Stormed last night in Pittsburgh and today we play the Bolts.
Root is just spazzing over the pun possibilities.
We're going to try to avoid it, but if they total 2 goals in the game...
There's going to have to be a striking twice joke.
So sorry in advance.
Let's get to the awards.
MOST POWERFUL OVERLORD
Sid shows up in a suit.
BEST RESULTS WITH LEAST EFFORT
I mean, we're not doing terribly. Just...you know. Sluggish. But then, amidst the slumbering men on skates, Dupes chips it to Morrow, who gets it towards the net. It goes through the paint and Jussi gets a foot on it, sending it into the net. Refs rule no distinct kicking motion.
Look at the happy fans behind Jussi...we were LOUD in Tampa tonight.
Then, Kennedy creates a nasty rebound for Dupes to scoop up and get into the back of the net. Suddenly it's 2-0. We don't look too good, but man do the Bolts look bad.
If the game ended now we could headline this PENS STRIKE LIGHTNING TWICE or LIGHTNING GETS STRUCK TWICE. Or something else less horrible.
Let's Go Pens! is drifting around the arena. It's a beautiful America for Pens fans.
Purcell thinks he's a real boy.
Before the end of the first moseys around, Tanger lands the kushiest pass ever on Iginla's stick. No one likes a soff attitude, but soff hands? They're a beautiful thing.Gloves stuffed with down? #conspiracy
Iginla doesn't disappoint and totally snipes it into the net.
You know that's right.
GREATEST OPPORTUNITY FOR PUNS YET
Connolly makes it easy:
LIGHTNING STRIKES TWICE, NOT ENOUGH
When horrible puns weren't happening, other less horrible people told the real story:
MOST HULKED OUT
Malkin is kind of back, which is awesome. We've missed him. We almost forget what insane animalistic shit he can get up to.
Malkin undresses everyone (and their mothers, but that's later) and sends it home.
Shortly after Kunitz gets into some faces while battling on the boards. Malkin gets into a shovey shovey match. Engo and Cooke step in to defend their leader. It's so bromancey up in here that it's insane.
WAY MORE THAN THE TIP
Jussi moved to get to shot that Murray took. At first the word "tip" was used, but Murray had just been getting it past some Bolts - he got it close enough to Jussi, who sent it the rest of the 10-or-so feet it needed to go.
(Oh, hai black mouth guard, how are you today? What's that? In my nightmares, you say?)
BEST CHERRY POPPING
Murray goes into a fight with Crombeem helmetless. His first fight for us! He gets a good number of fists in, totally ignoring Crombeen's helmet. Then he started getting in body shots and goes after Crombeen's hand - treats in a hockey fight. Wonderful, wonderful treats. And yes, I did just use Crombeen as many times as I could. That name.
We'll always remember your first <3
Letang spends some time ruining lives, Gudus gets kicked out because [footage missing.] It's a little on edge out there, and it gets scrappy. We're up on the power play when something really special happens.
Tanner gets his first special teams goal. Bobby actually says "good for Tanner Glass!" like he is a proud father. We all feel proud. It's just...
Brings a tear to your eye, ya know?
EASIEST TO IGNORE
The Bolts get one in in the dying stretch. Whatevs. Fuck 'em. They just wanted to ruin the puns.
MOST PRESENT MEDIA
Overhead cam was on point tonight.
Alt three stars:
1. Tanner. Gawww.
2. Tanger. Obvs.
3. Tyler. Because this game is brought to you by the letter T.
Maybe if the Pens keep winning the cicadas won't come back.
That's the only way it could get better, I think.
Stormed last night in Pittsburgh and today we play the Bolts.
We know it's Staals tonight but we won't be drinking. We have more than enough to deal with. Look at this sad sadness:
We could drown our sorrows in vodka but we also might die. Homemade french dip will probably alleviate the sorrow.
Everyone hates the Canes and think they are awful, apparently. Canes got an early PP after Engo fought some asshole. Eric Staal (drink if you're paying attention) goes to the box 30 seconds after Craigsy obviously slashed someone, probably because he forgot he was human.
Then Chris Kunitz gently touched Jeff Skinner and Skinner was felled like the tiniest flower. Errey with the diver accusations but in the most loving way possible.
But that doesn't stop the Canes 4 on 3 goal:
LEAST LIKELY TO
If you told us like five minutes ago that Bortuzzo was gonna go to the net for a tap-in, we would have gently chuckled at you the way we gently chuckle and are past the point of caring about the assholes who comment on the Pens Instagram. But he went to the net on Peters and Dupuis fed him a pass. Bye.
further inspection indicates that Bort may also be a velociraptor.
MOST PROBLEMS SOLVED
We were ready to start modifying our picnic guest list (Jeff Skinner no longer invited ever) and chalk the rest of the first up to ancient curses and a few too many Moon Pies, but Jokinen got a puck up to Brenden Morrow after a Canes turnover at the blueline. Morrow was basically one-on-one in the slot with some dickbag. Backhand-forehand and an absolutely nasty shot. He fell while he was scoring. Brooks got him the puck. His first as a Pen--it's moments like these we kind of live for.
2-1 feels pretty good right about now.
This guy's name is Bob Sanguinetti which sounds like a name from Harry Potter or True Blood.
Canes faceoff win. Just got it to the net. Uhhhhh.
Canes celebrate. We just feel icky.
next shift Douglas Murray almost scored and we had already named the triplets.
EACH STAAL BROTHER HAS AN ASSIST, Steiggy says. That's worth at least a shot or two. Rest of the period, there are flashes of something--like catching your heart in your throat when Malkin and Iginla are passing to each other--but nothing much. Feels like we've already been here for 8 years.
MOMENT EVERYTHING WAS BEDTIME STORIES
steiggy and errey started telling stories about Finnish people to deal with the uneventful moments that were the first 10 minutes of the second period. Two teams just trying to score but not super jammed up about it yet. Peters and Fleury both holding the fort. Pens get a PP but not much is going on. Jeff Skinner thinks his mother is a bit late bringing him his warm milk, throws a tantrum. . .or slashes someone. Would be interesting to see. . .something. Anything.
Morrow got us excited right before the penalty call by driving to the net like his life depended on it.
Jokinen and Malkin almost made Serious Magic at the tail end of the PP but nothing was going on. Skinner out of the box almost gets a break. Errey says the Canes fans have awakened from their naps and realized that Brooks Orpik exists still. Cue Erik Cole reference.
Jordan has played more minutes in this game than his brother Eric to start the third. Imagine that.
Pens got into some trouble behind their own net. Who the hell is Riley Nash? all alone in front.
MOMENT YOU WOKE UP
Pens grinders have something going. Beau Bennett is out there making magic with Craigsy and Tanner. Beau went to the net. Nifty backhander. Rebound goes off of some Cane though we had some fleeting hope that Tanner Glass got his butt on it. Nothing doing with that dream. But BeauBeau hasn't lost a step.
Next shift Malkin and Iginla come out. They went to the net. Malkin would have done anything to get to that puck. Pretty much anything. He ended up wildly poking it in while one-handing his stick.
All of a sudden it is 4-3. Gene has completed his spirit quest.
bitches we still here.
blah blah Canes pull Peters and the Pens defend the net like champs.
Dupes gets the empty net.
We don't understand this game but we'll damn well try. We think we just had to find the monster within. Eric Staal remembers. It's a young monster now. But we'll watch it grow.
PENS WIN 5-3 BYE
YOU KNOW WHO WE ALWAYS FORGET ABOUT
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Mark Eaton. Our favorite American soldier. +3
2. Brooksie. Seems to be back to his old self a little tiny bit and was a +4 this evening.
4. Admiral Adams, because when Admiral Adams has had a multi-point game, it is a very special and hallowed night indeed.
Go make your babies.
So we've been doing this tumblr thing for a couple games now. WAIT NO, SERIOUSLY, TWO GAMES. It has been rightly mentioned that there may be a curse. This is number three. Should we lose this game, I promise we'll burn it all down. (Hints and tricks - if you are reading this intro, we probably won.)
Let's hope it doesn't come to that.
MOST FURIOUS FISTS
Halfway though the first, Engo is as bored as we are.
Sure the game is looking good, sans the moments when we for some reason cram all three forwards into a corner (not acceptable, jags) but it's certainly not everything we dreamed it would be and more.
So Engo fixes it by putting his fists onto the face of Ryane Clowe. It's pretty great to see, especially when we get to watch it again in slow motion. Hell yeah.
Later, for your pleasure, Clowe undresses in the penalty box. It's confusing and weird but sort of okay if you squint and pretend he's still a Shark.
Nothing else really happens.
Well, there's a penalty that we all think was called and get angry about, but it turns out it wasn't real.
And there are some okay scoring chances.
And the Rags are waiting for our turnovers on neutral ice like sharks swarming for chum, which is a little scary because we're like, really good at turnovers if you catch us on the wrong day.
Overall, actually, it's pretty excellent hockey to watch, but we won't be talking about it next week.
MOST DEAD FROM OXYGEN DEPRIVATION
The second period politely introduces itself to us by letting Sutter get his hand messed up on a faceoff. GTFO, second period. Suttsy goes off the ice in some obvious pain and eventually hits the runway. We all hold our breath.
He comes back pretty quickly, but you didn't survive that unless you are some trained deep-water diver or something.
Go home, creepy black mouth guard. You are not with the band.
MOST EXCELLENT FAILURES
Th play on the ice is fast and exciting and pretty wonderful. Some of our guys come up HUGE but don't come out of it with anything. Malkin and Iginla get absolutely wild in front of the net and it's some weird anti-miracle that it doesn't go in the net.
Later, Dupes, fanciest skater alive, makes some cool stuff happen. It all looks so GOOD but we just can't finish. PLEASE, GOD, LET US FINISH.
Well. Third period team?
MOST FORTUNATE APPEARANCE
OH HEY THERE BLACK MOUTHGUARD YOU BE LOOKIN' FLY TONIGHT HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU HOW GREAT YOU ARE?
Jussi does it. It's too pretty for us to admit. And too pretty for press to present to you in a timely way.
If there's any way to break down our icy exteriors, it's to get one on the board for the Pens.
MOMENT EVERYONE IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD LEARNED THAT MAF IS A MAGICAL CREATURE SENT FROM ABOVE
MAF is coming up all aces in general, so when a D tie-up results in a wide open MAF and Stepan right in front of him with the puck. Due to witchcraft and witchcraft alone, the flower pulls of some shit like bards used to talk about.
Whaaaaat?! Your screams alert everyone in the surrounding area that Greatness just went down.
MOST IN NEED OF A HUG
Neal gave us a brief scare early in the third when he took a hit to the midsection and had the wind knocked out of him. Halfway through the third, though, Del Zotto catches him on the chin and knocks the sense out of him. You can actually see Neal ask what happened, as he sits on the ice, looking confused. There's some blood in his mouth, and we're all really just hoping it looks worse than it is. He heads to the runway, looking dazed.
It all kinda starts to fall apart when Murray really just takes it to Boyle, cutting it close to being a late hit. And it's an EPIC hit. Then we get a PP that is of at least mildly questionable validity (although, fuck them, they slashed and hacked their way through the first few seconds.) MAF grabbed Clowe's stick after the shoved around, and it ends in MATT COOKE GOING INSANE TO THE ENTIRE RAGS BENCH. He just stands there and bitches out fattie for a whole minute.
It's weird. And awesome.
MOST CONFLICTING EMOTIONS
First, this happens.
And the call goes upstairs, and we all know it's no goal, and the call is amazing and all hail MAF.
While still hailing MAF, the Rags somehow get it behind him in the blink of an eye off of the faceoff. Obviously no one is blaming MAF too much for it, especially because the play should have been dead (have we mentioned that the refs are dogshit tonight?) thanks to Sutter playing it with his hand, but still, it's depressing.
But then! This:
What is a human with limited emotional range to do? THERE ARE TOO MANY FEELINGS.
The game heads into overtime, everyone reeling.
(Sorry for the horrible screencapping - MAF is too on fire tonight and the press is too spotty. Spending a game with your finger on "print screen" is a fun experience, btw. Try it some time.)
NEWEST SHIT LIST MEMBER
Del Zotto, you're going in the books.
First you clip Neal.
Then you act like a fool to Malkin in OT?
Welcome to a prestigious list of people we want dead.
So, MAF just barely covered a Rags win.
And then OT is over. You guys, I didn't even finish my OT drink and now I need to start a SO drink?
We have not done many SOs this season, and our lineup is BARE. Crosby? Nope. Tanger? Nope. Neal? Nope.
But, oh, dat Jussi.
THANK YOU BLACK MOUTH GUARD. Totes nails it on his signature move.
MAF shuts erryone else down (hah, fattie) and sends us home with the win, securing our fate on Tumblr.
Said we'd win. Why? Jussi. Guess who knows his shit?
ALT THREE STARS
James Neal - trooper
Dupes - dem legs
MAF - no subtext needed.
So hey! No curse!
Never losing again!
Get some sleep. Come playoff time you won't be able to.
We're starting a new month, bitches. Against the Sabres, of all people. Ew.
And the coaching staff has scratched Joe Vitale without our permission.
OTHER THINGS THAT ARE UNACCEPTABLE: Jaromir Jagr traded to the Bruins. Can't wait to be at that game and fuck some people up.
More acceptable things: Brooksie has played 622 games, the most of any Penguins defenseman of all time. Hot damn excuse us.
NEW FAVORITE SITCOM
It's called Gene and Jarome Take the Hill and it's Evgeni's first shift with Iginla this game which is basically flawless.
Unfortunately we also have to deal with Tyler's Ponies: Las Vegas in the next time slot. But Iginla wants Ryan Miller as a Very Special Guest Star on the serious episode where someone loses their virginity or runs away from boarding school to get married like Jo on The Facts of Life.
And Malkin almost fed Engelland on some kind of Jesus play. It's going to be a good night on television.
The Sabres take a penalty but it's only because they love us.
And another for good measure. Guess Morrow must have bled on the Weber bullshit because it's four minutes. LEAST LOVE
Jarome Iginla's stick breaks on the point on the extended PP. Someone whose name we don't know breaks Koun's shutout streak immediately afterwards, Niskanen obtains possession and just gives a blind drop pass right to the Sabre stranger bitch. His name might be Porter. We know for sure he has never before scored in the NHL. SHIT.
Shorthanded stranger bitch goal no less.
But we'll get love back. we hope.
Ryan Miller looks catlike in his concentration. This could be the longest night. TK is our first line center, guys.
MOMENT YOU WERE DELIVERED FROM EVIL BY THE GODS OF CANADA
Power play time is winding down. Penguins playing catch and battling hard behind the net. Malkin to Kunitz to a nice little fake to. . .cross crease to Jarome. Miller isn't looking so hot anymore, because he just got schooled by Chris Kunitz (of all people IKR) and Iggy has a wide open net. hahahahah oh man we are so cocky everyone hates us can you feel the hate
MOMENT THE GODS OF CANADA SENT YOU A FLAMING BAG OF SHIT
steve ott scored
No further comment.
In the words of Kim: "we can always kill ourselves."
Accurate. Period ends, 2-1.
BEST MOMENT FOR CRACKING AN EXTRA BEER
Early second period Cody Hodgson schools Vokoun on a wraparound. oh okay sure thing cody you do that. Then Porter forces us to know his name, Voldemort style.
It's 4-1, and an injured warrior saddles up.
MAF's first action since getting messed up by TK/Gionta. Comes out early to challenge a shot.
Engo took a penalty. Killed-ish. Except then we just took another penalty (imagine that). But MAF is all over everyone's balls.
Just when you thought you were out of the woods, the Pens took another penalty. So we're fucked is what we're saying.
It would be nice to get a goal before the horn but Douglas Murray is leading a rush with like 30 seconds left, so. Yeah no.
Speaking of Murry the Pens apparently have 3 shots in the second period. Um.
SHORTEST STAY IN PURGATORY
James takes a retaliatory interference penalty to start the third. Killed by the grace of MAF. But. . .what's this after the TV timeout? Another penalty?
Really not sure what we're supposed to think at this point except fall on the ground and prostrate ourselves towards the Sun in thanks that MAF is well enough to do this right now.
Pens did get a PP but it's a mess.
Story of the game is Porter almost getting a hattie. Trying not to curse himself.
Nothing else to say. We were never gonna have that one back. Fifteen, ladies and gents. Adieu.
Pens lose 4-1
INDIVIDUAL AWARDS NEVER SAW IT COMING
Bobby and Steiggy. Thought they were going to see a much different moment tonight, you can tell. They're homers but they can be beautiful homers (mostly referring to Bobby here). They unfortunately had to witness the moment that the glass slipper shattered.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Iggy because duh. This is a Penguins blog. We were so happy to see him score.
2. The inevitable shitstorm that is going to happen when I start tagging these posts. PLEASE BE KIND, PSEUDO-REDDIT AKA TUMBLR BITCHES WE'RE ANCIENT AND DON'T UNDERSTAND THE INTERNET. think of us like your grandma
3. nathan gerbe
Cooke let him live.
does our inaugural tumblr post please you
well, kind of our inagural Tumblr post. We're sorry we don't know what has just happened.
Welcome to the Recap Lite (tm).
As said earlier, we're kinda busy today. But of course, we're both tuned in. Who misses hockey?
Probably only terrorists.
From lounging poolside sipping margaritas to preparing for the Seder like a boss, priority #1 never changes.
So, just in case life got in the way and you missed a few moments, here are the big deets:
Brooks and Sid had a friendly fire incident.
A mean slapper ended up landing the puck in Sid's magnificent face.
We hear that the universal gasp that resulted actually had some strange impact on global warming. Depending on what scientists you talk to, we either saved or killed a whole lotta polar bears.
The first period was pretty good, otherwise, in a rough and tumble kinda way.
Isles outshot us, which is a bummer, but doesn't matter if no one got it in the net.
Which, by they way, no one did
Zoe, that bitch, took the intermission as a chance to jump in the lazy river.
Do you see me hatin'? Because I am.
The second period was all about back and forth penalties. It got a little rough in the last few minutes when Kunitz landed a good check on Bailey, who careened into the boards. Kunit got slapped with a major and a misconduct, which is insane. But mostly we're happy that Bailey got up and skated off, looking like he wouldn't die (potential neck injuries TERRIFY US.)
Matt Cooke is INSANE on the PK. Like, truly insane.
Like, tying up the puck behind the Isles net insane.
Orpik tripped Okposo with 1:55 left on the 5 from Kunitz.
Vokoun is just fucking unreal.
Luckily the 5 on 3 is snakebit by the intermission.
The third period was grueling.
So much action. So many feelings.
SO MANY FEELINGS.
Cooke gets it in the back of the net at long last, and it is excellent.
P.S. Vokoun is a MONSTER.
An absolute MONSTER.
Iggy looks great, if you wondered.
Malkin at one point hit Moulson so hard that he broke his stick.
THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR LOOKING AT YOUR SHOES LIKE SOME KINDA HIGH SCHOOL FRESHMAN.
Seriously, what are these guys, hourly?
And then, this happens, and it is the most wonderful thing on earth:
Neal goes to the bench, thanks Geno, and says "I love this."
It's really, really epic.
The clock runs up, and suddenly we're at 15.
The teams between us and the record are garbage, but let's not count our eggs just yet.
Sit back, relax, and enjoy.
Happy Easter, Passover, and Weekend
So PH staff is out in the world. Kim is at Passover or some shit and Zoë is at an indoor water park. We didn't expect to have to give a shit about a midday Islanders game but it looks like the Pens are playing Iginla soooooo. Will you bear with us while we try to pull our lives together? We'll talk to you more about this later. uhhhhhhh
So yeah, the Pens went all in, while you slept, in the wee hours of the morning. Iginla's goal totals are enough to get you wet while looking at Wikipedia.
Quick notes: Malkin's back tonight with Atlantapeg in Pittsburgh, Fleury is injured still (sources seemed to hint "neck strain"--he was well enough to be at morning skate) so we called up Jeff Zatkoff aka the dude who is carrying the load in WBS aka demi-Curry, Tang is out with a broken toe idk.
No need to rush Fleury back at this point--if Vokoun holds steady and Zatkoff is ready for the show we'll be fine for a few games if need be.
Iginla is Canadian and from personal experience we know that Americans don't want Canadians coming in and doing their subtle Canadian shit in God's Country (hahagsdjt0wehyjglmvlsd) so apparently he is going to have a prob getting to Pittsburgh. Can't wait.
Douglas Murray and Brenden Morrow are in the mix, though.
We do have our skepticism. We hate when people act like the Pens are going to win the Cup automatically. People who say this about any hockey team should probably have to go to some kind of special boot camp.
Also, shaking lineups up on a win streak is a bizarre risky move. But it's a huge statement. Bylsma and Shero proved beyond a reasonable doubt in 2011 that they can coach and GM a skeleton crew of AHLers and goons into the playoffs, but the playoffs are a different dance. The Pens are going hard to prove that first round exits are unacceptable--they're going hard to prove, basically, that they will not be the shell of a thing that the Washington Capitals have become. Regular season success is meaningless.
Anyway, Winnipeg is leading their division. How, what, excuse us? Time to light the lanterns along the darkened path to heaven.
WORST EX-BOYFRIENDS FIGHTING YOUR NEW BOYFRIENDS AT THE ROADHOUSE
Eric Tangradi takes a shift and is a stain.
Al Montoya. We remember when you were a Coyote. Why aren't you still again?
Douglas Murray gets his first shot on net as a Penguin.
Pens with giveaways for days to start the game. Jets everywhere. We get the first "stick of Toby Enstrom" of the night but unfortunately it is not described as long.
Murray is getting shots towards the net like a regular fuckin Matt Niskanen. Ummmm yeahhh. Big and slow and slapshot and bye. We'll take a cup of that.
THINGS WE ONLY LEARNED BECAUSE OF REPETITION (NOT)
Steiggy seemingly obsessed with reminding everyone of how fat Byfuglien is.
Maybe the length of Enstrom's stick has lost its lustre.
This game is full of things to say and stories but not a lot of game-changers. Except Vokoun and Montoya, of course.
Other things that are self-evident:
Sid, Malkin, and Kunitz is a nasty forward combination.
Sid and Geno bedazzle the ice with their presence. Jets forwards looking at them down low. Kunitz is on the wall though and comes a bit closer. Sid gives him a completely blind pass behind his back. Kunitz's release is the exact opposite of Murray's skating. Swift. Sleek. Blink-and-you-missed-it. off the pipe and in.
Kunitz has 20 goals. how is this even
Jokinen can already tell it's going to be a long night.
TERROR 2013: THE MOVIE
Dupuis rings one off the pipe and everyone freaks out.
Next shift Malkin's line is swarming.
Goes in off of Gene's skate. A little bit of a combination of garbage and redirect. Malkin just drove the net. Not a kicking motion. Gene looks worried though.
but it's good:
he pointedly slow dances with Niskanen before the goal is made official.
Neal made the pass. They're slowly waking up like the monsters of yesteryear. Eric Staal, on the bench in Carolina, loses the wind out of his lungs. He's seen this before.
Period ends quite suddenly. Kunitz uses the phrase "little holler" in his intermission interview. This is why we love him. One of the reasons.
BIGGEST CIRCUS TENT
Errey has started referring to stick tape in the "candystripe configuration" which sounds way more technical than it actually is.
blah blah blah. Kunitz using the wall to get the puck out of the zone after the Jets flop around a bit. Sid down the wing. To Dupuis. Complete fucking aerial pass. Montoya totally destroyed on that play. Dupuis with the snipejob.
the high pitched wailing you did would wake the dead
Errey literally whips out the phrase "they're Montoying with them."
Lay off All Montoya. He's trying.
(We maintain a soft spot for all ex-Coyotes.)
Any second now elephants are going to walk onto the ice and someone will start eating knives.
Pens are just puck possession. Just completely surgical. Sid's line has a shift that could be prescribed to expectant mothers. Then Gene's line comes on. How. How.
We really don't know how this is our team but the history of the Pens over the last 25 years or so feels like some kind of bizarre fairy tale. Lemieux gets drafted and all of this comes from that moment. No I swear I'm not drunk.
As we're ruminating this Craigsy takes a tripping penalty because he skated through Burmistrov who was doing nothing. Fine. Killed. Brooks Orpik led a shorthanded rush. It's that kind of game.
Malkin has a shift like the one Sid's line had with Morrow and Neal. They're getting close. Morrow has opened a Shake Shack in Montoya's crease. Beautiful to watch.
MOMENT YOU ENTERED TRANSCENDENTAL SPACE
Slowly floating above the clouds.
Sid is there. We all are there. Pens ice the puck and use their timeout. The silence is golden.
Pens somehow take another penalty. Killing it like usual.
Then Dupuis catches up to a puck before a Jets defenseman. Fastest man in the world. Snipejob. Tanner Glass was wide open and Dupuis feels bad that he didn't pass.
But not that bad:
great look at the shortie:
PERIOD THAT MADE YOU CHECK YOUR VITAL SIGNS
Pens start the third by taking two penalties. Nisky and Orpik no less.
Unlimited 5 on 3. Blocked shots. Paul Martin and Matt Cooke in the trenches. No one can hit the net. Vokoun in everyone's mouth. Niskanen and Brooks can come back. And that's that. How exactly you do a kill like that is an unknown factor. So much of it is mental. Only so much you can do. Two shifts later and Dupuis making a serious bid for his third goal.
Doesn't happen. Chris Thorburn's name mentioned for the first time all night. Doesn't last long.
God we just feel like assholes talking about how amazing the Pens are and not even trying to drown you in metaphors. It's just too easy right now. The Jets are bad apparently.
Murray gets yet another shot on net?
Montoya isn't horrible. Sorry we have to do this to you bro.
A beautiful smear to the ice by Murray on Burmistrov.
Vokoun stones Kyle Wellwood on a breakaway.
Seven and a half minutes.
Morrow wants the puck so bad. So motivated. Six minutes.
MOMENT YOU LAUGHED COLDLY LIKE VOLDEMORT
Eric Tangradi somehow got behind Eaton and got a break. He fired it wide because he is terrible.
That is all.
Dupuis hit the post. Irrelevant now. Looks like we won or something. uhhhhh
14 straight (gsitgjsmdfgbw08stuifkdl)
Tomas Vokoun's 50th career shutout.
just really nothing to say. Whole game was domination.
HUGEST SWAGGER AND ALSO BALLS AND ALSO SOUL AND ALSO LOVE
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
I almost typed that in lowercase out of laziness before remembering that lowercasing is wrong.
1. Sid. 6 shots, 2 assists, running away with the Art Ross right now.
2. probably Douglas Murray's skull
3. Evander Kane, a -4 on the proceedings
don't want to get too high with this. The Jets didn't look committed. They put on some good defense but ultimately Montoya was their last line and he couldn't do it all. 20 shots to 43. jesus
next game is on Saturday versus the Isles. We will hopefully be joining you from inside a large margarita and/or Jewish seder wine.
go pens. fushdfsjaiogjdfoino comments
No idea what to think, Pens get Jarome Iginla for this year's first round pick and some college prospects.
Iginla still has monster status in many hearts.
Iginla dictated this trade because Boston's offer was much, much better from the Flames' POV. He had no-trade, no-movement clauses to waive. He saw what the Pens were doing and wanted in on it. End of story.
No idea what this means for the Pens.
Means that they're going hard for the Cup.
Someone might die. Lineup gets stranger and stranger.
go Pensno comments
Adding to this streak would really just be like, icing on the life cake right about now.
It's been a long winter, but really, this streak has us breezin' through it.
If you're thinking about the "but what about when..." shut up.
Never think those thoughts again.
I might be fevered, so stick with me through this.
BEST HIGH SCHOOL CAFETERIA FIGHT
Tyler Kennedy, who is on a redemption rampage, goes AFTER Dumont for being a wang.
He has that sort of determination that you only see in a nerd fight in high school.
That came from some deep-down scary place.
The pony farm is fighting back against foreclosure, ya'all.
If you tuned in at the wrong moment, you may accidentally think that MAF is carrying the team on his back.
Luckily, it's just spotty.
Our D's not totally horrible and MAF is picking up all dat slack.
Mark Eaton, just when you were starting to forget about him, throws himself in the line of fire for God and Country.
Definitely finding his footing on Penguins ice once more.
The rest of the period slips buy unnoticed.
MOST SQUANDERED TWO MINUTES
We go on the PP early in the second and do a really horrible job of making it happen, starting with a pass to Neal that somehow made it to MAF first. How does that make sense.
KTang got close with one he sailed over the net but unfortunately this ain't horseshoes.
MOST MIND NUMBING
First, Mark Eaton gets a delay of game for bleeding when pricked with a pin.
You are wondering wt-serious-f the refs are thinking, because it certainly is more along the lines of "I wonder if Val Kilmer will ever lose the weight" than "hey I should do my job and watch this game in some sort of critical fashion."
Luckily you don't have to sob about it too long, because you have to start chanting for a certain exotic flower.
Markov fired a nasty shot from the side, that would have gone into the net if MAF weren't a soothsayer.
But he is, so, you know.
We run down the PK with no further incident.
MOST APPROPRIATE TIME TO QUOTE LIZ LEMON
WHAT THE MOTHER EFFIN WHAT?!
So, you know Sidney Crosby.
He does one of those Sid (tm) things.
And you can just feel the hearts of Habs fans breaking. Not because they are losing. Plenty of time left, so we can't say that. Not because we scored first. That's fixable.
But because they had to watch Sid do that while knowing, deep down, that they could never have him.
They will never have Sidney.
It must be terrible to know that.
Oh, P.S. MAF followed up Sid's goal with a sexy little number that dramatically kept the score in out favor.
MTL was two inches either way from a pretty amazing answer.
MOST TEARS SHED
Craigsy gets set off the ice because he got an eye full o' puck.
BE OKAY, CRAIGSY.
MOST ADVERSE TO GOOD WILL
Just when TK is starting to generate some good will for himself, he accidentally trips right into MAF's sacred, important, and beautiful head.
MAF spends some time making us sweat it. He looks kinda bad for a bit there.
Like a champ, he shakes it, and finishes up the 2nd.
Hopefully his head is still good for standing on in the third.
MOST DASHED HOPE
Drink lots of juiceboxes in the locker room, MAF.
Get well immediately.
MOST CONSECUTIVE NON-EVENTS
Mattie gets in the bin for roughing, which happened, and was hilarious and wonderful.
We kill it no prob.
Then we get our turn up.
They kill it with littleish problem.
Some people could have scored, but didn't!
Dupes did get notably close, though.
BIGGEST SKATES FILLED
Vokoun really had his job cut out for him.
And oh man did he jump through that cutout Japanese game show style.
We finished up the baker's doze, ya'all.
That's the flu virus.
And he gets an award for stepping and telling all of you that' if I don't go to bed right now, many innocent lives will be changed forever.
Lucky number 14, plz?
PH Staff digs the Douglas Murray trade because:
1. picks are whatever. If we end up needing them we have plenty of assets with which to get them back. But somehow I don't think it's gonna come to that.
2. Does everyone realize what "win now" means? Shero is trying to fill roster holes by inserting grit. Morrow is a combo of grit, skill, and veteran presence. Shero made the trade for morrow on the supposition that good linemates will awaken his skill and drive. Also, being wanted in Pittsburgh to fulfill a role means a lot. A lot that he wasn't getting in Dallas. As for our good friend Crankshaft, he hasn't played well in about two years and that's because SAN JOSE IS A FUCKING MESS. But his body is huge and he will brutalize people.
Also his perfect head.
god he is so good
Not what you think of when you think Swedish defenseman but we'll bite.
come to us boo
we don't really care if you can skate super well but please wreck somebody on your way to the corner thx
non-Pens fans trolling that the Pens got a 33-year-old and 37-year-old at the expense of future draft picks and a prospect. What, because we didn't do well enough getting idk Crosby, Malkin, Jordan Staal, Kris Letang, MAF, Beau Bennett, Simon Despres? are we supposed to cry about the fact that two of our recent draft picks have been huge factors this season and that WE HAVE ALREADY BEEN THROUGH A REBUILDING STAGE THAT WON US THE FUCKING STANLEY CUP? are we supposed to be like nooooo that's our future there in the second round and we'll never compete for a Cup again or what?
Murray and Morrow have huge chances to re-make their careers in Pittsburgh and we've seen it happen before. And recently.
Bill Guerin. Matt Niskanen.
remember the Hal Gill trade? jesus
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