Ahhhhhhhh the Jets.
Something has to make us care about these games. Luckily the universe knows that and tries to make it easier for us.
An 8-5 game on a Saturday afternoon?
Thank you, oh generous Hockey Gods.
It doesn't even matter if we rock out all night and wake up at noon tomorrow.
And so we shall.

WORST PARTY PLANNER

The Pens geared up for this game by eating low-cal multigrain tortilla chips with an organic corn salsa and playing Guitar Hero (Rocks the 80s edition, of course.) They were pumped up, not to mention the most wholesome nerdz on the block for the afternoon.

The Jets, however, were choosing to go the other direction. We don't judge them - the Pens have had pre-game preparations that involved moonshine, peace pipes, and some of the healthest call girls this side of the Allegheny. Sometimes it's worked, sometimes it's backfired, but almost every time it was, in Jordan Staal's misguided attempt at using a 'retro' cultural descriptor, "tubular." 
But then again, we're good at pretty much everything we put our minds to. 
We're not saying the Jets are bad at EVERYTHING...
Bryan Little, however, was put in charge of booze.
Miettinen was on drug duty.
Mister Andrew forgot to put someone on call girl duty in his momentary haze of trying to figure out if prostitutes would like his hat-backwards or hat-forwards look.
Come on. A Finn on drug duty?
Google imagine "Finnish people on drugs." Some of the first results are Jesus, a family of penguins, and a Super Mario Brothers Nintendo cartridge.
God.

Where it went wrong was when Miettinen showed up in the locker room and asked Bryan Little what was going on with the booze situation.
"Dude, two words - Jello Shots"
"Awesome! Where are they?"
"I just put them in the fridge!"
"...you know those take like, two hours to set, right?"
"Awwwww shit."
Kyle Wellwood shows up. He looks around. Sees no alcohol. Sees Miettinen with twelve bottles of asprin and a cigarette. Throws a chair. This isn't going to go well.

ANGRIEST SOBER MAN IN THE ROOM
Kyle storms out onto the ice. It's bad enough that he was in Pittsburgh - everyone knows being in the city proper of Pittsburgh is depressing when you can't actually live there. Bad enough that people still think people wearing Jets gear are being "nostalgic." But then his teammates go and ruin any hope of having a great pregame? At least bring Guitar Hero and some multigrain chips, guys.
Before he can stew in his own anger any longer, he runs into a puck Tobias last touched.
His only thought as it hits his blade and redirects past MAF is "Goddamn it, if I were drunk by now I'd be laughing about the fact that his name is Tobias." 

"Tobias...Fünke...GOD IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY RIGHT NOW."
 
THE FASTEST SPREADING DISCONTENTMENT
 Alex Burmistrov thinks he can make things better for his team. The guys on the bench are kind of sad. They were expecting bitches, hoes, making it rain, all of those fun things. Kyle Wellwood is crying. The score is 1-0 and somehow everyone looks like their little sister beat them at Kings. Unmanned. 
So he starts looking for help, someone who can get the mood back up. Maybe not every Saturday game needs a pregame plan. Maybe they can just show up, warm up, and have an awesome game. It's possible!
Right?
....right?
No one has made themselves available for him, so he decides to do it himself. He can be the hero. He can do this.
He shoots and....
Cal O'Reilly is there. Puck deflects.
Cal is stunned.
MAF is stunned.
So are we.
Alex is just as depressed as everyone else, now. 
Nothing feels right anymore.
 
"Just keep smiling....just keep smiling..."
 
THE MOMENT YOU REMEMBERED WHAT GOALS REALLY LOOK LIKE 
Tanger: "Haaaaay there Staalsy!"
Staal: "Hey Kris."
Tanger: "You still sore about Police Truck? Come on man, I practiced before coming."
Staal: "Haha, yeah, I knowww. I'm not mad. I could never be mad at you."
Tanger: "Glad we're in The Best Friend's Gang. You want this puck?"
Staal: "Yeah, I know! And sure, I'll take it. I see Jeffery up there, I think he could us it. Thanks buddy!"
Tanger: "No problem, man!"
Jeffery: "Hey, what's up Staalsy? How's Kris?"
Staal: "Oh, he's good, still making fun of me for Police Truck."
Jeffery: "Aww, he's just kidding! Can I get that puck? I see a place right there behind Pavelec where I can put it."
Staal: "Right there? Man, that's gonna be sick! Here ya go!"
Jeffery: "Thanks, friend!"

"Really, I couldn't have done it without my friends."

Shortly after, Malkin and Neal are laughing loudly over a salsa stain on on Neal's jersey.
They try to consider if they want to stop by a bar after the game or if they should just bring the party back to one of their houses. 
They know they're one down right now, but that's just because they've been having so much fun.
Oh, hell, they might as well just tie it up right now.

"Ahhh, really, life couldn't be any better than this. Could it? I can't imagine.
Look at my teeth. I am so happy."

Everyone heads into the home locker room giggling and humming 80s tunes.
The visitor side is bleak.

GREATEST ASSIST
The Pens come out laughing some more. We're not privy to all information, but allegedly there was some intermission shredding to the tunes of "What I Like About You." 
Geno and Kunitz had discussed something during the break - while everyone was having SUCH A GOOD TIME, they knew Flower had to stand by himself for large portions of the game. They didn't want him to feel left out, so they organized a little early Valentines Day surprise for him, like friends do.

"Awww, man, I think you got Flower the assist!! Come give me a big ol friend hug, buddy, that was the best."

Maf giggles. Tells his left post "Those are my friends down there." Tells the right one, "They did that for me", his chest swollen with pride. Butterflies are everywhere. In response, MAF makes a wicked save or five.
 
Ladd, in the mean time, starts considering swearing off hats forever.


A MOST UNFORTUNATE THING


Stapleton somehow manages one past the BFG (Best Friend's Gang.) 
He sniffs the air. 
He heads back to the bench.
"Guys, you know, by intermission those jello shots are going to be ready. Things might not suck all night."

WHAT FRIENDS DO
Malkin isn't going to stand for this!!!!!
Something that could potentially make his friends sad?
NOT AN OPTION.

"WE GOT A THING THAT'S CALLED RADAR LOVE
WE GOT A WAVE IN THE AIR
RADAR LOVE"


AN INTERMISSION FOR THE AGES

The Jets all run into the locker room. Kyle gets to the fridge first, throws open the door. 
"Uhhh...Bryan...this fridge is full of Solo cups."
Pavelec is okay with this. "That's okay, you know, we just have to put our fingers around the edges first..."
"No, Pavey. Like, regular sized solo cups." Kyle takes one out and swishes the liquid around. It's gummy around the edges, and totally unappealing. He chugs the whole thing. "THIS IS NOT HOW A JELLO SHOT WORKS BRYAN." He throws the cup to the floor. 
The other guys start grabbing them and drinking the unsettled jello matter. 

Before too long, the sounds of the 80s are coming from both locker rooms. However, the 80s sounds from the visitors are more of vomiting and misplaced rage.

We understand the mixup. Remember mid 2009-season? There was a game for which Brooks forgot that you aren't supposed to put any type of wine in the freezer. The whole team ended up slamming wine slushies in their water bottles. These things happen to the best and handsomest of us.

THE MOST MIXED OF BAGS

Remember when we said it's sometimes good, sometimes bad?
Well. 
The Pens are still living it up being the happiest dudes in the 'burgh. Maybe it's the snow. Some talk of building snowmen in the park floated around. There were manly hugs.

"Dudessss, I knew it would work! Could we be friends too? Like them? You think we could do that?"
"I dunno, let's try it!"

Orpik and Park start telling one another their favorite jokes. They ask the press for their opinions. When they stop for just one second to score, the press is still too busy laughing and being filled with joy to capture it on film.
We understand it.

Feel the happiness.

That isn't even the end of the awesomeness.

"Look at my teeth!"

Bryan Little, in a drunken haze, is determined to prove that his party was a success. 
We're glad he got this one. 
We all make mistakes.

"Awww, remember friendship? Happiness? We got drunk in the end!"
"I'm going to throw up."

Remember how we said that the pregame party style could go either way?
South was the way it went for the Jets today.
We feel for them.
This is what you get when everyone tries to be the Penguins.

Really. We set impossible standards.

One last one seals the magnificent deal.

Pens win.
Obviously.

INVIDIDUAL AWARD

MOST WHOLESOME

Finnish people on drugs.

ALT THREE STARS
1. Bryan Little, for trying.
2. Jello, for being the best.
3. Teeth. And Best Friends everywhere.

Go Pens.

 

A point in Montreal is worth it.

Now, we know it's really irrational to be so pissed beyond all belief at a loss in a shootout, but Montreal did their best to prove, yet again, that they are whiny pieces of shit. And we will never think that they deserve to win any of the games, ever. Not even ones against Detroit. Remember that time they beat the fucking Caps? We didn't even really think they deserved that.

It seems like every Habs game in MTL of the last few seasons though has a distinct arc though, which we would like to examine in outline form.

I. Habs act like they're all hard.
No one will score for awhile, but there will be much gnashing of teeth by someone who should know better but doesn't. Like Subban trying to jaw at Malkin because, god forbid, Malkin tried to check him. Get real.

A. Habs will feed off the crowd and look like they deserve it for a minute.

Habs will score some goal or have a big shift, and act like it's the best day ever. The fans will get really into it and start terrifying everyone. A car fire will erupt in the suburbs unexpectedly.
B. Opposing team will work hard, but feel like they are being choked by stupidity. They will get bailed out by like 2 of their best players to keep things at bay.


II. Talent will reign. Someone will play hockey well (like Malkin or Joey V) and things will seem more even and calmed down for awhile. But, it is well-known that this is a temporary illusion.
A. We will proceed into a vast and godless ocean.

B. The outcome will make no sense and probably involve someone killing someone else.

Like Letang flying across the ice to deal with Subban attacking Gene for no good reason. Malkin had just apparently drawn an interference penalty on Darche? And then Subban was like gjskdlfjlskd. And then Letang was like GET THE JESUSFUCK OFF OF MY RUSSIAN. You can't make this up, folks. Yet this photo doesn't really do it justice.

This one is a bit closer.

Letang, in other words, gave zero fucks.

Shootout is ridic, it was won by Plekanec if that gives you a sense for how insane it was.

Malkin's goal will be talked about for at least ten more minutes, because it shows how much he really thinks of Carey Price to put that kind of move on him.
Fleury was reportedly "furious" after the loss. I mean he definitely didn't deserve to get scored on by Plekanec.
Everyone is upset that Jason Williams had the game on his stick. We were, too. But, sometimes the ultimate result of this formulaic existence in Bell Centre is death.
Whatever, we have the Jets on Saturday at home, that should be strange as all hell again.
Jets? Really? Oh Canada.
GO PENS.

These Blingees come from rexy, in honor of our two injured centers:

rexy's caption: "Staal looks longingly at a kitten."

And here is one of Sid:


And here is a topical one, for tonight's matchup against the Habs, from Loyal Friend of PH Carla:

Good versus Evil indeed.
May we learn something from all of this.

Go Pens. 

We're over it.
Fuck Brodeur.
Go Pens.

Hello, friends.

I don't know about you, but my Saturday is crammed so full of stuff that it's starting to squeak. Watching this hockey game is about the only break I'm going to get today, in between running errands, editing a paper for a nervous pearl-clutching grad student, and going on a Hot Date later with the husband.

I think we're going to the shooting range and then the Chinese buffet

Also, let me tip my hat to reader Carski, who made us this glorious Blingee of The Prettiest Princess.

Any time you want to send us Blingees, girl, we are all about it

My esteemed compatriot Zoë is in attendance at today's contest.

Save me a French cruller, Coach

FIRST PERIOD

I am totally looking forward to Errey telling me how long Chara's stick is at every possible moment.

Apparently the line of Sullivan-O'Reilly-Kennedy is now the "Irish line"? We need some better nicknames for our lines, STAT.

Neal-Malkin-Kunitz should be the Destroying Goaltenders' Collective Wills to Live line.

The Bruins are playing about as well as one would expect, considering they are the defending Stanley Cup champions.

Timmy and Fleury are engaged in an epic goalie battle.
On one side is AMURRRICA and cheeseburger cakes. Possibly actual cheeseburgers.
On the other, humility and juice boxes with cookies for Geno.

Which would you rather have on your side?

I feel like this game will be a game of inches.
Of tiny, almost imperceptible things.
I don't feel like there's going to be an Epic Meltdown on either side.

Just when it looks like Malkin is finally going to be able to get around Chara and do something, he gets blatantly cross-checked by Peverley.

Malkin then proves why he's so awesome by scoring on the power play with 8.1 seconds left in the period. 1-0 Pens

SECOND PERIOD

I missed the first part of the second period because TKhusband decided to give me a gun-safety lesson in advance of our Hot Date.

Gun safety is important, gentle readers.

I came back to the game in time to see the Penguins' power play collapse in upon itself, like a dying star.

Dupuis has accidentally whacked Tyler Seguin in the mouth with his stick. OOPS

In the epic Timmy vs. Fleury Goalie Battle For Great Justice, Fleury is winning. And not just because of the score - Fleury's making ridiculous saves all over the place.

Brooks Orpik shows why no one wants to encounter him in a dark alley by putting an enormous hit on Paille. Seriously, that guy flew like ten feet across the ice. He even applauded a little when he got back up.

THIRD PERIOD

The Pens come out firing on all cylinders to start the third.

A bad neutral-zone turnover sets up Matt Cooke. The Most Hated Man In Boston stuffs it in to make the score 2-0 Pens.

Alas, we are none of us perfect, and the first Bruins shot in the third period goes in to make it 2-1 Pens.

The Bruins have picked things up in this third period, as well they might have. I remember hearing something about them being the best possible third period team. Which seems odd, because aren't we the best possible third period team?

Despite a ridiculous back-and-forth effort during the third period, the Bruins cannot seem to score. I notice Timmy sneaking off the ice with about 45 seconds left in the game.

Fleury completely bails us out, refusing to let anything else in the net. Penguins win 2-1

ALT THREE STARS

Joe Vitale, for getting a new contract, and because we love him
Brooks Orpik for putting Paille into low-Earth orbit
The New York Times for using the Florida-as-dong picture of Malkin on their Slap Shot blog

Up next: New Jersey. SNORRRRRRRRE

Go Pens.

And that man's name is Brent Johnson.
Somehow, after last night, the Whatever we had just wasn't quite there. Plus, everyone played way tighter. Just not much going on.

Beej had an actually amazing game. Of course, there is going to be some contingent on the Internet who always thinks the Penguins goalie is to blame for every single loss, or that he "sucks" even when he carries the team on his back to the win.
But, Brent deserved better. Pens couldn't score. Reimer was there when he needed to be--played equally as well as Johnson. Playing well is often irrelevant to numbers. It happens.

Some key photographic evidence of the evening:

Top facial expression of the last century.


THOUGH THIS ONE IS CLOSE BEHIND.
HUGLUGLUGJFKD

Fun fact: we received an e-mail this week from a blogger asking if we knew any "fun tidbits" about James Neal. As far as we know, the man has no personal life; he is just perfection embodied. Smoke on that.

Officiating was weird this game. Some correct calls (like the Kunitz no-goal) and just a ton of stuff gotten away with by both teams.

Mike Brown thought he was at jousting practice maybe:


Whatever; I can't speak for the rest of the PH contingent but I am too jazzed about attending Saturday's game in Boston to be of much analytical or narrative help this evening. I was, understandably, also very offended that no one is reblogging my Sidney Crosby pepper .gif on Tumblr so I may need a personal day to recover from the slighted, hurt feelings.

Got a really deep tweet from a Leafs fan earlier, though:

Why indeed.
Why does anyone do anything.
Why are we here and where are we going.

TO TD GARDEN TO PROVE WE ARE STILL A MOTHER FUCKING GOOD TEAM, THAT'S WHERE.

~ go pens ~ 

Once upon a time, this post was to be titled "all of the balls."
But that is not what we have here, my friends, no. We do not have any of the balls, in fact. Unless we mean the good kind. In which case we are back to having all of them.

In a time with no hope, we found hope. Where there were no heroes to be found, they came to our rescue in droves. 
Today is a day in which we have fought, and we have triumphed. 

Let us reap the rewards.

PART I
A DARK PAST AND A WICKED RULER



The leader in the kingdom was cruel, unjust, and from a land far away where their mere pronunciation of words was an affront to common decency. Aboot. It was like a dagger in the heart every time they placed another foot on our soil. How dare they come to this place.
How dare they manage to take the reigns.
It was a dark time in Pittsburgh.
There was panic amongst the people.
Every other moment there was another raid, another pillaging, another raping of our pride and probably our women, too.
Consumption of mead was up at least a thousand percent. 
We all had to try and pretend we weren't seeing what we were in fact seeing.

Nothing was sacred to these heathens.
We all feared goodness would never return to our land.

PART II
THE HEROES RETURN

Suddenly, on the horizon, we see our heroes returning to us.

Maybe things can get better.
We give all of our hope to our heroes, but it feels like a slim chance. 
We don't want to doubt but it is beyond our understanding how we will get out of this one. Things, however, seem to get better.
We could win the battle.
Well, it's possible, but it feels kind of like bailing water out of the Titanic; a phrase which, when used here, is an anachronism of the several-hundred-year variety.
But to hell with it. Someone pass the whiskey.
This is all of the balls.
All of them.

And yet....slowly we feel the fight returning to us.

PART III
A VENGEFUL AND YET MERCIFUL GOD

One of our very own leaders lifts his head to the heavens and asks for a sign.

WHY GOD WHY

God answers by sending the five billion year old ocean hell monster to aid our battle.

Suddenly, everything has changed.
Good is overcoming evil. 
Order is returning to the land.
And, at long last,

good prevails.

And to seal the deal, the Almighty makes a joke.

KesseLOL.

ALL AWARDS
go to Pepper.
Showing up when needed, as always.
Like your distant, disapproving father.




If you are the type of person who is easily offended by us relying on photoshop rather than content, we apologize. We'll get'cha next time.
In the mean time,
go Pens.

We really have to give it to the NHL this year, btw.
In making up for that completely surreal and tragic opening ceremony experience, they have turned out some of the least shitty and bizarre All-Star Game portraits yet.
They've eliminated weird lighting techniques and have put the players in their jerseys to ensure that any fashion faux pas are mostly ignored.
But they're also kind of boring.


Joffrey Lupul: Man on a Wire. Does he look scared or is it just us?

This is classy. This says, "Hello, is it you I'm looking for?"


HELLO MY NAME IS PAVEL
That's really all this says to us.
Maybe LOL as well.


Too tall for School, yo.
Subtly placed Penguins logo.
We also got a good view of Gene's stems from the Penguins thanks to this shot. Do they all wear ballshortz to the portraits? We may never know.


Hossa went for the hat.
We think this choice is a little tacky.


Corey Perry says: hey check out my white stick tape while I hold my knob.
maybe.


Okay come on his face is out of focus.
He looks like he just got back from a Cheeto marathon with Rick Nash or something.
ALSO: guess what the variation is on this pose? You guessed it: Kessel with his stick behind his back.
We are starting to get the impression that they wanted them to be "in and out" without much fanfare.
Not very All-Star.


ugh wtf he kind of looks normal
Also is it just some shitty compression that is making everyone look noisy/pixelated? Getty. . .


Looks genuinely happy to be there. No critiques.


Fun fact: if you asked us to envision Marian Gaborik before today, we would have no idea what to put in our minds.
Now we do. We know the face behind the shot. Really nothing remarkable here. Except you might forget him 10 seconds later which is a little creepy. He could be a replicant.


Jordan Eberle has a perpetual case of bedroom eyes, apparently. Or, "dude I had too many bonghits last night" eyes.

PRESSING QUESTION: why is Tyler Seguin sanding his stick on an artistic black background? Looks like an interlude in an episode of Reading Rainbow or something.



Also, fun fact, every time a picture of Tyler Seguin is taken, a child in another, parallel dimension loses a balloon to the sky.


OMG JAMIE BENN'S HAIR SITUATION
WHAT IS IT
DID MATT NISKANEN CATCH IT FROM HIM IN DALLAS?


Also obviously way too tall for School.
Not a bad picture. No idea what to say.


Timonen looks like a shop teacher that left your middle school under shady circumstances in this picture. Also: what on earth is with his pinky.


It's like Ryan Suter had no idea where he was.
Are ASG players screened at the door to make sure no one has dosed them? Or does the NHL dose them? Mysteries.


LOL WE'VE ALL SEEN YOUR BALLS


Intense variation on any of the other portraits we've seen so far.
Thinly masking an underworld of insanity as always, Mr. Phaneuf. He knew he was going to get booed so much. Probably why he took that penalty shot hooking thing. TAKE THAT ALL-STAR GAME, TAKE THAT OTTAWA!


Banner image for any hypothetical "HEY GIRL, I'M DENNIS WIDEMAN" Tumblr. Could such a thing ever exist?

Did they really make the goalies wear their padding for these?

No, they let Price look all normal. Guess it was because Timmy was starting:


OH WELL THAT'S A NICE NORMAL PICTURE OF JIMMY HOWARD BUT WAIT WHAT IS THIS

NODFLKJDLSGHUOEIFJKDMFBLFDDL BLFDHFDJF>D NOOOOOOOOO
Inexcusable.


Now, we move onward into the Land of Swedes.


fjdkl fdkls burns a little


Solemn and classy.


Similar image: a housewife opening her door in 1979 to a man trying to push the Book of Mormon.
Last known photo.
Thanks Brother Steven.


Looks a bit confused at the "playful stick angle." Like, Sedin-Bot never holds its stick like this.


How do you tell them apart? Henrik definitely has more bitchface.


TOO MUCH TERRIFYING SYMMETRY OTHERWISE


Oh Milan. You may not be as adorable as your brother but at least you aren't horrifying.


THEEERE'S THE MONEY SHOT, babe. just act natural. Asking him to smile clearly wasn't working out. He just can't force it:



Tavares really just looks perpetually like he should have had a minor role in The Room.

Also wtf is this shit seriously.


I PLAY WITH GIROUX NOW SO HERE I AM GUYZ


"I'm here too, but no one cares."


Staring into the abyss.


Cover of a self-help book about how to deal with Swedishness effectively.

Kris is trying out his "Caleb from Pretty Little Liars" look:


We think it's working for him.
Still like Normal Kris best:

But we'll let the "individuals who are attracted to Kris Letang" contingent weigh in on this.


AMBIGUOUSLY UPSET SHEA WEBER IS AMBIGUOUSLY UPSET


Dan Girardi is for some reason giving off an aura of class in this photo. He def has wine with dinner.


Direction on the hand by the photographer: "Pretend like you are holding an irregularly shaped apple, Keith. AND YOU'RE HANGING ONTO IT FOR DEAR LIFE."


Alexander Edler could be the poster boy of any cold-weather sport. He looks like a ski bum. He is just so blonde. We can't deal with it.


Probably the most Swedish-Insane that Henrik has ever looked as opposed to GQ. We like it.


JQuick looks like his mom forgot to pick him up after pickup soccer in 9th grade. Just some indescribable sadness.


Brian Elliott is another anonymous face. We never really pictured him until now. We always imagined him as a lump of blood, sweat, and tears, coagulated into a uniform. Mostly tears.

We don't think anyone took pics of the rookies. At least Getty doesn't have them tagged properly. Why were they even there again?

ANYWAY SO
NHL needs some fresh creative in their marketing.
This shit didn't get weirder. Just more subtly weird.

Hello, friends.

As the All-Star Game is the most ridiculous of all this year's hockey events, I present to you Highlights from PH Commentary on the All-Star Opening Ceremonies.

Kim: I am going to go make myself a stiff drink zoë: WHO IS THIS PERSON PERFORMINGWHAT IS THISthere are cameramnen on skates
Mary: like you do
Kim: MVP = this guy's sunglassesprotecting him from the powerful UV rays in the dark arenazoë: and his sweet dance movesKim: If only he had a moustache.zoë: hahaha is phaneuf getting boo'dMary: man, i appreciate the consistency of everyone booing at phaneuf all the timeKim: yeah, it's nice to have something to go back to"The economy has collapsed, our president is an international jewel thief, and we're no longer allowed to paint walls yellow, but at least we can boo at phaneuf."Mary: also lupulzoë: BOOOOOOOOpulMary: i would feel bad booing at phil kessel thoughit's like he has nothing else going on in his lifehe always looks so distraughtzoë: i'm trying to take screen grabs of this stupidity but it's all going so fastprice = SILENCEcomplete silenceKim: the media is all about these moments
zoë: EVGENIMary: ))))))))))))zoë: him saying the numbers in french too is so disarming
Mary: i think it's kind of hilariouszoë: i just got a screen grab of chara in front of that stageKim: Waitis that Mike Green?Mary: is that guy still on stageKim: I think this is his debut as an entertainer.zoë: why is EVERY event the NHL puts on like having your brain put into a blender with terrible musicomg jamesMary: hanging up the skates and becoming canada's michael bublealthough is michael buble already canada's michael buble?i don't even knowKim: I am going to use that in my life. zoë: he IS canadiani'm still traumatized from chaka khan at the nhl awards Mary: that whole event was so low-rent and terriblezoë: and THIS isn't?Mary: oh it isKim: I can't wait to do this in Columbus.zoë: god do people tailgate the ASG? how drunk can we getKim: VeryMary: well, there is nothing else to do in columbusKim: We'll need toMary: i will need to numb the pain of being in columbuszoë: this is awkward, this anthemMary: yeah, show us a nice lingering shot of Timmy the PatriotKim: This is some hippy nonsense rendition of my anthem.Mary: AMURRRICAKim: Amurrica indeed, Mary. Amurrrica indeed.zoë: timmy should just take his dick out on TVKim: I love itzoë: "ottawa, the bilingual community."Kim: Why doesn't this game ever happen on timeMary: the Ceremonyzoë: get this time to shine song out of my lifeMary: i'll find a way to muddle throughzoë: it's like they're skating in mollasesKim: they're all hungovermaaaybe still drunkwho knows

Who knows, indeed. But I do know this - this is now the longest possible time before more All-Star Shenanigans.

Go Pens.

So, what's it going to be? Team Alfredsson or Team Chara? What are you in it for? Do you even care?
Here is a Helpful Graphic:


Malkin and James Neal are on separate teams, which makes this perhaps difficult for Pens fans.
As for Letang, we know that his hair is often a big deal when it comes to swing votes, but we'll stay out of it for the time being.
The key problem here is that Team  Chara has Jimmy Howard.
But Team Alfredsson has John Tavares.
How do we balance our Grease Alliances?
P.S. where is Selanne?  Anyone?

Anyway, Team Alfredsson has Jonathan Quick and not Carey Price.
We think that makes it evident enough.


ya dig?

whatever.

Go Pens.
GO TEAM ALFREDSSON!
go James Neal, Gene, and KTang.
For all eternity.