical knowledge about concussions than the entire hockey media. Or just isn't an asshole.
It's a big day for Pittsburgh, and the Pens probably knew that. 2 points in the standings in January still isn't a life or death situation, but for ~personal reasons, losing to the Bruins simply couldn't be allowed. We had to prove that we could compete.
And aside from 13 seconds, Pens did. Gotta work on those 13 second meltdowns against the B's. RIGHT DANNY?
HATE THAT WORKED THE LEAST
Someone with porn hair named "Shanna Jean" comes out to butcher the national anthem, and the puck drops to a cacophony of drunk noise from the stands.
Bruins came out flying, and with Matt Cooke in the starting lineup the boos started raining down. Dupuis takes a penalty like next shift, but it's killed. Pens get a power play, but the Bruins eat up the time. Then Cooke starts ramming someone's wife from behind, goes off for interference. But everyone in the arena shits themselves when, immediately after exiting the box, Cooke starts the drive towards the Bruins zone and makes a perfect pass to Staal, who makes all of your dreams come true by finding Kunitz:
Goligoski is probably saying, "Don't worry, guys. We have even more time left to blow this."
Adams and Campbell throw down. Coli probably cries about it.
Hatefail by TD Garden.
MOST UNEXPECTED EVERYTHING
Second period begins, and Rask has no idea what's going on when a puck bounces off the boards and comes to Dupuis. Finnish anger burns. It was ugly. It was also 2-0 for the Pens. But fluky goals belie possible fatal momentum shifts--you know who deserved what. Dupuis deserved 9 goals for working so hard, but maybe not that one.
As decided when Chara high sticks his own teammate, Kempfer, leading to one of those "blood everywhere" situations. Official calls Dupuis for the penalty. If you blinked you wouldn't have noticed they were shorthanded for 4 minutes. You'd've thought the hockey gods would consider it even after that, but naaah.
MOMENTS WE ACCIDENTALLY GAVE HOPE RATHER THAN RECEIVED IT
Gene goes on a breakaway, but Tuukka throws a milk crate between his five hole.
Seidenberg does what he does against the Pens in big games, which is score some bomb. The press decides not to photograph it for some reason.
Then Michael Ryder does it, too. 2-2 while my internet was crapping out, so i didn't see it. But mark my words, it was horrible. No visual cues whatsoever.
Wait the press did take a picture of Michalek getting owned:
Zbynek, honey, make yourself useful.
LEAST LIKELY PERIOD TO COMPLAIN ABOUT
Both teams come out flying. Kennedy and Cooke work hard to get a puck to JStaal in front. Jack Edwards (yes I had to watch NESN) refers to him as "son of a sod farmer" which will likely lead to "son-of-a-sod-farmer" becoming a grave insult in Boston.
Jack Edwards could have seriously run a Staal Brothers Drinking Game in Massachusetts today.
But here's the thing: the Bruins tried repeatedly to come back and tie it. Those assholes.
Pucks going wide, hitting posts, everything is terrible and back and forth. Just when you think the Pens are going to get an insurance goal, they don't.
Though this does happen to Pauly:
late in the game, he even plays defense.
Savard goes down in a heap after being owned by Engelland, but it was a legal hit and not a head injury, which probably pissed off most of the fans.
The knot in your stomach tightens at the 4 minute mark.
But the 9 quick goals off of Mark Recchi's stick never come. The ship never grazes the iceberg.
The Pens hang on. WHAT
LEAST CREATIVE GLASS SIGNS AWARD
How come the chicks with the glass seats never have signs that say shit like "I WANT CHRIS CONNER TO FORECHECK ON ME"?
If you're going for the glass seats, you might as well make a good sign. But it never happens.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
Marc-Andre Fleury - Circle this performance, because he's going to have to do it at least once in the playoffs.
Gene - Assists count too.
Matt Bartkowski - Because.
Lost in all of this is that the Pens' next game is against Detroit.
Tomorrow: hair league updates, probably some more ranting about the Crosby concussion scandal that has swept the nation.
Also, Steelers are going to the AFC championship game, and every Pittsburgh team ever won today apparently.
We don't really like football, but we appreciate the explosiveness of a big turnover. Ben Roethlisberger is a shitty human, so here's a picture of Brett Keisel's beard: