But this time it's different. Neither the Pens nor the Caps are the Indestructible Forces of Media Fellation that they were when this blog started. And yet we still taste that same bitterness heading into Verizon Center (via our computer screens) at fucking 12:30 on Super Bowl Sunday with our coffees in hand.
In case you were wondering: Super Bowl Sundays sucks.
If it weren't for the fact that all of my local Boston friends are either hockey fans, bitter Pats fans, or ex-art-school-hipsters whose moods aren't adversely affected by sports at all, I'd probably stay at home under a blanket. But as it is, I do have a Super Bowl party to attend and possibly some cookies to bake.
This game isn't getting in the way of that. But it does feel like a hazing ritual involving pocket knives and blood pacts.
John Erskine elbowed Wayne Simmonds' head so yeah, trash. The Caps have 2 wins so far this season. welp
HOLTBY ETC

Let's see where we are, ladies and gentlemen.

MOST JIZZ IN OUR EYES
The NBC feed has some kind of "twitter battle" feature that no one cares about. Apparently the Caps are really bad at it.


Paul Martin scores early on from a Crosby faceoff win after some track meet shit.  A Pens fan contingent behind the Caps net erupts in cheers and it feels like 2009 all over again.
1-0
Zach Boychuk gets a semi breakaway afterwards and dude.  We love this kid can we just say?  he gives so few fucks.

Caps come back right away though. Mike Green gets destroyed by Letang and Tang leaves him for dead. Except then he gets back up, floats to the top of the left circle, and scores a goal. The sirens blind us and we are briefly lobotomized.

This game is hard to watch. Mike Green's hair reminds us of 14-year-old mallrats who look at dirty birthday cards in Spencer Gifts.

HARDEST GRINDING
Pens gain the zone against the Caps like a real hockey time. Bortuzzo, the prodigal son, passes to Engo. Engo winds up for a one-timer, and makes no mistake. Official credit goes to Cooke but Cooke says he didn't touch it. Unsure if that will stand.

2-1

BIGGEST AND MOST FRIGHTENING TRANSFORMATION
Pens are suddenly playing team defense. Blocking shots, getting in lanes. Who are these people. Have the replicants finally been sated?
Maybe.
Ovechkin's relevancy discussed by NBC. Apparently scoring over 30 goals a year is shitty. Always going to be a good offensive player, but let's devote random broadcast time to how important he is.

Someone got paid to make this graphic. Think about it.
Vokoun all business as the game progresses.

Some kind of penalty and some kind of timeout, blah blah blah period.

Honestly if it weren't for the jizz in our eyes we'd play games like this forever.

MOST BURNING QUESTIONS EVER
NBC does an intermission feature with (mostly accurate) analysis about whether or not Ovechkin is still "elite" complete with embarrassingly dramatic color-corrected shots of Ovie interviews.

deep shit yo
we care not

MOST OBVIOUS INDICATOR OF GOD'S DEATH
Second period starts all business.
Vokoun makes the same mistake he made earlier on though when John Carlson shoots it in around the glass and it ends up in the net. oh okay
Sirens, lobotomies. scuse us while we cry ourselves to sleep
It hit a stanchion. Remember stanchions? fuck

really people only look this happy before being led to slaughter unexpectedly. it was too good for the Caps to be true that winning would be this easy.

It's 2-2. Jesus.

"they're rockin' the red here now" as Zach Boychuck eats our broken hearts and takes a penalty. We convince ourselves they are going to score to avoid more unnecessary pain.

Pens kill the penalty though. It's not over yet.

MOST PREGNANCIES CAUSED BY MEN IN WASHINGTON DC THIS AFTERNOON
After his penalty Zach Boychuk rushes up ice like a fucking stud and makes Holtby make a big-time save. The puck never leaves the immediate vicinity of Braden Holtby though. Letang jumps up and cleans that shit up.
3-2
All started by Boychuk. We need to get to know this child because he came out of nowhere and knocked us up.

MOST TERROR LOCATED IN AN ARMPIT
Holtby getting totally destroyed under his left armpit today.
Chris Kunitz puts another one there.
it's 4-2.

ANOTHER BABYFRENCHIE MISTAKE NO ONE WILL REMEMBER NEXT SEASON
Despres high sticks some asshole.
Could this be a thing?
Crosby with a diving play to clear on the PK. Makes our hearts sing.
NBC yelling at Ovi to get in front of the net. Nice to see them yelling like an informed Caps fan. God imagine being a knowledgeable old guard Caps fan forced to maintain loyalty to Ovi.
not a fate we envy. Caps commit some penalty. Our Polish Boyfriend Wojtek Wolski gets physical with Martin and it's kind of a bad call, let's be honest.

LEAST HAT TRICK
Kunitz parks in front of the net like NBC has been yelling at Ovi to do for the last nine hours or whatever and buries one. NBC thinks it's a hat trick but the initial "Kunitz" goal has been credited to PaulMart so yeah.
Koon still has 2.
Not complaining about his Least Hat Trick award either.

5-2
NBC corrects after commercial. finally
Pierre forgets what sport he's talking about and tries to talk about the Minnesota Vikings.

MOST BIZARRE BEHAVIOR
The Caps come out in a three-goal hole and ice it 2 times. The red refuses to rock. blah blah blah blah. Pens ice it again. This is a weird period. Despres shoots it over the glass. Fuck, babyfrenchie. fuck.
Dupuis and Adams killing it early in the PK.
Pens get lazy and get destroyed by Ribiero. Excuse us while we undergo the lobotomy. SIREN SIREN FLASH SCREAM
5-3

MOST "MEH"

Period kind chugs along. Vokoun makes a big stop on Ovechkin. Ovechkin picks his nose in response.
Ovi rushes up ice again and tries Tomás again but yeah nope.
Boychuk almost sets up Neal.
We might revive "Crash My Net Friday" just for Boychuk.
Pens take a penalty at a really bad time though. Nothing doing through most of it. Pens manage to keep Caps to outside.

Just as Holtby is about to leave the net Crosby comes bearing down on Holtby. Then the shenanigans starts. Carlson got ruined by Crosby and the Pens are going to end the game on a 5 on 3. Ovechkin got called for roughing, Carlson for holding. That'll be the end of that. Top PP unit out for the 5 on 3 to try to set up Koon for the hattie. Maybe.

MOST HAT TRICK
Yep. Crosby takes it down below the goal line, drawing the Caps' vision. Kunitz ready to shoot. Passes it up. Buries it. No mercy.

Pens hats on the ice. Holtby looks depressed.

YYYYYYEAH BITCHES
PENS WIN 6-3
KUNITZ HATTIE IN YOUR MOUTH

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

BESTIES

MAF and Cookie

ONLY RECORDED APPEARANCE OF TYLER KENNEDY TODAY

ELITE?

Ovechkin on the coattails of Green's shitty goal.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS

1. Zach Boychuk - baby we never knew we needed you.

2. Robert Bortuzzo because of reasons.  He was in fact a +2.

3. Kris Letang. 4 shots.  nasty.

on the island on Tuesday.

GO PENS

amazing pics surfacing on Twitter of Pens fans on the steps outside Verizon Center after this game.  We love everyone and wish we were there.

Well, well, well.
We all had sand in our vaginas on Thursday about that messy win - no one likes to clean up at the special Olympics when they aren't actually "special."
We called for drama, we called for change, we called for Tangradi's head on a plate!
We got pretty much all of that.
Not saying we look excellent or anything, but we look like we're taking steps to fix obvious problems. That makes us proud. A team that stagnates in mediocrity we are not. 

It's Saturday. Let's get on with this.
These mimosas won't drink themselves.

MOST LIKELY TO GET DATE RAPED AT A FRAT PARTY
(Probably one that we're throwing.)

Oh, hey there.
You new around here?
We can show you the ropes. Trust us. All the cool kids are doing it. 

Ohhhh little Boychuk. That smile. That speed. That tiny little height measurement. That way that you make Tangradi totally irrelevant.
We think this is the beginning of something magical. 
We spend a lot of time complaining. One of those things we complain about is the NHL's refusal to recognize talent that mills around in the farm teams. We'll consider this little number an early Valentine's Day treat - watching a ?/Malkin/Neal line that doesn't make us sob into a pillow as we watch it fail time after time. 
 

MOST PIECES A HEART CAN BE IN

Well that's definitely too dramatic. But onward.
The first period looks pretty okay. There's this point at which our defense breaks down into dick suckery and we all throw up our arms and say "THIS AGAIN?!" but MAF shuts it down and we step back from the ledge on our roof. A few penalties are thrown in and the theme is predicable - our PK is pretty solid, our PP leaves a lot to be desired.
All of a sudden, Christmas Ham has some sort of obesity meltdown. The net, it is free. 
Sutter takes the chance.

Some useless Deb steps on our dream like it's a poisonous spider. 
We're starting to get worried.
Calm down, past selves.
It'll be okay.

OVERSTUFFED HAM AWARD
Speaking of Christmas Ham, at the beginning of the second we really take it to him. He makes a few nice glove saves, but the momentum is sort of obvious.

Sutter gets it in for his first goal as a Penguin. Look at Hammy.
This photo, as it happens, also wins the "Best Conga Line" photo contest at congalines4ever.tumblr.com
That is also not a real thing.

MOST HILARIOUS TOM FOOLERY
Volchenkov must be kidding when he does some kind of horrible pass maneuver that goes wonderfully astray.
Kunitz snaps it up, shoots it past the Ham. Goes in easily and unassisted.

We hear Kunitz has the flu or some shit, too.
If that's how the flu goes nowadays, sneeze this way, please.

MOST USELESS
We all feel pretty shitty about a 2 goal lead by this point. We've been having a rough time nailing it down when we're ahead.
Our nightmare starts to come true when Elias is sent to the box for holding. A little of this, a little of that, and before we know it

Short handed goal. 
Ughhhh.

We go into intermission with that terrible feeling in our stomachs.
You know what, if we get the flu in a non-Kunitz way, it may be deserved. Doubt is a haters game.
We should have known what trash this goal would be. 

BEAUTIFUL SWAN AWARD
The third period starts off looking mighty good and eases our nerves just a bit.
Boychuk and Malkin are adorable together. James Neal is ruining dreams by not allowing any Deb to skate near him without a bone crushing hit.
Kunitz works some more flu-magic and finds Letang in exactly the right spot,
Tanger gets it in, and he gets it in good.
He once again becomes the dreamboat of all women from western PA. Even those Fayettenam gals.

Yup mamma, this gon' be my weddin' gown when I gets married to that fancy haired man on the t.v.

Bortuzzo almost gets one in shortly after. Sid knocks at to try to keep up the fire. It doesn't happen just yet, but then,

GASOLINE ON THE FIRE

Sid shows us what he's all about when momentum is in our favor and the puck is handed to him.
Absolute sniper shot. Just...really out of this world.
We thought it was all we'd get. But what's a sundae without a cherry?

BEST RECOVERY FROM TERRIBLE PHOTOS THE WHOLE GAME
Bortuzzo brought us such classics as these, this afternoon:

But ain't no one gonna care when you get your first career NHL goal.
Good job.

PENS 5, DEBS 1

INDIVIDUAL AWARD

LEAST IMPRESSED

Man. 

ALT 3 STARS
1. Christmas Ham. For the lolz.
2. Kunitz. Deserves two stars.
3. Boychuk. For being a change of pace. And calling Sutter Suttsy.

On the upswing?
We hope.
Winning the Cup, obv.
Go Pens.

Kinda.

The whole theme of this game apparently came from the fact that Tanner Glass, our second-favorite Dartmouth man, used the word "gumption" when describing what he would like to see more of from his new team, and everyone at ROOT Sports was so deeply tickled by it (perhaps by virtue of learning a new word and having to Google it) that they had to use it in their broadcast five million times.

Hey let's be honest: we're not TOTALLY buying that the Pens are turning it around just because they beat the Rangers 3-0 tonight. The Rangers are a terrible team and our offensive struggles are real.
But some gumption was found.
Let's discuss.

FATTEST AND SLOWEST
The Rangers hold this title, only strengthened by their acquisition of Fat Rick.

As evidence, Ryan McDonagh is shown hating a child.

Dustin Jeffrey is back yet again from his tragic exile to see if he can combat the lipid sludge.

MOST DECEPTION
The Pens keep scoring these early goals and then looking like a zombie skeleton crew for the rest of the game. Tonight is no exception. Gene burns the shit out of Henrik. Sad times. The ache is in our hearts again but we do not yet feel the burn.

Never before has a 1-0 game felt less like progress and more like that box of cereal you continue to eat even after you're pretty sure it's really stale.

PERIOD MADE OF MOST DICKS
The second period. No one cares about it. Pens couldn't score on power plays. They killed a few penalties. I have nothing coherent in my game notes except the fact that Malkin blew it on some sweet 2 on 1 with Jeffrey because idk he wouldn't fucking shoot it. Weird decision making by everyone. The confidence just isn't there. The swagger. Sid also has a very yikes breakaway. Shoots it over the net. More stale cereal.

We did however get this amazing vision of Vitale and Dan having a serious conversation. We'd trust Vitale with the entirety of the coaching duties, btw.

PERIOD YOU HAD NO IDEA HAD EVEN STARTED
The third one, because who knows. Could start out fine and then all of a sudden we're losing and whoops.
Pens are on some power play to start and you had probably already written it off but then Sid managed to set James Neal up with a sweet, soft deflection. It wafted low under Hank like so many feathers. Welp.
No one photographed this goal because they hate freedom.
Here's Brooks from 2nd intermission, telling us all about how much we are risking by playing like assholes. Seriously: Brooks second period intermission interviews work. If not for goals, then at least for team morale.


MOST SUSPICIOUS CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY
Despres took some penalty the way all young defensemen do.
Everyone was okay with it.
As the penalty expired Dupes was trying to kill time along the boards in the Pens' zone and suddenly Despres was all alone in the middle. No one picked him up when he got release. Dupes hits him with a pass and sweet holy hell. I seriously only saw the 7 on his jersey and thought it was Sid. I am a fool.

YEAAAAAHHH
seriously this is the first moment of the season where we feel like ~something is happening~


Got a bit of the swagger over here.

Game ended without anything else of note occurring, especially not if you value your brain cells. Just a weird fucking game that barely opened up enough at the end to feel good.

STORY OF THE GAME was Vokoun being perfect--literally. Rangers hit two posts in the 3rd. No one cared, least of all Tomáš. Speaking of which Errey is already calling him Tommy and commenting at length on his water drinking habits.
Write this shit out.
VokounSplosion is a tank. A tank of pure poise.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS
MOST ACCENTLESS ESL


ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Brooks Orpik - because of reasons
2. Dustin Jeffrey - maybe we finally forgive you for leaving us alone in the freezing rain that one time
3. Tanner Glass - for being educated in the ways of the world.

our hopeful little hearts, swollen to dangerous size with love of Despres' goal, are tempted to see it as a potential turning point to the season, if only the Penguins can harness its dangerous magic.

Be glad you saw tonight's game. 
It's going to go down in history books.
Bob Errey will reference it 100 times each game from now until death, and even then we will hear whispers of it on the wind. 
If you missed this game, we're sorry.
The 1/29/13 Pens/Isles game will forever be remembered as one of the most amazing nights in not only the NHL, not only professional sports, but in the history of the human experience. 

Our awards mean nothing in light of what has happened but we can't give up our duty in the face of such greatness. We must continue on. 

MOST MEANINGFUL OMENS
During pregame, the camera follows Dan Potash into the locker room for some feature we assume will be about Joe Vitale spinning wool or the weird shoes that Sutter has to wear every Tuesday, as these things typically go.
We catch a glimpse of  Sidney Crosby running a finger along his blades with a glint in his eye that we aren't legally allowed to call evil, so we'll go with "menacing." Clearly something has happened to him.
Tanger is taking imaginary slapshots, and as he pulls his arms back, you see what looks strangely like stigmata on his palms.
Malkin is muttering to himself in tongues.
The room smells like the musk of...could it be?
You look around your room, wondering who spilled a gallon of scotch into a kiddie pool of old spice. Surely the smell isn't emanating from the screen...?

Right away we all know that something strange is going on here. 

MOST PREGNANCIES INDUCED
It is only accurate to give this award to the first six minutes of this game, because after that all females in the world became impregnated. Though there were a few double pregnancies caused later on, the medical unlikelihood of it made for the fact that not as many happened in those moments. We want to be mathematically accurate here.

Only seconds after the puck dropped the Penguins were on the attack.
James Neal was all over the place, weaving in and out of the Isles players like he was making a friendship bracelet. Finally he reached Nabby, gave him a wink (because not even lesbians are immune to that charm) and pushed the puck delicately over the line as Nabs fluttered his eyelashes and waved an oriental fan. 

That was minute one alone. 
You can see why the world supply of pre-natal vitamins is now entirely inadequate. 
Of course, minutes 2-6 included Tyler Kennedy's double hat trick, so, you know.

MOST POTENTIAL REALIZED
The Pens get on their first powerplay when Grabner's leg literally explodes onto the ice and he gets called for unsportsmanlike mussiness. The problem only gets worse when the ice crew comes to clean it up and are suddenly incapacitated en masse due to food poisoning that isn't fatal, but will prevent them from ever working at the arena again.
The league announces via Jumbotron that future lawsuits aren't worth the risk.
Ice crew canceled forever.
Once the mess is cleaned up, the passing in tight, the puck control amazing, and when Letang gets his stick on that puck, he lasers it into the net like he saw it in a dream. We haven't seen something like that since...since...

IT FINALLY HAPPENED
HE FINALLY LEARNED.
 

THE MOMENT YOU REAL- 
oh fuck it.

You guys, I can't do it. 
I just can't.
I mean, we haven't done a good fake-recap in a few seasons and I was thinking tonight was the night...but I just don't have it in me. I have a lot of sadness.

You see, Zoe and I are really good at blaming shitty play on Feelings and Chemistry and Bad Situations. Because you know what? Those things cause problems a lot in hockey.
Not tonight, though. We have all of the pieces of a great team.
Tonight was watching a child cut off parts of each piece so he could cram them down the way he wanted.

There were going to be some really skilled Billy G references.
A few mentions of angels coming down from the rafters.
Curry may have made a reappearance, I don't know. 
Let's hope there's never an occasion to fake-recap again, but if there is, I promise we'll bring it, hard.

For now, let's just admit that something isn't right here.
We're not gaining momentum. Our speed is missing.
We're thinking too hard.
We can't see the forest for the trees, etc, etc. 

But you know what? It's the beginning of the season. We had a long break. Yeah, we need to get it together, but we will.
We can handle this. You see, we aren't the only ones watching. The boys are watching. The coaches are watching. We can get this all sorted out with plenty of time to spare. And because we're a bitching team, we will.

But someone, really, stop having sex with Malkin.
The man is clearly getting laid too often.
Zoe and I tried to agree that we would turn him down and yell about turnovers if he approached us, but we just ended up agreeing that there's no situation in which we could do that. Which is a problem - even we can't help in this situation.

So ladies, don't have sex with Geno. 
Otherwise, keep watching.
Stick with it.
We're going to get it right, and when we do, it's going to be glorious.

Go Pens.
You got this.

In response to the complete asshat-ery of the Rags, we (of course) decided to make our own Girl's Guide to Watching Hockey, Puck Huffers style.

THE PUCK HUFFERS GIRL'S GUIDE TO WATCHING HOCKEY

1. Enjoy watching hockey.
2. If you aren't enjoying watching hockey, stop watching hockey.

Scream with the crowd if ya want. Or don't, no pressure.

Wear giant green hands if you feel like it. Shout. Remind your team that they're #1 (even if you are sorely mistaken because you aren't a Penguins fan.)

Fuck sponsor beards, YOU wear the beard! Or don't! Or get a sponsor beard, they're actually a cool idea! Or don't give a shit about beards!

Be a Flyers fan if you absolutely must! I mean, we don't recommend it, but whatever floats your hockey boat!

Accesorize, girl! I mean, if that's your thing. If you're more comfortable in an Outer Banks T-shirt and some sweats, do that. We honestly couldn't give a shit as long as you're having fun!

Never stop the party! Or, hell, go to bed early. We don't mind. ARE YOU LOVING THE HOCKEY, IS THE QUESTION!?!

Don't get down about idiots. Yeah, they suck, but they are an endless force that we can only mute by not giving a fuck about them. 
Do hockey your way and for your reason.

These bitches totally want you to -

And we mean that with the utmost respect.

Go ladies who love hockey.
Go ladies who don't.
Go people who do what makes them happy for their own reasons.

Fuck da haters.
Go Pens.

Just when you thought you were done with Canada, you had to go to a Sens game.
No one has been pleased with this arrangement and despite tireless work to rectify it. . .we're still in Ottawa.
Apologies for the inconvenience.
please fasten your seatbelts and do as instructed by the flight crew.

MOST CONCERN

Steiggy and Errey looking overly thoughtful to begin our broadcast.
We are reminded about Gonch's presence, which Malkin seems entertained by. He said earlier that there were "no friends" on the ice, perhaps to persuade us all that his love of Sergei won't prevent him from being a dick when he needs to be. Oh Gene we trust you. We really do.

A little concern is not amiss. The Sens have a history of scoring 5-10 goals against us whenever the hell they find it convenient.

PERIOD LEAST LIKELY TO MEAN ANYTHING LATER
It's always the first period.
The Pens have had a few spectacular first periods. But they haven't really meant much later on, after we've all been lured into a false sense of security and monsters are on the loose and all we want to do is cry. As if on cue, James Neal buried one. Tangradi was on the ice for whatever reason with Neal and Malkin. Whether Tangradi suddenly remembered that the reason he is on the team is to drive his body Ryan Malone style to the net, or if he mistook a small pile of snow in Anderson's crease as a distant Cheesecake Factory, is unknown. But he went to the net and drew enough attention with him that Malkin was able to feed Neal a pass cross-ice. Neal made no mistake. It was like a real hockey goal, the kinds we used to see on TV as small children.

As always our general reaction to a James Neal goal is one of crying and moaning (you know the good kind).

MOST FEELINGS
Evgeni's Feelings (notice the capital F of Feelings) make their first appearance of the season when he decides to have one of his tiny tantrums that almost always lead to bizarre penalties. Only Gene can get away with such displays because they somehow prove his innocence, like a teenager who doesn't understand that driving too fast past the police barracks is just going to get them in trouble, not actually accomplish anything.
Gene said "fuck" a lot and had to sit in the box once is what we're trying to say. It was one of his Feelings games.
LEAST LIKELY TO SCORE ON A BREAKAWAY
Everyone. The first period ended with Letang going all Patrick Bateman on somebody who was trying to go in alone on MAF.
First and second period the Pens were on the PP 8 times but nothing happened. Dupuis got called for boarding and nothing also happened except that Matt Cooke had the longest breakaway ever, it was like Karlsson wasn't even trying to keep up with him. Cookie is not fast.

Karlsson looks like a spent mare. What was with him today. Norris Trophy up there in Canada's Capital of Dicks wasn't looking so hot at all.

Anyway Anderson still wasn't giving one up to Mattie. Press was all over it, though. They sensed a moment. Their senses were wrong.

FACTS YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD PUSHED OUT VIA EXTENSIVE THERAPY IN ORDER TO COMBAT NIGHT TERRORS
Jason Spezza is still in the NHL.

He forced MAF to give up his only rebound of the night, which led to a sloppy seconds goal by a Cornell boy named Colin Greening, who we'd actually never heard of but he doesn't appear to be totally worthless on paper, anyway. Stat padding. It's tied.

Spezza is Gollum.

It's at this point that ROOT Sports finally realizes that Niskanen hasn't played all period, and we begin our final descent into purgatory and possibly hell, where the local time is Fuck.

FEELING YOU MISSED MOST DURING THE LOCKOUT
That third period puke feeling during a tie game, when if you win, it's a good win, and if you lose, it's the third loss in a row to some asshole Canadian team that you usually try to pretend isn't even there.
But they're watching. Canada is all-seeing.
The Penguins' defense somehow dragged itself together in Niskanen's absence. Ben Lovejoy actually played more than 10 minutes and didn't falter in all of them. Letang played almost 30 minutes.
Paul Martin had an amazing journeyman game that will leave you shaking and sobbing on the floor should you choose to relive it. What a game by Paul Martin. What a third period by Paul Martin.
Tanner Glass had a revelatory shift with Evgeni. Already made more of an impact on one shift than Eric Tangradi has made in his entire library of NHL game experience. We don't even know what happened. Sid almost scored eight times, Gene hit the post on a 3-on-1. Joe Vitale almost murdered a man in open view of thousands of people. Malkin may have attacked Chris Neil for no known reason during a change. Fleury was a fucking brick wall.

This feeling is irresistible and bad for your health.

MOST FLAGRANT DISPLAYS OF HEROISM
When overtime started it was all Sens and we all threw up.
Engelland does a clean defense on a breakaway. Gets the puck and doesn't trip the man. Redemption play from Engo who made a couple little mistakes earlier. Martin has a similar play with another breakaway. Why are we giving them up in the first place? Who knows. And Orpik lifts a stick to save our souls.
It does go to shootout though. Fucking shootout.

Milan Michalek tries to go five hole. Fleury doesn't care. Save.
James Neal, whatever, of course he was going to score. 1-0.

Jason Spezza skates in on Fleury as children everywhere begin to sob without knowing why. He scores. 1-1.
Sid puts a disgusting move on Anderson, though. More disgusting than your bins get when there's a holiday and no one comes to pick up the trash for like 2 weeks. 2-1.


MAF has perhaps his first serious shootout error ever when Kyle Turris shoots on him, MAF stops it, but it drops and just ever so slowly flutters to the back of the net. Tough to take that. Turris, who looks like one of those suspiciously tan pretty dudes from high school who always came to class late, didn't bring a lot of skill to the skills competition there.

And then it was Malkin's turn, and Malkin is always shitty at the shootout. Kim said "gene is usually really bad" to me in chat just as he skated to the middle. And you know that saying like YOU HAD ONE JOB? Well, Gene had one job, and he buried it. Came easily. No fuss.
3-2 in the SO
Pens win 2-1.

Fitting that Tanner should congratulate MAF in an early candidate for MOST ADORABLE PHOTO OF SOMEONE CONGRATULATING MAF.


Bye Canada.

sad for everyone except us

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

MOST UNWANTED BALL-TAPPING

Chris Phillips this is not the place or time for such actions.
Matt looks seriously shocked.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
3. Deryk Engelland. Christ Jesus God this hurts to look at.
Click for full size, k.


2. gonch probably we miss him when is he coming home mom why isn't sergei coming home
1. Paul Martin. duh. Probably should have been a real one but people who do three stars selections possibly don't watch hockey and they chose, after the goaltenders, someone named Mark Borowiecki who had 7 hits and a giveaway. Sure, Ottawa, whatever you say.

Next, we take the Isles at home. Pens have had just one home game so far. But they're coming home again now.
We look forward to it the way you look forward to episodes of The Price is Right when you are taking a personal day to sit at home and eat snacks.
 

It's times like these -
4 games into the season, full of opinions about what we are doing wrong, seething over the existence of Canada in general - that we need to remember what life was like just a few weeks ago.
No season.
No real hope for a season.
About to watch the only thing in our lives that really matters (whatever, spouses) get washed down the drain to the omnipresent sound of Gary Bettman's maniacal laughter as red clouds swirled in the sky and maybe something about 4 horsemen or something.
IT WAS THAT BAD.

So let's take a moment to be glad that we have something to be upset about.
Like losing to people in Canada. CANADA.
Or the fact that our defensive zone looks like dog shit. 
Or Rob Rossi. 

What are those glasses?
Other than an affront to common decency. 
Zoe said it best:

Be happy to be back to being hateful. 
It's a good thing.
This game, however...
I'm just saying. Watch out for the horseshit on the red carpet tonight.

HOPES MOST LIKELY TO BE DASHED
You are waiting.
We are waiting.
The world is waiting for Sid's fist monster game. We alll want it. We all want him to breeze past the hat trick, scream at someone, blow our minds with his unrealness. It's just such a special part of being a Pens fan, the fact that you get to have such a thing to look forward to. 
So when Kunitz gets that pass to Sid, and Sid then finds some I-sold-my-soul-to-the-devil way to get it into the net, you're thinking it might be that time again. 
The press is taking tequila shots. 
I mean it.
More on this later.
Here's a picture of not-this-goal-but-close-enough-if-you're-wasted to fill the void.

There's all kinda shit happening there.

SADDEST GOAL, IN RETROSPECT
There's this 2 on 1 situation and Crosby is looking hot.
He shoots five hole and it's not even a question of his skills, it's a question of if you deserve to watch him play or not.
We're not all about Crosby worship all the time, but when it happens it happens.

They say 'tis better to have loved and lost...
But this goal just made the possibilities seem endless.
Unfortunately for us, the end was a tunnel painted onto a brick wall. 
Ugh.

JETS GOAL THAT WE WILL MOST GRACIOUSLY ACCEPT
Kane does some things.
Unlike the phrase mothers like to tell their miserable children, we believe that when it comes to enemy team goals, if you have something nice to say don't say anything at all.
This is what it felt like. 

If I were on my computer with photoshop, this would be ideal.
But that's all the way upstairs, goddamnit. 
Use your imaginations.

MOST MISINFORMED YOU'VE EVER BEEN ABOUT THE TONE OF A GAME

Pretty early in the second you're willing to say you like the play of this game.
Sure, it helps that we're up, but the Jets look solid too. The Pens look awesome. Penalties are nonexistent. Play is fast and very skilled. The goalies are looking beastly. While we love a blowout, we love a skilled game even more. 
But just as we're starting to admire it, that horrible thing starts to happen again.
Poor little Vokoun looked out from his bit of cheese.

HEY YOU GUYS, I CAN'T FILL ALL THESE HOLES MYSELF, YOU GOT ME?
GUYS?
GUYS?!?!?!?!

Our defensive zone just deteriorates.
Suddenly it's got more holes in it than your girlfriend's story about where she was tonight.
You see Byfuglie's goal coming from a mile away. You've almost reached "acceptance" by the time it actually hits the back of the net. 
We don't need to rehash all the gory details with a photo, so here's Byfuglie's real contribution to the evening:

Thanks!

SADDEST YOU FELT FOR BENNY ALL NIGHT

I mean, swiss cheese and all, it was still sad to watch it happen to him. He's so cute. We still think of him lovingly as our favorite former blogger. 

Awww. Benny.
Come here for hugs.
We forgive you.
You tried so hard.

LEAST EXISTENT THING. 
Empty net goals are only real when we score them.
Yeah, it's bitchy of us.
But we run the show here, so fuck off.

THIS JUST IN: PENS NEVER LOSING AGAIN.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

DRUNKEST
The Press wins its first award of the season. It was inspired. Seriously.
This series is just one example:

WEIRDEST VACATION THEFT
Apparently Tanner Glass spent the exact amount of time in India doing the exact same things I did and going to the exact same places as me. Not even all touristy places.

I could superimpose THE EXACT SAME PHOTO of myself and my manfriend at the Golden Temple over this and pretend I went on vacation with Tanner and his wife. 
Wait...Holiday card idea. 

ALT THREE STARS
1. You, if you watched to the final buzzer like a champ.
2. America. For not being Canada.
3. Marc Andre Fleury. 

For making our dreams come alive with this photo.


We'll get it next time.
Hey, it's hockey. We'll take it all, good and bad.
Go Pens.
 

I am recapping on the fly tonight because the Penguins are the only thing in the world that could possibly excite me the night before a 7AM dentist appointment.

I won't be sticking around for the press to post their pics so you're just going to have to deal.  I'm sure Canada covered all of their photos in semen so I don't want to show you anything too lo-res/stained anyway.

Steiggy, Bob, please see me through this mess.
SURE THING ZOË

MOST FORGOTTEN 
Pregame ceremonies--who are we even playing again?

Apparently the season intro is some kind of weird take on the Matrix or a computer. We didn't understand it.

During player intros everyone's signature was written on the ice in lasers. Holy god. Shaking and crying. They are in a circle because they are a circle of love.

But when the puck drops the Leafs obviously are mad that we forgot about their dumb asses. PaulMart gave it away to Kessel early and it was terrifying.

LONGEST MARCH OF DEATH
Colton Orr and Deryk Engelland start killing each other. ORR'S HEAD SNAPPED BACK LIKE A PEZ DISPENSER said Bob Errey.
Just as the refs try to break it up they start actually murdering each other. Engo's hair flows in the slow-mo replay to rival Kris Letang.
He has an eye injury, we're all pregnant.

WHY
Is Eric Tangradi allowed to even skate on the same ice as Sidney Crosby.

Shit is obviously a lot calmer after the fight because this is allowed to happen exclusive of our everlasting vigilance.
Then Kunitz boards Komisarek. No one knows what is going on. PK is like a dream.
Then Tangradi has a pass to Gene while Gene is all alone and he fails.
Obviously the line with Joe Vitale and Craig Adams on it draws a penalty. Everyone else sucks.

WHEN GOD COMES HOME
Pens get a PP that is must-score or we look like assholes.
Just before the first PP unit would have slunk off, having done not enough, Sid hits Gene with a pass.
Oh sweet Jesus.
Reimer is helpless.
1-0 pens

"Just shoot one timer"
Would that everything were as easy as you make it sound, Evgeni.

MOMENT IT WAS ALL FOR NAUGHT
Clarke MacArthur up your butt. Kulemin pushed Engo, Engelland knocked Fleury down. To be fair to the Leafs though they were flying and we had nothing.
Gary Glitter may be back with the Pens but something has yet to exorcise the demons.
Joe Vitale is our only hope. Seriously.

THE CAM WARD MEMORIAL TROPHY
REIMER WHAT THE FUCK
honorary mention to excessive passing by our boys in black
AND JAMES VAN RIEMSDYK YOU RAT BASTARD
we never liked you
2-1 Leafs.

AWARD FOR BRAVERY
After the Leafs put their sacs on our faces, we are dead in the water.
Sid bumped a puck down with his body and went off to the races.
Nasty-ass semi-breakaway. Five hole. You heard us scream in other galaxies. SID.
Followed by endless penalties including some 5 on 3 bullshit.
Engo is the first out of the box, comes out to clear the puck. Thank god. Redemption.

SHORTEST LIVED REDEMPTION
Pens are getting called for approximately everything.
Fleury is the only person who has yet to sully himself in this game. FINALLY IT IS KILLED but who knows what we even have left in the tank at this point. Please just don't board anyone.

MOST WATER REFERENCES
Bob Errey literally talked about Phil Kessel drinking water on the bench.

Guess Kessel didn't like it.

EVEN SHORTER LIVED REDEMPTION
Malkin with the giveaway of the year.
JVR buries another.
Kill yourself.
The Leafs are our biggest challenge yet.  Guess the Atlantic sucks dicks now.
Finally someone calls Toronto for something, though.  Maybe it was all worth it.  Maybe.

APPARENTLY GIVING US FITS
Nikolai Kulemin who the fuq let you in here.
Leafs now lead the league all-time since 1897 in takeaways.
If JVR scores again we're unplugging the matrix and killing all of you.

PERIOD THAT MOST SMELLED LIKE DESTINY
To death

not even touching this rn

by the end of the game sutter is on malkin's wing

Tangradi has not seen the ice since early 2nd.  small victories.
Steiggy and Errey go on some rant about Randy Carlyle and all the mink coats he used to have including a mink stole. and how he had a special relationship with the security staff in the Civic Arena because of his mink stole? wtf is happening.
Oh by the way: New rule in the CBA says you can't touch Mike Komisarek.
Everyone is a dick.

Pens end the game with a too many men on the ice penalty, because it's really ironic, since they were playing most of the game with only 4 defensemen and 11 forwards (cc stoosh for that deet).

leafs win 5-2 on some trash goal that could have been avoided if someone had played hockey

Pretty sure the Pens have never won after a ceremony-night at CONSOL Energy Center.

Kinda ridiculous when you think about it.

But we'll be back on the horse soon.

Covered in mink.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

PEOPLE WE LIKE

Rob King and Jay Caufield. You do you, guys.

PRETTIEST


ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS

1. Niskanen's hair

2. Joe Vitale. duh.

3. THE CONCEPT OF BOARDING

honorable mention to the sweat sheen on niskanen's perfect face.

we'll see you again soon after we wipe the stench of canada off of our bodies.

GO PENS

Quit laughing.
This game was fun to watch. It pointed out some flaws we need to work on but never concerned us too much with whether or not we would win. 
Seriously, though, quit laughing.
We don't want to get cocky. (Unless "getting cocky" means something totally different, in which place, yes, please, bring on James Neal to administer the...cockiness? This is heavy handed at best, you guys.) 
It's too soon for that.

There's a lot to talk about this evening, so let's just dive on in. 
 

MOST LIKELY TO DIE FROM CHOKING ON DORITO DUST
Before the game starts, we have to remember a few things about where people are in the world of hockey. The past week has been such a whirlwind that we need to readjust to some ideas that never fully settled with us.

Guys. GUYS. It's okay.
Fat Rick is still alive. He's just a Rag now, remember? 
And sure, NYC got rid of those giant slurpee cups but he seems to be getting by just fine without them. 
From the looks of it, his grief is manifesting itself as cramming pudding cups down his fat hole until he passes out from lack of oxygen.
We'd still ride shotgun in his truck. 

RUINER OF FACES, WINNER OF HEARTS
It's two seconds into the game when Tanner Glass and Asham decide to get into it. No one is shocked. 

MAF with his head sticking out on the end there is the cutest little thing.
We were just happy to see it happen. It's been too long since we could get excited about a good 'ol fashioned brawl. 
For the record, Tanner Glass sounds like the name of a child star. We love him endlessly for this and for the  fact that he is a fucking tornado on the ice.
We learned a lot about him tonight, his studies about imperialism being the most exciting and confusing.
And that it's important to say the WHOLE NAME lest we think you are talking about an inanimate object.
Steiggy and Bobby, we missed you so.

MOST OUT OF CONTROL OBSESSION
James decided early in the first period that he wanted us to have a calm and happy evening and get to bed on time. 

Neal gets off a "wicked" (bobby's word) wrist shot on a PP to put us in the lead early.
It was artful.
We know that you know that we often have unhealthy obsessions.
We now need you to know that our thing with James has reached a level where it can only be satisfied by the most sacrilege debauchery imaginable.
We just want to be open about this. Our sexual impulses are at an all time high during hockey season. Condensing it means it could get dangerous.
GOALS LIKE THIS DON'T HELP, MR.NEAL. 

GOAL LEAST LIKELY TO MATTER
Callahan tries to be relevant. 
Somehow manages to get a PP goal. 

We wonder if Wheat Thins will pull sponsorship now that Fat Rick is there, ruining the team BMI. 

Vokoun was fucking great this evening, but Cookie's disappointed father look is priceless in this moment.

Callahan quickly returned to irrelevancy, however, when he got a presidential teabagging.

And if that weren't enough to cast that Rags goal back to the hell from which it came, Niskanen sends one home, Crosby finally getting on the board with an assist, and we go into intermission 3-1.

ELIGIBLE FOR SENIOR CITIZEN DISCOUNT
We try to be diplomatic about age most times.
 That being said, 30 is when you can start collecting social security, right?
Wait....right?
Let's just ask the Rags, because everyone on their team is fucking ANCIENT. This is like the Assault of the Olds from the Red Wings all over again. 
When, in the second period, Dupes racked up yet another goal on the withering Henrik, he was pulled in hopes that yet another Old could do better. 

Olds are the worst.

(Minus Billy G.
We still want him to wear a robe and slippers and demand we pour him another scotch while he reads the paper. But that's different.)

LEAST MEANINGFUL CHANGE
Biron stepped it up a little. But really, when you're talking one old for another, things can't improve too much.

James Neal, with his perfect, angelic, grandmother-knit-sweater soul makes it 5-1 in the third.


LEAST DOCUMENTED GOALS
At this point we weren't sweatin' it.
Of course, we should always be sweatin' it, because the moment you take to congratulate yourself just may be the moment the Rags decide to grow a pair and act like they've discovered that this wasn't just a fever dream and was a real live NHL game after all. 
Pyatt and Nash both get one in the third to make it 5-3. And then there are a few close calls to boot, but Vokoun locks it down. 
There's currently no evidence of this, but this captured the way we all felt:

NO DADDY RUPP DON'T DO IT TO US
DON'T TOUCH US THERE
NO I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU ABOUT MY DEGRASSI AUDITION
(Seriously. Tanner Glass?)

THE CREAMY FILLING WE ALL WANTED
Rags do the logical thing and pull Biron for the extra attacker.
Tanger sails it into the empty net with ease.
We play down the clock.

6-3. Pens win.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

THE "WAIT WHEN DID YOU GET HERE" AWARD
We're not saying Tanger was ever bad.
We're just saying he owes us a redemption season to really make our love for him justified. 
And DAMN if he doesn't look amazing out there.
Agile. Smart. No longer the head-case of yesteryear.
We're in love with it.
Not in a sexual way, because we still don't get that aspect of it.
But Tanger is really looking good.

ALL GROWN UP AND WELCOME TO MOVE IN WITH US

We've never gotten the whole sexy-Crosby thing either.
But really, Mr. Crosby, where did you learn to give that look?
Yes, please.

ALT THREE STARS

1. Tyler Kennedy. Can join Letang in the category of looking fucking amazing this season.
2. Fat Rick. Same as Jakub from yesterday. Call your mother. 
3. Tanner Glass. Really exceptional. 

Also, we won't bore you with details of a small porn star obsession, but if you are familiar with the work of James Deen, we are open to creating conspiracy theories that James Neal is the same person. Best Day/Night job combo ever. 

If only it were always a game a day.
Our patience is shit now that games are back.
Already amped for the next time.
Go Pens. 

Could have been better, could have been worse.
But we won.
We're back, bitches. Let's set the tone.


The Penguins came into a building that was loud and, as always, orange.
It makes sense to give awards, since the only thing grosser than wading through that orange sludge is having to master it.

WORST CAPTAIN

I was totally shocked because I'd had no idea they'd made Giroux captain and it entertains me, not because he isn't an unreal nasty hockey player, but because his attitude about life seems to exude pure evil. He really is a perfect villain.
And a terrible captain. Mostly for having a terrible Twitter account and thinking he is the shit.
I died.

THE GOAL THAT SMELLED LIKE REDEMPTION
The Pens get an early PP because Braydon Coburn, one of our favorite summer picnic guests, got it into his head that he was gonna touch Crosby. Refs were calling interference in this game like it was a sexual harassment lawsuit.
Paul Martin blasted one towards Bryz that apparently went off of Tyler Kennedy. Two people who had been the main targets of abuse for a Penguins team that just couldn't "get to their game" hooked up to make the first magic of the season.


That first fucking on-ice hug.
Of course Dupuis was on the ice. He always is for goals that feel like this. 2nd PP unit makes shit happen.

WINTER'S FIRST TRIP TO THE BABY MAKIN' FACTORY
Under three minutes later, Malkin innocently won a faceoff back to James Neal. His release was so quick that half the building probably didn't notice he had scored until it was too late. Bryz was stunned.
No one photographed the goal as they were all too busy rushing to the pharmacy for Plan B. Oh James, oh James. How we have missed you. And your ginger face and your nasty wrist shot.
We like to imagine these ladies were firmly in their seats:

Dude in the upper right had probably already spilled Miller all over himself by this point in the game and was wolfing down some kind of chili dog during the goal. Disappointing turnout, Philadelphia. This is who you choose to show to the nice photographers?

MOMENT IT COULD HAVE ALL UNRAVELLED
Giroux came out and scored like 8 seconds into the second period. We like to examine photos like these:

Claude looks more morose/mysterious than anyone else in the room. Kimmo is just trying to get through the game so he can have peanut butter and Ritz crackers afterwards. And Brayden Schenn is interested, the way clumsy puppies are interested in Frisbees. Giroux is just a sinister ringleader in a band of tragic, potentially dangerous fools.


But the Pens didn't unravel. They sustained some serious pressure and Fleury had to make some spectacular saves.
But they didn't crack.
And there were no stupid fights, no pushing and shoving like guys who are trying to prove shit to each other at the bar.
This isn't to say that between-whistles shenanigans are always amiss at Pens-Flyers games. But this one, it would have looked immature, like we were still dwelling on a really lame fight we got into in the cafeteria in 9th grade (i.e. the entire series last year).

MOST PERFECT SERIES OF ACTIONS

All of those performed by The Honorable Mr. Brandon Sutter, King of Kings.
No really, if any Pens fan thinks we lost on the Staal trade, they can't watch hockey.
The man is brilliant.
We want to sculpt his likeness in black marble and keep it on our lawn.
Second-place, to be sculpted in pink marble, Tanner Glass, who was beautiful on every PK (and there were too many):

credit to some girl's Tumblr

The rest of the second period, and into the third, inspired nothing but fear.
But MAF was a brick wall.

except for the times that he terrified us. which we missed.

God that reminds us to give the GREASIEST AND MOST SLUGGISH GINGER special award to Hartnell jesus christ

MOST MOMENTS YOU LACKED THE ABILITY TO BREATHE

The Pens and the Flyers started taking penalties towards the end of the game and it was enough to kill you dead in a 1 goal situation.
If it was that bad at the first game of the season we don't know if we can survive going forward.
Giroux was the sandwich filling between a horrible interference call on Engo and Gene high-sticking someone.
You knew you were ready for the season when you started SCREAMING at Pierre when, after a VERY obvious trip by Giroux, he was in the middle of jumping on Letang and his hair for some kind of ambiguously illegal hand motion.
Kunitz finally buried the empty net. Everyone exhaled and tried not to pee themselves.
Chris Kunitz is our favorite cannonball.
Kim got a nosebleed from her reaction to this goal.


sorry assholes
3-1
Pens Win

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS WELP

Sid didn't do a ton, except get three shots on goal, play 19 minutes, and be on the ice for Giroux's bullshit and win some faceoffs (65% of them). Didn't light up the world but we didn't need him to tonight.
Let's just hope that the hockey media doesn't see this all as wasted expectations and start bugging us about him all the time for different reasons.

MOST FLEXIBLE SCHENN

whichever one this is we think it's luke


ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Brandon Sutter. DUH. oh god hold us
2. Jakub Voracek. Please go home to Columbus where you belong is your mother back in Kladno worried when was the last time you called her
3. Paul Martin, 2 assists, NONE TOO SHABBY

the end
get ready to die
go pens

EDITED TO ADD:

HEY REMEMBER HOW ERIC TANGRADI IS SUPPOSED TO BE MALKIN'S WINGER BECAUSE US NEITHER WHOSE IDEA WAS THAT SHIT

someone please send him back to Wilkes-Barre we can't do this all season

go pens