There was no reason for you to be.
There might have been something in the air, a sour tang you could smell, like electrical tension, like a potential nuclear disaster.
But the Penguins didn't let it happen, somehow.
Real hockey was played in Pittsburgh last evening.
It deserves to be recognized. We were saved from certain doom.
MOST CREEPY OBSESSIONS WITH TWINS
The Pittsburgh Media.
Before the game even starts, Potash is in the locker room, all like SO HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT GOING UP AGAINST TWINS.
You could have played a Sedins Are Brothers drinking game but you probably would have ended up gasping faintly in an ICU for the rest of your life. No but really. They're twins. DID YOU KNOW.
Jimerson doesn't come out for the anthem, and your life takes a turn for the worse. What could happen next?
BEST DESCRIPTIONS BY BOB ERREY TO GET YOU THROUGH THE PERIOD
Ryan Kesler is "huge." Let's examine:
. . .okay, Bob, we'll give you that one.
Roberto Luongo is a "polar bear."
. . .suuuuuuuuuuure. Polar Bear. We get it? We think?
Adams and Bieksa fought. Yawn
Canucks, meanwhile, have a million giveaways and nothing happens. It's just another occasion to talk about the Sedins and to mention Luc Bourdon because we haven't cried enough this week.
Steigerwald is all: BELIEVE IT OR NOT HENRIK IS 6'2" AND DANIEL IS 6'1" SO THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO.
Thanks, Paul. Thanks a lot.
Sid slips the referees $20 each and a gift certificate to Century III Mall so they'll call him for holding the stick. Obviously.
Out of the box, Sid gets the puck and opens up Luongo like a new bag of Veggie Crisps.
Between the blocker and the pad, haaaay.
GOLD MEDALS HRRRRR
Everyone is happy. Max has his war face on:
PENALTY THAT IS CLEARLY RIVALING THE BEST PENALTY
Mike Rupp decides to be a cannibal and attack people. "Boards" Dan Hamhuis for being a cunt.
Canucks have a million chances. Talbot gets like his third 2 on 1 with Matt Cooke or something.
Shoots, gets it back, brings it back around for the. . .wraparound?
Again, everyone is happy. Their faces betray a joy that could be crushed at any moment. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH THIS LEAD.
This is especially funny because it happened due to an egregious missed chance on an open net by a Sedin. OoOOOOH.
LEAST EXPECTED HAPPINESS
Canucks make another hilarious giveaway and Malkin and Asham go to the net.
Asham got a stick on it. But Malkin saw it go in and was flipping shit like it was his birthday.
3-0 Pens. Okay. brb.
5 seconds later Hamhuis is the Worst Person.
But it doesn't matter. It matters so little. So little that there are no pictures.
When Roberto fell down. lolololol. You know, the one time when it was the funniest because he did it a lot.
MOST MOMENTS OF BEING KEPT IN THIS
Marc-Andre was Solid.
The Canucks defend an empty net with vengeance, but it's not the same as fucking winning, is it?
DESERVED AT LEAST A POINT
Poor Malks had his assist taken away. So Sad.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Matt Cooke - for ruining people's lives, and 1 assist.
2. Brooks Orpik and KTang - for 5 blocked shots each
3. Chris Conner
Is 5'8" and has more hustle than you.
Things got good.
We're debuting a new PH Activity soon. Get excited.
There was no reason for you to be.
Sometimes, it's a wonder when you get out of bed in the morning and don't totally fuck yourself up by walking into a wall and/or pooping your pants.
Today is one of those days.
you know, unless your name is Robert Luongo.
Recap in the AM.
Please refer to Ann's postgame post and submit your evil Blingees and evil Marc Staal mustache drawings to
Marc Staal has quickly become the least favorite Staal.
Also, if you were watching last night, you had to take one shot of Canadian whiskey at least because Steigerwald was all Staal Brothers Drinking Game on us.
Which might have lessened the sting of the fact that the Penguins power play isn't just ineffective. It's a liability. It's a hilariously bad cause. If you watch the way the Penguins can sync up with each other 5 on 5 through long stretches of a game, it makes no sense. Even 4 on 4. Last night was some serious, good up and down action, and the Pens mostly looked like a real hockey team. They took the lead late. They went on the power play. You're supposed to be 60 seconds from victory. Anything else is downright embarrassing.
ETA: Don't get us wrong, we're really happy to see the Pens earn a point in a game when Lundqvist was looking shutout city.
It was a great effort and they were rewarded for their hard work.
But then they fell asleep. Wild finish.
At least it felt like hockey.
Also, the Penguins would have been better off giving Eric Godard Comrie's 7:12 of ice time or something. What did Comrie do? Missed passes. Looked ineffective. Fought Ryan Callahan for no discernible reason. The game was scoreless at this point, the action was steady. Who fights there? Potash was talking to the new Pirates GM. No one cared that this happened. Comrie spent 47 seconds on a power play unit at some point. Christ.
Oh look Callahan scored the overtime winner:
He was probably thinking about banging HillDuff after the game.
We also maintain that Henrik is a Ken doll and we only have sex with real men. I mean he was at the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show last week.
We're female potential lingerie customers and even we don't want to be at the VS Fashion Show. Mostly because guys like Henrik hang out there.
Vancouver is tomorrow and also a possible Cupcake Day. We'll keep you posted.
I have no real input on this game.·
MStaal, I blame you. ·Stick everywhere, constantly in the box, a fuckin goal. He was just such a dick tonight.
Dude, my ode to you:
so much redhead shame
you knew you needed to score
still no christmas gifts
In the spirit of bad sportsmanship, please enjoy these photos and send us your best evil blingees and devil horn/shady mustache drawings. ·This cannot happen again!
Also, if anyone can put out a hit on Alyssa Milano for existing on the Pens site.... Not saying there's a lot of money in it. Mostly just pride.
Travels to Atlanta, Georgia are always nebulous, like we said. We wonder why there is a hockey team in Atlanta and if anyone else knows about it.
We love Georgia. But if we ever move to the land of sweet tea and violence, could we ever be Thrashers fans?
. . .the dramatic silhouettes do not have us convinced.
MOMENT YOU REALIZED HOW COOL OUR FARM TEAM IS
Early on, Conner, Letestu, and Goligoski have some awesome shift together.
Rupp and Thorburn throw down:
Then Brent Sopel scored but I apparently didn't even notice it enough to mention it in my notes. I apparently knew we were winning?
Byfuglien's too fat to score on Fleury and you are also glad that we don't fatten up our young players with bacon like whoever trained Dustin.
We used to like Dustin, until he got cocky with Chicago, and then he became bad.
We also wonder why exactly Brent Sopel looks like a low-grade weed dealer circa 1973:
Thank god these boys didn't grow up in our neighborhood.
MOMENT YOU MOST THOUGHT YOU MIGHT GET RAPED
The Pens are on some power play and for some reason the Thrashers are doing the unthinkable and being aggressive on their PK.
Towards the end of the PP, the play is back in the Pens' zone, and then you hear it: TTHHHHHHHRAAAAASSHHHERSSSS FULL STRENGTHHHH
like he's grunting it into your ear in the middle of a one-night stand after an ill-advised night at the bar after the county fair.
PERIOD THAT MAY HAVE DRIVEN YOU TO INSANITY
To start the second, Bob Errey comments that Max Talbot (who missed the first several minutes of the game getting his badass face stitched up after taking something above the eye in practice) is probably to blame for the Pens' emotional distress.
OH NOES WE'RE WITHOUT MAX FOR LIKE 5 MINUTES?!?!?
Not sure on that one, Bobby. Line identity is important over the course of the season, but for 5 minutes? Come now.
(He probably just wanted an excuse to go down there and get the real scoop from the boys in the locker room.)
Pens don't get shit going at all and you want to punch them. Chris Conner already looks a million times more competent and driven than Mike Comrie though.
Talbot deflects in a Goligoski shot, but it is taken away by an absolutely bizarre goaltender interference call on Mike Rupp.
He only did what makes the national media ram Tomas Holmstrom's dick down their throats repeatedly for hours on end.
Here is a sample of my notes from the game so that you may revisit your own fragile mental state during this dreary time:
Malkin has a wide open net after a beautiful give and go with Kunitz, misses the net for real?
how does a telestrator circle fit around Byfuglien
Tang gets a puck in his bad hand.
So we want the puck, right?
Steiggy "I don't mean to be critical of ben Eager. . ." of course you do
MOST BIZARRE SEQUENCES
The Thrashers look dangerous in the Pens' zone for awhile. Then Bergfors falls backward on his bum for no reason. He was like a five-year-old on skates for the first time. In one glorious moment. Play goes the other way. Asham and Malkin with the give and go. It's hot, it's beautiful, it's a goal:
We think this is from the first goal. We'll take it. Pavelec got a little confused on that play.
Pens kill some other penalty, then Bob Errey is at it again:
"Brooks Orpik absolutely launched Peverley into the wall like he was a piece of paper."
We'd hate to see Brooks Orpik commit violence against paper.
MOST BEAUTIFUL BLOODBATH
Late in the second period there is some weird sequence where Brooks sticks his hip out, destroys someone, and then takes a stick to the mouth. They're killing a penalty to start the third:
God, Brooksie, do you ever stop? I mean we know the answer to this question.
MOMENT THAT WASN'T A JINX
Steiggy and Errey discuss that Sid is "due" for a goal. Apparently he has scored in 5 straight games or something? Are we hearing this correctly?
Awesome redirect on a shot from Engelland. Engelland is a beast.
MOMENT THE POWER PLAY ACTUALLY DID SOMETHING
Pens are running the usual power play when Crosby somehow pulls off an absurd bank pass from the backboards. Pavelec looks around like someone told him girls were making out in the front row. Malkin buries it.
Pens suddenly have a 3-1 lead. All rests on this.
WHEN YOU BATTENED DOWN THE HATCHES
We hear an extended conversation about Craig Adams and foxholes.
Eager gives some hilarious giveaway to Dupuis. Eager is a fucking asshole. But you knew this. Nothing comes of the giveaway other than we get to talk more about how Ben Eager is terrible.
Then, Bergfors puts one home. Feels like he scores on Fleury more than Veronique does.
We wish we had something to give you, anything, in the form of an illustration.
But we can't. The press didn't cooperate. It's 3-2.
Meltdown or takedown. YOUR CHOICE, BOYS.
Fleury makes an enormous save on Eager with three people sitting on top of his head. Not even kidding or exaggerating.
Thrashers pull Pavelec, act like things matter in life.
Malkin coasts in for the empty net. Thrashers defenders try to maintain dignity by giving up on the play.
HAT TRICK CITY.
NOT A PROBLEM.
Chris Thorburn, according to Bob Errey
MOST CURIOUS CASE OF GOOGLE PREDICTIVE SEARCH BOMBS
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Marc-Andre Fleury - still believing in you, bb
2. Bob Errey - strong performance all night
3. Byfuglien's second stomach - it tried
We'll see the Pens play the Rangers on Monday.
The Rangers are still a team?
It's a Saturday night in the middle of November.
The Pens played what seemed to be their first or second truly decent game of the season Friday in Pittsburgh against Tampa. Fleury looked like himself for 60 whole minutes. We saw his lone regular season win become two. Word has just come down that he is starting again this evening in Atlanta.
It's time to make things right with the world. Exorcise any remaining demons.
First of all, reader [Megan] alerted us to the fact that Rob Rossi continues to make videos of his face talking saying things that he probably already says in his articles.
Things to notice about this:
the weird insertion of his opinions and understandings of Fleury's game, as if he's ever been an NHL goaltender and can really speak with authority on these matters
HIS FUCKING HAIR
We totally understand innovative use of new media in order to bring content to your readers.
But: a.) VIDEOS AREN'T NEW AND INTERESTING ANYMORE. b.) given the choice between glancing over a Trib article and watching SEVERAL UNNECESSARY MINUTES of Rob Rossi's face, what are you going to pick?
Do you think these videos have as many COMPLETE plays as our site has daily hits?
WHO WATCHES THIS STUFF. Would you even trust the voice of Rob Rossi to communicate Pens commentary to a blind person?
We find ourselves not remembering anything about this video other than. . .his fucking hair.
A+++++++ to Megan, whose amazing analysis of this video is truly inspiring:
In this video, Rob is sporting:
- hippie hair (which I think would probably look okay if it wasn't on Rob Rossi)
- the turleneck and blazer combo of an english professor who thinks his female students should want to sleep with him
- the glasses you wear to Starbucks when you want to publicly write on your laptop so that everyone can see that you're a writer and you're fucking important
- the soulful chin pubes of a jazz flute player (I think he missed the boat on Movember. A mustache goes on your upper lip, not your double chin. He's not saving any asses with that bullshit.)
Anyway, Fleury needs us yet again. These are the Blingees from our Call to Arms last evening:
These three from PH Blingee Master, TP.
incredibly solid performance from MouthGuard. The deer, the whiskey. It's like you know us.
Game starts like 15 minutes after I post this.
Make some noise.
Philips Arena = really dark inside
Something that you may have noticed, that we didn't really have time to notice until just now, is that Puck Huffers is now 2.
We know that we are slovenly two-year-olds. We misbehave, scream, and sit on the floor of the mall in front of the entrance to Bon-Ton when we don't want to walk anymore.
But we are gracious to those of you who read us, even though we are crazy, inconsistent, and impossible at times.
But I mean, we're like the Penguins in that way. We can't help it. Possibly beginning to think that we channel their season performance into our own.
THANK YOU for making our lives better. We love each and every one of you. Always and forever. Like a good cup of coffee on a winter's day, you keep us warm inside. And yes, that is an intentionally creepy statement.
ON TO BUSINESS
THE HAIR LEAGUE HAS FINALLY BEEN UPDATED.
Sorry for the delay. The leaderboard hasn't changed, but there are a lot of teams that are definitely within reach of the top spots. It would take just one or two big hair performances from some of the outlying players to totally change this game. Think Jordan Staal when he finally comes back. Think Fleury. Think Craig Adams.
Talbot's an attention whore so you knew he was going to perform. But we know there are going to be shakeups.
Max offers his expert commentary on Lecavalier, Stamkos, and St. Louis.
Question: how many times has the Pens' problem been "playing 60 minutes"? Even the year we won the Cup?
How hard is it to play 60 minutes of hockey in the NHL? How many other coaches/players say this?
You've gotta wonder.
Games against Tampa are like games played in a basement while drunk.
We'll see who pukes first.
ANYWAY IT'S FRIDAY
How can we permit net-crashing when we want to put pretty much everyone in time out?
Well, some people transcend the usual human limits of selfhood and are beasts regardless of what happens otherwise in the Universe.
EVGENI MALKIN CAN CRASH MY NET
oh come on. this is like a permanent condition, not a weekly gift.
WHY HE IS ALLOWED TO HAVE THIS ENVIABLE HONOR AGAIN
Because the man just does not quit.
You can question his mental state, wonder what's "wrong" with him this year (and last year) but he tends to play with his whole body and mind. Sometimes this is a poor reflection, sometimes an excellent one, but we can't think of anyone else who plays hockey this honestly.
Against the Bruins, he looked dominant, he got pissed, he was like a bull being stuck repeatedly by a matador, but he still didn't die. He comes out every night with his heart on his sleeve, which sometimes means BAM. Big fucking goal. Sometimes it means 2 assists, but a #2 star for just looking like a monster on skates.
Good job, Gene.
We love you.
THE WHOLESOMENESS PART OF IT
DO YOU LIKE MY NEW HAT(S)
The last time we posted our favorite Brother Steven .gif, the Pens ended up losing.
Brother Steven .Gif #1 is on hiatus until the mojo changes.
What do we need tonight? FLEURY INSPIRATION .GIFS. E-mail them to us. Example:
Last night was horrible. Let's be honest.
You watched 40 minutes of this game and you were like HELL YES.
This is the team I know! Look at them go! Playing a real, live hockey game and not screwing up or anything!!!
Going into the third period with a 4-2 lead can indeed be tricksy. You knew Boston was going to fight back.
But there is no excuse--none--for the nuclear disaster of epic proportions that occurred in the final 20 of this game.
How do we contemplate this issue? We absolutely can't give awards for it, that's for sure. Normally we forego awards shows because we're being lazy, but it's fucking Veterans Day and I'm not doing anything special.
I just don't know what to say. Do we rehash the good? Do we dwell on the bad?
We'll get criticism either way. If we talk about the GOOD part of this game, we risk people being like, "WHAT THE FUCK BITCHES WHY ARE YOU NOT FOCUSING ON THE PROBLEM." If we talk about the bad, people will be like, "OMG WHY SO SERIOUS." I mean, there's a reason this happened.
But I didn't have the energy to contemplate it.
Instead I ended up watching The Strangers, which was strangely appropriate.
We were stalked by masked assailants all evening, until, in the penultimate moment, after this had gone on long enough, we just got stabbed repeatedly in our torsos.
5 goals given up in the third period? Are you serious?
Where are the TRADE BRENT JOHNSON assholes? Anyone?
The deer is key.
Asham scored his first as a Pen and played nasty.
There were fights.
Mark Recchi achieved all over our faces.
Malkin was a beast. Finishing even with 21 minutes of ice time when your team gave up 7 goals isn't bad. Penguins were a -16 on the night. Malkin played hard.
He doesn't have to practice today. He should do vodka shooters and watch an SVU marathon or something. We don't care. He's fine.
BROOKS SCORED BROOKS SCORED WE LOVE HIS MOUTH AND HIS FACE LOOK AT IT.
Running out of fun things to say.
Claude Julien's face:
31.6% of you wanted to go on a date to a shady Thai restaurant with Milan Lucic.
Anyone have a reevaluation of this? We're sorry about the poll. We'll post a new one soon as well as hair league updates.
We will leave you with two things:
Cupcakes by @mybruinsoface and @xokathryn_. This may be part of the reason that the Bruins won. Baking cupcakes creates power.
Also, Asham's face:
Get yourself killed?
We believe in the Pittsburgh Penguins. The whiskey has to kick in eventually.
The Bruins coming to town was probably going to be fun.
Of course, we had no idea of the frolic we would have.
. . .for 40 minutes.
Tim is fat.
Tomorrow's a holiday.
Recap then when we manage to cleanse ourselves from the radiation of fucking Chernobyl.