Phil Kessel is the antichrist.
Or sold his soul to the devil.
Or something equally as terrible that would cause a person to take happiness and joy away from James Neal, possibly the only person on this earth to deserve happiness in the first place.
Other than overcoming Mr. Neal in the scoring race, his hobbies include things like kitten molestation and Ending All Things Good.
Maple Leafs, this is the last time that you cross us and come out on top.
Don't turn your back on us.
MOST SURPRISINGLY NORMAL BEGINNING TO A GAME
With the Leafs, and with Hockey Night in Canada, you go into things expecting glamour and showmanship and downright tomfoolery from our neighbors to the north.
Someone is going to make a fool of himself, act over entitled, and make outrageous claims - and these don't always just come from Mr. Cherry.
But no, this game started out like a game we were playing with a real team.
We exchange some penalties, we let them get some odd man rushes, Malkin and James Neal make some magic happen - it's a normal hockey night. Oddly enough.
MOST UNEXPECTED CONSEQUENCE
Of course, being able to watch a respectable hockey game in which the Leafs are playing doesn't come without a price. They could score, in theory.
Mikhail Grabovski redirects a Phaneuf-er and Brent Johnson can't do too much about it.
To make up for it, Steve Sullivan does some neat things that make us feel warm and fuzzy on the inside. Paul Martin has a moment of sexiness that makes us ladies feel faint. The period still ends with us wanting something more.
SECOND MOST UNEXPECTED CONSEQUENCE
The second period starts kinda slow.
While Penguins hockey is undoubtedly the most exciting hockey, there are lulls, and the first five minutes is one of those lulls. We use the opportunity to catch our breath and overcome the sometimes overwhelming honor of being a Penguins fan.
While we're relaxing, so is Gustavsson. It is not the most common of things for us to say "watch out when Matt Cooke is near your net!" but once again, this is one of those times.
Never turn an eye on Mattie Cooke.
SHORTEST LIVED HAPPINESS
A mere minute later, Tim Connolly takes it all away from us.
A Malkin-hooking gets the Leafs a PP goal and the advantage once again.
It's starting to feel like maybe you should have made that deal with the Devil.
You would have if you loved the Penguins more.
MOST BREAKING-EST NEWS
If you hadn't heard fifteen times, Mister Mats sometimes ventures out of his home and into the community. It always causes a ruckus.
Smile, Mats. You are being watched.
The Pens tie it up once again when Malkin waits Grabovski out and gets in a shot that rebounds directly into the sweet care of Kunitz, who holds it gently by the hand and walks it home.
That photo is something special.
BIGGEST MEDIA BONER
At the beginning of the third period, MacArthur grabs a puck and puts it into the Penguins net, making it 3-2 for the Leafs. The media doesn't care. They have come down with a disease that is common in Pittsburgh and clearly now spreading to other parts of the world -
The overwhelming urge to photograph James Neal seems to come before documenting many actual game events to photographers. And rightfully so. Why take a picture of some Leafs jobber scoring when you can catch James Neal doing anything.
He's like a kitten. It's kind of cute when he sneezes, blinks, and sighs.
We don't want to miss anything that could potentially go viral so we can never look away. Imagine if the people filming "Sneezing Panda" had let MacArthur get in the way.
Luckily, when everyone is distracted by James yawning, Malkin puts a hole in the back of Gustavsson's throat net. Once again, it's tied up.
Can we get a Neal photo to celebrate?
WORST WAY TO END AN EVENING
Kessel, unfortunately, is not aware of the New Son of the NHL and the sort of honors he deserves due to that title. When no one is looking, he puts a puck behind poor, poor Johnny, giving him his 10th goal and the advantage over James Neal in the goals race .
It'll be coming back this way in no time.
Unfortunately, however, this little pull-ahead was the last action a net saw during the game, closing it out at 4-3. Our final rush was impressive, but no dice.
It's the last game we'll ever lose.
BEST WORST NAME
ALT THREE STARS
Every once in awhile we just feel the need to thank him for being on our team.
2. James Neal
For giving us that endless entertainment and pride new parents feel for their children
5 points in 6 games. Closing in on 100.
Get it done.
Sometimes you play a good game of hockey and in the end you still lose to the Maple Leafs. It's embarrassing but it's just what happens.
So, of course, we're never going to lose again.
Sounds good to me.
Phil Kessel is the antichrist.
In the absence of a recap for last night's game, I bring to you once again: ANGRY FRIDAY
Things pissing me off this week include:
1) Dental work
I had to get another crown on my teeth this week. This is because I apparently cracked one of my molars. On what, I can't possibly imagine.
These new adventures in dentistry come on the heels of my adventures last year, which included dental appointments approximately every three weeks for an entire year. And a root canal, which was better than a sharp stick in the eye, BUT NOT BY MUCH. And then I developed a little ball of scar tissue at the root of my tooth and needed an apicoectomy.
(Don't Google that. You'll just get depressed and grossed out.)
The worst part is that the husband hates my dentist and thinks she's just trying to make me have unnecessary and painful dental work. He doesn't understand how truly, truly terrible my teeth are. They are BAD, my friends.
I even have to brush with special prescription toothpaste.
If you learn nothing else from our blog today, friends, learn this: BRUSH AND FLOSS YOUR TEETH.
Bicyclists piss me off constantly. For one, I hate riding a bike. I crashed my bike super bad when I was younger, and so now I'm scared to ride a bike down hills, and SHUT UP I KNOW I AM A WEENIE I HATE BIKES.
I also hate when I'm walking on the sidewalk and a guy on a bike rides past me super close.
And I hate driving on a narrow Pittsburgh street and trying not to run over a guy riding a bike in the road.
And I especially hate how people on bikes aren't quite pedestrians and aren't quite vehicles, so they follow the rules of either whenever it suits them. If you're a vehicle, you should stop at red lights. If you're a pedestrian, you don't get to ride in the street.
Oddly enough, when I was in Copenhagen, where there is a tremendous population of bike riders, the bikes didn't piss me off. You know why? Because they not only have dedicated bike lanes, they have BIKE TRAFFIC LIGHTS. What a great idea!
However, that definitely doesn't happen in Pittsburgh.
FUCK YOU, OBNOXIOUS BIKE PEOPLE.
I CANNOT STAND YOUR PRECIOUS FIXIES
3) MAF haters
I constantly have the following argument with my husband:
Scene: The Penguins are playing. The husband and I are actually watching the game together. MAF is in net.
The opposing team scores a goal.
Me: "Balls! That SUCKS!"
Husband: "FUCK YOU FLEURY GET OUT OF THE NET YOU SUCK!!!"
Me: "Are you serious? It's one goal."
Husband: "Yeah, but that's how it STARTS!"
Friends, I grew up watching Patrick Roy in goal.
His son is a Canadian pop star. Seriously. I have his album. It is GLORIOUSLY BAD
Some days he'd just melt down completely and let in like four goals in ten shots.
Oh wait, wrong goalie
And some days he'd become a brick wall and stop everything from everywhere.
I am totally used to watching a goalie who is streakier than bacon. It doesn't bug me.
The husband, in contrast, grew up watching Tom Barrasso beat the crap out of opposing goalies on a regular basis. I'm unfamiliar with Barrasso's work, but I get the impression that he was a good, solid, reasonable goalie. Not spectacular, but not terrible, either.
As a result, the husband wants a goalie who is dependable and boring.
And it's possible that everyone else in Pittsburgh wants the same thing, which is why you get those people who call into radio shows and howl for Fleury to be traded.
You know what, Fleury haters? Shut the fuck up. It could be so much worse.
We could have Rick DiPietro in net.
To tide you over.
The game last night was obviously awesome, but due to hilarious medical emergencies, we're not going to recap it until later today. This video should keep you happy until then.
After this game was over I only had one thought:
Are they referring to Okposo's bar tab? Because it certainly didn't feel like there were 33 threats to our shut out this evening. MAF had it on lockdown, plus, well, The Isles.
The awards are no less deserved.
BEST TELEGRAM EVER RECIEVED
Sitting down in your parlor, preparing to watch the game, you are hardly prepared for the message you recieve.
GOD MAY BE ALIVE STOP. WON'T HAVE TO SELL THE FARM STOP.
TELL TIMMY HE CAN GO TO SCHOOL THIS WINTER STOP.
It may turn out to be a good day after all. Maybe God really didn't forget about us. We still need some more proof, but this doesn't hurt.
MOST MISLEADING BEGINNING
For the first half of the first period, one could get the impression that this was going to be a hard fought battle.
There are some equally promising scoring chances from both sides, including a sick little move by none other than Mister Neal. Malkin tries getting in there a little eventally, as well, making our hearts stop a little.
To see him scoring would be like warm halushki at the Polish Deli. We will wait until our number is called, thank you.
SADDEST MOMENT OF THE GAME
When you remembered this:
HAPPIEST MOMENT OF THE GAME
When you remember you didn't give a shit because we don't need anyone who isn't currently on our roster. Fools.
Brooksy and Dupes make sweet love, and this is the hard-earned money shot.
Press with the assist on such an awesome photo.
GREATEST ACT OPENER
We love Nabby and all, but we don't root against our team, ever, so when Park decides to score in the opening seconds of the second period and this photo emerges, we're still in hysterics.
What a face.
What an enormous opening in your net coverage.
Sorry Nabs. For tonight you are a fool. But get back at us tomorrow night and we'll show you how poor our net coverage is, if ya know what I'm sayin'.
This is where they ran up the numbers on us, I think.
By the end of the second, the score is still 2-0, but the Isles are allegedly leading shots 23-15.
Because the only shot we really registered for the rest of the period was the one that will haunt Kunitz in his sleep. That PINGing noise will keep him motivated well into next season, we imagine.
BEST TIME TO GET DRUNK
While we never support calling a game before the final buzzer (other than the obvious assumption that the Pens will always win, no matter what) if you are looking for a good time to get shit faced, it's in the third period of an Isles game we are winning 2-0, with no real come back possibilities in sight.
The third period was fun, what with some solid chances from the boys, but nothing looking like it Could Be The End for our victory, making it an amazing time to start rapidly tipping back your Iron City so that you can be good and disgraceful for the empty net, making it a celebratory occasion that you really need on a Tuesday night.
Staalsy for the empty.
Pens win, 3-nuthin'.
For makin' it look easy.
ALT THREE STARS
For showin' up. But seriously. Thank you for showing up.
For showin' up just enough to keep it a little interesting, but not enough that we didn't crush your spirit.
For sending me an email titled "Important video of Crosby slicing tomatos."
And with that, please have a magical evening knowing that Sid is eating a healthy amount of vegitables and metal shavings for a boy his age, and that the Pens will never lose again.
So, imagine being a New Jersey Devils fan tonight. Like an actual New Jersey Devils fan. Shit must be hard.
I mean, it could be worse. Johan Hedberg, despite being 38, is as good a backup as you can have without having Brent Johnson, and also happens to be devastatingly gorgeous. And you managed to pluck Petr Sykora from his mountain lair. However, there are lots of other problems, namely the fact that all of your players sound like characters that were written out of The Most Dangerous Game and a lot of them aren't great and you're stuffing money up Kovalchuk's ass for what, exactly? Clearly the Stanley Cup.
Being a Pens fan, conversely, is pretty good right now, despite the fact that seeing Petey in a Devils uni isn't ideal, but it's what we would have wanted for him. He needs to be on the dark side right now. It's the only way.
THAT TIME IT WENT OKAY
The Pens get a PP early after Clarkson does something.
Jordan Staal was all over that shit. It was the beginning of him taking a page out of the Brent Johnson Titanium Balls manual.
Easy as pie to start, though.
Everyone is so adorable and perfect.
WE'D BUY THAT FOR A DOLLAR
The second period was valuable only in that it included a moment of Petr Sykora (we think) unmistakably adjusting his junk while sitting on the bench. Once that wedding-ringed hand goes south, there's no stopping the music.
THE MOMENT THAT MOST CHANGED THE WORLD, APPARENTLY
Steve Sullivan took a high stick to the face from Patrik Elias, after Elias was probably pissed that he got Defended by Michalek, etc.
Petr Sykora plays guilty and goes to the box instead. No one knows why this happened, Errey and Steiggy seem to think it is some kind of Devilish (ha ha ha) trickery to ensure that Elias is able to kill the penalty. Since Petr Sykora never kills penalties. He needs that time and energy to play with his cattle prod. This time, because Sullivan's face was bloody, he gets four whole minutes.
ANYWAY, Patrik Elias got way open while Kovalchuk was playing hockey on the penalty kill and drew a bunch of Pens.
Everyone is way pissed about this, and it is really irritating, but actually somewhat embarrassing for the Pens that they couldn't just cover him. Whatever. It is a blip, a passing moment.
Because while it took until the second power play, we finally got a good setup in the offensive zone, and Kunitz fucking blistered a pass from Letang past Hedberg.
This ain't a fucking tie game anymore.
We imagine Kunitz in this pic is saying like, "yeah bitches what now."
Bob Errey took great joy at spending like an hour calling Kovalchuk the laziest person on the planet when he goes for a change while his team is defending. He gives up his man, which gives Jordan Staal a hell of a lot of room. We can personally thank Ilya for #100.
We can also thank him of Bob's reiteration of his favorite Jordan Staal nickname: The Big Pterodactyl.
Pretty much like 3 seconds later (or like. . .5 minutes later) James Neal came out of the corner. Meanwhile, the entire Devils team had driven up to Oradell, NJ to scope out coffee and bagel places and to discuss their favorite flavors of iced chai. They didn't invite Johan.
Can't find any pics of James Neal scoring these goals, btw. None.
But we knew it happened. Maybe this is part of the plan.
Staal is out afterwards for like every shift, and so is Steve Sullivan. Steve needs his first of the year and Staal needs the hatty. Neither will come, but whatever. We'll let our friend Kat on Twitter sum it up:
I mean probably not roids.
In our neighborhood, we call it "love."
CEC makes its first noises of the evening every time Staal goes for the hat trick. Hockey is apparently not exciting anymore. It was a Devils game, we'll give them that.
INDIVIDUAL AWARD: BIGGEST PIMPIN
Robbing babies of their first NHL goals like a boss.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Joe Vitale
2. Zbynek Michalek
Did everything right until some dick hurt his hand. This better not be a big deal. 6 blocked shots
3. Steve Sullivan
900 games is nothing to sneeze at.
It has always been our concern that the Devils just don't care about Johan. We wonder if they take all his red sour patch kids.
Next game is Tuesday on Long Island.
. . .Fascinating.
Well, it has been a hell of a week. If you run into me in jail this weekend, there are probably reasons why.
1. As a student of literature, as much as I enjoy Michel Houellebecq's The Elementary Particles and the hilarity that comes with middle-aged French dudes jerking off in public and their subsequent revisiting deep-seated shame and isolation, I really wish I could have a long weekend where I don't read anything but Harry Potter. And not, as many have argued, anything by George R. R. Martin. SORRY GUYS I JUST DON'T GET IT I'M SORRY PLEASE STOP HITTING ME. I also had to write a paper about a Holocaust memoir, which was really cheery. Also, let's not forget how embarrassing Daniel Radcliffe is:
And how it has a surprise early performance by Edward Cullen or some shit:
CLICK FOR FULL SIZE 800x600 WALLPAPER!!!!!
2. $49.99 for this, in this economy?!
We don't actually have a hockey thing to be mad about because Letang will be back next game and OMG BROOKS ORPIK IS BACK OMG.
by sabrinasinbin on Tumblr.
Unless you count the Ovechkin goals and stuff, really a quite flawless evening last night.
Pens play the actual New Jersey Devils on Saturday.
Tonight's recap may suck more than usual, because I have a terrible headache. Well, it's not so much a headache, as my face hurts. Probably not as much as Jay Beagle's face hurts, but it still doesn't feel great. The dog has been howling at me all day, too, which doesn't help.
Tonight marks a milestone for someone near and dear to my heart. Yes, friends, the USS Hal Gill, lately of the Pens but more lately of Montreal, is celebrating his 1,000th game tonight. Also: his wife just had a baby.
Congratulations on the newest addition to the Gill fleet
I've always liked Hal Gill. Yes, he is super slow, and sure, he occasionally did some dumb things on the ice, but he plays with a lot of heart. And that's not something you can learn. You either have it or you don't.
In case you need something mildly amusing to read, FoxSports has posted NHL Power Rankings that include Simpsons quotes for each team. I applaud the diligence of the intern who put this together.
Mike Cammalleri is returning tonight. What's the line on how many times I will misspell his name and have to go back and fix it? Whatever you set it at, I would probably pick the over.
Both Brooks Orpik and Dustin Jeffrey are back in the lineup for tonight. Isn't it nice to hear about Penguins players coming back to play, instead of getting injured or suspended?
Matt Niskanen has 21 shots on goal this season? Those are Kennedy-esque numbers.
Diaz hooks Asham while the latter is on kind of a tiny breakway, resulting in a Pens power play. There's been a lot of back-and-forth here, some good chances at each end, but not much happening. I fully expect the rest of this game to go the same way.
Hal Gill gets the puck off Kunitz and hands it over to Darche, who basically has the entire length of the ice in order to set up for a shot, but Fleury denies him. Which is awesome.
The Pens keep on bringing the thunder and Carey Price ends up in the net, with no stick, and is somehow still able to stop Joe Vitale (or anyone else) from scoring.
James Neal bangs a shot off the post, and for a second, no one knows if it's in or not...BUT IT IS!!! 1-0 Pens
Oh James Neal, both you and Phil Kessel have seven goals this year, and I can only hope that this trend continues
I don't always score goals, but when I do, I do it in October
Nothing much else happens except Carey Price keeps playing pucks from behind the net. I predict that this behavior will come back to haunt him; if not today, then soon.
Oh man, as I wrote that sentence, he knocked the net off its moorings and got a two-minute delay-of-game penalty. HA HA YOU SUCK
More shots on goal, but no scoring as the period ends.
FIRST PERIOD AWARDS
Prettiest Princess goes to the inimitable James Neal. Apparently this is what happens when you train with Gary Roberts in the offseason. You come back WITH A VENGEANCE.
What? Princesses can have vengeance.
Steve Sullivan keeps on trying to score, and failing, because Carey Price is playing balls-out.
However, Carey Price's balls fail to prevent Joe Vitale from redirecting a rebound through traffic and making scoring look super easy. 2-0 Pens
Paul Martin gets called for a cross-check, which is unfortunate, because he is apparently the nicest dude ever. My pal who works for the Penguins got paired up with him for season-ticket distribution this year, and she says he's great.
I inform the husband that the Caps and the Flyers are playing one another tonight. "Wow...two teams I can't fucking stand," he says.
Although the Paul Martin penalty expires without incident, Lovejoy gets called for holding someone's stick.
Fleury continues to stop the Canadiens from scoring and destroy their collective wills to live. He makes some epic saves even when the Canadiens players, frustrated and angry, run into him "accidentally".
Michalek takes a penalty thay the husband can't figure out, which results in more short-handed opportunities for the Pens and more profanities from the husband. He thinks the Pens are being unfairly penalized, not only in this game, but in EVERY GAME EVER.
The Pens finally go on the power play after Gionta gets called for boarding with about a minute and a half left in the period. They get set up nicely, but Carey Price continues to be strong.
SECOND PERIOD AWARDS
Best Goalie goes to Fleury, for standing strong and continuing to not let any pucks in the net. And for being contrary to haters.
Haters gonna hate
The third period commences with the very tail end of the Gionta penalty, but it's not enough time for anything to get set up.
Everything's happening in Montreal's end, but at the same time, Carey Price is making every single save.
Except when Arron Asham knocks the puck out of mid-air. Although it's called a goal on the ice, the bigwigs in Toronto need to review the footage to make sure it's a good goal.
I forgot to mention earlier that not only is it Gill's 1,000th game, it's Asham's 700th game. Which is also awesome!
"After video replay, the decision on the ice stands. GOOD GOAL!"
I feel like we've comfortably settled into Grind Mode. Not that I'm going to stop paying attention or anything, but still.
This phrase will NEVER GET OLD
In the absence of new things to say about Montreal failing to accomplish anything yet, I will say this: ROOT Sports's camera angles SUCK MY BALLS. I am sick of missing faceoffs and watching power plays from behind the opposing team's net. What's wrong with the normal angles?
I flip over to check out the Caps/Flyers game real quick and see a replay of Ovechkin scoring off of a bad MaxTal turnover, WHY AM I NOT SURPRISED
Michalek takes a ridiculous penalty but it doesn't even matter until he comes storming out of the box and grabs the puck to shoot it at Carey Price. Even though he doesn't score, the Canadiens look defeated and sad.
In the very last minute and a half, the Canadiens manage to win a faceoff and Gionta slaps it in from the point. 3-1 Pens
I was really hoping Fleury would pitch a shutout, mostly because he's the goalie on my fantasy team, but we are none of us perfect.
Carey Price heads off to the bench with one minute remaining. However, the Canadiens fail to score AT ALL. WOOOOOO
THIRD PERIOD AWARDS
Most Asses Kicked goes to Deryk Engelland, who had the first two-point game of his career. Good for you, Engo!
Up next: New Jersey. SNORRRRRRRRE
Recap is totally fake tonight because I am having a college emergency.
Which is slightly akin to a real-life emergency, but mostly, you know, only matters to teenagers and people with annoying, overachiever priorities, like sleep and deadlines.
Anyway, we thought we'd quiz you on a few things from tonight's game.
1. What are Brent Johnson's balls made of?
A: Titanium coated in steel, with a tungsten core, with the entire outfit armored in blood-soaked mithril.
2. What is James Neal, not just tonight, but as a rule?
A: The prettiest prettiest princess. And he didn't get the black ring. Not once.
3. Where is Paul Martin from?
A: Word on the street is Minnesota, but we'd bet money on Krypton.
4. How much jizz did the Penguins fanbase collectively release when Pascal Dupuis scored on a breakaway?
A: At least a metric fuckton. (Not to be confused with the metric shitton.)
Calling the American Red Cross to dig some people out of the mountains of jizz.
5. How inappropriate was Cal tonight?
A: As inappropriate as that fucking mustache.
6. Who is the best?
A: We are still the best.
Cal is Not the best.
. . .We. . .finally beat Minnesota.
And Niklas Backstrom.
And Chris Kunitz and Jordan Staal became the Silent Warriors.
And the nation was won back from its oppresors.
Did you ace your history quiz?
Kris Letang suspended 2 games for going to hit a guy while he was sort of falling down and turning. This was not a head-targeting hit, or even a head-incidental hit. Here is Shanahan's explanation, which we haven't watched with the sound on:
In other news, it's entirely possible that the entire team of Pittsburgh has had a blood transfusion with Sean Avery and bone marrow transplants with Rick DiPietro. INTERPRET THAT AS YOU WILL.
minnesota wild city.
contrary to popular belief, Wild was already a noun, so shhh.
Today's post title contains a hat tip to whoever picked that team name for the Thursday night Rinkotology game. YOU ARE GREAT
What more can be said about Winnipeg? I don't even have any witty observations about the town. Or the team. Or poor Tyler Kennedy, on the sidelines with concussion-like symptoms. I hope he gets better soon. Him and Geno both.
Come back TK, some of us miss you
Also: honorable mention to the fine people making James Neal GIFs.
I hope you keep scoring goals so people keep making these
According to Dan Potash, Arron Asham is the man of the hour in cold, blustery Winnipeg.
Winnipeg also has not yet won a game this season, prompting this Onion article: Citizens of Winnipeg Realize They Hate Hockey Now
Evander Kane is also out. And with Sid and Geno out too, this game is probably not going to be a blowout or anything.
Holy balls, Richard Park is the #1 center tonight. No commentary; just BALLS.
If you blinked, you missed the first goal of the game, which Winnipeg commenced scoring in EIGHT SECONDS. I don't think I've ever personally seen anyone score that quickly. And I have been to frat parties on Halloween. 1-0 Jets
The crowd commences taunting Fleury, but that is not something that I recommend. Fleury is like the Penguins' Happy Fun Ball. And if we've learned nothing else from TV, it's that you do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.
We decide that it's Beer O'Clock at the first commercial break. The husband's best friend, who comes over for dinner a lot, likes to bring us beer in exchange for hosting him. So now we have half a case of Sam Adam's Harvest Pumpkin Ale.
Blake Wheeler takes a penalty for interference, but I wonder how the power play's going to work without Malkin or TK. I thinkthe answer is "basically terrible." I have flashbacks to the entire last half of the previous season. James Neal is lovely, but he can't do everything by himself. Nor should anyone expect him to.
The power play is awful, as one would expect. James Neal is playing like he's on fire, but he seems to be the only one.
Deryk Engelland takes...a SKATE to the FACE? WHAAAAAA
He and Thorburn have a little scrap about it. GO ENGO
The Pens begin to turn things around, although Kunitz pulls his best TK impression and takes a good shot that hits the post.
Letang makes a lovely, lovely shot, which is indicative of the Pens clawing and biting their way back into this game.
Burmistrov refuses to give up on the puck and passes to Tanner Glass, who shoots through traffic and scores on Fleury. Sigh. 2-0 Jets
DICKS, ET CETERA
As the period ends, I am reminded that it could be a lot worse.
FIRST PERIOD AWARDS
Fattest Jet goes to Dustin Byfuglien. If he were any fatter, he would be a 747.
Most Heart goes to James Neal. I hope that he's not the only one on the Pens who looks like he's actually playing hockey during the rest of the game.
Hainsey goes off for tripping, creating an opportunity for the power play to...do whatever it is they think they're doing. Which mostly seems to mean not finishing anything they start.
The husband is off watching this game in a bar with his pals. I can only imagine how angry they must be, right now.
The crowd is about as rowdy as a crowd is allowed to be in Canada. The Pens are playing as hard as they can, but they just can't get anything done.
Fleury makes a pretty good save and smacks the net off its moorings, much to the chagrin of the refs and the crowd.
"Suck my dick Kyle Wellwood" - Zoë
I'm about to call shenanigans on this game and go and get my broom, I am totally serious.
Park gets called for hooking and honestly, I'm not really that worried. Of course, I say that now and I may be very sorry shortly.
No one knows if Byfuglien is a forward or a defenseman, because he is so fat at everything.
James Neal gets a penalty for slashing (???????) and Root shows a close-up of him going to the box, yelling a lot of unintelligible curse words. I like to imagine that "Fuckstain" is among them.
However, nothing much happens on that power play for Winnipeg. I drink my beer and seethe with rage that the Pens aren't doing better than they are.
Park and Sullivan set up a lovely, lovely play, but for some reason, Pavelec is everywhere. Ondrej Pavelec is hockey Visa right now - he's everywhere that the Pens want to be.
All of a sudden, Michalek blasts one past Pavelec and almost, ALMOST redeems himself for messing up at the beginning of the game. 2-1 Jets
Sullivan takes a hooking penalty to end the period. I'm exhausted. I need another beer.
SECOND PERIOD AWARDS
Worst Burger Name goes to Dave's Hot 'n' Juicy. I mean, I'm sure the burger is really good, and it's nice that it's named after Dave Thomas, but COME ON PEOPLE. It just sounds SO WRONG.
Personal Redemption goes to Zbynek Michalek. Someone had to score the first Pens goal of the game, and I'm super glad it was him.
Also: Best Pie goes to me, because I made a butternut squash pumpkin-style pie with a brown butter gingersnap crust over the weekend, and it is really, really good. Better than pumpkin pie, quite honestly.
The third period commences with the remainder of that Steve Sullivan penalty. Fortunately, the Jets fail to get set up properly, and the penalty expires again with NOTHING HAPPENING.
Bogosian rings one off the goalpost that just sounds painful. I swear I heard that crack from here.
I feel like this whole game has been simultaneously rage-inducing and very, very boring. Maybe that makes me an inferior hockey fan, I don't know.
Sullivan attempts to lift the puck past Pavelec, but fails to do so, resulting in much wailing and gnashing of teeth.
Zoë has officially broken up with Pavelec at this point. He is dead to her, along with the whole city of Winnipeg.
Stuart gets smacked right in the face with a slapshot from Niskanen, but he doesn't seem to be seriously injured, which is good. Much as we may hate on Winnipeg and their extreme fatness, we don't want anyone to get hurt.
Fleury continues to come up huge. Let's hope this trend continues. It's holding so far, even as Kris Letang has to bat the third rebound-shot out of the air right in front of the goal.
Letang hammers Burmistrov into the boards and gets a boarding penalty, about which the fans are angry, because they think it's an OMG EVIL HEADSHOT. It's not, jerkwads.
Steiggy accidentally calls the Jets the Thrashers. We suspect it's because he's angry and discombobulated like us.
Thorburn hooks Kunitz and finally, someone from Winnipeg gets called for something. It causes an angry, tubby pileup with many rage-filled exchanges.
This is important to keep in mind
After the shoving is resolved, the Pens end up on the power play. Unfortunately, it ends up forcing MAF have to make an excellent save.
Disco Dan pulls MAF with a minute left, and the Winnipeg fans LOSE THEIR GODDAMN MINDS. Steiggy and Errey are forced to yell to be heard.
Dupuis plays goalie for the final five seconds to make sure the puck doesn't go in, but...the Pens totally fail to score, and the game is OVER.
THIRD PERIOD AWARDS
Honorary Goalie goes to Pascal Dupuis for making things less embarrassing than they could have been at the end.
Brickiest Wall goes to my boy Fleury. Yes, Winnipeg scored eight seconds into the game, and yes, they eventually won. But Fleury made some bomb-ass saves, and it could have been much, much worse.
Minnesota tomorrow? Fuck. I'm gonna have to stock up on No-Doz, aren't I?