Mini-blog hiatus until we can get regular Internet access and stop being shits. 19th century blog networking over here.
E-mail us if you need anything.no comments
Mini-blog hiatus until we can get regular Internet access and stop being shits. 19th century blog networking over here.
E-mail us if you need anything.no comments
Not everyone is a huge fan of Bob Errey's color commentary. A lot of fans of other teams who get stuck with the FSN Pittsburgh feed on game night are known to complain on YouTube and other outlets, like "Who the hell is this guy? He's such a homer."
No, friends. Bob Errey has the most childlike joy for the game of hockey that we have ever seen on this Earth. And as we all know, on Christmas Eve, Bob Errey says a prayer to Santa asking if he can suit up for the Pens just one more time. Basically, we believe this. It's in the PH Bible somewhere.
And he is finally having his chance, because the Pens have announced that he will be on the alumni roster.
Scott Walker on the Caps roster. wut.
We have Uncle Billy Guerin and Gary Roberts. No clue how this even happens.
We love life.
Hair League will be updated as soon as Zoë gets back to Pennsylvania unscathed for the Holidays.
Travel days are in effect.
The winning streak starts on Monday.
Everything was going great, and then the car engine blew up in the Fort Pitt Tunnel during rush hour on our birthday.
This is one of those heinous losses where you're pretty sure it's all a nightmare.
So, put on some music, upend a bottle of liquor into your faceholes, and just go to sleep.
Maybe in the morning your headache will make you forget that this ever happened.
Regardless of ending, there was a beginning and a middle as well, and for that, the awards must go on.
MOMENT YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO UPEND THAT LIQUOR BOTTLE INTO YOUR FACE TONIGHT
By your estimation it is like a split fucking second into the game before the Rangers decide that they want to try some funny business in the Pens defensive zone. No one approves of this nonsense. In reality (sorry, after that last PBR we're not going by your estimation) it's one minute into the game when disaster comes oh-so-close to striking. Both in reality and by your estimation, the public service announced by Brent Johnson at 1:09 is fairly fucking awesome.
WE DON'T WANT NONE
With a starting save like that, you know the Rags have a broken spirit. Time to step in and take what's ours once again.
MOST AWKWARD RELATIONSHIP
The first period made it look like the Pens and Rags were in some sort of failing, strange hook-up situation. No one was really sure where anyone was going with the whole situation, they seemed hesitant to be near one another, and the sex was kind of bad.
Don't believe us?
We know incompatible sex when we see it.
Seriously, though, how is press never available for a goal but can always manage to catch these terrible moments? Either they are people exactly like us, or nothing like us.
First person to formally question press about their favorite breakfast food and primary goals in life gets a free t-shirt.
SERIES OF EVENTS THAT MADE YOU LOL AND REMEMBER WHO WE HAVE ON OUR TEAM
First of all:
Only one team in the NHL can have him, and through the love of Curry, that team is us.
How, exactly, do franchises work without players like Sidney Crosby?
We get it - a couple other teams have players with the potential to be just as good as Sid.
But without the very distinct qualities of Sidney Crosby - hard work, talent, being a genuinely good person, that moustache, et ceters - that potential just does not pan out as often as it does for Sid. Sometimes, when things are bad (which they are not right now - the thought of the 08/09 season strikes fear into our very hearts and makes moments like this one seem laughable) we just remember "Hey, we have Sidney Crosby. Lols."
LOL OH HAI MALKIN HOW IS YOUR SECOND DAY BACK?
Watching Crosby and Malks swoop in on the net is enough to get us all excited. Throw in that move by Malks at the end there?
Those in the arena heard a very familiar voice broadcast as Malks moved in for the kill.
Down, Back, A, Down, Back, B.
Double Rocket Blast.
LEAST PHOTOGENIC, MOST LOVED
The president is a little guy, but also the fastest man alive.
He deserves some lovin' for all that heart.
We feel that this is the appropriate time for said lovin'
Pleasssse someone get Tyra on the horn to give that boy some tips.
WORST PERSON IN THE HISTORY OF HUMANITY
Sean Avery is the biggest douche in history. Seriously.
Sean Avery is only in this photo in spirit, but this appropriately depicts the constant gayparade that is this jagwagon's life.
Not only is he a douche, he sings off key, wears womens pajamas to bed, and he has violated an innocent sheep kept on a farm just outside of the city. Several times.
Tell your friends.
Oh, and then, as if the second period weren't enough to prove it,
The first person to kick Mr. Avery in the balls gets two t-shirts.
What a fucking jagoff.
If your kids ask why santa didn't bring them a pony this year, do the world a favor and let them know it was Sean Avery.
Sean Avery ruined Christmas, children.
Just like he does every year.
MOMENT YOUR LOVED ONES HID THE STRAIGHT RAZORS AND BOURBON
We don't really have the heard to cover what happened at the end of the game, so we will let a photo take the place of our explanation.
This photo is worth about a billion words, all accurate.
Pens lose 4-1.
Weirdest moment, too.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
For keeping us warm on nights that wins don't.
2) Sidney Crosby.
3) Evgeni Malkin.
Fuck everyone. When we can give an alt star to Crosby and Malkin on the same night, it is just time to go to bed.
Buck up, little buddies.
Everything is going to be okay.
On Monday we play the Muskrats, and as the official owners, we can pull some strings.
Speaking of, stay tuned tomorrow for some 'rats news.
Just to get you in the mood for Muskrat blood.
It's delicious in stews.
Sleep it off. Drink it off. Shake it off.
Either way, we're never losing again.
Ouch, Pens website. Did you really have to make it seem THAT dramatic?
Even that photo. Ugh.
So...ending the streak does kind of suck, but come on, can we really be that upset?
As far as we're concerned, tomorrow night we start back at game one of our next winning streak.
If this had been a movie, we'd have been looking for some drama, some story arcs. You have to lose sometimes, just to make it spicy.
Let's focus on the good times here tonight with a few individual awards, just to soften the blow before we reacquaint you with a world where the houses aren't all made out of black and gold gumdrops.
Put up your feet, take a deep breath, and repeat:
The Pens are Never Losing Again.
THE HONORARY BEAR GRYLLS AWARD OF EXCEPTIONAL KICKASSERY
Malks is finally back on the ice, making turning on the Penguins game feel a little bit more like being home. Of course, within moments on the ice he had reminded us that, no, this was not about being warm and cuddly and full of Christmas spirit, it is about striking raw fear into the hearts of grown men. On ice.
We're pretty sure he could survive days in the wilderness living only off of the land and and manliness.
THE GOLD STAR AWARD
Sometimes people be hatin' when they know they shouldn't be hatin'.
MAF, with the help of his guardian angel (Brent Johnson) sent by Curry himself led us through this winning streak. So we can't blame him for anything except for melting our hearts a little.
Facing a wicked amount of shots this evening, I think this man deserves our love, respect, honor and gold star stickers.
THE SILVER LINING
Flyers games always mean hilarious antics and photographic evidence of said antics that will keep us entertained for weeks to come.
The reality of this loss is that it was no biggie. We can accept less than perfection. Sometimes.
We're going to pick up right where we left off before this game. The Rangers? What do those jagwagons have on us? Absolutely nothing.
Streak Pt. 2, here we come.
If you get too overwhelmed by the loss of the streak, remember that somewhere the is probably a kitten playing with a dinosaur toy.
(The likelihood of this is actually quite tiny, but the universe is a lot better when you imagine it with kittens, unless you start thinking about the masses of murdered kittens due to Pierre McGuire and his penis head and constant yammering and oh god the kitten massacre it is coming back to me no no no)
We will get through it, we will see another day, and we will never, ever lose again.
Finally updated the Hair League. Here is your current top 25:
The gap on the top is still closing.
Can't wait for the All-Star Game to make shit nasty.
Check out the
Hair League Page.
Also, from 4evainheaven, introducing:
Absolutely beautiful logo. We absolutely can't think of anything that could be prettier.
And, surprise. The San Jose Sharks are officially the San Jose Grapefruits:
"If you add sugar, they're tolerable and may even win stuff. Otherwise, they're this:"
Consider the breakfast league a standing challenge as long as you are on Curry's green earth. All breakfast-related photoshops should be directed to us.
Also, you may have seen this graphic on Puck Daddy:
You can buy that shirt on the left here.
We're not receiving any reimbursement or anything for saying that. We haven't talked to these people at all. We just think they are perfect stocking stuffers. You know, for the people in your life who have real interest.
Also, Kings in Detroit right now.
JQuick on Fire.
It's finals week, boys. Give us something good.
Amazing gifs are popping up all over the Internet. We didn't make these.
maybe we'd be more famous if we posted on HFBoards.
At any rate, we consider this a public call-out to the guy throwing the waffles.
Will you come over to our place for breakfast?
There's an entire annoying Tumblr account in this, you realize. Like the one where celebrities are photoshopped into different kinds of bread. Every hockey team has a breakfast food. The Toronto Maple Leafs are Eggo waffles, clearly. Lacking in nutrients, strangely delicious at times, not quite filling, but present.
Which brings us to:
TODAY'S PH SUNDAY CHALLENGE
Come up with a breakfast food that is analogous to every team in the NHL. Why didn't we think of this sooner?
E-mail us breakfast/NHL photoshops to support your claims.
We think the Calgary Flames are crispy bacon, for example. Cripsy, crispy bacon. And the New York Islanders are clearly high fiber oatmeal. The Carolina Hurricanes are steak and eggs. This could seriously go on for hours.
Awards show is briefly on vacation because my sinuses aren't allowing me to stay awake at the moment.
But really, here's what you need to know about this game: it was nasty, but the Pens didn't let the Sabres goon shit do them in. They continued to pressure them, even when it seemed like a Sabres equalizer was just a shift away.
And this is #12. The bubble surrounding the Pens is getting bigger. It's going to burst eventually. The question is when. We now go on a game-by-game basis in making judgments. Tonight, it was surviving the bullshit, remembering which ref's wife you boned, and jeering at the Cock Cozy.
Here's what you need to know about the Pens: every night, they are getting contributions from throughout the lineup.
They're playing with a TON of young players who have come up through the system. They are missing Malkin and Staal. When the Pens made Cup runs in the last couple years, all they talk about is "depth at center" making this team hard to beat, and this is what we're seeing right now. After Crosby, the depth chart at center right now jumps straight to. . .Max Talbot? What the jesus fuck? I mean no offense Max, but there aren't a lot of teams in the league on which you could play #2 center. And we applaud you for being a bad ass mother fucker.
We obviously want Malkin and Staal back. But it's hard to imagine what's going to happen when they're healthy and ready to go. The great thing is: no pressure. Malkin doesn't have to rush back and save the motherland, for example.
Basically, the Pens didn't play very well, but they still won--and finding ways to win when you don't feel awesome is, well. . .that's why streaks like this stay alive.
Next game is Philly--you can imagine how excited everyone is.
And Sid, who was mostly bottled up all night, stood up for himself like a beast, and got some jobber secondary assist in the third period on Goligoski's game-winning goal. So:
Dustin Jeffrey was so awesome this game, we almost forgive him for being rude to us that one time.
Steiggy and Errey missed a huge chunk of actually calling this game talking about the Alumni Game.
We would say more about the Alumni Game, except that every time we think about it, we start crying.
Jay revealed on postgame that he will suit up for it. We're still hoping for Bob Errey.
Fleury is a friggin' rock of doom. Unfuckingreal and underrated performances throughout this streak.
Finally, public service announcement: Pominville's a crackwhore.
TP is a machine. galloping horses omg.
Let's be honest.
With the team functioning like this, there's really no one who we don't want to crash our net at any given moment.
But sadly, we have the painstaking decision to make of which one we would choose above all others. Our lives are so very, very hard.
Please direct some pity our way.
ERIC GODARD CAN CRASH MY NET
On Saturday he netted a 10:21 TOI, an amount of time almost unheard of for Our Favorite Eric. 17 PIM during the Toronto game, every moment of it spent not think about what he had done, rather what he was going to do the moment he got back on the ice with those motherfuckers.
Also, he winked at every single lady he saw in the audience on his way off of the ice.
Just because he's a pimp.
Who doesn't love the perpetually-high looking face that Eric Godard has?
Between that and his shit-eating-grin, we always feel as though he's mildly confused, but with a horrible plan up his sleeve.
Man can rock facial hair like a rockstar. And chest hair.
LAST SURGE OF DESIRE
Fighting for your captain is much life fighting for your country, only slightly more important, and mildly more sexy.
THE WHOLESOMENESS PART OF IT
We all know how Eric is with charity and children. Seriously. It's pretty obscenely adorable.
He's also been known to win the team's "Edward J. DeBartolo Community Service award", for his "exceptional effort and time committed to community and charity projects.
We're pretty sure that means he's the Greatest Human.
And just in case you forgot:
WHAT HAPPENS THE MORNING AFTER
"Hey baby, how you doin' girl? I'm going to make a t-shirt with your name on it and wear it around the mall so everyone will know you're my lady."
Eric is a simple man, and he feels as though his greatest contribution to your love are things he works on with his own creativity, displaying his own special level of love and devotion. He will always let you ride on his handlebars.
CONVERSELY, WHO IS NOT EVEN ALLOWED NEAR OUR NETS
No, Cody McCormick, we will not love you so long as you have that face and a name that sounds like it came from a Disney Channel Original film.
Please go away now.
Let's do it.
Keepin' the streak alive.
We promise we'll provide you Hair League metrics after the Sabres game--things are really heating up in the Hair League. I know we don't update daily, but the standings change daily, in ways you wouldn't believe. In the meantime, here are a few Leafs Blingees:
Kris Versteeg, by Mouth Guard.
Luke Schenn and Jonas Gustavsson by TP
Clarke MacArthur, by Grace.
Letestu, again by TP, this time just scoring on Gustavsson.
Now, to the real meat of this post.
The quality of Sidney Crosby Blingees we have been getting is mind-boggling and frightening, just like the Pens have been lately.
TP had this offering. The wolf is really key.
However, we received this image of the "Crosdra" from 4evainheaven, which may be the closest we've come to spontaneously joining a religion.
the frame rate isn't the best on this one, so she also provided the following, without fireworks:
That brings us to you, rest of the public.
This is Puck Huffers, where winners are Blingeed.
It is our thinking that if we continue to Blingee Crosby, good things will happen.
We have a documented history of making things happen with Blingees. So get to it.
11 wins in a row, and we can't take it lightly. You know why. Because the target on the Pens' backs hasn't been bigger in the regular season for a long, long time. Last season, with the words "Stanley Cup hangover" being thrown around, people knew they had to beat the Stanley Cup Champions--but it wasn't anything like this. You didn't see stretches of domination like this. The Pens' let up in the third period, but they were facing a hungrier Leafs team that had just decimated the Caps' defense in the third period only a couple nights ago. Not that the Caps defense is good or anything, but still.
For some reason, Ron Wilson's team lately has found their confidence around 20:00 of the third period, and they're pretty comfy with that, or at least they were.
Another reason you can't take this lightly is because the Pens have totally been this team, not being able to turn it on until they were down. The Pens have totally been this team, chilling in 13th place in the East in December flipping out half the time and twiddling thumbs the other half. The goal of every franchise is to never skate that team. But every franchise does.
Regardless of where you are in the standings, it's impossible to look at any regular season win and say, "yes, this is it." Until the team you skate is raising the Cup, it's never "it." And even then, it's only that way for a little while. Such is the joy of the NHL.
Do not take this win lightly. But please, please enjoy it.
Seth Rorabaugh (@emptynetters) just tweeted this bit from Bylsma: "We still think we can get a lot better than how we’re playing right now."
11 straight wins, let's do this.
WORST REASON FOR THE PRESS TO SHOW UP
The Press sent all their best guys to Pittsburgh because Canada was in town. Snore.
Shortly after the opening faceoff, the Leafs defense falls completely asleep in their own zone and hands the puck to Kunitz, who feeds Crosby. Crosby comes inches from scoring right there, and it's basically on. Godard then takes the ice and starts making swift feeds to the point like a regular Evgeni Malkin working the half wall on the PP. Could have sworn he played more than 2:42. BUT OH WELL I MEAN IT'S CANADA
Errey loves to talk about Gustavsson. Just HOW big is he, you might ask? Well, I mean, we didn't get any stats, but pretty big. He's making all the huge saves early. We would provide a visual, but apparently nobody in Canada thought of taking a picture of Gustavsson making a save in the first period.
Kunitz and Sid come in on a rush, and Koon hits the post. Sid attacks the puck like it needs to be put out of its misery. Gustavsson is helpless. Goal.
No idea what Canada was thinking with this shot. Terrible shot framing.
Errey asks the eternal question: "WHAT WAS KOMISAREK DOING." Regarding his defense on the play, that is.
MOMENT YOU MOST/LEAST WANTED COLBY TO COME HOME
Pens follow the goal up with some outstanding defensive play.
Sid and Colbs have a moment.
Colby loses his helmet, yells about it.
Meanwhile, Orr wants Engelland. Canada jumped all over this:
That last one is just stunning work.
Tang ends the period in perfect finesse, jumping all over every puck in the existence of the world.
The shots by the end of the 1st are 13-4. eep.
My feed was ESPN America, and it was playing this amazing Jack Daniel's commercial that I can't find on YouTube about giving all your man friends whiskey for Christmas.
Well, we're not your man friends, but we want whiskey for Christmas. The ad is not on YouTube. But it damn well should be.
PERIOD THAT COULD HAVE GONE EITHER WAY UNTIL THE PENS CHANGED THAT
The period starts with Pens making a lot of great chances happen that they can't really finish. The Leafs come back and almost capitalize on a giveaway by Fleury while Steiggy and Errey are probably eating sandwiches or talking about thighs or something.
The Leafs get their second penalty of the night for Too Many Men and Ron Wilson doesn't even look pissed about it. Yet. Apparently CEC has some intense strobe light in the penalty box. Bizarre.
The best thing about the penalty was that after it FSN showed baby pictures of Colby Armstrong's son that we didn't screenshot because we were too busy being girls and looking at the pictures earnestly.
Pens get into some more penalty trouble. Adams rapes Sjostrom. That's boarding I guess.
Leafs fall tragically asleep at the point. Dupes and Kunitz rush up-ice completely undefended. Gustavsson should have just skated out of the net as soon as they crossed the blueline and gone to beat the everloving shit out of Kaberle and whoeverthefuck else they had working their points.
SEQUENCES THAT BROKE YOUR UTERUS, REALLY
Craig busts out of the box, almost snipejobs Gustavsson.
Next sequence, all the Pens collapse around the Leafs' net. Letestu would not be denied. Booooom.
It was that TK-Letestu-Conner line on the ice. Everyone is already saying that you don't break up this line. We're inclined to agree, we just gotta see who (other than Comrie) is willing to either get scratched every night or get waived. Don't know about the cap situation once Staal is activated. We don't want to jump the gun on these things.
. . .couple breaths later, Crosby and Kunitz are flying down ice on a 2-on-1. Koon places the pass. Last season, maybe, Crosby guns that wide, but still finishes the season with over 50 goals. This season he already has 26 so fuck everything. That's #26, by the way. Again, Komisarek had no clue what was going on.
So much love in the room.
oh yeah 4-0. everyone pregnant up in here.
MOST PREDICTED BREAKDOWN
You knew Mike Komisarek was going to flip shit eventually. He's always on the precipice of some homicidal rage that ends in him eviscerating himself on live television.
Fleury and Michalek stand tall for the rest of the period. 4 on 4 happens at some point. Steiggy and Errey were probably so caught up remembering the 85-86 Penguins top PP unit that they forgot to explain the penalties.
Early in the third, we learn that last game the Leafs played against the Caps was the first time in FRANCHISE HISTORY that they had scored two goals in the last three minutes to tie the game.
Yes that had to be its own award.
Komisarek Breakdown Watch reaches Code Red when Rupp hits someone and Komisarek reacts like his entire family and all the world's innocent orphans were just killed in an earthquake of fire.
Kid in the yellow hat is going to be a career fourth-liner, and loves it.
Back at the ranch, people are running Sid, specifically Rosehill. Rosehill hit Paul Martin for no reason. Then three people attack Rosehill.
So Godard destroy's Rosehill's face.
We're down with the sickness.
Unfortunately, the Pens weren't. Crosby got 4 minutes for something.
Leafs get a PP goal.
someone, somewhere, thinks this is okay:
Repeat: CODE RED.
MOST HEROIC PK UNTIL THE PINEAPPLE GOT INVOLVED
Pens kill a bunch of shit after. Then Grabovski gets a loooong shot in on Fleury. 4-2 at this point. Everyone is scared. Chernobyl watch.
This guy's pants so full of jizz:
sorry just. what a picture. Not to mention the lack of Leafs goal celebrations photographed by Canada. WHAT THE FUCK CANADA
THE ROLLER COASTER BEGINS
Martin dumps Kadri, which seems like a good play, but then the Pens can't get puck possession and ice it at least a million times.
They have one shot in the period.
To get the second shot, the TK-Conner-Letestu line goes to work. Kennedy rushes down ice, passes to Letestu, who gives it a go.
oh hey, did you see that?
I tried to cap Letestu's hair during 2nd intermission but apparently it was too awesome and it broke my computer.
MOST IN NEED OF A LIFE COACH OR PRESCHOOL TEACHER'S AIDE
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Tang - made love to every puck like it was about to be pregnant with his only child
2. Chris Conner - laying out dudes twice his size and making all the right plays and basically being the best person.
3. Komisarek's family hypnotist - going to be making some really expensive phone calls tonight.
Go Pens, fuck yeah.
lost in shootout. Image from Puck Daddy who covered this issue.
P.P.S. Some WC promo:
we have mixed feelings about this, but we think maybe HBO was thinking of us and our addiction to them when True Blood is on. Possibly.
I mean, there's no way that you can be a Caps fan or Pens fan and lack interest in this program. It's going to be so interesting and bizarre to watch.
TOMORROW: Blingees and hair.
and once more with feeling