Jesus Christ I just sat down to type and the fight is already happening what the hell. Thanks, Blues.
Okay, so let's skip the ridiculous expo for this game and get to a half-assy recap. The Blues are good and it'll be interesting to see what we look like up against them. Just pretend I said something about goaltender breakfast cereal preferences and threw in a couple of your mom jokes and let's dive right in.
(P.S. I'm totally bonin' your mom.)
MOMENT YOU WERE MORE JAZZED FOR THAN NECESSARY
Is this game at 8? Yeah, 8. Quick, turn off the Netflix docudrama about dolphin murder or trans fat or the latin queens or whatever and get Root up there on the scre- what the whaaat! Reaves and Engelland start circling right off the faceoff, and you get ecstatic because, let's be clear, fights are super entertaining. They throw a few punches and eventually just bow out because it wasn't as exciting as anyone wanted it to be.
We miss helmets coming off tbqh. We'll gripe about it at another time.
The first period of this game is a perfect example of how nothing, score-wise, can happen in a game and it can still be exciting and engaging and not at all stale and upsetting like the second of the CBJ games played recently.
Sutter gets a chance with a wrister, Halak says no. Sobotka gets a chance on us and Orpik and MAF team up to tell him to eat a dick. Bobby gets a little too excited for a faceoff and basically tells Steiggy to shut it. It's as hilarious as you would expect. All in all everyone is on their game and it's fun to keep up with it above the sound of bonghits in the press box.
Fantastic breakaway chance for Sid at the end of his shift after Oshe decides passing is a hilarious joke he wants to tell everyone. Halak makes it look easy. Sid was tired but you still wanted it so bad. Sigh.
A few minutes later Neal gets on that goes just off the side to put you even more on the edge of your seat, just in case you felt comfortable. Malks decides to take a break in the penalty box because he heard they had cookies, and the Blues get a few seconds of PP before we go into intermission.
PASTRY MOST FILLED WITH ANTS
We kill the penalty at the beginning of the second, and to celebrate Nisky has a gross turnover that allows the Blues to cash in. MAF tries to say no but chokes on the straw of his juicebox.
The shadow that pastry casts is like the shadow in our souls. A+ photography.
Bobo comes THISFUCKINGCLOSE to tying it up almost immediately, but God has never liked us that much, probably because we wear skirts and drink and wink at boys. That one's on us, guys, sorry.
The Pens get a PP and we decide to not do what we do best with PPs (which is to say jack shit) and Jussi makes a nice play at the blue line to keep it in, which ends up being a gift to himself as he ends up chipping it past Halak's skate. 1-1.
Brooksy goes to the box for winking at the ref and chirping "tell your sister I said hi." Maybe. There was no other reason, so we assume that happened behind the scenes. We kill it, obv.
If you weren't squinting hard enough at the refs, Glass and Stewart each get 10 minute conducts for ???////
Sid gets a sick chance at a redirect and misses it, and before he can kick himself for it, Bouwmeester crosschecks the shit outta him, much to the hilarious disregard of the refs. We all head into the third laughing and pretending to be pals while scrawling hate messages about one another on the bathroom walls.
MOST JUICEBOXES REVOKED
MAF has a hard time tracking a puck about halfway through the third and it trickles through 5 hole. It's gross and we don't want to talk about it. We're not blaming MAF alone but maybe no more juiceboxes on the ice okay.
Bobby tells us we need one to tie it up. Thanks, Champ. That's some in-depth commentary.
MOST JUICEBOXES ALMOST IMMEDIATELY REINSTATED
A 2-on-1 emerges in our zone and Steen gets a chance to absolutly slam a wrister towards the net. MAF comes up HUGE with the safe. We almost say that we are giving him back his juice, but then realize that hanging it over his head is a much more effective system.
We'll have to remember for next time, though, because the clock runs out with us behind.
SECOND MOST LIKELY TO FLY TO THE MOON
Tell Chris we said hello.
ALT THREE STARS
Brooks - How many shots can you block?
BoBo - Omg how could we not
Scottrade Center Music Selections - I mean really.
So the game was pretty hard fought and we don't feel bad about much that happened, other than the whole not winning part. The Blues are a good team to go up against to get an idea of where you stand, and from what we saw, we're pretty happy with how we did.
We'll work out the kinks and come back stronger.
Also, hey, at least we have never losing again to look forward to.
Jesus Christ I just sat down to type and the fight is already happening what the hell. Thanks, Blues.
*yawn* *stretch* how long has it been? Since Saturday? Is this still America? Is this still Earth? Are there still canned soups and mixed nuts and other fine modern conveniences? Are they still calling it the "Metropolitan Division"? Is it still total and complete trash? Good, good. . .well, about the last thing anyway.
Seems like the Pens haven't played a lot of division games. Maybe we just don't notice them anymore because they are no longer interesting, like this season of Pretty Little Liars. We literally watch them because we have to or we'll die.
The beginning of the game is pretty boring. Doc is acting on NBC like it's all exciting bur really very little is occurring.
Then the Pens get a PP. It is a seriously good PP with some great passing plays and good chances on Lundqvist. And yet there is no payoff. It's like someone is trying to tell us something about how this just isn't going to be our night. Apparently we're playing really well though. According to the media. We're not saying it's not true. Just that we feel lethargic.
Could be the lighting in MSG. God, the lighting in MSG is just so disgraceful. The Rangers don't even seem to be trying.
BASICALLY LIKE AN ADRENALINE RUSH IN YOUR FUCKING HEART
The first truly interesting thing to happen is that a Crosby-to-Niskanen-at-the-point nifty pass ends up sitting on the goal line after squeaking through Lundqvist's butt. Callahan saves the day. MUST YOU? CAN YOU STOP?
lost in all that is that MAF is still inhabiting reality with us
After that, the game vaguely starts waking up. The people in MSG are at least waking up. Adams hits a post which makes someone spontaneously throw a kegger in your heart. Someone drunk at MSG might be chanting FLEURRRYYYY or BOOOORRRRING we can't tell
MOMENT YOU STOPPED TO LOOK AT YOUR PHONE AND EVERYTHING BEGAN TO SUCK
something happened, random goal
oh god boyle looks like the creepy owls
didn't even take a minute to recover from that. no one paid attention. Zuccarello sprung Stepan off of a massive turnover and it was 2-0 and tits-up-o'clock.
what the FUCK is going on with sweater and tie guy? WHAT IS HE HOLDING AND WHY IS HE SO DIALED IN AND WHY IS HE WEARING THAT FUCKING SWEATER
2-0 really fast. rest of the period doesn't matter. We don't like to invoke cliches but that was probably the hugest WOOF of the season so far.
LITERALLY OUR ONLY CHANCE
Pens get another PP. LOL NOPE
Shortly thereafter Brooks takes a penalty and literally eats a man in protest, or so it seems.
In this moment, we see a questionable tie choice by Bylsma.
feels like the game is going to be over at any minute.
Pens get yet another PP chance awhile after and they very clearly blow it. Just getting more and more frustrated.
MOMENT GOD DIED YET AGAIN IN THE CESSPOOL THAT IS NEW YORK CITY
We were long overdue for a God Death.
After the Pens screw up their PP, Rangers score a ridiculous goal off the rush.
Rangers are so stunned they didn't suck that they give up a 2 on 1 but Lundqvist is in the business with it.
WELL, I GUESS WE GOT 5000 MORE LAST CHANCES
Pens are given yet another PP because clearly Pittsburgh is the team all the officials are biased towards.
The Pens manage to focus their adolescent rage and Kris Letang, the adolescent rage-iest of them all, goes deep on the play after manning the top of the zone like a pro and manages to knock one home when Lundqvist is least expecting it.
and it's 3-1. We're not dead.
Puck gets deflected twice past Fleury because ????????????
4-1. MSG chanting Fleury in an intermittent, haunting fashion.
Do we really have to play the third period?
MOMENTS YOU CARED LEAST ABOUT
Rangers start the third period with a minute of PP for some reason. Kreider almost buries it and you are totally just pretending at this point that you don't want to be bought a shot of tequila so you can take your aggression out on the universe before bed.
Rangers take a penalty after their power play expires because obviously they're a classy team. Captain Callahan interfered with Fleury. Obviously.
PP appears to have not even actually happened. Craig Adams and Dustin Jeffrey (who has been pooping himself all game) are out for it, of all people. And they almost convert. Then they imprison Joey's flow for possibly kneeing Callahan?
god everything is bad and continues to be be bad and irritating
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WHOLE FAMILY
can we not
Pens get a late PP with like under 4 minutes left so clearly maybe we can try to lose this one 5-2 instead of 5-1.
Except we don't, so.
Pens Lose. Pretty bad.
MOST ROMANCE NOVEL COVER ANGUISH
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. not the defense
2. not the forwards
3. not Dustin Jeffrey
4. creepy owls
yes, four stars
just get us to the next game. which is apparently in St. Louis. maybe we can get it up for that.
Home and homes are boring and awful let's be real. We love CBJ, we love (and maybe feel a little guilty about) the Pens fan showing in Columbus, but really, switch it up for us. We can't care this consistently no matter how many times Bobby says "rivalry."
What I'm saying is that I have a short attention span. You may have a magnificent attention span and disagree with me entirely about home and homes. But here we are. Let's just do what everyone else is doing and waste time talking about how many Pens fans are in Colu-
What was I saying? God that was getting so boring.
Oh my god let's just go. Make it exciting and shiny, boys.
But okay really, the Pens fans are showing up strong with the Let's Go Pens chant. Let's Go Jackets is coming back strong, though, and we can't help but think that a little fan insecurity in the face of so many away fans is maybe good for the Jackets fans' spirit. We really love them. When we go to CBJ home games and see opposing team couples, like a Pens jersey holding hands with a CBJ jersey, we melt all over the ground.
Sports are so romantic you guys omg.
The first 10 minutes are basically a test to see how much I care to cling to this thing we call life because literally nothing exciting is happening. The Pens are controlling the play super nicely, there are a few unsuccessful wristers fired, and generally it is just really clean, nice hockey. Blachhh.
In the second half of the first Dupes gets a pretty great chance that makes you jump out of your seat in hopes of something actually materializing. No dice. You're starting to wish that Jared Boll would meet you in the ally behind the arena and give you whatever it is he's got today.
Hint: Something strong, as per usual.
SOMETHINGEST THING OF THE FIRST PERIOD
Malkin draws a penalty in front of the CBJ net like a boss, giving us a PP for the last minute and a half of the first. Some messy work on our end creates a good chance for a CBJ 2 on 1 shortie, but Letang is in the slot to shut it down.
We head into intermission with a score that reflects perfectly what has happened in the game.
QUITE POSSIBLY THE BIGGEST TEASE
The second starts with another shortie chance for the Jackets but Zatkoff stands tall. The PP winds down, thank god, because it was not really looking like our night for cashing in on it.
The Jackets are looking pretty solid right outta the gate, but so is the Pens D. Malkin gets a good chance off a faceoff, and the play starts to pick up speed a bit. Both teams have been playing it safe, but now it looks like we're flirting with the idea of making a game of it. Please don't play with my heart, guys.
MOST SATISFYING CONCLUSION OF FLIRTATIOUS BEHAVIOR
Vitale makes a real solid pass to Engo from the right corner and Engo fires a wicked shot that goes flying past McElhinney's glove hand.
No photos have surfaced, so please enjoy this treat:
Billy G's name is dropped and we feel all tingly inside. The ragtag crew that is the 4th line is basically our favorite.
Suddenly there is an onslaught of penalties. The Jackets get a PP for a bit, then Tanger gets restless and tries to murder someone and Umberger gets in on the penalty funsies. This all ends in a 4 on 4 and everyone on the ice is all YOU WANTED IT TO BE MORE EXCITING RIGHT and truth be told I am kind of happy that things are going on in the game now but did we really have to decide the way to inject some life into the game was a clusterfuck of penalties?
Maatta gets a swell chance once the penalties die down and the speed of the game is now something we can all be proud of. Until Jared Boll gets a little too frisky with Tanger on the boards, and Tanger behaves like a gentleman about it, leaving us with a PP. The game is getting kind of angry. Yaaaay! Unfortunately our PP looks like our PP, and we come away with it with nothing and finish out the period leaving it at 1-0.
FYI Jared Boll is just a few minutes shy of 1,000 career penalty minutes, echoing his number of career bonghits.
The beginning of the third brings an own goal from Comeau, credited to Kunitz.
Just a lovely shot, really :/
We don't want to talk about this. An own goal is only a victory when it's a team you really really hate. But hey! 2-0
It's of the boringness again. The second period was really the only one where we escaped it. It's just kinda safe play. Whatevs. Jokinen snags the empty net. 3-0.
MOST MISSED FEATURE
Srsly guys when was the last time.
ALT THREE STARS
Jared Boll - Seriously? Almost a thousand penalty minutes? You think he'd be more mellow. Maybe due to some strange sponsorship he gets a taco bell taco for every one? Someone keep an eye on him in the penalty box. See if he comes out with wilted lettuce on his jersey.
Zatkoff - QT
CBJ Fans - QTs
Whatevs. You can't get 60 minutes of super edge-of-your-seat hockey every night. The second period redeemed the game.
We'll take it.
The Columbus Blue Jackets are our second-favorite children, and they have finally come home to the Pens' division, which ends a decade of nonsense since Columbus is the closest NHL city to Pittsburgh. Not actually sure of mileage versus Washington but I mean who likes the Caps? No one likes the Caps.
Pregame involved the following photo. Joe Vitale throwing classic Max Talbot shade:
SPEAKING OF, NOT RELATED TO THIS GAME AT ALL:
jesus. did we mention the Flyers traded away Max Talbot for Steve Downie? Straight up? No, you did read that right.
PH is planning something special for the April 6 game against the Avalanche. We are very serious about this. Keep it in the back of your minds.
Anyway. So there's a game.
QUICKEST TRANSITIONS OF LOVE
It's funny how once the Philadelphia media stopped talking about Sergei Bobrovsky we stopped hating him. Both goalies are killing it early on. We had to fan ourselves and have a case of the vapors over MAF when the pens got into some trouble before Sid and Dupuis almost destroyed Bobrovsky's existence.
Couple minutes later, Malkin skates up and draws a penalty. Yes this is the autumn of love.It didn't take long for the Pens to score. Kunitz parked his butt in Bobrovsky's mouth and deflected a shot from Paul Martin, American Hero:
this is probably the most interesting game all season
CLOSEST TO DOOMSDAY
we imagine this is what it's like if you have two close friends and one of them is kind of a fuckup and one of them is really smart but the smart one gets like a shitty boyfriend and starts blogging about One DirectionJackets get a pair of power plays and damn if it isn't THAT close. Former Favorite Mark Letestu and Gaborik and Jack Johnson are all over our souls and eating our darkest secrets with their morning granola as hellfire rains down.MAF is completely unimpressed by their efforts and slams the door on 16 first period shots, including some doozies. This is not the MAF we have known before. He reeks of swagger and swoon.
TIME YOU ALMOST SENT AN APOLOGY BOUQUET
So Sutter comes streaking down the right wing on a 2 on 1 and totally obliterates Bobrovsky. Shot. Goal. 2-0. Pens didn't quite deserve that. Bob Errey uses the word "rivalry" for the ninetieth time. You wonder if he believes it's true or if a producer told him to do it.
Sutter must have flipped the Monster switch.
James Wisniewski closed his hand on a puck. Actually.Then Sutter screened Bobrovsky on a Letang shot from the ensuing power play. Letang hasn't punched anyone yet this year so we're okay with him scoring 2 goals.
oh then the Blue Jackets pull Bobrovsky
and Megna puts in a rebound behind McElhinney.
so everyone is pretty much on a slowboat to Hades and it's 4-0MOST LIKE A PITY FUCK
Jackets rally and have yet another good shift and finally get one.
still it's not a marriageat the end of the period Niskanen fights Comeau because ??? and exposes his sweet flow
THE BEST CAKE YOU NEVER ATE
Sid and Gene hook up for an insane goal. But wait. . .it's not in. Gene is like "No" and shakes his head as Letang goes full-on stupid puppy mode as if he was just shown a steak and a piece of rawhide.
Gene's reaction after the ref calls the no goal at center ice is priceless because he literally doesn't give a fuck. Consummate professional.
Jackets take some other penalty too later just because
blah blah blah
SLOWEST ILLUSION OF DEATH
shitty people with tickets are leaving the arena and things are starting to get a wee bit nasty. The shouting, the hitting, the ridiculous weird Tanner Glass hits
Johansen gets angry enough and scores a pretty goal short side, but it's not going to be enough quite yet, with less than a minute to go.
The fact that we are stressing about a last minute goal this significantly probably proves
other than watching Tanner Glass get injured in slow-mo, nothing else really happens though.
To Be Continued
The Capitals made the Flyers look like consummate idiots tonight. We publicly apologize for saying that no one likes the Capitals. Because now everyone who hates the Flyers loves them. A+ Would Passively Watch Again.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Robert Bortuzzo - mammoth game from him. 6 shots.
2. Jared Boll - think of all the energy you saved skating only 8 minutes that you can now channel into packing bowls
3. Paul Martin - still quietly leading the charge
like we said, this apparently ain't over
go pensno comments
Have you ever tried watching a Pens-Bruins game in a Boston sports bar during a home-field series-clinching World Series game for the Red Sox? Let's not downplay the difficulty of this. It was not easy. You could probably get punched for putting hockey on any TV west of Copley Square last night. But we succeeded by pulling back to the keep (i.e. the North End). And this is what we learned:
1. Everyone looks so incredibly good in purple.
this is legitimately garish and lurid and all words in between but somehow it's also kind of amazing. We just did some minor poking into the charitable beneficiaries of Hockey Fights Cancer nights and Komen isn't involved so it's probably okay. We don't necessarily believe "awareness" has anything to do with wearing pink/purple unless the jersey also has information about cancer screenings and risk factors stitched in large letters on the front but okay ~you go fight that cancer~ with this absolutely disgusting, wondrous color combo
2. NBC is on drugs.
Asking this "rivalry" game between the Penguins and the Bruins to be a big deal is kind of hilarious. That said, it was a good hockey game. The first period was just a re-hash of "hey remember how Tuukka Rask is good?" The best thing about watching the first period was the realization that I could not actually hear NBC in the bar because the single TV tuned to the hockey game was on mute. It was like Christmas.
3. Chris Kunitz is like a comforting warm morning muffin or something.
He can wake everybody the fuck up while still being pretty. That goal was pretty cool. Little swish n' flick. On the power play, too, which helped. Because man that power play has been totally asinine.
BONUS: WE DIDN'T LEARN:
why Sid gets so upset during games against like the Bruins and the Panthers. Really what would lead him to get so upset at Torey Krug? We are unsure. We assume that Sid receives some kind of special, divine messages from atop a holy mountain and that the signals got garbled and he interpreted "you should have a nice cup of tea later, fyi" as "KRUG IS THE ENEMY DESTROY KRUG."
no really this made no sense wtf are you doing
4. Brandon Sutter isn't dead.
5. Jussi is still Finnish power.
6. Also Iggy will help them hang around and the Pens will allow a late goal, but we still won, because "almost" doesn't count. At least not right now.
In conclusion: most of this game didn't happen.
The Cardinals lost, that's the main thing that's important.
And also the Bruins lost which makes some kind of poetic Boston-Pittsburgh justice that we don't quite understand but it all makes sense.
EXTRA BONUS: quick Canada news rundown: Toronto is become death, I saw a man on the bus this morning wearing a blank Canucks jersey and a Team Canada scarf and it took me several minutes to realize that this was his Halloween costume--he was dressed as a Canadian. How spooky.
go pensno comments
Just a heads up that Zoë will be reporting LIVE from the belly of the beast tonight, aka a sports bar literally steps from Fenway Park as the Boston Red Sox play the potential World Series clincher. The Pens-Bruins game doesn't start until 8pm which strikes us as horribly unwise. She will be wearing a Joe Vitale shirt in enemy territory.
The Bruins are kind of good. The Pens have played more games and are, as we all know, on a losing streak. This is the first time the teams meet since That Thing Happened in the playoffs.
The deeper question: if Zoë wears a Penguins shirt to people recognize her as an ally to the Red Sox cause because clearly a Pittsburgh fan wants to take out the Cards, or do they still see her as The Enemy?
Follow PuckHuffers and zoeclaire_ on Twitter for updates and expect a recap god knows when. We still don't really care about baseball that doesn't call PNC Park home but god damn do we like a party. Also, fuck the Cardinals. Also, there's nothing to get the rage adrenaline pumping like being in a sum of all fears situation with a bunch of Boston sports fans. Consider it like recreational drug use but without the drugs.
Go Pens.no comments
Once upon a time Puck Huffers staff broke into the basement of the Carolina Hurricanes arena in order to take smarmy photos next to signs threatening waterboarding by Gary Bettman himself if we entered the hallowed grounds. "Fuck 'em!" we laughed, nervously eyeing the staff of the Jehovah's Witness convention taking place on the floor of the arena.
This is where the zambonis live.
While we were there, we may or may not have placed some kind of hockey bitch curse on the location that gives the Pens an edge, even when our previous two games were dog shit.
Or I am drunk and just saying things. You guess.
You think that maybe one day there will be such a thing as civil game between the Canes and the Penguins, but then you remember the time Bill Cowher set that fucking siren or whatever off and you get angry all over again because really how dare he and how dare they.
Maybe that's ancient history, but Brett Sutter boarding the shit out of Craig Adams isn't. Vitale steps up and exchanges some right hooks with Mr. Sutter, and it ends in some majors and minors, including the boarding call for Sutter. Fucker.
Maybe we should calm down before we get a condition.
BEST TRASH PICKUP
The puck gets a lot of action around the Canes net. Megna makes a move for the net and Peters gets a blocker save that sets up a fat rebound. Tanner moves in for the kill. Orpik gets an assist for being a baller, and we always love to see that. Everyone gets special PH points for being sexy. We love it.
First, Sutter gets a penalty for the Pens by tripping up Semin. We really get it, B.Sutts, we really do, but try to calm it down. Before we can even play off the penalty, Adams just fucking chops at Eric Staal's shins, giving the Canes the two man advantage for upwards of a minute. They cash in, of course, tying it up before intermission.
Kunitz commemorates the start of the second by getting a penalty, which is just kind of weird. Luckily we get away with killing it, despite a pretty wicked one-timer by Gerbe. Sekera takes another shot just as the penalty expiers, but we somehow manage to keep them clear.
Tie games are like making out with your cousin until the next goal is scored. Speaking of making out with your cousin, it's almost Halloween, ya'all. Remember the slut rule!
Crosby gets an absolutely sick pass to Kunitz, who takes the puck blocker side and gets it home. Sid gets an assist and Orpik gets the secondary (Jesus, Brooks, what's up with you tonight? Keep it coming!)
BEST THREE POINTS
Megna, who has kind of been killing it tonight, gets yet another chance for greatness in the third period and cashes in. Orpik and Sid set up a move that gets a little hairy and bounces off of Megna and then behind Peters. It has to be reviewed, but ends up going on the scoreboard. Fucking Brooks Orpik gets another assist. Three cheers for Megna and all, but when Brooks can get a three point night, it is a good time.
We play out the clock and the final buzzer sounds at a good solid 3-1.
SENIOR SUPERLATIVE CUTEST COUPLE
ALT 3 STARZZZZ
Megna - gets a double because srsly what a cute
Brooks - duh
The entire team - for not playing like shit, thx guys, we needed that
So we kinda sucked for two games but it happens sometimes. We can always bounce back and be wonderful.
It's a long ass season, thank goodness.Or whatever accounts for such things. We need a new deity up in here real soon.
The Pens staggered out of bed this morning and sent out a mass text reminiscent to the one I sent the morning after my 21st birthday: "Whose apartment are we in, whose blood is this, and what the fuck happened last night?"
They fumbled through the halls and, finding no one, grabbed a beer from the fridge, stole a hoodie from the closet, and started on the long walk to Toronto. Maatta's blade was broken clean off his skate. Sid puked in a city trashcan. Tanger had tinsel inexplicably dangling from his hair. MAF could be heard whispering "never again. never again."
We did not go to Toronto fresh of a Stride of Pride, bitches and gents. But maybe we can make better decisions for ourselves in the future. Maybe next time we wake up in an unfamiliar place, it'll be next to something we can be proud of. Let's find out.
We're making okay decisions in the beginning. Jokinen tries on a nifty little wrister but Reimer is trying to make better decisions tonight as well. Ashton tries a wraparound but MAF has been pretty strict on his "water between every beer" rule right outta the gate. It pays off again when Bodie (ugh) tries a slapper from halfwall. Deeeee-nied.
When Paul Ranger goes into the box for interference you are kinda like eye roll but really guys are you going to finally do something with this or. But Tanger is determined to make his second night out more memorable than his first and puts together a tight play with Malkin, ending in a puck behind Reimer. Press dropped their iPhone in their jungle juice so no instagrams can be found to commemorate the moment.
Maybe tonight is different, you guys.
PLAYER THAT MAKES YOU FEEL ALL THE THINGS
Kris Letang is like the friend that you never know if you want to take out with you. Some nights he is the life of the party and covers the cab fare when you are too drunk to remember your pin number. Other nights he is the drunk bitch crying in the bathroom. Is it worth the role of the die?
Is he going to try out a big one-timer on Reimer? Yeah. Is he going to pass directly into traffic? You betcha. Are you going to find him at the end of the first period, covered in vomit and causing the turnover that evens it up?
Where is Scuds? No one knows. No one will tell us. Did he get a cab home? Did he smell something on the wind? Idk. We're keeping our ears to the ground.
MOMENT YOU STARTED SOBBING BECAUSE YOU WERE PRETTY SURE WE TURNED OUR LIVES AROUND FOR REAL THIS TIME
Kaderi tries to get one in but Maatta blocks in. Van Riemsdyk tries to pick up the trash, but it turns out that MAF is turning down jagerbombs left and right and makes a glove save that changes your life and reminds you that maybe there is a benevolent beardy man in the sky looking after you, lovingly.
PERSONA NON GRATA
Root and Clarkson show up to the bar in the same dress. Root starts spreading bitchy-but-super-true rumors about Clarkson getting away with a litany of penalties. There's a finger snap in there somewhere, and trust me, Bobby always locks the elbow.
PERIOD IT ALL WENT TO SHIT
As it often went in college, heading into an evening saying "This won't be like last night" is almost a prayer to the patron saint of finding your ID in the toilet and your iPhone screen shattered into a billion pieces.
Someone poured the Snake Juice. And we don't mean Cobra Scorpion Whiskey. It's just a mess. It's not that the Leafs look good, it's just that the Pens look so super out of it.
With everyone so drunk, Kadri is the first to cash in, navigating a poke check from MAF. We fall around for the rest of the period until Kessel makes it 3-1.
The empty net puts an unnecessary additional nail into coffin.
Earlier today I saw a buncha little kids put on a 20 minute rendition of Hamlet. They all showed a lot more attention to detail than we did for the whole of this hockey game. They get the award.
ALT THREE STARS
Reimer - Really earned it.
Tanger - We're confused, but sometimes it was good, so we'll blindly throw you one until we can sort it out.
The bartender - to get him over here faster i mean really
Well at least we're never losing again, ya know?
It's like if you drink enough and squint at the Pens app on your preferred smartphone OS and think "maybe we won this one"? *squint squint* maybe I can transpose the 4 and the 3? Maybe if you squint REALLY FUCKING HARD.
MOST DECEPTIVE OFFENSE
After quite a bit of back and forth, the Coward, Matt Moulson, he who thought the line brawl Pens-Isles game in 2011 was "entertaining" and "a great win" (no I'm never going to let that tweet go) manages to get one past Zatkoff after a good shift by his line. Scuds was powerless to stop this, so Orpik attacked Moulson as a parting gift.
oh honey that is just rough
and so the defense begins its secret mission, which is to look like they didn't know there was a test today and try to get excused to the nurse's office because of a "stomachache"
Still, we think there is hope, because after a failure of a PP a few minutes later Jussi taps home a rebound and this still has a chance to be regular.
Yeah. . .regular. Like a good bowel day in a personal care home.
Still, for now, the danger is not too deep. We can outscore these guys for sure.
The story of the game is that the Pens had 80 power plays and couldn't do anything with them. We saw the beginnings of this in the first period. We saw the monster. John Tavares probably thinks he is the monster now. Frans Nielsen is pure and good, we blame him for none of this. However, you'll note that the Isles literally were GOING AFTER FACES at the end of the first, got penalized for roughing. . .the Pens did nothing about it.
BY THE WAY, GOD CALLING, HOLD THE PHONES, CALL FROM GOD COMING THROUGH
The Pens didn't do anything on the power play, but Sid swooped in to make sure that we still had a chance to not look like fucking idiots. His shot is ridiculous. At the end of the world, we imagine there is Sidney Crosby, and Mount Doom. Other people, get in line. This pic is just some photographer remarking on Sid's beauty because as far as we can tell the press didn't photograph his goal.
MOST LIKELY TO TELL HER HE MISSES DAMIEN, ROBBY, AND THE BABY AND WANTS TO MOVE BACK IN WITH HIS BABYMAMA
Pens draw some more penalties but seem almost completely incapable of caring, as if paranormal forces are sucking their confidence and channeling it elsewhere in the city, like to some kid pumpin jams at the Sheetz parking lot and waiting for his ex-gf to show up for her evening Faygo.
Despite all of this the Pens exit the second period with a lead. Listen, it could be worse.
MOST FERVENT SEARCH FOR GOD AND ENLIGHTENMENT
We basically see Frans Nielsen as the bodhisattva of hockey. He's not achieving nirvana yet because everyone else isn't there, and he must wait.
While scoring baller goals in between. Nasty goal by him to tie the game. So it's 2-2.
MOST UNLIKELY TO
Deryk fucking Engelland at forward. Came like a bat out of hell into Nabby's kitchen and fooled him into giving up all the cookies.
Even if you told Zoë (she who actually owns an Engelland jersey) that the most important goal of the game for the Pens would be scored by Deryk Engelland she would have snorted into a beer.
so it's 3-2 with seven minutes left and all we have to do is play defense and hold this lead. Woo!
MOMENT YOU PUT YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS OUT TO PASTURE FOR THE NIGHT
Off a Niskanen turnover Bouchard buries it. Guy who looks kind of like K.C. from Degrassi there in the middle has a deep feeling.
Fun fact: I typically follow the game along with Seth Rorabaugh's liveblog at Empty Netters and refer back to my own notes and Seth's timestamps in order to finish a post. Rare moment of total confusion from Seth:
MOMENT YOU TOOK A SHOTGUN OUT TO YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS TO PUT THEM OUT OF THEIR MISERY BEFORE THE WINTER (except it's October so not really)
Letang makes a dumbassed play (slapper from the point when there isn't in fact a shot there?? ok) and the play goes the other way to lose the game for everyone.
Zatkoff played well but this guy is just not getting a break or giving himself any.
yeah we lost
Yours truly, because I had this fear that Letang coming back would make the defense suck and I know it's one game but my heart hurts
ONLY MAN WHO CAN SAVE US NOW
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Chris Kunitz - 9 shots
2. Nabokov - did what he had to do despite getting finally owned by Crosby in the regular season that one time
3. Maatta - this is your pity star for the fact that we're sorry that the season is really starting now and you're going to be facing a lot of new criticism and hardship and we're sorry they took Bort from you and we're sorry about Kris we'll try some positive talk therapy with the group and report back to you
as i sit here in my fuzzy bathrobe building a bunker
No offence to all the ballers that we love so much.
The Avs really aren't that great and on another night when Gigs wasn't standing on his head, we coulda done it. Especially with MAF holding up his end of the bargain down on the other end of the ice.
It was pretty much just goalie v. goalie and MAF unfortunately let up first in the second period.
We'd say more but really there's not much more to say. Everyone played okay. The Goalies did well. Giggy dominated.
We'll be back with awards next time.