Click here or click the banner in the sidebar to see the points total--so far the only point-getter is Tyler Kennedy for doing an interview sans hat for PensTV.
So if you have Tyler Kennedy on your team, you have three points. Congratulations.
Did you happen to catch any of the Red Wings/Ducks game last night? It was basically what you would have normally expected a Flyers/Pens game to turn into. Corey Perry would have earned something like 900 points in a hair league.
We also caught a bit of Caps/Thrashers but missed the whole Ondrej-Pavelec-Passing-Out-Thing.
Really hope he is okay.
Glad that the Thrashers celebrated by winning. Also, Mike Green put his hand over the puck in the crease and Evander Kane scored on a penalty shot. Good job, Thrashers.
Anyone think the animosity during Pens/Thrashers game will evaporate a little bit now that we don't have Kovalchuk bullshit?
At any rate, it's Habs tonight.
We're calling this must-win, just because:
EDIT: We also apparently have some fancy TiqIQ widget thang now that nobody actually told us we had. You can search for Pens tickets here or using the sidebar tool which is located directly under the Dan Bylsma radar. Thanks Bloguin? GO PENS. Less than 3 hours. Wooooooo
Hockey is a long season.
Might as well get pissed early and be baptized in fire.
You hadn't heard of Sergei Bobrovsky before tonight because he actually spent all of his life until this morning living in the wilderness and had never worn skates before and is now a prodigy among mere men.
We should have seen this as an omen.
Sergei Bobrovsky is just living proof that the Jean-Jacques Rousseau model of child-rearing is as pure as we will ever achieve in life.
In solitude, among the woodland creatures, real talent is born.
Consider this your first glimpse at a universe that is dirty, bloody, loveless, and hanging on by a thread. Instead of Huxley's Brave New World, this is Ape and Essence. We are being destroyed by lower primates. We must claw our own ways up out of the ashes, out of the mud and the graves.
The old has been made new. The stale has been made fresh.
Pick the pieces of raw muscle out of your teeth. It's time to move on.
The Penguins had their own red carpet tonight. They thought they were special, but we have our own. Let's roll it out, boys.
WORST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED
That picture above might have been the only time you saw Mario tonight, because Versus was busy showing some assholes from Canada playing music that we muted because we didn't care. Also, faces of tweens.
It hasn't been adequately explained what any of this had to with hockey. But okay.
LEAST IMPORTANT FACEOFFS
MIKE RICHARDS IS NOT IN THIS PHOTOGRAPH CONSPIRACY
This one was marginally more important but not really.
The first period was a festival of the Penguins being awesome.
Every little defensive move by Paul Martin was a heroic protection of Curry and country.
Fleury is aggressive and is handling the puck like a hero, making passes to his teammates and genius poke checks.
There was a Shift from Heaven manned by Tangradi, Letestu, and Dupuis that you all remember, the ladies especially, because the fury of the zygotes in your tummies is making you nauseous.
By the time the first was over, you could feel the goal. It was coming and it would be very soon. All we had to do was keep working and it would pay off.
BEST EFFORT BY A DEAD PERSON THIS EVENING
We don't have any pictures of Briere's goal because the press apparently didn't care enough.
Instead here is a picture of Briere's car from that accident he was in. Consider it a visual representation of how we felt when that happened.
LEAST PROMISING APPEARANCE OF BETTMAN THIS SEASON
Jody Shelley acted like himself and got penalized. There was a huge PP. Nothing happened.
The Flyers are getting tons of quality chances and failing at them, meanwhile we are in Bobrovsky's mouth and he's just jizzing all over us.
Penalties keep happening. Versus doesn't have the wherewithal to actually tell us what they were for.
Things are bad. Things are very bad. The Pens do some beast PK and then just. . .
Blair Betts. 2-0.
No hope can be salvaged before the end of the period and you are all "brb cutting Bobrovsky's balls off and raping him with the goal post"
Versus at intermission starts blaming our power play on the loss of Gonchar in the offseason. You are so blown away by the accurate, intelligent take on the game that your heart, soul, and mind explode all over the room.
MOST REDEMPTION TO BE FOUND IN THIS POSTAPOCALYPTIC UNIVERSE
When, early in the third, Paul Martin goes deep and gets the puck to Tyler Kennedy in his sweet spot on the goal line.
Bobrovsky could not have predicted this even with his wilderness mentality.
There are no available photos so here is Crosby mounting Timonen much like our very own Kimberly once mounted nature.
MOST ACTION-PACKED COUPLE OF SECONDS EVER
Tanger does something retarded and Giroux smokes us all like Romeo y Julietas.
Did we mention it was shorthanded and he celebrated like this.
Immediately afterwards, the Pens manage to get it back when the stars align and Bobrovsky can't see shit. Goligoski deflects a Michalek shot. It's 3-2. The house is being brought down. We are still in this. No one photographs anything that happens.
THE MOMENT IT CAME THAT SOMETHING WOULD HAVE TO BE PROVED
When the clock hit 0.0, we didn't come back with an amazing last-minute tying goal, we didn't coast in on talent and ride the wave til the end.
82 game season, people.
Lessons will be learned, and as you might remember: we don't win them all.
LOST BRADY WITH AN ALCOHOL PROBLEM
CAM WARD MEMORIAL TROPHY
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Sidney Crosby
2. Eric Tangradi
Let the big dog eat.
3. This tattoo
Until next time. . .
HAIR LEAGUE UPDATE
Check out the sidebar. The banner link in the little Hair League box now leads to a page where we will update points and shit.
Check out the Pens website. Tyler Kennedy is already earning.
The first points stuff will go up tomorrow/over the weekend. Will post when it is ready.
Tonight wasn't perfect.
But we have a good feeling.
We said we'd have a season preview for you, and, in theory, we do. We know who we're watching out for this season, who we think you should watch out for, and who we are going to lol at for all eternity.
But here's the thing: it's almost not worth contemplating right now. We might get something up over the weekend, all formal, in our traditional style (i.e. something that sounds like we've been smoking a giant bong).
What to tell you now, when, all week, our busy lives have been dragging us to this point? What to tell you, when we've been through three to four cups of coffee today and can still barely achieve a sense of reality and belonging?
Through this blog, you've basically seen us grow up. Our schedules are a lot fuller than they were when you first met us. You can probably tell that is the case. However, we're here when it matters, and we believe this matters.
Our hockey team is what brings us together. The game is why you're here. Its culture is a weird pocket in the world. Stepping onto the ice has got to be the most thrilling feeling on Earth sometimes. Cold winter mornings are exciting, not depressing. Screaming til you almost puke isn't painful--it's fucking awesome.
Having this building is a bittersweet dream.
And let's not forget--we're fucking pimps.
The Flyers have crossed the great state of Pennsylvania to grace us with their presence.
The opponent doesn't matter, but I mean. . .it actually does.
Happy October, ladies and gentlemen.
Hey, we set a deadline. It was midnight. The season starts tomorrow and we have to write over 150 AutoSums in Numbers. If you sent anything after midnight EST, you did not make it to the Hair League this season--the form stopped logging information after that time. Sorry, kids.
Also, you know why Hair League doesn't start until puck drop tomorrow night, right?
Because we just had a funny feeling that something like a MOTHER FUCKING RED CARPET would be rolled out for the first real game at the CEC. Circus alert for realsies.
Also, we are as excited as you are about the HBO Pens/Caps documentary, but in order to ensure that the Hair League's sanctity is not disturbed, any and all HBO-related media will not count towards points for your team. Just the way the cookie crumbles. The regular press will be taking plenty of photographs at the Classic and beyond, so don't worry about it.
Honestly, the main reason we are concerned about this is because we don't have HBO and won't be able to keep track of what happens on the TV.
Otherwise we'd assign 0.275 bonus points every time somebody says "fuck."
Lemieux is basically God (you know, aside from Curry).
Final roster cuts today by 3pm but we have to go to class or some shit.
We have arbitrarily decided that you all have until MIDNIGHT TONIGHT (i.e. 12:00AM on October 6, 2010) to submit your Hair Team.
you can do that here.
We have 155 entries and will accept no more than 45 more. . .literally because we can't accept more than 45 more without setting up another form.
We used a free service because we're cheap. Deal with it.
This might make us less cheap though:
That's right, you can now officially buy PH things, because I mean, you know you want to.
We are receiving money from the sales, but we also generally keep track of all of our income and ensure that every cent we make from these things goes DIRECTLY back into the site--whether by using paid services instead of free ones to deliver you content, or by just going out and buying shit for our readers, which, as many of you know, we tend to do.
We also buy Ann things like Dan Carcillo Flyers t-shirts, which is extremely necessary, since she's basically the only reason we're still alive today.
Essentially, we feel that if you have money to blow and want to give us a couple bucks, that is great, and we'll probably use it to send you free things at some point down the line. What we don't spend on shit throughout the season will go to a major prize package for the winner of the Hair Leauge.
Most importantly, we are also selling officially licensed Louisiana Muskrats merchandise. We have accessories, such as totes and water bottles:
And essentials for daywear:
We are in fact working on making sherseys so you can support Pontus Helge and other non-fat-non-goalies from the original Louisiana Muskrats squad.
The Muskrat skull is really the jewel of our iconography.
We have two stores for you to browse. One is at Cafepress because they offer a wider variety of items, and one is at Printfection because Cafepress are dirty whores and expect you to give them $7 a month so you can have multiple t-shirt designs:
Pick your poison.
In other news, this:
Defenseman Kris Letang took the route of comfort. The one thing he dislikes about his routine is the time it takes to put on his gear, so he wants to go high-tech.
"I would like a uniform that would be all one piece, with the pads inside, and you could zip it up and it would [cling] to you," he said.
Someone analyze this Freud style. whole article here.
Season preview goes up tomorrow. We will lay down the law.
There is a point in every Detroit Red Wing's life where he decides he wants to be either a majestic whale cruising the open ocean, or a fail whale beached upon the shore.
Preseason whatevs, they fail whaled last night. Very insulting that they played the way they did. I mean, we all want to be playing hockey from September til May and June. But the Red Wings pretty much think they shouldn't even have to compete to get there. What a stuck up organization to just not care about defensive coverage just because it's early October. You almost feel bad for Osgood.
Chris is crying in the corner, as his supply of bananas and lard has been exhausted.
Oops, actually that was the wrong pic:
You can see how we can get them confused. Jiri Hudler in this one is a dead giveaway, though.
Final thoughts on camp, anyone? Here are some basics:
- Tangradi in front of the net is like sex.
- Everyone loves Mark Letestu. If you feel the same way we've come to be in great support of the hashtag #letestify.
- Tyler Kennedy can't buy a goal. We love him but ehhhhh.
- Engelland is a bamf. Michalek is a bamf. Martin is a bamf. Tang is a bamf. The entire defense are bamfs.
- Comrie playing for the league minimum is going to look insane.
- The core players--namely Fleury and Malkin--are looking as sharp as ever.
- When we think of Thursday our tummies feel fuzzy inside.
lots of love.
So yeah, nobody's perfect.
Corey Crawford for Vezina.
Can anyone think of a sea creature metaphor to go along with this game?
What do you think it is going to be?
FUN ANSWER IN THE BOTTOM OF THE POST
Max clearly thought he was a pony jumping hurdles for the blue ribbon. Baby, focus. Please.
The press from this game sucked, too. We don't understand Chicago media. Sometimes there are great pics from Hawks games. Other times it's like, random people doing random things. Like this:
At least Eric Godard is in this picture otherwise it would be culturally worthless and detrimental to society.
We should like, not recap another Hawks game until Patrick Kane stops being greasy. Which will be never. He will ooze grease from the grave.
that's right, today's sea creature is a whale shark!
Ponies and whale sharks.
That's all we can really bring to the table for this game.
Detroit this weekend or something.
We are in fact working on a season preview and a Muskrats shoppe (yes with two p's and an e) and other fun things.
I'm so fucking over the Hawks it's ridic. I also have a Real Life and do not plan to spend another minute of it looking at Patrick Kane's fugly face. So, on the level, nobody here at PH watched this game. Without further ado, I present to you a photo montage of what I choose to believe happened during this totally irrelevant preseason game.
We all heard/were tortured with endless tweets about the salary shitticaine that the Hawks careened into this summer. At no point was I surprised when Bowman sent this on the ice:
Skill players. Seabs, is that you?
Uhhhh, Max.... Quit it. OK, don't. I love it, actually.
Game started like this:
Then Q was all,
And Max was like,
Dustin Jeffrey did things that made Zoe almost forget that he's an asshole. Almost. It was 2-0 and Captain Serious got all, "Shit, shit, fire ze missiles!"
Bombs were dropped, but Engelland was all over it.
Seabrook continued to be pretty enough for Max's taste.
And we all know Max has taste.
Third started like this:
That's Johnson. Nick Johnson.
And ended like this:
Boom. 4-1, bitches.
Alternative Three Stars are currently somewhere on this woman's face.
Hawks Fail 2.0 tomorrow. I may boycott it, too.