ETA:

Brilliant response by reader [Claire]

The world has sent us plagues, and the Pens have overcome another game out of 82. The first little flicker of hope inside the Consol Energy Center burned up through the ice, under Rick DiPietro as he prostrated himself wondering why he is in actuality made of styrofoam.
The NHL has consistently been mixing up the meanings of what is right and what is wrong. Confusion is just the way of hockey. In split seconds, worlds are created and destroyed. Empires crumble, dreams get just a little bit bigger or a little bit smaller. Euphoria and chaos. Philosophical conversations will be had in Escalades and custom BMWs leaving the players' lot this evening.
(Photoshop suggestion: Curry as Shiva? E-mail it to us.)

Is it in good philosophical taste to have an awards show at such an important moment of life evaluation?
. . .Well, fuck yeah.

THE PALACE YOU BUILT IN YOUR SOUL, SLOWLY ERODING AWAY
The first period left you with little faith. Almost none could be discovered. Godard drops the gloves, tries to get the boys energized, and it works, but then the Isles discover what happens when you put the Pens on the power play. Six minutes nearly back-to-back in the first period are spent with the Pens wafting shots around, making ill-advised cross-ice passes, generally being pussies.
We're not even sure the press showed up to take pictures of this game.
These may have been snapped by a self-sufficient strand of Blake Comeau's dignity that escaped from the locker room:

Really pivotal moment of the game, Associated Press.


Kunitz and DiPietro begin a sloppy love affair. DiPietro will later try desperately to touch Kunitz's balls.


Some wraparound. No one remembers it.
Somewhere in there Cooke got 2 minutes for being beautiful.

THE INTERMISSION YOU DREADED
Another intermission, another 20 minutes gone where you didn't know who was who or what was what or if anything good would ever happen to you ever again.
You sacrificed a small pack animal and ate a Funfetti cupcake at intermission, and if you didn't, you damn well should have.
Somewhere in the ether, the blood that has been spilled to get to this point starts awakening all kinds of complicated energy.
Where is the kick in the ass we all need?


BEST PREMATURE GOOD FEELINGS
Fun fact: Talbot's line started every period today. The second was no exception.
The Pens start out looking anemic, leaking all over the place like the embalming fluid out of Daniel Briere.
Someone hits a post on what could have been a textbook redirect into a wide-open net. You hate everything.

Mike Rupp hates it more than you do, though, and makes a conscious decision to go out there and fix things.
Goal 1-0.

GOAL THAT MADE YOU NOT ONLY PREGNANT, BUT PROUD TO BE ALIVE
Mark Letestu beats two Islanders to a puck behind the net and chips it to Tangradi, who brings it out in front and takes a look at the net.
A little known fact is that Eric Tangradi is trying to breed his own half-human, half-baby-ox army of awesome.
He finally decided it was time to spread his seed.

Ladies, give birth. Watch the horns.
2-0 Penguins.

THE AWARD WE CAN'T COME UP WITH A TITLE FOR BECAUSE WE HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT SO MUCH THAT IT IS BEYOND THE ABILITIES OF ALL WORLD LANGUAGES

Everyone knows this was not a hit to the head.
In the replay, note that Comeau is able to keep his head from hitting the ice when he falls and appears to be looking up and alert. He even is on his knees briefly before lowering himself to his stomach. Yeah. You were probably wondering holy fuck, is that guy okay? Replay clearly shows that it was a shoulder check. Tang is immediately ejected for an illegal hit to the head, which carries a 5 minute major and game misconduct. K.
Everyone plays some 4-on-4 while Josh Bailey sits 2 minutes for roughing after attacking Kris Letang following the hit.
He comes onto the ice after the penalty, stays out for the first PP unit. Comeau is apparently well enough to assist on the goal.
whateverthefuck

Talbot is killing the rest of the major penalty when he gets hauled down at the Islanders' blueline. No call. Isles come back and score another:

Oh look it's 2-2. Blake Comeau has another assist. He must be really hurt.

MOST COMPLEX EMOTIONS FELT TOWARDS A TEENAGE SWISS MAN

One of the better efforts for the Pens power play this evening. No clue. Pens get some 5-on-3 while he's in the box and completely fail to do anything meaningful with it. Or any of the penalties this kid took all night. Maybe if we sacrifice the small pack animal in Graubünden, the power play will be more effective. Someone get on that.

MOST FEELINGS
Well there was the time that Sid kept missing the net and the time that Cooke thought he and DiPietro were playing bumper cars DiPietro was a really bitchy date to the amusement park and the time that the power play failed a bunch more times.
Brent Johnson stood tall.
Here is a photo from some indeterminate point in the game to illustrate this:

Stoned Comeau in the slot. Comeau scores there, we personally kill his family and suicide at center ice in CEC following the murder. Only sort of kidding.
Engelland takes some penalty with just over two minutes left. Survivormode kicks in. It is the most beautiful PK since the beginning of time. But then the clock is almost out. It wasn't meant to happen in regulation. A commercial break scrambles its way across your screen. Oh god.

SUDDENEST DEATH
Early in the OT period Jurcina goes off for some random penalty that somebody else actually committed and there is a lot of yelling, and doom.
You can't say that you have a good feeling. The Pens are controlling the puck but it amounts to wide shots and DiPietro stoning Crosby and you're just really upset. . .but. However. There is an ending to this madness. There is medicine for this fever.



Thank heavens for this.

PENS WIN
3-2 OT
JUSTICE

Home is safe.  For the first time this year, home is safe.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

PERSON WHO WILL IN FACT WIN HIS NEXT GAME

Marc-Andre Fleury

MOST INVISIBLE








Andrew Hutchinson or whatever his name is

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Mark Letestu - beast
2. everyone at CEC who didn't boo - you know, the six of you
3. Brent Johnson - thank you very much sir.

Quick tunraround to Philly tomorrow.
Hair League page will receive updates on Sunday.
Much fucking love.

GO PENS.

There really isn't a wide variety of information that you need to know about last night.
The Pens came out swinging and managed to hang on for the first win of the season. It's still depressingly early. Philadelphia is leading the division. This is, in fact, our fault.

Some hyper-quick awards for yinz. They are from Jersey so try to wipe of the sludge so you can read the plaques:

BEST FIRST SHIFT THAT DIDN'T AMOUNT TO ANYTHING
Right out of the gate, Sid wins the faceoff forward to himself and tries to score on Brodeur. The puck is caught in a giant tidal pool of pig grease emanating off of Brodeur, which presents general problems for everyone. Neither Sid nor Evs had a point in this game. If they keep all of their awesome bottled up like this they are likely to explode and accidentally distribute it to people who can't handle it. Sid is setting people up from his ass, drawing penalties, being amazing, but we don't have the goal. Yet.


BEST WAY TO PISS OFF OUR DEFENSE

Devils keep booing Paul Martin for some reason.
Tangradi, Letestu, and Martin spend an entire shift riding the bacon fat express in Brodeur's mouth.
Goligoski ruins Kovalchuk's life ends up at the top of the left circle with some idiot between him and Fatass.
Beats him cleanly, or as cleanly as possible considering the circumstances.

HURRRHGJKDLF

1-0

WHEN THE GLYCOLIPIDS BECAME A PROBLEM
Early in the second on the PP, Tang shoots a puck. This puck has an amazing journey between Tang's stick blade and the back of the net. Through the general rendered filth around Uncle Dad it came to the conclusion that it needed to be near Mark Letestu before it decided to go in.

It's a love story. But not for Brodeur and his oil slick. 2-0

MOST NEED FOR CZECHS

Michalek got hurt.
We demand the hockey gods to return him.
That is all.

MOST SURPRISING DEFENSE

Somehow Kovalchuk thwarts major shorthanded chances by Talbot and Dupuis.
He was channeling someone.
We don't know who.
We wanna say the Stasi.
Light deprivation in prison.
We're already a little bit pregnant via the future from Talbot's shorthanded breakaway goal this season.

BEST SEX

The sex we all ended up having with Brent Johnson.

These photos are from the second period, but they accurately reflect the journey we went on with Beej.
It was so good that even that stupid Elias goal didn't stop the jungle beats.

Something in the solemnity of this moment. . .

LEAST FAITH/MOST FEAR/MOST BRIDGE-JUMPING
After the Elias goal, Steigerwald is beside himself waiting for the Pens to give up the next one. Everyone recognizes this possibility, but if that possibility weren't there, why would we even play hockey?
It's the little moments that turn a game.
It's survivor mode.
Brent adjusts himself and digs in for round two.
Meanwhile, Paul Martin decides he doesn't want the game to go on for even a couple more seconds. He needs to go to the locker room and polish his pimp cane:

Hello there, babycakes.

PENS WIN.
3-1
Certain demons can't get across the river to Jersey.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

MOST LIKELY TO NEED A GOOD DABBING OFF WITH A PAPER TOWEL


Martin Brodeur.

LOOK WHO GOT PAID A BAJILLION DOLLARS TO SUCK DICKS

Girl-Jeans Ilya

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Paul Martin again. Again, beast.
2. Eric Tangradi - because his daddy was watching him
3. Alex Goligoski - getting his confidence back.

CALL TO ARMS
We need a little bit of help with the Hair League.
If you saw the entire FSN broadcast yesterday, please e-mail us at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. . Let us know who was interviewed at first and second intermission and whether or not they were wearing a hat. Provide pics if possible.
We have the Beej interview with Potash after the game. Anything else?

WOOOOOOO
Go Pens.

WHAT IS THAT SIGHT YONDER???

Recap will go up later/tomorrow. As will all Hair League updates. We promise we're not bailing out on you, especially not this early in the season, especially when the boys finally showed some resolve to win an important game.
We are proud of them and are giving each member of the Penguins approximately nine thousand ponies.

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving or some shit.
Go Pens

Somewhere, a beast slumbers. We now know what Eric Staal must feel like when he sees Godzilla, because we're seeing monsters everywhere.
We didn't beat our biggest historical rival, nor did we beat the team that made us hate our lives last May. We didn't even keep Michael Cammalleri's many teeth behind his stupid mouth. Some people, annoying people, would have you believe that we're not capable.
On top of this general negativity, longtime Penguins fans have been complaining about the fan experience at CEC. Looking at new arenas nowadays is basically just a lesson in how impressive facilities can go seriously awry when they are filled with the wrong shit. Between monster truck guy on the PA and awkward sound effects, people haven't been feeling either of the first two regular season games at Consol. We assume the answer is somewhere, sandwiched into your bank account where your nacho budget used to be. Instead, you're trying to sneak in some Tostitos in by the crotch of your pants and sluggishly hauling your ass into the last row in the highest balcony next to the SHOOOOOOOT section. Next time you bring up your PNC Virtual Wallet, tell us if you've figured it out.

Of course, it's hard to say how you would feel if the Penguins had come back and beat Philly in overtime, or if Mark Letestu's goal had stood as the game-winner last night. Maybe you'd say, "The public address made me want to drown a sack of puppies (slowly), but man, what a good night."
Still, it doesn't matter what building the game is being played in. What's happening on the ice should be the main concern, and while ice is different everywhere, it's not that different. Still, we have reason to believe that some complicated demons are resting in the CEC. These are the kind of demons that start in your head and end up living alongside you. They're in the Pens locker room. They are comprised of expectations, flashing lights, and $$$$$$$.
But they'll rest another day or two while we go to:

New Jersey.

The Penguins didn't beat New Jersey once last year. Not once. Now they have that Kovalchuk guy. And say we roast up a couple of fetal pigs and clog Brodeur's arteries with their juices, we'd still have to face Moose while he's licking his fingers on the floor of the locker room.

Most of Johan's successes are indeed explained by the fact that everyone just has a massive mancrush on him.

If we manage not to fall asleep during tomorrow's afternoon contest, it will be either because a.) we are waiting for the cameras at the Pru to train on Hedberg while he's drinking some water, or b.) the Pens aren't playing like someone put quaaludes in their Gatorade, as is often the situation against the Devils.
But this isn't even a shot at redemption, or a chance at magic in one of the filthiest places on Earth. Something just has to change at this point. We will make it on our own until 4pm tomorrow. But somewhere, knee-deep in garbage, is the Monster and the Answer that must be found.

GO PENS.

Click here or click the banner in the sidebar to see the points total--so far the only point-getter is Tyler Kennedy for doing an interview sans hat for PensTV.



So if you have Tyler Kennedy on your team, you have three points. Congratulations.

Did you happen to catch any of the Red Wings/Ducks game last night? It was basically what you would have normally expected a Flyers/Pens game to turn into. Corey Perry would have earned something like 900 points in a hair league.


We also caught a bit of Caps/Thrashers but missed the whole Ondrej-Pavelec-Passing-Out-Thing.
Really hope he is okay.
Glad that the Thrashers celebrated by winning. Also, Mike Green put his hand over the puck in the crease and Evander Kane scored on a penalty shot. Good job, Thrashers.
Anyone think the animosity during Pens/Thrashers game will evaporate a little bit now that we don't have Kovalchuk bullshit?
Maybe not.

At any rate, it's Habs tonight.
We're calling this must-win, just because:

herpderp

GO PENS.

EDIT: We also apparently have some fancy TiqIQ widget thang now that nobody actually told us we had. You can search for Pens tickets here or using the sidebar tool which is located directly under the Dan Bylsma radar. Thanks Bloguin? GO PENS. Less than 3 hours. Wooooooo

Hockey is a long season.
Might as well get pissed early and be baptized in fire.
You hadn't heard of Sergei Bobrovsky before tonight because he actually spent all of his life until this morning living in the wilderness and had never worn skates before and is now a prodigy among mere men.
We should have seen this as an omen.
Sergei Bobrovsky is just living proof that the Jean-Jacques Rousseau model of child-rearing is as pure as we will ever achieve in life.
In solitude, among the woodland creatures, real talent is born.

Consider this your first glimpse at a universe that is dirty, bloody, loveless, and hanging on by a thread. Instead of Huxley's Brave New World, this is Ape and Essence. We are being destroyed by lower primates. We must claw our own ways up out of the ashes, out of the mud and the graves.

The old has been made new. The stale has been made fresh.
Pick the pieces of raw muscle out of your teeth. It's time to move on.

The Penguins had their own red carpet tonight. They thought they were special, but we have our own. Let's roll it out, boys.

WORST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED
That picture above might have been the only time you saw Mario tonight, because Versus was busy showing some assholes from Canada playing music that we muted because we didn't care. Also, faces of tweens.

It hasn't been adequately explained what any of this had to with hockey. But okay.

LEAST IMPORTANT FACEOFFS

MIKE RICHARDS IS NOT IN THIS PHOTOGRAPH CONSPIRACY


This one was marginally more important but not really.

MOST HOPE
The first period was a festival of the Penguins being awesome.
Every little defensive move by Paul Martin was a heroic protection of Curry and country.
Fleury is aggressive and is handling the puck like a hero, making passes to his teammates and genius poke checks.
There was a Shift from Heaven manned by Tangradi, Letestu, and Dupuis that you all remember, the ladies especially, because the fury of the zygotes in your tummies is making you nauseous.
By the time the first was over, you could feel the goal. It was coming and it would be very soon. All we had to do was keep working and it would pay off.

INTERLUDE

unnhfdsdhjfhhhghghghhdhfhgbdunnghhghhugluglug


END INTERLUDE

BEST EFFORT BY A DEAD PERSON THIS EVENING
We don't have any pictures of Briere's goal because the press apparently didn't care enough.

Instead here is a picture of Briere's car from that accident he was in. Consider it a visual representation of how we felt when that happened.

LEAST PROMISING APPEARANCE OF BETTMAN THIS SEASON

Jody Shelley acted like himself and got penalized. There was a huge PP. Nothing happened.
The Flyers are getting tons of quality chances and failing at them, meanwhile we are in Bobrovsky's mouth and he's just jizzing all over us.
Penalties keep happening. Versus doesn't have the wherewithal to actually tell us what they were for.
Things are bad. Things are very bad. The Pens do some beast PK and then just. . .

Blair Betts. 2-0.

No hope can be salvaged before the end of the period and you are all "brb cutting Bobrovsky's balls off and raping him with the goal post"
Versus at intermission starts blaming our power play on the loss of Gonchar in the offseason. You are so blown away by the accurate, intelligent take on the game that your heart, soul, and mind explode all over the room.

MOST REDEMPTION TO BE FOUND IN THIS POSTAPOCALYPTIC UNIVERSE
When, early in the third, Paul Martin goes deep and gets the puck to Tyler Kennedy in his sweet spot on the goal line.
Bobrovsky could not have predicted this even with his wilderness mentality.
There are no available photos so here is Crosby mounting Timonen much like our very own Kimberly once mounted nature.


MOST ACTION-PACKED COUPLE OF SECONDS EVER

Tanger does something retarded and Giroux smokes us all like Romeo y Julietas.

Did we mention it was shorthanded and he celebrated like this.
Kill yourself.

Immediately afterwards, the Pens manage to get it back when the stars align and Bobrovsky can't see shit. Goligoski deflects a Michalek shot. It's 3-2. The house is being brought down. We are still in this. No one photographs anything that happens.

THE MOMENT IT CAME THAT SOMETHING WOULD HAVE TO BE PROVED
When the clock hit 0.0, we didn't come back with an amazing last-minute tying goal, we didn't coast in on talent and ride the wave til the end.
82 game season, people.
Lessons will be learned, and as you might remember: we don't win them all.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

LOST BRADY WITH AN ALCOHOL PROBLEM

Peter Laviolette

CAM WARD MEMORIAL TROPHY

hurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS

1. Sidney Crosby

Leadership overload.

2. Eric Tangradi
Let the big dog eat.

3. This tattoo

It exists.

Until next time. . .


HAIR LEAGUE UPDATE
Check out the sidebar. The banner link in the little Hair League box now leads to a page where we will update points and shit.
Check out the Pens website. Tyler Kennedy is already earning.
The first points stuff will go up tomorrow/over the weekend. Will post when it is ready.


Listen, guys.
Tonight wasn't perfect.
But we have a good feeling.

GO PENS.

We said we'd have a season preview for you, and, in theory, we do. We know who we're watching out for this season, who we think you should watch out for, and who we are going to lol at for all eternity.
But here's the thing: it's almost not worth contemplating right now. We might get something up over the weekend, all formal, in our traditional style (i.e. something that sounds like we've been smoking a giant bong).
What to tell you now, when, all week, our busy lives have been dragging us to this point? What to tell you, when we've been through three to four cups of coffee today and can still barely achieve a sense of reality and belonging?
Through this blog, you've basically seen us grow up. Our schedules are a lot fuller than they were when you first met us. You can probably tell that is the case. However, we're here when it matters, and we believe this matters.
Our hockey team is what brings us together. The game is why you're here. Its culture is a weird pocket in the world. Stepping onto the ice has got to be the most thrilling feeling on Earth sometimes. Cold winter mornings are exciting, not depressing. Screaming til you almost puke isn't painful--it's fucking awesome.


Having this building is a bittersweet dream.
And let's not forget--we're fucking pimps.




The Flyers have crossed the great state of Pennsylvania to grace us with their presence.
The opponent doesn't matter, but I mean. . .it actually does.
Ass-kicking time.
Believe.
Happy October, ladies and gentlemen.

Go Pens.

Hey, we set a deadline. It was midnight. The season starts tomorrow and we have to write over 150 AutoSums in Numbers. If you sent anything after midnight EST, you did not make it to the Hair League this season--the form stopped logging information after that time. Sorry, kids.

Also, you know why Hair League doesn't start until puck drop tomorrow night, right?
Because we just had a funny feeling that something like a MOTHER FUCKING RED CARPET would be rolled out for the first real game at the CEC. Circus alert for realsies.

Also, we are as excited as you are about the HBO Pens/Caps documentary, but in order to ensure that the Hair League's sanctity is not disturbed, any and all HBO-related media will not count towards points for your team. Just the way the cookie crumbles. The regular press will be taking plenty of photographs at the Classic and beyond, so don't worry about it.
Honestly, the main reason we are concerned about this is because we don't have HBO and won't be able to keep track of what happens on the TV.
Otherwise we'd assign 0.275 bonus points every time somebody says "fuck."
Alas.

Breaking news:

Lemieux is basically God (you know, aside from Curry).

Final roster cuts today by 3pm but we have to go to class or some shit.

Go Pens.
omgfuckingomfgtheseasonstartstomorrowgkdlsfhdklsfhdilsaghsdklghadsfhskl