The Bruins coming to town was probably going to be fun.
Of course, we had no idea of the frolic we would have.
. . .for 40 minutes.
Tim is fat.
Tomorrow's a holiday.
Recap then when we manage to cleanse ourselves from the radiation of fucking Chernobyl.
The Bruins coming to town was probably going to be fun.
Cassie DePalo losers she is from Canada
(In exactly those fonts.)
That Cal is a stone cold pimp?
Yeah, sure, all wholesome and nice.
The name of this photo on flikr is:
"Cal and my wife."
GETTIN' PRETTY COZY THERE, CAL.
We're just saying, don't underestimate Cal.
But don't be afraid to ask questions. Such as "Why are his shoulders so small?"
In case you didn't know it took us until very recently to realize that it is fucking November. Posts will now be categorized as "November" posts, not that it really matters to you at home.
Stoosh gave Fleury the Cobra Scorpion Whiskey this morning.
WHY DID WE NOT THINK OF THIS SOONER.
We also have a new sidebar poll.
Vote soon! The fate of Western civilization depends on it.
Also this, from @MissSinBin on twitter:
Something more interesting later.
It would be really, really daft of us to say at this point that the Pens haven't been inconsistent and disappointing. What happened in Anaheim almost wasn't surprising. We felt it. We knew it was over long before we declared it to ourselves. Getting two points out of anything was going to be tough. Like giving blowjobs out of practice.
What happened tonight wasn't expected at all.
Somehow, there was drive. After being down twice in the game, the Pens didn't give up. They held on. Brent Johnson made the big saves--that's right, Brent Johnson.
This is not the place to come for hate, analysis, or criticism.
We celebrate life. We celebrate coming out on the other side.
MOST EPIC BEGINNINGS, EXCEPT NOT FOR US
The Coyotes already have the Epic Press on their side when they come out. They even have a sound effect of a howling Coyote, which we for some reason totally failed to notice until now. Oh hockey culture and the tacky things that you make possible.
Audible Let's Go Pens chant at the beginning gives way to Belanger scoring after Engelland totally gave up on him for some reason.
Fleury haters start hitting up nhlnumbers.com trying to figure out if we can trade for Luongo or something, then flip the game off and start looking around their basement apartments for the SpeedStick they think they saw under the bed last week, and yell up to their moms about particular missing socks.
GOAL THAT WE STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND
The puck goes in, referee signals a tripping call on the play. Then there is some talk in Toronto. Bizarre, lengthy conversation. Was the whistle blown? The world may never know. Some stammering, suspect ginger says that the "call on the ice stands" and that there is a goal.
Does Radim Vrbata think this is a goal? Does he really? Well I mean, he'll take it. In our imaginations, this is the point at which Fleury is taken away by the authorities in handcuffs, muttering under his breath about his innocence, to an acoustic guitar riff borrowed from "The Mercy Seat."
Brent Johnson is in goal when the officials stop rubbing their balls all over the line to the War Room.
Fleury does not take his mask off.
Brooksie rallies the troops, gets ready to go Hannibal Lecter on some motherfuckers.
MOMENT THAT YOUR RAGE MOST BLINDED YOU TO THE TRUTH
Some distressing sequences. Vrbata is everywhere. There's a great sequence where Comrie keeps trying to find his dick instead of accepting passes. We let up a 3-on-1 that Brooks apparently made a defensive play on. Pens go crazy in front of Bryz and Crosby thinks he has a goal, but he's dead wrong, and it doesn't matter anyway because the officials call some phantom interference on Dupuis. They spend some more time on the phone. Toronto is like STOP FUCKING CALLING US YOU PUSSIES.
Replays later show that this was just off the crossbar and back out, but it's the only glimmer of hope for us to cling to.
If we keep playing like this, we'll be fine?
Another shitty power play happens, Pens look flat to end the period. Ugh.
BEST INTERMISSION INTERVIEW POSSIBLY OF ALL TIME
No one ever questions why Brooks wears the A, because he gives interviews looking like this, and speaking words of wisdom:
Also because he'll probably kill you if you question him.
Bob Errey is always one of the greater joys in our lives.
He warns us at the end of first intermission that THIS ONE'S GOING TO GET EXCITING.
You're like Bobby, don't jinx it. He's sharpening his skates in the press box in case he has to go down and suit up.
Both teams are feeling out the period for awhile, Bryz and Johnson both making saves that seem huge at the time.
Some idiot gives the puck away to Sidney Crosby in front of Bryzgalov. He gets rid of it before you even know he's got it. Goal.
OH HEY YEAH IT'S GREAT WE HAVE SIDNEY CROSBY RIGHT BUT WHERE'S EVGENI MALKIN
OH SORRY I'M OVER HERE IN THIS HUG I JUST SCORE
So, I guess it did get exciting.
MOST ENTERTAINING INTERLUDES
Teams vomit around a little in the neutral zone. Talbot has his like second noteworthy shift of the year. Pens kill a penalty or something, Steiggy and Errey are talking about how Errey always went and got the 5 cent packs of hockey cards to look for Bobby Orr and get some gum.
Engelland and Bissonnette drop the gloves and don't do much but it's just cool to see @BizNasty2point0 at it again.
Vernon Fiddler exists, much to our delight.
Johnson with an unbelievable save on Taylor Pyatt.
Then, Steiggy and Errey start expounding upon the importance of the third goal in this game, which is never a good sign.
TEMPORARY NOTICE OF POLISH BOYFRIEND SUSPENSION
Wojtek we can't even. And if you try to throw us off a porch because of this relationship sabbatical we will have to get Curry involved.
So we're back to where we were before.
Malkin keeps shooting the puck wide and the Pens blow a 5-on-3 at a crucial moment. Bryzgalov seeing everything.
But there's plenty of time left. At leas that's what we keep telling ourselves.
GOAL THAT YOU FELT COMING FOR SO LONG THAT IT HURT
Late in the period, Hanzal takes some elbowing penalty, and you're already like "can we decline this one?"
The boys start working a cycle though, without really getting any shots away. Around and around and around. Letestu is behind the net with two options to pass; the Coyotes and Bryzgalov focus on Crosby. Letestu passes to Kunitz instead. OH WAIT GOAL
Mark Letestu: smarter than all's ya'll.
PERIODS THAT WERE VERY EXCITING WITHOUT ANY SCORING GOING ON
Third period team?
Nah. We'll take our sweet time.
Radim Vrbata's sac is in our mouths.
Steiggy says Sid is playing every shift as if "the fate of the Western Civilization depends on it" as if that actually means anything, and is way too proud of himself for saying so.
Sid, Letestu, Michalek all have chances at one point or another.
But it goes to overtime, and no progress is made there either.
Pens even get a 4 on 3 power play for 1:21, but if you thought they were going to score there, you had the incorrect hero in mind.
MOST PREGNANCIES INCURRED DURING SHOOTOUT
Radim Vrbata is the first to shoot on Johnson, who makes him look like a child with his Holy Pokecheck.
Sid shoots at Bryzgalov's left pad. Sad.
Johnson stops Wolski. Wolski attacks him in a rage. Shame there are no porches around.
Letang does something completely uncreative.
And Korpikoski shoots it wide because he's stupid.
Who's up next? Just Mark Letestu.
MOST DRAMATIC PORTRAIT NOT RELEVANT TO THE REST OF THIS RECAP
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Letestu. How does he not get a real star? Unbelievable.
2. Ilya Bryzgalov - :( sorry
3. Paul Martin - 29 minutes. Engelland basically got shit on after his bad play on the Belanger goal. So everyone else picked up the slack. THANKS PAUL.
Pens don't play til Wednesday, YES WE ACTUALLY PLAN ON ENTERTAINING YOU THIS TIME.
Hair League has been updated.
I mean I know that's the only reason you visit this blog. It can't be for the insightful hockey commentary. Or even the dick jokes.
or pictures of dicks in costumes.
Though those are all good reasons.
Today we want to bring you answers to your questions, which might be as follows:
- Why is the Pens power play so bad?
- Where is the universal drive and energy in our core players?
- What might the morale situation be for Mike Comrie at this point?
- What is the state of hockey journalism today? (Hint: bad)
First order of business is absolutely this. On Monday, Seth Rorabaugh will be meeting with the Big Deals at the Post-Gazette about the future of Empty Netters. He is, according to his Twitter (@emptynetters), not optimistic.
Here is his appeal and information about how to write his bosses about how you feel about EN.
Please be respectful and remind them how amazing Seth's skillz are. He reports the hell out of everything he posts. There isn't any other hockey blog we can think of that is so consistently full of interesting information. Save Empty Netters. He doesn't 'shop dicks into things and call it content, but I mean, there's us for that.
Now, onto the Pens.
We have no answers for you, other than that. . .yeah.
Maybe sexual frustration.
We think that if we don't see a glimmer of effort in Anaheim and Phoenix, it might be time to start calling some people out. Though with all possible honesty and love. This isn't meant to be reactionary. This is meant to be an intervention.
via our friend crmzak we have discovered that Hillary Duff cheers on Big Time Rush more often than she cheers on her husband:
If we weren't so wiped out from life we'd publish a deconstructive analysis of Big Time Rush and their clear and present danger to hockey culture.
OH BY THE WAY IT'S FRIDAY
This man up here had a baby daughter this week as I'm sure you've heard. Her name is Lola. He is still expected to play tonight, according to Coachy.
We would say "Pascal Dupuis can crash my net" but we have respect at the moment for the Lola Situation.
Possible facial expression upon birth.
Seriously though. Lola.
Lots of assholes on the team, but also Jonas and Teemu.
No idea how to feel, other than the Pens have to win, or score a power play goal, or something.
Power play goal would be a nice start.
For Dallas, the situation seemed dire. Their record wasn't quite what they wanted it to be. So they decided. . .we are going to play well tonight. Vicious. Persistent. We aren't going to make those assholes feel like they can win this game, because they can't, because we're the Dallas fucking Stars and now that we've gotten rid of those alcoholics Modano and Marty T we have a chance to make something of this pathetic franchise. It's only November. Remember before the lockout, when we had Brett Hull and were relevant? LET'S GET THOSE DAYS BACK, IF ONLY FOR SIXTY MINUTES.
Meanwhile, the Pens were probably smoking weed. Or something. Or crying to their moms on the phone that they'd packed the wrong socks and having OCD freakouts.
It was like making your television entrance with nothing at your disposal but a Blingee'd stormtrooper helmet.
The real story of this game was the insane amount of hair points.
But there will be a post about that tomorrow.
No awards show until the Pens score a power play goal or until Mike Comrie gets credited with a goal. Whichever comes first. GENTLEMEN, IF YOU PLEASE.
Tyler Kennedy was the most consistent player in this game and occasionally had presence of mind to do things.
Sid fought a Finnish person.
Never thought you'd see the day? Us neither.
Mike Comrie is on notice for existing without our permission and being paid $500,000 to do so. Punching that puck into the net. And the fact that he had the balls to do the Potash interview after the second period. It was like they sent a lamb to slaughter so they could talk about it behind its back.
A retarded lamb.
Cruelty. Animal sacrifice. Botched goals. Penalty shots. Where will it end?
Answer: it won't until we slay the monsters.
Are they in Anaheim? Perhaps.
This season has already taken years off of our lives.
Is Loui Eriksson on your fantasy team? How about Robidas or Lehtonen? There's always an upside to everything.
. . .Maybe.
The Hair League page has received its cursory updates. The world is a better place now. Leaderboard is as follows for the top 3 points totals:
1. Tied for first with 170 points: Strudels & Doodles, Alyssa T's Team, Anna H's Team.
2. Boyssszz on Ice Yay! with 143 points
3. Frenchiesknowbest and Cookiesworld are tied for third with 140 points.
To calculate your own points total, go to the points/updates page for the screenshot of the player totals.
If you forget who is on your team, e-mail us. Be sure to include your name.
- the highest-scoring team created by a man is Stache and Patch.
- the highest-scoring players are Pascal Dupuis (72), Maxime Talbot (52), and Brent Johnson (47).
- the highest-scoring team to not have Pascal Dupuis is ranked 21st (John W's Team)
- the lowest-scoring team consists of Kris Letang, Tyler Kennedy, and Marc-André Fleury.
Okay. Now moving on to the "what the fuck" portion of today's post:
You may have heard on the most recent Pensblog podcast that Rob Rossi has some insane article about himself in the Trib. He basically wrote an article about his own face. Like, seriously? Rob Rossi, nobody in Pittsburgh wants to read about your face.
So, we checked Rob Rossi's biography over at his Chipped Ice blog. Did you know that he managed to make both the "about this blog" and biographical sections about himself? Check it out. (ALSO, LADIES: HE'S SINGLE.)
Now, we come to the real meat of this exposé.
Here is Rossi's article about Jordan Staal's freak hand injury sustained in practice, that will keep him out for as many as six weeks. (Interlude: OMG UNCLE JORDY WE MISS YOU PLEASE COME HOME LOVE ZOË KIM AND ANN KTHX) Suffice it to say, this is more an editorial piece than straight newspaper journalism, but okay. We're getting less strict with our form nowadays in the professional writing world, and this is wonderful. This is grand. However:
Told that center Jordan Staal would play Wednesday night at Dallas, the players tapped their stick blades on the ice at Southpointe Iceoplex.
About 25 minutes later, at precisely 11:44 a.m., a frustrated Staal skated from the surface favoring his right hand — the gloved version of which a puck had caught during an otherwise innocent-looking drill.
"The gloved version of which a puck had caught"??????????????????????????????????????????
Does this sentence make it into the final draft of any article? If you're fifteen years old writing for the school newspaper about girls' field hockey? Maybe?
Has the editing staff of the Tribune-Review given up on controlling Rossi's urges?
Perhaps he has eaten them.
Shero said nobody in the NHL community "will care" about his beleaguered-by-injuries squad.
We "will care," Rob Rossi. We "promise."
I mean, why else would he have let himself get beat by Pascal Dupuis and Max Talbot?
Possibly scientific evidence of mustache power. Or the fact that Pascal and Max can accomplish things in their lifetimes.
Brent with the shutout.
Gotta start him in Dallas.
What was up with the blue uniforms in Carolina, btw? Joke. Utter joke.
We'll see Fleury eventually. He's getting a little help at the moment:
Watch out for Pepper around you this Halloween weekend.
The recap situation for tonight's game at Carolina is unknown, but Zoë or Ann will be joining you at some point about something.
There are still plenty of penises in the previous post to keep you occupied.
Zoë was on the Pensblog Podcast this morning, so you can check that out.
So, the Canes.
Are we going to see Justin Peters? Will he play like a Vezina winner on acid? WHO KNOWS. Will Eric Staal see Godzilla? Will Skinner take over the world?
Beej for the Pens probably.