Listen, Brandon. YES, you. THAT Brandon.
You realize that you play for a team that employs Sean Avery?
You also realize that almost everyone in the league commits questionable plays at one time or another?
And that it's considered relatively professional to move on from these moments and accept them as part of your career?
Still calling shenanigans on this, too.
Bottom line: Brandon, if you want to throw sand in the sandbox, don't be surprised if someone throws sand back at you.
And please stop hoarding all of the shiny pails.
Listen, Brandon. YES, you. THAT Brandon.
You may be wondering why there are 66 o's in the wooo of the title.·
Interestingly enough, Mario's number just so happened to come up when I held in the o too long because I am drunk! I then thought it would be fun to point out an excess of o's due to intoxication, but when I did a character count, it just happened.
Okay, first of all, HOW ABOUT THIS FREAKING WINNING STREAK?!?!?
We all know that the Pens were doing kind of shitty.
But now we are third in the league, and we will in fact be ignoring the whole part where we have 5 games on DET. Jerks.
Really, what you're looking at is the crushing reality of the fact that you are following two girls (three, if you count our lovely intern) who are in school and currently facing finals time. This means stress, drunkenness, half-baked ideas, and strange sexual desires and urges to watch goalie fights on youtube until 3 AM while avoiding writing a paper for Patterns in Social Service Delivery or whatever they hell they call classes these days.·
Drink it in, everyone.
It's something special.
So, here's a half baked version of awards, just for you, because we don't mind putting off that paper just a few more hours for a hockey game and some wonderful people (that's you.)
MOST ALARMING TRANSITION
Well, even if this photo doesn't quite show it, MAF has recently gone from your goofy older brother to that hilarious hot guy who sits diagonally from you in your history seminar.·
We'd never step on Veronique's toes, but let's just say we briefly had a time machine, could go back and make her have never been in his life, get with him around this time, go back, and put her back in his life, we would do it.
But really, those are the only circumstances. We love that lady. Deeply.
In fact, if she invited us...
Well. Let's not go too far here.
THE STRANGEST PHOTO AWARD
EDITOR'S NOTE: THIS IS WHERE I WAS FUCKING WRITING THE ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS AND JOOMLA DECIDED TO DELETE MY ENTIRE POST OMG NOW I HAVE TO REWRITE THE WHOLE ENTIRE THING, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. It is going to be so half baked from here on out, guys, seriously, I do not have all night to fight with technology.
Anyway, this photo is straight up out of a 1970s textbook on hockey.
From the chapter " The 1-2-2 trap and how to bribe the commissioner with sexual favors."
THE THING THAT HAPPENED NEXT AWARD
Something happened and then something else, and then press knew that this photo needed to be taken.
Tanger was a hero, to be blunt. When we needed him to be, because things had gotten kind of boring and scary.
OUR PRESIDENT AND SAVIOR
Conner scored a goal and was outrageous and awesome. No one took a picture of it.
However, a certain man that we elected into the office assisted, and then later went to arms for the sake of his country. Someone did, in fact, take a photograph of that one.
MOST WORTHLESS THING
No one took a picture of this, either, but luckily the same thing happened 364 days ago anyway, so we can use that photograph if we use some imagination and ignore some details.
ONLY INDIVIDUAL AWARD AND ALTERNATIVE STAR
The case of PBR I found in my kitchen.
For comforting me when Joomla deleted my entire post, and for taking the pain of writing a million papers away from me.
God, I am so angry right now. But at least the Pens are on a bitchin' streak and it will continue until the end of time and I will never have to worry about anything ever again in my entire life.
Hair League page has received its updates.
Brent Johnson has overtaken Pascal Dupuis as the lead point-getter.
Dude never wears a hat when he's on the bench. We questioned those of you who picked Beej at the beginning of the season, but he is proving to be a surprise hair prospect.
Every game we get a shot of him on the bench? 10 points.
Or anytime there is a good photo of him.
Would you like to do some coloring? Click for a little bigger.
Also let us know if we missed anything major Hair League-wise. Yuengling and vodka made sure we were somewhat disoriented this Thanksgiving weekend.
Something we forgot to mention about the CEC experience last post: someone should get those poor ice girls t-shirts that fit. We are concerned about their working conditions.
ETA: HOW THE BALLS DID WE NOT KNOW ABOUT THE CLUTTERSTACHE. Maybe it's something we weren't meant to know.
OH HEY, look at what team is currently the hottest in the NHL after raising all kinds of uncomfortable questions about consistency!
But, we could just enjoy this for what it was, which is: a pure win on a pure day. We woke up to snow. We drove to Pittsburgh with sandwiches and our toes basically froze off getting tickets and having good conversation with Rush Line Friends. But it was clearly worth it:
There were some shenanigans of interest.
The Flames kept attacking the Pens at random moments. Regehr notably tossed Ktang into Fleury in a fit of ill-advised rage.
And Engelland dropped some joke.
This was our first experience at CEC, by the way. Our verdict is that it's amazing.
Except the lack of shady concrete wall above the players' lot so you can jeer the visitors' bus and inspect the tailoring of everyone's dress pants.
And, you know, cheer and see the boys without being in it for the autographs.
RIP The Wall At Mellon Arena.
Other than that, and maybe a little too much Ryan Mill, nearly flawless arena experience. Can't go wrong with a hat trick. Around half the present fans stuck around for Sid's postgame interview with Potash and they were nearly far too loud for it to continue. His huge, goofy smile and muttered "thank yous" were all you needed to know. Dude's on cloud nine. He's 23, he's the best at what he does, and Brother Steven is slightly behind him in the points race. Things are looking up for the Pittsburgh Penguins. If only they could get the Wall back. Then everything would be perfect.
Gene played great. He's about due for an explosion of awesome.
You know that as soon as they pulled Kiprusoff Crosby'd be on the ice, by the way.
Oh, the spirit of competition.
We love hockey season.
If anyone was wondering where we were, Pinnacle found us about midday, wondering the streets naked and mumbling something about a mission involving a $3 toaster that we did not accomplish. It took us into its loving arms and caressed us back into warmth and happiness with a side of root beer.·
If ever we are missing, be sure the cause is alcohol related.·
In some cases, sex. In many, both.
Anyway, back at the ranch, safe and sound, we got to watch MAF block 43 shots, "like a boss" if this were 2006 and kids were still saying that.
And if you were still down on the MAF, he went and scored all ya'all who went with him on your hair league teams some major points:
Malkin and Crosby pulled together some old school shit, and if some lucky man finds out about daylife, he's going to have an awesome photo for the albums. Seriously, someone find this guy and let him know this picture exists.
And, of course, Go-Go saved the day in a very close-call situation, and the press was nowhere to be found.
So anyway, tomorrow's game we're hoping to be at, if we can drag ourselves out of bed early enough to get our asses down to the arena in time. If you see us, give us a shout, but not too loud because Pinnacle is a brutal lover. If you don't see us, honor our presence by doing something dangerous and ill-advised, like trying to hijack a zamboni.
Hope everyone's doing just fine and that no one got beat down by a soccer mom today.
Keep on enjoying those leftovers, knowing you're celebrating the genocide of my people.
But really, you can't argue with time off...
Oh look, yesterday was Thanksgiving, the Pens literally play in like 10 minutes.
We are thankful for, among other things, stampedes at big box stores on Black Friday in Fayette County. And people from high school, not to mention people from college, who still update their Facebook statuses with Fight Club quotes. And Rob Rossi's sweaters.
We're probably going to be on-hand for the Flames game tomorrow.
The goal for today is to just avoid the flying semen, as usual.
There really isn't a ton we can say about this game. Pens had a dominant first period, kind of fell off, Sabres took the fuck over.
If you Google the babySwede that the Sabres started in goal, Google initially believes that you have typed incorrectly and meant to search for:
The Jonas Brothers.
Also Comrie played tonight because of his dad. Cough.
No clue. Not a lot to say about tonight, because not a lot happening. But I mean, I guess we can roll out the red carpet. I guess.
We miss most of the first period of the game because FSN's truck had a power outage.
In our minds, Ryan Miller probably snipped the power cord or something and then went out back to smoke a jay and listen to Arcade Fire on his iPod.
Gaustad was a thug, attacked Malkin and tried to fight Talbot. Totally random.
And the press, for some reason, had a major crush on Colin Butler whose name was not said once this evening:
WHO ARE YOU.
In general, nothing really is happening.
SOLE GLITTERING MOMENT OF HOPE
At some point in the last 5 of the first period, Tyler Myers goes for a sandwich.
Sekera totally forgets that the puck is important. Lets Crosby take it in the vicinity of the goal line. Quick pass to the slot, where Pascal Dupuis is racing in on Enroth completely undefended.
Well would you look at that.
BIT OF TRIVIA YOU ARE LEAST LIKELY TO FORGET
Tyler Myers is 6'8". Bob Errey reminded us approximately five hundred times.
He also watches Desperate Housewives.
MOST INTERESTING CONVERSATION
Bobby: The National Hockey League has made this building so cold. . .it's really not enjoyable anymore.
Steiggy: THANK GOODNESS FOR THE HOT CHOCOLATE BOBBY YOU HAD DURING THE INTERMISSION
Meanwhile people are attacking each other viciously on the ice. Honest to god nothing is happening. The most interesting thing ever was at second intermission when Potash finished a segment and then went "WHEEE"
BEST EXISTENCE ON DEFENSE
Everyone in the third but especially Fleury since the Sabres didn't score.
Engelland makes some amazing play on Pominville to prevent a goal. There are no photos. All heroes this game are unsung.
Pens have ridiculous difficulty getting pucks out, and it's crunch mode. You imagine coming home to Rick Orpik after a bad turnover in your mite game and you see the tired eyes, the piercing stare. You really don't want this to happen. But the Sabres are pissed and they want everything. We're flat. We're we're we're
YEP, STILL A COCK COZY
KTang. . .
extremely disinterested girl behind him has no idea what's going on.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Deryk Engelland. A for Effort.
2. Pascal Dupuis and this awkward picture. Since he scored the goal and all.
3. MAF OBVIOUSLY. because I mean he deserves all the stars.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. We will express what we are Thankful for as people.
In marry, fuck, or kill, we would:
Sir Mario. Because really, why wouldn't you? You realize that if you killed him, you're committing a heinous religious offense, right?
Ruutu. Because he would take us to metal concerts and would probably be cool with us screwing other people from time to time.
McCabe. No particular reason, other than he wears a C, and that might be cool.
Sid. Because we're not sure he's dicked anything that isn't named Lord Stanley, and that's fucking purity right there.
Miikka. Oh god something about this would be so good.
Vokoun. We are pretty sure Vokoun is a robot which might be exciting. Also his eyes are really pretty in this picture.
LeUnicorn. Well, for purposes of the game, we'd try, but chances are teenage girls and middle-aged men would be standing between us and the goal. He'll probably live. Let's be honest.
Teemu. Could have been a game-changer if he didn't have the mustache this season.
Hordichuk. Because we do not, repeat: DO NOT, support the ragged edge of those breezers.
See? That wasn't so bad, was it? Sabres tomorrow--and guess what, we get to watch on TV!
Happy Thanksgiving and Curry Bless Pittsburgh and Un-Bless everywhere else.
There is never a time when the Penguins venture to BankAtlantic center that we aren't amazed it's still there.
You'd think someplace so absurd and unlikely would have been excised from America and dropped straight into the unforgiving seas.
Nope, let's check. . .
Ugh. It's still there.
FSN introduces us in media res with shots of fine, white sand beaches and gorgeous sunshine. We then proceed indoors, to the arena itself, which is apparently fucking freezing.
The college IT department in which I am currently working a midnight shift is approximately 85 degrees and I am in a wool sweater since it is fucking November outside, people.
I'm sweating and I can barely see straight. Let's get down to business.
MOST (AND THEN CONVERSELY, LEAST) LOVE
The Pittsburgh Penguins, what with their dad's-trip-ness.
You are just overwhelmed with adorableness and thinking about how Marvin Kunitz looks like he sells hoagies at the corner store, and blah blah blah.
30 seconds into the game, my illegal free stream of the game dies and I start whining on Twitter about it.
But apparently some Panther ran Fleury and the Pens were on the power play and they scored like 5 seconds in. Crosby to Martin to Letang. Unicorn explosion.
I would describe it to you, but it was almost like, you had to be there.
MOST FRANKENSTEIN MOMENTS
Eric Godard takes some penalty for skating into Vokoun, but it's not like he knows any better, or like Vokoun isn't even a robot. He was probably straight-legging around like some kind of science experiment gone wrong.
Vokoun is nonplussed.
MOST UNEXPECTED SUCCESS
The Pens manage to get on the power play again. Vokoun misses the departmental memo and starts flipping through his favorite porn bookmarks on his netbook while Sid ends up in the slot.
Vokoun finishes. So does Sid.
This looks like a blown-up background activity from somebody's last known photo on CCTV. Or possibly something out of a Where's Waldo book. Just crushing composition.
At this point I switch to the X and find out that Stillman scored with 35 seconds left. I don't really care because the X is catching up with William Thomas at intermission. Ladies:
Okay, so, that's an old picture lifted from William Thomas Wednesday in which we actually compare his stats to those of Brother Steven Stamkos.
But while my panties are in a pool on the floor, listening to that poor boy talk about how he likes working for the Panthers because "they use the same system up and down the organization", the real world is gearing up for the second period.
The temperature in the IT department rises to 90 degrees. BILL THOMAS COME HOME.
BEST PERFORMANCE BY A TRAFFIC CONE THIS EVENING
I am scrambling trying to figure out what is going on in the wake of Bill Thomas existing and Internet feeds letting me down. I hear a static-riddled message come down the line that Bylsma has used his timeout on an icing call.
It isn't much longer until Bryan McCabe scores.
Dmitry Kulikov comes down from the mountain troll village in which he lives to congratulate. On the way down, he asked us for some Rice Krispies treats.
We said no.
WORST POWER PLAY
This one goes to the Panthers. This is a real award, too--we didn't have to make it up.
Penalties are going quickly because the Panthers suck.
With the PK momentum Crosby in is in Kill Everyone mode, setting up Ben Lovejoy for one-timers that he can't possibly accept passes for and just generally wrecking the universe.
BEST SECURITAS OFFICER
The rest of the second period is a mystery to me because I have to go help a security guard named Manuel with his computer.
But, the Pens didn't get scored on and create Chernobyl while I was gone, so it must have been good luck.
Everyone give it up for Manuel.
BEST FARM TEAM MOMENT
The third starts with epic amounts of flailing by both teams. No one can get the puck. Every moment spent in every zone is a disaster waiting to happen. Reasoner comes out flying, but doesn't make anything in particular happen, because he's Marty Reasoner. Repik takes some kind of penalty, and then Ktang gets away with interference chasing after a loose puck, or so the six screaming Panthers fans thought as the penalty started to wind down.
It expires but the Pens don't care. Vokoun drops his netbook. He lies down on top of a puck. He wishes his dad were here.
Fleury is keeping the Pens in it. Nobody is breathing.
Then Letestu and Conner come down the right side like they are on a pond or some shit.
Conner puts it in.
Garth Letestu and John Conner probably hug somewhere.
Unreal kids' mouth in the top left corner.
AND PONIES FOR ALL. 3-2
BEST CZECH MOMENT
Pens take some penalty late in the game.
Craig Adams and Brooks Orpik are on murder patrol while Adams doesn't even have a stick.
Michalek doesn't care about Frolik and gives the best block ever. The Czech defense is like a pregnancy.
We're busy mocking the Panthers' PP because it's like making fun of obese people in high school. But at least the Pens' PP did shit tonight so we have room to talk.
Period winds down. Everyone is dying horribly. Along the boards, around the net, in the corners. Vokoun is out of the net, but we can't give it any more love.
David Booth attacks Sidney Crosby because he can't handle being alive anymore.
But our work here is done.
Feels like a normal regular season win ought to feel and we didn't even scream too much or try to kill ourselves.
RUNNER UP FOR BEST CZECH MOMENT/BEST RESULT FOR "PITTSBURGH PENGUINS PANTHERS" ON DAYLIFE.COM
The Jagr Starter Jacket.
TWO VOTED MOST LIKELY TO BE STARING STRAIGHT INTO YOUR SOUL
Marc-Andre Fleury and Max Talbot
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Garth Letestu - for producing Mark Letestu
2. William Thomas - please come home
3. Zbynek Michalek - thanks a lot boo bear
Sabres on Wednesday.
Tomorrow is a Travel Day.
Our own reasoning for Marry, Fuck, or Kill choices will be presented concisely with references and a bibliography (except not).
Welcome to the first official rounds of Marry, Fuck, or Kill:
The PH Version.
Here are the rules, for those of you unfortunate enough to have missed this in the back of the junior high school bus.
We present you with three individuals and you must choose which you would marry, fuck, or kill. Simple enough.
The selections are intentionally difficult. Traditionally the selection consists of three people who are beloved by all and you must select which you would hypothetically kill, three disgusting humans and you must figure out which you could stomach to marry or make sweet love to, or three individuals who are ambiguous in worth and you must carefully justify your seemingly random decision.
Dudes, you are welcome to play.
In fact, if you don't, you are probably a closeted homosexual.
If you are in fact a closeted homosexual, we suggest today be the day you show the world who you really are by picking the hockey player you'd most like to bang.
So, let's get this started.
(We're going to use recent photos, as using the best old ones seems unfair. PREPARE YOURSELVES.)
Sir Mario Lemieux
And, in honor of tomorrow's game
Now, leave your selections and guilty explanations in the comments so that we can mock one another for our terrible decisions.
Also, the hair league has been updated so you can go check out how your team is doing and pray to the follicle gods to bless you with great bounce and shine. Also, in case you haven't seen this hilarious article that we stole the Sid picture from, here's the link. It's been out there for a while, but we like to make sure you guys don't miss things, just in case.
We hope that everyone's weekend is awesome.