We're starting a new month, bitches. Against the Sabres, of all people. Ew.
And the coaching staff has scratched Joe Vitale without our permission.
Unacceptable.
OTHER THINGS THAT ARE UNACCEPTABLE: Jaromir Jagr traded to the Bruins. Can't wait to be at that game and fuck some people up.
More acceptable things: Brooksie has played 622 games, the most of any Penguins defenseman of all time. Hot damn excuse us.

NEW FAVORITE SITCOM
It's called Gene and Jarome Take the Hill and it's Evgeni's first shift with Iginla this game which is basically flawless.
Unfortunately we also have to deal with Tyler's Ponies: Las Vegas in the next time slot. But Iginla wants Ryan Miller as a Very Special Guest Star on the serious episode where someone loses their virginity or runs away from boarding school to get married like Jo on The Facts of Life.
And Malkin almost fed Engelland on some kind of Jesus play. It's going to be a good night on television.

The Sabres take a penalty but it's only because they love us.
And another for good measure. Guess Morrow must have bled on the Weber bullshit because it's four minutes. LEAST LOVE
Jarome Iginla's stick breaks on the point on the extended PP. Someone whose name we don't know breaks Koun's shutout streak immediately afterwards, Niskanen obtains possession and just gives a blind drop pass right to the Sabre stranger bitch. His name might be Porter. We know for sure he has never before scored in the NHL. SHIT.
Shorthanded stranger bitch goal no less.

dead.
But we'll get love back. we hope.
Ryan Miller looks catlike in his concentration. This could be the longest night. TK is our first line center, guys.

MOMENT YOU WERE DELIVERED FROM EVIL BY THE GODS OF CANADA
Power play time is winding down. Penguins playing catch and battling hard behind the net. Malkin to Kunitz to a nice little fake to. . .cross crease to Jarome. Miller isn't looking so hot anymore, because he just got schooled by Chris Kunitz (of all people IKR) and Iggy has a wide open net. hahahahah oh man we are so cocky everyone hates us can you feel the hate

1-1

MOMENT THE GODS OF CANADA SENT YOU A FLAMING BAG OF SHIT
steve ott scored

No further comment.
In the words of Kim: "we can always kill ourselves."
Accurate. Period ends, 2-1.

BEST MOMENT FOR CRACKING AN EXTRA BEER
Early second period Cody Hodgson schools Vokoun on a wraparound. oh okay sure thing cody you do that. Then Porter forces us to know his name, Voldemort style.
It's 4-1, and an injured warrior saddles up.
MAF's first action since getting messed up by TK/Gionta. Comes out early to challenge a shot.
Engo took a penalty. Killed-ish. Except then we just took another penalty (imagine that). But MAF is all over everyone's balls.
Just when you thought you were out of the woods, the Pens took another penalty. So we're fucked is what we're saying.
It would be nice to get a goal before the horn but Douglas Murray is leading a rush with like 30 seconds left, so. Yeah no.
Speaking of Murry the Pens apparently have 3 shots in the second period. Um.

SHORTEST STAY IN PURGATORY
James takes a retaliatory interference penalty to start the third. Killed by the grace of MAF. But. . .what's this after the TV timeout? Another penalty?
Really not sure what we're supposed to think at this point except fall on the ground and prostrate ourselves towards the Sun in thanks that MAF is well enough to do this right now.
Pens did get a PP but it's a mess.
Story of the game is Porter almost getting a hattie. Trying not to curse himself.
Nothing else to say. We were never gonna have that one back. Fifteen, ladies and gents. Adieu.
Pens lose 4-1

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS   NEVER SAW IT COMING

Bobby and Steiggy.  Thought they were going to see a much different moment tonight, you can tell.  They're homers but they can be beautiful homers (mostly referring to Bobby here).  They unfortunately had to witness the moment that the glass slipper shattered.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Iggy because duh.  This is a Penguins blog.  We were so happy to see him score.
2. The inevitable shitstorm that is going to happen when I start tagging these posts.  PLEASE BE KIND, PSEUDO-REDDIT AKA TUMBLR BITCHES WE'RE ANCIENT AND DON'T UNDERSTAND THE INTERNET.  think of us like your grandma
3. nathan gerbe

Cooke let him live.

does our inaugural tumblr post please you

well, kind of our inagural Tumblr post. We're sorry we don't know what has just happened.
GO PENS

Welcome to the Recap Lite (tm). 

As said earlier, we're kinda busy today. But of course, we're both tuned in. Who misses hockey?
Probably only terrorists.
From lounging poolside sipping margaritas to preparing for the Seder like a boss, priority #1 never changes. 

So, just in case life got in the way and you missed a few moments, here are the big deets:

Brooks and Sid had a friendly fire incident. 
A mean slapper ended up landing the puck in Sid's magnificent face. 

We hear that the universal gasp that resulted actually had some strange impact on global warming. Depending on what scientists you talk to, we either saved or killed a whole lotta polar bears. 

The first period was pretty good, otherwise, in a rough and tumble kinda way.
Isles outshot us, which is a bummer, but doesn't matter if no one got it in the net.
Which, by they way, no one did

Zoe, that bitch, took the intermission as a chance to jump in the lazy river.
Seriously. 
Do you see me hatin'? Because I am. 

The second period was all about back and forth penalties. It got a little rough in the last few minutes when Kunitz landed a good check on Bailey, who careened into the boards. Kunit got slapped with a major and a misconduct, which is insane. But mostly we're happy that Bailey got up and skated off, looking like he wouldn't die (potential neck injuries TERRIFY US.)

Matt Cooke is INSANE on the PK. Like, truly insane. 
Like, tying up the puck behind the Isles net insane. 
Orpik tripped Okposo with 1:55 left on the 5 from Kunitz.
Vokoun is just fucking unreal.
Luckily the 5 on 3 is snakebit by the intermission.
Still 0-0.

The third period was grueling.
So much action. So many feelings.
SO MANY FEELINGS.

Cooke gets it in the back of the net at long last, and it is excellent.

P.S. Vokoun is a MONSTER.

An absolute MONSTER.
Unreal.

Iggy looks great, if you wondered.

Malkin at one point hit Moulson so hard that he broke his stick.
THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR LOOKING AT YOUR SHOES LIKE SOME KINDA HIGH SCHOOL FRESHMAN. 
Seriously, what are these guys, hourly?

And then, this happens, and it is the most wonderful thing on earth:

Neal goes to the bench, thanks Geno, and says "I love this."
It's really, really epic.

The clock runs up, and suddenly we're at 15.

The teams between us and the record are garbage, but let's not count our eggs just yet.

Sit back, relax, and enjoy.
Happy Easter, Passover, and Weekend
Go Pens.

So PH staff is out in the world. Kim is at Passover or some shit and Zoë is at an indoor water park. We didn't expect to have to give a shit about a midday Islanders game but it looks like the Pens are playing Iginla soooooo. Will you bear with us while we try to pull our lives together? We'll talk to you more about this later. uhhhhhhh

So yeah, the Pens went all in, while you slept, in the wee hours of the morning. Iginla's goal totals are enough to get you wet while looking at Wikipedia.
Quick notes: Malkin's back tonight with Atlantapeg in Pittsburgh, Fleury is injured still (sources seemed to hint "neck strain"--he was well enough to be at morning skate) so we called up Jeff Zatkoff aka the dude who is carrying the load in WBS aka demi-Curry, Tang is out with a broken toe idk.
No need to rush Fleury back at this point--if Vokoun holds steady and Zatkoff is ready for the show we'll be fine for a few games if need be.

Iginla is Canadian and from personal experience we know that Americans don't want Canadians coming in and doing their subtle Canadian shit in God's Country (hahagsdjt0wehyjglmvlsd) so apparently he is going to have a prob getting to Pittsburgh. Can't wait.

Douglas Murray and Brenden Morrow are in the mix, though.

We do have our skepticism. We hate when people act like the Pens are going to win the Cup automatically. People who say this about any hockey team should probably have to go to some kind of special boot camp.
Also, shaking lineups up on a win streak is a bizarre risky move. But it's a huge statement. Bylsma and Shero proved beyond a reasonable doubt in 2011 that they can coach and GM a skeleton crew of AHLers and goons into the playoffs, but the playoffs are a different dance. The Pens are going hard to prove that first round exits are unacceptable--they're going hard to prove, basically, that they will not be the shell of a thing that the Washington Capitals have become. Regular season success is meaningless.

Anyway, Winnipeg is leading their division. How, what, excuse us? Time to light the lanterns along the darkened path to heaven.
 

WORST EX-BOYFRIENDS FIGHTING YOUR NEW BOYFRIENDS AT THE ROADHOUSE
Eric Tangradi takes a shift and is a stain.
Al Montoya. We remember when you were a Coyote. Why aren't you still again?
Douglas Murray gets his first shot on net as a Penguin.
Pens with giveaways for days to start the game. Jets everywhere. We get the first "stick of Toby Enstrom" of the night but unfortunately it is not described as long.
Murray is getting shots towards the net like a regular fuckin Matt Niskanen. Ummmm yeahhh. Big and slow and slapshot and bye. We'll take a cup of that.

THINGS WE ONLY LEARNED BECAUSE OF REPETITION (NOT)
Steiggy seemingly obsessed with reminding everyone of how fat Byfuglien is.
Maybe the length of Enstrom's stick has lost its lustre.
This game is full of things to say and stories but not a lot of game-changers. Except Vokoun and Montoya, of course.

Other things that are self-evident:
Sid, Malkin, and Kunitz is a nasty forward combination.
Sid and Geno bedazzle the ice with their presence. Jets forwards looking at them down low. Kunitz is on the wall though and comes a bit closer. Sid gives him a completely blind pass behind his back. Kunitz's release is the exact opposite of Murray's skating. Swift. Sleek. Blink-and-you-missed-it. off the pipe and in.
shiiiiitttttt.
Kunitz has 20 goals. how is this even

Jokinen can already tell it's going to be a long night.

1-0

TERROR 2013: THE MOVIE
Dupuis rings one off the pipe and everyone freaks out.
Next shift Malkin's line is swarming.
Goes in off of Gene's skate. A little bit of a combination of garbage and redirect. Malkin just drove the net. Not a kicking motion. Gene looks worried though.
but it's good:

he pointedly slow dances with Niskanen before the goal is made official.

Neal made the pass. They're slowly waking up like the monsters of yesteryear. Eric Staal, on the bench in Carolina, loses the wind out of his lungs. He's seen this before.
Period ends quite suddenly. Kunitz uses the phrase "little holler" in his intermission interview. This is why we love him. One of the reasons.

BIGGEST CIRCUS TENT
Errey has started referring to stick tape in the "candystripe configuration" which sounds way more technical than it actually is.
blah blah blah. Kunitz using the wall to get the puck out of the zone after the Jets flop around a bit. Sid down the wing. To Dupuis. Complete fucking aerial pass. Montoya totally destroyed on that play. Dupuis with the snipejob.
the high pitched wailing you did would wake the dead

3-0
oh okay.
Errey literally whips out the phrase "they're Montoying with them."
Lay off All Montoya. He's trying.
(We maintain a soft spot for all ex-Coyotes.)
Any second now elephants are going to walk onto the ice and someone will start eating knives.

Pens are just puck possession. Just completely surgical. Sid's line has a shift that could be prescribed to expectant mothers. Then Gene's line comes on. How. How.
We really don't know how this is our team but the history of the Pens over the last 25 years or so feels like some kind of bizarre fairy tale. Lemieux gets drafted and all of this comes from that moment. No I swear I'm not drunk.

As we're ruminating this Craigsy takes a tripping penalty because he skated through Burmistrov who was doing nothing. Fine. Killed. Brooks Orpik led a shorthanded rush. It's that kind of game.

Malkin has a shift like the one Sid's line had with Morrow and Neal. They're getting close. Morrow has opened a Shake Shack in Montoya's crease. Beautiful to watch.

MOMENT YOU ENTERED TRANSCENDENTAL SPACE
Slowly floating above the clouds.
Sid is there. We all are there. Pens ice the puck and use their timeout. The silence is golden.
Pens somehow take another penalty. Killing it like usual.
Then Dupuis catches up to a puck before a Jets defenseman. Fastest man in the world. Snipejob. Tanner Glass was wide open and Dupuis feels bad that he didn't pass.

But not that bad:

great look at the shortie:

PERIOD THAT MADE YOU CHECK YOUR VITAL SIGNS
Pens start the third by taking two penalties. Nisky and Orpik no less.
Unlimited 5 on 3. Blocked shots. Paul Martin and Matt Cooke in the trenches. No one can hit the net. Vokoun in everyone's mouth. Niskanen and Brooks can come back. And that's that. How exactly you do a kill like that is an unknown factor. So much of it is mental. Only so much you can do. Two shifts later and Dupuis making a serious bid for his third goal.
Doesn't happen. Chris Thorburn's name mentioned for the first time all night. Doesn't last long.

God we just feel like assholes talking about how amazing the Pens are and not even trying to drown you in metaphors. It's just too easy right now. The Jets are bad apparently.

Murray gets yet another shot on net?
Montoya isn't horrible. Sorry we have to do this to you bro.

A beautiful smear to the ice by Murray on Burmistrov.
Vokoun stones Kyle Wellwood on a breakaway.
Seven and a half minutes.

Morrow wants the puck so bad. So motivated. Six minutes.

MOMENT YOU LAUGHED COLDLY LIKE VOLDEMORT
Eric Tangradi somehow got behind Eaton and got a break. He fired it wide because he is terrible.
That is all.

UHHHH
Dupuis hit the post. Irrelevant now. Looks like we won or something. uhhhhh

pens win~
14 straight (gsitgjsmdfgbw08stuifkdl)
Tomas Vokoun's 50th career shutout.
just really nothing to say. Whole game was domination.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS
HUGEST SWAGGER AND ALSO BALLS AND ALSO SOUL AND ALSO LOVE

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
I almost typed that in lowercase out of laziness before remembering that lowercasing is wrong.

1. Sid.  6 shots, 2 assists, running away with the Art Ross right now.
2. probably Douglas Murray's skull
3. Evander Kane, a -4 on the proceedings

don't want to get too high with this.  The Jets didn't look committed.  They put on some good defense but ultimately Montoya was their last line and he couldn't do it all.  20 shots to 43.  jesus

next game is on Saturday versus the Isles.  We will hopefully be joining you from inside a large margarita and/or Jewish seder wine.

go pens.  fushdfsjaiogjdfoi

No idea what to think, Pens get Jarome Iginla for this year's first round pick and some college prospects.
holy dicks
Iginla still has monster status in many hearts.
Iginla dictated this trade because Boston's offer was much, much better from the Flames' POV. He had no-trade, no-movement clauses to waive. He saw what the Pens were doing and wanted in on it. End of story.

No idea what this means for the Pens.

Means that they're going hard for the Cup.

Someone might die.  Lineup gets stranger and stranger.

who knows

man

IGINLAAAA

go Pens

Adding to this streak would really just be like, icing on the life cake right about now.
It's been a long winter, but really, this streak has us breezin' through it. 
If you're thinking about the "but what about when..." shut up.
Never think those thoughts again.
I might be fevered, so stick with me through this. 

BEST HIGH SCHOOL CAFETERIA FIGHT
Tyler Kennedy, who is on a redemption rampage, goes AFTER Dumont for being a wang.
He has that sort of determination that you only see in a nerd fight in high school.

Seriously.
That came from some deep-down scary place.
The pony farm is fighting back against foreclosure, ya'all. 

MOST PATRIOTISM
If you tuned in at the wrong moment, you may accidentally think that MAF is carrying the team on his back.
Luckily, it's just spotty.
Our D's not totally horrible and MAF is picking up all dat slack. 

Mark Eaton, just when you were starting to forget about him, throws himself in the line of fire for God and Country. 
Definitely finding his footing on Penguins ice once more. 

The rest of the period slips buy unnoticed.

MOST SQUANDERED TWO MINUTES
We go on the PP early in the second and do a really horrible job of making it happen, starting with a pass to Neal that somehow made it to MAF first. How does that make sense. 
KTang got close with one he sailed over the net but unfortunately this ain't horseshoes. 

MOST MIND NUMBING
First, Mark Eaton gets a delay of game for bleeding when pricked with a pin. 
You are wondering wt-serious-f the refs are thinking, because it certainly is more along the lines of "I wonder if Val Kilmer will ever lose the weight" than "hey I should do my job and watch this game in some sort of critical fashion."
Luckily you don't have to sob about it too long, because you have to start chanting for a certain exotic flower.
Markov fired a nasty shot from the side, that would have gone into the net if MAF weren't a soothsayer. 
But he is, so, you know.

We run down the PK with no further incident. 

MOST APPROPRIATE TIME TO QUOTE LIZ LEMON

WHAT THE MOTHER EFFIN WHAT?!

So, you know Sidney Crosby. 
He does one of those Sid (tm) things. 
And you can just feel the hearts of Habs fans breaking. Not because they are losing. Plenty of time left, so we can't say that. Not because we scored first. That's fixable.
But because they had to watch Sid do that while knowing, deep down, that they could never have him. 
They will never have Sidney.
It must be terrible to know that. 

Oh, P.S. MAF followed up Sid's goal with a sexy little number that dramatically kept the score in out favor.
MTL was two inches either way from a pretty amazing answer. 

MOST TEARS SHED
Craigsy gets set off the ice because he got an eye full o' puck. 
BE OKAY, CRAIGSY.

MOST ADVERSE TO GOOD WILL
Just when TK is starting to generate some good will for himself, he accidentally trips right into MAF's sacred, important, and beautiful head.

MAF spends some time making us sweat it. He looks kinda bad for a bit there.
Like a champ, he shakes it, and finishes up the 2nd. 
Hopefully his head is still good for standing on in the third.

MOST DASHED HOPE
Nope.
Hello, Vokoun. 
Drink lots of juiceboxes in the locker room, MAF. 
Get well immediately. 

MOST CONSECUTIVE NON-EVENTS
Mattie gets in the bin for roughing, which happened, and was hilarious and wonderful.
We kill it no prob.
Then we get our turn up.
They kill it with littleish problem. 
Some people could have scored, but didn't!
Dupes did get notably close, though.

BIGGEST SKATES FILLED
Vokoun really had his job cut out for him.
And oh man did he jump through that cutout Japanese game show style.

1-0
We finished up the baker's doze, ya'all.
 

INDIVIDUAL AWARD

That's the flu virus.
And he gets an award for stepping and telling all of you that' if I don't go to bed right now, many innocent lives will be changed forever. 

Lucky number 14, plz?
Go Pens.

PH Staff digs the Douglas Murray trade because:

1. picks are whatever.  If we end up needing them we have plenty of assets with which to get them back.  But somehow I don't think it's gonna come to that.

2. Does everyone realize what "win now" means?  Shero is trying to fill roster holes by inserting grit.  Morrow is a combo of grit, skill, and veteran presence.  Shero made the trade for morrow on the supposition that good linemates will awaken his skill and drive.  Also, being wanted in Pittsburgh to fulfill a role means a lot.  A lot that he wasn't getting in Dallas.  As for our good friend Crankshaft, he hasn't played well in about two years and that's because SAN JOSE IS A FUCKING MESS.  But his body is huge and he will brutalize people.

Also his perfect head.

god he is so good

Not what you think of when you think Swedish defenseman but we'll bite.

come to us boo

we don't really care if you can skate super well but please wreck somebody on your way to the corner thx

non-Pens fans trolling that the Pens got a 33-year-old and 37-year-old at the expense of future draft picks and a prospect.  What, because we didn't do well enough getting idk Crosby, Malkin, Jordan Staal, Kris Letang, MAF, Beau Bennett, Simon Despres?  are we supposed to cry about the fact that two of our recent draft picks have been huge factors this season and that WE HAVE ALREADY BEEN THROUGH A REBUILDING STAGE THAT WON US THE FUCKING STANLEY CUP?  are we supposed to be like nooooo that's our future there in the second round and we'll never compete for a Cup again or what?

Murray and Morrow have huge chances to re-make their careers in Pittsburgh and we've seen it happen before.  And recently.
Bill Guerin.  Matt Niskanen.
remember the Hal Gill trade?  jesus

bye

go pens

If ever you were still undecided on whether or not Ray Shero and Dan Bylsma wanted this team to win the Stanley Cup this year or every year, you got it today when the Pens traded Joe Morrow for Brenden Morrow and swapped picks with the Dallas Stars.
Ray Shero must have something on Nieuwendyk because we don't know why he keeps agreeing to these trades. Or maybe they're in love. Who knows. Because the deals do work for the Pens and the Stars, in theory. Goligoski is putting numbers up, after all. And this deal is hardly the caliber of highway robbery we knew and loved with the Goligoski/Neal+Niskanen deal. This is a statement deal. Shero deals his top prospect that hasn't broken into the NHL because of slow development and stiff competition from an oversized Frenchman in Despres (Morrow) for a 37-year-old rent-a-player (another Morrow), much in the style of the Bill Guerin deal. None of us knew how amazing the Guerin deal was going to be, not only for the Pens' Cup run but for the deepest recesses of our souls and ovaries. Billy G, we'd marry you ten times. Serious.

We don't expect to be delivering Manhattans to Brenden Morrow in our underwear on the deck of a stolen cruise ship anytime soon, but he was the captain of the Stars, and provides a veteran presence lacking on the Pens. Vokoun is the oldest Penguin and we love him but he's a bit of a silent warrior. Craigsy and Mark Eaton are close as well, they have definitely been through The Shit, but they were always going to be role players. Brenden Morrow has a chance to be more than a role player for the Pens. He has the chance to be a lot of things. He's older and the general consensus among people who pay attention to the Stars on the reg is that he has been kind of asstastic this year so far.
But if there's anything that can make you hoist yourself out of the basement, it's the promise of a good linemate. The Crosby line is probably set but Malkin and Sutter could both see looks with him.
But we don't know what yet, because we have to deal with Fucking Philadelphia.
could be interesting.

Oh yeah and no Gene or Kris "Unicorn" Letang tonight.

MOST SHADES OF THE DISTANT PAST
Jeffrey line comes out flying and makes DJ look like a future hall of famer.
The first six minutes, however, produce just one shot.
People who we aren't sure why they're still in the NHL include Max Talbot (who appears to have bathed before the game today), Tyler Kennedy, and Kimmo Timonen.
Despres, safe at home for where he'll hopefully be for a long time, did some kind of sick move going deep and backhanded one on Bryz.
TK proved to us that he has a few skills left by zigzagging into the slot.
WE'RE HOME. So far the Flyers are the Flyers and we haven't even started killing each other's families yet.

MOST TREACHERY
The Flyers ice the puck and try to make a line change. Laviolette gets an eyeful of the ref's sac for trying to put on Rinaldo.
Couple shifts later Flyers are in the box, for a dubious elbow. But I guess we'll have to take it.
Pens can't score on it despite excellent puck control. We've seen that script before.
Kennedy is hungry for some reason. Ridiculously awake. Must really hate Philly, no other explanation.
This period has flown, thankfully. Nothing to show for the pace. No goals in the Pens-Flyers game? Really?
Is this treason?

???
The second period is like, what. We don't know what's happening. Steiggy informs us that Hartnell got benched last game which makes us LOL because we remember when he was an All-Star and everyone said he was some kind of god because he was playing with Giroux.
Shero is in the broadcast booth for like 10 minutes or something talking and it doesn't matter that Steiggy isn't calling the game because nothing happens. Except Martin took a penalty. No idea what the penalty was. Steiggy doesn't either.

LEADERSHIP
EXPERIENCE
ETC
oh the Flyers on a PP no one cares
this might be when you want someone to call the game.

Giroux gets a bounce and buries it.

Mother of Christ Fuck Jesus
no reports of a torch being passed are yet released.
But Kunitz does go to the dressing room after a stupid hit by Rinaldo. God is dead.
We always complain about Pens/Flyers becoming special teams battles from hell but maybe THERE'S A REASON FOR THAT.

MOST SUBTLE SIGNS
Kunitz returns quickly. Apparently he's not dead. Sid's line in Bryzgalov's balls but cannot score.
The third will begin on this note but we still feel dirty because Rinaldo is still in the room.
Somehow we're not feeling this the way we normally "feel" these things--but it's up to the Pens, of course, to prove us wrong.
Doesn't start out great. Fleury loses his stick a bunch, lots of chances for Sid's line but no dice, Fleury has to stand extra fucking tall and Zolnerczyk is worthless so pokes a golden chance a mile wide. my god
Crosby line continues to threaten but nothing is getting in. The Flyers don't play this aggressively against literally anyone else.
what the fuck is happening
MOMENT RIGHT BEFORE YOU STARTED PRACTICING SATANIC RITUALS IN PRIVATE
Just when you think the Flyers are going to take the body every time, Simmonds does something stupid while Orpik is making an innocent play in his own zone and the Pens will go to the PP.
Kunitz fucking splits the D as the Flyers defense is blinded by Sidney Crosby sucking. Kunitz hooked on the way to the goal. Almost a penalty shot. But not. Oh Kimmo Timonen, thanks for being you and taking that penalty.
Crosby then sucked some more all over Bryzgalov's face like 20 seconds later:

swagger for daysssss, Captain
boom
and another 1:29 of PP.

The game is wide open after the next play. Everyone is mad. Flyers are pissed they didn't get more than one goal, are probably trying to argue with the refs about the metaphysical definition of the word goal.
Pens don't score on the second PP but still look hungry. We can put away the chalk and sage now. At least it's not a curse.

BIGGEST PRAYERS
Flyers are ready to score. Orpik with an egregious giveaway leads to 8 Flyers chances. Just wasn't paying attention to what he was doing. Brooksie do you need a hug? Or a new butcher's knife?
Sutter just straight up ices the puck because everyone is bad and he wants them to know that he is done with this shit.
Icing call ultimately worth it.
DJ has a totally ballin' chance a little bit later but he doesn't shoot it because he hesitated for just a second. Ugh. Tried to pass, what a mess.
everything is a mess, we're hurting over it.
Coburn completely smears Dupuis at the very end of regulation. No idea what's going on. Disgusting boarding call. Dupes is going to the dressing room. Ugh. Mess.

OVERTIME THAT LAUNCHED A THOUSAND SHIPS
Quick commercial break and Dupes is back on the bench for OT. Thank god.
Flyers look like they are going to put it away again but MAF somehow holds the fort. Dupes gets on for his first OT shift. Sets a screen for TK. No idea why they're the two forwards on the ice for this shift. Don't care. TK roofed it. He loves showing up against the sickly orange. He must really want to not get traded for a bag of pucks to Calgary or something.

Tyler has never been happier.

The ponies are running free in the pasture.

PENS WINNNN
2-1 OT
TK etc is this 2008 or what?

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS
HOORAY WE THINK YOU BATHED TODAY

Max Talbot did not show up at CONSOL looking like this mess so we were somewhat proud.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS

1. DJ - hungry like the wolf

2. Dupes: was a force all day.  and then was a hero.

3. Mark Eaton - because, the man is silently carrying like 20 minutes a night and is flawless

The Isles are the worst.
It's just so little-brother-ish of them to be the way they are, and be around...just...constantly. 
We have to try to get into a zen frame of mind when it comes to Isles hockey. 
Just so we don't have to rip our teeth out.
Let's get this over with.

MOST INTERESTING MOTIVE
Everyone was asleep for the first few minutes.
We're going to go ahead and call "residual daylight savings effects" because, well, why not.
All of a sudden, Martin tries to mount Craigsy.
As if he were a pony.
We are all uncomfortable. We're not sure if it was a fight gone awry, or overwhelming desire.

Bromance?
Who's to say?

WORST
After a very relaxing commercial break, the Isles have to immediately go and bring down the mood.

To quote a friend from high school:
"Get the drunk bitch out the hot tub, she's bringing down the mood. Drainnnnnn."

But the really terrible part was the rest of the first period, because you'd rather eat one of those butter sculptures from the county fair than have to sit through another period where we looked so tired. 

Eat it all.

GREATEST CAMPAIGN
It's starting to get scary in the second period - is this going to be the butter thing all over again?
But nah, Vokoun does some awesome things, Nabby had to sweat over a few close calls. It isn't totally boring, so it's a huge upgrade. We need a hero, though, to push us over the line.

Vitale, dark horse candidate for the "hero" position, puts one behind Nabby, and it's pretty much the highlight of the night. 

MOST USELESS SUPERPOWER
Vokoun spends a whole five minutes of robbing the Isles of hard shots left and right. 
It's becoming sort of a rampage. You know it's bad that the D isn't stopping this, but you know, maybe this will be a HISTORIC MOMENT for Vokoun?!

Wishful thinking is our hidden power.
Still, great showing from Vokoun overall in the second.

The clock's almost out for the second, and it's depressing to think that we might  go into intermission behind. 

SEXIEST REMINDER
OH WAIT
DAT LINE.
The first line makes magic happen, of course, and Kunitz gets it in.
Media - what are you, hourly?
Ugh. 

We go into the break tied.

MOST CONSIDERATE
As is usual, the Penguins both hear and respond to our complaints. 
Just another Friday.
Sutter was worried we wouldn't be entertained in the third. 
He wants to prove that they woke up and everything is okay.

How much does it hurt you that you will NEVER HAVE A HUG THAT AMAZING.
 

BIGGEST MELTDOWN
The Isles just start to fall apart. Again.
They even get a PP and it's just...so sad. 
It's tears for them. 

We kick it back and forth for a while, and then they pull Nabby for the extra attacker. 
They FURIOUSLY defend the empty net. More furiously than they have played all game. 
But finally, so close to the buzzer it had to be reviewed, Dupes puts in number 4.

PENS WIN

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

BEST ACID TRIP

OH THE SATURATION.
What member of the media is turning in this work? 
Seriously?

ALT THREE STARS
1. Gin. For fueling this post.
2. Garageleague, for everything it does for us

LOOK AT NEAL AND DUPES. LOOK AT THEM. 
AGAIN AND AGAIN.
3. Find the third star, lurking in the background.

Thanks to this wonderful person.

Okay, seriously though, 
enough with the Isles. 
Stop it.
GET OUT OF OUR ROOM. 
Ughhh.

11 and counting.
Go Pens

The Caps are a hot fucking mess. And Adam Oates apparently doesn't think this schedule is pretty much the same as it was, say, in an Olympic year or whatever the fuck.
Cry more idk.
Letang is hurt. Gene might be back Friday. ugh.

MOST PREDICTABLE
The Caps take a dumb penalty against the Crosby line within 2 minutes of puck drop. We learn that Brooks Laich is back in the lineup for the first time this year. We've always had respect for Laich. He is probably the last calming presence in the entire locker room. The last soldier in a dying army.
Pens can't get anything going on that power play--again, without Letang and Malkin, we could have told you that. Sid can only do so much.
It's okay, we'll get another chance.
Sid almost feeds Paul Martin on The Whitney Play. Flashbacks.

The Caps are awake. We knew they would be. Fleury and Holtby already in death match mode. Steiggy doesn't know how to narrate this many people passing the puck. It's hard for him.
This game hasn't had much notable happen in it, other than amazing saves, for so much back and forth.
How was this period a thing again? Is it really already over?
Man we didn't expect this at all.
Granted if it weren't for Laich and Holtby we'd probably be drowning in glitter right now.
Everyone decides at the end that Captain Ovechkin was violated by BeauBeau. So that was a penalty. And yet still nothing happens. The next period's mood could be tangentially decided by the position of an eyelash on Pascal Dupuis' face. It's that wide open.

INTERMISSION NOTE
It angers PH Staff that the Caps have played themselves into being totally irrelevant. We almost miss being pissed at them all the time for being part of the NBC-fueled fapfest of the post-lockout NHL and the potential topical nature of a Crosby/Ovechkin comparison graphic covered in gradients.
We feel bad for Ovi because he's like a living Centralia of hockey.
He burns for nothing.
C'mon Capitals can't you just make us a little angrier? Yes maybe this taunting is ill advised.
Also:

Nisky may have fixed his hair sitch. huge

HUGEST BALLS
MAF is all over this shit. Doesn't care that the Caps are giving this everything. When Bennett gets out of the box Alzner breaks up a fucking 3 on 1. Penguins you can be way more pissed off than this.
MAF stands tall on Backstrom. The shots already in the second are 5-0 Caps. Maybe we taunted them too much? Maybe the comparison graphic is lurking in the wings.

But we'll need those balls because Kunitz is called for tripping. Steiggy and Errey are talking about how much they like the word "quaternary" and arguing about who the referee is.

BIGGEST SHELL OF A PERSON
Ovechkin scored on the PP. We can smell the desperation. If we lose this game it's because we let it depress us too much.

omg so hard to not feel for that Caps fan kid on the glass whose life is probably at an all-time-high point
hope he's in it for love of the game
hope he's in it for the long haul
poor, poor, poor kid.

MOST BELATED ANGER
Pens get a PP because Chimera was a bitch. Pens are getting these shots on Holtby that he can see from the parking lot of the Squirrel Hill Whole Foods.
Holtby is flawless. When Bennett misses an easy layup, you are feeling Fear.
But the puck gets back to Martin at the center point. He's so over this. He's officially pissed. Goal. Errey intones, gravely, that Martin now has more goals than Malkin. We'll take it. Holy hell will we ever.
AMERICA

what a face

Despres' mind is blown.

MOST BIZARRE OMEN

Who brings this unless they are trying to get Steiggy and Errey's attention to find out where they get their weed.

Vitale takes a late period tripping penalty as a result of the Fear. But we make it out of the period alive.
The third period is going to have to be more evenly packed.


Reach out touch faith.

OH NO
via @Rick_City our very good friend:

Give it up, NBC. twitpic.com/ccrvb4

— Rick (@Rick_City) March 20, 2013

Really this shit right now?

GRAPHIC YOU CAN PRINT OUT IN HARD COPY AND BURN
see above
Sid's line has the most unbelievable shift but nothing happens. Players like Bennett and Despres, our tiny babies, are showing up huge in the absence of their Hairspiration (it's Kris Letang's official title at the Vatican).

Finally the game is picking up, but Matt Cooke forgot this isn't 2009 and apparently boarded Ovechkin.
This is a fucking four minute penalty for this shit.

like a calving glacier

is our ship up to the swell?

Pens have Cooke's back through the first penalty.
AND THE SECOND. Possibly the most heroic penalty kill in the regular season that we can remember. MAF, Engo, Sutter, Brooksie, everyone had a role in that. Especially MAF.

MOST MATTHEWS
Sid up-ice. Cooke's out of the box. Gets the puck from Sid. Dishes it to Niskanen.
He does Not Fucking Miss.

must be really hard to be a Capital in this moment.  Fan reaction scathing.  Guy in the Malkin (?) powder blue feels like he just had a really successful first date.

OMG
it's games like these where you are getting goals from your solid-ass defensemen that you realize you are doing all right.
A mic from the broadcast falls on the ice forcing ROOT to stall so we get another comparative graphic.

my god
And Errey is talking about cheese. Dupuis is breaking up Ovechkin's magic on the rush.
All is right with the world.

LEAST TIME TO FUCK THIS UP
Pens look aggressive and rude and full of blood.
Before we know it, it's a minute and a half left.
Then 44 seconds. Like nine icing calls. Caps really want this. But MAF is home and has turned the porch lights off.
Sid has the puck at center but hits the goal post.
Caps take a penalty with 2.9 seconds left.
SERIOUSLY BROOKS LAICH YOU HAD SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE YOU RETURNING IN PLACE OF YOUR ABSENT DAD BRUCE TO SET THE SITUATION STRAIGHT AT THE FAMILY FARM JESUS CHRIST

come on

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

PLEASE TELL US WE AREN'T THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO DON'T SEE THE RESEMBLANCE BETWEEN KRIS AND CALEB FROM THE AWARD-WINNING ABC FAMILY DRAMA PRETTY LITTLE LIARS OH THE WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS ROMANCE IS WRENCHING OUR GUTS


PERSON WE MISS THE MOST
Mark Letestu of the Columbus Blue Jackets

 

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Sid. 2 points
2. Engo, 5 blocked shots
3. Paul Martin: 1 big time goal, 28 fucking minutes

let us pray,
go pens
10 straight games bitches