Montréal is one of those lands we will have to visit in an academic capacity one of these days to do cultural research on things like unreal shirts, bad jeans, being French Canadian, and using our tears and xenophobia to affect Habs games. It would be a fully academic study.
Oh also, delaying games to be more Canadian. It's a problem. No game takes as long to start as a Habs game.
FRENCHEST AND GOALIEST
MAF is definitely the more French goalie. He and Price both get to make early saves. We have CBC/HNIC with us tonight and it's kind of refreshing honestly. Nice to improve our relationship with them before the Olympics when we hate Canada again.
Habs knock Sid's helmet off so we get a glorious look at his mustache and his hair. It's borderline scandalous, to be honest. Equally scandalous is the movement on the ensuing power play. Good fucking lord. Price is trying to stand tall.
Habs take another penalty and a hole is torn in space by their gut-rending screams. During the power play for the Penguins the Habs get a 2 on 1 and Fleury flashes the glove.
After that, things get hairy. The Habs fans continue to scream into the endless void after every clean hit. It is starting to feel like Doom in the room. Maatta makes some unreal pass to D'Agostini in the slot and it's pretty much the coolest thing to happen all night. That's where we're at.
Price is actually going toe to toe with Crosby and holding the fort. Never thought we'd see the day.
Final minute a puck rests on the goal line behind MAF but it doesn't go in.
To start the second, CBC whips out the Thin Lizzy "Boys are Back in Town" which betrays a kind of joyous affection for Pens-Habs games. We feel the same way, save for The Playoff Series, which has been blacked out of our memories with an emotional felt pen.
FIRST BIG MISTAKE OF MAATTA'S CAREER
Maatta passed up the middle of the ice and it was intercepted as hell by Pacioretty. Long shot. Off the pipe and in behind MAF. That's pretty typical.
Price stands tall afterwards. It didn't take Habs fans long to start chanting Fleurrryyyyyyyyyyy. The pre-emptive goalie chant is such a fucking Eastern Canadian teams thing we just can't.
Crosby and Subban aggressively hug each other at one point. Like really really aggressive hugging. They must be trying to process the Maatta turnover with mutual friction.
MOST LIKELY TO BE ARRESTED FOR EXCESSIVE SWAGGER
Niskanen got a little too excited while owning Gionta and went to the box. Pens killed it. If they hadn't, someone might have died in the building. Looks like they might anyway though. Subban gets away with interference on Malkin at one point and in general all of the touching is getting more aggressive. Danny Briere gets high sticked and that's another penalty. Ugh. And just when you think that's killed, Gibbons takes one, too, during a front-of-net scrum. The whole time the Habs are on the PP the crowd in the Bell Centre is blowing its load all over themselves, drowning children left and right.
We are all in the bin for swagger violations. Habs take a timeout for the second PP. Because why not? MAF is all over all of the Habs' shots. Alas, we'll need more than that.
MOST LIKE A SEQUENCE FROM THE PAPERS OF T. E. LAWRENCE
Pens suck a bit in their own zone, Habs score again.
Well. Faceoff at center ice shows a red-faced Crosby jawing at Plekanec.
Oh so then some turnover
oh please hit us harder
Captain Gionta gets a little rowdy and the Pens get yet another PP. Except this time they actually score. Neal's ridiculous shot really can be a game changer.
or it could be if we ever got our shit together, which we won't.
MOMENT IT GOT DOWN TO UNDER FIVE MINUTES AND YOU DECIDED WE WERE FUCKED
THE MOST HORRIBLE THING THAT EVER HAPPENED BUT ALSO WAS GOOD
Gene took over the game and went end to end to set up Neal, who gets his second. The moves were beautiful. Gene then crashed into the boads and died and did the thing he always does where he takes FOREVER to get up, Chris Stewart even comes out to check on him.
But it's also a goal
Pens pressure after that.
TRIP HEARD ROUND THE WORLD
Pens manage to enter the zone and then Neal, reaching desperately for the puck, manages to trip someone with 11 seconds left and that's the game.
Yep, that's it. Every moment that affected it involved James Neal somehow. Make of that what you will. If Gene is hurt we'll be on the next flight to Mars.
GO TO HELL
Brendan Gallagher going all Smeagol
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. James Neal - guy had two goals and Bell Centre didn't even give him a pity third star. Vintage Montréal.
2. Gene - may your tailbone be safe
3. Michael Bournival - skated 6 something minutes for the Habs and was a -1 or something we're sorry
tagging this post with "habs suck" because we are immature children
tweet form Josh Yohe: "Losing to Montreal clearly bothers the Penguins more than losing to any other team, including Philadelphia. Not a lot of love there."
still remember smoking cigarettes on the lawn at Mellon Arena in Game 7 of the Habs series and crying. I don't even smoke.