Okay, we feel kinda bad. We just dick whipped Columbus like really hard and it was kinda rude.
This is Filatov before a game in Anaheim. He saw Godzilla coming from there.
Brooks is looking pretty serene pre-game in the locker room. It's almost like he knew that he was going to get drilled by Rick Nash 27 seconds get the uncontrollable urge to start eating souls.
As captioned by our friend Kristen on Twitter: "Let's go wine tasting; I'll leave my machete in the car this time."
But we all know the truth. Brooks would never leave his machete in the car. It's go time.
We then hear all about how Steve Mason is 6'4" and 210 pounds. "That's a big man," they say.
The prostitutes of Columbus that probably escaped with their lives last night would concur.
The ebb and flow of noise in the arena sounds like the direct aftermath of Antietam when not everyone had finished dying yet.
The Pens get a power play, the shots are already 0 to 5 in favor of them.
Paul Martin leads the rush, shoots a puck towards the net. Fuzzy Mike Commodore is there for the tip-in.
that's 1-0 Pens.
Steiggy and Bob start talking about the streak. SERIOUSLY GUYS STOP TALKING ABOUT THE STREAK YOU MIGHT JINX IT.
BEST JOB BY ERIC
No one's sure if the Jackets have a shot yet.
Bylsma puts the fourth line on the ice. Adams and Rupp battle for a puck along the boards, while Eric Godard lurks at the top of the right circle, ready to snipe a one-timer at the speed of light, or something.
Actually it trickles through Stevey's five-hole and Rupp has to help it for the rest of its journey.
But I mean, come on. Eric Godard at the top of the right circle.
That's 2-0 Pens, less than 10 minutes in.
Jackets subsequently go on a PP and I muse in my notes if we can get Eric a hattie.
Steiggy and Errey pass the time by discussing Sid's mustache.
BEST DJ AT THE DISCO
Sid gets high-sticked, Pens go on another PP. Pauly gets alone in the slot for funsies. Stevey opens his legs.
3-0. Oh dear.
Columbus players congregate at the bench for an unofficial timeout or official What the Fuck Moment.
BIGGEST MOMENT OF UNREALITY
Steiggy is talking about tractor tires.
Letestu unleashes a blast from the point, on the power play again somehow, and Crosby deflects it in.
There are no photos of this bit of magic, and there were so many goals that we hardly remember it, so we would like to remind you to drink your milk:
It's 4-0. Oh man how we fear for what could come next. Especially because Stevey got pulled for Garon. Michalek almost snipes one, but you didn't want to get too excited.
I MEAN IT'S NOT LIKE WE CAN SIT BACK OR ANYTHING
Errey discusses at intermission how "there's so many ways to skin the cat." We wish we understood.
Fleury comes out guns blazing to start. Jackets think they have some love that they can use to suss this out, but they are dead wrong.
Tyler Kennedy shows up, meanwhile we are just remembering that Ethan Moreau is a Jacket:
Dramatic camera angle alert:
Errey predicts a Fleury goal. No idea why. Two-goal lead with an empty net is the ideal situation with that.
Technically one Derick and two Dereks but we'll let this slide, Columbus.
Jackets get one. 5-1. No one notices?
the game is an exciting game of catch. everyone is falling over everyone else.
GUYS WHO STILL THOUGHT THIS WAS A PRACTICE DRILL
Pens get a 3 on 1 but Goligoski can't catch up.
Then, Kunitz and Sid get some kind of 2 on 1. Kunitz makes an effortless pass over the defenseman.
Crosby is doing layups.
There isn't even a goaltender.
Rupp and Boll fight over a minor weed deal.
not even sure what reality is anymore.
Jackets scored in the third period, yeah, or something.
Steiggy and Errey then explain to the entire world that Pensblog Charlie is actually Bob Errey.
oh what a night
like a drunken hookup with an old best friend, something about this just defies possibility.
BEST SHOWING BY MARC METHOT
In this photograph, possibly re-enacting something from Paradise Lost.
BEST MUSTACHE POSSIBLY IN YEARS JUST FOR SHEER PERFORMANCE ABILITY
so wrong but so right.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Eric Godard - you know for the goal.
2. Mark Letestu - 2 ass, as we all know, equals 1 goal.
3. Bob Errey - obviously. it is to him that we owe the title of this post.
No idea what happened, sorry this recap is a mess. But watching this game was like taking shrooms.
also, lots of hair points in the mix!
Pens have won 9 straight. Devils next. hm.
Okay, we feel kinda bad. We just dick whipped Columbus like really hard and it was kinda rude.
It is entirely possible that this week broke the Crash My Net Friday machine, so to speak.
You know, we take pride on being the kind of people who appreciate subtleties. The little defensive miracles, the simple but smart hockey plays, the struggles of the underdog, the things that guys can accomplish on the ice with pure hard work.
But this week, we kind of don't give a fuck.
SIDNEY CROSBY AND MARC-ANDRE FLEURY CAN CRASH MY NET
Sid has two hat tricks this past week, one on Saturday and one on Thursday. He made it look easy.
Fleury is in full "fuck you" mode, making the saves he needs to make on all the right people.
You know we give this award based on performance. There'll be someone else with the heroic shot block later on this season. The really sweet pass out of the neutral zone or whatever. But really. Let's not ignore what we have right in front of us.
Not like we can help the stache, but I mean, we'd still hit it.
A bunch of photos went up at some point from the Rangers game. Whoever was photographing for Getty that night had a Sid boner. What a profile.
Also, Fleury's hair. Done:
MaxTal has a bruised foot from practice. Sad.
But he'll probably come back soon. He'd probably be begging to play if his spine was broken in 3 places. Get well soon, boo.
Hey, check out the Hair League page.
New top 25 graphic:
There is now a huge discrepancy between the top ranking team and the next ranking team. Almost 30 points. If you watch our Twitter, you'll see that we believe that Sid is a sleeper pick considering his likely involvement in the All-Star Game. Hair photos out the ass. You know he won't wear that disgusting hat.
We already mentioned at some point that any media from HBO is null and void.
We didn't invite pay cable to this party. We didn't anticipate it. We don't want it throwing off the purity of our game.
We still would like someone to .gif-ify the Tang hairflip from the Rangers game. Beggars can't be choosers, though. This was brought to our attention by people who apparently have Tumblrs.
We don't believe in Tumblr, but this is a solid offering.
I mean we have a Tumblr. But we believe it speaks to a very under-appreciated issue in the hockey world. You know what we mean. Sporadically updated and irrelevant, that's how we like our Tumblrs.
All right NHL.com. All right. We understand you had to get something up quickly in the wake of Sid being a one-man wrecking crew of doom.
But you couldn't have thrown the guy a bone?
Clearly there are very few awards that would be worthy of Sid's individual effort this evening, but we have to honor it somehow, and Sid, consider this post our gift to you.
We really want to make the Pens aware of the hair league before the end of the regular season. Gotta get Sid out of that filthy hat from time to time.
But for now:
MOMENTS THAT WERE SURPRISINGLY PLEASING
Ben Eager got the first shot of the game, that could have been a horrible omen.
Then Sid gets the first hit of the night, it's on Fatass.
Then Asham fights with Chris "Thick" Thorburn:
No clue what Thorburn is trying to do here, but we're sure it's something really important.
BEST LINE AT THE MOMENT
The one with Conner, Kennedy, and Letestu. Here, have a desktop background. Click for full size.
width is 1280 because I have a 13inch MacBook screen. Deal with it.
MEANWHILE, AT GENE'S FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE
Malks takes some kind of penalty. On the way to the box, he probably should have skated by Errey and been like, "Dude, don't jinx it." Because everyone jinxed it. JUST LOOK AT THIS PENALTY KILL 32 STRAIGHT PENALTIES THEY ARE JUST SO IN SYNC THEY KNOW EVERYTHING AND NOTHING WILL EVER STOP THEM EVER WOW WOW
That's 1-0 Thrashers, kids.
BIGGEST ASSIST BY BEN EAGER
When Sid was like haaaay and chipped it towards the net and Eager tipped it in.
There are no photos, but this is an extremely troubling face by Sid, so I can't think of a better place to put it:
And just like that, it's 1-1.
MOST MOMENTS OF EPIC FAIL
Andrew Ladd with a hilarious tripping penalty on Ktang. It was like he didn't even care about life.
The power play fails everywhere.
Then Rupp, cannibal that he is, tries to harvest Byfuglien's fat for fuel.
The refs break it up. Period ends. No one is eaten.
NEW FAVORITE TONGUE TWISTER/ALLITERATIVE PHRASE
"Bumped by Byfuglien"
Where was Byfuglien this game though, other than being kind of indignant and hovering in front of the net when his team wasn't actually passing to him?
That's where Byfuglien was.
Whiffing on a one-timer and allowing Asham to send the puck up to Crosby, who was pulling an Ovechkin up by the blueline.
He opened Pavelec. Surgery.
GOAL THAT CAN'T EVEN BE DESCRIBED
Seems like Crosby's line is out every other shift.
We want to see him out with Gene, but Bylsma won't do it.
Brooks Orpik with some shot that probably would have hit Forbes Avenue if Crosby hadn't. . .
what a fucking deflection.
Look at the highlight and prepare to come in your pants.
hats and scarves errywhere.
One of the best things about having this blog is getting unsolicited Blingees to our inbox.
Steiggy and Errey with Tobias Enstrom's long stick.
It occupies the rest of the broadcast while the Pens preserve what Crosby has done.
Antropov scores at some point.
Letestu almost pees in Pavelec's mouth, but naaaaah.
PERIOD OF MOST INTENSE PRESERVATION
The press really didn't show up for this game, guys. They showed up for Sid. Sort of. Drunk. Scratched their balls all through the third peirod.
Zbynek Michalek and Max Talbot were making the kinds of plays you expect. Total midseason form.
Max blocks Byfuglien's shot in the waning seconds. Gets back up. BUFF BUFF BUFF BUFF who are you?
Time runs out on the Thrashers, and you don't even suspect for a split second that the Pens are going to blow this. You had a feeling.
MOST INTENSE FACE AWARD
Benji Mike Green creating the tying PP goal in Dallas.
This is the intermission interview before. Witness the indignant face.
And then like two seconds later Dallas went back and scored again.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
Brother Steven - for sitting down in Boston's 8-1 dick whipping of Tampa. Stamkos scored no points. Crosby now has 44 points to Brother Steven's 40, and they each have 21 goals.
Max Talbot - for the hero block
MAF - the Thrashers tried to be cute, but Marc-Andre was solid. Suck it.
The Pens will be in Columbus on Saturday.
Be still our hearts.
Hair League updates will come soon (like tomorrow before the game or some shit) one we wade through all of the media that has been thrust into our faces today.
Ben Lovejoy read to some kids.
. . .I mean, really. God, literacy is sexy.
That's 35 hair points in the photo gallery right there.
Also, Dustin Byfuglien is fat. Sam Kasan from the Pens site made sure that America knows, and the media touched base about this sensitive issue with Pascal Dupuis:
On Byfuglien being a larger defenseman:
I don’t know how much he weighs out there, but he’s a really big dude. He plays the puck well and uses his body to an advantage. And he doesn’t get caught too much out of position, either. So he’s playing well.
Based on performance over the last 10 games, the Pens are the hottest team in the league right now, showing 9-0-1.
Next hottest team? The Detroit Red Wings, who are 8-1-1 and sitting atop the West.
During the Rangers game, Bob Errey managed to predict a Detroit/Pens SCF again, which will either look like a premonition from the gods or the dumbest thing ever said come late May.
Kinda hard to talk about. This is the time of the season, though, when you can no longer say "it's only. . ."
How is there so much parity in the Southeast Division this season?
You know, you think you've seen everything. Then this happens.
This coloring is from everyone's favorite, [Mouth Guard]. We don't claim to understand it. But it is pretty special.
The more you color, the better things will be!
QUICK ROUND OF THRASHERS MARRY FUCK OR KILL
2 games for $44 in Atlanta. Awesome.
We almost put Burmistrov. But he was born in 1991. Even though he is 19 we feel like that is illegal.
And listen: we know we run a Pens site. But if we just did marry, fuck, or kill with Penguins it would get old VERY quickly.
Listen, Brandon. YES, you. THAT Brandon.
You realize that you play for a team that employs Sean Avery?
You also realize that almost everyone in the league commits questionable plays at one time or another?
And that it's considered relatively professional to move on from these moments and accept them as part of your career?
Still calling shenanigans on this, too.
Bottom line: Brandon, if you want to throw sand in the sandbox, don't be surprised if someone throws sand back at you.
And please stop hoarding all of the shiny pails.
You may be wondering why there are 66 o's in the wooo of the title.·
Interestingly enough, Mario's number just so happened to come up when I held in the o too long because I am drunk! I then thought it would be fun to point out an excess of o's due to intoxication, but when I did a character count, it just happened.
Okay, first of all, HOW ABOUT THIS FREAKING WINNING STREAK?!?!?
We all know that the Pens were doing kind of shitty.
But now we are third in the league, and we will in fact be ignoring the whole part where we have 5 games on DET. Jerks.
Really, what you're looking at is the crushing reality of the fact that you are following two girls (three, if you count our lovely intern) who are in school and currently facing finals time. This means stress, drunkenness, half-baked ideas, and strange sexual desires and urges to watch goalie fights on youtube until 3 AM while avoiding writing a paper for Patterns in Social Service Delivery or whatever they hell they call classes these days.·
Drink it in, everyone.
It's something special.
So, here's a half baked version of awards, just for you, because we don't mind putting off that paper just a few more hours for a hockey game and some wonderful people (that's you.)
MOST ALARMING TRANSITION
Well, even if this photo doesn't quite show it, MAF has recently gone from your goofy older brother to that hilarious hot guy who sits diagonally from you in your history seminar.·
We'd never step on Veronique's toes, but let's just say we briefly had a time machine, could go back and make her have never been in his life, get with him around this time, go back, and put her back in his life, we would do it.
But really, those are the only circumstances. We love that lady. Deeply.
In fact, if she invited us...
Well. Let's not go too far here.
THE STRANGEST PHOTO AWARD
EDITOR'S NOTE: THIS IS WHERE I WAS FUCKING WRITING THE ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS AND JOOMLA DECIDED TO DELETE MY ENTIRE POST OMG NOW I HAVE TO REWRITE THE WHOLE ENTIRE THING, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. It is going to be so half baked from here on out, guys, seriously, I do not have all night to fight with technology.
Anyway, this photo is straight up out of a 1970s textbook on hockey.
From the chapter " The 1-2-2 trap and how to bribe the commissioner with sexual favors."
THE THING THAT HAPPENED NEXT AWARD
Something happened and then something else, and then press knew that this photo needed to be taken.
Tanger was a hero, to be blunt. When we needed him to be, because things had gotten kind of boring and scary.
OUR PRESIDENT AND SAVIOR
Conner scored a goal and was outrageous and awesome. No one took a picture of it.
However, a certain man that we elected into the office assisted, and then later went to arms for the sake of his country. Someone did, in fact, take a photograph of that one.
MOST WORTHLESS THING
No one took a picture of this, either, but luckily the same thing happened 364 days ago anyway, so we can use that photograph if we use some imagination and ignore some details.
ONLY INDIVIDUAL AWARD AND ALTERNATIVE STAR
The case of PBR I found in my kitchen.
For comforting me when Joomla deleted my entire post, and for taking the pain of writing a million papers away from me.
God, I am so angry right now. But at least the Pens are on a bitchin' streak and it will continue until the end of time and I will never have to worry about anything ever again in my entire life.
Hair League page has received its updates.
Brent Johnson has overtaken Pascal Dupuis as the lead point-getter.
Dude never wears a hat when he's on the bench. We questioned those of you who picked Beej at the beginning of the season, but he is proving to be a surprise hair prospect.
Every game we get a shot of him on the bench? 10 points.
Or anytime there is a good photo of him.
Would you like to do some coloring? Click for a little bigger.
Also let us know if we missed anything major Hair League-wise. Yuengling and vodka made sure we were somewhat disoriented this Thanksgiving weekend.
Something we forgot to mention about the CEC experience last post: someone should get those poor ice girls t-shirts that fit. We are concerned about their working conditions.
ETA: HOW THE BALLS DID WE NOT KNOW ABOUT THE CLUTTERSTACHE. Maybe it's something we weren't meant to know.
OH HEY, look at what team is currently the hottest in the NHL after raising all kinds of uncomfortable questions about consistency!
But, we could just enjoy this for what it was, which is: a pure win on a pure day. We woke up to snow. We drove to Pittsburgh with sandwiches and our toes basically froze off getting tickets and having good conversation with Rush Line Friends. But it was clearly worth it:
There were some shenanigans of interest.
The Flames kept attacking the Pens at random moments. Regehr notably tossed Ktang into Fleury in a fit of ill-advised rage.
And Engelland dropped some joke.
This was our first experience at CEC, by the way. Our verdict is that it's amazing.
Except the lack of shady concrete wall above the players' lot so you can jeer the visitors' bus and inspect the tailoring of everyone's dress pants.
And, you know, cheer and see the boys without being in it for the autographs.
RIP The Wall At Mellon Arena.
Other than that, and maybe a little too much Ryan Mill, nearly flawless arena experience. Can't go wrong with a hat trick. Around half the present fans stuck around for Sid's postgame interview with Potash and they were nearly far too loud for it to continue. His huge, goofy smile and muttered "thank yous" were all you needed to know. Dude's on cloud nine. He's 23, he's the best at what he does, and Brother Steven is slightly behind him in the points race. Things are looking up for the Pittsburgh Penguins. If only they could get the Wall back. Then everything would be perfect.
Gene played great. He's about due for an explosion of awesome.
You know that as soon as they pulled Kiprusoff Crosby'd be on the ice, by the way.
Oh, the spirit of competition.
We love hockey season.
If anyone was wondering where we were, Pinnacle found us about midday, wondering the streets naked and mumbling something about a mission involving a $3 toaster that we did not accomplish. It took us into its loving arms and caressed us back into warmth and happiness with a side of root beer.·
If ever we are missing, be sure the cause is alcohol related.·
In some cases, sex. In many, both.
Anyway, back at the ranch, safe and sound, we got to watch MAF block 43 shots, "like a boss" if this were 2006 and kids were still saying that.
And if you were still down on the MAF, he went and scored all ya'all who went with him on your hair league teams some major points:
Malkin and Crosby pulled together some old school shit, and if some lucky man finds out about daylife, he's going to have an awesome photo for the albums. Seriously, someone find this guy and let him know this picture exists.
And, of course, Go-Go saved the day in a very close-call situation, and the press was nowhere to be found.
So anyway, tomorrow's game we're hoping to be at, if we can drag ourselves out of bed early enough to get our asses down to the arena in time. If you see us, give us a shout, but not too loud because Pinnacle is a brutal lover. If you don't see us, honor our presence by doing something dangerous and ill-advised, like trying to hijack a zamboni.
Hope everyone's doing just fine and that no one got beat down by a soccer mom today.
Keep on enjoying those leftovers, knowing you're celebrating the genocide of my people.
But really, you can't argue with time off...
Oh look, yesterday was Thanksgiving, the Pens literally play in like 10 minutes.
We are thankful for, among other things, stampedes at big box stores on Black Friday in Fayette County. And people from high school, not to mention people from college, who still update their Facebook statuses with Fight Club quotes. And Rob Rossi's sweaters.
We're probably going to be on-hand for the Flames game tomorrow.
The goal for today is to just avoid the flying semen, as usual.