Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
What was this game?
We have some answers, I guess. Not good ones. But answers.
Sometimes you have to take whatcha get.

MOST HORRIBLE OMEN
Everyone is falling. Wtf. 
Why do we have to get drunk EVERY TIME WE GO TO FLORIDA?!

Incorrect, Sid. We do not skate on the walls. No, you do not need three more maraschino cherries, you are fine. No, no more Fuzzy Navels. Sid, come on. Why are you doing this to us?


OH WAIT WE FORGOT.
We hate you, Florida. 
As much as we hate winter. We miss you, summer. You seem so far away.

I guess we can't blame the guys too much. We'd be shit faced as well.

TASTIEST MARGARITAS
Drunken giddiness gets the puck SO CLOSE to the Panthers net quite a few times. Penalties are exchanged. TK vomits on the ice and it looks like some good ol margaritas were the only thing in the tank. His friends help him to his feet. He weeps about everyone at the party hating him. We reassure him that WE still love him, and get him some Gatorade. 
Everyone else is still having a MARVELOUS time.
They are still licking the salt off of their lips when this happens.

Sorry if that's unclear - the Panthers scored.
Apparently they are so unused to celebrating that they totally forgot how. 
Look at those faces.
We have no words.

GREATEST CONFUSION
Luckily, James Neal is not the most socially apt member of the Penguins clan, and when Kris clapped him on the back and said "Hey man, we're going to do the bar thing tonight, you in?" he mistook "the bar thing" for something totally different.

Sure, he's a little confused when he keeps getting drunk texts, but he imagines that they are just nervous excitement texts and doesn't bother to respond, too concerned about not measuring up because he's heard these things are pretty hard.
When he gets to the arena, jazzed up on energy drinks and fresh from pre-test carbo-loading, he's in the best shape of the lot.
He assumes the fatigue on the ice is a result of studying fatigue. 
He decides that he's in the best position to make this work, and gets one into the net for us.
Not suspicious of his teammates at all, he heads back to the bench woncering why everything smells like glass cleaner. 

BREAKFAST OF UNRAVELING CHAMPIONS

If anyone has ever offered you endless mimosas, or any other fun times brunch drink, you know what a disaster it is to drink 14 of them with your hash browns. 
The 'guins SHOULD KNOW THIS BY NOW seeing as they are GROWN ASS MEN but alas, when they see this sign, they start salivating.

First of all, Kris can't say no to anything rimmed in colored sugar. Brooks remembered something about strawberries being healthy, and assumed it would be fine. Sid saw that cute striped straw and he was sold - not to mention that when he asked the waitress if the whipped cream was low-cal, she snapped her gum and responded "sure, whatever you want, honey."

9 hours after getting kicked out of the establishment for draining the entire supply of margarita mix, they find themselves on the ice. There may or may not have been a couple dozen cocktails between the two events.
The marvelousness wears off real quick.

"Jesus fucking Christ can these lights get any brighter?!"


Needless to say, it's a disaster.

GREATEST SPIKING
Because he is a dick, Dustin "Dicknose" Jeffery didn't tell anyone else on the team that he brought his own stash to the game - that innocent looking water bottle was just a cover.
His attention is caught when Vokoun heads off the ice, muttering something about going to get a pilsner and a chocolate orange. DJ laughs, brushes it off, but then his eye is caught by the giant machine over the ice. 
When he can finally focus his eyes on the jumbotron and figure out the numbers, he can't believe it.
"Guys...is that a 4...what? Wait, seriously, seriously, Tyler, is that a four? Guys. What? Is that them? Like...the Panthers. Four? FOUR? Guys, what..."
He realizes what has happened.
"GUYS YOU NEED TO START DRINKING NOW."
He sees Chris gag a little at the idea. "No chance, man. That's what got us into this mess."
He sees the guys, all with their heads between their knees, and does what he knows he has to.



Good job, Dicknose. 
We love you, sometimes.

He knows it'll take a few minutes to work, so he gets out on the ice and takes responsibility for bogarting all da booze - scores one to stop the blood from flowing.

GREATEST REAWAKENING
As the average BAC of the team rises, things start to look better.
Everyone's got beer muscles. 
It's AMAZING.

I wish you could see the Martin and Kunitz goals that followed, but press dipped into that sweet, sweet nectar.
So here's sid, licking margarita salt from his lips, as mentioned prior.

The Panthers kick their goalie to the curb as well, but less for drunkenness reasons and more for general shittiness.

MOST OBVIOUS PROBLEM WITH THE PLAN
Everyone is still shithoused.

SADDEST YOU FELT FOR A TEAM THE MOMENT THEY BEAT YOU
While nothing is won with a whole minute left in the game, when the empty net happens you aren't really thinking it's totally yours to win anymore.
But when it's a hat trick...and like...two hats happen?
That is fucking SAD.
I mean, that type of sad where you actually feel embarrassed to watch it happen because you don't want a part in it. Kopecky...you didn't deserve to win. But everyone deserves a shower of hats for a hat trick.
Sorry your team/fans are total balls. 
Escape when you can.


6-4
Pens lose.
 

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

MOST UNQUESTIONINGLY DEDICATED TO THE CAUSE
James Neal.
Still unsure why he would need to pass the bar, but ready to do so for the good of the team nonetheless.

ALT THREE STARS
1. DJ. Deserves all the stars for his stealthy liquor funneling abilities.
2. Vokoun. Because we're sad when he's sad. Don't be sad, buddy.
3. Pens fans. Seriously. Sometimes it takes a sad, sad hat trick for another team to appreciate that you have the greatest fans ever.

Whatever. 
It'll be summer here too, eventually. 
And we'll have the cup to prove it.
Never losing again.
Go Pens.

Oh Brother Steven and Friends, thank you for coming to visit us this chilly evening.
Jimerson drives the demons away with a phenomenal anthem and while it may be Oscars night we are here, friends, with you, to give our own special awards.

GENE HAVING NO HEADACHES OR DISORIENTATION BY THE WAY JUST SAYING
HE IS OKAY
HE COULD BE OKAY

LATE EDIT: APPARENTLY Gene does have a concussion.  :(
please get well soon babe we love you

BEST TRIP TO THE FARM
Kunitz and Sid enter the zone as easily as visiting the farmers' market for cage free eggs.
Nate Thompson, the Egregious Elk, is on the ice at the beginning.
Anders Lindback is a mountain goat. No other explanation.
Sid takes a normal-ass pass from Kunitz and just scores on it. Very simply.
No fuss. The mountain goat retreats.

MOST THRILLING SUBPLOTS
Steiggy and Errey are enjoying saying "Anders Lindback" too much. Steiggy seems to think that Lindback may not be who he says he is, saying ""anders lindback as he refers to himself"--could it not be his real name? We could need a Sudden Death-esque scenario to solve this mystery.
Also, without Gene, Sid and Neal are on a line together.
Meanwhile, in Winnipeg, Tangradi is trying to eke out 6 minutes a night--and Errey brings this up, conspicuously, as if knowing that someone in Pittsburgh will care. Errey talking about how it's great being 6'6" but sometimes your body parts are too far apart. Lindback knows, because he kicked a puck into his own net. Goal is credited to Sid. Penguins didn't even have to touch that.
"LINDBACK'S GOTTA BE WONDERIN WHAT'S GOIN ON"
swedes don't even know

MOST LIKE MELTED BUTTER
Lecavalier gets the business from Joey V.
Fleury is everywhere, sweet-talking pucks as if over fine French cuisine.
ROOT is doing some kind of awards called The Marios in an attempt to parody the Oscars. Steiggy is shocked that anyone could watch the Oscars and not hockey. Right now we are in agreement.
Brother Steven tried to make a move but Letang treated him like a croissant. Covered.
NO BROTHER STEVEN WE DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOUR SELECTION OF BIBLES
Lindback is rolling around like dough. We'll take it.

MOST AMERICA
Brother Steven turns the puck over at his own blueline. Cooke, Dupes, and Martin come charging ahead. Guess who finds it in the slot as Anders Lindback retreats up the snowy slopes:

MY COUNTRY 'TIS OF THEE

Next faceoff Joey V ensures your pregnancy from this goal is USDA certified organic by throwing it down with Adam Hall.
We seriously have never been so hot and bothered.

PERIOD THAT WILL TEST YOU THE MOST
Lightning switch goalies. Mathieu Garon city. We miss you babe. But.
Early 2nd period, Orpik makes a beautiful defensive play in Brother Steven, but it doesn't matter. Alex Killorn (one of PH Staff's personal faves) doing werk in front of the net. Puck goes in off of Brooks. Ugh.
apparently no pic of this goal because no one likes us

Then Despres takes a weird penalty. Then Craig Adams is sent to the box. It's a 5 on 3. Brother Steven is lurking with the Book of Mormon.

3-2. Could have told you that that was going to happen.

On the bright side, Bob Errey caught Gary Roberts drinking water again. He was unsure if it was Fiji or the Penguin water. Hopefully not any water that has been in contact with any actual penguins.
Did Steiggy just say that Jay Caufield used to train by pushing SUVs around parking lots? Glimmers of hope.

MOMENT OF MOST UNNECESSARY DOUBT
The Pens get a 5 on 3 around the middle of the 2nd and you would be totally unsurprised if they blew it.
except they don't. Beau Bennett gets a perfect pass from Crosby and buries it. No way he was going ot fuck that up. HOLY HELL. LATER. WE'RE CRYING. BOBO

sid is so happy

Lightning get a breakaway from the Egregious Elk but Fleury stones him.
Like the first blossoms of spring, hope breathes anew.
Crosby now tied for the lead in NHL points with Brother Steven.
Pens are balls out right now and Tanner Glass almost scores off of a feed from Vitale. We're back bitches. Hopefully.
Somehow the Penguins played a second period without getting entirely eviscerated.

THE LONGEST MARCH
winning this game would feel like defying all of our negative stereotypes.
Just play a complete game against a team that isn't playing like dog shit.
Delayed penalty, though. Some child whose name we can't spell scored. It's 4-3.
Stamkos got a point so now he's ahead of Sid. Vomit.

okay fine he's cory conacher

Fleury stoned Killorn a sequence or two later. Thank god.

We're holding our breaths for the next several minutes. Sutter hit the post and then Lecavalier appeared to try to eat Kris Letang. We were afraid.
Bob Errey also refers to Victor Hedman as "the horseless Hedman" after referring to him as a horse. So he IS a horse but doesn't HAVE a horse? So curious.
The end is still over five minutes away. Still plenty of time for Stamkos to get a natural hat trick or something.

But eventually Matt Cooke buries the empty netter.

thank curry
PENS WIN 5-3 OR SOMETHING

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

GENTLEST, CLASSIEST CAMERA ZOOM

ROOT cameraman on Sid

PRETTIEST

bobo

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. MR. AMERICA PAUL MARTIN
2. KTang for being prettier than usual also 26+ minutes
3. Alex Killorn - went to Harvard. studied more than trees.

jesus Tampa we are so over you.

Oh hey there.
It's Friday night and we're playing the Panthers.
We're just going to go ahead and get drunk, if no one minds too much. We assume you're going to do the same.
Zoe is still stuck on a bus somewhere in Boston, but she'll be joining soon. 
Drunkblogging 2013. 
BRING IT, PANTHERS. 

Stay tuned for new developments. 

7:02 PM
(Pre-game)
Has anyone else noticed that the Jumbotron video for this season makes it look like Pittsburgh just discovered cyberpunk? It's like we've finally moved on to the late 90s. 

7:09
Puck finally drops. 
Kovy on a 4th line feels like treason.

"The Alien" is almost certainly a more appropriate nickname for Bryz. Give it up Markstrom.

7:19
Zoe is here now. She got in just in time to see us throwing pucks at the net like we were bailing out a sinking ship. James Neal is a MAN. 
I accidentally ate so much habanero that I cried a little and now have the hiccups. 
There's a good back and forth on the ice.
Calming the hiccups with gin.

7:22
First PP of the game.
It's not going as well as we'd hope. As in, no one is dead and we do not have a goal yet.
Great chance for a garbage goal off a Malkin rebound, but Markstrom says no. 
Fun fact: TK loves horses as well as ponies.
Nothin' from the PP.
Blah.

7:26
OH GREAT. First PK. First blood still up for grabs. 
DON'T LET IT HAPPEN, GUYS. 
Steiggy calls Beau (BoBo from here on out) "elegant."

7:32
Sorry, we got distracted talking about Kim's childhood collie BoBo.
They didn't let it happen.

7:35
All of the boys teaching BoBo is adorable. 
Mueller is in the box for trippin'. 
Another PP. OH MY GOD CAN SOMETHING PLEASE HAPPEN.

Zoe:
omg "there's nobody that he dominates more than weiss." filthy.

Nothing happens in the PP, but Nisky has a great shot. We think his mustache is giving him a lot of power.

7:41
The period finishes up, no score.



7:59
Oh hey, hockey is back.

8:06
JESUS LORD, BOBO, THAT WAS SEXUAL.
He just swooped in front of the net like...some kind of....sexual bird . 
My GOD. That was beautiful.
How we wish he'd scored.

8:09
What a fucking shift. Seriously. 
The Panthers acted like MAF would care about some things but he just didn't. 

8:10
This song is relevant. 
"Look at all of Beau's hoes, lookin' for a ride on Beau's hose."

8:14
OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

8:15
Well, the Panthers may pretend that they can have a goal, but we're on our third PP of the game.
Statistically, it would be pretty weird if we didn't tie it up.
But, you know, god IS dead. 
We really need to get that guy resurrected some time this season.

8:18
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Malkin's pass to Neal gets jammed in by Kunitz. Total garbage, absolutely wonderful.
Tie game. Kunitz catches some guff. His pretty face is almost hurt.
We will hunt you down and fucking murder you if you even think about it, Panthers. You aren't worth the chipping paint on your vacant arena seats, letalone a beautiful Penguins face.

8:26
we love that danny p asks who he should interview at intermission on twitter now.
He has such a beautiful soul.

8:29
My husband is having a mental breakdown because I'm not paying attention to him or something.
Not my fault he can't love hockey more.
Not my fault he can't be Brandon Sutter.
I told him these things. It didn't seem to help.
Also, jesus christ, what a chance. Kunitz is just tearing it up. 

8:35
2nd period ends. Score's 1-1.
We just had this exchange:
Kim: they are like the poop coated vampires of the vegetable world.
Zoe: are there a lot of poop coated vampires in the regular world?
Kim: I mean, I imagine.

Drinking is good for your brain.

8:49
 zoe:  lovey-drunk, like everything is amazing
thank god, she was taking forever.

8:55
I couldn't find the tab to update, but hockey is here again, and the president is in the box. 
Treason.

MAF acts amazing.
In response, here is this total Flekoun (slash pair names still being accepted) pic from today.

9:00
Jesus christ, are we pretending that Malkin doesn't have a concussion?
If he doesn't, it's proof that he is a Russian Cyborg. 
He went down the runway after getting the grossest looking whiplash on the boards. A fight happened or something, but we were too worried about Gene to care.

9:02
These refs suck ass. But hey, we're on the PP!

9:04
Tanger, wash that hurr. The grease is weighing you down.

9:05
asd;kfjhasdgfadskjfasdljfhasdkjfhasdf
60 foot slapper. Moustache power. Nisky, you are my heart and soul.
2-1

9:08
We're both really drunk.

9:19
Dickmouth scores?!?!?!?!
We love it!
We also got a TK/DJ hug, which rocked.
3-1
BTW, Dustin Jefferey is a dick. But as long as he's scoring goals for us, he can hang out.

9:23

9:27
empty net, whatwhat
Let MAF get it.

totes would deserve it

9:31
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand that's a game.
3-1, Pens win.

We're gonna go keep drinking. "
You should do the same
We love you all, we hope you had fun tonight.
Get well, Evs.
And of course,
GO PENS.

riiiiight the rivalry
it's doing everyone so much good

h/t to garageleague on tumblr again

This game began in the exact same sequence in Peter Jackson's first installment of The Hobbit where Saruman is busy trying to convince everyone that Sauron is gone for good.

spoiler alert: he's not
click for slightly larger

Tomas Vokoun knows a thing or two about magic rings. He knows that they will kick your ass if you are not careful.

The Pens start the game off with a bomb from Niskanen that awakens sleeping evil in the mountains.

Laviolette takes a big time timeout to distract everyone as half-human, half-dark-angel beings enter Consol Energy Center and cast terrible spells. Meanwhile, the NBC announcing crew, unaware that evil has crossed our borders (or perhaps too aware), proceeds to dump limitless amounts of semen in the eyes, ears, and other orifices of the innocent.

On some big deal power play Malkin almost scores because Bryz's glove went missing in unknown territory. But then he didn't. But then he did. At this moment in the game, you feel like a wise elder looking down from the sun-dappled slope of a hillside at your progeny's land. Perhaps you are eating fresh fruit. And thinking about what a fucking badass you are. As Gene basically metaphorically takes his dick out at the Flyers' goal.

Well you actually probably suck.


Bryz can see beyond into the realm of the Valar, apparently. dicks

Some kind of bizarre pileup in Koun's crease leads to a.) no whistles ever and b.) a goal that gets credited to Nicklas Grossmann. Pretty sure he didn't see that coming. Probably went in off of a Pen.
Then Simmonds scored. oh okay. it's 2-2.

The period involves a lot of other clutching and grabbing and sobbing. The fight happens. We're over it.
The second period starts off with some close calls but is in general promising. We can just dig in and--

Can we just put out a Czech Amber Alert for Jakub because we're 99% sure his mom has no idea yet that he's even in Philly and we don't think she'd be okay with it. We know some Promises have been made in Columbus to keep Jakub safe and look where he is. We are happy, in a way, that he is scoring, but not that he is so corruptible. We also think he needs a scratch test.
Jakub scored late in the second and early in the third. It all blurred together like Max Talbot's childhood dreams through a haze of too much penicillin.
By the time we have a minute to schedule him an appointment with an allergist and try to text his mom, TK has scored, but no one took pics because it was ultimately meaningless.

Simmonds scored again like a few minutes later. Oh.

For those keeping track at home, it's 5-3.

Then, something happened. The Flyers got reckless as hell and went all Goblin King and took a bunch of penalties. This came after Zac Rinaldo managed to job Tanner Glass by shoving him and getting Glass's stick in his face. It was like you could hear someone smoothly jiving with the Flyers bench "SO YOU THINk THE PENGUINS CAN TAKE MINOR PENALTIES? HUH? LET'S SEE YOU COME OVER HERE AND SAY THAT"



after some sobbing, James Neal put the team's hopes and fears into yet another one of his perfect shots.
It was 5-4. We could do this. We could. We had all the power. With 2 minutes left Brandon Sutter brought us home. We felt it. We were home. It was home. We are safe. It was worth trying.

Before the heavens even opened, before you knew you were pregnant, before you could tattoo his name on your heart. . .Jakub harnessed our hopes and used them to score a goal. His third of the night.

Giroux with two assists tonight. Why is no one yelling at him about not being good enough at being the best player in the world.
We want to call him The Claw from now on. Who's in?


God fucking damn it all to hell.

the crazy thing is that at least the Pens almost tied it again but that wasn't going to happen because evil is allowed to live. JAKUB YOUR MOTHER IS WORRIED
Galadriel won't stand for this shit

probably just touch yourself to this photo until Friday.

it's the little things.

Go Pens.

p.s. max you look like hell please go have some work done we can't have the kids seeing you like this on your weekends

p.p.s. obviously a rough night for defense and team discipline but jesus christ we don't have to be all smart and analyze all the time we are worried about the fate of middle earth and jakub's skin condition over here

First and foremost:

Okay, sorry, that was weighing on us.

Now that THAT'S out of the way...

This game was a matinee. 
A MATINEE SHOULD NOT HAVE TO BE THIS INTENSE.
Seriously guys, we need to have a talk about when and where to have moments like this, and that discussion will end in us deciding that Sunday afternoon games are not the time to have us all rolling around on the floor in agony.
This was INSANE. 
These are the games that make neighbors hate us.
We love ever second of it, but can we please just save it for the evenings?

Also, Sabres, you are clearly bipolar. 
Please seek professional attention.
 

SADDEST DAY FOR BROOKSY AND AMERICA
Don't get us wrong - when we adjusting in our chairs with our first drink of the day, ready to enjoy some hockey and be annoyed by NBC commentary, we are THRILLED when the puck is almost immediately behind Ryan Miller. We were extra thrilled by the fact that OH MY GOD WAS THAT A BROOKS ORPIK GOAL OH MY GOD THAT IS LIKE CHRISTMAS MORNING. 
Upon replay we see Dupes give it a good little love tap. 
GODDAMNIT IT, YOU BEAUTIFUL MAN. You and your incessant need to make sure we succeed.
We love you. We love everyone.

We know Brooks doesn't give two shits about it as long as we scored. He's certainly thrilled to help.
But a girl can dream.

BEST SCORING RATIO
The Sabres go all wild with fear and end up in the penalty box. A few seconds later, Sid makes it 8 straight games in which we have PP goals. 
We are in Ryan Miller's head. 
For many moons he has fallen asleep with tears in his eyes, weakly punching his pillow, whispering "Goddamn you, Sidney Crosby." 

We currently have a goal per minute. We're crossing our figures to keep it up for all 60.

MOST DREAMS DASHED
The Sabres start a series of moves that makes our palms sweaty. Where are you, D? Shut this down plz. 
Hodgeson is for some reason left to frolic across open ice. MAF tries hard to swat it out of the air, but no dice. 

There go the hopes of 60-0.

MOST TIME YOU SPENT STARING AT A GIF 
(and possibly contemplating / plots)
Right now.

We love you, Garbage League.

MOST PALPITATIONS
Crosby ends up in the box, probably for being too handsome (due to, as discussed by NBC, his no longer being obese.) Tanner thinks he looks sad in the box by himself and decides to bat the puck out of the air so he can go keep Sid company. 
The Sabres start doing things. 
Then they touched us.
They touched us in a bad place.

OH GOD NO DON'T MAKE ME SHOW YOU NOOO.
Tied now. Motherfuck. 

MOST WILLING
Cody McCormick and Tanner Glass have words. We get all riled up, because Tanner Glass is godlike. Also, Cody McCormick did this:

Don't touch our Suttsy. 
Just don't.
Mr. Glass, please come with us. We promise we will be attentive.

GREATEST SUICIDE PREVENTION MEASURES
When the Sabres for some reason make us look like fools and put one in the back of the net, an act that we will not even show a photo of because this is a family place, we are all poised and ready to jump from one of the many convenient bridges located around the city.
Being shown up by the Sabres was not on our list of things to experience, ever. 

LeHair hears our sobs. He feels more deeply than most mere mortals, so our plight touches him deeply. He sees to it that our pain is eased and lands, like, the sickest pass ever on Pascal's' stick.  Pascal, no stranger to just accepting and helping to facilitate the magic that happens around him, slams it into the net. 

We step down from the ledge. 

MOST TERRIFYING EVER
There are like a billion chances for everyone to score. MAF and Miller are just...it's insane. We have to gasp more than is appropriate. Not to mention Ryan Miller fucking ROBS James Neal of a wicked, wicked shot that was set up by Malkin and Crosby. No one can believe it. It's fucking insanity. It keeps going like this for years. We can't handle it. We can't. We can't. SOMEONE PLEASE END THIS.
Someone does...Paul Martin?
Sid is saying what we were thinking:

OH MY GOD SORRY FOR BEING SO FUCKING EXCITED, THAT IS JUST SURPRISING, WE DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD BE YOU, PAUL. 

Proud captain, right there.
Seriously gorgeous shot. Just floats through the traffic and into the net. Looks like something out of a feel good sports movie. 

Dupes sadly misses the empty net when the chance came up.
The game is intense until the final seconds.
Man oh man.

Pens Win.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

MOST DANGEROUS MOVE

Ott skates up to MAF after the game and says something. I don't care if you said "hey man, you're a golden god" DON'T FUCKING TALK TO OUR GOALIE EVER, YOU PIECE OF SHIT. The Penguins at large didn't like this move, and he's pretty instantly swarmed by fists.
MAF is off to the side laughing, saying"HATING MEEE WON'T MAKE YOU PREEEETY LOLOLOLOL"

AMERICAN HERO
We hate you when we play you, Ryan Miller.
But we'll never forget your services.

ALT THREE STARS
1.Kris Letang, mostly for the way he buttons his shirt.
2. James Neal. DID YOU SEE THOSE PANTS?!?!?!?!?
Oh, and:

THE JOY. 

3. Josh Yohe, for this amazing tweet: 
Elevator guy just yelled at everyone to pack it in. Billy Guerin's reply: "How 'bout please, Smiley."

The amount of time we spend imagining our lives as Billy G's sister wives is insane.

Oh, also, never forget:

Go Pens.

The new Die Hard probably would have gotten better reviews if they cast Craig Adams.
The Tangradi Affair took over this game story-wise and was a wet fart on the whole proceedings.
But we had to keep the engagement lively for the benefit of all that attended.
Hey Winnipeg it's so cold in you. We're sorry.

BEACON OF MOST HOPE AND MOMENT WE WISH WE COULD TAKE BACK
Winnipeg crowd is doing the weird things they always do like chanting the goalie name when their team is in the DEFENSIVE ZONE and booing when Crosby has the puck because fuck that guy. Are they not part of Canada? Did they not want that Olympic Gold medal or something?
Enstrom went down the runway an did not return to the game at all after a very early, routine-looking hit from Dupuis.
We're sorry Toby and also about all the references to your long stick lost this game, never to return to time and space.
But MAF was showing early flashes of his game being unfuckingbelievable.

Hope swells because this might not be another night we had to dick around in Manitoba for no reward.

TOO MUCH MAN: A SERIES
First, for some reason, Engo tries to fight Chris Thorburn. We assume the cause of the fight was breakfast-cereal-related since it didn't seem to be related to the game. But that's okay.

On his off-days Chris Thorburn uses his hair to direct truckers on lonely Manitoba highways. He helps them swerve to avoid moose.

Then Joe Vitale skated through eight people with the confidence of a Roman centurion. No one even knows what to do. He gets it to the net, Ondrej flops around a bit, and Craig needs three whacks at it to get it in because a bunch fo Jets' sticks are in the way as opposed to, I dunno, trying to clear the crease. Despite general incompetence, it still counts.

oh happy day

MOST LIKE A BAD REVENGE/EXPLOITATION FILM WITH ANTIFEMINIST NARRATIVE FROM THE 1960's
Eric Tangradi decides he's going to start "having words" withe everyone. Like Niskanen. Then he punches Ktang in the face because apparently he is testing his limits to see what he can get away with. Then after a Pens PK he tries to rock Simon.

impact player amirite

With Errey vocally comparing Fleury to a scorpion thanks to his big time saves, one must wonder if we've traveled into a cinematic land of magic and debauchery.

Oh to be a scorpion.

MOST MEAT ON YOUR PLATE
Early second period, MAF is still locked in. We decide, as a group, to discuss man meat with Steiggy and Errey.

"that's a lotta beef" someone said. We think Steiggy.
some Jets are big and some Jets are small and other Jets are in the middle. Brilliant insight by ROOT sports. Just a really amazing graphic.
Craig has to fight someone because they went after Nisky.
We suspect that the Protectorate of the Mustache kept him safe in these dark times.

Craig intimidates Wright enough that it doesn't happen again.
Shortly thereafter we get one of those classic sequences from Gene that remind us why we love him so, even at his worst. He blocked some shot, then came charging up ice, smoked the shit out of Zach Bogosian, and almost made Pavelec's whole life flash before his eyes.
This is like eating a pork loin. Oh also when Beau Bennett laid down to block a shot, blocked it with his face, and then tapped it out of the zone with his stick. The force is strong in this one. Just. We are so spoiled right now.

THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM

Joey V making unreal faces at intermission soothes our souls before the third. Thank god.

THE PERIOD THAT FELT MOST LIKE AN EXORCISM
The Pens could have easily blown this period and we wouldn't have been overly surprised.
There's a funny story about how the hotel didn't know Tangradi had been traded so there was a key labeled Tangradi and they gave it to Beau instead and then he found Eric Tangradi in the room. We hope nobody was naked.

I got this unbelievable screenshot which leads me to believe that dark spirits were involved.

Errey commences yelling about MAF some more and how he is an Eagle and his claws are out or is it talons, Steiggy? God people complain about these two and sometimes they don't call the game worth shit but it's like having two dudes in your house passing you Iron City as you alternatively laugh and cry and sometimes that's what we want.
Zach Redmond (some good Jets kid on D) gets a bullshit interference penalty and everyone knows it's a bad call. Then Stuart gets his stick caught up in Letang for the most obvious tripping penalty of all time.

Bizarre penalty box reaction.
The Pens 5 on 3 PP vomits on itself, obviously. Finally they gain the zone and don't manage to get backed up by the three Jets and after some gratuitous passing James Neal decides he's going to bury it.

'scuse me over here Chris I'm kind of balling too hard for you right now
it's 2-0 but there are still five minutes left to fuck this up.

By "this" I mean MAF's shutout or the entire game.
Andrew Ladd gives us a hand.

Just a really good play by the Jets that finally got MAF out of position, and they didn't miss. Also Kris Letang iced it without aiming for the empty net well enough so everyone blamed him. Whatever
but god damn it though.

HERO WITH THE MOST GUERINESQUE BEARD
With Pavelec pulled, Craig finally doesn't miss.
3-1 bye.
In his postgame, we see flashes of Bill Guerin in his beard. We know what is coming.

Oh Craigsy.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

MOST LIKE FRESH DRIVEN SNOW

We lit a candle for Beau's soul last night. Welcome to the NHL.

"THAT GUY" AT THE BAR


ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Brooks because 600. He did get away with high-sticking that guy but it was a total accident.
looking to the heavens:


2. Joey V. Fucking seriously. as if you could be more perfect.
3. Beau fucking Bennett obviously

in Buffalo on Sunday. what even is that.

The Sens have been pretty awesome recently. As far as other teams go, they're pretty far up on our list of "least hated." If we were in Ottawa, we'd probably buy a puck with their logo on it or a t-shirt or something.
This may offend you. 
That's okay. We have something in common that makes it okay: believing deep down that the Pens are REALLY the only worthwhile hockey team. Everyone else is just filler. Good or bad filler, sure, but filler all the same.
In order to live up to expectations, all that has to happen at this game is for the bobble head of Malkin to look pretty okay, because that is ALL THAT ANYONE IS TALKING ABOUT.
Seriously guys.
Come on.

Let's do awards.

MOST PREDICTABLE
Tangradi got sent on over to the Jets today.
Zoe had a small party in honor of the moment. 
Maybe we should start a pool for when they will scratch him? We'll see you on Friday, fellah. We salute your attempted services. 

STRONGEST INNARDS
By some miracle the Sens don't get a penalty shot when Paul Martin molests Smith's skates with his stick as he goes in for a shot. They probably deserved it. Whatever, Dead God smiles upon us from his grave sometimes. Our PK looks okay - Cookie uses his body and soul to block a shot. We cough up a little blood at home just watching it. The penalty is killed, as are several of Cookie's internal organs, we're sure.

MOST MAGICAL
Our possession is pretty amazing for the first. We look good, we're just not hitting the net. Finally, finally, finally Sidney Crosby flips a puck that just so happens to levitate through Sens traffic, over a stick, and land delicately on Pascal Dupuis' stick - Pascal just accepts the magic for what it is and assists the puck into the net.  In Dupes's words, "it landed right on my blade." Unreal.

If someone tries to tell us that Sid hasn't sold his soul to pull of little miracles like this, we're going to slap them right in their stupid, clueless faces. 

WORST
Halfway through the second period a bunch of jackassery ends in tears and a 5-on-3 for the Sens. It looks pretty good in the way that we manage to clear it a few times. Then, just as the final seconds tick away, the Sens ruin our dreams and hit it in. Dicks. It's so close to the end of the PK that we're not sure if it's a PP goal or not. Well, past selves, it was.

Unfortunately, moments later, at even strength, a freak angle shot ends up going under MAF's knee.

Highlighted are all folks to whom we would like to say "our thoughts exactly." What the hell.

HUGEST ASSTON OF ASSISTS
Martin does a ton of amazing things in rapid succession, which include drawing a penalty and then creating a wide open stage for Neal to perform on.

Sid on the secondary with his 400th career assist.

HARDEST MOMENT TO WATCH
Cookies skate hits Karlsson's heel during a hit. Karlson went down, and yelled out in pain the moment he tried to put weight on it. Ya gotta wince at something like that. We don't care if it's love or hate, we never want to see someone injured (unless it's an eye-area injury that isn't dangerous...those black eyes get sexy) and this didn't look so good.
I feel weird using this photo, but we've photoshopped real dicks into pictures before so I guess we can't go and get cocky about not showing men being in pain. Not where the line is going to be drawn.

Mostly we want to throw it out there for Cooke's face. Obviously concerned about what happened. 
Word came down that Karlsson's Achilles tendon was lacerated. He's going to be in surgery, unfortunately. We really hope that he recovers quickly.

MOST RELIEF
The Sens have been pretty on point, both in this game and their previous games. Going into the third tied is pretty nerve wracking. Luckily Engelland shoots from the point and Neal finds the rebound. It settles us down a little.

This is apparently Neal's official fist bumping face. Exactly the same as the first goal photo.
Unreal.
 

MOST SATISFYING ENDING TO MOST ANNOYING HABIT
Sometimes we get a little too pass-happy. It gets frustrating as shit.
But then we are reminded that it is sometimes very effective.
We pass so much that Anderson's head exploded. Sid takes advantage and passes to the back of an empty net. It's pretty amazing. 


BIGGEST BABIES
As said, we really feel for Karlsson. We hate that this happened to him. Obviously no one wants to lacerate someone else's tendons  - but for some reason when it happens with guys like Cooke, everyone thinks it was intentional. 
Neil and Cooke get into some shit, clearly because of what happened to Karlsson. 

Just stop it.
Grudges due to accidents are worthless. Protect your teammates, but don't start shit over something someone obviously didn't mean to do. 

WINNINGEST MOMENT
Winning.
Suck it.
 

INDIVIDUAL AWARD

MOST FLEXIBLE 

ALT THREE STARS
1. Tyler Kennedy. If he were just a hockey fan, he would be the guy who screams SHOOOOOOT!
2. Steiggy and Errey. For being so excited about this entire game.
3. Tangradi. For being in search of cheesecake elsewhere.

WOOOOOOOOOOOO
Go Pens.

It's not safe.
It's never been safe.
Welcome to the trials of our time.


The game begins and Bortuzzo fights some dude off the opening faceoff which feels like a delicately-worded, poorly-timed love letter.

Clarkson scored early on. Pens had a little bit of something going but Hedberg was a brick wall. Still, it didn't feel like the end of the world.

The Clarkson goal should have been seen as a bad omen, but one goal is rarely cause to completely change course. To jump into the freezing river in an attempt to find the land beyond the veil.


Johan is our favorite but seriously fucking SERIOUSLY


Kovalchuk on a 2 on 1. Yeah right. Disgusting shot. Vokoun can only save us so many times.


This whole image is really a metaphor for the game. When the black butterflies cometh, according to legend, the soft sobbing you think you hear from behind that locked door becomes real.

Clarkson got another on the PP in the second on the Penguins' only shorthanded time of the game. James Neal cross-checked somebody. He scored later but it ended up not mattering.

We blame the voices.


Pens need to get physical or something. Really getting beat up on super hard by teams that are willing to punish them physically or beat them with speed. Not all hockey is fucking beautiful.

Listen quietly for the sounds of the heavens exploding above us.
Maybe it's Asgard. Or maybe we're fucked.

Kim sent me the following messages in the third period:

Eating roses.  She would know.  She was live at CONSOL.  Proof:

Anyway--roses?  Let's let the fine artists at Blingee.com take this one.  Keyword search:

Right.

More or less how the Pens should feel right now.

We don't play again until the Senators come to town on Wednesday.  That's probably going to be ugly, too.  Not in the sense that we'll lose because of course we're never losing again.  But without some anger we aren't going to win these close ones at all.

welp

go pens
We'll be waiting at the fringes of the wormhole.

Home and homes are like torture. 
If we wanted to spend this much time with people who live in New Jersey, we'd just kill ourselves and go to the laundromat in hell. 
Alas, hockey makes us see terrible things sometimes.
At least we're getting it out of the way.

Hope you are out of the snow and in your pajamas this Saturday afternoon.

BEST HANGOVER CURE
Assuming you spent the night throwing back straight liquor and watching Netflix instant view until that little box popped up because the company assumed you'd died of alcoholism/loneliness/boredom/heart disease, you didn't feel too great at 1:00 this afternoon.
Feeds are limited, so that adds to the headache if you don't have cable or live in Pittsburgh
Ughhhhh.
But then Clarkson gets called for tripping and we're on the PP 44 seconds in. The nausea ebbs.
Sutter gets a nick of a Despres shot and it's tipped in. Kennedy on the secondary. 

You feel like he parked the hangover bus right in front of your house and hooked you up with that sweet IV relief. 

Thank you, sirs.

MOST (ANNOYINGLY) FERVENT INDIVIDUALS
The refs are just a mess. They are calling everything. Now, mind you, there's a lot to call that's kind of real...but can't we just let it go? 
Penalties are being handed out like the free headaches at the DMV. Between the PPs and the PKs, MAF is the cool, refreshing cumber slices that soothe our weary eyes. 

FAKEST NAME
Krys Barch - as if that is a name - takes exception to the fact that Engo is a man with a strong pimp hand. Engo doesn't give a shit about his feelings. They go at it.

Our hearts were cold and empty and sad after Godsy left, but Engo has eased into that spot and made our lives much easier. 

CUTEST ENEMY GOAL
The second period is all penalty this, penalty that, MAF being a hero, etc etc. With 3 and a half minutes left in the second, Stefan Matteau manages one past the flower to get his first NHL goal. 

Whatever. Sometimes the other team scores. Hockey would suck if they didn't. And honestly, this is how we want them to do it. In a cute way. 

MOST WTF MOMENT EVER
Brodeur thinks it's safe to retrieve his lost stick during some Debs possession. Malkin makes a quick attempt at the net. Christmas Ham has to scramble back across the ice to the goal and flub around to block what would have been an empty net goal. The puck skirts along the blue line, and Hammy falls between the net and the puck. 
Ham is lollin. 
We are too, kind of.
It was worth seeing.

MOST HATRED
The situation with the refs has gone from "wtf" to "lols" back to "wtf" and then over to "OH MY GOD CAN WE PLEASE JUST PLAY HOCKEY?!" Sure, we're not saying our hands are clean. but sometimes it's just overkill.
The momentum is weird.
Things get jumbled.
Then the Debs start throwing it at the net.
Whatever, whatever, it's suddenly 3-1. 
We'll just use the happy Debs goal again. No one gives a shit about the other two.

Awwww.
But still, fuck you guys.

Ughhhhhhhhh.

MOST VISIONS OF BABBLING BROOKS
The game plays out like we are angry kids on a school yard. We throw tantrums and get detention time and time again. We'll probably all grow up to be criminals.
We just close our eyes and go to our happy place until it's called.
For some reason Bob Errey is in our happy place.
*shrug* Makes sense.

Sometimes games are fun to watch but don't end in us winning.
This was one of those times.

Pens lose. 3-1

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

BEST IN SWEATS


I know sometimes it can be hard when someone looks this good, but don't hate.

LEAST AT FAULT

We'll give you our juicebox. You did great.

ALT THREE STARS
1- MAF, seriously, hit us up for that juice.
2- Refs. WAY TO STEAL THE SHOW EVERYONE IS SO HAPPY.
3- Coffee. You made this easier.

Pens hadn't won at home in regulation against the Caps since 2007 going into tonight.
You know this fucking game. The game where the Pens have been having trouble at home lately, the Caps are on a losing streak, and are thirsty for blood. This is a game where Ovechkin scores some big-time backbreaking goal that you think about every now and then for the next decade. This is a game so hard and fast and scary and poorly conceived that you're thinking of bottling its mood and selling it to companies that make fake-snuff-tape pornos.
Except the Caps kinda suck this year. Like really suck dicks. Real bad. Remember when it was their time? Remember when they "arrived"? It's like the Caps organization always thought it was digging to the molten 24k gold core at the center of the earth inhabited by leprechauns and the world's reserve of Funfetti and the Stanley Cup and champagne handmade by angels when really they're just going to find a lot of bones and poop. I feel like everyone else predicted this and we've all sat idly by and watched them diminish.
The Washington Capitals WERE a good team. No idea what's happened to them.
But I mean we needed this okay if the team in the basement of the NHL beats you at home when you haven't won at home yet I feel like that's bad news.
The Caps can have a midseason revelation and score 8 goals during some Panthers game and we can all call it a night.

DEFENSEMEN: FREE TO A GOOD HOME
The Pens traded Ben Lovejoy to Anaheim for a pick and our tears could drown a litter of puppies.
But we called up Dylan Reese who seems okay and we could get into him, you know, as a human. Observe.

So yeah that happened.
OH NOT TO MENTION KRIS LETANG IS HURT THAT'S THE WHOLE REASON DYLAN IS HERE DID YOU CATCH THAT
god forbid it's something serious or hundreds of middle-aged men will have their Norris pick invalidated. Also we will cry.

GOAL NOBODY LIKED PROBABLY NOT EVEN RIBIERO THAT MUCH
This is kind of a bizarre NHL role in action. Fleury got knocked down (mostly by Orpik's stick maybe but also a little bit by Our Polish Boyfriend Wojtek and his mask comes flying off.
according to NHL rules, the whistle blows immediately if HIS team has the puck and he can put his mask back on. If the opposing team has the puck and there is an "impending, imminent" scoring chance, play continues.
We don't get it because it'd seem waaay more pertinent to make sure a goaltender doesn't get his face taken off by a slapshot than to preserve a potential scoring chance from his opponent. But whatever. It's in the rule book. It counts. Officials made the right call. still a dick move but after we stop yelling we'll sleep at night.

The 1-0 score carries the Caps through the first and we're like shit this could become a problem.

MOST LIKE MILK-SOAKED ANIMAL CRACKERS
The Caps in the second.
what the fuck did they do.
Early on, you kinda get a feeling as Gene pushes a nasty backhander wide that something is going to happen this period.
Pens get a PP. Gene with the filthiest shot we've seen a Penguin do all season totally smokes Neuvirth. but it would probably smoke anyone who has ever won multiple Vezinas, too. Kinda jiggled his way down the circle and placed it ever so neatly just inside the far post. Wow.

At this point, some of the Penguins (Brooks, Tanner) realize that the Caps are not in fact soggy animal crackers but possibly real prey. They start hunting in a pack. Tanner distracts them while Brooks finds his favorite vein.
After this goal someone on the Caps bench must have started sobbing because the emotional meltdown they suffered was contagious and swift.
Eric Fehr almost had a breakaway, but Crosby was like "fuck no" and got back. Next thing you know, Dupuis has whispered sweet nothings in Neuvirth's ear and gotten him to gently part his thighs.

Dupes makes eyes at the Caps. But they're not having it.
It's 2-1. It's different.

STRANGEST DANCE MOVES
At this point the Caps freak out and put in Braden Holtby. Seemed too soon for us. Seemed frantic.

Some guy on Twitter got way fresh with me, for the record:

The fact that I was skeptical of the Caps having a full on meltdown was my own damn fault, I suppose. Goaltender change was probably not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.
but seriously who are you

FRESHEST FUCKING COME ON
nope it wasn't that one.
After Joel Ward took a delay of game penalty James Neal was jealous of how easily Dupes got Neuvirth to show his five hole and decided to make it look even easier with Holtby. Really the only explanation. He just kind of walked in there and flipped it in. It was insane.

Guy on the right appears to be alone and having the time of his life. Go you, guy.

MOST THIEVERY AND JEALOUSY
Then Matt Cooke gets jealous of James and decides to steal his move. Snipejob off a faceoff win. Wow Holtby is a mess. Nobody even knew what was happening. This comes after we already screamed at least twice throughout the game that it's often Matt Cooke with the golden chance but the poor guy ain't got no hands.
That was really a backbreaker for the Caps. They kind of stopped trying for the rest of the period. The clock was apparently broken or wrong or something and it may have been the Caps' depression emanating electromagnetic signals.
FANCIEST WAISTCOAT
The third started really slow.
I had Mike Lange on and he and Bourque were talking about what a leader Brooks Laich was and how much the Caps miss him as the camera on ROOT awkwardly zoomed in on Ovechkin. He was starting shit left and right trying to get his team into it and also appeared to suffer from some kind of facial stigmata in the third but we have no idea why no one is feeding off of his energy anymore.
Bortuzzo and Ovi got into some dispute over who had the fanciest waistcoat and got matching minors. The question of whose waistcoat was fancier was never settled publicly.
Then we get the Brooks Murder Face and he goes to the box:
<img data-cke-saved-src="" src="" http:="" www.puckhuffers.com="" images="" stories="" 2013-season="" 27caps="" orpik.png"="" width="500">
Ovechkin scores on that. Obviously.
5-2
Pens look kinda lazy. Not exactly what we like to see.
Pens take exactly one more penalty with exactly two minutes left and kill it. We survived. We fed on their corpse and it was delicious.
PENS WIN
5-2.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS
MOST INTRIGUED BOB ERREY

OOOOH BOY THAT WAS A BIG HIT ON JAY BEAGLE
(in our heads)

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Paul Martin. 28 minutes eeeek
2. Pascal

so thoughtful. 4 shots
3. probably Dylan

I'm sleepy and "preparing for a blizzard."

pens in dirty jersey tomorrow